Shiny New Things

Posted by Justine | April 18, 2009 | 25 Comments

junk1 Ten years ago, we bought a white car. It was used, but not ‘beat-up’, and we’ve had it ever since. Last month, our trusty van had it’s 20th in a long series of car problems, and we delivered it up to car heaven.

We were on the hunt for a new car.

We ultimately bought a car that, of course, is much newer than a decade. It better fits our family’s needs, and still has, gasp, a warranty!

The first time I drove the new car to the kid’s school to drop something off, a fellow PTA mom stopped me and said something like, “Hey, nice new car!” I lowered my head and apologized. “Yeah, sorry. It’s so embarrassing. It’s all fancy and new feeling and, well, you know…” I trailed off. She giggled and wondered aloud why on earth I was apologizing. I had to admit that I had no idea.

Later, as I spent a few minutes thinking on the issue, I recognized that I was, indeed, feeling guilty about getting a newer car. Guilty that I wasn’t driving a clunker? Guilty that the car wasn’t 10 years old? Guilty that we spent money in this rough economy? Guilty that…what? I really wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But I know the feeling I have is somewhere between guilt and embarrassment. I confided these feelings to a good friend, who empathized that she understood the strange reaction, although neither of us could articulate the feeling.

Does our religious culture ask us to sacrifice so much that we do not feel worthy to ever get anything we want? Our new car was well within our family’s budget, it was still a used car, it isn’t a fancy brand or model, yet some vague feelings of ‘not being allowed’ to have it still persist.

I’ve found myself driving with diminutive looks on my face, hoping not to get prideful for owning a car that isn’t falling apart at the seams. As a fairly typical Mormon family (whatever that means), I think I view so much of the world with an eye toward sacrifice, that if something good actually happens to me, I’m skeptical of it.

Am I completely off my rocker? Does anyone else in the world understand this strange feeling? Is this some sort of mis-guided Mormon stoicism? Do I need therapy?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

25 Responses to “Shiny New Things”

Charlotte
April 18th, 2009 @ 7:24 am

I know exactly what you mean. My husband has often pointed out that people in our religion are scared to prosper or admit they are happy. We get so caught up in the “trial by fire” part of the gospel that we feel if we are doing well we are either not living worthily enough to suffer or we’re just waiting for the shoe to drop. Somehow we miss the “men are that they might have joy.”

My husband makes a nice income and I sometimes struggle with our financial prosperity. I just try to remember that we still live on a budget, but there is nothing wrong with extras in the budget (as long as there is also room for giving & saving).
Kathryn P.
April 18th, 2009 @ 8:04 am

Justine, you just need to move to a big city. I grew up in Minneapolis and having a decent car was a matter of survival. A junker would never have survived the artic temperatures. Later, living in San Diego brought new reasons to have a newer and more dependable car. I couldn’t get anywhere without going on a freeway and I had my little children to transport. Twenty years ago, when my children were little, there were almost weekly reports in the newspaper of women getting raped or killed when their cars broke down on a freeway. I’ve heard that situation improved after they instituted the three strike laws; however, I’ve NEVER felt guilty about driving a decent car.
Faith Not Fear
April 18th, 2009 @ 8:44 am

I understand your feelings — mine have come as guilt for having been so blessed while others haven’t. Like when I was pregnant with my 4th plus while those around me were struggling to have their first. Or going to visit teach families that lived 12 to a small apartment while I had room to spare.
The most important thing, I guess, is not to let your guilt keep you from being a giver. Never be afraid or ashamed to share what the Lord has blessed you with — it makes those blessings even sweeter!
Dani M
April 18th, 2009 @ 8:48 am

I can’t relate as we’ve never bought a new or a new-er then what we had car. we’re still on our first which was used, but wasn’t “falling apart at the seams”.
I don’t understand the your last paragraph about “eye towards sacrifice” Yes we’re taught to be frugal and to live with-in our means, for some members who can thats a new car every 2 years, some thats a used car when their last just couldn’t chug it anymore. Enjoy your car, you’ve worked for it, and as you said it was well with in your budget. Nothing to be “guilty” about.
jenny
April 18th, 2009 @ 9:21 am

I totally understand how you feel.
I don’t have any answers to WHY “we” feel this way, or how “we” SHOULD feel…

But I say go ahead and enjoy it and feel positive about the fact that you just helped out the economy in some small way. Everyone is tightening their purse strings and going on spending hiatuses, (which is prudent and a good thing) but the economy will never get moving again unless people start spending again. I recently heard that people don’t want to own an ’09/’10 car because it will make them look frivolous, irresponsible and calloused to the fact that we are in such financial turmoil as a nation. But if no one buys those cars, how many more people and families are going to lose their jobs? And what if you REALLY NEED to get a car this year? If people judge you for your purchase, then they don’t know you or the thought that was obviously put in to your purchase. If you are imagining that people are judging you because you feel bad about it yourself, then that really speaks to the “Mormon guilt” you mentioned. (I personally have plenty of it–and I’m not sure exactly what to do with all of it…)
We just need to listen to that giant wake-up call and spend within our means. If that car was budgeted for and necessary–you did a good thing. Enjoy it.

And in answer to your “do I need therapy” question:
Don’t we all,
just a little bit??
Dovie
April 18th, 2009 @ 9:59 am

I really understand this. I grew up with cars that were amazing. Faulty cars were all that I knew. They were why I learned to pray. Really.

It seems farcical now. Even learning to drive as a teenager meant jumping out at every other stop light with a can of starter fluid opening the hood, spraying it in the carburetor jumping back in and starting it, gunning the engine in neutral until the light turned green, learning to take the car out of neutral and into drive at the exact same moment as letting off the gas, just a little, then back on the gas as quick as a wink and I was off. We had air conditioning one summer in one car… a Yugo… and it was wonderful. The Yugo wasn’t always wonderful but he AC that summer sure was.

The parade of vehicles included a Vega, a white car that caught on fire while we were in it (for a while I thought this was how all cars met their end), a Ford LTD Wagon (without reverse bought for $350.00 a hand-me-down from the Bishop’s family), some other blue wood paneled station wagon, of course the Yugo, an 18 foot purple tree van (with exhaust leak included at no extra charge), a Gold Duster, a Dodge Dart, with a door that had to be kept shut with a rope.

I am glad that we all survived them. Luxury to me is a car that starts every time you turn the key and keeps running until you reach your destination and air conditioning. Still when I have in abundance of this minimum I do have feelings to work through.

Feelings and thoughts run around my head like, “All things come from God so why me am I in receipt of this blessing and not someone else?” “There are others that are more deserving or in greater need, so why me?”

All of our cars in my adult life have been “new to me” never “new from the store.” Still I feel some guilt as they start, run and stay comfortable as we drive. The only thing that I don’t feel guilty about is safety, like Kathryn P. said.

I do think that I learned something from those harrowing vehicular experiences. If I can turn guilt to gratitude and be careful to avoid excess, I can feel God’s love every time I turn the key. Just like I did every time the starter fluid trick (and a little prayer) got me on my way again.
Sue
April 18th, 2009 @ 10:50 am

Maybe there’s something wrong with ME! Every time I get a new car (and we do run ours into the ground before buying another), I am absolutely thrilled. I even brag a little. I always feel like I’ve earned my moment of tansient luxury after driving the clunker I’ve been stuck with for the last several years when the old “new car” was undoubtedly in the process of dying.

As for the therapy, I’m with Jenny on that one. We all need it, to some extent. (My issue is an overly developed sense of responsibility.)

*sigh*

But I’m completely cool with having something new. (After all, I’ve earned it by being so responsible.) LOL
mormonhermitmom
April 18th, 2009 @ 11:30 am

We’ve only had one new car, well almost new, it was a lease return the previous person had only for a month. We paid on it for seven years and once it was paid for, we had outgrown it. I traded it to my then single sister with only one child for her minivan, which saw several abusive owners. I sure missed my little car though, with it’s air conditioning and everything. I’m grateful for a van that goes from point a to point b with all my kids in it, but I certainly wouldn’t mind a newer one if I could afford it. I’d assume that your clunker made you appropriately grateful for your current car.
Giggles
April 18th, 2009 @ 12:04 pm

What you are describing sounds like pride from the other direction, pride from the bottom looking up. President Kimball’s talk about “Beware of Pride” mentions both, but it seems like we only focus on one direction and work real hard at not having pride from the top looking down.

I really don’t know what to tell you though. Enjoy the car. With a family using it, it won’t be all shiny and new smelling for long.
FoxyJ
April 18th, 2009 @ 2:45 pm

Giggles–I realized last year that I was totally feeling ‘pride from the bottom up’. We didn’t have much money growing up, and I think my parents compensated by teaching us that not buying new is better and that we should be proud of having old junky stuff. I will admit to spending way too much time looking at people with nicer stuff and feeling a mix of envy as well as pride that I was somehow ‘better’ with my thrift store clothes and dumpster furniture.

And then last year we realized that we needed to buy a new car. Neither of us knows anything about repairs, and so we bought new. We hadn’t planned on buying brand new, but the car we wanted had only been out for a year (Kia Rondo–we love it!). So we bought a brand-new car. And I felt horribly guilty for the first month of owning it. Then I realized that I’d spent way too long judging other people and assuming that they bought nice stuff just to show off. There are many reasons why we buy the things we do, and no matter how much money you have or what you spend it on (or don’t), you can still have pride. Glad I know about my insecurities so I can get to work on fixing them
Tiffany W.
April 18th, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

I’m not sure if I understand your guilt about having a newer, nicer car. I grew up with a father who felt that his responsibility as a father was to make sure that his wife and children drove vehicles that were reliable and well-maintained. There were other things that we didn’t buy new or went without, but a good, newer car–that was essential for our family.

I suppose it was what we grow up with or perceptions that we have.
Emily M.
April 18th, 2009 @ 3:14 pm

Justine, I feel that way about furniture. And many other things, actually; deep guilt over spending the money to buy something new/nice, even if it’s needed.

Part of this is because I want to be prudent financially. And another part of it is the time I spent as a missionary in Ecuador. Too much of that experience has faded, but there’s always a part of me that remembers people I taught who lived with four kids and two parents in one room, for instance. So I can always argue my way out of any purchase… and on the other hand, I can reason my way into any purchase too. I get the guilt either way, actually: I feel guilty for spending money, or I feel guilty for not creating a pleasing atmosphere in my home.

Therapy, anyone?
Justine
April 18th, 2009 @ 4:04 pm

I’m starting to feel that some of it ispride, Giggles. I understand where you’re coming from completely. I know I’m a prideful person in many ways — ooh, so many. Part of it is probably me overcompensating for what I feel was a wonderful but indulgent childhood.

I also think part of it is that I have guilt about having something nice while so many others are going without. Very much like your sentiment, Emily. Just because there are hungry children on the streets of Washington D.C., I somehow shouldn’t buy anything ever.

I’m really glad to know there are others that can identify with what I’m feeling. There are complex and varied reasons for this kind of strange guilt, and I’m glad to feel understood! Now I just need to fix it and get over it!
she-bop
April 18th, 2009 @ 4:10 pm

Cars…oh how I love them. I am sure the reason we will never be abundantly blessed in the finance department is because I have said out loud, many times, that if I had lots of money I would have a bigger garage than house, full of fun cars.

So go sister, and enjoy your new ride. It sounds like you needed it. And way to go stimulating the economy!
QueenScarlett
April 18th, 2009 @ 5:01 pm

My parents were like this to some extent. When they finally were able to have lots of nice things they were terrified of people seeing them in them, with them… because they were more afraid of what others would think of them.

I suppose it’s because they thought the same things of others that had stuff… and probably thought that other people would think that of them. Or they were just hyper-sensitive in making people jealous… Did that make any sense out loud as it did in my head?

Yes, there are people who have less then us. There are people who have more than us. To avoid that angst, we need to STOP caring what other people think of us. We do our part to do good – and then have a heart of gratitude for the glorious blessings, whatever that may be – for what we do have, and move on in life.

There is this culture in Mormonism that reminds me a lot of the Pharisees and the Saducees (sp?). The outward display of “righteousness” “piety”… whatever. I’ve never been a fan of outward displays…they bore me, and I think most of us can see right through them. I think the Lord knows our hearts. And if we work more on the inside than what is showing on the outside, we’ll be a lot happier.

Frankly, I like new cars. Safety is big for me, especially with my precious cargo, and statistics for accidents on the road. So if anyone has a problem with me driving around in a new car, I don’t care. Why? Because, this new car is giving me peace of mind when it comes to what is most important, taking care of MY family.
clistyB
April 18th, 2009 @ 5:10 pm

i make it my responsibility to seek out ladies who feel like you do and gush over their new purchase. The way I see it, if I cant have it, I’ll be excited for whoever does!
If I knew you I would make you take me for a ride in your good smellin car!
Lisa
April 18th, 2009 @ 5:29 pm

It’s not really about the car, though, is it? I feel the same way sometimes because we are currently making a 9-month trek around the world. I feel like I have to justify it to people–explain that it really doesn’t cost that much–as if it’s their business, as if their judgments matter. The thing is, “their” judgments come not out of their mouths but from inside my own head. We all do what’s necessary or good for our own selves and families, using our best judgment at the time. What more can we ask of ourselves? It’s common in our culture, though–this false sense of guilt. Ít’s dangerous. It feels to me like the opposite of gratitude. None of us really earns anything that we have anyway, so I work to be grateful, not guilty. It’s worth probing, though: why is that an effort?
Camille
April 18th, 2009 @ 6:14 pm

I don’t know if it’s a “mormon” thing, but I tend to find that a lot of it is a gender issue. I know if my spouse were put in your situation he would be more than proud to show off the new vehicle, brag about how powerful the engine was, how much of a good deal he got on it, etc. I think as women we feel as if we need to downplay our compliments. It’s taken me a long time but when anyone compliments me I have learned just to smile and say thanks!
Heidi
April 18th, 2009 @ 9:54 pm

I absolutely know what you mean. We’re raised on stories of the pioneers being driven from their homes and killed for their faith, and of the prophets being stoned for their testimonies. We’re told that these are the models of of faith, endurance, and belief, and also that we will be tried as no generation has ever been tried before.

So then . . . when things are too easy, or we’re actually just really enjoying life, something seems off. Fishy. out of place. Just this afternoon I realized that I was feeling guilty about the fact that my husband and I have no debt other than our house (and the IRS stimulus package first-time homebuyer loan), and about eight-thousand dollars in the bank (and stocks. Which are doing well). And we just bought a new bed. And yeah, we’ve worked to get to this point, but aren’t you supposed to work AND SUFFER? WHERE’S THE SUFFERING?

Funny story about my cousin, who also wondered where the suffering was. He was on his mission, and things were just going too well. He wasn’t miserable, he wasn’t lonely, tracting was going well, he hadn’t even been bitten by a dog. He confided his fears to his pres, who responded that if my cousin continued to live worthily . . . he would be bitten by a dog.

So cousin’s out tracting one day, and he walks past this house. This little chihuahua starts barking and yipping, runs up to my cousin, looks at him for a second, nips him on the ankle, and runs back to the house.

Moral of the story, I think is that we should all live as largely and as well as we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, and leave all the measuring it out up to God.
Michelle L.
April 19th, 2009 @ 4:33 pm

Oh J– I relate to this in so many ways. In fact, I’ll go to great lengths to keep people from seeing my house(because it’s a pretty nice one). And although we’ve saved 8 years to take the kids on a dream vacation this summer, I’ve been hesitant to tell anyone about it.

So yes, I feel the same way.
Brenda
April 19th, 2009 @ 6:22 pm

I have never felt guilty about new things. Maybe I need to be humbled, but I would have said, “I know, isn’t it great?”
Cheri
April 19th, 2009 @ 9:01 pm

Justine, I just got your Goodreads review of The Working Poor. Do you think that might have influenced your feelings ?

One way I manifest what you’re talking about is to explain what a great deal I got. So if someone compliments my nice new sweater, I feel compelled to tell them all about the massive clearance sale at j.jill that brought me the lovely sweater for only 15 bucks . . . including shipping. For me, I think a lot of it is worrying about what other people think.
Melissa M.
April 19th, 2009 @ 11:57 pm

This is an especially interesting topic to me because we just had a gospel doctrine lesson today about the Law of Consecration–which made me ponder once again the issues of ownership and stewardship and wealth and righteousness. I happened to marry into a wealthy family, and I’ve always felt conflicted about my husband’s money (I still view it as primarily his money, which I suppose is significant, since we’ve been married for twenty years)–which, interestingly, has decreased significantly in the last six months. Our wealth has always been somewhat embarrassing and shameful to me, something I needed to apologize for (like Cheri and the new sweater she got on sale, but on a much bigger scale). Yet I’ve grown to appreciate the things I’ve been able to do with it, like taking my extended family on a nice vacation last summer–something none of us will ever forget. And I like driving a safe car and providing my teenagers with safe cars. Now, however, with our current financial crisis, I’m reevaluating all over again, and part of me thinks maybe we were supposed to be humbled, and that this will be good for us in the long run, and there’s a sort of relief mixed with fear. I suppose I’ll always feel conflicted. But there’s nothing wrong with driving a safe car–that much I do know. And I think if we were living the Law of Consecration we’d all be driving safe cars.
al
April 20th, 2009 @ 7:52 am

I love these comments. I needed to hear them.

It’s so true that people will respond to your situation according to their own personal experiences and perspectives. Some might think, “Wow. What a nice car. Good for them working so hard to be able to afford that!” While others might scoff and criticize, “Look who’s trying to show off!’
You never really know, so don’t waste energy trying to deliver your life in a package they’ll approve of.

I do think that awkward-apologetic feeling comes down to pride. You really have to ask yourself what the route of the emotion is and what it’s telling you. If you’re worried about what others think…worry is fear-based and doing things out of fear is never healthy or productive.
I’m mostly preaching to myself now so I’ll stop.
Justine
April 20th, 2009 @ 9:53 am

Cheri, I’m sure reading that book currently has influenced my feelings on the issue. It was a really devastating book to read.

And al, I’m loving these comments, too. Everyone is helping me work through this issue SO MUCH!