Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace

Posted by Angela | January 21, 2010 | 50 Comments

1. When I was a kid, I was a hand-raiser. I remember once in the 4th grade almost bursting out of my seat, palm flailing, wanting wanting wanting Mr. Poulsen to call on me. His eyes kept scanning the classroom from one end to the other, settling on my eager face for a moment then moving past it, until finally he peered at me over the rim of his glasses and said, “Angie, I think we need to let someone else in the class have a chance to participate.”

Oooff.

Lesson #1: Know-it-alls are annoying

2. My first big marital fight started over a WWII commemorative stamp. Apparently, the USPS had decided to issue a stamp with a picture of a mushroom cloud, then thought better of the idea and withdrew it. What began as an relatively benign comment to my husband about the ridiculousness of such an idea evolved into a tense discussion about war and geopolitics, then devolved into a line-item dissection of both my and my husband’s past sins and current failings. We were so certain that if we just KEPT TALKING that we’d finally resolve the stupid argument and fall asleep loving each other again. But at the end of the night (or at the beginning of the morning—it was around 3 a.m. if I remember right) we finally fell into bed exhausted, frustrated, and sad.

Lesson #2: The well-known piece of advice offered by old ladies at bridal showers, “Never go to bed angry!” is a load of baloney. At least if you’re a former debate club member married to another former debate club member.

3. The people I like best—my closest, dearest friends—are those who are willing to be real and honest with me. I know their hopes and dreams and struggles and pains. I prize openness in relationships, and it’s almost impossible for me to have a meaningful friendship with somebody who insists on holding the world at arm’s length. I feel that I owe it to my friends to be open and trusting with them, as well. But I remember a particular lunchtime conversation where I unloaded a bunch of complicated feelings about parenting one of my children, and when I came home and saw that sweet kid lying on the couch, reading a book, the sense that I’d betrayed that child’s trust hit me right in my gut.

Lesson #3: There are some things that shouldn’t be shared, even with my closest, dearest friends. Especially when people I love would be hurt if they knew I shared it.

4. The day after the Presidential election in 2008, I shut down my Facebook page and didn’t come back for months. I’d posted what I thought was an innocent, inoffensive status update about the day’s events, but when I returned home after running errands, I found an all-out political brawl had erupted on my wall, spearheaded by one of my Facebook friends who took particular delight in telling another of my friends (whom she didn’t know) that she was going to hell. Also: my husband keeps getting forwarded emails from people who know his political leanings, but insist on barraging him with “information” that proves he’s an idiot for believing what he does. Also: the only time in my life I’ve ever had a real fight with a certain family member whom I love (and who shall not be named, see above) was over politics. Also: I’m interested in politics, pay attention to national and world events, have pretty firm opinions, and hold a philosophical belief that people should be able to speak the truth as they see it in order for a democracy to function properly.

Lesson #4: Philosophical beliefs aside, I’m beginning to doubt it’s possible in this highly-charged environment to have a productive discussion about politics, unless the people having the conversation are already pretty much on the same page. I’m not sure if it’s worth it to me to engage in such discussions, especially with people I care about who also happen to disagree with me.

5. During my first ever course in graduate school (Women’s Literature–it was such an awesome class), the professor asked me to read the poem “A Litany for Survival” by Audre Lorde. I was embarrassed to find myself in tears by the time I reached these final few lines:

and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive

The issue of daring to speak despite my own fear was (and remains) a very potent one for me. It was scary for me to take that class, jumping back into school with two little kids at home. It was scary for me to write. It was even scarier for me to see anything I’d written published. But I believed then, and continue to believe today, in the power of speaking. In telling the truth. In pushing past the fear.

Lesson #5: I shouldn’t be afraid of the sound of my own voice.

I’m a talker, it’s true, both in my personal and professional life. But as you can see by my examples above, I find myself quite regularly conflicted over when to raise my hand high in the air and when to sit in my seat and “hold my peace.” Tell me: what have you learned about navigating the treacherous terrain between speaking and silence?

Comments

50 Responses to “Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace”

Selwyn
January 21st, 2010 @ 1:17 am

*waves hand above head – pick me as first commenter, pick me!*

I’ve learned that Thumper’s Mum (“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”) was wrong for most situations.

That being said, you can still say what needs to be said without being mean, cruel or otherwise hurtful – if that is your intention.

When I’m trying to work out if silence or speaking is best, I go by “If in doubt, leave it out.” Except when it comes to bearing my testimony (when prompted) or complimenting someone. Those two always need to be spoken.
m&m
January 21st, 2010 @ 2:06 am

I struggle mightily with these kinds of questions. Where experience is often the best teacher, I find experience in many ways has only confused the issue more for me.

Two things I have learned (or am learning) is that motives really can matter. If I communicate with a desire to manipulate or control (even when I don’t always realize that is what I’m doing), it doesn’t work, and often creates real problems and pain. Trying to discern that difference in myself is not always easy. The corollary to that is that not all communication from others will be needful for us to internalize…sometimes it’s good to listen and apply, sometimes it’s good to let it go and forget. Part of communicating well, imo, is learning to discern such differences, both in our own and in others’ communications.

One last thing that comes to mind that ends up being closely related: communication requires a forgiving heart, because we as mortals step on each others’ hearts a lot by putting our feet in our mouths — sometimes (often?) without meaning to.

There is a helpless feeling sometimes to realize that I have done that (because I know I have — I think the more vocal and opinionated we are, the more likely that is to happen, and I tend to be vocal and opinionated!). Sometimes that realization leaves me never wanting to communicate again – you know, to be “safe.” But that never feels right, either. (Related to OP #5)

So while I’m at it, FWIW, I just want to say I’m sorry to anyone whom I have hurt or offended with my weaknesses that can show up sometimes in how/when/why I “open my mouth” (literally or electronically)…after all, this is one of the places where I am ‘vocal.’ I imagine along the way I have offended people, but I also know I may never have the chance to personally apologize if I have, so for now, a blanket apology will have to suffice. If you are one of those people and you are reading, I’m sorry.

Such a difficult dance. I’ll be interested in reading others’ thoughts. Thanks for this thoughtful, important post, Angela.
m&m
January 21st, 2010 @ 2:19 am

Another thing — longwindedness is a negative.

Must. Be. More. Succinct.
Tracy M
January 21st, 2010 @ 2:48 am

We bend so very much farther than we ever thought possible.
The human heart can crack into a million little pieces and still beat on.
When I silence myself, I hurt myself. One way or another.
It IS okay to go to bed angry.
Being offended is usually a waste of time.
Sometimes people speak to fill up the loneliness in their own hearts.
Selwyn
January 21st, 2010 @ 4:07 am

Just found this on my calendar – Don’t go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge! (I’m guilty of that with every argument/debate I’ve ever been in!)

And I don’t recommend that course of action.

Usually.
Mrs. H-B
January 21st, 2010 @ 7:20 am

I am in the process of learning not to take everything personally. My whole life I’ve just assumed that an off-hand negative (in my eyes) comment was directed at me as a personal attack. My husband has done a world of good in teaching me that that’s hardly ever the case. You can only imagine how much my sense of self-worth has grown with that realization.
Emily U
January 21st, 2010 @ 8:54 am

I don’t have much to say except that your lesson #2 is absolutely right.
Red
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:39 am

This is a wonderful post. Finding a voice in this world is such an important part of finding one’s soul, and the voice doesn’t have to be loud. Just true.

Re #4: I think about this a lot. Because I consume a lot of news and I have a lot of opinions about what’s going on out there. But the medium for discussing “sensitive” political issues is so important. Facebook and Twitter (and even blogs, I think) are not a good forum for meaningful political discussions that will broaden understanding or change points of view. In my experience they seem to incite controversy rather than understanding, so I try to avoid those topics online. In person, I think it’s still important to, civilly, discuss the world around us. The nuance of facial expressions and basic human kindness seems to dispel the rancor a bit.
Angela
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:53 am

Selwyn, you’re picked! I love the saying on your calendar, too. And I agree that Thumper’s mom’s advice isn’t always helpful. Sometimes it’s the things that aren’t exactly “nice” that MOST need to be said . . . just as long as we do our best to say them without the intent to wound.

Like m&m said, motives are so very important, but I’ve found that even if my motives are pretty pure, I can’t always control others’ interpretations of my motives, which can indeed be painful. And as one who has often put her foot in her mouth, I totally understand how you feel, m&m. But I’m really glad you’re here and a part of the conversation.

Tracy M, what a beautiful comment. “Sometimes people speak to fill up the loneliness in their own hearts.” You’re right, you’re right.

And Red, I agree that electronic communication can be particularly tricky because there isn’t the added layer of physical interaction to smooth the communication process. How many of us have had to “hide” certain friends on Facebook who we like in real life, but whose style of commenting or pet topics send us over the edge? (I’m sure I’m not the only Friend hider here . . . right??)

Although, come to think of it, teaching a Relief Society lesson in person can be one of the most treacherous acts of communication I know. Oh, the various and mysterious ways one can give offense!

And m&m, I’m long-winded too. See?
Darlene
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:53 am

I believe in being open about my experiences as much as possible–but not when it would hurt others.

But when it comes to my opinions, I almost always find that silence is better, especially (or maybe most importantly) if I can couple the silence with a genuine interest in the people I’m talking with (instead of keeping my mind focused on what I WOULD say if I dared, or how much I disagree).

Part of this feeling stems from the fact that I dissolve with confrontation, but part of it is because I rarely see that confrontation leads to better relationships anyway.
Angela
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:56 am

Aw, c’mon Darlene. Next time we’re at Cafe Rio, tell me how you REALLY feel. I can take it!

Seriously, though, you’re one of the best listeners I know. That’s a quality I continue to work to cultivate because I prize it so much in my friends.
jenny
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:59 am

Those are all great lessons.
I completely agree with lesson #4. In my personal experience, it has just not been worth the aftermath.
And I love #5 — those lines by Audre Lorde… oh, yes! yes!

I am finding that age+experience has helped me temper and tame my flying words, and helps me to better discern when, where and how I speak.
Jen
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:03 am

My mother-in-law once told us to go to bed angry because we would both feel much better after a good night’s sleep, and it’s not a good idea to argue when you are tired. I think she was really right.

I feel like my mission tipped me more toward the balance of speaking rather than staying silent, and I am happy that such is the case. I ran into my favorite author in an elevator and didn’t say anything and felt just awful for a long time.
cindy
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:41 am

I used to be a handraiser, too, but I’ve gotten a lot less confident in my own opinions as I’ve gotten older. There is so much more grey than there used to be. I find that I learn a lot more when I listen than when I speak. Plus, there’s that old saying, “Better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”

Still, when it comes to personal relationships, I try to be more brave and trust myself to say out loud the things I feel. It’s good to tell someone you love that you love them. It’s okay to tell someone that you’re hurting or confused. There are some things that should absolutely be private, but I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to be able to discuss some personal issues with trusted friends to gain perspective. I try and listen for the Spirit’s counsel as to when to open my mouth and when to be silent, and that has saved me a lot of heartache. I’m still learning.
Lindsay1138
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:48 am

At my bridal shower they had everyone write down a piece of advice. 23 out of 24 papers said “never go to bed angry.” In personal experience I have found that chances are good if you do go to bed angry you will not remember why when you wake up in the morning.

A lesson I recently learned–when that little voice starts telling you something, you should listen. Otherwise you end up spending $300 in car repair just because you didn’t take the other vehicle when the voice told you too.
mormonhermitmom
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:49 am

I find I do better if I hold my tongue first, because there is almost always a situation I don’t understand and my putting my foot in my mouth doesn’t help matters.

I’ll talk politics as long as everyone knows that I think all politicians do some dirty things to get where they are and NONE of them should be completely trusted.

As far as marital relations go, I have acquired the habit of always apologizing first, even if I KNOW I’m right. And I try to make sure that apology comes before dinner if applicable.

I should probably open my mouth more when it comes to my kids and their education. Some things I hear from my kids…but then I clam up because “I might not understand”. But since when is the Eragon DVD appropriate for choir class? A muscial I could understand…c’mon.

Balancing when to speak and when not to is tricky at best.
Kerri
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:53 am

I loved this post, and I agree with lessons 1, 2, 3, and 5. Wholeheartedly. 4, I’m not sure about.

I hate conflict, and I hate the feeling of having my chest tighten with anger or frustration. The political climate we’re enduring right now has given me lots of opportunities to learn to breathe through the frustration and try to relax the tension in my chest. But I’ve also felt inspired to speak my mind in a loving, kind, open manner, and even to post blog posts and Facebook statuses that I knew would be controversial because I’ve been so disturbed by the lack of respect for others’ opinions found on both sides of the aisle. I feel like more people willing to state opinions clearly and concisely and WITHOUT slamming the other side would raise our political debate to a more civilized place. So I keep on keeping on (well, lately I’ve been hiding my head in the sand).

The good news is that some of my friends who have been very combative have started to show more respect in their discussions with me. The bad news is that there are still a lot of people who aren’t.

All that being said, I tend to ignore political comments when they’re made by people I see IRL. Especially family. I just smile and make a little self-deprecating joke about seeing things differently and never NEVER get into details about anything political.
Karen M.
January 21st, 2010 @ 11:21 am

My tendency is to err on the side of silence and have felt a lot of regret over some times when I really should have said something. But I’ve been spooked about speaking because when I finally have the courage to say something it often comes out all wrong. Still, embarrasment is better than years of regret (in my opinion).

In theory (though I need to put it more into practice), I think the best kind of speaking (especially when a controversial subject is being discussed) is question asking. It gives me the opportunity to understand another’s point of view and gives others the freedom to express their feelings more openly because they have my explicit permission. I don’t feel obligated to agree, but at least we can understand one another better.
Angela
January 21st, 2010 @ 11:40 am

Kerri, I definitely agree with you that reasoned, intelligent speaking is critical to a functioning democracy. And I’m always grateful to those who do it well. But I’ve found for myself that during times I decide to speak out on political topics–even when I try to do it carefully and with sensitivity–I end up regretting it. Either somebody jumps all over me and I end up irritated or defensive, or I up getting more strident than I wanted to be myself. There’s a good chance I’m just being a wimp. Or that, occasionally, my “silence” is of the passive-aggressive sort: “If you guys aren’t going to play nice I’m taking my ball and going home!” [stomp, stomp, stomp] [looking over my shoulder to see if people are watching me leave]. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely silent about political things because I *do* care about certain issues, but I’ve been burned enough over the last year and a half to be pretty wary. But thank you for being an intelligent contributor to political conversations. We need you.

And Karen M., I love your advice about question asking. I’ll have to try that approach more purposefully. It’s a great way to guard against bloviating or speech-making.
FoxyJ
January 21st, 2010 @ 11:40 am

Although I tend to be opinionated on my blog and in blog comments, in real life I’m fairly timid about speaking up. Especially when it involves opinions or asking people for things I need. My husband and I both have issues with conflict and so we rarely fight; we’ve actually been working on changing this and it has improved our marriage, LOL. The absence of conflict isn’t always a good thing. I’ve been getting more confident during the last few years about sharing my thoughts; I like what someone here said about experiences being more constructive than opinons–they often can be. I’ve also spent a lot of time pondering my patriarchal blessing, because it tells me more than once that I have a quiet influence. This has been good for me because I’ve often tried to be someone I’m not and it’s good to find my own particular ‘voice’.

As far as politics goes, I pretty much avoid it these days. During the last few years my family has become extremely divided regarding both political issues and the Church, so I just keep my mouth shut because I’d rather enjoy my family gatherings rather than get up in an argument. If we could have a civil discussion I’d do it, but so far it hasn’t happened.
traci
January 21st, 2010 @ 11:48 am

What a post – vital and hard! I’ve had some hard lessons on this one. And just when I think I’ve learned the lessons, the rules change – really!

Frustrated over my treasury position at Ladies Aid I stood up and explained that could “kiss my rossy red a__.” Should be really wrong, it made everyone laught and we were able to come to decisions and good turns. The President used it the next month, much to my surprise.

When I am really mad I don’t talk about it. I wait til I have calmed and then decide if it was really important. That doesn’t mean I’m silent tho – that would be punishing. I try very hard to smile, act as if everything is ok and continue on with pleasantries. After all, the problem is me! With my husband I try and remember that to always resort to obedience if I still disagree. Not always easy, but…..

I believe I grew up in a culture that does not appreciate a woman’s voice – that is what pushed me to writing. The paper cares. That is important to me.

Politics, religion – constant discussions at my house, if I cannot agree, I am quiet. When we go to a book study in my husband’s church I have learned to knit. But again not be totally silent, as they see that as aggressive. So share niceties and bring sweets.

Can I be honest with some in my life, sure – but I am not always sure it is necessary. There are times when it has been vital, but I think those times are rare.

And lately I have been reminded that when I am with someone the focus is to be on them, not me – not easy. So how I think and feel is usually mote.
Melissa
January 21st, 2010 @ 12:56 pm

I don’t have much to add except that I have learned all of the same lessons, and in much the way you have. My friends often comment that I’m “so calm and collected.” I don’t know that calm and collected would ever describe me, but I am at peace at this point in my life having learned some of the exact lessons above. I no longer feel the need to jump in and be the first to answer, or engage in a discussion/debate that will exhaust me to tears. I think this is maturity and learning from our life lessons. There is wisdom in knowing when to speak and when to remain silent. Choice is a powerful tool we possess. I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, and change some of the experiences I had to go through to learn these lessons–the ones that were especially painful and embarrassing. But I wouldn’t trade the wisdom I’ve gained.
Giggles
January 21st, 2010 @ 3:22 pm

I can especially agree with #3. I’ve learned that I can get over a hurt a lot faster than those who I told and weren’t involved in it. No sense giving people grudges to hold that aren’t theirs to begin with.

For #4, I’ve found that people who disagree can communicate very civilly, as long as each has come to their own conclusion on the issue and they aren’t just parroting what they’ve heard others say. So maybe part of that lesson is that it really is a good idea to think through what you are going to say and know why you are saying it, before you actually speak.

And I can’t wait for the day when the “don’t go to bed angry” advice finally goes away. Fighting when you are tired never gets you anywhere.
Velska
January 21st, 2010 @ 3:51 pm

One of the lessons for me has been that I don’t have to be right all the time. Although I still think I know better, if I just let some things slide, it’ll work out.

But politics is tricky, because sometimes people let such atavistic feelings dictate over their better sense (I hope that wasn’t aimed at anyone).

I learned to apologize first, because I couldn’t really remember why we were upset. My wife was first a little upset with that (to be shown up by such a jackass!) but after 25 years started seeing if she could beat me to it. We hardly ever stay mad for an hour these days, since we both have given up so much that we’d be foolish to give each other up.

Well, then there are times I stay online too long, which can still make her feel left out…
Velska
January 21st, 2010 @ 3:54 pm

Oh, forgot to say. I’m a know-it-all by any definition, and often annoy myself by it.

As a kid I was the type that was bullied by older sisters and mom to just stay the heck out of their way. So I got all too good at avoiding attention at all cost, and it was difficult to learn out of it.

And I’m long-winded, too, QED.
Annie
January 21st, 2010 @ 4:51 pm

I think I’m a natural hand-raiser, speak-upper who has been trained to stay quiet. True story: when I was in second grade I reported to the teacher that a student was breaking the rules. Her response was to make me wear a “tattle tail” all day long! An actual tail! I was 6. Granted, tattling is annoying but really? A tail?

I am nostalgic for that outspoken me. I wish I could channel her in sunday school sometimes or in political discussions with friends or to respond to snarky statements on facebook (yes! I do hide some friends’ statuses too).

Maybe she’ll be back, though. I’ve noticed that my mom is much more outspoken in her 60s than she ever was. I love it and aspire to it.
Sue
January 21st, 2010 @ 5:05 pm

I’ve always talked too much, and the balance for me has been learning when NOT to speak. When I was in high school, an English teacher once told me I had “a need to be heard.” It felt like a put-down at the time, but now I realize she was right. It is what it is. I’m pretty passionate about putting my two cents in on subjects I really care about.

Having said that, I’ve gotten a lot better at being still and opting for silence.

Sometimes.
Melissa M.
January 21st, 2010 @ 5:44 pm

I wish I’d spoken up more when I was younger–especially in college, when I hardly ever contributed to class discussions because I was too timid. I’ve definitely become more outspoken as I’ve gotten older, but I still struggle mightily to find the right balance between tactful silence and speaking up when appropriate. I often regret rushing in with rash statements, wishing I had stayed silent, and I often regret being tongue-tied. Do you ever lie awake at night replaying a conversation in your head, thinking of all the things you *should* have said? I do that all the time. So, I’m still struggling to figure this whole thing out.

I loved this post, Angela—it was so well-written and thought-provoking.
m&m
January 21st, 2010 @ 5:47 pm

As I have been thinking about this, Elder Hales’ talk, Christian Courage, came to mind. I like how he talks about the fact that there is no One Right Answer on how (or if) to respond. Although the context he talks about may be more limited, I think the principles are sound with general communication, too.

I boil it down to the fact that the keys to Christlike communication are the Spirit and love. Sometimes that means speaking up when it’s hard, sometimes it means being silent. But always, love is the motivator.
madhousewife
January 21st, 2010 @ 5:56 pm

I almost always err on the side of staying silent. Except on blogs, when I often err on the side of choosing the wrong time not to be silent.

Before I got married, an older couple who had been married a long time told me that it was okay to go to bed angry, because you’d probably not be angry when you got up in the morning so it was no use spending all that time fighting when you could be sleeping. Unfortunately, my husband wasn’t there for that conversation. (I hadn’t met him yet.) He was there when our sealer in the temple said that we should always talk through a problem and “not let it fester,” which is generally good advice, except that my husband interpreted it as “don’t go to bed angry.” He always wanted to talk things through that I couldn’t see us possibly resolving and because I was really tired and wanted to go to bed, I would just apologize or tell him he was right or whatever I had to do to get the conversation to END so I could go to sleep. And then I would resent it and let my resentment fester.

But people should not talk politics on Facebook. They should not!
Carina
January 21st, 2010 @ 6:17 pm

Angela,

I posted a sentence saying I was happy about the results of 2008 election, and I LOST HALF MY READERSHIP. Seriously. It was a sentence, not a tirade, not an indictment or gloating, and whoosh. Learned that lesson.

It’s *possible* to have a conversation about politics, but usually only one-on-one and only with people who will listen to you and you to them. I love having those discussions because you learn more about each other, why we feel the way we do, leading to a deeper, more empathetic understanding of the other side of our respective beliefs. Those conversations are precious and rare.
m&m
January 21st, 2010 @ 7:28 pm

Carina, WOW.

I really hate the fact that it’s so hard to talk about politics — all the more so, imo, in the Church. It’s too easy to conflate religious belief with political perspective, forgetting that there are true principles on and in ‘both sides’ of the fence.
Loralee
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:39 pm

I am lucky in that most of the people that I associate with have the same political leanings. And the ones that don’t aren’t prone to be offensive to me about it. And I try to stay on the topic while not belittling those who have other opinions. The only time all-out warfare errupted on my FB page was when I posted a innocent Christmas greeting that -gasp- included a mention of how Christ is central to my beliefs every day, not just at Christmas time.
I had recently “friended” an apparent atheist (I didn’t know she was) who went off on me, and several friends completely stood up for me and what I’d said. When I checked back the next day, there was a whole page of this going on… That day I found out who my REAL friends were!
Lindsay1138
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:42 pm

Sometimes I like to stir up my inlaws by saying things that I don’t really mean, like saying I’m for gun control or against the death penalty or voting for Clinton. Just to see what happens.
Angela
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:51 pm

Annie, the tattle tail story! Egads.

And Melissa, you’re right that we can regret not speaking just as much as we can regret speaking too much. Oh, the damage that silence can cause, both to ourselves and to others.

Madhousewife, great story about strictly obeying the “don’t go to bed angry” rule can actually cause MORE resentment if you acquiesce so you can get some dang sleep. But your comment also reminded me how important speaking is in marriage, too. When I say that I don’t buy the whole “don’t go to bed angry” thing, it’s not because I think if I go to sleep it will go away. It’s because I’m tired at night and say things I don’t mean. BUT . . . I also think it’s necessary to eventually talk about whatever it is that’s bothering us when I’m calmer and more rational. Of course, I’m incapable of giving anyone the silent treatment–really, I’ve tried it, and I’m terrible at it. But I’ve always wondered about couples who say they’ve “never had a disagreement.” To me, that just means that there’s lots of unacknowledged and possibly damaging stuff going on under the surface.

Carina, that’s exactly what I mean. The tiniest thing can blow up in a political climate like this one. It’s all just so fraught.

And Loralee, isn’t it interesting that expressions of religious faith can be just as provocative and potentially difficult as expressions of political ideology? We should have a whole blog post dedicated to how to navigate discussions about faith.
Angela
January 21st, 2010 @ 10:54 pm

Lindsay, that was like when my husband said (in all seriousness) that he was voting for Obama at Scout camp and everybody in our ward thought he was kidding. My husband, he’s such a joker.

(And hey: I’m against the death penalty. For reals! Ack!! Duck!! )
Heidi
January 21st, 2010 @ 11:35 pm

I can think of LOTS of times when people have said things to me when I really wish they had been silent. But, in realizing that I can make that list pretty quickly, I wonder how often I have spoken up when I should have kept my mouth shut. My dearest friend is very real with me — we can each be ourselves, and it is glorious — but there has been a time or two when I have let my words get away from me. Your story about betraying your child’s trust really resonated with me. In the last few months one thing has become very clear: it’s hard to regain trust (both given and received) after it is betrayed with words. Words are powerful, and I need to use them carefully! That said, it has been in the painful aftermath of others’ harsh words that I have experienced positive growth that wouldn’t have come another way. Hm….
Angie f
January 22nd, 2010 @ 12:30 am

I didn’t say much in college classes and in law school only when required to. Somehow in the resulting years, I have become a bit more vocal in some settings, at least in church, if the vibe is right. My sister used to get a bit embarrassed by this when we attended a singles ward together. She instigated the three comment maximum rule and would mutter in my ear if I was approaching my “limit.” We’re no longer in the same ward; we don’t even live in the same state. But when I find myself getting involved in a good gospel discussion, I can often hear in my mind her whispers “you’re getting close to your limit!” I agree that know-it-alls are annoying, but as a teacher, to hear crickets instead of comments? That’s worse, much worse!
Zina
January 22nd, 2010 @ 1:26 am

I agree that trying to discuss politics on Facebook or blogs is dangerous ground. In a few rare instances I’ve discovered that friends are willing to discuss differences politely, and I’m always grateful. I think more people used to understand the rules of polite debate (anyway I like to think so, and my mom says she believes that’s the case) but now many people approach politics more like zealots, where any rude words or behavior are justified if they promote their righteous cause. That said, I rarely block anyone on facebook, since I do want to find any non-political common ground in friends’ lives I *can* relate to. And since it’s generally those with the most extreme positions who are the most outspoken on those sites, I’m also often grateful when someone dares to politely challenge foolish or even harmful positions.

I chose to speak up, anonymously, on a humor site recently as an experiment. It’s kind of a long story but basically the (mostly non-LDS, and some ex-LDS) commenters in a thread were cheering a couple of BYU students who’d been breaking the honor code by fornicating. A couple of BYU students had already made pro-morality comments and been shouted down, and I wanted to support them. I knew I’d probably be flamed and tried to brace myself for it, but it was still hard not to be shocked by the degree of maliciousness and vulgarities that were subsequently aimed at me. I tried to be extremely calm and non-personal in how I expressed my viewpoint, and avoided my natural tendency to be snarky. Still, although I meant to only comment once and leave it at that, I kept finding it irresistible to defend myself when someone would argue with a point they thought I’d made but hadn’t, or misquoted me. I ended up making three long comments, and in the end I had to make myself just walk away and not go back, knowing they’d think they’d won, knowing they’d still be saying rude things, but also knowing I might lose my cool and certainly was losing the strength of my position if I kept letting myself get sucked back in to a very low level of discourse.

In a way I’m embarrassed to have even dipped my toes in that water, but, as I said, it was an interesting learning experience, even if to prove what I’d already guessed: if you suspect people will be escalating and inflammmatory types, they probably will be. But somebody needs to stand up to the cyberbullies–right? And I hope my calm and polite defense of morality may have had a good influence on more moderate lurkers. At the same time, I don’t have any appetite to try that again any time soon.

This is such an interesting topic to me since I’m both extremely talkative and opinionated but ALSO usually non-confrontational and a fan of good manners and diplomacy. I can think of lots more examples and counterexamples in favor of speaking up or not–but I think this comment is already approaching overlong status.

I do ave a soft spot for hand-raising students and hate to hear of a teacher ever shaming one. Or was his tone kind? Even if so, though, it’s not as though any of the other kids was eager to participate, right? It’s so ironic that he would try to suppress the one kid who was behaving in the way he ostensibly would like for all the kids to behave. Is that the rule? “Everybody raise your hands and speak up except for the ones who’d actually like to!”
Kathryn Soper
January 22nd, 2010 @ 10:34 am

Awesome, Ang.

I’m a total loudmouth (a shock to everyone, I’m sure). And that is a blessing and a curse, for me and for everyone within hearing range. Working to improve the curse part. It’s not easy.
Course Correction
January 22nd, 2010 @ 10:46 am

Thank you for the link to Audre Lorde’s insightful poem.
al
January 22nd, 2010 @ 1:04 pm

I grew up with a mother who had diarrhea at the mouth. Gross, yet very apt description of her. I didn’t even know I was like her until college when a trusted mentor wrote me a long letter explaining why I had to change or I would loose people in my life.
His letter was like slamming into a brick wall. 10 years later I’m still recovering from it.
It was painful to accept, but I did because deep-down I knew he was right. I was raised with no boundaries or filters when it came to communication. Those take a lot of time and practice to acquire. I had to learn to listen and not just think about what I would say next while the other person spoke.

I get confused now about finding my own voice. When I speak up…do I sound like my mother? Sometimes it quiets me even when I do have valid and insightful comments to share. I guess I’m still a work in progress.

Loved this thought provoking post!
Linda
January 22nd, 2010 @ 1:39 pm

Well, I have learned or like to think I have learned that I must never speak without thinking. When I do the most awful things tend to come out of my mouth. I don’t know what they were doing in there in the first place but out they come. When I think first I often find a better way to share something than I would have without those extra minutes to formulate my ideas. When I think first, I hurt others less. When I think first I realize what I really feel so if someone comes back at me I have a calmness to express myself kindly but with conviction. I’m still working on all of this.
bth
January 22nd, 2010 @ 3:59 pm

Lesson #4? A-M-E-N!
Zina
January 22nd, 2010 @ 5:45 pm

I just remembered (and actually checked to be sure) that I wasn’t anonymous in the experiment I described above–I used my first name, but did make sure not to link back to my blog since I just didn’t feel like opening the door for trolls. I don’t know if that clarification matters.
Jennifer B.
January 22nd, 2010 @ 9:32 pm

Loved this Angela–and all the discussion as well. I’ve often wondered if I say too much, too little, or if what I say is appropriate.

My husband and I belong to different political parties and the way people discuss issues makes us crazy!
DeniMarie
January 23rd, 2010 @ 2:16 am

I still don’t think that I’ve learned lesson 1. In college I earned myself the nickname “Hermione” after the Harry Potter character. I’m still a know-it-all. I guess I can own it and move on.

When my husband and in-laws discuss politics I just inwardly roll my eyes. I can talk respectfully with dh, but ILs, not so much. I believe they are misinformed and very ignorant of the complexity of many issues, but that is maybe one of few things that I actually don’t say anything about. Nor do I post comments on my cousin’s annoying blog when she spouts off about politics. I don’t think she’s looking for opposing viewpoints.

That said, I can organize my thoughts more quickly into writing than I can when I’m speaking out loud, so the question for me is often whether or not I should post anything.

Once I posted something on my blog which I perhaps felt a little too strongly about. Since it was about seeking help for my daughter I assumed everyone would agree with me. Well, I turned out to be wrong. Someone did disagree. And, well I am embarrassed to admit this now, but I sort of went off on her in a comment of my own. She backed down. The problem is I’m not a famous blogger. This was someone I know IRL. I learned a valuable lesson from that. Now I don’t post things on m blog I can’t stand to have people disagree with. I can’t write about what I am *too* passionate about.
Angela
January 23rd, 2010 @ 8:54 am

So many great comments. Thanks, everyone. And DeniMarie, the intersection of electronic communication and people we know IRL can be really tricky sometimes–I agree. I’ve said things on my personal blog (a blog I don’t really advertise, don’t have a link to on my FB page, etc., but that isn’t private) that I’ve regretted once I found out that certain people I know IRL were reading it. Ack! I’ve gone back and forth a few times regarding whether or not to have a private personal blog for that very reason.
I’m Right, So Shut Up! « Course Correction
January 25th, 2010 @ 1:28 am

[...] or experience may cause me to evaluate and change my opinion? But I do think it’s important to stand up for people or groups who are unfairly maligned. I couldn’t just let my visiting teacher partner and the [...]
Momza
January 25th, 2010 @ 5:08 pm

I have a saying:
“If you must choose between being right or being kind, be kind.”

It works 90% of the time in 90% of situations. The other 10% is teaching to be kind or choosing the right for the right reasons, the kind reasons. When dealing with family, friends or strangers, I have found that my greatest achievement is when I can help someone else find their own strength…and that generally takes words and actions together.