Quitting

Posted by Michelle L. | November 13, 2009 | 20 Comments

I’m a quitter at heart.

That might surprise you, coming from a woman who’s run 19 marathons and birthed six children. But in every race there was a moment when I wanted to jump in the sag wagon and during every pregnancy there was a time when I wanted to jump out a window.

And now, when the kids are fighting and the kitchen’s a mess and my husband’s annoyed with something, I have to fight the urge to flee, to run away, to quit.

Please take a few minutes and read Heather Oman’s Breathing from Segullah’s Summer Issue: Gifts of the Spirit.

Heather is a brilliant writer and in Breathing she describes her experience as caretaker to two quadriplegic boys. Her schedule is exhausting; the tasks messy and difficult. Yet, when her employer expresses concern that she might quit she almost wanted to laugh. “This was the one time in my life when I knew I was exactly where the Lord wanted me to be. And when you know something like that, you don’t just quit because you’re sleepy.”

And that’s exactly why I don’t quit at mothering, my marriage, my calling, Segullah– those are the few places where I know I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be.

Quitting DOES have it’s place. I have withdrawn from marathons because of injury, I have sold and shut down businesses because of the time cost to my family. One son begged to quit the violin and I made him keep going; but I let my little cellist quit in favor of the piano. Even Heather had to eventually quit her caretaking job after 18 months to go on to the next phase of her life.

How do you know when to quit? To persevere? Is there something you regret quitting? Have you had experiences where you wanted to run away but were blessed for staying?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

20 Responses to “Quitting”

marintha
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:04 am

I’m not sure which is more impressive, 6 kids or 19 marathons! Holy Moly!
Michelle L.
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:15 am

the kids are definitely harder. a marathon is a walk in the park compared to the Sunday morning race to church.
Melissa
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:35 am

I believe that church callings are inspired. I was shocked when my bishop asked me to be the Young Women’s President in our ward. I felt surely he was misguided. But I took the calling. After 18 months of full time work, a full load and school and a struggling marriage all juggled with the calling, the strain began to become more intense. When I looked at my priority list, my husband was around #7. I felt sure that the Lord did not want my marriage to suffer. I was so close to finishing school that I needed to keep going and I couldn’t quit my job because we needed to pay our rent. I decided to ask to be released. I have never done that before, but I knew that my marriage needed my attention and that I wasn’t supposed to sacrifice that for my calling. It was the right decision.

Subsequently I served in a Primary position for around 18 month when I found myself feeling glum. I loved the teaching part of it, but I really wanted a change in calling. It had become boring, but I knew it wasn’t my timetable. One day, I recommitted to the calling deciding that my one student that year would get all the energy I would give a full class. Recommitting made me happy and my outlook was much brighter. Three weeks later I was called to serve as 2nd counselor in the Primary program. I could completely see that the problem was with me and my attitude.

I try to measure the other areas of my life like this. Is it because of my attitude that I want to quit? Or is it causing an unhealthy strain on my family? I can usually see which is which and make a decision based on that. I know that the Spirit is near and helps with these decisions on a regular basis.
Sarah in Georgia
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:35 am

In some things, I’ve struggled more with knowing when to quit. I was once in a job situation that left me so depressed I would cry on Friday after work because I knew I had to go to work on Monday. A very kind branch president finally helped me see that I could leave the situation without without being a failure or a quitter.

I still find that I often look for outside permission before I quit many things. My challenge lies more in not starting something that I fear I may not be good at, or may want to quit, rather than quitting while I’m in.

(I hope that wasn’t too much of a thread-jack …)
Tay
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:55 am

You know you gotta quit when your spouse isn’t second (behind God) and you are not physically, emotionally, and/or mentally capable to do everything you need to. There are times when I look at the life of a particular friend and wonder when she’s going to crack because of everything she’s loaded on to her plate. You know, sometimes it just gets to that point. I got to that point once and luckily realized that it would be ok to drop some things.

Quitting is hard, especially when we’re in a community of perfectionists.
April
November 13th, 2009 @ 12:28 pm

I enjoyed your post. As one who professes to fleeing instead of fighting. I often have the desire to quit also. Lately I struggle as the Primary President. We are in a small branch and our Primary is pretty big. From Monday to Thursday I practice my speech I’m going to give to the Branch President of why I just can’t do it anymore. Somehow I change my mind every Friday!
Blue
November 13th, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

i have stopped before finishing so many big things in my life that it’s actually somewhat demoralizing. so i try to focus on the things i haven’t given up on. but i was intrigued by the “failure resume” concept mentioned yesterday, because there are a lot more lessons learned by quitting or failing at something than you might think. for example, i dropped out of high school, and in doing so i finally started to thrive for the first time in my life. i don’t know if i would have made it if i hadn’t gotten out of that environment. i didn’t have much support (in fact, my bishop laid into me, telling me i was setting a poor example for all the youth in the church, which would be on my head), but i had to follow my heart on that one. i enrolled in Jr college right away, which was the best choice i could have made. the people were so much more supportive, and life started to turn around. but i’ve never quite gotten over the “high school dropout” failure mentality in my head. i did take a test a year later to grant me a legal diploma, but it didn’t feel the same.

that was just the first thing i quit. or maybe “didn’t finish” is a kinder way of phrasing it. quitting has such a negative connotation…when in fact by stopping one thing, we are making a choice for another. when you stop running a race michelle, you’re choosing to put your body’s needs at the moment above the desire to complete a race. which is wisdom.

quitting a job, degree program, marriage, calling, pursuit, hobby. all these have potential to make us feel like a failure, or that we are “giving up”. but our alternative choices in most cases prove that we’ve just had a shift in needs or priorities in our lives…not an altogether bad thing imho.

♥
martha
November 13th, 2009 @ 1:42 pm

Oh Michelle, I’m a quitter at heart as well.

The first 6 months of my mission it took all I had not to quit. The last year I served was incredible and the mission ultimately and beautifully changed my life forever.

The first year serving as the YW president I would regularly tell my husband I was going to quit the church. These last 3 months of serving as the president have been so precious.

And of course, I think of running away from being a mother at least once a week, but there are sacred moments that see me through. And you are right, it’s because I know that the Lord knows that I know. He is a persuasive cheerleader. There is no Rocky music, but there is a strength from the spirit that cannot be replicated by worldly incentives. How can I quit when He knows that I am capable?
Velska
November 13th, 2009 @ 1:48 pm

I guess it’s like courage. Courage is not absence of fear, but overcoming it.

Likewise, perseverance is not the absence of wanting to get out, but sticking up despite feeling like quitting.

But I guess that wasn’t really your point…
Karen M.
November 13th, 2009 @ 1:51 pm

I’ve been thinking about this as I’ve been preparing to return to school (just one class, but still). Every time I have to do something about school (registering, taking entrance exams, etc.) I just want to say “Forget it, I have no idea what I’m doing here. How can I take time away from my family when we have so little of it as it is?” But I really, really feel like it’s time for me to do this and, as my husband keeps reminding me, it is going to be a sacrifice, but sacrifices are worthwhile. I know the times I have decided not to quit I’ve been amazed at what I’m able to accomplish.
Michelle L.
November 13th, 2009 @ 2:04 pm

Thank you for your comments. As always— the best part of Segullah is the intelligent and intuitive conversation in the comments.

I love your two stories Melissa– one where you needed to quit and one where you needed to persevere. And I loved Tay’s point that when your spouse gets shoved to the bottom of the list things need to change.

And Velska– that really was my point, “Perseverance is not the absence of wanting to get out, but sticking up despite feeling like quitting.” I am just amazed that I do.

And Karen, you go girl! Get those forms done and get back to school.

Really, in all of our situations isn’t is just about following the spirit and making the decisions that are best for us?
traci
November 13th, 2009 @ 2:51 pm

This post made me think of my mom, her mom and my 2 great grandmothers – even tho my handicap is not as extensive, they did so much to ensure me a life, a good life, a full life!
No one thot of quitting – i didn’t even know that was an option when things go hard. Remembering – Lazarus Dept store with my grandmother – riding up and down esculators until i could do without hesitation – ALL DAY! – so i could do it like other people.

My mother’s famous phrase that still does me well in life – Get the hell over yourself!

A husband who came in, with having to play his 1st rodeo w/ me w/ 2 surgeries 100 miles away when we had just started dating. I thot of asking my cousin to drive me to the appt – him saying – I’m your man and that’s my job.

Quitters – i don’t think any of us are – sometimes we just know when to Change.
Catania
November 13th, 2009 @ 4:20 pm

Love the post…There are times when I’ve begged to “quit.” But then the following scripture comes to mind, “Blessed art thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people. And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine cown life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments.” (Helaman 10:4).

So…I decide not to quit…and wonder how Nephi didn’t get weary.

Then, there are times when, even though I want to keep going, the Spirit reminds me of King Benjamin’s words: “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.” (Mosiah 4:27).

And then I realize that I need to do things in order and with strength.

Thanks for the post. Sometimes it is so hard to stop ourselves from quitting. Sometimes it is equally hard to refrain from “bleeding” ourselves because we’re doing so much. Either way, I guess the thing we need to do is follow the spirit. (funny how that’s the answer to so many problems!)
Loralee
November 13th, 2009 @ 8:51 pm

I remember when I was called to be the Primary President. We were in a new area, in a newly-formed ward, and my only previous experience in Primary was as the pianist. I actually giggled when the Bishop extended the calling. That might seem somewhat disrespectful or sacreligious, unless you understand that the Bishop and his wife were good friends of ours. I said “Are you sure? I have never done anything like that before.” And all he said in reply was “Oh yes, we are sure”. Somehow those simple words lifted me up and gave me courage. But as soon as I stepped outside his office, I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed. How was I going to be able to do this? My 4th baby was a toddler, and my husband and I were trying to get a new business off the ground.
But as I prayed and pondered on how in the world I could fulfill this calling to serve these children, I was prompted by the Holy Ghost in two ways: to pick 2 accomplished women with strong testimonies to be my counselors; and to draw on the experiences I’d had as a primary pianist. I what way did I do that? Our prior wards had always had wonderful, spiritual, and accomplished women in the primary. I had been given the opportunity during those years to watch and absorb each week all of the ways that they served in their callings. I drew so much from that as I struggled to fulfill my calling. There were many times that I wanted to give up. But with the support and love of my counselors and the example of those previous sisters, I learned and grew in the Gospel. I am glad for that experience, and at this time as I serve again as a primary counselor, I know that my Heavenly Father has given me these experiences to not only serve others, but to help me learn and grow.
Paula
November 13th, 2009 @ 11:29 pm

I start but don’t always finish home improvement projects! Every project takes twice as long and uses up twice as much money.

I was pregnant with #4 as RS president. I thought for sure I’d get released. I didn’t. I gave birth to #4 and didn’t get released. I was so tired all the time, but it wasn’t until my baby was 6 months old that I was finally released. The last big task I tackled as RS president was a funeral for a baby in our ward who lived for two hours. That experience was a highlight for me spiritually, really changed who I am. It helps me when I look back on how busy I was as RS pres. bercause there are so many ways I think I fell short in that calling. I was happy to end on that note and be the Lord’s hands in a small, but significant way. I would have missed out on a beautiful experience if I had quit.
Melissa M.
November 14th, 2009 @ 11:57 am

I once asked to be released from one of my church callings (I had two at the time) when I was struggling with depression and had so much else going on in my life. The bishop was grateful that I’d made him aware of my circumstances. It was hard, though, to ask to be released and I only did so after counseling with my therapist and engaging in much prayer. But I learned that I am not Superwoman and sometimes I just have to let some things go. These days, I am trying to learn how to prioritize better, but I still have a long way to go.

Thanks for this post, Michelle!
Carol
November 14th, 2009 @ 3:16 pm

I’m a fairly persistent person. I completed a bachelor’s master’s degree in 4 1/2 years–even though I had health challenges and was grieving the loss of my dad.

However, there are several times when the Spirit has guided me to quit. I gave up a promising career to stay home with a child, who struggled with some serious health challenges and sustained my husband as he served in four bishoprics and as bishop while I was raising a family of young children.

When my husband was serving in 4 time-demanding Church callings simultaneously, including stake executive secretary, and I was also serving as Stake Relief Society president, I knew that my children needed me to spend more time at home. I told the stake president about the matter, and he released me after I had served two years.

Our Church leaders need to know about our health and family challenges. Although our callings may be inspired, our health or family circumstances may change and we may need a less demanding calling.

I am so impressed with Melissa’s comment and second everything she said.
Tiffany
November 14th, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

This was a great post. I really appreciated it. I am also a quitter at heart. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought I couldn’t continue with whatever I was doing. I’ve had times when I’ve been able to quit gracefully and not feel guilty. Other times, I’ve been strengthened to persevere.

Of course, at the moment the thing that comes to mind is about labor. I just had my 5th baby a couple of weeks ago. There is always a point in labor, usually when I’m in transition and there is no break between contractions, that I desperately want to quit. Unfortunately, nothing is stopping the process and I have to continue. In the end, I somehow manage to make it through.
Jennie
November 14th, 2009 @ 4:32 pm

You? A quitter? I don’t believe it a bit.
Linn
November 17th, 2009 @ 8:31 am

I can’t imagine you a quitter Michelle. Thank you for this post.

You know, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult with my calling as RS president. Extremely difficult. I’ve honestly wanted to quit and walk away. I’ve rationalized that someone else can do this better and with more love. I’ve worried about the cost to my children and husband. But in a quiet moment when I wasn’t trying to justify my quitting, I remembered I told the Lord I would do this. I have a hard time thinking of standing before my Savior in a coming day and trying to explain to Him, who literally gave His life for mine, that it was too hard. That I was weary and tired and frustrated. That everyone didn’t always play fair. Somehow, that picture in my mind was difficult and embarrassing to imagine.

But in an appropriate way, I decided there were “parts” I could quit. I could control more the time I was giving and especially control the times during the day when I would be RS president. I decided then and there that specific times (minus absolute emergencies) during the day were off limits–family only. I also decided that I could “quit” getting frustrated over silly things. That I could “quit” worrying about things I couldn’t change. That I could “quit” being completely weighed down by the sorrows of others. Not that I wouldn’t feel them, but not let it go too far as I often do. I also decided that I would “quit” any type of overtime during the holiday season. From last Friday until January 2nd, my focus will be on my sweet husband and my children. I will still be RS president. I will still love the sisters (and boy do I!). I will still serve them. But family first and always–especially this holiday season.

In this way, I am thrilled to be a QUITTER!