Playing Big

Posted by Michelle L. | December 31, 2008 | 19 Comments

Ooh, we’re lucky today. I’ve persuaded Annie of Basic Joy to share a post that will inspire you for the New Year. Annie is the mother of 3 incredible children, loving wife to G, a fellow at Tufts University and an incomparable friend. She also runs the Letters to a Parent Project and she’d probably be thrilled if YOU submitted a letter this year. Enjoy!

Today as I was watching my daughter’s violin lesson, her wonderful teacher Cate asked “Maddy, do you consider yourself to be someone who holds pieces of herself back & tries to take up less room? Or do you think of yourself as someone who opens right up and shares with everybody and isn’t afraid to be noticed?”

“Well…both, I guess.” (Which is true…she does both. Maybe we all do.)
“Hmm. Right now your violin is asking you to open up more. To be bigger. To take up space. To share more of what you’re feeling through your music. It’s a great invitation! Can you do it?”

Meanwhile, I’m over on the scratchy sofa, inspired and inwardly nodding my head and saying “Yes, I can, Cate. I will play bigger. I will share. I will take up space.”

My life has been asking that of me lately, too, and it’s scary: a challenging new church calling, for example. A chance to step up and demonstrate what I’ve learned in an unfamiliar setting. And a lingering desire to express myself in writing. I’m a walking contradiction (um, my first blog was called Ambitious Homebody…that about sums it up). I want to rise to the challenge that opportunities bring. But I also crave staying well within my comfort zone. Preferably with jammies on. Pieces of this Nelson Mandela passage have been rattling around my brain so I had to go look it up:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Amen, Nelson Mandela. You know what you’re talking about, sir.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

19 Responses to “Playing Big”

jendoop
December 31st, 2008 @ 11:14 am

This post is great to ponder as we start a new year. I love that Mandela quote. It makes me think of meekness in a different light.
Em
December 31st, 2008 @ 1:36 pm

Very well put. You’ve made me think a little more about opening myself up and manifesting my talents to the world. I need to rediscover those I burried long ago.

I also love this quote, though I found out a while ago that it isn’t Nelson Mandela’s quote but is actually Marianne Williamson who said it in her book “A Return to Love.” (My sister, who’s read the book, pointed it out to me) It seems like something Mandela would say though.

http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/quotes/williamson/our_deepest_fear/
wendy
December 31st, 2008 @ 2:25 pm

This is so very timely. Thank you!
Sage
December 31st, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

I’m pretty sure Nelson Mandella did say it, but he was quoting Marianne Williamson. I have heard this too (one of the general authorities also quoted it if I remember right, but definitely my neighbor shared it and I have had it in the back of my mind ever since).

Thanks for sharing the great lesson your daughter received. What a wise teacher (the violin teacher and you!) I need to print out that quote and tape it to my forehead. I think I close up way too much!

Happy New Year!!
Blue
January 1st, 2009 @ 1:30 am

Em and Sage are both right. I have this quote next to my computer on the wall. She wrote it, he quoted it. Great insights Annie! And awesome question from Cate!
HNY!
Claudia
January 1st, 2009 @ 9:41 am

So, does opening up her playing mean to play louder or to use more bow? It would be nice to know how to do some of these things.
Miss Mel
January 1st, 2009 @ 12:00 pm

uh, I hate to disappoint you all, but I wrote it.

This is just a lovely post and it deeply touched me to demonstrate this in my own life and encourage it in my own kids. Your child has got a great violin teacher. Don’t lose her!
Thank you for sharing on this first day of the year.
Miss Mel
January 1st, 2009 @ 12:01 pm

uh, I hate to disappoint you all, but I wrote it. Please tell Ms. Williamson and Mr. Mandela.

This is just a lovely post and it deeply touched me to demonstrate this in my own life and encourage it in my own kids. Your child has got a great violin teacher. Don’t lose her!
Thank you for sharing on this first day of the year.
Connect « Mommom’s Garden
January 1st, 2009 @ 12:43 pm

[...] there were many other posts as New Year’s Eve approached. As I read this one over at Segulla about “Playing Big” my word started to come into focus. Something [...]
Janet
January 1st, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

Thanks for a great post for New Year’s Day. I feel encouraged and inspired by your words.
Kim W
January 1st, 2009 @ 9:21 pm

I have long loved this Marianne Williamson quote, but this context of a child and a violin teacher brought the concept to life for me in an entirely different way. I am so glad you posted, and so grateful I read it today as I start the new year.
Zina
January 2nd, 2009 @ 12:04 pm

I relate to this in so many ways that I’m afraid I’m about to write one of my far-too-long comments. Just one example of my tendency to keep myself closed in is that when my husband and I were dating, I would leave all my needs for later, after our dates — I would rarely-to-never, for example, ask him to stop at a grocery store while we were out so I could pick up something I needed. Then, when he and I were married and he was *always* around, I was so used to deferring to him that I found myself feeling like “When will I EVER get the chance to get MY needs met?!”

Twelve years later I am a very assertive wife, so I’m confident that I can overcome my self-annihilating tendencies when properly motivated. But the tendencies are always cropping up in fresh new settings — now, for example, I can tend to stress over how I’m going to get all the housework done by myself, forgetting that I have a husband and two of my children who are able to do a good portion of it. (This, too, I’m overcoming. The motivation is definitely not lacking.)

My oldest child nearly always prefers to stay very far from the limelight, but he will suddenly eagerly seek attention when he’s doing or demonstrating something he loves, so I try to notice those moments and nourish them — and let him do his own shy/quiet thing the rest of the time. My second and third children, both daughters, are both VERY “out there” — far more than either my husband or me — and watching them do their uninhibited thing brings me a lot of enjoyment, especially since I like to think it means I haven’t passed on my own handicaps to them. I do notice that the older daughter is starting to become more reserved in some contexts as she becomes more aware of social conventions, but so far this hasn’t seemed to happen to a crippling degree, so I see it more as a case of her maturing in positive ways and being sensitive to others than as a case of her being stifled.

I also think there’s a very fine line between letting our light shine and being narcissistic (a line best determined on a case-by-case basis.) I do think there’s room in the world for everyone to be “powerful beyond measure” as in the quote above, but there wouldn’t be much benefit to that unless we’re all also generous enough to take time out from being fabulous enough to appreciate others’ fabulousness (and again, we can err on either extreme — from having no time to appreciate others, or taking no time to develop our own greatness.)

Actually I’m now thinking that we shine best when we’re seeking God’s glory and not our own — which is a thought that the Williamson/Mandela quote implies but doesn’t quite put explicitly. Sometimes we shine best by casting our light on someone else; sometimes we have to give up our shyness or fears to let the light shine right on us.

Also: my patriarchal blessing says something about that there will be “more opportunity for progression and growth” in the Millenium than in our current mortal state, which has often been very comforting to me as I’ve encountered very debilitating challenges inhibiting my growth and others’. For many of us in this world, great triumphs over mortal weaknesses will be barely visible in contrast to what some others (who inherited different challenges) may be able to accomplish, and once our mortal constraints are removed, we’ll *all* be able to shine much more brightly. Or, in yet other words, for some in this life it’s a great triumph just to get out of bed in the morning.
Michelle L.
January 2nd, 2009 @ 12:22 pm

Zina– I love your long comments and especially this one! You’re right. There is a balance and seeking God’s glory is probably the best way to find it. And I love the idea from your patriarchal blessing!
annie
January 3rd, 2009 @ 5:53 am

Hi everyone,
What a treat to come home from out of town and find all of your wonderful comments. Em, Sage, and Blue, I’m glad you cleared up the quote discrepancy since I had seen it attributed to both as well. Zina, thanks for articulating the balancing act that I think is also implicit in the quote. I think “playing big” means overcoming fear in being who you are and not hiding your light under a bushel. This can take as many forms as there are souls and includes (and is really all about) doing good in the world, self-forgetting good and service and talent developing.

Some people probably need to be told to play not-so-big but I think there are many more people held back by fear or shame or feelings of inadequacy (and sometimes it’s the same person at different times…I go through periods of pulling back and reprioritizing and simplifying and quieting where I could have written a post that is the flip side of this one). After I wrote this post in early September, Elder Uchtdorf gave his wonderful creativity talk and that resonated with me and my thoughts about this, too.

Happy New Year, all!
Johnna
January 3rd, 2009 @ 10:29 am

wow. this is just what I need. I’ve got so much to take on now, and the possibility I can do it is a scary as the familiarity of that I would not.

And a cool picture too, really perfect.
the other Michelle L.
January 3rd, 2009 @ 2:55 pm

This post reminds me of when I took a conducting class and we were given that same kind of coaching — to open ourselves up, risk, take up the space that we were hesitant to take up.

Zina, your comment was great, and that last paragraph nearly took my breath away. Thank you.
jenny
January 6th, 2009 @ 8:32 am

Annie, I loved it just as much as the first time I read it. It really touched me then and is a good reminder now to continue to seek out my own way of playing big. It means different things for different people, as we all have our own and unique challenges. You are so cool. Thanks for your inspiration.
Christie
January 6th, 2009 @ 9:51 am

LOVE this post, and, as always, love your wise, wise words. I think the world is better for having you in it!
eljee
January 6th, 2009 @ 10:11 am

This past weekend I went to a workshop on dealing with performance anxiety (for musicians). The psychologist that spoke talked about the negative self-talk that we give ourselves and how that has such a profound effect on us. I realized that I had inadvertently been doing this to my 6-year-old son. He is showing a great deal of natural talent for sports, and we were worried about him getting a “big head” as he played on a soccer team this past fall. We were trying so hard to help him be a team player and recognize the contributions of the other team members. This in itself was an important and worthy endeavor, but the way we were doing it was to undermine his achievements and to make his talents seems “less”, to keep him humble. After taking this performance anxiety class, and also thinking about this thread, I realized what a mistake we had been making! I am resolved to allow and encourage him to play big! It is not my main responsibility to protect the feelings of the other players on his team if he does well. Of course we still will work on pointing out the contributions of other kids, especially the quiet contributions. But no longer will we do so by trying to downplay his talents.