Take it Like a Lady

Posted by Carina | September 24, 2008 | 35 Comments

“Oh, it’s nothing, it took no time whatsoever,” you tell the Relief Society president, when really it took hours.

“No, I really hate the way it makes me look,” you said to your husband.

“Ugh, I need to get it cut, it’s so scraggly,” you griped to your friend when she said how cute your hair looks.

Ladies! Knock it off! It’s time you do something, something you’ve been putting off—

You need to learn to take a compliment, and take it gracefully.

I tend to make small New Year’s Resolutions in the hope that I will actually make a change in my life. One year I decided I would have better posture. I put up a note on my monitor at work that read “Sit up!” and gradually over the course of months, I learned to pull on the imaginary string on my head to elongate my spine and sit up straight. I bought better bras to stop the slouching (yes, I said bra) and it all made a difference. I like those kind of achievable goals.

One of my favorite resolutions ever was to learn to take a compliment gracefully. It drove me nuts that every thank you was followed by a tear down. Thanks, but I’m so fat. Thanks, but it’s a terrible color. Thanks, but he’s such a screamer baby. No buts! It wasn’t just me; I couldn’t stand to hear how my friends couldn’t take a compliment either.

The person giving you the compliment doesn’t want to hear about how their judgment is specious. Thanks for telling me you like my hair, now here’s why you’re wrong. You wouldn’t tell your boss, “Thanks for the raise, but I really don’t deserve more than an extra $100, or maybe some new pens.” That’s insane!

I decided to be the change I wanted to see in the world and take a compliment. It was actually easier than I thought it would be, I started by saying “Thank you” and leaving it there. I would swallow the tack-on, the tear-down, and the redirection. Pretty soon it was a pleasure to receive a compliment, not a rush and panic to find out how I could negate it. You can do it too, you can take a compliment.

There are two steps to accepting a compliment:

Express gratitude.
Don’t say anything to take away from the compliment.

Why don’t we practice?

“I love your new haircut,” I say to you.

“Thank you,” you respond.

“Your home is so cute,” I gush.

“Thank you,” you say.

I loved your article,” I say.

“Thank you,” you smile.

That was step one and two in accepting a compliment. How do you feel?

Advanced compliment-takers can both express gratitude and add on an affirming statement.

“Your car is so clean,” I marvel.

“Thank you, I try to keep it tidy,” you say.

“This cake is delicious,” I enthuse.

“Thank you, it’s my grandmother’s recipe,” you confide.

“You rock at Guitar Hero!” I laugh.

“Thanks, I like to practice,” you giggle.

Variations on thank you: how kind of you, how sweet of you to say, I love it too, it is a great color.

It’s not the New Year, but who needs the Gregorian calendar to tell you when to make a small change in your life to becoming a better person? Can you do it? Will you learn to take a compliment graciously?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

35 Responses to “Take it Like a Lady”

wendy
September 24th, 2008 @ 10:39 am

Awesome, Carina! I love this. It’s something I got pretty good at in college, thanks to a professor’s example. I love when a compliment is received well, and I think most of the time, I am a “good” recipient. It has felt much healthier and happier to be so.

Great post!
Sue
September 24th, 2008 @ 10:50 am

Oh gosh, that’s so hard. Accepting a compliment feels like acknowledging the truth of it – almost reveling in it. It feels conceited.

I know that’s silly, but it’s true. My immediate response is usually to deny it and then to find something to compliment the other person on, which, let’s face it, always comes off fake. They KNOW you are only saying that because they said something first. But I can’t help it. It’s an illness.
Carina
September 24th, 2008 @ 10:56 am

You CAN help it.

Start with “Thank you” and that’s it. Swallow the rest.

You can always say “Thank you, and I love yours too.”
mellocello
September 24th, 2008 @ 11:19 am

I am pretty good at accepting compliments, but like Sue says, I think most of the time people actually expect me to deny it or be humble about it, which I almost never do. Because of this, I think people who don’t know me very well get a first impression of me that is incorrect; that I am stuck-up and conceited. It’s sad that we kind of expect people to deny compliments, but it is very common for women to do that. I do always try to return a compliment when I get one though. That is great advice, Carina.
Annette
September 24th, 2008 @ 11:26 am

This whole thing drives me nuts! A similar issue is when women apologize before answering a question, like, “I’m not really an expert” or “I’m not that smart, but . . .” or “I could be wrong,” when they know full well they’re an expert, smart, and absolutely right about something.

I think a lot of it is ingrained in women culturally. Reading Deborah Tannen’s work (especially “You Just Don’t Understand”) has been majorly eye-opening about this kind of thing.

Thanks for addressing this, Carina!
Andrea R
September 24th, 2008 @ 11:58 am

I am guilty of this as well. I’ve been trying to take compliments more, rather than saying, “Thanks, but…” I wonder if we are afraid to take a compliment graciously because we’re worried that it sounds prideful? Great post!
Emily M.
September 24th, 2008 @ 12:15 pm

I have the hardest time taking compliments about my kids. Other things too, but with my kids, I feel compelled to point out that the behavior they are being complimented on right now is not what happens at home.

Good post. And a good goal for this week.
Blue
September 24th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

Well written! (“Why thank you Blue!”)

It goes along well with the thoughts I’ve had brewing and stewing lately about the matter of comparison. There seems to be a link in our minds between complimenting and comparing…as if by the mere act of noticing something about another, one is automatically comparing that thing to something in themselves. EG: I compliment you on your hair, because compared to mine, it’s far superior. That kind of thing is insidious too, and takes away from the sheer joy of celebrating everyone for their uniqueness and individuality, for their accomplishments and talents.

Facing the fact that we’re all different, and that the Lord WANTS us to be different because he needs all kinds of people with all different kinds of attributes/talents/experiences in order to accomplish his purposes, makes it easier to A) Love Oneself and B) Love Others for who they are. Anyway, just something that I’ve been mulling over recently. Again, loved your thoughts!
♥
jendoop
September 24th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm

Amen Sister!
This is something I’ve worked on in the past. It is amazing how much better you feel about yourself when you allow yourself to recognize an accomplishment. We make ourselves miserable by working so hard for something then not giving ourselves any of the credit. How is that motivating?

To add to what Blue said:
Last week I taught a primary class, the lesson happened to be on talents. It was great to have this lesson with 6 and 7 yr olds who will readily admit what they are good at. When they and their neighbor are good at something they realize it doesn’t negate the value of their talent. I’ve seen women who have great art talents hide them under a bushel because there is alread a designated ‘artist’ in the ward. Poop on that!
Zina
September 24th, 2008 @ 1:33 pm

Amen. (Although, like Emily, I sadly have a harder time taking compliments on my kids; I think it’s because I don’t want people to falsely think my family is perfect. So I’ll take your advice and work on that one.)
Geo
September 24th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm

Hey, I’m in the mood for a new year. I’ll take your challenge. What a great reminder, Carina, and so fun to read.

Note to Sue: You could always channel that impulse to return the kindness you just rebuffed (but won’t any more, right?); praise the complimenter for saying something to make your day (and then let what she said make your day).

Happy new year!
angie f
September 24th, 2008 @ 2:32 pm

I had a fabulously wise roommate in college who would help us all to conduct such practice sessions in our apartment. Sometimes we would jokingly do so in unison, but it helped avoid niggly self-deprecation. I never realized that I had graduated to “advanced compliment-takers” because that is my favorite way to do it, you like my hair, thanky you I have a great stylist, etc. I feel like it’s a way to give credit where it’s due and feel less self-conscious and prideful in the bargain. But, if I can’t find anything to add, I fall back on the training of my roommate, and say “thank you” and leave it at that.
wendy
September 24th, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

Angie f, I do something like you describe: “Thank you, I love this recipe, too! I got it from my sil.” Or even, “Thanks! I was so excited to find such a great dress!” I have even volunteered to my husband, “I love my hair today!” (which is a huge deal, because I’ve had a string of freaky cuts since my favorite hair dresser moved). I think it’s great to be excited about our abilities, blessings, and what have you.
Red
September 24th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm

Thank you for this advice. I’m sitting up straighter, too. (Wondering: do I need a new bra?) Next, please discuss NOT apologizing before giving a talk or lesson or even comment at church. Just don’t do it.
dalene
September 24th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm

Carina,

I love your post.

Amen.

Dalene
La Yen
September 24th, 2008 @ 3:51 pm

Is it sad that my affirming tack-on statement is almost always “Thanks! It’s from Target!”?

Maybe I need to get out more.
Justine
September 24th, 2008 @ 4:44 pm

I thrive on self-deprecating humor. Don’t take it from me!
Blue
September 24th, 2008 @ 5:39 pm

Oh, I forgot that a few years ago, my charming then six year old daughter started struggling with this issue herself. She would freeze up any time someone complimented her, and indeed, started avoiding anything that could call positive attention to herself (eg: not sharing her talents the way she always had, eschewing talks and prayers at church. stuff like that).

So I worked with her on this issue by first, explaining that for the rest of her life, she would have countless moments when she’d be on the receiving end of compliments, and that learning to accept them graciously was an essential skill. And second, teaching her that skill. We called it “Charm School”…because of one of the compliments. We practiced how to handle various situations just like you have in this post. EG:

Blue: “You have such beautiful eyes”
Bunch: “Why thank you. That’s kind of you to say.”

Blue: (pretending to be a grown up she didn’t know) “You sing so beautifully.”
Bunch: “Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Blue: (pretending to be a teenage boy) “You’re really cute.”
Bunch: “Charmed, I’m sure” (this one was more to induce a giggle and break up her nerves. She thought it was hilarious…as any six year old would!)

Another phrase was “Oh do go on”, said in a hoighty-toity voice (we laughed about that one a lot, too)

But the basic response was a simple “Thank you.” If she noticed something genuine about the other person that she’d like to comment on, that could be an opportunity to share it.

Our generations didn’t go to “Finishing School” or learn some of these subtle arts as youth. But it’s never too late to learn and grow, and Bunch is finally starting to get comfortable (it can take time…that’s okay!) with this aspect of life. If an 11 year old can do it, so can we!
♥,
Blue
cornnut32
September 24th, 2008 @ 5:59 pm

“thank you!”

i’m learning how to say those two words…

….who knew it could be this hard?
m&m
September 24th, 2008 @ 7:13 pm

I appreciate this post. Thank you.

For me, though, there is another layer to taking a compliment. I have been counseled in a very specific blessing to learn to turn the compliments of others to the glorification of God. After all, He is the giver of all blessings, including any abilities He gives us.

So I’d be interested in others’ thoughts on how to do that graciously and in a way that isn’t annoying or doesn’t sound forced or fake.

On the flip side, Pres. Hinckley was the king of self-depricating humor, so is that all bad? Maybe it depends on one’s sense of well-being.
m&m
September 24th, 2008 @ 7:14 pm

BTW, just to tell you what this post did for me — I called my VT and told her a sincere thanks for the kind things she had said today during our visit, and for her genuine support.

How’s that for an immediate impact of your post?
Shelah
September 24th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

All I can add is a hearty “thank you!”
wendy
September 24th, 2008 @ 8:47 pm

m&m, I like your question . . . how to turn compliments into the glorification of God without sounding annoying or fake.

I haven’t thought of verbally doing that, but I have thought of mentally making note of it because of some scriptures I’ve read:

When Nephi is having his tree of life vision, the Spirit of the Lord asks him first thing if he believes his father saw the tree. When Nephi says he does, the Spirit praised God before he said anything else.

Earlier, after Nephi tells Lehi he will “go and do,” he writes that Lehi “was exceedingly glad, for he knew that I had been blessed of the Lord.” It struck me that Nephi doesn’t get credit for being a good guy, but the Lord gets the credit.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about those examples for a while, but hadn’t considered actually SAYING anything outloud in conversations, as you suggested. I think it wouldn’t be too hard to do so in giving a compliment (“you have a gift . . . “, but more difficult in receiving them. Anything I can think up sounds cheesy and weird.

Red, Amen on not apologizing for our teaching, speaking, or commenting in church!

Re: self-deprecating humor, I think using it as humor is different from being self deprecating because we either feel that bad, are fishing for validation, or simply just don’t know how to take a compliment. If it’s humorous, it can be funny. If it’s the others, it’s more likely to be annoying, and certainly isn’t coming from the side of strength. I am guilty of this at times–which stating so isn’t self-deprecating, but a matter of self-awareness.
rebecca
September 24th, 2008 @ 8:51 pm

There are many reasons why I love you Carnia.. but this is a good one…

For those of you who feel like they HAVE to say something back (it can be hard to just stop at the Thank You for some of us…we actually might have to work up to that). You can say “thank you–that is so nice”. You have actually complimented THEM to while accepting the compliment. Everyone wins.

I learned this with my older kids. When people comment on them I have the tendancy to shoot it down, but then I realized that they can HEAR me and I wouldn’t want them to hear me saying negative things about them…so now when I get a compliment I say, THANK YOU, that is so nice/ we think so too/ I really appreciate it. It is amazing how it works. So sometimes I just pretend that I should always pretend that my kids are with me and say what I would want them to hear….
m&m
September 24th, 2008 @ 9:34 pm

Anything I can think up sounds cheesy and weird.

I know. That is why I asked for others’ ideas, because I feel that I’m supposed to do more than just inwardly reflect on God’s mercy – that I need to vocally give Him the glory.

So, as an example, when I was Gospel Doctrine teacher and I might get a compliment, I would sometimes say something like, “The Spirit is good to us in that class.”

I have also sometimes tried to field a compliment by simply acknowledging whatever they are complimenting as a gift from God.

It depends on the person, though. It’s not always easy or even appropriate to go that direction. Sometimes a simple thank you really is best. But it is something I think about a lot, and it does help me to remember that even as I work toward things, in the end, even the fact that I breathe from day to day is a gift, so somehow it all goes back to Him, not me.
wendy
September 24th, 2008 @ 11:27 pm

“The Spirit is good to us . . . ” I like that.

And I think the “gift from God” approach is good. It reminded me, I do often give God the credit when I find a good outfit . . . because it really is a miracle when I do!

I would like to hear others’ ideas, too.
rynell
September 24th, 2008 @ 11:37 pm

Great post! I also dislike hearing self-depreciating comments in return for compliments.

Lately, I have been trying to teach my 9 year-old daughter the art of saying “Thank you” gracefully. Maybe if she learns it now, she will never slink away into negative replies when someone says something nice to her.
jendoop
September 25th, 2008 @ 8:29 am

About giving God some credit in our successes- This has extremes. One is the football player who automatically thanks God for his touchdown although absolutely nothing in his private life demonstrates a belief in God.
The other extreme is someone who is successful, capitalizing on the bounty of the earth and God’s goodness while attributing it to purely their own genius.

As is usual the appropriate response lies somewhere in between the two extremes. We know that “..in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.” (D&C 59:21)

Keeping that in mind we should also keep sacred things sacred. We are not required to tell the whole world that we have a certain talent because God forgave us of a huge sin and through that we acquired this gift.

Also, remember what it may sound like to others. If I acknowledge casually that something was a gift from God will the listener assume that I had to do nothing to receive the gift? That God loves me so much that he blessed me with it magically as if a fairy godmother? We must acknowledge that we had to work, pray, obey the commandments, seek the spirit and after all we could do we received a blessing from the Lord. Let others learn from the way we live that often our blessings are the result of our work with God.
Now I’m thinking of exeptions, like having beautiful blue eyes was not due to work on our part. Hopefully you get my drift however short-sighted.
Danielle
September 25th, 2008 @ 9:57 am

I love everything about this post. Thank you!
Rachel
September 25th, 2008 @ 11:16 am

So true! I love you writing. Thanks
Rachel
September 25th, 2008 @ 11:17 am

Oops, I meant your writing
m&m
September 25th, 2008 @ 7:14 pm

Hopefully you get my drift however short-sighted.

I think I do get your drift. There is balance and discernment needed in all of this, and I hope that was apparent in my comments as well.

I am certainly not advocating sharing what we shouldn’t or anything extreme. I do find that it helps me, though, to try to be open to opportunities to acknowledge God’s hand in my life — not in a way that makes it sound prideful or fake or entitled or privileged above others or anything like that, but genuinely to remember that even with my effort, it’s still really about Him and His work. And that should be why I do anything anyway, no?

But now I hope you get my drift. Just like anything else, balance and discernment are important.
Kelli @ writing the waves
September 26th, 2008 @ 6:24 pm

I’ve still never played Guitar Hero…I need to check that out.

Great advice. A genuine “thank you” is always a good way to go. No one likes to hear others put themselves down. It defeats the whole purpose of the compliment!
Jill
September 27th, 2008 @ 7:44 pm

Years and years ago when I was in YW (as a YW) our Mia Maid advisor gave a lesson on this very thing. She went around the room and complimented each of us for something, and we all made a negative (or in my case, sarcastic) comment about her compliment. She then gave us the lesson on saying “Thank you” and went around the room with compliments again, and again and again……….
We got to practice saying “Thank you” and nothing else. I remember how difficult that was, but strangely enough, it was one of the few YW lessons that I really remember.
In the (many) years since, I have tried to do this. I can’t say that I’ve always been sucessful however, when I start to deny a compliment, I hear my YW leader’s voice saying “Just say thank you. Nothing more.”
I have, however, developed a rather annoying habit of agreeing with people when they give a compliment to me for my children.
“Why yes, we think they’re cute too!”
Sometimes people don’t know how to take this;0)
Kacy Faulconer
September 30th, 2008 @ 5:18 pm

So where did you get your new bras?