The last Sunday in November, a woman, new to our ward, shared this story in our sacrament meeting. I retell it with her permission.
When she was eight years old, her single mother (age thirty) moved their young family from California to Salt Lake City. It was late autumn and the weatherman was predicting a record snowfall by morning. She and her three brothers were giddy with anticipation. They’d never seen snow before. But her mother was slightly concerned. She had a new job to report to in the morning and they were ill-prepared. She needed a snow shovel if she was going to clear the driveway and report to work on time. While putting her children to bed that night she told them not to worry if they woke and she wasn’t home; she had gone to the store to buy a shovel and would be back soon.
The next morning she woke an hour earlier than usual and looked out the window to find fresh snow stacked more than a foot deep. Quickly, she grabbed her coat and left to buy a shovel. As she stepped outside she came to a sudden halt. The driveway and walks had been shoveled clean, long before she had stirred from sleep. Looking around she saw no one. No clue as to who had done this kindness.
Winter came to the mountain city with more storms and more snow. But each night it snowed, her mother would wake to find her driveway and walks magically shoveled. The family couldn’t figure out who was behind this secret service, and as Christmas approached, her younger brother was sure it was Santa’s band of industrious elves. Who else could work that fast that early in the morning?
One evening, after another snowfall, they pulled up to their house to find the man that lived across the street and his two teenage boys clearing a path to their front door.
The woman who told this story (and now has children of her own) said this service continued for years and meant a great deal to her mother. During a difficult time of adjusting to a husbandless, working life in a new city, this service eased her mother’s burden, made her feel known. They never did buy a snow shovel, and later they learned that the father across the street had grown up as one of seven children to a single mother. He made special efforts to attend to several single women in his neighborhood.
His service was a gift of self – given for the price of his time. But what stayed with me is that he did it wanting no recognition. He did it in secret so her family would not feel indebted to him. And he passed that same kind of quiet compassion onto his boys, as they silently shoveled alongside him.
All month long, I’ve considered the Lord’s words from his sermon on the mount.
When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly (Matthew 6: 3-4).
Last week I put on my running shoes, a black hat, and a black coat, in preparation to make an anonymous delivery. My breath hung in the air and my spine tingled with heightened attention as I scanned the curtained windows and placed our needed gift on a doorstep. Ringing the doorbell, I leapt off the front porch and hit the pavement, sprinting. As I rounded the corner, a smile spread wide on my lips. It was a rush I hadn’t felt in a while. One that reminded me of all the years my parents chose a family to whom we would do “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”
Somehow, on some of the busiest days of the year with six children underfoot, my mother managed to prepare a homemade treat and wrap a thoughtful gift for us to deliver. Those nights of crouching in the bushes with my brother and sisters, waiting for the perfect moment to place our treat on a doorstep, live bright and sparkling in my memory.
There is a reason the Lord asks us to do our alms in secret. It purifies our giving. At first glance it leaves us empty-handed, walking away with nothing. But the secret of it goes deeper than anonymity. Instead of a friend’s praise, a neighbor’s thank-you, or our name on a list of notable donors, something more precious is placed in our hands. A heavenly reward that can fill us with that which only God knows we need. Maybe these are the treasures He wants us to lay up for ourselves. The intangible but lasting rewards that fill us to overflowing and lighten the darkened corners of our souls.
Have you been the recipient of secret alms? Why do you think the Lord wants us to give anonymously? How has giving in secret filled you?
Oh, man, Cath, way to make me feel guilty that I forgot to begin our 12 days of Christmas this year. 🙂
Actually, this story reminded me why I've made sure we do the 12 days every year (except this one……). I want my children to remember the thrill in their chests you describe, to feel the joy of giving, to have the fun memories of hiding behind a porch, of trudging through a snowfilled backyard so they're not spotted. We pray about which families to choose together during a family night early in the month. It's a wonderful tradition for us. (And dang it, I blew it! Oh well…)
One year while we were still in college, a week after a miscarriage, someone did the 12 days of Christmas for us. It remains a cherished memory for me: to know I was loved and that my pain was recognized was a particularly tender service that year.
Tonight I picked up a group of 14 and 15 year old boys after a movie. Earlier in the evening, their quorum had gone shopping for a single mother and her two daughters and dropped the presents secretly on their doorstep. Even hours later, they were talking about the presents and food they chose (especially the cotton candy machine) and were anxious to see if the gifts had been found. I love secret gifts…(and 14 and 15 year old boys doing good are pretty wonderful, too.)
Thanks for that wonderful story.
One year when my family was having a rough time, we apparently made it on the bishop's list of people who needed help. But we got so much more than we needed that we were able to pass a lot of what we received on to other neighbors and friends. It was anonymous on all sides. I appreciated the help so we could get something fun for my boys who were starting one of the most difficult years of their lives, but they were also able to share because we'd gotten more than we needed.
But the time I'll remember most was the second Christmas we were married. We didn't have money for a Christmas tree which made me very sad. We'd added up the amount we'd need for a tree and a stand and when we went to church the next day, the Relief Society President handed me an envelope from a member of the ward with "For Christmas Tree" written on the outside with the exact amount we needed to buy a tree and a stand. I've never forgotten that first tree and every year when we put up a tree, I think of that one.
While I think there is a time and place for non-anonymous giving, I think secret alms are usually the best way to go on both sides. I've appreciated being on both ends.
Whether its the 12 Days of Christmas or any other time of giving, do we all remember Elder Neal A. Maxwell's words of caution? To paraphrase "In giving service, how many of us wait around, hoping for a receipt?"
In other words, recognition or praise? When its service that can't be given anonymously, then it should be given as privately as possible, with the ideal that in the private times of giving, none are aware but the giver and the recipient. But when possible,
anonymity is the service of choice.
thanks Catherine. I love this reminder right now. It's about this time every year where I go about loudly slamming things into place for Christmas so that my family will take note of the sacrifices I'm making to make Christmas nice. Why can't I give my alms to them in secret.
As I sang "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem" last sunday I broke up on the line, 'how silently, how silently the precious gift was given.' God gave his most precious gift pretty much in secret too. I'm hoping to give more of my everyday gifts more secretly, with less grumbling, with less need of attention. I know when I do I am rewarded openly.
We have been very, very blessed this past year, in a time when a lot of people are struggling. To try to give some of this back, I donate every time I'm asked or see a need. I donate at the checkout stand, at the bell ringers, with the envelope the food bank sends me in the mail…. I do them all.
This year I decided to get the kids in on this spirit of giving. We learned of a family of seven that was in need and did their entire Christmas. The kids helped plan, shop and wrap. Then the junior high was doing an "Angel Tree" with United Way. They had two days left to get all the names picked off the tree but there were still so many left that needed presents. I told my daughter to bring home all the names still on the tree and that night, we got Christmas presents for a lot of needy children in our community. It was an amazing experience.
The other night we were sitting in the dark by our tree, looking at the lights, when my daughter said "You know Mom, this year we brought Christmas to more people outside our family than in it!" And you know, she was right.
On Christmas morning we won't have any of those kids and families sending thank you notes or cards, and we don't want or need that thanks. We already feel the rewards of that service in our hearts.
In the first few years after my father passed away, my family was on the receiving end of lots of anonymous Christmas gifts. I still remember the gifts I received at seven and eight years old–a nice church dress, a brightly-colored sweater, my first paperback books. My ward had a lot of affluent families, and I loved that they gave without wanting recognition or thanks–it made the gifts so much sweeter. And then, I can't tell you how good it feels to be able, as an adult, to be on the giving end of these arrangements now!
When my husband and I were first married (and both students), we were dirt poor. Actually, we were poorer than dirt. 😉 Our first Christmas, a few months after we got married, was spent in the hospital – it wasn't an emergency, and for various reasons we had actually chosen to schedule the two-week admission to fall over the Christmas holiday – but still, obviously, a different "first Christmas" than most couples experience. The night we got home from the hospital (which was a 4 hour drive from our apartment) we knew that we didn't have any food in our house and so stopped to buy a quick fast-food meal so we would actually have dinner that night. To our shock, as we walked into our apartment, we found the kitchen FILLED with food. Hundreds of dollars worth of groceries covered our table, our counters, and filled our fridge and freezer. There were even two extra presents under our dinky little artificial tree that had not been there when we left (they turned out to be some beautiful sweaters for me and some much-needed work pants for my husband).
It was overwhelmingly amazing. We both felt such an enormous sense of gratitude and a reassurance that we were loved and not forgotten. I will admit that I had mixed feelings about the anonymity of the gift; it was a such a huge thing that we REALLY wanted to thank somebody for it! To this day (three years later), nobody has 'fessed up to the deed, though we are both fairly certain we know who was responsible. We still refer back to the "food fairy" and how wonderful it was the first year.
The best part was that there really was more food than we would ever need for just the two of us, so we were able to talk to the bishop and find another couple in our ward who was struggling and then anonymously donate some of the food to them. Since that year, we have always set aside a large amount of our Christmas money to give to families (or causes) we know that have a particular need. Our donations aren't huge (by the standards of the world), so we really try to make sure that we are giving them in a direction where they will be able to make a lot of difference. Our gifts are typically anonymous as long as it makes sense for the situation. It's by far one of our favorite Christmas traditions.
You made me cry! I felt old this year when I dropped off a box and had to run. Good old, but it used to be easier to dash away secretly. There's nothing better.
We once received an anonymous box of food which we actually did not need. We were not offended, but it was kind of comical. Earlier that day we had hosted another couple from our BYU married ward to dinner. Well, I had kind of forgot we were having company and had not gotten to the grocery store, so dinner was not what I would have normally prepared for company. I had apologized on behalf of the food and mentioned that there was not much in the cupboards (I thought I had adequately implied that it was because I had not gone shopping!!!) Later that evening a mysterious box of groceries appeared outside our front door. Hmmmm, gee, I wonder who it could have been from? In reality, we were probably better off financially than most of the families in that ward since my dh was working full-time, whereas most of the other men were in school.
We gave the food anonymously to another family we'd heard were struggling… but even as we did so we felt kind of weird, wondering if we too were misjudging the situation of someone else when we didn't know all the facts.
Kerri – you've had quite the year. You are taking care of others all the time in important ways. And I think its wonderful you have the "12 days" as a tradition in your family. Next year will be here before you know it. Thanks for giving us a peek into your evening. I couldn't agree more, seeing 14 and 15 year old boys excited over their bundle of secret gifts, would be a delightful thing. So glad you got to be a part of it. Love to you this Christmas.
Amira – your "For Christmas Tree" story has me all choked up. It's beautiful when someone or a group of someones can meet our needs in such a perfect way. I also love the idea here of only taking what you need and sharing the extra with others. Cindy and eljee spoke to this too. I also want to point out that I too believe there is a place for non-anonymous giving. Gifts can strengthen and deepen relationships, be all the more meaningful when we know who they are from. But there is a purity in secret giving that opens the heavens in a different way. I loved your story and insights.
Sharon – this is wonderfully appropriate. Thank you for adding Elder Maxwell's words to this post. “In giving service, how many of us wait around, hoping for a receipt?” I also appreciated this phrase: "as privately as possible" – I will be remembering that one.
Saydi – so much in your comment. Secret alms to the families we serve – now that is one of the harder things to do. To do it wanting no recognition – giving freely with no acknowledgement. It's not easy to get our hearts to that place. I struggle there too. But your insight here about the Savior coming "secretly" and "silently" is so haltingly beautiful. Thank you for bringing it to the discussion. I will be thinking of it for the next few days as I serve my family and try to share my gifts in silence. "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem" remains one of my favorite Christmas hymns. I love it all the more now. Thank you dear friend.
jen – what a gift you have given your children this year. Bringing them into that awareness of giving and making Christmas something special for others. What more could you want them to have this Christmas? I appreciate your comment. So inspiring. And your daughter's observation: "this year we brought Christmas to more people outside our family than in it!” made me tear up. Thank you.
anon – how special to be able to see this principle from both ends. To have received (and for it to have meant so much to you) – and now to give. Thank you.
Cindy – I am tearful reading all these stories. Yours is especially tender. All of these personal anecdotes speak so profoundly to what Spencer Kimball said – that "God does notice us and He watches over us. But it is usually through another mortal that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other." And I love that your "food fairy" has refused to fess up. Truly secret alms.
eliana – I hear you. I'm not as spry as I was when I was ten. Leaping off the porch was a little scary. 😉
eljee – what a funny story – and an interesting twist to this idea. Despite the misunderstanding, I guess you can't fault their intent. I love that you handled it by finding someone else who could really use the box of food. A good reminder to us to "know all the facts" first. But even then, when a gift is given with pure intent, in a way, it's never really wasted. Thanks for your great story.
I have given and am now on the other side as the receiver. We have dropped off food to a large family in which the dad had been out of work, to extended family with so little, to a parent who lost their job, and on it goes.
This year has been painfully difficult for me personally and I have been the recipient of many anonymous (and some not) blessings. My cup is full this season.
As an aside, when I have been the giver and the story has come out, I have heard members make snide remarks about enabling those needy members (there were no addictions or misuse, just hard times). Though affluent, they have witheld their help stating that they paid tithing and fast offerings which was their contribution. That just doesn't make sense to me and I wonder if I'm the only one to have heard such things.
This is the first Christmas since my wife died, my first in 25 years without her. I have a Secret Santa who is leaving me some kind of treat every night on my doorstep. I know who it is–one of my wife's best friends and her twin 6-year-old boys. The mom knows that I know, but the boys do not. I am playing along, since I know how much the boys adored my wife, and how much fun they are having ringing the doorbell and then running away as fast as they can.
There have been some days as I mourn my wife during a holiday season she loved that the only think keeping me going is knowing that Secret Santa and his elves remember me and are reminding me that Christmas is about love, even when I am alone.
Oh anon – that makes no sense to me either. I am reminded of King Benjamin's words in Mosiah 4: "Are we not all beggars?" And then he says this:
"If ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life belongeth…
And again, I say unto the poor… I mean all you who deny the beggar, because ye have not; I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give."
If I had I would give. I think that sums up what the Lord expects of us. No judgement, but to give as generously we are able.
And I am so happy for you that your cup is full and you have been the recipient of such thoughtful support and service during a difficult time. Blessings this Christmas.
CS Eric – I am literally weeping over your comment and story. What a tender, tender service. How those boys must be growing in love for you, and your dear wife. My deepest condolences to you. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I have no doubt it will be a gift to many who read your words. God's sweet comfort to you this Christmas.
Thank you for sharing these stories. Secret giving is my very favorite thing — and not just at Christmas!
I am fortunate that in my growing up years I had a father who gave unstintingly, though we were not wealthy by ant standard. We didn't find out just how generously until he died (at a very young 50 years old). People came up to us at the funeral to tell us of quiet kindnesses, money, and service he offered than we, his family, knew nothing of. Frequently they hadn't known either, for years. He sent at least 3 young men on missions that could not have gone otherwise – instructing the Bishop not to tell them. He delivered a fresh tank (he owned a soft water business) to two elderly sisters every two weeks and stayed to visit, because he knew they were lonely. He wrote encouraging notes to his major competitor when divorce took his children. There were dozens more stories – most of them we had never heard.
It is not just for Christmas – but it is a great time to start.
I would like to tell a story of our giving, not to glorify me, but because it was so satisfying. We lived next to a little widow in Provo who walked to her temple assignment every day. In cold weather she wore a skimpy looking jacket. My daughters and I went shopping and found the most beautiful dark blue coat and a beautiful silver pin for the coat. We left the gift on her doorstep. She looked so pretty in that blue coat with her silver hair. You could tell she loved it.
Oh, Eljee! I have a similar story! I'm originally from southern California, and growing up never owned (nor needed) a winter coat. I went to school at BYU, and by late fall, my jackets and sweaters weren't cutting it. But I procrastinated and kept layering because I HATE shopping. I mean, I was going to get to it, it just hadn't yet bothered me enough to force me to spend precious free time at the mall. Anyway, a classmate chided me for not wearing a real coat, and I confessed I didn't have one. Apparently I didn't make it very clear that this was due to a lack of shopping and not a lack of funds, because that very weekend I found a warm winter coat dropped "anonymously" on my doorstep. I fully confess to being a little bit mortified, but after some deliberation decided to keep the coat and pay the kindness forward. I'm so glad there are such thoughtful people in the world!
CS Eric: So sorry for your loss. Bless you for going along with the children–learning that it's more blessed to give than to receive requires that someone be a receiver. How kind of you to play that role for these young ones.
Heidi and Jane G – "not just at Christmas" – agree whole-heartedly.
And Jane – "He wrote encouraging notes to his major competitor when divorce took his children." Wow. That is charity. What a sweet tribute to your father. And how touching to have those stories filter down to you. Merry Christmas!
Kris – what a heart-warming image. I can just see it. "She looked so pretty in that blue coat with her silver hair." Your anecdote is inspiring and glorifies the goodness God placed in each of His children. I love your story. Thank you.
Laura – I second your words to CS Eric and I love that in your own story you too made the choice to be a "receiver" (so someone else could experience the joy of giving to you). And how wise to do it with the intent to simply pay it forward. Thank you for sharing.
After quoting from Mosiah 4 earlier, I noticed a homeless man holding a sign, begging for spare change as I idled at a stoplight, waiting to turn left. "Anything will help" he had written on his cardboard sign. I could not help myself. I thought of King Benjamin's words and my heart flew open to him. I fished around in my purse for a dollar bill and rolled down my window. He came right up and thanked me graciously, with true gratitude in his eyes. We exchanged "Merry Christmases" and I drove on. But something wonderful happened to me as I drove away. I knew my small bit of money would do very little for him, but it allowed me to see him as a person of great worth. And for a few seconds our souls connected in a surprisingly intimate way. I felt those subtle, shadowed places in my spirit crack with light. God's laws and teachings are always for our own progression and learning. I'm so grateful for the discussion here today. I wouldn't have had this tender exchange on a street corner (one that made my day) if it hadn't been for all of your thoughts. Thank you.
I love, love, love secret giving! I also love giving a good gift. I love the thought and the work that goes into something you really hope can be used or loved. With those two thoughts in mind, I do find that I wish I could be a fly on the wall just to see their faces. I'm not looking for a thank you (I like the Neil Maxwell quote) and it is simply wonderful to do something good. I do, however, think it would be the extra bit of whipped cream in the hot cocoa to get to see the tear or the twinkle in an eye.
Catherine, this post is just beautiful. I really appreciate the discussion that has followed.
CS Eric, so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom the depth of your grief. The story of you and your neighbor will stay with me.
Saydi, thank you for your insights into "O Little Town of Bethlehem". I've never thought about the words that way.
Cath, you have such a gift for storytelling. I love the phrase you used: "lighten the darkened corners of our souls". Your writing is such a gift to the world.
My husband has often told me of the one year a secret Santa stopped by his family's house when he was a child. His family was in a tough financial situation one Christmas. One night, the doorbell rang, and the family opened the door to find a Christmas tree on their doorstep. Tied to the branches were 100 one-dollar bills. My husband still gets choked up when he tells me about it, even though it has now been almost 30 years since the event.
Thank you for these beautiful thoughts you shared, Cath. Wishing you the merriest of Christmases, dear friend!
Thanks for the post and the comments. I really liked Laura's post about paying it forward. Sometimes that is the best thing we can do when on the receiving end…to try to find a time to help another at another time.
CS Eric, what a tender comment. I'm so sorry for your loss, and am so moved by your gracious receiving of this gift of love by your young friends.
Thank you for sharing about the purifying effects of doing good for no earthly reward or recognition.
I am not looking for praise, but I love Christmas so we can give to others. We do the 12 days of Christmas each year. Sometimes we have several families or like this year, only one. We plan and prepare for December to arrive so we can begin our secret service.
This year I was being very Grinchy, which is very unlike me. Nothing was going right and we had to move everything out of our apartment so new windows and doors could go in. Why at Christmas? This meant no tree or decorations could be put up.
As I was mulling over everything, the Grinch story came to mind, reminding me of what happened. "Christmas came just the same." And it did. My boys understood our situation and said it was okay as long as we could still do our service project.
We lived for each night. My young boys are old enough to do the delivery, while I sat in the van waiting for their return. They did their best friend and his family this year. They loved nearly being caught every night and the sweet notes their friend left for them. It meant a lot to my 11 year old son, who told me this was the best Christmas ever! Not having the tree, lights and decorations, helped him focus on serving his friend, helping him know the true meaning of Christmas.
So the stocking items were left in Target bags by Santa and the presents were left on the table, it was truly the best Christmas because of serving others.