My younger self was so uptight! I wish I had a few do-overs for just such occasions.

My {fairly recent} older self is trying to be more conscious of the moments like these. I find myself thinking: “how do you really want to REMEMBER this moment?” It often helps me loosen up, let things go, just enjoy; come what may and love it. Too bad, really too bad, I didn’t figure this out earlier. Maybe I still have a chance to teach it to my children…

=)

But sometimes the expectation doesn’t match up with the personality of my spouse. So if I want our family to do something habitually or actively, I need to show that I’m serious about it and take charge until he’s comfortable and ready to take charge himself.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m learning how to hold myself to the same expectation that I hold my spouse. It’s hard, but when I succeed it’s totally worth the outcome.

“Learning to openly and honestly express my expectations, and also to not foist unrealistic expectations on my spouse, has been the biggest blessing of my marriage”

I wish I were perfect at it, too (or even very good). Instead, for me it’s process of awareness, apology, and growth. What a gift you’ve given yourself and your family. Old (inherited) patterns are so hard to alter. Thanks for sharing your experience.
. . .
Sage, I’ve always thought it should be both “bare” and “bear” our testimonies! Great questions; I wish I knew the answers. I think J touched on one of the keys: communicating our expectations. I have a relative who is really very good at this so I channel her when it’s hard to speak up. And then, as you say, open-hearted compassion, knowing that we’re all going to fall short of each others’ expectations at some point.

But the tension between dreams vs. lowered expectations? I’m not sure; I’ll have to think about that some more. Maybe the key is to make the dreams about *us* & our efforts and not about a hazy notion of others’ making the dreams come true.

Learning to openly and honestly express my expectations, and also to not foist unrealistic expectations on my spouse, has been the biggest blessing of my marriage. I see so clearly how different my life is with him because of the difference in communication.

And then I lay in bed in the fetal position, crying, after every get-together with my family – angry, hurt, confused, and often bewildered by my inability to guess my mother’s requirements of me.

It’s an enormous blessing to grow into this understanding and learn that communication skill. I count myself incredibly blessed to fight out of it. Wish I was perfect at it…