Painting 101

Posted by Dalene | April 29, 2010 | 29 Comments

Admittedly, I am a registered Republican.

But, an active campaign volunteer, I’ve campaigned for more Democrats than Republicans. I vote for whomever I want. And I don’t like particularly like Kool-Aid. Not at all.

I loved growing up in the Pacific Northwest.

But I live in Utah now and have come to love its quirks along with its beauties and I get a little riled when commenters go on an “I hate Utah” kick.

I have been a faithful member of the church my entire life.

But the whole Prop 8 thing challenged my faith in ways I never expected and made me look long, deep and hard into what I believe.

I am female.

But I prefer salty over sweet, campy vampire or superhero movies over chick flicks, and dogs over cats. In a conflict I usually get mad and get over it instead of the alternative.

I am a quilter.

But sewing makes me swear.

I am approaching 50.

But I still remember the sting of 15. Like a child, I get excited over the simplest of things. And sometimes I like to play in the dirt.

I love what I do for my paid job. I frequently get props at work. We have interesting clients. I know what I do makes a difference for them.

But my heart is at home. I make unseen sacrifices in my “career” so I can put my family first. Because I know what I do makes a difference for them.

I love to go out with girlfriends and talk late into the night.

But I’m also an early riser. My internal alarm usually goes off between 5:15 and 5:45 a.m. (Between you and me, I think the siesta people have it right.)

I love Mother’s Day. It’s a great time to reflect on the joys and perils of motherhood.

But I also hate Mother’s Day. It’s like someone is holding a high-powered magnifier on mine every imperfection and projecting it onto a JumboTron at LaVell Edwards Stadium. Last year we had to sing Love at Home. Twice.

I don’t dust.

But I change out my dish towels and washcloths every day.

In my heart and in my head I know that I cannot make other people happy.

But sometimes it still stings a little when my best is not enough.

Occasionally, I like to crank it up and listen to The Cars, Muse, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Ting Tings or Keane alone in my car.

But in recent years I’ve discovered a love for Gregorian chants, chamber music and the soulful sound of a well-played string instrument.

***************

Last summer I attended a studio night with Leslie Graff (Sound fun? It was. Want to join me at another one this summer?). As she unpacked her supplies to share with us, I noticed Leslie had a significant number of tiny brushes in various shapes and sizes, as well as an entire rainbow’s worth of paints. Paints that created even more colors when mixed together or painted next to or over each other.

She did not get out a giant roller brush and slather the same color of paint all over an entire canvas.

***************
Do you find you have preconceived notions about people based on politics, gender, religion, economic status, what they do for a living, or anything else? What is most likely to shatter those notions? When that happens, how does it make you feel? Do you tend to prefer or associate more with people who think like you do? Are you comfortable discussing differences of opinion, ideas or experiences with others?

What assumptions do people make about you that just aren’t true?

“Much of the vitality in a friendship lies in the honoring of differences, not simply in the enjoyment of similarities.”–Author Unknown

Comments

29 Responses to “Painting 101”

Justine
April 29th, 2010 @ 6:59 am

I hate the assumptions people make about me – but I’m sure I do it, too. I love my diverse collection of friends, and I love that I am constantly having my conceived notions of the world challenged by friends that see the world differently.

Because, honestly, we all see the world differently from each other, don’t you think? And if that is truly the case, then we all must be ok.

But I know how some people perceive me, and I know some people don’t like me for it, but I’m happy with who I am, mostly, so I’ve just got to make that enough.
Lindsay
April 29th, 2010 @ 7:17 am

My knee-jerk reaction is to assume pretty, shy/quiet women are snobs (some brain patterns from high school never die). I’m happy to say I’m often proved wrong.

What assumptions do people make about me that just aren’t true?
That I’m graceful. And that I like ketchup.
dalene
April 29th, 2010 @ 7:39 am

Justine–I believe our brains just naturally try to sort out the world–what we see, what happens to us, the people we meet, etc. It’s a constant challenge to consciously NOT do that. I cannot imagine anyone finding something not to like about you. You are amazing and wonderful!

Lindsay–I know! I didn’t even realize I did that until a good friend of mine, who is darling and quiet–at least until you get to know her, mentioned that throughout her life she has been accused of being stuck up. She is anything but. Oh, and I’m not so fond of ketchup, either.
caaesh
April 29th, 2010 @ 8:08 am

I try my hardest not to have preconceived notions about people. Of course it happens occasionally, but I really try to have an open mind. When I find that I have pre-judged someone I usually have some kind of a mind-opening experience. And then I find myself saying, “Why didn’t see them that way before?”

I think one of the best guards against assumption making is service. Since I’ve been the RS president of my ward I find that I look at the same women completely differently–with more understanding, compassion and allowances for differences and quirks. You don’t have to have a RS calling to do that though–just say hello.

Assumptions people make about me (I think): that I must be lazy because I’m overweight, that I served a mission, that I’m going to have more children.
dalene
April 29th, 2010 @ 8:18 am

Great point–service can give one the opportunity to really get to know and love someone who may have life experiences and perspectives different than one’s own and can truly be a mind-opening experience.

I know it’s not the same thing, but one of the thing I love about Segullah is the opportunity we have to share the stories of women have have walked a variety of paths. My hope is always that reading one another’s stories and discussing how we think and feel about various topics–whether sacred or secular–can, in some way create that same sort of mind-opening experience and strengthen our sisterhood.
Jennifer
April 29th, 2010 @ 8:41 am

Categorizing people used to be a vice of mine until I realized that I’m really hurting potentially great relationships before they even began. I was so tired of feeling threatened by people just because they thought differently than me. I’m so much more aware of my biases but I really try to live and let live. I’m so much more peaceful when I’m less concerned with other’s behavior. It’s possible for me to simply love and accept myself and others as is.

Thanks for the post. Great things to think about today!
FoxyJ
April 29th, 2010 @ 9:15 am

I have had the experience of having someone make horrible, uninformed statements about me in a public forum. It was awful and I’ve tried hard not to do the same to others. I can’t say that I don’t make judgements, though. I’ve just gotten good at not speaking them out loud. For me, one of my weaknesses is dealing with those who own nicer homes or seem to have more money than me. I tend to assume things about them that aren’t true–as another commenter mentioned, childhood thought patterns are hard to kill. Lately I’ve been working on living more ‘deliberately’ and acting instead of reacting, and as part of this I’m learning to question the assumptions and judgements that come to my brain when I meet people. It is hard–snap judgements and labelling are the easy way to live life. Really seeing people how they are and dealing with complexity is the challenge.
Kalli
April 29th, 2010 @ 9:17 am

Pet Peeve City for me right there.
Rebecca
April 29th, 2010 @ 9:46 am

Lately I think of the phrase, “Charity seeketh not her own,” and I realize that is very hard to do (or not do rather). It is so nice to find people with whom I can relate. Yet I also enjoy learning different people’s viewpoints. All too often, however, it is difficult to ask questions of people who see things differently than me, because it feels like I am putting them on the defensive.

After living in a house in Salt Lake for two years, I finally met my neighbors a few houses up the street. They were Catholic and had two children, each a month younger than my two children. The mother and I shared the same first name, and surprisingly, a lot of other things. That friendship was such a blessing to me.

I agree that we rob ourselves of wonderful relationships when we categorize people, (although I recognize that it is just our “natural man” trying to make sense of the world).
MelissaPete
April 29th, 2010 @ 9:51 am

My first impressions about people are usually wrong, but I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because I use superficial markers like appearance, style, manner. It happens every time–I think I’ll never be friends with this person, and then we become best friends. Or I want to be friends with this person, but there is no connection. Happens with teachers, colleagues, etc. It gives the whole first impression thing a different meaning for me. Getting to know the person is how I discover that my perception was skewed. Sometimes it bugs me because I’m disappointed, and other times I’m pleasantly surprised because I had no expectations. I prefer hanging out with people who align with my beliefs (religious or social), but I have friends who do not. I don’t like confrontation, so when I spoke out politically (for the first time in my life) on Prop 8 and received two very disturbing emails from “friends”, I was really bummed. I don’t really push my opinion because I believe everyone is entitled to their own, and I don’t like angry confrontation at all. As for the last part of the questions, I used to be perceived as conceited. I think my silence was intimidating, but frankly, I had so much going on in my personal life that I was rather self-focused and not really trying to shun anyone. Now that I’m older and know that that perception has happened over and over, I make an effort to smile and say hello to new people so they know that I’m approachable and friendly.
Andrea R.
April 29th, 2010 @ 10:00 am

Usually if I have a preconceived notion or make judgments about other people it’s because of an insecurity I have about myself. For example, if I’m critical of the way someone disciplines their kids, it’s because deep down I don’t think I’m doing a good job at being a mom.

I also realize that people judge me without really knowing me. They see the piercings and the tattoo and automatically make assumptions about my level of spirituality. I enjoy proving them wrong. On the other side, people hear that I’m Mormon and automatically assume that I’m a conservative Republican. Wrong again.

This is a great post Dalene. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest too — where did you grow up?
Leah Killian
April 29th, 2010 @ 10:51 am

Wonderful post. This is a timely topic for me. I am moving from CA to SD in about three months, courtesy of the USAF. It has made me reflect back on my time here, how I’ve grown and changed, and the relationships I have had with the people here.

I can write people off pretty quickly from a first impression- but it is frequently based in my own fear of rejection than any really fault on someone else’s side. For example, I may meet Ms. Stylish and just assume we won’t be friends because I’m rather trend-deficient.

I remember many years ago being told that I came off as arrogant and intimidating. This was news to me since I have always had the habit of unfavorably comparing myself to others, and most of the time, the people who felt that way were people who I thought were pretty neat. It made me make more of an effort to be friendly.

I know this move is going to make me have to be more outgoing than I currently am. I will have to be more sincere in my efforts to know people’s names and make connections. We’ve been in CA for 6 years and we’re very comfortable in our social circle.

I’m scared, but I think it will be a good thing

I really worry about how I will be received. Like many have said here, I am more the sum of one of my parts, and I am often not what you expect politically, socially, priority-wise. I hope I can be me and been seen as me, and not a quick construct of how I could be fit into a group, filed, classified and set aside for when that part of me could be needed.
sunny
April 29th, 2010 @ 11:43 am

One of the first things I notice about people is sense of humor, which means that I often write off those who I perceive as not being witty or funny. I might still think they are nice or a good person, but I usually write off the possibility of a real friendship with that person. It’s really stupid. I’d say that in my “real life” humor is my tool of choice in relating to people. I feel thrown off my game when people aren’t funny or don’t think I’m funny. It’s really about me wanting them to relate to me a certain way rather than me being concerned, as I should be, about how they would like to be related to. It’s selfish.

I agree with Leah that most of my snap judgements are based on insecurity (I’m going to not like you before you don’t like me). I find that when I feel close to my Heavenly Father I am not so self-concerned and, in turn, I am able to receive others openly. I am able to see them for who they are on their own, not held up against my own fears about myself. Oh to spend more time in that state than without.

Ironically, I’d say the assumption people most often make about me is that I don’t experience much, if any, insecurity. If only!
mrs chaos
April 29th, 2010 @ 11:46 am

I love people. ALL kinds.

Which makes me *really* love your post.
Emily
April 29th, 2010 @ 11:47 am

Great post. I don’t know that I make a lot of negative assumptions about people. I try hard to see the best and give the benefit of the doubt. I have felt jealous at times when I see someone and I’d like their life – maybe they have a nice house, less debt, or – before I was able to have a child – children. Once I felt that way about a girl I had known since HS – cute and stylish, way smart husband – but it was completely turned around when I attended her husband’s funeral a month before she was to give birth to twins. I haven’t wanted anyone else’s life since that day.

I guess as a middle school teacher I got used to not being liked all the time. I think I made a difference for a lot of kids, but I know there were some who really did not like me. But it still stung to have heard from a friend that another friend said I had become anti-social since being pregnant. I thought, “Hello! Your wife just had a baby – did you forget how tough it is? And I am even working full time too!” I was glad that my friend stuck up for me and said that I had been really tired.
corktree
April 29th, 2010 @ 1:08 pm

My thoughts echo Leah’s. I make assumptions all the time out of intense insecurity and I tend to dwell on all the reasons that so-and-so and I can’t be friends, simply because we didn’t hit it off on the first encounter. It becomes a negative cycle for me when I begin to consider myself so completely different from everyone around me that I can’t possibly find someone to relate to on a real level. But in reality, everyone probably feels this way at some point or about a certain perspective that they have.

In truth, I’ve been complaining that I’ll never find a friend “like me”, but what I really want is someone that’s willing to be different from me and up front about it. I want to have my perspective challenged and be able to comfortably share my own differing opinions without fear of judgment. But I need to be willing to show others that I’m able to do that first I guess. To assume that I could be friends with anyone instead of no one and see where it leads.

I’ve actually had some successful moments lately with being extremely honest with people around me that I felt didn’t understand where I was coming from. It hasn’t made me any instantly amazing and lifelong types of friendships, but I’ve been really surprised at the positive reactions and conversations I’ve had because of it, and it gives me more hope. I think a lot of people crave the opportunity to open up and get past the niceties while suspending the assumptions. Someone just needs to take the first step.

Oh, and I’m also one of those that’s been told I come off as arrogant or unfriendly. I think it’s my natural normal facial expression (which I am in an ongoing battle to improve) and the fact that I try to act confident and secure even when I feel the opposite. I used to buy into the idea that “like attracts like” and that if I acted like I had friends, then maybe people would want to BE my friend. Hogwash to that I say. Instead, I’m coming to understand that one of those things you hear all the time and don’t believe really works because it’s too simple (and yet takes a lot of faith/work on your part) is actually true: You have to be a friend to make a friend.
Sue
April 29th, 2010 @ 2:18 pm

I can’t help but form a first impression of people. I always do. But I’m wide open to being proved wrong…and I think I’m good at noticing when I am. I like it when people surprise me.

I enjoy being around individuals with diverse opinions and feel bored and sometimes stifled in a homogenous group. This often motivates me to say shocking things or take an opposing view just to stir things up a bit.

Irony: The thing that makes me judgmental of people is when they are being judgmental. I know. I’m slightly twisted.

As for assumptions made about me, I have so many conflicting sides to my nature (as your post exemplifies), that pretty much anything people suppose about me may be true. One thing I do notice is that people think I’m more easy-going than I am. I think that’s because my intensity is more engaged by ideas or thoughts that come to me in times of solitude. When I’m in a social situation, I tend to keep it reasonably light. (Unless, of course, it’s one of those deep and depthy, late-night conversations with close friends.)

My husband says I always think I’m right. He’s wrong.
Lindsey
April 29th, 2010 @ 2:40 pm

Thank you for this post. I enjoyed every bit of it and felt your love as I read it. I find that at times I’m not even honest with myself, let alone other people, because I fear the judgement of others.

I am a quiet, often reserved, individual that I feel gets labeled as not friendly/stuck-up. But those that know me know that is not the case. I have to feel comfortable around someone in order to open up. Your post has given me an uplifting within myself to just be me and if you like me great! if not, that’s a-ok
Rebecca
April 29th, 2010 @ 3:07 pm

Is there such a thing as being stuck-up or are people only labeled as such by others? It seems that all of those who are labeled as such are really just quiet and reserved. Does anyone really own up to being a snob? And if they do–why?

Personally, I get into ME modes when I can find fault with everyone and everything, but even in the midst of this I know that it isn’t really about THEM. It’s about ME–my insecury, my loneliness, my stress. During these times I am trying to justify my misery. I am amazed at how opening my heart to others can change these times for me. I rarely open myself to others with a smile or a comment and get shut down.
she-bop
April 29th, 2010 @ 3:42 pm

I loved this post Dalene. Thank you. I have a lot to say on the subject, but it’s too close to the surface right now. One thing I know about me, is I get too caught up in stuff. I think too much, am too sensitive, and then I just want to shut down. I think I seem pretty sure of myself to others, but inside is a little girl that still wishes I could hide in a closet and it would all go away. I try really hard to be nice, I try to think of ways to do service, but I still feel like I struggle to have friends. Luckily I married my best friend, and as long as he likes me, I don’t really care what others think. Someone told me once that I was intimidating. It has really caused me to think about what I do to project that image, and how to change it. I sometimes have a hard time relating to adults. Too many people grow up to be old. Meaning, they lose their spunk. I really have to try sometimes to just be nice. One funny thing to add – many of my friends and even family consider me to be the liberal of the bunch. How surprised they would be to find out just how much of a Conservative I am. Politics is something I will never talk about. I think people think I have no opinion on the matter, when in reality I most certainly do.
Deborah
April 29th, 2010 @ 5:03 pm

Loved this.
Melissa Y.
April 29th, 2010 @ 5:16 pm

I love the image of painting. I’ll try to remember that I need to use a bunch of small brushes when painting character.
Giggles
April 29th, 2010 @ 6:11 pm

People’s perceptions are an interesting part of identity. I know people make assumptions about me, so I try to control what parts of my identity are revealed when to try and control the directions their assumptions take.

Generally I find that people assume you are just like them and think like them. That’s a hard assumption to break. It’s probably because it’s difficult to imagine another way to think about an issue than the way you think about it.
Julie
April 29th, 2010 @ 9:08 pm

First off, I think I want to be Dalene when I grow up.

I love the brushes analogy. I’ve gone through a bit of a rocky year at church, and I think at the core is a lot of “roller-brush” perceptions. I felt the women in my ward alienated me because they thought they had nothing in common with me, but I never tried to show them otherwise. I’ll not be making that same mistake again.
m2theh
April 30th, 2010 @ 11:44 am

I thought that I could have nothing in common with someone in my ward because she seemed very churchy, and we struggle with praying every day. Then I found out she likes to read a lot of the same books I do and watches some of the same shows, like CSI. Serves me right for judging a book by the cover.
Rynell
April 30th, 2010 @ 3:49 pm

I am nothing if not contradictory.
Sharlee
April 30th, 2010 @ 5:01 pm

I love that we are all such a mass (or mess? ) of contradictions. We do a real a disservice to each other when we try to pigeon-hole people.

Those who don’t know me well often assume that I’m very serious and straight-laced. And I can be, I suppose. But far more often I’m just plain goofy and a little bit silly. I love ballet, museums, and classical music, but I also like driving tractors and milking cows. I generally prefer obscure foreign art films, but I also dig “The Three Amigos” and love, love, love sappy musicals like “The Sound of Music”! I feel equally comfortable in a skirt and stilettos or sweat pants and flip-flops. I’m a fiscal conservative, a social liberal (well, in Utah, at least), and a political moderate. I’d love to do lunch with both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin (not at the same time, preferably ). Depending on the situation or my mood, I can be extroverted or introverted, the life of the party or a real stick-in-the-mud, emotional or supremely rational. I love edamame, but hate peas. I can’t stand milk, but couldn’t live without cheese. I think spiders are kinda cute and don’t really mind snakes, but MICE!? Full-blown phobia.

Go figure.

As President Hinckley might say: “Isn’t it wonderful!?”

Great post, Dalene.
Melody
May 2nd, 2010 @ 9:19 am

Dalene, I love this post, the title, the beautiful conclusion wrapping me back to the title, the sensitive and universal message.

Just now I am thinking of a scene in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. A little (white) girl is talking to the Morgan Freeman (black) character.
CHILD: Did God paint you?
AZEEM: Did God paint me? [Smiles] For certain.
CHILD: Why?
AZEEM: Because Allah loves wondrous variety.
Geo
May 5th, 2010 @ 5:38 pm

When I was a senior in high school I was voted “Most Dependable” in our graduating class, along with a boy I’d had a crush on since junior high. I remember being bewildered about the title—where did it come from and what did it really mean? I have to laugh when I look back on that now, because neither one of us was dependable. The boy was actually quite a rascal, and I—well, I was simply untested. When was I ever dependable back in those days? Never, that’s when. Okay, maybe I could be depended upon to NOT party, to blush easily, to pass notes in class, and to shy away from any attention focused in my general direction. Is that dependable? Really?

Since then, I’ve been given credit and discredit for so many bogus qualities. I think most of us go around getting each other all wrong. I used to think it happened more to shy people, as they are so often mistaken for snobs or sages or whatever, but the longer I live the more I believe it’s a universally applied mistake. It’s good practice to try to get rid of our blinders, to weed out our sensitivities, and to nurture a deep sense of humor.

What a bunch of bumblebutts people are. But I like them more all the time.