Pliability, Adaptability, Variability

Posted by Michelle L. | December 5, 2009 | 49 Comments

When Grandma is writhing in pain from cancer– who will hold her hand?

When the school calls about Johnny’s trouble with reading– who will spend countless hours tutoring him?

When a neighbor goes through divorce and then depression– who will tend her children; who will bring her meals?

We will. The Women of Zion.

I’ve told this story before.

How at 16 my patriarchal blessing instructed me “in your schooling prepare yourself to be a mother in Zion, for this is your role in life.” I assumed it meant that I should pursue a Home Ec degree at BYU. But now, I believe the Patriarch and the Lord were simply advising me to be FLEXIBLE.

I’m encouraging every young girl I know to pursue education that will lead to a viable career– to advise otherwise would be irresponsible on my part– but I’m also asking them to consider the many variables of life and to search for an occupation that can be delayed, pushed aside, even abandoned for her first priority as a nurturer.

And forgive me for the stereotypes but I’m suggesting teaching, nursing, cosmetology; creative fields such as interior decorating, photography, writing; while also acknowledging that speech pathology, law and many medical careers can be adaptable to the winding path of a woman’s life. Not just the variancies of pregnancy and motherhood, but for my unmarried Aunt Kate who took six months away from her nursing job to care for her ailing mother. And my friend Mary who set aside her interior design practice to support her husband in a job in Switzerland. He NEEDED her to establish a household; he couldn’t do his job without her help. My sweet neighbor Ashli who took on more salon clients when her husband’s work suffered in a slow real estate market. And Sarah who closed her photography business when it interfered with her growing family.

I know my views are controversial. Women have fought for centuries for the right and opportunity to have their cake and eat it too. And surprisingly, that attitude seems more prevalent in the church that in the rest of the world. I feel pressure to be career minded from my Mormon friends, while my non-LDS friends simply marvel at my work as a mother of six. Why is that? Do we see so many fantastic mothers around us that we discount the day-to-day work that true nurturing entails?

Women no longer want to be typecast into supporting roles– we want to be the main event. But if you think about it, Christ has taken the role of Deliverer, the Shepherd, the Intercessor– His work is essentially picking up other people’s messes. The Lord’s division of the sexes reveals His great trust in women to care for his children.

When my mother was dying this summer, I was amazed to see the innate nurturing qualities in my little girl. She is a whirling dervish at home but was able to to bring peace and comfort to my mother in a way that her male cousins could not. I know this ability is a gift from God. My brilliant little Mary can do anything– I can scarcely wait to see the talents she develops– but I will encourage her to be flexible, to nurture those around her, and if she is blessed with children, to put her full efforts into mothering.

I’ve been at home with little ones for almost two decades now and yes, I’d love to get that master’s degree I’ve always dreamt of. But the time is not now– as my oldest son reminds me, “You can’t burn out on mothering yet, mom. We still need you.” and even more poignantly, “Every time you say ‘yes’ to something else, you’re saying ‘no’ a hundred times to our family.”

My family needs me, and I believe they are worth my time.

How do you feel about your role as nurturer?
What kind of careers would you recommend to young women? I’m sure I’ve missed a few!
When has flexibility blessed your life?
Do you feel pressure to have a career or a side business? Etsy anyone?
Do you completely disagree with everything I’ve written?

Comments

49 Responses to “Pliability, Adaptability, Variability”

Catania
December 5th, 2009 @ 8:46 am

I love your posts! I do not disagree. You have a lot of questions, and I won’t really attempt to answer them, but I want to leave one comment:

You’re right, as mothers, we often aren’t really the “center of the show.” We are supporting characters in our families. However, I have felt so much joy in such support. When I do something well, and I see my children or my husband succeed, I am overcome with a feeling of accomplishment myself -as I know that i helped make it happen.

Yes, I’d like to go and get a graduate degree. I’d like to write a great book. But for now, I’m happy experiencing life as a Mother. It isn’t always glamorous (read: I’m writing this comment in sweats.), but I’m happy doing it.

Thanks for the post.
sharon lds in Tennessee
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:07 am

“This is my WORK and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man”
God said this in our scriptures. It reminds me that all we do in becoming more like Christ and getting closer to being ONE with Heavenly Father….all we do in nurturing ourselves and those around us…serving with unconditional love, sacrificing for others..as long as it is in the eternal way of life…righteousness and obedience…
ALL these things are for GREAT good and joy, now…..but especially for the future.
We can and will become all we desire in righteousness later..IF we have to delay the now.
That is why progress is eternal.
Gaining truth, light, knowledge….is FOREVER. Yea.
We ALL can get our “masters” degree.
In spirituality AND in all knowledge in ALL things!!!!!
If it needs be later, okay. We will be wiser. We will be more understanding and patient (smile…cause I hope so). There IS NO END to possibilites if you remember mortal life ending is only a temporary change of residence. NOT opportunity to keep learning, growing, changing, becoming. Just the end to a body capsule that inhibits / challenges / forwards in many ways…the REAL us. An Eternal being…in the process of becoming..LIKE..our Heavenly Mother / and Father / and Brother Savior Jesus!
Love to All. I rejoice in my dear sweet sisters out there joining in..in our search for meaning and happiness!
sharon lds in Tennessee
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:10 am

Oops, forgot one thing: All the testimonies of those who experience NDE’s (Near Death Experiences)…tell us that there are GREAt libraries, schools of learning, huges computers / books / volumes of knowledge of ALL things for us to absorb..almost instantly..IF we so desire when we get there. Unlimited access to unlimited degrees of knowledge..and then unlimited in scope and possibilites..we can be filled and soar!
JM
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:12 am

I’m with Catania. I am happy to be doing what I’m doing. Maybe it makes a difference that I see it as my choice. It’s the life I wanted and purposefully chose. I love my chosen career, but I love this so much more.

I have also noticed the trend within the church to be more than a mom. Over the past six years or so it has increased. I agree with you that it might be that the role of mom is so commonplace in the church that it’s lost its shine. Reminds me of a comment a dear friend made after moving back to Utah from the Midwest. She called to tell me how much she missed our city. Where we live her small children were admired and complimented frequently while she was running her errands. But, she said, in Utah kids are a dime a dozen, and hers are just more kids and she doesn’t hear a thing.

I also wonder if we, as members, maybe try too hard to be part of the outside culture. The whole mormons-aren’t-christians thing has many of us trying to show how normal and like everyone else we are. But, like you said, it’s many of my non-member friends who are valuing the role of mom.

What a great post. Thanks!
wonder woman
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:20 am

I don’t think your views are as controversial as they are realistic. I love that you’re encouraging th YW to pursue degrees in flexible fields. When it comes to motherhood, I’m not convinced that it’s even possible to have your cake and eat it, too. It seems as though those who attempt it don’t really enjoy it. There’s just too much.

Fantastic post.
La Yen
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:27 am

Thank you for this. To be reminded that Jesus is a caretaker, and that my role can be like His? Amazing. Just what I need to hear.

Thank you.
Angie f
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:38 am

I met my husband my first semester of law school. We were married the beginning of our second year and had our first baby shortly before graduating our third year, so that I studied for the bar with a nursing baby at my side: she turned 6 months days after the bar was over and we both passed. I have worked in an office for less than one year shortly before our second child was born. But I had my own practice on my own time, from a little office in our home (to make ends meet) until shortly before our fifth child was born 6 years later. When it no longer worked for our family, I closed up shop. But there is great peace in knowing that if I needed to, I could start again and support our family. I think the law can be the worst career for a mother (if you let it run your life) and it can be the absolute best career for a mother. Because of my training, not only can I create a flexible career for myself, but I can advocate for my family in a variety of different settings (doctors, school, bullies, HOAs and other neighborhood issues, financial issues, etc)

Two of my sisters are currently supporting their families by working at home with children, one as a writer and editor (and I know many other moms who do this) and one for a medical office software company where she conducts computer training remotely. I have had friends work as dieticians for assisted living facilities where they only needed to do site visits once a week. I worked for a woman in high school who supported her family from home as a r/e appraiser (I did comparable sales research for her). One of my sisters used to do medical transcription from home. I know fantastic photographers who do so from home with little babies. I have known caterers and nurses who work nights. And CPAs and bookkeepers who worked at home too. One of my friends is currently supporting her family by teaching online paralegal classes (she’s an attorney) The technology today is amazing and makes so many things possible. Really you are only limited by your imagination. Find something you love and figure out how to make it what you need it to be.

That comment from the young girl about being too smart to stay at home–my answer would have been to her that staying at home requires more intelligence and more diverse skills than any career she could ever have and it also requires more self-esteem and humility because likely no one will notice 95% of all the wonderful things done in the name of your family.

Being a “woman who knows” requires of us that we become like Elastigirl on the Incredibles. But it is through that growing and stretching beyond what seems humanly possible that we are molded and refined into what the Lord would have us become and I don’t think that growing and stretching ever stops in this life, maybe not even after it.

This is a topic about which I feel passionately. Thank you for your post.
Kathryn Soper
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:52 am

Find something you love and figure out how to make it what you need it to be.

Fantastic advice.
jenny
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:58 am

It’s like a wrote this post from the deepest depths of my heart.
I believe in every word you wrote, right down to the sometimes secret disappointment in my own delayed gratification as an achiever of goals outside my home to the thought that I’m using my talents and intellect to raise five beautiful little human beings.
They are worth every bit of my sacrifice.
Thank you for this, Michelle,
Truly–
thank you.
FoxyJ
December 5th, 2009 @ 10:33 am

Librarianship is another great, flexible, fulfilling career (my husband is a librarian so I have to put in a plug for it ). Most libraries need volunteers so that’s a great way to get started; a library science master’s is only 2 years.

I finally stopped going to gradauate school earlier this year and I have not regretted it. I know many great women who have done grad school and full-time teaching with small children, but I’m not one of them. And it was the right decision for me at the time–I’ve been totally at peace with it. I still have a master’s degree that I can use (and have used) to teach part-time and will probably go back to that in the next year or two. During the years when I was going to school and having children I juggled things so I never felt like I was neglecting them, and most of the time they were with my husband, but I like the other opportunities and flexibility I have now as a full-time mom.

I think if I were in YW I would try hard to teach them some of the following (though I know it’s hard; looking back nearly 20 years I had no idea what my future would be like or what I wanted):

Like Angie said, “find something you love and figure out how to make it what you need it to be” Don’t just be a lawyer or a doctor because they’ll make you money or give you prestige. Don’t be afraid to follow a love of poetry or dance. Also, it can take a while to figure out what you love; give yourself time. Talk to other people and get ideas about what your ‘life work’ could be.

Learn to listen to the Spirit and find what your path in life should be. If I were in YW, this is one of the main things I’d focus on with the girls: personal revelation. Using both our minds and our hearts to figure out who and what we want to be. And when. Timing is important too.

I think it’s important for YW (and YM) to get homemaking skills. Not just for when they are parents but for when they are adults. I have seen leaders and youth balk at learning things like basic sewing or cooking on a budget, but whether or not we marry and have children we will all be adults who need basic skills. I think the same goes for the opportunity to nurture and serve. As a YW I shunned babysitting because I didn’t like small children, but I wish we had sometimes had more service projects that covered a variety of needs and gave us the chance to develop our abilities to serve others.

Don’t know if this really answers your questions, but just some thoughts
courtney
December 5th, 2009 @ 11:10 am

I like to think otherwise, but, in college, I kind of subscribed to the idea that I would just end up getting married and having kids, so I didn’t need to be too serious about my career choices. I wish I had taken school more seriously! I majored in English, which I enjoyed, but now I am trained to do nothing. And I did get married, and I do have a baby, and I am a stay-at-home mom. But I wish I had more options. I wish I had worked harder in school so I could have gotten into a good school for a master’s or I wish I would have done english teaching instead, so I could have more of a marketable skill. I do write and edit from home, but I wish I had taken more time to think about what I wanted to do. There are so many different steps between not working at all and working 40 hours a week with your kids in day care. I wish I had realized that.
I think, like in the original post, it’s important to be flexible. And it’s important to teach the young women that education, a degree, and a career are not just emergency plan B. They can be what you choose, even if you do give it up later. And there are plenty more reasons to need to work than being single or having your husband die. (I think those were the only two I was worried about.) I think it’s all about taken charge of your life and owning your choices.
I do also think it’s important to teach homemaking skills (like FoxyJ said) for YW and YM. That can make getting married and transitioning to parenthood much easier. Whether you work or not, the homemaking must be done. And while I do think women tend to be inherently nurturing, the work that comes along with running a home is learned. And it’s HARD WORK. There isn’t a choice between having a career and running a home. You have to run a home no matter what you do! And I think that’s an important lesson to teach the youth.
jendoop
December 5th, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

We have to be careful when upholding any specific career(s). As Foxy J said earlier, it is so much about personal revelation. There may be a YW that feels a great push toward becoming a doctor but doesn’t go that way because it isn’t “family friendly” when in fact the Lord’s plan for her is to be single and that career would have been his desire for her. Life and career are so unique and personal!

So I hope that when you present careers to the YW you don’t tout certain careers over others in any way other than, “for instance…” Michelle, you’re such an amazing woman that I’m sure those YW look up to you so much that they’ll take your word as gospel truth.

We ARE the center of the show when we rise to the divinity within us to be mothers! If the most important thing in our lives is gospel and family, then being a mother puts us at the center of what is best about life. I don’t feel a second class citizen because I don’t work outside the home. I feel spoiled! This job feels like the ultimate in CEO positions.

Who is free to serve in community organizations that she feels to be worthy of her valuable time? ME! Who does my two year old squeal in joy to see every morning? ME! Who decides what we eat daily? ME! Who makes vacation plans, wardrobe selections, budget decisions, gift purchases… the list goes on and on! I’ve got the responsibility and glory of being a mother – Hooray! My husband is my counselor in these things but largely he leaves it to me so that he can focus on bringing home monetary support.

Oh, the world wants us to believe that we’re not successful. Which is why we can’t listen to the world. Pray daily and listen to what God tells you about success. It is in fulfilling the measure of our creation. What I do as a career in the future, when my children are grown, will only be window dressing in comparison to the work of mothering I do now.
Michelle L.
December 5th, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

I’ve really enjoyed your comments (and I’m still waiting for someone to come out and tell me I’m a complete nut ).

You’re right Jendoop– it’s important to avoid disparaging or endorsing any particular career. The main theme should be to find what works for each particular person.

I originally had a few paragraphs in my post about teaching our sons to be nurturers too but I felt like I was drifting off topic. I am passionate about teaching my boys to love and serve each other and our neighbors.
Kari
December 5th, 2009 @ 2:08 pm

Wow! I loved reading this post today. Thank you so much for having the courage to state your convictions!

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom, a career mom, and a work-at-home mom (my current gig).

When I was a career mom I was the Director of a college Career Development Center and yes, I do have my MA degree.

There are so VERY many careers that can be flexible. Off of the top of my head –

- Accountant
- Graphic Designer
- Web Designer
- Computer programmer
- Illustrator
- Author
- Journalist
- On-Air Radio Talent (DJ)
- Psychologist
- Physical Therapist
- Radiological Technician
- Phlebotomist
- Attorney
- Political Analyst
- College Professor
- Research Scientist
- College Administrator (many different sub-specialities including Housing and Residence Life, Career Counseling, Student Activities, etc)

As for what career to recommend to the Young Women, I’m an advocate of utilizing all available resources to help them choose a career that fits their temperament, aptitudes, and interests.

Many, many careers can be *made* to be flexible even if they seem to be inflexible on the surface.

It’s imperative that women continue to build up their skills and stay current in their fields so that when they do take time away to be nurturers they will be able to successfully re-enter their career path.

If you have a college or university nearby you might talk with the Director of their Career Development Center (sometimes they’re called Career Services offices) and see what recommendations he/she has for your region/area as career outlooks do usually vary from locale to locale.
that1girl
December 5th, 2009 @ 2:20 pm

I don’t agree with the entire post, but I do appreciate the sentiment. I would add to the job list (as was suggested above) college professor. It may require a PhD – especially if you’re looking for the security of tenure – but I will start my own career in academia soon and look forward to an environment of continual learning, an educational calendar (with Christmas and summers off), a 2- or 3-day work week (and really only required when teaching classes or having office hours), access to GREAT babysitters, and best of all – free or deeply discounted college tuition for my own children some day.

Aside from that, I encourage all of my Young Women to be comfortable with technology, because that can make a great many jobs flexible by adding remote work options.
Angela
December 5th, 2009 @ 2:53 pm

I agree with you that flexibility is very important as young women consider what to major in, what careers to embark on, etc. I’ve been so grateful to have the opportunity to teach as an adjunct professor part time (because I do love to teach). At this time in my life, teaching one class a semester has been perfect. But some women might feel better not working at all, while others might choose to work full time. I know the “whatever works for you!” relativism that some feel we espouse here at Segullah drives some readers bonkers–but I can’t help thinking about all the different women I know and the variety of circumstances that go into making such decisions. And I certainly wouldn’t want to say that no Mormon mother should be a surgeon or an attorney.

I also think it’s important that men, too, consider flexibility in their jobs. For some men, it might not be the best idea to be a surgeon or an attorney or take on a job that requires a lot of travel, because dads having jobs like these require a lot of family sacrifice as well. I know one of the reasons my dad chose the job he did (a cop) is because his father was a lawyer and rarely home, and he wanted to be able to be home at a set time every night and enjoy his kids. But I certainly wouldn’t want to say that no Mormon father should be a surgeon or an attorney. And yes, I realize that there’s a difference between a mother’s role and a father’s–but I don’t want to gloss over the fact that men should make thoughtful career decisions as well, for many of the same reasons as women should.

One last thing: I tend to disagree that Mormon culture is less supportive of women staying home than mainstream US culture. I lived for eight years in the Midwest, and while there were just as many stay-at-home moms of little kids in my suburban Minnesota neighborhood as there are here in Utah, but I found a big difference once kids reached school-age. There was a lot more pressure for my female friends in MN to go back to work once their kids were all in school, whereas among Mormons I don’t sense the same kind of judgment toward women who didn’t go back into the workforce. And, in my experience, it seems to me that Mormon women who choose to stay home still get a lot more support in our culture than women who work. It’s the ideal of the proclamation, after all.
Giggles
December 5th, 2009 @ 3:06 pm

One thing to keep in mind when teaching young women about flexibility is that their plan for their life might not be God’s plan. I had a priesthood leader who used to tell us that “man makes plans and God laughs.”

Because of that I made two plans for my life. I had my I’m-still-single plan and my get-married-and-have-a-family plan. I ended up doing the former a lot longer than I thought I would. But because my whole plan wasn’t dependent on getting married and having kids, I was able to go with what came my way. I developed talents. I had a career. I got a graduate degree and have started on the PhD. My two different plans allowed me to roll with things as they came.

The young woman’s comment about being too smart to stay home reminds me of a comment an older gentleman in the ward told me when I told him after getting my PhD that I really wanted to be a mom. He asked, “Isn’t that a lot of education for that?” Huh? I fully agree that it takes a lot of smarts, of all kinds, to be a mom. And because I was flexible enough to go with whatever plan of mine worked at the time rather than sitting around and waiting for the get-married plan to start, I feel I’m even more prepared for being a great mom and woman in Zion.
nmcb
December 5th, 2009 @ 8:13 pm

I learned of a study recently that showed that women in Utah have more menial jobs (i.e. cashiers, housekeepers, sales clerks) than women in any other state. I read this this to mean that we have discouraged our women from working to the point that, when reality hits and work is required or emotionally desired, our women are unprepared to find more fulfilling occupations.

As modern LDS women, we have been entrusted with an incredibly sensitive balance between magnifying our potential and committing ourselves to family life. Education is required to fulfill our stewardship of that balance. Mormon women should be the most involved, educated, confident and contributing group of women on the planet. We’re not there yet, but I’m greatly encouraged.
Lee Ann
December 5th, 2009 @ 8:36 pm

Oh, my gosh, did your kid actually say this:
“Every time you say ‘yes’ to something else, you’re saying ‘no’ a hundred times to our family.”

I think my kids would sign that petition in a second!

I got a master’s in speech language pathology, and my best friend became a high-powered ICU nurse. Twenty years later, I’m raising three children with speech and language issues, and she has three with life-threatening health conditions. We laugh together and ponder what we could have studied that DIDN’T have any practical use in raising high-needs kids? We think of plans A through C or D, and God sends us Plan Q.
Kerri
December 5th, 2009 @ 9:38 pm

I still struggle with mothering after 13 years. I love it, and I know it’s the most important job there is for me to be doing, but there are so many days where I think, “Seriously. THIS is my life?” I am a musician, and that’s another possibly flexible job. I taught piano for 17 years (12 of them with children) and have accompanied for longer. It worked for us for a long time, and then it didn’t anymore. It’s both a relief and a sadness. The hardest thing for me is that now I have 100% of my time focused on something at which I don’t feel terribly competent. While I taught, I felt like even if I wasn’t a perfect homemaker/mother, at least I was a decent mother, and I was a darned good pianist and piano teacher. Now I feel like I’m a decent mother, but there’s nothing at which I’m great. I am working to be inspired by Heavenly Father to know how to be a great mother, but it’s way harder than being a great piano teacher.

That being said, I totally agree that encouraging young women to consider flexibility is a great idea. That’s one reason I was comfortable pursuing my degrees in music, where if I was worried about full-time compensation, I might have looked in a different direction. It’s true, like others have pointed out, though, that even those careers you wouldn’t consider flexible can be. My aunt is a wonderful pediatrician who has worked for a day and a half for many many years. It’s worked so well for her to be a great mother and a great doctor.
Tay
December 5th, 2009 @ 10:40 pm

I like talking to my friends who aren’t LDS and seeing that they aren’t surprised that I got a college degree and decided to be a SAHM. They might feel differently later when my kids are all in school, but i definitely feel a lot more pressure to have some sort of profession while raising young children from my LDS friends. Is it so bad that I just want to play with my kid or be excited for all my kids to be in school so I have a couple of hours to choose what I do with my time?

And as far as school goes, I’m so glad that I finished. And I’m grateful for my mother’s doubts. She doubted that I would finish when I got married. Doubted again when I found out I was pregnant. But that doubt (it was more worry from love) was what spurred me to have more determination to finish. And I’m glad that I was interested in something that could fit in any direction I want to go if I felt like it.
wendy
December 5th, 2009 @ 11:48 pm

Fantastic post, Michelle–and beautifully written!

I would add therapist (mental health, be it MFT, MSW or Psych), is a flexible career choice. Keeping up licensure is easy. PLUS, keeping one or two clients can even bring in a little extra money if needed and needn’t take a lot of time.

I love my role as nurturer, as Mother. LOVE it. And am so grateful for the opportunity to be both.

More to say, but my thoughts are getting jumbled. Really, Michelle, I loved your words.
Julie R.
December 6th, 2009 @ 11:12 am

I’m single and teach high school–I chose teaching as a career not only because I loved it, but also because I figured it would be something I could do while raising a family. But I’ve been teaching for 10 years, and every year gets harder, and every year I work more hours (I average about 65-75 hours a week, and I don’t even sponsor any extra-curriculars).

I love what I do, but I’m learning that I can’t be the kind of wife and mother I want to be AND be the kind of teacher I want to be at the same time. Five years ago, I was still very much of the opinion that I’d keep working if I ever got married. I’d have a hard time giving up teaching piano lessons, though…

Thanks for the post; I feel like I’m on the right track with my train of thought. Validation is always a wonderful thing.
m2theh
December 6th, 2009 @ 12:22 pm

I’m currently staying at home, but starting to look forward to the time when my kid hits school and I can go back to work part time. However, I have no idea what to pursue as my degree is in office administration and I do not want to work full-time. I’m thinking school office so I get my summers and holidays off with my kid.
Law Mom
December 6th, 2009 @ 12:31 pm

I know that I have made the right choice to stay at home with my very young children, but at times I struggle. Comments hurt me. People in my stake presidency have even asked incredously why I wasn’t practicing law at all. I turned down a six figure job offer at a law firm in a big city I love to be here with my children. In my heart I know that I am doing what I need to do right now.
Why does it hurt me then when people ask me why I am not using my education?
I started law school as a single woman because I was interested in law and felt that it would be a great career. I always knew that I wanted children and that I would stay at home when that opportunity came. I married towards the end of law school and my first child arrived two weeks after I was sworn into the bar. I worked on small projects briefly, but I guess that I am not good at the “balancing.” I stopped all legal work by the time that my firstborn turned one.
I do feel that a stay at home mother receives significantly less respect than an attorney, even from those within the church. I guess if I had more confidence, the comments from others, or news from my alumni magazine about all of the amazing things my law school friends have accomplished would not bother me.
I love my children and cannot even imagine placing them in daycare for my own career. We don’t have a lot, but we certainly have enough to get by on my husband’s salary.
I know that there will be a time of life for me when I can use these talents. I love being able to stay home and mother my children. It can be hard though.
Naomi
December 6th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

FoxyJ and Jendoop already beat me to my gut response to this post. Rather than endorsing specific majors or occupations to young women, I think the real key is teaching these young women how to recognize and follow the Spirit. I would hate to think that a young women simply selects a major or career because it has been marked as “flexible” or okay by her young women’s leader or deemed as “woman’s work.” Rather a young women needs to know that she’s following the path her Heavenly Father wants for her, the path that will not only bring her the most happiness, but also help her to become the best possible. Having this type of knowledge helps when the path gets tough and seems impossible.

As a woman who is following a life and career path I never would have imagined for myself while in young women’s, I am grateful for leaders and teachers who taught me how to receive and follow personal revelation. Without this skill (and I do think it is a learned skill–something I still am learning!), I would not be doing what I’m doing now and would not have the strength and confidence to do it.

Following the Spirit helps us to find the flexibility that has been discussed and allows us to live it in our own personal ways.
Paula
December 6th, 2009 @ 1:48 pm

For me, employment is less about fulfilling a need to accomplish and succeed outside of the home and more about the MONEY. Flexible employment or not, it’s all really about paying the bills. Boring, eh?

This is where I’m coming from: My husband and I were public school teachers before we had kids. I’m a SAHM now and I do in-home child care. Eight years ago, my husband went back to school for an Engineering degree because it was too hard to make ends meet in a family on one teacher’s salary. We now live comfortably on one income (money does not drive my decision to do day care), but I look back sadly that we joked in college about our teaching careers: “We’ll be poor but happy.” Not such a funny joke when real life sets in. Looking back, I wish I’d entered a more lucrative career field. I can’t use my teaching degree on nights or weekends like my pharmacist SAHM friend can. I do daycare for infant twins of my husband’s co-worker. She’s making as much money as my husband is as an engineer–5X more than I do staying at home with her children. It’s a good thing they’re stinkin’ adorable!
Allison
December 6th, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

#27 (Paula) – “I can’t use my teaching degree on nights or weekends like my pharmacist SAHM friend can.”

What about tutoring? I know quite a few teachers and former teachers who make $50+/hour tutoring at night and on weekends. We live in a major metro area but the teachers I know in smaller cities/towns still make $20+/hour tutoring.
Morgan
December 6th, 2009 @ 4:13 pm

I have been going to school off and on for ten years now, most of which was just so that we could get the financial aid to help us survive. Now I will have two AA’s at the end of the spring semester, and have been trying to decide whether to transfer to the University right away or not. I have four kids ages 2 1/2 – 10, and going to school has been really hard. I was thinking that I would wait until they are all in school to finish my bachelor’s, until the counselor told me that I am only a year away from it…I do feel like my focus is split all the time, and think how nice it would be to be able to focus on my kids for a while.

My husband is also in school and working, and circumstances being what they are we live with my mother-in-law currently, so life is hectic. My mother-in-law lost her husband when she had 6 kids ages 18 months – 10 years, and had no schooling at all. She had to put herself through junior college and then the university so that she could support them all. My husband has the same condition that killed his father, and while he is not currently highly at risk for death himself, I have to admit it is a driving factor in my wanting to have my degree. The “what if” is a scary prospect…
Mel
December 6th, 2009 @ 5:56 pm

I think part of the reason why you may feel pressure to have an outside career or take on a more feminist role may be part defense mechanism. Those of us who are forced to focus on a career or work outside the home at times feel that our lifestyle isn’t validated within the culture of the Church and so we may look down on those who are less education, have “lesser” trials, etc. I don’t believe it’s right, but it happens.
Mel
December 6th, 2009 @ 5:57 pm

Ooops “less educated” not “less education.”

Also, THANK YOU for teaching your young women that education is not in case you don’t get married, etc. but BECAUSE you might get married and spend your life raising a family.
E
December 6th, 2009 @ 6:00 pm

I agree with many of the sentiments in your post, but I disagree with your attempts to specifically steer your young women into “family friendly” jobs. In reality, the workplace is rapidly changing, and as has been pointed out, many (most?) interests can be pursued in a “flexible” manner.

Also, I see very few, if any, LDS women who put their careers ahead of their family goals and responsibilities, but I see many, many, too many! who are undereducated and unable to support themselves if needed. I see many whose circumstances require them to work to support their families and they are unable to adequately do so because their goal was always to be a stay-at-home mother. Comment #18 alludes to the fact that LDS women are, unfortunately, more likey to be doing work that is low-paying and menial. I think you should carefully consider whether your advice to the young women may possibly be a factor in leading them into this type of predicament.

I am grateful that the church encourages all of the youth, including the young women, to make education a top priority. I think some adult leaders could do better at teaching them that it IS a priority. I remember the anxiety I had when I was young over whether it was really OK to pursue the education I was interested in rather than something like nursing or teaching. I am glad my leaders did not give me the message that the field I am in was not appropriate for a faithful LDS woman.
Michelle L.
December 6th, 2009 @ 6:54 pm

I was a bit surprised at some of these comments. Where did I exclude ANY occupation?

But as I went back and reread the post I saw where you are coming from. I think I’ve been misunderstood (and I’ll blame my exhaustion and poor writing)– the whole point of this post is that a woman can choose the education and career she wants but she should keep in mind the need to be FLEXIBLE. I haven’t offered a list of good/bad careers but have advised the YW to keep in mind the variables of life– and I don’t think it hurts to suggest options that many girls have never considered like pharmacy or suggesting that law can be very versatile (because it can!).
Katie
December 6th, 2009 @ 10:08 pm

Michelle,
Fantastic post.
Nicole
December 7th, 2009 @ 7:18 am

I’m so glad I majored in Spanish Literature and History (with practically a third major in Theatre) because I loved studying those topics and still find them fascinating and rich. However, as a SAHM nobody pays me to teach or analyze literature or to do research, (or to act in commercials) but I do have a side job as a translator and am the “telephone voice” of several companies. FLEXIBILITY is key.

That being said, somedays I do wish I had learned to cut hair (a profession I thought was beneath me), because it is SO practical. I’ve known several friends who have really been able to supplement their families’ incomes in big ways because of their skills and ability to hang on to their clients. I really admire them! When my husband was out of work for several months I wished I had studied nursing!
Karen M.
December 7th, 2009 @ 9:49 am

This is kind of late, but I found this article in the paper this morning:

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20091207/nobel_laureates_091207/20091207?hub=SciTech

(sorry, I don’t know how to make a hyperlink in a comment)
I think the desire to take time for raising our children and also to excel intellectually is a pretty universal female trait, not just for LDS women. Maybe this generation is one that will see increased flexibility in more fields.
Karen M.
December 7th, 2009 @ 9:49 am

Ah. The link makes itself. Handy.
Naomi
December 7th, 2009 @ 11:14 am

Thanks for the clarification, Michelle.

The article shared by Karen made me think of a book I read a couple of months ago entitled ‘Mothers on the Fast Track: How a New Generation Can Balance Family and Careers.’ Rather than a how-to book of how to have it all (ha!), the authors, Mary Ann Mason & Eve Mason Eckman, look at the research involving women in science, law, academia, and journalism over time and how these career tracks affects women during different stages of life. Above all, Mason & Eckman use the book as a call for more flexibility in the work place for women.
Kristina
December 7th, 2009 @ 1:15 pm

One notion that may have been neglected here is that fathers can plan to have flexible careers as well. We do not have to follow the paradigm that the burden of childcare rests solely upon the shoulders of women. I am engaged to a man who is learning web development so that he can stay home with our future children while I use the PhD in Pharmaceutical Chemistry that has been a source of much peace and happiness to me as I have spent the majority of my 20s being single (I am now 29). I consider Utah Chief Justice Christine Durham to be an inspiration as someone who raised children in the church, with much support from her physician husband, and has a highly influential and rewarding career.
Dianne
December 7th, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

I might be in the minority here, but I wish there would be more discussion within the church about education for women for education’s sake, not merely as a back-up plan in case x, y, or z life events happen. The development of a woman’s mind is a blessing not only to her, but to her family, to society, and to the Church. We do young women a disservice by encouraging education with the above qualifiers. It is precisely these conversations that keep women from considering the whole range of options and opportunities available to them.

One cannot foresee the set of circumstances that might lead (or keep) a woman in the workplace. It is just as likely that a woman’s degree in engineering could be what she, or her family needs, as training in something more traditionally female.

Any education/training choice can be flexible, if in fact that is the aim. It would be a travesty for any young woman to forego a particular path merely because it didn’t meet some arbitrary, pre-conceived notion of “flexibility.”
QueenScarlett
December 7th, 2009 @ 5:35 pm

Loved this post.
Love being a nurturer. I went into Broadcast Journalism and upon graduation jumped into Public Relations. Made money…and was able to work from home when the tech market went south … now I don’t work… so grateful.

I think education for women is powerful. I used to dream grandiose dreams of taking over the world… using my power and influence to build the Lord’s kingdom of Truth. Upon motherhood… I discovered that this mission… this is my dream. And I am building the Lord’s kingdom… and I believe that my education, my thirst for knowledge, my constant interest in the world around me… make for some pretty darn, educated, curious children… who won’t take crap from anyone.

So even if a woman doesn’t receive formal education… she ought to be curious… ought to interested in the world around her… she ought to be secure in who she is, what her mission is… she must find her purpose… because those… those are powerful women.

I’m a huge fan for Sister Kimball… I want to be constantly learning…forever.

I believe that when we are secure in who we are, the place we are standing… the so-called pressures of the world, and the praise of men become meaningless.
Heidi
December 7th, 2009 @ 5:38 pm

Fabulous post! And ditto to Courtney. I wish my college-bound self would have been smarter, and soaked up all the opportunities available to me at the time. I was so focused on having a baby (that wouldn’t come) that I really short-changed my education. I have a degree, but not many marketable skills that could support a family.

I’m happy being at home with my four kids — and so glad that providing an income is not something I have to balance with motherhood. I can’t envision a time in my life that something like graduate school will be an option. Will I still care about using my brain when my kids are grown? I think maybe I’ll just revel in being able to take a nap.
m&m
December 7th, 2009 @ 7:03 pm

I might be in the minority here, but I wish there would be more discussion within the church about education for women for education’s sake, not merely as a back-up plan in case x, y, or z life events happen.

I think that message is there (in fact, remember the August VT message? “Lifelong learning” was one of the headings!

I think that part of the notion of flexibility includes the realization that education is a way of life, not just a degree to prepare for a career.

Still, I think it’s important that the practical be kept on the table, because the practical reality is that most of us, for one reason or another, at some time or another throughout our lives, will have to work.

In my view, the larger culture can sometimes make this appreciation of education’s inherent value even more difficult. Women’s worth is measured against men’s essentially only in the work vs. home dimension (do we have equal opps? equal pay? equal # of positions? etc.). We should be so grateful that the opps exist, of course…to have the chance to get an education and have professional options. But education is as an eternal principle. It’s too easy in the culturally linear way of thinking about education (education —> career) to thus think that the only way to “use” it is to be working for pay. The truth is that no education is a waste, because it can add to our life in many ways.

Sister Cook gave what sounded like a great talk on this topic recently. I have read it many times, and find her quotes really meaningful. See the summary here.

Michelle, I think you captured some important principles here. Thank you.
m&m
December 7th, 2009 @ 7:10 pm

p.s. I agree completely with people who talked about personal revelation being paramount. Each life will unfold differently, and God will guide…especially when we are flexible enough to let Him! I think we as women need that so much to manage this balance of cherishing our unique roles as women and yet being prepared for whatever God may have us do (education can help us be better instruments in God’s hands, as Sister Cook taught), or whatever life could throw at us.

But since degree ideas have floated around, I do want to add business as a degree that is often overlooked as what I think is a great degree for a woman (or a minor…can bring a practical side to any passion). It’s not just for those who want to be CEOs or high-powered execs. It’s practical and applicable to essentially every aspect of life (every organization is at some level using business principles…even a family — I have used a lot of my business training as a mom). And yet, it can be so general as to not pin someone into a specific interest or field (for some, that could be a plus — it sure was for me — has helped me be flexible).

Again, I’m NOT saying I would want to hijack anyone’s personal revelation, but in brainstorming possible fields to study, I think this is worth having on the table.
Kathryn P.
December 7th, 2009 @ 7:45 pm

m&m – thanks for that link to the summary of Sister Cook’s talk. The title “More fit for the kingdom, more used would I be” reminded me of my patriarchal blessing which stated that my many years of college education would increase my powers of usefulness to the Lord. Over thirty years later I can see how cool and true that is…
Trying
December 7th, 2009 @ 9:05 pm

I majored in family science / child development so I would be a good mom.

I happily stay at home with 5 wonderful children, with a decent income from hubby.

I CONSTANTLY wish I had majored in something else…

…something deep and expansive and enlightening while I still had the time and scholarship money.

And yes, many times I’ve wished I had the flexibility to do night or weekend nursing, mostly for job security.

————

Luckily I did do one thing right.

I just wish it had been for 6 years instead of two.

I did actually also do a masters in business, graduating the day before I finally married. Though I HATED my consulting internship, and got mediocre grades for the first time in my life, I have NEVER regretted the brand new views on the WHOLE WORLD and how it works. (Even though I don’t know when/how/if I’ll use it.)

My father didn’t teach his girls about money. Or about “shop” type things. I don’t think he ever had me use a power tool. He did both money and repairs, and he expected my husband to.

But OH BOY, as a SAHM I NEED to understand money and power toolse!!!!

We talk about teaching girls sewing and cooking. I could stand to do better at both. BUT, what would REALLY make economic sense is if we taught girls about plumbing and electrical wiring and drywall and heavy duty landscaping tools–because that’s where a little know-how would make me REALLY flexible, frugal, and useful as a stay at home mom with a HOUSE. I have to spend much more money on those types of things than I’d like to.

My family was all about liberal arts education, all the way to PhD if you wanted.

I just wish I’d learned a trade and a LOT of business skills.

(And I hope I still have time for the PhD someday–who knows in what…)

Prepare your heart and soul to be a mom (practice 24-7 on-call service.)

Prepare your brain and hands to conquer an incredibly complex, demanding, changing, and expensive world.
Beth Schofield
December 7th, 2009 @ 9:27 pm

Michelle, I enjoy everything you write. Your piercing insights and wonderful wisdom have me looking forward to each of your essays. This essay touched upon the sometimes conflicting responsibilities of work and motherhood, and I agree with so much of what you wrote. A passage that piqued my curiosity was this one: “Women have fought for centuries for the right and opportunity to have their cake and eat it too.” Can you share why you chose the “cake and eat it too” metaphor? I ask because it suggests that women who fought for equal rights were fighting for more than they deserved and trying to have it both ways.
Liz C
December 8th, 2009 @ 2:22 am

I love my role as a nurturer and Mom… but I remember calling my mother about two weeks after my first was born and saying, “MY BRAIN IS MELTING.” She reminded me that reading interesting books whilst nursing kept her from going smack out of her tiny mind. And O, the things I have read while feeding babies!

I often think that my education really began when I left school and started learning to satisfy my own cravings (rather than to get a grade.) I was on track to graduate with two bachelors degrees in four years, and left after year three. I do not expect I’ll ever go back, as I have less tolerance than ever for the “Education Industrial Complex.”

I’d give young women the same advice on careers as I would young men: never forget that a career should be a way of supporting your life, not the other way around. Ideally, find something you enjoy doing, and do it for a decent amount of pay. For our family, we’re working toward our own ideal: both parents at home full time. We’re not there yet, but we’re seeing progress with getting my husband at home, too.

I don’t feel pressure to have a side business from anyone other than myself–I have genetic entrepreneurial leanings that bleed through no matter what I’m up to, and having a side business keeps me out of trouble. I also encourage our children to develop their own small businesses, and see no reason a person has to wait until adulthood to have a thriving business mind. We actually spend a lot of time talking about interesting ways to make a living, from renovating and running a family camp “resort”, to being a specialty baker or caterer, to growing and selling herbs at a farmer’s market, to independent landscaping and botany services… and these are all equally interesting to my oldest boy *and* girl.

I absolutely do not disagree with your post. I get a little… well, dismayed is probably the best word, seeing people pressured to get X or Y degree, regardless of interest or debt load or other desires. It’s entirely possible to be a well-educated person without a college degree! There are hundreds of interesting, fulfilling job skills to explore, and youth is a great time to do it. Many can be learned without undertaking any school debt, and every experience adds to our richness and versatility.

A few things I see as absolutely indispensable to either sex, but given that the post relates to women: a girl should complete geometry classes, as they solidify the linear thinking skills needed in so many other areas; a girl should know how to establish and work within a spending plan, and understand other sound fiscal practices; a girl should know how to do useful things with her hands, including basic carpentry, gardening, automotive work, cooking/baking, sewing, etc; a girl should know how to use a library to the fullest; a girl should know how to type well and fast; a girl should understand the difference between making a living and making a life.
Darlene
December 9th, 2009 @ 5:45 pm

I’m grateful that Segullah is a place where you can express ideas like this and be supported! Hurray!