My Pastoral Life

Posted by Justine | December 13, 2008 | 16 Comments

I saw an ad while watching the Peanuts Christmas Special on TV with the kids. It was for an air freshener that smelled like gingerbread.

It was a simple enough ad, but the overall message of the ad suggested that you could just use the air freshener to fool people into thinking you’d been baking.

And know I ask you the question I’ve been mulling over all evening. Why do we care? Throughout every season of every year, there seem to be particular rules about how we’re supposed to be living. It’s especially noticeable at Christmas. It might stem from the Martha Stewart decade, where perfection was packaged into a strict set of social rules and decorative pillows. But aren’t we all supposed to be more enlightened than that? Haven’t we all moved on?

Our neighborhood, like many others, has an unspoken race in early December, to hand out the largest amount, the best, the most unique gifts to everyone in the neighborhood. Starting just after Thanksgiving, wonderful pastries and other sweets are showing up on my door almost daily. I love it. I really love it. But it also makes me full of an insane amount of pressure every year to top whatever I did last year, to give to an ever-widening circle of neighbors, and to have it done before the Turkey is cold.

I love the idea of doing it, but the social construct that requires me to do it is difficult to overcome.

Rules like this run wild at Christmas-time. All of them seem intently focused on portraying a lifestyle that is largely imaginary. Does anyone really live like Martha Stewart (besides the woman herself? And even then I’m not convinced)? Yet we (I?) often fall into the idea that everyone lives like that, so if I’m not baking, rolling out Philo dough, making my own wrapping paper, scrapbooking, and raising wild chickens, I’m somehow left behind.

In my life it goes something like this: thriving, happy, loving families have successful holiday seasons if they host parties, bake a lot of things, watch the Peanuts Christmas special, go caroling, have elaborately wrapped presents, give gifts to our 100 closest neighbors, have a beautiful, handmade Christmas dress for all their daughters to wear to church, and send out 400 Christmas cards.

I’m trying to ignore the pressure. I love sending the cards, and I love the parties, but the rest of it could get kicked to the curb. Yet I still do it all. I’m just trying to fake it until I somehow grow to love it all, because that’s what I’m supposed to do, right? What a fraud.

I’m sure the rules and norms of your neighborhood or life are different than mine. I’m sure from area to area, the idea of “successful living” differs. But at some point, don’t many of us feel a little pressure to make the house smell like fresh baked gingerbread?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

16 Responses to “My Pastoral Life”

cheryl
December 13th, 2008 @ 9:13 am

Oh, I hear you! The pressure to perform all of these tasks every year grows and I get tired of it. My aunt actually gets ALL of her Christmas stuff done by Thanksgiving. All of it. Christmas presents wrapped, neigbor gifts ready, letters addressed and stamped, etc. I think she starts in Oct. That way she can enjoy December with her kids without deadlines. I tried it one year and failed just as miserably as I had when I did it all after Thanksgiving. Sigh.

But this year is different. We cannot financially do anything. We honestly have no money for neighbor gifts or Christmas cards. We will make cookies for primary teachers and home teachers, and our Christmas “card” will be given via email. Because we’ve had to downsize, the gifts for the kiddies are finished. We have a few family gifts to get, and then I’m done. Hooray! Having no money has freed us up to do things like watch movies and attend parties with the pressure of what we should be doing to “get things done.” And the biggest revelation of all? If my neighbors feel slighted that we didn’t give them something, I actually don’t even care. I thought about what I would do if Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so didn’t give me an annual gift and I realized I wouldn’t care. So why would they care about mine?

I’m telling you, the relief is awesome. Maybe we should always be financially in the toilet –at least around Christmas, anyway.
eljee
December 13th, 2008 @ 9:36 am

I don’t think our neighborhood has quite the pressure of some others. But the past two years, I stopped doing neighborgifts. The first year, it was because I had a new baby and simply had to cut out anything that caused me extra stress. I don’t remember why I didn’t do them last year. This year, I am doing plates of treats because I want to.

I think all it takes is for people to quietly stop doing what they don’t want or need to do.

With that said, I do love baking and cooking for the holidays, and I’m addicted to buying holiday cooking magazines. The Martha Stewart one is one of my favorites. The recipes are awesome! There is just something about having really great food during the holidays that makes things special for me.
Jennie
December 13th, 2008 @ 10:58 am

OK, I’ll admit it. I do it to show off. I want everyone to think I’m completely together when I most certainly am not. Although I really do try to make something homemade and delicious for the neighbors since most of them never have homemade anything and I feel a little sorry for them.

In our old neighborhood I didn’t really care for anyone and rarely did neighbor gifts. It was easier that way, but I felt a little shabby. I realized that I really do enjoy the giving part.

I think there is something implanted in our brains that makes us feel like Christmas has to be perfect in every way. That we’ll be depriving our children if it’s not. I’m starting to feel bad for my kids because I haven’t felt this way enough. We finally put up Christmas lights for the first time in about 10 years. I’m just trying to find the happy medium between too much and not enough.
wendy
December 13th, 2008 @ 11:39 am

Raising wild chickens–LOL!

I love what you wrote, Justine.

For us, the second Christmas of our marriage, we were still overwhelmed with the grief of infertility issues and, try as I might, I couldn’t come up with anything to write in a Christmas newsletter, so we didn’t do it. In the 5 years since then, one year we sent cards to maybe a quarter of our list, and that’s it. Honestly, most of the time it was because not having children was far too at the forefront of our hearts to think of much else to write about (looking back, I so regret that–there was still room for joy). Last year we were too tired with our newborn. This year we’re so out of the habit that, even in our happier circumstances, I have no idea if we’ll send one out or not. If we do, I’m sure it won’t be until Christmas is almost over, and frankly, I’m okay with whatever it ends up being.

I agree with what cheryl said about the money issue. We are more limited than we have been in a LONG time, so we really aren’t doing much. I have enough ingredients around that I may make some cookies to give to people, but they aren’t going on fancy plates or in cutesie bags.

The pressure to buy/make for family has been a little tough, but not something we don’t want to do. We are going very simple for ourselves, and it hasn’t mattered. I haven’t felt a lack of abundance. Having our son has made this Christmas feel richer than any we’ve had so far. Honestly, none of the rest really matters.

I’m not saying I have never felt any of the pressure, or that I’m perfectly content with our simple approach this year. I really have loved baking goodies for people and having the means to buy small gifts for friends, visiting teachees, etc. But I think that the Christmases that were painful, where we didn’t (emotionally couldn’t) do much and things carried on, really helped me let go of a lot of those kinds of expectations. I have been gratefully surprised by the freedom from pressure I’ve felt this year.
AlisonH
December 13th, 2008 @ 1:52 pm

Martha Stewart has a staff. When I have a staff… Bwaahaahaaaa… (And maybe that’s why I don’t get to have one.)
Melissa
December 13th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm

Good point about the staff. That would definitely help!

We’re new to the neighborhood, so I’m not sure how things are done around here yet. We’ll probably take around a few treats, but we don’t know enough people yet for it to feel overwhelming.

Funny about the gingerbread air freshener. I’m currently burning a pine candle to make up for our artificial tree. Christmas smells are so wonderful. I don’t want to fool people into thinking I’ve been baking, but I do love the smells.
tonya
December 13th, 2008 @ 5:36 pm

I love this post, and I too wish I had a staff to help me. I have alot of things I wish I could get done, but time always seems to run out on me.

Homemade gifts? Yea right. Homemade treats? Yea right. Perfectly aligned lights on the house? Yea right. I think I put a lot of unnecessary expectations on myself. I do want everything to be picture perfect and yet the reality is that I can’t get nearly enough done. I swore this year would be different and yet here I am with a rash from stress. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think it’s because we care. We care about traditions, family, neighbors, etc. I just wish Christmas elves were real and could do it all for me.
Michelle L.
December 13th, 2008 @ 9:46 pm

Love this post J.

Several years ago our bishop suggested that instead of distributing gifts throughout the neighborhood that we contribute money to a collective service project. “We all love each other, ” he declared, “let’s just give each other a hug or a handshake and put our money towards people who truly need it.” It’s been a wonderful system. Besides saving the women(always the women) a lot of fuss trying to deliver presents to dozens of homes and fretting over forgotten friends, our collective contributions have replenished the food pantry, dug wells in Africa and put shoes on calloused feet.

This year, I’m especially grateful for our communal gift. For the many people in my neighborhood who are out of work or simply struggling, there is no pressure to “keep up.” Everyone gives generously whether their donation is $200 or $2. Because no matter how small the amount– it’s full of love for our neighbors. And that’s priceless.
Justine
December 14th, 2008 @ 7:27 am

I’ve heard of that being done in other neighborhoods, and I think our neighborhood tried it once, several years ago, but the treats and such started to creep back in. People would donate the money and then make the treats anyway, “Just because…”.

Some years, I really get into it, other years I just can’t, for whatever reason. It just ends up being one more thing in the million that I feel compelled to do.

We’ve also put the Kibosh on our annual couples Christmas party. I honestly expected one of the other couples to pick it up and run with it, but it hasn’t happened. So I’m trying not to feel regret about that.
Diane
December 14th, 2008 @ 10:50 pm

I keep waiting for the nagging guilt to settle in and the panic to strike. Here it’s the 14th of December and I have yet to even purchase a gift! I just don’t want to get caught up in it all and I fight it more every year.

I think that a plate full of 10 different goodies are a waste of time because by the time they are given to the neighbor and sit on the same plate for an hour…they all start tasting the same! I don’t want any Avon tree ornaments, or Santa salt and pepper shakers or Christmas dish towels. I just don’t want anymore ’stuff’. There’s no easy answers to stopping the madness we make of the holidays, but if any of my neighbors are reading this…I’ve just done my part to simplify your life!
jennifer
December 14th, 2008 @ 11:50 pm

This year I’m making homemade salsa, putting it in a little take ‘n toss dish, and maybe putting a bag of chips with it (or not.) Easy, can make it all at once, and may actually get eaten b/c it’s not chocolate–I agree that most of that stuff gets thrown out b/c everyone’s sick of it. But, if the week comes and goes and I don’t feel like it, I just won’t do it. I’m realizing each year that nobody’s paying any attention to what I do or don’t do–they’re all too busy trying to get their own stuff done. I’m trying to enjoy Christmas myself, not just make it enjoyable for the kids. Andthe kids have a lot more fun when I’m actually in a good mood. Getting the shopping done early is the #1 thing I can do for this! How nice to be able to watch a movie or play a game with my kids by the tree, instead of filling every minute w/extra stuff up until the 24th. Great post!
Leslie P.
December 15th, 2008 @ 1:02 am

Justine,
I haven’t remembered to check the Segullah site in a while but I’m so glad I did today. I loved reading your article and feeling a sense of comfort that others out there feel the same way. I love the holidays but this year I felt like saying, “enough!” to all the social events, gift expectations, and the endless to-do list we (and “they”) impose on ourselves.

For the first time in years I decided to cross off the list handmade cards, handmade holiday dresses for my girls, baked goodies for the neighbors, teacher & friend gifts, etc., etc. The cards are 15 for $1.00 from Walmart, the neighbor treats are cheesy & caramel corn store bought (which I think I’m already fine with crossing off the list altogether next year), the holiday dresses are not needed and are being skipped completely, and the teacher & friend gifts are being skipped as well. Frankly, I would be happy if we didn’t receive one more plate or tin of goodies (and so would my waistline). I just want to stay at home with my family and spend our time away from all the hustle and bustle of the stores and social events. This year more than ever before Troy and I really just want to avoid anything extra that really does detract from what Christmas is all about. And it feels so nice already with the changes we’ve made so far.
Justine
December 15th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm

Good for you Leslie! I actually feel like baking something today, so maybe I just needed to wait for the fake gingerbread smell to tempt me into the real thing…
Leisha
December 15th, 2008 @ 10:49 pm

Eh, I say give the neighbors a gingerbread scented candle and let them pretend I baked.
wendy
December 15th, 2008 @ 11:20 pm

Leisha, yours is my favorite comment. I love it!
Justine
December 16th, 2008 @ 10:47 am

Leisha, that is a most excellent idea, most excellent indeed…