My testimony of Joseph Smith came unexpectedly and to me, it seems, a little undeservedly. I was sitting in a sacrament meeting dedicated to the anniversary of the Aaronic Priesthood. I was 20 and had moved to Sydney to work and was away from my family, and for one reason or another, I was feeling really bitter about life, the church and anything else really! The intermediate hymn started. It was ‘Joseph Smith’s First Prayer’ and I thought to myself “not this hymn AGAIN – I’m not even going to sing” (so rebellious huh!!??) Anyway, I sat scowling through ‘bees were humming, sweet birds singing…’ even ‘a shining glorious pillar’ was nothing to me – I thought!
But something compelled me to sing the last verse, “Joseph, this is my beloved” and that was about all I could get out because I was totally filled with this KNOWLEDGE that this really was said by Heavenly Father to Joseph Smith! I couldn’t sing then even if I wanted to – for tears… Bitterness washed away into love for all mankind. I had a desire to do good… The fruits of the spirit were overflowing and it felt beautiful. I *knew* it was true.
Now, married with 5 children, I find myself in a ward where for some reason, most of the time really unfamiliar hymns are sung from week to week – which most of the congregation don’t know, and I have this urge to sing the stirring old favourites like Joseph Smith’s First Prayer or The Spirit of God… there is great power in a hymn… a hymn brought me my testimony of Joseph Smith.

But here is where I struggle: it’s all the stuff we don’t talk about concerning our beloved prophet, specifically the polygamy stuff, that form the basis of my husband losing his faith. Which causes me deep sadness.

And not just his faith in the church, but in God at all.

Any time we talk about it, he can’t believe that knowing the things I know about (which aren’t mere heresay or disputable–there are well-documented accounts of the stuff he’s referring to), that I would still believe this church is Gods true church (if there is a God).

It’s a huge wedge issue for us, and I can’t fathom how to reconcile it. so I just kind of don’t bother trying…much to his frustration. He doesn’t understand my ignoring “the facts”, and yet, I can’t discount my experiences and testimony. I don’t know how to make them co-exist with each other (really, can the?), so I guess I do just take the “I’m seeing through a glass darkly” stance, and figure it’ll all make sense someday.

For now, I’m just clinging on to what crumbs of belief and faith I have.

Sometimes, though, it seems we are only comfortable if that fallibility is at least a thousand or two years away, rather than just a hundred or two.

I was called to be a teacher in Relief Society in a ward in Utah when I lived there five years ago or so, and one lesson was about Joseph Smith. During my lesson, I made mention of the fact that I was glad to learn more about him, because I had never really had a strong testimony about him aside from the fact that I knew he was a prophet of God. You could have heard a pin drop in that Relief Society, and most of the women couldn’t even look me in the eye. I felt very ashamed and then embarrassed that I had said it (I often say things when I am teaching that I then think “I wonder if I shouldn’t have said that” – not inappropriate things, but things that may make people wonder what is wrong with me.)

Something that I have a problem with in the church, not so much the Gospel, is the way people talk about the pioneers like they were perfect also. They were persecuted, yes, and run out of towns, but there are also plenty of accounts and things that show that a lot of them were also haughty about having found the true church, and they may not have been so friendly to people outside of the church. This in no way means that they deserved to be abused, but it does show that they were not infallible and helps you understand why maybe people weren’t so fond of them all the time.

His life makes me really hopeful, and really happy that I don’t have to be perfect. He accomplished a lot of things and was an incredible person and he talked to GOD! but he still messed things up sometimes, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

I’ve had my questions when I’ve heard/read the odd things, too, but it’s the same way it was when I had a hard time on my mission or have hard times in my marriage. I still have those moments of pure revelation to look back to and know that I need to choose faith again.

When I read Rough Stone Rolling, I felt that twinge of embarrassment at the prophet’s mistakes. But in the context of what he had accomplished in his life through his obedience, I was able to let it go.

I also have had repeated confirmations while teaching as a missionary and visiting Palmyra.

What a blessing to have the True Church, the priesthood, the BoM, D&C, and Pearl of Great Price through the efforts of this man called as a prophet.

Thanks for this honest post.

That picture might start a whole ‘nother conversation.

A couple of weeks ago, the lesson in RS was about Joseph Smith’s character, and while I was reading through others’ first-hand perceptions and descriptions of the Prophet, I realized that I felt those exact same feelings about some of the great priesthood leaders here in my stake, and in that roundabout way, it reconfirmed to me of Joseph’s inspired role as the Prophet.

I guess what the difference between my dh’s testimony and mine boil down to is that I believe even though there are things that I don’t understand or “get,” I’m fine with waiting until after this life to get it all figured out and sorted out. He’s not. If it doesn’t make sense now, then it’s not true.