“My Kid is Normal”

Posted by Guest | October 14, 2008 | 14 Comments

This is a guest post from Autumn, who is a stay at home mom of two kids. They’re wonderful…and normal (which says a lot about her average success rate in applying her own advice.) She likes opera, The Office, dark chocolate, and a clean house. This summer Autumn took a dive into the world of blogs and vlogs. The results can be found at http://momschool.tv.

Normal has got to be one of the sweetest words a new mother can hear. We crave the reassurance this one word brings. When my first baby was just a few days old, I watched with creepy fascination as one of his eyes periodically crossed and then wandered off to the side. Then, I panicked and called the pediatrician, who patiently (kind of) assured me it was normal and would resolve with time. I loved that word! It was magic in my over-wrought newbie mother stage. But this word has a dark side, too. When I felt insecure, I wanted an expert to tell me what normal really was. Parenting books, friends, my mother, my mother-in-law, doctors, nurses, and the internet were all more expert than little me. As a result, this same baby had to wait until he was nearly 2 ½ for a botched circumcision to be corrected. Ignoring vague feelings of apprehension, I spent months convincing myself that the pediatrician knew what he was talking about and didn’t get a second opinion. Ten days after I decided a pediatric urologist might be a good second opinion, my son had surgery. After that, the internet moved up in credibility over doctors who might be concerned about malpractice suits.

Turns out, normal refers to a statistical ideal. It represents an average of a group, and that average has a pretty wide range. Normal children, for instance, walk between the ages of 9 to 12 months, but even children who don’t walk until 18 months are considered normal. Normal children learn to read between 4-7 years of age. They’ve got four years to develop that skill! I’m coming to realize that normal is a guideline and frankly, I’m not convinced that any of us really know what normal is. The more experts I listen to, the less I understand what normal means in practical terms.

Often, we are interested in normal only so we can determine whether or not our children are normal. I discreetly compare my kids to the neighbors’ normal kids, but my judgment is skewed. My own children have more and messier faults. Other people’s kids have more strengths and only the most minor of flaws. (Or, if the neighbor’s kids are really bugging me, the opposite is true.) In this situation, everyone loses.

This loss is especially evident when we are prepared to teach only “normal” children. Normal children are easy to teach because we know exactly what they’re like, what they can and cannot do, what they’re ready to learn, and how to best approach the teaching process.

Normal children do not actually exist.

That statistical ideal is almost certainly not completely present in any one child at any one time. If that’s the only child we’re prepared to address, we’re doomed from the start, and so are the children we’re asked to nurture.

So lately, normal means something new for me. Normal now means: “typical for my child in these circumstances.” It describes what I know about my two children who are developing according to their own unique timelines, personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses. I am trusting myself to be an expert on normal for these two kids. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught powerfully about the importance of individuals in the April 2008 conference: “The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world.” My son is normal for a trumpet and my daughter is normal for piano. My job is to understand that and value them individually, without worrying about all the piccolo children living next door.

Normal has its place in describing group averages. We need that definition to calm us down when our newborn appears doomed to crossed eyes or when our six-year-old still shows no interest in learning to read or when our three-year-old is still not fully toilet-trained. And, it gives us information about things when problems do exist.

But, when we allow ourselves to become an expert on what is normal for our children as individuals, we have power to teach them. We know how to teach them, and we are effective. Whether it’s to read or to pray or to use the bathroom, we are taught by the Spirit how to customize our teaching for each child. We know how to love them and how to serve them.

We have power to bless our normal children.

“…and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them…”
3 Nephi 27:21

Category: Daily Special

Comments

14 Responses to ““My Kid is Normal””

marta
October 14th, 2008 @ 5:17 am

My first baby soiled his diaper 10 or 12 times a day. I occasionally changed him twice “during” his multiple middle-of-the-night nursings. (He nursed every 2 hours, day and night, for 45 minutes each time.) My second, also exclusively breast-fed, had a weekly bowel movement. Both were considered normal. And moms talking about poop is normal; who’d have guessed it?
Ginger
October 14th, 2008 @ 5:19 am

This is such a great post. Thank you!

The idea of what “normal” is, is one reason I hate having to send my kids to public school. However, I really doubt my ability to be able to actually get them to cooperate with me if I ever decided to homeschool them, which is why I don’t.

My patriarchal blessing blesses me with the ability to understand the differences between the personalities and traits of my children… and it truly is interesting to me how different children from the same family can be. I find myself relearning how to parent with each child. My son’s 4th grade teacher summed it up so nicely. He said, “My students teach me how to teach them.”, and that really resonated with me, because that is how it is being a parent to my 4 wonderfully “not normal” normal kids!
wendy
October 14th, 2008 @ 8:00 am

I really enjoyed this!

And I appreciate how you said, “I am trusting myself to be an expert on normal for these two kids.”

I generally follow my sil’s advice to not read web sites or magazines with a lot of child development “norms” in them. I’m too worry prone. I do better believing my child is doing just fine. I’m learning to trust my instincts on the things that need attention and the things that don’t.

In therapy, if a child was responding to trauma in ways that worried the parents, we would tell them the behaviors were “normal reactions to abnormal circumstances.” There IS something comforting about hearing the word “normal.”
MomSchool.tv » Blog Archive » » Out with the Girls
October 14th, 2008 @ 8:11 am

[...] Segullah Blog [...]
Jessica
October 14th, 2008 @ 8:49 am

Here’s to the new “normal.” It changes everyday at our house.
Autumn Zobrist
October 14th, 2008 @ 9:05 am

@marta: Hi this is Autumn–and I have to so laugh at your comments because my children were exactly like your children with the poopy diapers! And when I wrote the article, I originally included that example. It seems that poop was just destined to be part of this conversation!
maralise
October 14th, 2008 @ 11:26 am

Autumn–This is so very very lovely. I get frustrated at my inability to ‘get over’ normal already. My favorite line from your piece is ‘Normal children do not actually exist.’ AMEN.
tonya
October 14th, 2008 @ 11:49 am

I love this. Over the years I’ve had “experts” tell me that one or another of my children is not “normal” in something. It infuriates me. I know my children, they do not. And they don’t live with them day to day.

I have realized just how important it is to listen to the Spirit and your own Mother Heart in matters concerning your own children. If something feels wrong, it’s your duty to research it on your own, to not just go by what someone else deems “normal”.

I love Elder Wirthlin’s quote too. It seems as if I have many wonderful and strange instruments in my house, and even when they are very out of tune, I still love the cacaphony.
Tiffany
October 14th, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

Nicely done, Autumn
Carina
October 14th, 2008 @ 1:11 pm

Autumn,
Thanks for guest posting!

I think sometimes I swing between “My child is exceptional!” and “My child is so off the mark!” It’s great to hear other women who also wonder where their child is on some sort of scale.

To me, this is one of the major pitfalls of modern motherhood: we are so wrapped up in the science of it all we forget about our children.

We count, measure, scale, and even develop hypotheses–since when are our children yet another experiment in need of the scientific method?

(Since the early 20th century, but that’s another story…)
Lee Ann
October 14th, 2008 @ 2:24 pm

I have a child who’s not “normal,” in certain areas, on anyone’s scale. After a couple of years of trying to find him, and myself, in all the parenting books, I remember the liberating feeling of standing there in the library and telling that shelf of books, “You have NO idea what we’re dealing with here!” Then walking away.

A blessing my son received told him, “You may never be exactly like everyone else, but you will always be perfectly yourself.” I cling to that as my goal for my son–perfectly his best self.

Loved the scripture at the end of your post!
shelah
October 14th, 2008 @ 8:47 pm

Thank so much for this Autumn! I just spent much of today having my younger son evaluated by a speech therapist. I was worried because he’s mispronouncing words his younger sister can say, and I remember my older kids speaking more clearly at the same age. I was sure that the therapist would be eager to sign him up for, I don’t know– something. But nope, he, and his lack of g,k,l-sounds, were determined to be completely normal for a kid his age. Sometimes normal just doesn’t feel normal.
Holly
October 14th, 2008 @ 9:58 pm

I can’t even begin to tell you just how much I needed to read this post! I’ve been “lurking” here for some time and have found such inspiring words – but this post truly was meant for me! I feel like I struggle daily with worrying about whether my 3 sons are “normal” but I’ve also begun to realize that in worrying ABOUT it so much, I lose time really being WITH them.

I too have struggled with the comparision phenomenon. It’s too easy to do – and too damaging to continue. NO child (or adult, for that matter) is perfect – so why bother trying to compare? I should never compare my children’s “worsts” and other children’s “bests” (or for that matter, “bests” with “bests”.) It simply doesn’t matter. All people have strengths and all have weaknesses, any anyone who tries to look you in the eye and say that they, or their children, don’t have any weakness isn’t being honest with themselves or has some serious self-confidence issues. We all need to up-lift one another and not compare ourselves to each other.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your wonderful post. I AM the best advocate for my children – and I know what “normal” is for them and me!
jendoop
October 15th, 2008 @ 6:00 am

Thank you for this post.

Last week we got a call from my first grade son’s teacher asking if it was OK to put him in the “special” reading group. Just the day before DH and I had commented at how well he was doing. It floored me and I argued with the teacher. When someone else is telling you that your child isn’t normal it is daunting to stand your ground. He is now in the group, I figure one-on-one time is good for any kid. I still stand firm in my belief that he is PROGRESSING wonderfully in his unique sphere of abilities and talents.

The opposite is happening to me. For the past 10 months I’ve had health issues that continue to go undiagnosed. The doctors claim my test results fall within the normal range. When I look at the results I see abnormality; a usually very active healthy woman that doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs with results on the far side of the normal range. So I stand undaunted in my conviction that there is something wrong and continue to search for a doctor that will help me sort it out.