The Divorce: The Rest of the Story

Posted by Guest | December 16, 2009 | 20 Comments

Nan was gracious enough to guest post about divorce last week and now she’s written a follow-up post to answer some of the questions about her experience. She’ll be reading and answering your questions in the comments over the next few days. Thanks Nan!

It was Christmas Eve and the last of my children had been told that their father was leaving us. My daughter asked if she could sleep with me. Of course I said yes, but I don’t think we were much comfort to one another. During the holiday her friend came from Rick’s College and I’m sure they heard me crying in my room. My older daughter, who lived in an apartment, started coming by with friends, all of them trying to fix me up. In ignorance I did something thoughtless; I told my 14 yr. old son that since his father would not be living with us, he would have to be the priesthood holder for our home. This was a terrible responsibility to place on a struggling teenager. We were all struggling. My children love their father very much. I tried very hard to be fair and not to trash him. From the beginning, I felt that I had failed; I had not made my husband happy. The divorce was my fault. You see, I had read Fascinating Womanhood and I did not fit the profile.

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart when I met my husband in California. My fiancee was a wonderful young man from a fine family who had it all. I think I was in love with them both, but I chose to marry my husband because I thought I could help him make a success of his life. He seemed to need me. Doesn’t that sound adolescent? I was just turning 20. He was raised in an unstable family and had had a rough life. He was currently in the military and was newly activated in the church. He was attracted to me, because I had a wonderful family and came from a stable home. I prayed about this choice and I received a confirmation. Breaking my engagement was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Even though my parents were bitterly disappointed, they trusted me and gave me their support.

I idealized my parents. My mother was a well educated woman, but because I was raised during *the depression,* my parents deemed two years of college ample for their girls. Of course, the boys needed advanced degrees. My mother was very feminine, ladylike, mild mannered and long suffering. I considered her guileless and believed her to be the perfect mother, but I didn’t want to be like her. She seemed always to be in my father’s shadow. He ran the show, made all the important decisions, and told the jokes. She supported him in all things, let him be the life of the party and laughed at his jokes. I was taught to serve and support my future husband and to accept whatever life he made for me. The concept of planning my life, making important decisions, and setting personal goals was foreign to me.

I know my husband would have loved being married to a *fascinating woman.* On the other hand, he would have been happy if I had wanted a career. I neither wanted to be a fascinating woman, nor did I want a career. I did want to be a good wife and mother. We saved up grievances and we communicated mostly through the church or the children. He was critical, had a bad temper and yelled at me. In the 70’s I knew we needed counseling, but my husband refused to go. He was working for the federal government and having something in his file about seeing a shrink could have been damaging to his career. He told me I could get counseling, since I needed it more than he did. I went to therapy for two years and it was very helpful. After our Christmas 1980 separation he agreed to counseling, but it was too late, because he had already moved on with his life. I begged him to keep the family together, but he was convinced that he had found his soul mate. He almost had me convinced that he was making the right choice. I attended the temple searching for insights. The answer I received was that the adversary has power over those who break their covenants. He could not have been thinking clearly.

Well-meaning people advised me to move to Utah, but the best advice I was given was to stay put, where we had a support system and the children could see their father. I quickly let go of resentment. The kids had enough to deal with. They didn’t need me trashing their father. The next best advice was not to file for divorce; let him be the one to file. I took a job as a receptionist in a large company and stayed there three years. It took me that long to get the confidence to accept an excellent job that I enjoyed doing. The only problem with the job was that I had to travel on a monthly basis. That meant that I could not finish raising my youngest son. This was very painful for me. I let him live with his father and step-mother and he was able to stay in our old home and finish high school. They did a fine job taking care of him and he ended up as student body president and received the Outstanding Student Award for the State of Texas. He is currently pursuing a Ph.D. program in Psychology.

I used a more mature criteria in choosing my current husband. He was a practicing Bishop who had cared for an invalid wife with MS for 10 years before she died. He is loving, accepting, secure within himself and has a marvelously positive attitude. He likes adventure and loves music and travel. He has lovely children who were out of the house when we married. This made our adjustment much easier. He accepted my children with no reservations. My older son is a highly successful professional. My older daughter is a fitness specialist working in the health care industry. My younger daughter has worked as a media personality in the communications field. All have wonderful children and love the gospel.

I am far happier with my current husband, but I would have sacrificed that to have kept an intact family for my 4 children. My children have turned out to be responsible, capable and devoted to their parents, though I don’t think they ever got over the trauma of the divorce. They learned to accept and to cope, but the pain of a fractured family remains.

My divorce left me with some insecurities that I didn’t have before. Sometimes I feel that my children are invisible. I feel sad that most people don’t even know that I have 4 children, so they don’t ask about them. When people who do know I have children ignore that, I sometimes talk about them gratuitously, because I want the acknowledgment and I want to give them a face.

I see God’s hand in my life. My decision to marry my first husband was not a mistake. My four unique children could not have been created by any other DNA. I would not change that for anything. He taught me many positive things that have enriched my life and made me a better person. My children are my legacy. I don’t take credit for their accomplishments or for the fine men and women they have become, but I gave them life and I loved them. I thank my children for their love and support and for trying to make me look good. So up to this point, that’s the rest of the story.

Comments

20 Responses to “The Divorce: The Rest of the Story”

M
December 17th, 2009 @ 12:02 am

I understand the value of seeing one’s past in a positive, spiritual light, but what advice would you give younger people today looking for a spouse? How much sway should spiritual feelings have in making a choice? We are taught on and on that our spiritual feelings should be applied to the important life decisions we make. If it turns out successfully, we were blessed for listening to the spirit. If it turns out to be less than ideal, we were deceived. This is a question that has boggled me for some time and I’d be interested in anyone’s thoughts.
Melissa
December 17th, 2009 @ 2:24 am

Thank you so much for sharing the rest of your story. I am very glad that you found a wonderful man and that your children are such a joy in your life. It is so true about the adversary having power over those who break covenants. So far my husband and I have stayed true to ours in the midst of our struggles. I hope that we will one day get this dance right. We both have sore feet and look forward to a time when the steps will come more easily, and the rehearsals will be more rewarding and less grueling. I don’t know if that is even possible, but I hope so. I cannot imagine enduring what you have endured, and you have done it with grace. Your children are pretty fortunate to have a mom who cares so much about them. <3
Kristin
December 17th, 2009 @ 3:45 am

I know this wasn’t directed toward me, but I was struck by this:

“We are taught on and on that our spiritual feelings should be applied to the important life decisions we make. If it turns out successfully, we were blessed for listening to the spirit. If it turns out to be less than ideal, we were deceived.”

Sometimes when we have listened to the spirit, the road is still really hard and may seem awful but that does not automatically mean we were deceived. Think of Nephi. He followed his father into the wilderness. Lots of cruddy things happened to him, often by the hands of his brothers. Does this mean he should have stayed in Jerusalem? Was he deceived? No.

Following the spirit will bring us that underlying feeling of peace, but it doesn’t guarantee a life where things go smoothly. We have to keep an eternal perspective and realize that our righteousness will not protect us from trials, it will just make it easier to pass through them, and qualify us for the blessings of the Atonement that we need to return to Father in Heaven again.

Sorry that was longer than I planned on!
M
December 17th, 2009 @ 9:43 am

Kristin, the question was meant for anyone. I was curious in tapping into both the individual perspectives and the collective wisdom found here. I guess we just need to accept that the Lord will not necessarily lead an individual on a predictable path of ease and conventionality if it means we’ll be made better people because of it or if something important (like children that would not have been had in any other way) emerges because our experiences .
Tiffany W.
December 17th, 2009 @ 9:47 am

well put kirsten.
marintha
December 17th, 2009 @ 10:29 am

M
I don’t think we are necessarily deceived if things turn out poorly, especially when it comes to marriage. I’m not sure God would tell us not to marry someone if everything is ok at the time. Getting an answer that the Lord approves of your decision in a spouse is simply not a guarantee that the other person won’t later make poor choices that could lead to divorce. I’ve heard from multiple people that they felt they did the right thing marrying someone, and then felt again they had the Lord’s blessing in divorce. Rarely have I heard someone actually say they felt deceived from the get go.

I do believe God can protect us from the mistakes of others, but so often does not. We wouldn’t grow much in this life if we were immune from the choices of others, even in choices that are at the magnitude of marriage.
Andria
December 17th, 2009 @ 10:34 am

I want to respond to M as well.

I got married at 25 to a great guy. Convert to the church. In the Elders Quorum Presidency. Married in the temple. I received a confirmation on this.

Yet, a year and a half later, he had left the church, was cheating on me and turned completely into another person.

I don’t think this invalidates the confirmation I received. It proved to me that another person’s free agency can have a HUGE impact on my life. And it doesn’t matter how right it was at the time we got married if both people are not living up to the covenants they made to each other. It didn’t matter how often I went to the temple, prayed, read my scriptures or sought out the Lord’s guidance. Because the other person wasn’t doing any of these things.

Those are just my thoughts on it.
jendoop
December 17th, 2009 @ 1:23 pm

Nan, Thanks for telling us a little more of your story. I hope that in your second marriage you feel valued and realize that the divorce wasn’t all your fault. This whole process of life is a learning experience, but a painful one.

I hope you have a great Christmas with your family.
FoxyJ
December 17th, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

Marriage and personal revelation is tricky, because marriage is a long-term commitment that involves more than one person. People can and do change, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. I think that the decision to marry should be taken seriously and it should involve revelation and feelings as well as ’studying it out in your mind’. My husband quit going to Church and stopped believing in God a few years ago. We went through a very rough time and separated for a few months because he didn’t want to be married anymore. When he wanted to come back and work things out it was a hard decision for me to make, especially when he told me he still wasn’t willing to go to Church with me. When I prayed I mostly got the answer that the decision was mine. We realized that for our kids it really was best that we stick together and work on our marriage (that was a good decision for us because we were both committed to it–plus he’s faithful to me and supports my church attendance). It’s been almost three years since we separated and I think in many ways our marriage is actually better than it has been in a long time (besides the Church issues). This is not where I thought I would be when I felt it was right to marry him and I never thought this would happen, but like someone said God often helps us work through our trials rather than taking them away.
anon this time
December 17th, 2009 @ 2:40 pm

Nan, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy that you have such a great second marriage.

I have been puzzled by the same questions as M. My husband’s first wife believes she experienced very strong spiritual guidance to get married even though they didn’t know each other very well. For his part, he was very young and very immature in some regards. He had served a mission and the next step was to get married. So he did.

Their marriage was doomed from the start due to mental illness and issues stemming from childhood abuse. Although they spent nearly 7 years in the marriage, including most of that in counseling, they got divorced and are both SO much happier and healthier now. They were very destructive for each other despite both remaining faithful and truly working hard to stay in the marriage. Plus they had children together.

How does one reconcile the “inspiration” to get married to someone when the marriage then turns into such a nightmare? They literally had issues from day one.
FoxyJ
December 17th, 2009 @ 2:40 pm

M–

One of my favorite talks on this subject is by Elder Holland and called “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=34316a4430c0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

He discusses this issue and uses the fact that people like Joseph Smith and Moses faced adversity after listening to the Spirit, and that this did not mean they had been deceived. It’s of my personal favorites.
M
December 17th, 2009 @ 4:16 pm

Thanks you all for responding and, of course, thanks for a thought-provoking post, Nan. It’s nice to hear other people’s thoughts once and awhile on topics I am confused by. FoxyJ, I’ll definitely read the talk you posted.
heathermommy
December 17th, 2009 @ 8:54 pm

I wonder if some times people think they have had a spiritual confirmation but really haven’t. A lot of times our emotions interfere with really being able to discern the spirit and I think really recognizing the spirit takes a lifetime of practice. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship we are so “high” on the exciting experience that I think we claim the spirit when it is something else.

I think we need to be extremely smart about getting married. And I think a lot of times we aren’t.
Nan
December 17th, 2009 @ 10:03 pm

M-1. When we choose a mate at a very young age, I think it is possible to confuse spiritual with emotional. 2. In the animal kingdom *survival of the fittest* brings together a mating that usually will produce healthy, intelligent, attractive offspring. Does that apply to humans? How important is physical attraction when choosing a mate? I just throw out these ideas for consideration.
In Elder Holland’s talk he says we need to use our minds and our hearts plus the Holy Spirit. I like this answer.
FoxyJ-I have learned from my current husband that the relationship must always come first. I think you have made the right choice to love and accept your husband despite his being unable to accept the church. There is no one out there that will love your children like the two of you. Your husband and your children both deserve your love and acceptance. What a blessing that he supports your activity in the church.
FoxyJ-Your reference to Elder Holland’s talk was inspired. I have never read anything that is more relevant to the points that we are discussing. Being patient and remembering that it isn’t over til it’s over, because the opposing powers have bounds and limits and our Father in Heaven has no bounds or limits. He will always be there.
jks
December 17th, 2009 @ 10:03 pm

There are a few explanations that help, provided you assume that you did receive a “yes” answer to something.
1. You get to a crossroads. You think you are 5 miles from your destination. You pray, then go left. After 3 miles you get to a dead end and have to turn back and go back to the crossroads and turn right. After you turn right it takes you 20 miles to get to where you were trying to go but you know that left was a dead end so you keep going. If you had gone right to begin with you might thought you were lost after 5, 10 or 15 miles and turned back and the whole process would have taken far longer.
2. You make a decision. Later, things are bad. However, you will never know what would have happened if you had made the other decision. Would your life have taken a worse path? I’m not saying everyone would have died in a car crash or anything. However, none of us are living some sort of picture perfect existence. It is part of life to find joy even in the pain and sin around us.
3. I view it as my husband and I got the confirmation to marry, yes. But after that it is a MILLION decisions that both of us make every day that have made our marriage what it is. Either of us can mess it up by not continuing to put forth the effort. This marriage is what we have made it. I never feel like the Lord gave me the perfect “one” so we have it made. I am also very aware that we have years of work left and who knows how many challenges that we may or may not successfully meet.
Nan
December 17th, 2009 @ 10:29 pm

I agree with Elder Uchtdorf that there is not just one person that we are destined to marry.
Kay
December 18th, 2009 @ 3:54 am

My husband and I have come close to divorce several times in our marriage. Most of the time our relationship has been a struggle. Things can change though. Now we are happier than we have ever been, we are closer than we have ever been, I respect him a lot more and listen to him more. We both try harder for each other and for ourselves, and are no longer just married because we have children but because we want to be. It took us years to get to this point. Life will never be easy for us I don’t think, but we are happy.
rk
December 18th, 2009 @ 10:39 am

I think sometimes people put too much stock in a “spiritual confirmation.” I think that having such a confirmation can be important, but it is not more important than studying something out. I have seem people move too quickly into marriage that they don’t take an honest enough look at the person they are dating. It is so important to look into potential problem areas in a marriage. The disastrous relationships I have seen have had red flags during dating and engagement. I think one should be praying to find out if certain issues are something to be concerned about. If the answer is no, then I might proceed to ask if this is the right person to marry. When in doubt, it doesn’t usually hurt to take more time to date and get to know someone. Living in denial just because you want to get married only leads to problems.

That said,
rk
December 18th, 2009 @ 10:45 am

Excuse me, had a computer problem. I will continue

That said, I believe many of the people here may have received a genuine spiritual confirmation that they should marry.
nesquik405
December 22nd, 2009 @ 4:47 pm

I think we spend our lives trying to find the balance between thinking things out on our own and asking for spiritual confirmation. I also think we depend on spiritual confirmations to give us a hint about whether this person might betray us somewhere down the road. Evidently they don’t do that.

This is not to say that my husband has betrayed me in any way.

All I know is that, in the mid-’90s, when I started listening to Dr. Laura, I regretted that she hadn’t been there for me 15-20 years earlier. I really could have used some of her ideas then.

I advise my sons and daughters about their girlfriends/boyfriends:

How did what she/he did make you feel?

Do you like that feeling?

Do you really want to put up with that behavior?

I think young lovers should seek spiritual confirmations only after asking these kinds of questions.