Prattler

Posted by Marintha | October 29, 2009 | 30 Comments

If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
James 1:26

“I wish you hadn’t told me those things about *Michelle,” my husband said as we drove from the Cheesecake Factory. We would meet up again with Dave and Michelle at the movie theater. Two days earlier Michelle had explained in painful detail the feud she was having with someone else in the ward as we walked through the neighborhood. I found the squabble petty and Michelle self-absorbed. So naturally I came home and related the details, and how amazingly ridiculous it all was, and Michelle’s part in it to my husband. I was delighted when he agreed with me.

“I used to think she was cool,” he said. He didn’t find our dinner conversations as much fun anymore.

“Me too,” I thought in quiet silence. I felt justified in thinking less of her when I had someone else to do it with. “I’m not a gossiper,” I lied to myself. I would never tell anyone else what she had said. I would never replay the mishaps of others to the nearest listening ear, unless that ear was my husband’s; or maybe a far away friend, someone who didn’t know her.

The truth is every time I tell a tale my own bitterness grows. I relate differently to the person in subtle, unkind ways. I am more aloof, more arrogant. I pat myself on the back, remembering how someone else agrees with me, proof that I am right, proof that I am better. Sometimes I find myself calling just-the-right-far-away-person, someone I know will take my side. Sometimes it takes two phone calls.

We often hear the story of the scattered feathers, of how gossip hurts others, while neglecting how it hurts us. Does our ability to love others with the true love of Christ in some way hinge on the way we speak of others? Does it count as gossip if it’s only to our spouse?

*Names have been changed.

Comments

30 Responses to “Prattler”

Sage
October 29th, 2009 @ 4:56 am

This is a great question. I can say that not speaking your mind about someone else’s weaknesses will change your heart. I know. My husband would always stop me when I started to relate such stories as the one you tell in this post. At first, it really made me mad that he didn’t care about my opinion or trust that I had good intentions…or whatever I thought I was justified in saying.

Now, after years of practice, I let things go. The other day, I didn’t, though…I called my sister to complain how someone should have done something for me because of their position and because of the description I had given of my problems. Then I felt it-that ugly feeling arising, growing with my recounting. I changed the way I viewed the situation, I stopped myself while talking to another sister from telling her about it.

And recently, when my fil died, I didn’t feel guilty-because two years ago I made a new year’s resolution to stop telling my friends about all the irritating things he did. Instead, I was able to see the good in him, once I had stopped focusing on the petty.

Reminds me of one of the conference talks (forget who) that talked about what people would think of Peter if they only thought of his betrayal of Christ.

Thanks for this great post. Sorry for my verbosity…
Jennie
October 29th, 2009 @ 5:00 am

I hope it doesn’t count as gossip if it’s our spouse! Because he loves a juicy story as much as I do.
jendoop
October 29th, 2009 @ 5:40 am

With my spouse… that is a difficult line to definitively draw. Usually when I discuss something regarding another person with my DH it is because I’m trying to decide my place in things – Do I need to apologize? Do I need let someone who can help know about it? Sometimes it’s just another person’s point of view in a confusing situation. For instance, recently I helped a less-active woman at church with health issues, gave her rides and etc. While doing this I noticed a lesbian pride necklace that she wore. I don’t know if it really means anything or if she just liked the way it looked. I mentioned it to my husband by way of ‘should I mention it to the bishop?’ It could be helpful to know that issue is in her life when we’re trying to bring her back to full activity.

Of course I agree that gossip isn’t helpful, but the line between what is gossip and what is ‘working things out’ isn’t always clear.

One situation in which I am especially sensitive to not gossip is in my callings, esp. in a presidency. Close relationships are integral to positive outcomes, so if I undermine those relationships by seeking out the negative in my presidency then our work is less effective. Shooting myself in the foot, as the saying goes.

Also, I usually find that when I do gossip I never go back and share how a week later the situation had a positive outcome and I feel a greater love for the person I previously gossiped about. So the person I gossiped to has a bad feeling about the person we gossiped about while, in the meantime, I have resolved those feelings.

These human relations aren’t easy!
courtney
October 29th, 2009 @ 7:16 am

This is a really interesting question– something I’ve thought a lot about. I’m sad to admit that I love gossip, and I have to work really hard to not gossip. And I’ve always felt like it didn’t matter if I just told my husband, because we’re one, right? So it doesn’t really matter? But I think sometimes when I tell my husband stories I spend more time thinking about it and I make judgments I wouldn’t make if I just kept it to myself. But I’m also the kind of person who needs to talk things out. So, I’m glad I do have a person I can talk to who won’t judge me for being judgmental and who I know won’t spread the gossip on either. Mostly, I just wish I didn’t care so much about gossip in the first place, but I just do!
elizabeth-w
October 29th, 2009 @ 7:34 am

Oh geez! I had an experience this past week with something that happened over the pulpit. I HAD to tell someone. It really was bizarre/poor taste/psychiatrically diagnostic.
I called my mother. She isn’t in my ward. I just had to get it out.
But, I know I should just let stuff go.
I know I am more likely to gossip to people who do not, will not, know the person I’m talking about. So, that mostly leaves my husband out.
Jinxie
October 29th, 2009 @ 8:41 am

What a timely post. I seem to be in the middle of a petty squabble with someone else in my ward and regardless of who said or did what, I’ve made it my goal to just let it go and eventually so will they. That hasn’t stopped me from venting my frustrations to other people in the ward, which isn’t the most Christ-like of behaviors and its definitely not “letting it go”.

I don’t have a spouse, so I really don’t know, but as I see it, if we have to talk out something to someone, the spouse (particularly if you trust them/they trust you, as you should) is an acceptable outlet.

Also, elizabeth-w, I think there is a difference between sharing something that you actually witnessed and trying to wrap your head around it than spreading something you only heard about second-hand.
Catania
October 29th, 2009 @ 8:56 am

This is a good post. Gossip is gossip. No matter if it is to our spouse, far away friend, whatever. I think it hurts us the most as it hinders our ability to have charity.

Lately I’ve been horrible with this. I never considered myself a gossip-y kind of person, but I’ve noticed how I’ve become more critical of others and then I’ll criticize people to my husband. After, no matter the justification I give myself, I feel horrible!

Recently, I came across the following quote from Douglas L. Callister,
“Refinement in speech is reflected not only in our choice of words but also in the things we talk about. There are those who always speak of themselves; they are either insecure or proud. There are those who always speak of others; they are usually boring. There are those who speak of stirring ideas, compelling books, and inspiring doctrine; these are the few who make their mark in this world. The subjects discussed in heaven are not trifling or mundane; they are sublime beyond our most extended imagination. We will feel at home there if we are rehearsed on this earth in conversing about the refined and noble, clothing our expressions in well-measured words.” (Ensign, June 2009).

I loved it because not only does he identify my problem (how boring is it to only talk about other people!!!>, but he also gives a good alternative – stirring ideas, compelling books, and inspiring doctrine (and I’ll add – great blogs!).

Anyways. thanks for the post and the food for thought.
corktree
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:01 am

Obviously Christ would never have gossiped, but He had the benefit of knowing the hearts and intentions of those around Him. I think if we are using our spouses to help us figure out confusing situations, like Jendoop said, then it isn’t really “gossip”. I guess if we were perfect we would use prayer to teach us what to do in those situations, because I agree that if we only share the ugly side of things with our husbands, they will have negative pictures of everyone we “talk” about. But for the most part, if we do it with the right intention I don’t see how it can be all bad. I struggle with this as well and don’t want to feel forbidden to talk to my husband about things that bother me and cause me frustration, but there is definitely a line.

I really wish things were just more open in general. I’ve been in the position of the person who has a difficult situation with another ward member and needs to feel that someone is supportive (because it felt like something untrue was being spread by the offending member) but I would have just rather put it all out in the open with a confrontation so that there were no whispers. And I often wonder if it should be the social duty of those who hear gossip but don’t want to spread it, to tell the person who the gossip is about what is being said. I know that could cause other problems, but it would prevent people from believing that they are safe and not harming others with what they say.

I do need to let things go more. I appreciated Sage’s description of how re-counting the offenses only makes you feel worse. It hadn’t occurred to me that I might feel better by keeping things to myself…I’ll have to give it a try.
JM
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:18 am

I really liked your description of how gossiping makes you feel right and better. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?

Gossip is a such a common flaw. We have all done it at one time or another. Except for one woman I used to work with. She was not a member of the church, yet she held to a standard we all should. She never had a bad word to say about anyone. She was like a magnet to people. Everyone loved her and knew they could confide in her. No one ever felt judged by her. She is role model for me. Someday I may get there.

Another thought is, the notion that telling someone who doesn’t know them could still come back to bite you if you are dealing with members of the church. It’s a small world that just gets much, much smaller among church members. As church members, we could probably play six degrees of separation in only three degrees.
Nani Lii Furse
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:30 am

Thank you for this thought-provoking post and the comments.
Tay
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:31 am

Gossip is such an interesting thing we do. I have some SILs that are always talking about our MIL and what it is about her that drives them up the wall. Granted, those things do drive me nuts too, but I found myself resenting her after I participated in those conversations. And that is just not right. Not everything that bothers us is entirely her fault. So I stopped participating. And as soon as I did that, she and I were able to actually get close enough that I could tell her when she was doing the things that irritate me.

Now, I still slip up plenty, but it’s been nice to know that I can actually be friends with my MIL.

When I tell my husband or my mom what’s going on with people, it’s usually to receive advice. Because I think that somehow I can fix others’ problems if I say just the right thing.
Sue
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:34 am

When I find out things I wish I didn’t know about someone else, I usually don’t tell my husband. Why visit the same information on him that I wish I weren’t privy to? Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

The exception to this would be when I really feel a need to talk myself through my thoughts or feelings in the matter and that need is strong enough in me to override my desire to allow him to maintain his unawareness. I figure that if something is really bothering me, he is my go-to guy. And I can always trust him to keep his counsel about anything i tell him, as he is close-mouthed in the extreme.

On the other hand, if someone has told me something about themselves and sworn me to secrecy, I don’t even tell my husband. Once, many years ago, a close friend broke a confidence I had shared with her, and that experience has made of me a very good secret keeper. The down side of that trait is that, once people realize you keep secrets well, they tell you more things that you don’t necessarily want to know!
Sue
October 29th, 2009 @ 9:36 am

Oy. You’re probably right, telling the husband is gossipping. Because let’s face it, most of the time when we tell our spouses, we’re doing it in the spirit of “OOooooh, guess what I just heard.” That’s gossip. Dang, and I’ve been patting myself on the back lately for not gossipping.

The good thing about NOT gossiping is that after a while, people stop passing gossip along to you(because they’ve heard that you don’t gossip, or have seen that you don’t gossip), and you don’t have to worry about telling or not telling. You don’t actually KNOW anything to tell. Which sometimes makes me feel incredibly out of the loop, but I guess that’s a small price to pay.
Kari
October 29th, 2009 @ 10:07 am

It’s so hard to love people while you’re saying negative things about them.

We all struggle with this. When you tell your husband all of the awful things your children did that day, you’re gossiping. Just because they’re youngsters doesn’t make your words righteous behavior.

I agree it’s a very fine line between talking through a personal issue with someone to try and help yourself understand it and resolve it and gossiping.

Ultimately all sin comes down to intent. What is your intent when you say those things? Are you “venting”? Are you really working through a problem? Are you saying cruel things to make yourself look and feel better or to denegrate the other person?

What I’ve found helpful in my life is to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. If I’m feeling frustrated because our five year old is being disobedient I replace that thought with a positive attribute – maybe her creativity. It’s a mental trick, but turn the situation around and look at it from a different angle. Change your paradigm. Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. And just forgive.

We aren’t helping at all by spreading that negativity around.
April
October 29th, 2009 @ 11:12 am

I am guilty of relaying just about everything to my husband. Most of the time I probably shouldn’t, but I’m so judgemental I need his input to look at situations with better eyes. He’s just so non-judgemental. He always helps me put things in better context!
I guess if I could just let it all go then I wouldn’t need to have a better outlook.
Note to self; Pray for the abillity to immediately forget things that aren’t my buisness. I need to work on that!
FoxyJ
October 29th, 2009 @ 11:32 am

I like what Kari said about intent; I don’t think that gossip is simply ‘talking about other people’. There are times and places where it is appropriate to discuss the behavior of other people, including our family members and even our children. If we’re doing it simply to feel superior or pass judgement, then we probably shouldn’t be doing it. Even if it is with our spouse. Sometimes I discuss things with him with a real intent to truly understand other people or to understand myself, but sometimes it really is just a chance to make myself feel superior or to calm my insecurities. To me, that is wrong. The point of this life is to become like Christ–we should always ask ourselves if what we are doing is really helping us become that way.
jenny
October 29th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm

I wanted to leave a comment, but SUE (#12) said it all for me.

Marintha, this was a great little post, and as usual, great timing for me.

I agree with all of it except the husband part. He just helps me work through things like no other. I don’t think I could deal with some of the things I’ve had to deal with without his listening ear and–
(even though sometimes I don’t like it the first time I hear it…)
–his sage advice.
Michelle L.
October 29th, 2009 @ 1:19 pm

Thanks for this fantastic post Marintha! Oh how often I’ve read those scriptures and wished it wasn’t so hard to live them!
Plain Jame
October 29th, 2009 @ 2:55 pm

I guess I really needed this. I’ve not put much thought into how me relaying stories to my husband might not be the best thing. He tends to see almost everything through my perspective, and pass along my same judgements to people he may normally like..
Like others have said, it’s a fine line between sharing information – and gossiping. I do have to say though, I usually get a gut feeling if I should not be sharing something. I just need to pay more attention to that gut feeling, and start calling the gut feeling the spirit.
djinn
October 29th, 2009 @ 3:02 pm

But telling stories about others is how we connect. To much of this enforced silence and what is there to discuss? How perfect we all (present company excepted) are? How great our kids are? I speak from knowledge. There has to be room for actual discussion, or there’s nothing. If I feel that you will judge me for my comments about anything that’s not totally innocuous, then where is the friendship?
mmiles
October 29th, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

Thanks for the comments.

Djinn, We can’t talk about anything else? Boring.

Catania,
Well, I don’t want to be boring! Great quote!

Kari,
I think it’s important to share with my husband what’s going on with our kids and what we need to help them work on.

I’m glad so many people find good things about sharing salacious news with their husbands. I find I’m really just trying justify myself. So, gold stars all around:P
Natasha
October 29th, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

I’m not married, so I don’t tell things to my husband, but I do tend to tell my mom or sister. Most of the time I know they will side with me- when I should have just kept my mouth shut to begin with and not told anyone. I do tend to gossip to make myself feel better and I need to work on watching what I say, it does come back to haunt.
mmiles
October 29th, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

Natasha,
Aren’t sisters the best? They always back you up. Enablers, that’s what they are.
m&m
October 29th, 2009 @ 4:09 pm

Thought-provoking post.

Like someone else said, I think if I’m honest with myself, I know and feel in my heart when I’m crossing that line. And I need to be better about really, really listening to the Spirit.

I am a vocal-sorter-outer, but I wonder — what if I sorted out more with God directly, rather than thinking I have to do that w/ a human being?

There is a flip side to this, I think — there are times when I think it’s appropriate and even sometimes necessary to talk about what’s going on, which may include ‘talking about’ other people. That ‘sharing information’ thing. But how often is that really necessary? I dunno. Mulling over that one.
teki
October 29th, 2009 @ 8:29 pm

I must be weird, because I just don’t find pleasure in gossiping- don’t worry I have plenty of other things to work on! Maybe I’ve seen too many bad results from gossiping or maybe being a Bishop’s wife I decided that I never wanted to be one of “those” kinds of Bishop’s wife- we’ve all known them…gossipy, untrustworthy, pot-stirring…no thanks!

When I feel the need to share “information” about someone, I really do try to stop and ask myself:
1. Is it true? (second-hand info doesn’t count)
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it helpful?
4. Would I say it if the person were standing in front of me?
If I can answer all four with a “yes”, then I feel comfortable sharing information. I’ve kept myself out of trouble this way
teki
October 29th, 2009 @ 8:31 pm

please excuse the garbled grammar at the end of the first paragraph- I’ll blame it on the cold meds :/
Melissa M.
October 29th, 2009 @ 10:42 pm

Marintha, thank you for this post! I struggle with this one. When I hear a piece of gossip, I can’t wait to tell my husband. And my sister. So I guess I need to work on this. Like some of the other commenters have said above, I do know that the more I vent about someone to someone else, the more dislike I feel for that person I’m venting about, and the more unkind I feel. Not good.
jendoop
October 30th, 2009 @ 7:04 am

I’m having some difficulty with the words we are using- what exactly Is gossip? When you say something must be kind, what do you mean by kind? My son didn’t think I was kind to send him to his room for disobedience. And the qualifier of saying it only if you want the other person to hear doesn’t always apply either. I know my Dad wouldn’t like to hear me say I’m trying to reactivate him, but it’s true, and it’s not gossip when my husband and I are discussing how to go about it.

It is good to try to break the habit of gossiping but what if we go about it in a different way? What if we make it a goal to increase our love for others? Then our conversation would change too, without going to the extreme of removing all talk of people out of our conversations. I want to know when someone I visit teach hasn’t been to church in two weeks, I want to tell my friends that my daughter has been working hard and brought up her grades.
Marintha
October 30th, 2009 @ 8:34 am

Jendoop,
IMO, what you are describing isn’t gossip at all. Gossip is passing on stories of other people’s failings and saying unkind things, condemning them and making fun of them. At least that’s how I see it. I’m sure others see it differently.
Kay
October 30th, 2009 @ 12:59 pm

I try not to gossip, and hope I am not seen as one. However my 12 year old daughter recently drecribed me as one. I didn’t think I did, maybe it is something I have to work on though. Are we aware of how we say things, with tone etc which can give different impressions from what we mean. Telling my husband things is counterproductive, he looks at me in a certain way which says he doesn’t want to hear it, sometimes maybe I think I am passing on information but maybe it is gossip. Where do you draw the line?