Stuff, Stuff, Stuff

Posted by Guest | November 12, 2008 | 20 Comments

From FoxyJ. Don’t know FoxyJ (seriously?)? Go here to learn more

When my husband I were first married we attended a birthday party for a small child. As often happens, the child got overwhelmed by the large quantity of presents and lost interest in opening them after a while. In my passionate zeal inspired by lack of actual parenting experience, I decided that we would limit our children’s birthday and Christmas gifts so that they would actually enjoy them. We’ve actually stuck with that vow for five years now, with mixed success. Our rule of thumb is usually that they receive one toy, one book, and one item of clothing for their birthdays and for Christmas. Unfortunately that doesn’t always mean they value their presents more, since we still have a lot of toys that get ignored most of the time. Why is it that kids think their own toys are so abominably boring and would rather do other things with their time, like helping themselves to snacks from the fridge or coloring on the walls?
Part of my gift aversion is due to the fact that I just really don’t like clutter. I don’t like having a lot of stuff hanging around. I really hate it when my daughter goes off to birthday parties or even to the dentist’s office and returns with an entire armful of junk. Especially when half the stuff she gets breaks right away because it’s so cheap. I think we could tone down the material rewards a bit and get back to the days of receiving a good old pat on the back or a verbal “thanks for coming to my party.”
But, I’ve also come to realize that gifts aren’t all that bad. Some of the silly little things from the dentist’s goodie jar are still getting played with by my five-year-old, and it’s been six months since she got them. One mom’s trash is usually some kid’s treasure. I also realized that some of my non-materialistic pride was simply laziness masquerading as virtue. It sounds a lot nicer to say “I don’t believe in material gifts” than “I was too cheap and lazy to get you a present.” And some people actually like getting presents and giving them. For our daughter’s first birthday party we tried asking people to bring a side dish instead of a gift. It failed miserably—we ended up with a bunch of presents and not enough food. I realized that projecting what I like and what I don’t like on other people was depriving me of the chance to get to know them better. Giving gifts is a way to show people that you care.
So this year as Christmas approaches I’ve been pondering what to do for friends and family. We’re usually considered off the hook because we’re still in the “starving student” phase of our lives, but even if we had money I’m not sure I’d go nuts buying lots of presents. I don’t like spending a lot of time and energy on shopping and would rather focus on other Christmas-related things. But I’m still going to think about how I can let the people I care about know that I’m thinking of them. And if buying them a special something lights up their face on Christmas morning, then that just may be what I’ll do.
How do you handle gift-giving for Christmas? Who do you give gifts to and why? How do you balance the commercial aspects of the season with a genuine desire to love and serve other people?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

20 Responses to “Stuff, Stuff, Stuff”

Amy W
November 12th, 2008 @ 7:18 am

We have tried many things, but I think my favorite is giving an ornament as a gift. They are relatively inexpensive, there are tons of fun and unique ones out there, so you can have fun with finding something that fits the family or the individual you are giving to, and every year, when they decorate the tree they get to see that gift and enjoy whatever memory goes with it.
(Obviously this is Christmas oriented.)

Also, for my daughter, we bought her a charm bracelet and every year on her birthday, she and I have a mommy/daughter date, to go to lunch and go shopping to pick out a new charm(usually something to remind her what she liked that year, like horses or ballet). This is somewhat harder to do now that the inexpensive charms are no longer sold at our favorite jewelry/accessories store. But it was neat to do for a while and now she has a cute bracelet with memories on it.
Tiffany
November 12th, 2008 @ 7:46 am

Nearly every year, I make a small scrapbook for my MIL and one for my mother. Since we live so far away from them and rarely get to see them, the scrapbook highlights the growth and development of my children. Also, since they both have a lot of a grandchildren, this is one place where I’m sure the pictures are appreciated. I don’t go crazy with embellishments or anything. I try to keep it simple as possible. But it is definitely a gift from the heart and both grandmothers really appreciate it.

This year, I’m compiling all my recipes and family favorites on both sides for a cookbook. I don’t intend to make anything fancy, but I think it will be nice. I’ll give each one of my sisters and dh’s siblings a copy. I intend to pass along a few to friends.

We also do a gift exchange with cousins one my husband’s side of the family.

As for my children, we’re getting them one big present this year and consider it sufficient. They’ll make each other presents or purchase inexpensive gifts for one another.

I like making and giving gifts that are personal and meaningful. I don’t have a lot of money and my time is somewhat limited. But I feel I can take the time to be generous with a homemade gift.
Emily
November 12th, 2008 @ 8:17 am

So, every year after the obligatory name-drawing ceremonies for both mine and my husband’s families, we would just ask everyone what they wanted and that is exactly what we would buy. Sometimes the gift requests would be so specific that we would actually receive a link to the gift. There was absolutely no thought involved and definitely not any love. So, after deciding that Christmas was broken in our house, we are working to fix it this year. Instead of asking everyone what they want, we are going to work to get to know and understand them well enough to purchase or make a gift we know they will love. Many of our siblings live far away, and we don’t see them very often, so this will be a great opportunity to contact them often to figure out what we think they will like.
Jennie
November 12th, 2008 @ 10:22 am

I only get my kids two presents and two books for Christmas. I just hate all the materialism of the holidays. This Christmas I plan on giving the adults in the family only handmade presents (made by either me or from etsy.com).

There was a really, really interesting documentary I saw last year about the materialsm of the holidays and how it’s not what Christmas is about. It’s called “What Would Jesus Buy” I highly recommend it.

Birthdays, on the other hand, are a total free-for-all at our house. Gifts are my love language, so I tend to be rather generous.
kerry
November 12th, 2008 @ 10:28 am

this year we thought we’d try writing a christmas song and giving out the sheet music. we’ll see how *that* goes…
wendy
November 12th, 2008 @ 10:39 am

FoxyJ, I felt like I could’ve written this myself (except not quite so well written). I love your blog’s name, btw. What a great book.

I love Amy W’s ornament idea. I have crocheted scarves and blankets for many of my family members, and I think they were appreciated. I always enjoyed searching for the perfect yarn and the pattern that just fit them. As Christmas drew near, it became a race against the clock; something about that brought out even more of the love I felt for the person.

I have very few ideas this year, except a blurb book for the grandparents if I can get my act together in time. I’d like to find more inexpensive ideas. One of my favorites I saw given within our family was a chess/checkers board with family pictures for each square–useful and very fun.

Re: who I give gifts to and why, I feel sad sometimes that somehow I have slipped away from giving gifts to friends around Christmas. We do treats for neighbors, and sometimes something small for visiting teachers/ees (again, if I can get it together). I have one friend who I’ve exchanged with for years that we still try to do something for each other, but I missed last year in the hecticness of new mommy-hood. I think budget constraints were the initial main reason for the decreasing recipient list. I really love planning and making or finding just the right gift, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

My husband’s family draws names and his mom has us make wish-lists. I admit, I get a little irritated when people won’t put anything on their list. I certainly don’t expect to get what’s on my list, but having some ideas of what the person may like is very helpful. We did homemade gifts for a year or two, which was fun, but doesn’t always work for everybody. I still love the fleece blanket my then single bil made for me.
Giggles
November 12th, 2008 @ 11:43 am

My Christmas gifts are pretty much always homemade. Which means only immediate family and very special friends get anything. And I spend a majority of the year thinking about what I am going to make them.

When we were children, making our gifts for everyone was part of the fun. Starting in November you’d very often find all the bedroom doors closed as we’d be working on some present or another. One year my dad and brother (who was around 7 at the time) made my sister and I a set of wooden blocks that my brother gave us. I’m still usually putting the finishing touches on something on Christmas Eve.

I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and I get so excited when I’ve stumbled upon the perfect thing to make someone that it’s all I can do to not tell them what I have for them before Christmas.

The work involved in making presents also means that since I was a child, I’ve focused more on what I was giving others than what I wanted. I didn’t have time to come up with a “wish list” because I was too focused on figuring out what I was doing for everyone else.
kimbobim
November 12th, 2008 @ 11:43 am

In both DH’s family and my family, we trade family gifts with one sibling’s family. I used to knit/sew gifts, but as the family has grown that’s just not practical any more. For the last few years we’ve given ‘movie night in a box’ gifts – a DVD with a few big theater sized boxes of candy and packages of popcorn wrapped up in a big ribbon. We also do food gifts a lot – I make killer caramel sauce and toffee, and the salsa I can from our garden a huge hit – it’s used as currency by my husband’s siblings, none of whom know how to garden or can. I like doing the food gifts because once it’s eaten, they can throw the package away (or return the bottles to me). I tend to do food gifts that last quite a while – unlike most cookies.

For our kids, we really try to limit the number of “things” they get and concentrate on making special memories. Each November, we sit down for FHE and write out a list of things we’d like to do, places to visit, etc. We make special gingerbread cookie kits for our neighbors and friends, do a Sub for Santa family, go sledding, take the kids and their cousins roller skating, sponsor a special movie night with cousins and friends to watch Christmas DVDs, go see the lights, etc. We usually make a whole day of decorating our house and help our folks/Grandparents do theirs with soup and breadsticks after.

One year when I was about 8 we had what we all refer to as “our homemade Christmas.” All of us six kids made presents for each other. I remember that Christmas more vividly than any other, and I even still have the present my sister made for me – 30 years later. I mentioned this to my husband the other day and now my four kids are all jazzed about making each other’s gifts. It’s more time/work than running to Target, but they are so excited about it. We’ll see if it’s any cheaper – but at least it’s getting them thinking about doing something for someone else. Instead of writing long letters to Santa of what they want for themselves, they’re writing up descriptions of what they want to make and shopping lists for crafts supplies. Yay!

Also, for our kids, we’ve ask our parents to write their personal histories – we gave them a couple of books on writing your own history last Christmas and asked them to work on it this year. The books had topics like describe the house you grew up in, how you met your spouse, what was your first job and how much were you paid, school memories, etc.

Sorry this is so long. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately!
cahkaylahlee
November 12th, 2008 @ 12:05 pm

I second (third? forth?) homemade gifts. It can be a way to develop your own talents and also be a treasure to someone you love. And they are relatively inexpensive. My mom usually made us things for Christmas. When we were little she made these washcloth mittens shaped like different animals and they had a little pocket to put soap in them. I think we wore them out within a year. Last year I had a ton of potpourri left over from a mutual activity, so I decided to make little sachets for my mom and sister. I have a reputation of not being very domesticated, so those were special for them.

I am currently living far away from my family, so we don’t get to do things together often. I’ve started keeping a list of books/movies/music that I’ve read/watched/heard during the year that I think a particular person would enjoy. They make good Christmas presents because I can say: I read this and thought of you and thought you would like to experience it too.

As far as Christmas ornaments go, lots of them are really kitchy. They have no useful purpose, but you are obliged to store it all year because someone gave it to you. And Christmas trees are a strange tradition anyway. So ornaments go in my category of “stuff”. But I’m generally a bit of a bah-humbug, so take this comment however you like.
eljee
November 12th, 2008 @ 1:39 pm

I don’t think there is any one right answer to some of these Christmas dilemmas. Last year I decided that we would do alot of homemade gifts. I wanted to really put something of myself into it, and I wanted my son to have to put effort into his gifts too. It ended up being way too much! It was nice in some ways, but it also created a lot of stress that didn’t need to be be there. I’ve realized that a store-bought gift can be just as beautiful and meaningful as something homemade. I’m sure I will do homemade gifts in the future, but I’m no longer feeling like they have to be handmade to have value.

We do not have any set rules for gift-giving in our immediate family. We get what we feel moved to get and don’t have limitations on the quantity, though we do have an unwritten sense of when too much is too much. But there’s no rule, like “only two gifts each”. I do try to avoid plastic junk toys. I’d rather give my kids fewer toys that are higher quality, and we also give lots of books and CD’s.

As far as extended family, I think we keep it pretty well in check. With dh’s family, we draw names among the individual adults. With my family, we draw names as couples/families. The cousins also draw names and have a very small money limit.

I love gift-giving! I usually start planning Christmas months in advance. I have to remind myself to let my dh get involved, otherwise I can easily have everythingt purchased and stored away and then remember that he hasn’t gotten to pick anything for the kids.

I like it when people have a wish-list. It is frustrating for me to buy gifts for people, like my dh, who don’t have any hobbies or overwhelming interests, but seem to think it is tacky to tell you what they would like.
namakemono
November 12th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

Great post, and wonderful ideas!

One year for my father (who was terminally ill and bedridden in a care facitily, so really didn`t “need” anything) I made a calendar of my kids` art work from over the previous year (colour photo-copied and reduced etc as necessary), The kids each chose page/s and decorated them – drew more pictures, stuck stickers, glitter glue etc etc. We wrote in all the family birthdays and other events we wanted to. The hardest bit was trying to figure a way to make the pages tear off. It was a lot of fun, and he really enjoyed having it.
Justine
November 12th, 2008 @ 2:27 pm

oooohhhhh, I’m so scroogy! Especially this year, where our 401(k) is looking more like an emaciated and shriveled egg, I keep telling the kids they’re all getting oranges for Christmas.

The older kids, though, all pooled their money and worked extra chores around the house to earn extra money so they could buy their baby brother something pretty expensive. It was really cool to watch them work so hard for something they knew would make him happy.

I don’t even want to start shopping. There are just too many people that I love to adequately give them all a token of my love at Christmas time. How do you guys do that!!? If I went completely home-made, I would’ve had to have started back in February!
jendoop
November 12th, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

My attitude on gifts has evolved.

Growing up we never had enough so as soon as I went out on my own I used by brand new credit card to buy nice gifts for my parents and siblings. Even after paying the bill for quite a while I didn’t regret it.

One of those years of not quite having enough we were the receivers of sub for Santa for the ward. It was shocking because we didn’t think we were THAT poor. Something it communicated to me even at a young age is that a true gift is not earned. The people who gave us those gifts didn’t know me, didn’t know if I had been naughty or nice but wanted to give me something really good.

That is the feeling I hope to give my children on Christmas morning. That no matter what they have or haven’t done they are worth a gift or even 5. Not measured in teaspoons but filled up and running over. No, gifts don’t equal love but stinginess can make a child pause and wonder.
shelah
November 12th, 2008 @ 4:12 pm

Great minds, Foxy J. I just posted a Christmas gifts thread at fMh. I often feel totally overwhelmed at Christmas. We give our kids four gifts– a book, a dvd, something from Santa and one other thing. We also do a book on Christmas Eve. But even with only four gifts per kid from us, when you add in the grandparents, great-grandparents and godparents, the room is swimming in gifts by the end of the morning and I’m feeling totally overwhelmed. I wish I knew how to instill the feeling that giving and receiving is about love and friendship instead of about getting, but I’m not there yet. We always do sub for Santa and Toys for Tots and some kind of Christmas charity, but it still feels like the focus for my kids is on what they’re getting. We also have a 12/23 birthday, which adds to the “too much stuff in too little time” feeling.
CatherineWO
November 12th, 2008 @ 11:23 pm

My favorite gifts (to give and receive) are photographs. Not a digital file attached to an email, but real, honest-to-goodness-printed-on-photo-paper photographs. Add a hand-written letter, and it’s even better.

Another favorite gift is an event that creates a lasting memory. For example, my mother always took us to see the Nutcracker when I was a child, so last year I took three of my grandchildren to a professional performance of this classic Christmas ballet. I bought them each an illustrated book of the story and a cd of the music a couple of weeks before the perfomance, so they already hand some familiarity with it ahead of the big night. It turned out to be a gift for myself. Nothing could be more enjoyable than watching children you love wrapped up in joy. It was pure delight. This year there are four children anxiously awaiting the special night when we will see the Nutcracker again. [This is not an inexpensive gift, so it means I have to limit other gifts, but no one has complained.]

As for giving to extended family and friends, we make charitable contributions in their names. Some of our favorites are the LDS Perpetual Education Fund, LDS Humanitarian Services and Heifer International.
Kathy
November 12th, 2008 @ 11:40 pm

Food Food and more Food. The year we gave away homemade salsa and chips was the one where we received the most comments. Usually, we just plate up some goodies and pass around… that seems to be a standard around here.
MissMel
November 13th, 2008 @ 12:09 am

Something to wear, something to read, something you want, something you need…
that’s what we are doing this year.
Michelle Glauser
November 13th, 2008 @ 8:44 am

I’m a re-gifter. I don’t see why that’s looked down upon, though. If I don’t need/want it, why not pass it along to someone who might? In the past I’ve painted pictures for each member of my family. I also hate clutter, but I’m always surprised by the generosity of gifts that my friend Tanya gives. There are always several objects, and they’re obviously ones she has thought about and connected to me in some way. That’s not to say they weren’t on sale or something, but I feel bad when my gift to her is a postcard or something . . . Anyway, just some random thoughts.
mormonhermitmom
November 13th, 2008 @ 11:24 am

We’ve done soup mix for neighbors in the past. We usually can only do one gift for each child, and then our sibling draw names so we all just have to buy a gift for one sibling. For grandmas and grandpas we do a photo calendar or a photo book because we live far away and they are to the point where they really don’t need much. I kind of like the movie night in a box though.
de-clutter queen
November 14th, 2008 @ 9:36 pm

I may be obsessive/compulsive about this, but because I came from a very cluttered home/family, I absolutly cannot stand having STUFF around in my house. My motto is “Have NOTHING in your home that you do not know to be either truly useful or truly beautiful.”

I cringe at the idea of offending any of you who lovingly make homemade gifts. Yours are probably beautiful. I only offer the following comment to those who may feel guilty that they don’t have the time or energy to hand make stuff. Please forgive my offensiveness.

Most of the homemade gifts I have received are so amateurish and unneeded that they almost always get tossed in my next salvation army trip. I live on the East Coast, far from Utah family, so they don’t necessarily see this discarding going on. And I dread the day we might move back to Utah and have to answer for one of those loving, truly unwanted gifts. Even a professional looking quilt I received once didn’t match the color scheme I really wanted, and after years of keeping it in a closet, I finally parted with it.

I vote for giving people theater tickets or restaurant gift certificates (or massage, or babysitting). Truly enjoyable things that leave no material trace. The downside of this is that the amount of money you spent is apparent–tacky in many circles, I know. In that case, I agree with the food disposable gifts when possible. Perfume and lotions are supposed to be disposable too, but at the rate I go through them, they’re not, so I end up donating them to humnitarian kits. I don’t have good answers for what gifts to give to people who love gifts; I just do the best I can. But just in the interest of airing the other side: not everybody honestly appreciates homemade gifts. They make me feel guiltier about parting with them then something bought (which I also freely discard as needed.) They also make me uncomfortable when it comes my turn to reciprocate. I can’t make anything beautiful enough to be worth keeping, so my raw time investment in the return gift will not equal the one I’ve received.