The Fan

Posted by Shelah | January 11, 2010 | 32 Comments

It was a cold November Saturday, and we’d been dating about two months. We’d gone to football games together before, but this time, things felt different. We weren’t in the student section; he’d convinced his dad to give us the “second-best” of the family’s seats at Cougar Stadium. Without the spirited chants from Cougar Pride (yes, he was a member) to keep me entertained, my mind started to wander. I was cold. Bored.

“Do you want to leave early, maybe go get some hot chocolate?”

He looked at me uncomprehendingly, “You can go whenever you want, but…”

A missed pass drew away his attention before he finished his response, but I figured out what he meant.

Two hours later, Utah fans stormed our field, tore down our goalposts, and my normally even-keeled boyfriend looked murderous, balling his fists and refusing to talk as he stormed from the stadium, with me racing to keep up. Over dinner, I joked and talked philosophically about next year, but honestly, as a New Englander, a girl, and the daughter of a fairweather sports fan, I didn’t get that losing the BYU-Utah game was no laughing matter.

***

The first few years of our marriage, I tried to become a fan myself. We had church from 8-11 when we were newlyweds, and he thought it was great because we got home just as the day of football games started. I forced myself to sit on the couch with him while he watched, learned about the teams and players, and developed crushes on NBA stars (Grant Hill was my “other husband.”)

When we went to my in-laws’ house for Sunday dinner, I began to notice a pattern: his mom would get dinner started, then pause to see how much time was left in the final round of the Masters, the Jazz game, the NFL playoff game, or the World Cup soccer match, whatever happened to be on the big family room television at the time, then she’d finish up the preparations to coincide with the end of the game/match/round. Otherwise the roar of the game would be muted for the prayer, the guys would bolt their food while craning their necks to see the score, and the meal would be over in a flash.

***

Seventeen years after that fateful BYU-Utah game, the family’s second-best BYU football and basketball seats belong to us. My husband’s idea of a perfect weekend is a winning BYU game, followed by a Sunday of Fantasy Football success. He’ll often call from work to say he’s running late and ask me to please set the DVR to record. My friends whose husbands interests run more to building dining room tables and checking off the honey-do list sometimes wonder out loud how I stand having a supreme sports fan for a husband.

I’ve given up the idea of being a perfect fan wife; sports just don’t hold my attention the way a good book or a long run does. I suppose that I could have broken him of his fandom if I tried hard enough, but at what cost? He’s a great husband, an excellent father, and a hard worker, why should I begrudge him something he’s passionate about? He doesn’t begrudge me the books I read or the hours I spend going on long runs with friends. But the Super Bowl is 27 days away, and I’m counting the days. Of course March Madness will follow quickly on its heels, but I’m pacing myself.

What are the passions of the people in your lives? Do you share them? How do you balance individual and shared passions in your marriage?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

32 Responses to “The Fan”

traci
January 11th, 2010 @ 8:14 am

Lots of things are coming to mind, this is a great post!

I grew up with a baseball fanatic, my dad. My grandpa played for the Reds, my dad played for 2 – 3 teams a year. We said goodbye to him on Friday Morning and hi again on Monday morn. He said you should never let a wife and kids get in the way of BALL. And he kept to that.

My mom suffered alot, at times she would go watch and read a book, or not go and complain and in their last years before he died, she got really into it – go figure.

My husband says he used to be into sports and he isn’t anymore. He don’t have tv anymore. We spend all our “him not at work time” together. He used to ride bikes and he gave that up. I had many outside interests before we married – have given everything but 1 up. That is at nite. I kept it up, because it is a volunteer appt and he volunteers the same nite, the same time.

There is a garden symposium in March I usually go to w/cousin. It is on a Sat morn. I want to go and asked him what he thot and he said go, but the guilt is still there.

We are over 50. We got married late in life. At church, one of the ladies told me when we got married that no one knows how much time they will have with each other. But since we started late in life, we really don’t know. That every minute he is not at work, I should be with him. I love being with him, so that is not the issue.

I still get together w/quilters when he is at work and a charity and prayer group. But then that begs the question for me – how much have I really given up? He is working and I am playing. So, I am trying to balance. If he is at work, then I try to be working for him at the home. My cousin always says, he isn’t just working – he is around people, sharing his day, going out to lunch, going out to coffee, surfing the web. And actually she is right. He admists this to me.

The other side to this is that I don’t want to become a boring woman to him. That when he comes home, all I have to talk about is dishes and kitty poo. What a challenge.

Anxious to hear what others say.

By the way – My dad always told us there was only ONE BALL – BASEBALL – all the rest were just games. And now he has had 2 daughters that know no other sport.
JoLyn
January 11th, 2010 @ 9:25 am

I think it’s so important that both spouses retain their individuality–which includes their hobbies and things they are passionate about. The two develop as a couple and enjoy new things together, but still each have their own. You aren’t just a couple now–you are still you!

I love supporting my husband in his interests. Some of them–but not all–have become my interests too. And he supports me in mine.

I think if you give everything personal up to become a couple, you will eventually get resentful, because the things you are passionate about are part of what makes you, you.
Natalie H
January 11th, 2010 @ 9:59 am

Hahahaha…. thank you so much for writing this post! You just described my husband to the T. I was nodding right along with you as you described sitting with him in the stadium the first time they lost and watching him transform into a “murderous” crazy person. And sitting on the couch with him on Sundays, faithfully trying to learn the names of the NFL players but secretly thinking to myself, “What’s the big deal? They’re all a bunch of overpaid dirtbags anyways.”

Ah, the joys of being the wife of a sports “superfan.”
ErinAnn
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:09 am

(My first husband was a sports fanatic. I was happy to leave that behind too.)

My wonderful husband has a passion for programming. He works at a Large Software Company and happily does *not* have a programming position. He likes his code to be tidy and clean. He would hate to be rushed getting it written. He does frequently write programs to help with his job, and as side hobbies. He has always said that he would love to teach me programming. I’m willing to learn, but not anytime soon. I have too many other things that I’m working on to take on a whole new “class” in my evenings. For now I support him by watching his demos and saying appreciative comments about what he shows me. Because I lack an understanding of what’s behind it all, I can’t appreciate it like his co-workers do. But I never begrudge his programming time. He really loves it.
Lindsay1138
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:35 am

I am counting myself lucky that my husband is not obsessed with anything–other than work.
Susan M
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:41 am

My husband is really into action sports and when we were younger I often felt like a “snowboard widow.” Now that we’re older he’s into dirt biking in the desert. Since I’m really into photography and love the desert, it’s perfect. He rides around in the dirt; I take pictures of rocks.
Sue
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:52 am

My husband isn’t quite the diehard fan you describe, but he’s still a pretty avid sports enthusiast. He especially loves the Lakers, March Madness, and (oops, sorry), the University of Utah. (What can I say…we swing red.)

Be that as it may, I totally relate to your story of having him call you from work to record various games that he forgot to DVR himself. The guy does love his sports!

I have to admit that I don’t. I do NOT enjoy watching the games, so I don’t. Instead, I read or write or check my blog or whatever else catches my fancy. It’s all good. He has his interests, and I have mine…and when we meet up again, we appreciate each other’s company (and the interests we DO share) a little bit more.

Some diversity is good, right? And we both respect each other’s enjoyment of his or her “thing.”

=)
FoxyJ
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:53 am

Reading this made me laugh, because I’ve always been grateful that my husband is totally not a sports fan. None of the men in my family are either, so it works out well for everyone.

But, when we were dating he brought over a large stack of Supergirl comics for me to read. And then Batman: The Long Halloween (it really is a classic). He’s been reading comics since he was 12, and while he’s not really a freaky fan (i.e. no conventions or anything), they are a big part of who he is. We have two big bookshelves full of collected series (how he prefers to buy them). Before we got married I really didn’t know much about comics at all, and while I don’t love them, I’ve actually come to like some of them quite a bit and understand their place in American culture. I’ve seen most of the latest superhero movies over the last few years. And I actually like the fact that he and our kids have bonded over weekly trips to the comic store (there are a few great ‘kid-friendly’ titles out there right now, like Superfriends). His ‘obsession’ works out well because I like to sit around and read too, so we spend a lot of our free time sitting around reading our respective books.

Another thing I’m grateful for that he’s brought into my life is connections with creative writing. I was also an English major, but not a creative writer by any stretch of the imagination (still not). But he did an MA in creative writing at BYU and we got to know a lot of other writers through that and other things since then. It’s a community I’m grateful to be involved in, even if I’m just a reader and not a writer.

My hobbies are pretty mundane and easy to integrate into daily life–reading, cooking, playing the piano.
Amira
January 11th, 2010 @ 11:08 am

I’m lucky to have married someone who shares my odd passion- the one that would be impossible for either of us to fulfill without the other being on board.

We’ve usually found it pretty easy to balance our different interests though. One of our early sucesses was to have my husband design several quilts for me to make. Those are some of my favorite quilts. I’ve also learned to enjoy architecture from him, and he likes seeing geysers more now because of me.

There have been a few times things haven’t worked out as well though, like when my husband signs the boys up for soccer or something like that. He loves taking them, but I don’t love having commitments that take up several nights a week and every Saturday for months. But I can see it’s worth it, even though our beautiful fall Saturdays might have been a little wasted in my eyes.
Tay
January 11th, 2010 @ 1:12 pm

My husband tries to keep his love of sports to a moderation. He’ll keep up with everything at work, but really only watches College Football (which I actually like) and random baseball games. I anticipate becoming a sports mom of soccer kids and/or baseball kids. Anyway, I’m just grateful that I married a youngest child who got to see what putting sports before your family did to his siblings’ marriages. It ain’t pretty. And because I let him go to games early and come home late, he lets me indulge in my reading while he takes care of things around the house.
Kate
January 11th, 2010 @ 1:36 pm

I feel like I could have written this post! I tried for a couple of years to wean hubs of his sports… but to no avail. It made for unnecessary tension. I’ve accepted sports… and now I have sons who share the passion. I figure there could be many many worse vices. And my husband really doesn’t mind that I’m not a big sports fan (though I’ve tried). Equally he supports my passions. It’s all good.
Kathryn Soper
January 11th, 2010 @ 2:12 pm

Great. Now I can’t stop thinking about Puddy.
Shelah
January 11th, 2010 @ 2:16 pm

You found me out, Kathy. When Elaine finally dumped him, he found his way to me.
Jen
January 11th, 2010 @ 2:26 pm

My husband is a Tinkerer, and I recently endowed him with our garage as a machine shop so his mill would fit, and we now all park outside. Still, he puts up with my fabric stash and other tools as a quilter, so I think we are a nicely matched pair.
marintha
January 11th, 2010 @ 5:20 pm

When I first got married I felt a little like we had to be really interested in each others hobbies to be caring supportive spouses for one another. I’ve since realized being caring and supportive can mean simply letting the other person enjoy it and not complain about it, enjoying their joy. Besides, it would be pretty boring if we completely took on each other’s personalities.
kik~
January 11th, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

Just goes to prove my theory: we marry the person who bugs us the least!
Jennifer Perkins
January 11th, 2010 @ 9:00 pm

Are you certain your not married to my husband? Our lives sound like one and the same. Love my sports fan, but I’m looking forward to April-July. Baseball is my hubby’s 3rd favorite, therefore, a few months break before I gear back up for football season! You have to love a passionate man!
Rose
January 11th, 2010 @ 9:47 pm

My husband and I were very fortunate to find each other. We are both pretty big sports fans not to the extreme you have talked about, but to the extent of really enjoying the games we get to see. I love that he enjoys it and he loves that I enjoy it so watching games together is a great way for us to spend time together.
Emily W.
January 11th, 2010 @ 9:56 pm

I guess I’ll quit complaining when my husband turns on Sports Center. (Even though I despise it to the core of my being.) After all, he’s pretty good about only watching games he really interested in PLUS he lets me teach pottery 1-2 nights a week. Thanks for showing me that it could be worse. MUCH worse!
Mary B
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:22 pm

This made me smile. It can go both ways. One of the men in my family, who has never been interested in the gridiron, though he can spout baseball statistics in his sleep, married a rabid football fan who doesn’t particularly care for baseball a couple of years ago. It’s been fun watching them accomodate each other’s passions.

My husband and I have very different passions and interests. We spent our early marriage feeling a little out of sorts with our inability to share each other’s skills in and enthusiasm for our different interests and talents. Somehow we thought that doing something together was better than doing something separately. But we learned that many experiences can be shared in ways other than side-by-side, moment-by-moment. And we have learned to see and celebrate the other’s interests as endearing quirks and personality traits.

So no, I don’t watch the NCAA basketball tournament, but the hand-drawn chart with brackets and schedules that appears on our family room wall each March makes me smile.
E
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:30 pm

I guess it’s not rational, but I don’t think I could handle it if this were my life! I am grateful that I don’t have to deal with this kind of “excessive” (at least to me) enthusiasm for watching sports.
Catherine
January 11th, 2010 @ 10:35 pm

Shelah, our husbands would be great friends Unlike you, I LOVE football, but can’t stand most of the other sports that he’s engrossed in. For us, it’s a matter of balance. I support him in his interests and passions, but they cannot become obsessions. This is a struggle for him in football season, but other sports he’s gotten increasingly better at balancing the longer we’re married.
m&m
January 12th, 2010 @ 2:35 am

You’re a good wife, Shelah. I think it’s important to pick our battles and appreciate the great things about our spouses…yay for you for doing that.

My husband’s passions are his work, languages, and current events. But if you give him the chance to enjoy a football game, he’ll really enjoy it. We decided not to spend the moola and time for a cable connection, so that decision has helped keep the sports fan in him in check, I think.
jendoop
January 12th, 2010 @ 7:17 am

Shelah I knew I had to respond to your post because my husband became acquainted with you through a BYU sports website (Do I remember that correctly?).

It was a transition for me to have a sports minded husband, my dad wasn’t at all. It took time but I think there is a balance in his life now, the trials of our life naturally pushed him in that direction (there might have been a little nagging on my part). We can and should point out to our husbands when their hobbies, whatever they are, interfere with a successful family life. But we shouldn’t nag because they aren’t paying attention to us 24/7, there is a happy medium.

My husband is a numbers guy and loves to turn over the stats involved. It keeps his brain sharp and provides social outlets. He connects with his family through sports as well. I could bemoan it, but I choose to see it as a way for men, father and sons and brothers to connect with each other.
Shelah
January 12th, 2010 @ 9:32 am

Yeah, jendoop, I think our husbands are online sports buddies.

And for those of you glad you’re not married to my husband, well, he’s probably glad he’s not married to you either!
Linn
January 12th, 2010 @ 1:58 pm

Both my husband and I enjoy sports, but I am the March Madness crazy in our house. It is ridiculous times a lot, but probably our family’s favorite time of the year. I am counting the seconds until March 18th!
Emily M.
January 12th, 2010 @ 6:03 pm

I am not a sports fan (I am a book fan too. I love your reviews.). My husband enjoys going to games when he can, and listening to them every so often, but it’s not a super high priority. I think it’s important, though, for spouses to be supportive, or at least tolerant, of each other in what they love, which you sound great at–seeing how fandom affects your life, but also seeing all the ways he supports you, so you are balanced out.
Sarah
January 13th, 2010 @ 12:09 am

Loved this post! My husband is a HUGE hockey fan. Hockey?! I was raised in Arizona, there was no hockey. I have now watched many hockey games with him and have actually learned to enjoy it and other times I read my book, work on a quilt, run errands, go out with my girlfriends. It is good to have a passion. I was raised with a Father who didn’t do much with sports but had passions elsewhere. At first it was an adjustment to be with a man who was so into sports but how is that different from any other passion. We have a DVR, we tape games if it interferes with other plans. Hockey is important to him and I appreciate that. And he appreciates my passions that may seem overwhelming to him.

How can we teach and preach to have hobbies and passions and then see people tear it down in their comments on this post? I was a little surprised at some comments. And I agree Shelah, your husband would NOT want to be married to those people!
Blue
January 13th, 2010 @ 1:23 am

you guys have a win-win situation. if he weren’t as into sports, you might not have as much opportunity to do what you love!

i think it’s grand how complimentary some relationships are. and it’s a beautiful thing to see spouses who love each other unconditionally, for who they are, and not spend a lifetime “mote-beaming” them. thanks for sharing this!
♥
al
January 13th, 2010 @ 11:44 am

Haha!

I go with my husband to watch him fly his remote control airplane, set off his rocket, build bonfires, and blow things up (total piro!)

And he read the Twilight Saga for me! Haha. We have great pillow talk about the intricacies of super natural love.

What a guy huh?! I love him.
Caitlyn
January 15th, 2010 @ 3:25 pm

My friend shared this post with me, and I think it’s great! My husband isn’t an avid sports fan… he’s a gamer. I wish Halo 3 had seasons, too.
And I liked what you said about people not understanding how you could put up with it; I get that all the time. I sew and read, he plays video games. It works for us!
anon
January 26th, 2010 @ 6:27 am

I dont know…I cant think of many passions that women have that take up SO much time from the family. Im so glad my husband is not a sports nut, and it irks me to no end to see my friend’s husbands leaving their wives alone with the kids, 1, 2, 3 nights a week so they can go play/watch sports. I think we all need to have time for our passions, but when you get married and have a family, they need to take back seat most of the time. IMO, men get away with not doing this so much. Im not sure why, maybe the whole “boys will be boys” thing. I mean, can you imagine if women acted this way over couples ice skating??? Can you imagine Sunday dinner being scheduled around it as husbands cook the meal, so the wives can wait with bated breath over the sparkly outfits? I cannot. The craze is not justified.