That’s Nervy

Posted by Justine | June 27, 2009 | 20 Comments

42-15530351 My youngest is pre-school age, and in the fall, I’m likely to have some time to myself for the first time in 13 years. I’ve been considering some ways I might pick up some freelance of part-time/at home work, just to make some extra pocket money. Teach piano lessons? Start a neighborhood pre-school? Do some more serious writing? Contract at my old job? All seem like lovely ideas to expand my mind and broaden my possibilities.

I’ll be perfectly honest, and please don’t trample on my delicate offerings.

I’m terrified.

I’m not sure what I’m afraid of, exactly, but I do know this. In the last decade, part of me has disappeared. In the mid-90′s, I had a secretary, I traveled all over the place, I walked with confidence, and spoke with authority (probably even arrogance). I negotiated contracts, wore power suits, and once even scolded Julio Eglasias.

Now, I’m a big fat mushy pile of warm and melting jello. I don’t know who that person was all those years ago. I don’t know how to find her. I don’t really want all of her back. I don’t want the office or the meetings; the pressure and the travel schedule.

But I would like to do something. Something!

I’m just so afraid I’ll blow it. Am I capable of all those things anymore? Has my mind been forever muddled by Big Bird and Pampers? Should I just be content to ramble on a blog that has to take me because I’m free? Maybe I’ll just take up Sudoku.

I’m looking for ways to gird up my loins, to square my shoulders, to jump back in the saddle, to ply myself into any one of a number of appropriate trite phrases.

I’ve become a willow, and I’d like some of the old oak back.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

20 Responses to “That’s Nervy”

Lindsay
June 27th, 2009 @ 8:59 am

I feel like I’m in a similar situation, but on the other end of the spectrum: the end before the kids, before the success. I’ve always had big dreams and big plans–charge in and change the world kind of plans–and I’m a year away from finishing grad school and finally (finally!) so close to where I’ve always dreamed of being, and I find myself shrinking under the pressure of it all. Where is my blind ambition now? My absolute faith that things will work together for my good because I will MAKE them? My excitement to conquer the professional world and prove myself?

And I realize, late but not too late, that things will indeed work together for my good; perhaps not in the way I’ve dreamed of, but in a way that’s better. And that tendrils of fear have no place among my saplings of hope.
Merry Michelle
June 27th, 2009 @ 9:30 am

It’s funny, I’m making all sorts of wild plans and exciting dreams for the day when I have time to myself. I’m going into psychiatry, no creative writing, no I’ll be a temple worker, or all of the above. But I can definitely see it being scary when it’s right in front of you. For what it’s worth I think the unknown is also scary, but it cam also be exciting. Look on the bright side and follow the spirit as you make these decisions. It will all turn out fine.
dalene
June 27th, 2009 @ 9:54 am

Oh Justine–what fun! I found myself in a similar situation a few years back. Aside from some occasional freelancing, I had been out of the work force for over 17 years. When I’d left PCs were just becoming a part of a day at the office. When I came back (I wasn’t planning on coming back quite so soon, but the spirit moved me to answer a classified ad and made me stick with my training even when I almost quit) I found myself in a world completely different than the one I left.

I’ll be honest, there was a bit of a learning curve. But it has been a great adventure. I know you. You are smart and talented and pretty much amazing. Whatever you decide to do (and I know you too will be blessed and guided as you go) you will do well. Extremely well.

Of that I have no doubt.
LDS lady
June 27th, 2009 @ 10:00 am

I’m in your boat too, and still waiting for answers. Got called into the RS presidency, which will keep me a little busier. Still feeling aimless, unconfident about who the old me was and if I could be her again, and terrified of leaving my comfort zone while also foreseeing enough boredom that I need to. Keep posting about what you figure out!
traci
June 27th, 2009 @ 10:28 am

I do relate. Altho not everything is the same.
1st off: DO NOT START A PRE SCHOOL ETC, AND BRING MORE CHILDREN IN, AS YOUR LAST ONE LEAVES, A LITTLE! Give yourself a little break at least! Just Sayin’

Small baby steps, writing, taking a class, part time work, small steps, because the world is different than when you left it – and

COURAGEOUS ACTS MAKE COURAGE – WHAT IS COURAGE? TAKING A DEEP BREATH, AND DOING THE FEARFUL THING ANYWAY!

good luck, you’ll do fine!

I feel like my brain cells are not communicating often, because well, it’s like they don’t have to. So I force myself to write and study and read and talk about things more than yogurt making. A new word I have taken on since I have become a stay home is: It all takes Effort!
and sometimes that is overwhelming.
Faith.Not.Fear
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:02 am

I’m in the same boat My youngest enters first grade this year, and tight times mean my return to the workforce, at least part-time. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there, and I feel nervous, too! (Not going to use the word “fear!”)

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1) Look to your personal Liahonas — prayer, scripture study, your patriarchal blessing, priesthood blessings, the temple. Listen for the Lord’s list of your talents, gifts, and even job ideas!

2) Remember that, although you may not have been “in the workforce,” you HAVE been working. Make a list of the skills you have been using in household management, church callings, etc. Find a way to include applicable ones in your resume. You are NOT skill-less!!!

3) Look honestly at the amount of time you want to spend “at work” compared to the time you will have. I realized that my desire to work AND be there at the crossroads for my kids needed to be guided by the hours my children are in school — not easy, but I felt it important.

4) Figure out what you LOVE doing! Find out where someone will pay you to do it!

5) Ask people who do what you love to do how they got their jobs, and if they know of any openings.

6) Quoting my Children’s Lit teacher, “If you want to make money, write an informational book.”

If you want to write a novel, picture book, etc. though, and you NEED the money, the folks at the Writing & Illustrating for Young Readers Workshop said “Get out.”
Or, I would say, at least have realistic expectations (getting published can take years!), and a side job for funds in the meantime!

May God bless us all in these stormy seas!
Th.
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:03 am

.

I haven’t finished it yet, but I’m reading a so-far-quite-good book on this idea of us being different people at different times, Gravity Vs. the Girl. I’ve been trying to break my life down into the different people who lived the different parts for a few days now.
Melissa M.
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:18 am

Justine, this has been my dilemma for the past five years (my youngest is ten now!), trying to figure out who I am now and what I want to do. I’m still very busy with my kids, but I now have pockets of downtime that I need to fill constructively. And I’m still trying to find myself. The thing that has been the biggest challenge for me is regaining my self-confidence in the working/professional realm. I now feel unskilled, but I used to teach college English classes, for heaven’s sake. I do think that prayer is the key as you try to decide what your next step should be. Good luck!!!
Carol
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:36 am

Justine, I love your post! I completed a BA and M.Ed. in four years, and after raising four children and care for my elderly mom for many years, feel my brain has turned to mush. Oh, I read hundreds of book a year, teach a class here and there, but the smart, savvy, hard-driven young woman is gone.

In her place is a kinder, more compassionate, and less judgmental person. Although I would love to have my brain back in its totality, I am grateful for the lessons learning from mothering, serving, and nurturing.

I’ve done some freelancing, speak at schools and community groups, and write a lot, but I find my greatest joy continues to be serving my family–which now include five amazing grandchildren. I’ve also discovered meditation (wish I’d learn how to do it years ago), and that has increased my peace and decreased my stress.

I enjoyed reading all the posts. I agree with Melissa that prayer helps a lot. A word of warning: I prayed the prayer of Jabez–asking the Lord to use me more fully–and was overwhelmed with service opportunities. Like my friend Beth says, “Watch out what you pray for.”
Cindy
June 27th, 2009 @ 2:36 pm

2 weeks into my “all kids are in school now” life, I was bored silly. I enrolled in college and while I am busier than I ever have been, I am loving it and find out more about myself.
Angela
June 27th, 2009 @ 3:22 pm

I think moms over the age of 35 or so are some of the best-equipped members of our society for all sorts of things: we can be excellent students, excellent employees, excellent entrepreneurs. We’ve learned judgment and empathy, we have a good work ethic and know how to organize. The older female students I’ve worked with are great because they’re almost always *excited* to be learning in a way 20 year olds just aren’t.

Although it’s difficult and scary to jump back into a world we haven’t been a part of for a really long time, and although a learning curve undoubtedly exists, I’m a firm believer that a “brain gone to mush” is much the same thing as a body gone to mush: given a little time and effort and it’s surprising how fast your brain (just like your body) responds. Exercise is a great example: although my 37 year old body is much more battle-worn than my 20 year old body was, I appreciate it more now, take better care of it. I think the same is true of our minds.

Besides, Justine, you rock. You’ll be great at whatever you choose to do.
jks
June 27th, 2009 @ 5:18 pm

Are you sure you can’t think of a million ways you have tackled new responsibilities over the last 13 years? I think that you are making this into a HUGE deal, when really it is a small change in your life.
I taught piano to one student plus two of my kids for a year. I got pregnant and then had a baby so it was no longer feasible, so I dropped my paying student and signed my kids up. My oldest still has a teacher, but I’m teaching my next two kids.
Just because I started teaching piano didn’t mean it was a commitment forever. It was interesting and fun, and I was a little scared. It was uncomfortable to talk to potential clients and be clear about my time contraints (I have four kids). But it worked out and I enjoyed it.
So explore some ideas, and if it pans out great! If it doesn’t pan out, don’t worry about it. It is all good experience. In a couple of years your youngest will be in school longer and you might find some better options.
I get the feeling scared thing. I had to really push myself about the piano teaching. I just told myself it was good for me.
Also, you have to remember that when your kids come home you are back on the clock. It’s not like you don’t already have your brain working to manage their development and manage your household. The couple hours of preschool your brain probably is balking at something so big and overwhelming because it would prefer some down time rather than new responsibilities.
In other words, my job of taking care of four kids is so big that I do not think I could turn myself off to go to another job at this point. Those couple hours would just feel like time to run errands or time to pay the bills. But then, my fourth child is one. My third is going to kindergarten in the fall so I am excited about a couple hours of having a napping baby and no other kids home. Could I cure cancer during those couple of hours? No. I am hoping that it is more like a lunch break, plus some housework, and then when my kids come home and I’m on again for 6 straight hours I will have the emotional and physical and mental energy to raise four children with my sanity and patience intact (and I am SO ready for a slightly cleaner house!!!! I can’t tell you how ready I am for it).
elizabeth-w
June 27th, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

My youngest is in first grade this fall, and I am thrilled–kindergarten is just enough time to go grocery shopping by myself and that is about it.
Here’s my schedule for the next 12 years or so–at least 6?
Mondays (grocery shopping, housework, visiting teaching)
Tues-Thursday (working–I’m a psychotherapist)
Friday(Temple, housework, time in kids’ classrooms)
Wednesdays have been my Primary day–in a presidency–so that stuff is going to have to be assigned to Monday/Friday, too.
I think you’re setting the bar too high. I say until the youngest in in full-day school, just enjoy the few hours of quiet to do whatever needs to get done. jks has it right. Enjoy it!
Jenny
June 27th, 2009 @ 7:53 pm

I think we DO have a lot in common. I’ve been struggling with this same awakening/fear for the past nine months or so, and have really enjoyed this blog:
http://daretodream.typepad.com/weblog/
Whitney is a champion at helping women realize their dreams. I’m still working on mine. Take time for YOU.
gurrbonzo
June 27th, 2009 @ 7:58 pm

You can do it! This isn’t a decision you only get to make once. You can try something and if you don’t like it, try something else. It’s easy to get paralyzed into doing nothing bc we don’t know if it’s right, but you may as well do something (BUT NOT THE PRESCHOOL). If nothing else, it will be productive to rule stuff out as you try it and realize it’s not for you.

You can do it. I recently wrote a paper about “off-ramping and on-ramping”(employees who timeout of careers and the challenges they face trying to time back in) bc I am in the process of “off-ramping.” Most of the research indicates that the primary challenge is almost always confidence and on-rampers (mostly women) second-guess themselves like CRAZY. You can do it. Yes, you know lots about Big Bird and Pampers, but that’s only one part of you. Sure, it’s the most recent part. But you still have the same skills you had in your powersuit days; in fact, those skills are even more honed by years of multitasking and patience-building. So are you capable of doing what you did before? Of course! You have way MORE to offer now than you did however many years ago. You will do a great job at whatever you choose to do.
wendy
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:52 pm

This was so good to read, Justine. I see you as very capable, yet I really get where you’re coming from (even though it’s not been that long since I officially left the professional world, I checked out some time ago). I WISH I had thirteen years ahead of me before I had to start thinking those things. It is scary!! But also doable and exciting and really potentially fantastic!

When I find myself thinking about this subject, I vascillate between getting really energized by the possibilities and really petrified by the whole notion of expanding to more than pampers. I like your oak/willow comparison.

I wonder what you’ll do? You can do anything and make it awesome. I bet you’ll have a blast!
m&m
June 27th, 2009 @ 11:54 pm

Justine,

Here’s my thought – you don’t give yourself enough credit. Those of us who know you know better than what you said here. I know in the end how you feel affects so much, but know that those who know you know that you are made of tough stuff, and are very, very talented and capable.

But I will say this — pray, as I know you will. I had a list this last year that was long and noble, and things had a way of not turning out quite as I thought they would.

I also have been amazed at how much my kids still need me (in some ways, I think they need me more) and so there is the flip fear (which is more mine at this point) of doing too MUCH and not having the energy and mental focus that they need at this stage of our lives.

And for every woman, I think that all will look different, so lean on Him. Again, I know you will.
Angie
June 28th, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

I hear you. I love being a mom, and that will be my primary focus for a long time to come, but I haven’t worked in my primary field for almost 10 years, and have been feeling like I ought to do SOMETHING to update my resume. But where to start, when I’m out of the loop, out of practice, and even my career related references have probably moved away or forgotten me? I was blessed to have a vary part time opportunity drop into my lap, and I feel like that’s the correct next step, but I still have to figure out how to reinvent myself as a professional. Hopefully I will be wiser and more effective for the experiences of the past decade, but first I have to remember how to navigate that adult world. . . .I’m excited to hear the updates of where you feel guided to contribute in the future. I’m sure whatever you do will be marvelous.
Justine
June 28th, 2009 @ 3:24 pm

I haven’t been able to read all these great comments until right now (family reunion fun). It’s always so nice to be reminded that I’m not the only one dealing with some of the strange vicissitudes of life that we all go through.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know that I’ve got to get over this! I’m forcing myself to do things that scare me in the hopes of overcoming some underlying feelings of inability.

I’m going to stick myself out there – do it with me? Do something that scares you. I’m too vain to tell you some of the silly things that scare me, but I’m going to try to get over it.

Part of it is the fact that, in large measure, I’m very content. I wonder sometimes if I feel the need to put myself back in the working world because of cultural pressures underfoot. I need to find out what the Lord has planned for me. I guess that’s what we’re all trying to figure out, eh?
m&m
June 28th, 2009 @ 4:35 pm

Part of it is the fact that, in large measure, I’m very content. I wonder sometimes if I feel the need to put myself back in the working world because of cultural pressures underfoot.

I think it can be complicated, too, because there is a real tension in our teachings, not just in the culture (while motherhood is an intense focus (think Sister Beck’s ‘Mothers Who Know” talk and many other teachings), there is also the recognition of the need to get as much education as we can – to be prepared for challenges, and sometimes that may include creative option-seeking for mothers along the way in their lives, too) — and I think that tension alone is evidence that only the Lord can help us know.