Comments on: The Divorce: The Rest of the Story http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/ Mormon women blogging about the peculiar and the treasured Thu, 24 May 2012 01:42:46 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: nesquik405 http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-168326 nesquik405 Tue, 22 Dec 2009 22:47:26 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-168326 I think we spend our lives trying to find the balance between thinking things out on our own and asking for spiritual confirmation. I also think we depend on spiritual confirmations to give us a hint about whether this person might betray us somewhere down the road. Evidently they don't do that. This is not to say that my husband has betrayed me in any way. All I know is that, in the mid-'90s, when I started listening to Dr. Laura, I regretted that she hadn't been there for me 15-20 years earlier. I really could have used some of her ideas then. I advise my sons and daughters about their girlfriends/boyfriends: How did what she/he did make you feel? Do you like that feeling? Do you really want to put up with that behavior? I think young lovers should seek spiritual confirmations only after asking these kinds of questions. I think we spend our lives trying to find the balance between thinking things out on our own and asking for spiritual confirmation. I also think we depend on spiritual confirmations to give us a hint about whether this person might betray us somewhere down the road. Evidently they don’t do that.

This is not to say that my husband has betrayed me in any way.

All I know is that, in the mid-’90s, when I started listening to Dr. Laura, I regretted that she hadn’t been there for me 15-20 years earlier. I really could have used some of her ideas then.

I advise my sons and daughters about their girlfriends/boyfriends:

How did what she/he did make you feel?

Do you like that feeling?

Do you really want to put up with that behavior?

I think young lovers should seek spiritual confirmations only after asking these kinds of questions.

]]> By: rk http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167911 rk Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:45:50 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167911 Excuse me, had a computer problem. I will continue That said, I believe many of the people here may have received a genuine spiritual confirmation that they should marry. Excuse me, had a computer problem. I will continue

That said, I believe many of the people here may have received a genuine spiritual confirmation that they should marry.

]]> By: rk http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167909 rk Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:39:05 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167909 I think sometimes people put too much stock in a "spiritual confirmation." I think that having such a confirmation can be important, but it is not more important than studying something out. I have seem people move too quickly into marriage that they don't take an honest enough look at the person they are dating. It is so important to look into potential problem areas in a marriage. The disastrous relationships I have seen have had red flags during dating and engagement. I think one should be praying to find out if certain issues are something to be concerned about. If the answer is no, then I might proceed to ask if this is the right person to marry. When in doubt, it doesn't usually hurt to take more time to date and get to know someone. Living in denial just because you want to get married only leads to problems. That said, I think sometimes people put too much stock in a “spiritual confirmation.” I think that having such a confirmation can be important, but it is not more important than studying something out. I have seem people move too quickly into marriage that they don’t take an honest enough look at the person they are dating. It is so important to look into potential problem areas in a marriage. The disastrous relationships I have seen have had red flags during dating and engagement. I think one should be praying to find out if certain issues are something to be concerned about. If the answer is no, then I might proceed to ask if this is the right person to marry. When in doubt, it doesn’t usually hurt to take more time to date and get to know someone. Living in denial just because you want to get married only leads to problems.

That said,

]]> By: Kay http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167871 Kay Fri, 18 Dec 2009 09:54:17 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167871 My husband and I have come close to divorce several times in our marriage. Most of the time our relationship has been a struggle. Things can change though. Now we are happier than we have ever been, we are closer than we have ever been, I respect him a lot more and listen to him more. We both try harder for each other and for ourselves, and are no longer just married because we have children but because we want to be. It took us years to get to this point. Life will never be easy for us I don't think, but we are happy. My husband and I have come close to divorce several times in our marriage. Most of the time our relationship has been a struggle. Things can change though. Now we are happier than we have ever been, we are closer than we have ever been, I respect him a lot more and listen to him more. We both try harder for each other and for ourselves, and are no longer just married because we have children but because we want to be. It took us years to get to this point. Life will never be easy for us I don’t think, but we are happy.

]]> By: Nan http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167837 Nan Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:29:15 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167837 I agree with Elder Uchtdorf that there is not just one person that we are destined to marry. I agree with Elder Uchtdorf that there is not just one person that we are destined to marry.

]]> By: jks http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167834 jks Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:03:32 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167834 There are a few explanations that help, provided you assume that you did receive a "yes" answer to something. 1. You get to a crossroads. You think you are 5 miles from your destination. You pray, then go left. After 3 miles you get to a dead end and have to turn back and go back to the crossroads and turn right. After you turn right it takes you 20 miles to get to where you were trying to go but you know that left was a dead end so you keep going. If you had gone right to begin with you might thought you were lost after 5, 10 or 15 miles and turned back and the whole process would have taken far longer. 2. You make a decision. Later, things are bad. However, you will never know what would have happened if you had made the other decision. Would your life have taken a worse path? I'm not saying everyone would have died in a car crash or anything. However, none of us are living some sort of picture perfect existence. It is part of life to find joy even in the pain and sin around us. 3. I view it as my husband and I got the confirmation to marry, yes. But after that it is a MILLION decisions that both of us make every day that have made our marriage what it is. Either of us can mess it up by not continuing to put forth the effort. This marriage is what we have made it. I never feel like the Lord gave me the perfect "one" so we have it made. I am also very aware that we have years of work left and who knows how many challenges that we may or may not successfully meet. There are a few explanations that help, provided you assume that you did receive a “yes” answer to something.
1. You get to a crossroads. You think you are 5 miles from your destination. You pray, then go left. After 3 miles you get to a dead end and have to turn back and go back to the crossroads and turn right. After you turn right it takes you 20 miles to get to where you were trying to go but you know that left was a dead end so you keep going. If you had gone right to begin with you might thought you were lost after 5, 10 or 15 miles and turned back and the whole process would have taken far longer.
2. You make a decision. Later, things are bad. However, you will never know what would have happened if you had made the other decision. Would your life have taken a worse path? I’m not saying everyone would have died in a car crash or anything. However, none of us are living some sort of picture perfect existence. It is part of life to find joy even in the pain and sin around us.
3. I view it as my husband and I got the confirmation to marry, yes. But after that it is a MILLION decisions that both of us make every day that have made our marriage what it is. Either of us can mess it up by not continuing to put forth the effort. This marriage is what we have made it. I never feel like the Lord gave me the perfect “one” so we have it made. I am also very aware that we have years of work left and who knows how many challenges that we may or may not successfully meet.

]]> By: Nan http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167833 Nan Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:03:01 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167833 M-1. When we choose a mate at a very young age, I think it is possible to confuse spiritual with emotional. 2. In the animal kingdom *survival of the fittest* brings together a mating that usually will produce healthy, intelligent, attractive offspring. Does that apply to humans? How important is physical attraction when choosing a mate? I just throw out these ideas for consideration. In Elder Holland's talk he says we need to use our minds and our hearts plus the Holy Spirit. I like this answer. FoxyJ-I have learned from my current husband that the relationship must always come first. I think you have made the right choice to love and accept your husband despite his being unable to accept the church. There is no one out there that will love your children like the two of you. Your husband and your children both deserve your love and acceptance. What a blessing that he supports your activity in the church. FoxyJ-Your reference to Elder Holland's talk was inspired. I have never read anything that is more relevant to the points that we are discussing. Being patient and remembering that it isn't over til it's over, because the opposing powers have bounds and limits and our Father in Heaven has no bounds or limits. He will always be there. M-1. When we choose a mate at a very young age, I think it is possible to confuse spiritual with emotional. 2. In the animal kingdom *survival of the fittest* brings together a mating that usually will produce healthy, intelligent, attractive offspring. Does that apply to humans? How important is physical attraction when choosing a mate? I just throw out these ideas for consideration.
In Elder Holland’s talk he says we need to use our minds and our hearts plus the Holy Spirit. I like this answer.
FoxyJ-I have learned from my current husband that the relationship must always come first. I think you have made the right choice to love and accept your husband despite his being unable to accept the church. There is no one out there that will love your children like the two of you. Your husband and your children both deserve your love and acceptance. What a blessing that he supports your activity in the church.
FoxyJ-Your reference to Elder Holland’s talk was inspired. I have never read anything that is more relevant to the points that we are discussing. Being patient and remembering that it isn’t over til it’s over, because the opposing powers have bounds and limits and our Father in Heaven has no bounds or limits. He will always be there.

]]> By: heathermommy http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167826 heathermommy Fri, 18 Dec 2009 02:54:18 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167826 I wonder if some times people think they have had a spiritual confirmation but really haven't. A lot of times our emotions interfere with really being able to discern the spirit and I think really recognizing the spirit takes a lifetime of practice. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship we are so "high" on the exciting experience that I think we claim the spirit when it is something else. I think we need to be extremely smart about getting married. And I think a lot of times we aren't. I wonder if some times people think they have had a spiritual confirmation but really haven’t. A lot of times our emotions interfere with really being able to discern the spirit and I think really recognizing the spirit takes a lifetime of practice. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship we are so “high” on the exciting experience that I think we claim the spirit when it is something else.

I think we need to be extremely smart about getting married. And I think a lot of times we aren’t.

]]> By: M http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167794 M Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:16:55 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167794 Thanks you all for responding and, of course, thanks for a thought-provoking post, Nan. It's nice to hear other people's thoughts once and awhile on topics I am confused by. FoxyJ, I'll definitely read the talk you posted. Thanks you all for responding and, of course, thanks for a thought-provoking post, Nan. It’s nice to hear other people’s thoughts once and awhile on topics I am confused by. FoxyJ, I’ll definitely read the talk you posted.

]]> By: FoxyJ http://segullah.org/daily-special/the-divorce-the-rest-of-the-story/#comment-167783 FoxyJ Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:40:30 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=5342#comment-167783 M-- One of my favorite talks on this subject is by Elder Holland and called "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=34316a4430c0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD He discusses this issue and uses the fact that people like Joseph Smith and Moses faced adversity after listening to the Spirit, and that this did not mean they had been deceived. It's of my personal favorites. M–

One of my favorite talks on this subject is by Elder Holland and called “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=34316a4430c0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

He discusses this issue and uses the fact that people like Joseph Smith and Moses faced adversity after listening to the Spirit, and that this did not mean they had been deceived. It’s of my personal favorites.

]]>