The Healing Power of Forgetfulness

Posted by Brittney C. | November 20, 2007 | 19 Comments

Bear with me, friends. This is my maiden voyage into the blogosphere, and I’m liable to make any number of blogging faux pas and breaches of etiquette. I apologize up front. First on the list: my grandmother. Gramma, I apologize that I’m fixin’ to talk politics in public. Please know that your son is a wonderful father. This post is no fault of his.

And reader, if I’ve sunk my boat by the end of this thing, forgive me. Treat me with kid gloves, I beg.

But I’m working on an epiphany here. A small one, to be sure. Still, it’s coming to me in pieces, so I’m asking for your help. See, it started a few weeks ago in Relief Society (I say a few weeks. It was probably more like months. I forget. Anyway…), during a fourth Sunday lesson. You might know it as Teaching for Our Times. The lesson came from Elder Faust’s April 2007 Conference talk titled, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” (one of my favorite talks of our time), and the sister instructing opened the lesson the same way Elder Faust opens his talk–by relating the tragic story of the Amish schoolhouse shooting in Pennsylvania last year. His focus, of course, was the immediate forgiveness the Amish community extended to the family of the addled man who perpetrated the crime. Elder Faust says this:

“One local resident very eloquently summed up the aftermath of this tragedy when he said, ‘We were all speaking the same language, and not just English, but a language of caring, a language of community, [and] a language of service. And, yes, a language of forgiveness.’2It was an amazing outpouring of their complete faith in the Lord’s teachings in the Sermon on the Mount: “Do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.”3

I loved the talk, the lesson, and though I am uncomfortably, enormously pregnant, I even loved sitting through relief society that day. But the epiphany was only just beginning. It was still a tiny pink bud.

It happens that I live in a tiny town in the fairly remote, fairly rural northwest, and in our town, right off the main drag, is a house you can’t miss. It’s a modest house–a little rambler, painted light blue–but it’s decorated to the hilt in yellow ribbons and flagged stripped bows. They’ve hung ribbons from every tree in their yard. I wonder about the subtext each time I pass the house. Maybe they had a son stationed in Basra. Maybe he isn’t coming home. And there are two signs framed in the front window. One reads “We Support Our Troops.” The other says simply, “9/11 NEVER FORGET.”

It also happens that I’m a particularly forgetful human being. I blame it on a head butt with a windshield, once, in a pretty nasty crash. After 7 years of marriage, my husband understands that I won’t remember where I’ve put the car keys, that if our daughter has a doctor’s appointment we dang well better write it down. It’s nothing I would wish on you, especially if you’re a pregnant woman and forget the consequences of drinking even a fluid ounce of water before you go to bed (you thought you had a small bladder before? Huh). Most days I wish I could remember anything. But I’m not sure about that sign. We passed it on our way home from church that day, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

I know forgive and forget are not synonyms. I know that repenting does not beget forgetting, and, most times, I think that’s good. But I’m wondering how to apply Elder Faust’s talk, in essence, the gospel of Jesus Christ to real life? To politics, to be specific. Maybe even more specifically, to war. Elder Faust says, “This shocking violence caused great anguish among the Amish but no anger. There was hurt but no hate. Their forgiveness was immediate.” BUT, he also has this to say: “Of course, society needs to be protected from hardened criminals, because mercy cannot rob justice.” I understand and entirely agree. Still, I’d like to understand better the situation we’re in as a country. Is forgiveness too simpleminded? Part of me thinks perhaps it’s naive. The other part thinks, “how could it possibly be?” The Savior has commanded it, but in the context of geopolitics how does it work? As a country whose safety is ultimately predicated upon our righteousness, how do we emulate Christ in the face of frightening aggression? How do we speak the language of forgiveness? How do we forget the hurt?

I’m sorry if this post is a little heavy, a too deep shade of grey. But it’s one I care deeply about as a woman, a mother, and a follower of Jesus Christ. So, could someone PLEASE help me flesh out this epiphany? On this snowy day in northern Idaho, I’m still craddling a bud.

Category: Daily Special

Comments

19 Responses to “The Healing Power of Forgetfulness”

Kathryn Soper
November 20th, 2007 @ 2:47 pm

Great questions, Brit. Great post.

I don’t have any answers, politically speaking. All I know is that sometimes sins need to be remembered in order to keep them from being repeated. This goes for our own sins as well as those of others.

I’m thinking of abuse victims who, in order to protect themselves and their children, need to remember what the perpetrator did. Although it’s difficult, this can be done without malice. And it’s for the good of all involved, including the perpetrator.

It comes down to intent: why do we want to remember?
Ardis Parshall
November 20th, 2007 @ 3:09 pm

You remember once touching the side of a hot oven with your bare wrist as you took out a pan of food, so these days you wear an oven mitt before taking out cookie sheets. You remember that you were burned and that it hurt, but do you relive the exquisite agony of the seared skin, the ache later that night and the sharp pains you felt for days whenever you bumped the burn?

I believe we can remember an event like 9/11, and even remember that we were angry or hurt or afraid, while at the same time forgetting the feelings of hatred and fear. You have to remember to learn, but you don’t have to live with that lesson at the center of your life, coloring every action of every day.

You wear an oven mitt on appropriate occasions; you don’t devote your life to smashing every oven in town.
Lee Ann
November 20th, 2007 @ 4:34 pm

D&C 10 details for the world a big mistake the prophet made–no, a sin he committed. When the Lord says our sins, and Joseph Smith’s, are “remembered no more,” I don’t think that means the Lord can’t read. So, like you say, it’s got to mean something else.

With you, I’m still trying to figure out what…
maralise
November 20th, 2007 @ 4:38 pm

Ardis–classic. You should make a t-shirt out of that.

Brittney C.– forget history? Impossible, no not impossible, unwise. I think there are events that irrevocably change paradigms. And if one refuses to acknowledge the shift, then one is not enlightened, just ignorant. HOWEVER, I also agree with Ardis that “remembering” history doesn’t mean a hunt for revenge, or an ever present “justified” excuse for action.

There was a time when my husband’s grandmother (who suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease) was not only losing her mind, but she would come in and out of reality bringing irrational fears and action into relationships with real people. During this time, I felt that the most merciful thing that God could do for her would be to allow her to forget. Forget her family so that she wouldn’t think they were going to get her, forget her husband so she couldn’t make him the enemy.

Is forgetting a merciful thing? At times, yes.
Angie
November 20th, 2007 @ 5:03 pm

I have always interpreted “forgive and forget” as a metaphoric (and alliterative) way of saying “don’t hold a grudge.” It doesn’t seem to me to be wise or practical to try to apply that maxim literally. I do think it is both wise and practical to try learn wisdom through experience and to avoid becoming hardened or bitter.

I have mixed feelings about the 9/11 sentiment in this country. I appreciate the renewed patriotism many feel and I support careful consideration of national security issues, but I think there has also been a great deal of free floating anger and blame that our country would be better off letting go of.
Justine
November 20th, 2007 @ 5:05 pm

In the context of war, remembering is soooo important, for just the reasons Maralise outlined. Foreign Affairs is filled with repeated stories of misery and woe.

I don’t think forgiveness means that I’ll forgive someone for abusing my daughter by letting them babysit her again. But it does mean letting go of the pain that I am holding in. That pain and hurt will only continue to pain and hurt me.

This is a complex and deeply involved principle. We are commanded for be like the Savior by forgiving, but the Savior wasn’t a doormat, either. Forgiveness and compassion are not open calls for abuse. Forgive our abusers, but for goodness sake, get some locks on the door. That’s my opinion in a nutshell.
Emily M.
November 20th, 2007 @ 6:14 pm

I echo Kathy–great questions, great post.

For me, forgiveness is a selfish thing. I need to forgive so I’m not carrying the weight of a grudge around with me. I have no concept of how to implement it with geopolitics. But I do love the oven mitt analogy, Ardis.

One of the best examples of community forgiveness I’ve heard of is the South African post-apartheid trials. They held trials in which people who had been harmed came forth and shared their stories, and those who had hurt them apologized. If I had more time I’d hunt up a link for you. But I loved the sense of community healing that it provided. I know South Africa still has many problems, but I love that idea.

Thinking about it, what strikes me even more is that even this healing, designed to help a community, had to occur on a very individual, private basis. I think the best we can hope for is to find leaders who encourage that kind of healing, rather than provoke further enmity.

So… which of these presidential candidates is someone who will help us heal through non-vengeful remembering that forgives yet keeps us safe from future harm.

P.S: I haven’t read the essay, but I heard Anne Lamott talk once on the radio about how she and the members her church all had a grand day of forgiveness for George W. Bush. She was just so angry at him that it damaged her spirit, and she sensed that, and decided to let go of her anger. We need leaders who seek healing, and then maybe for our own peace of mind we need to forgive the ones who don’t.
brittney c.
November 20th, 2007 @ 9:55 pm

all, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

ardis, yours may be my favorite analogy of all time. you speak my language, if you know what i mean.

mara, i agree whole-heartedly that it is ignorant to forget history. but i wonder about the motive behind posters, magnets, and billboards saying “never forget.” there seems to be an aggression behind it, a hint at something of bloodlust, something that smacks of revenge. at least it seems that way to me. but my politics lean a little left, much to my grandparents’ horror and shame.

justine, yeah for locking your doors (especially when you’re in the shower)!

and emily m., certainly food for thought. the trials in s. africa sound similar to those that have and are taking place in rwanda. they give me hope.

again, thank you all.
Kathryn Soper
November 20th, 2007 @ 10:17 pm

I know what you mean about the bloodlust thing, Brit.

It can go both ways. Never forget the people who died and their families, never forget the heroes? Or never forget the #$%^# terrorists who must be hunted down and strung up, no matter what the cost?
Kristen
November 20th, 2007 @ 10:21 pm

Thanks for this topic. I wish I had something wise to say about your questions on how we should handle the war in Iraq, and just agression in general, in the best, most Christlike way—I find that there seem to be well justified, gospel centered claims from people who both agree and disagree about our presence there.

Emily, thanks for mentioning South Africa–it’s the Truth and Reconciliation Committee (TRC) that you’re talking about. Desmond Tutu was heavily involved in that, and it did bring about some most incredible internal changes within the people there. Sometimes we look at examples like that and think we’re above that, things like, “Well, they’re an underdeveloped country, they definitely needed to do something like that.”

But I really think that the U.S. could be more unified and help let go of a lot of the anger (as you mentioned, Angie) by doing something similar to this.
Heather O.
November 20th, 2007 @ 10:58 pm

Great post, great topic.

I don’t have any answers either, but this did remind me of the scene in “Left To Tell” (Sorry, do I talk about that book a lot? It sort of changed my life.) where the author meets one of the men responsible for killing her family, a man who hunted for her, who probably would have brutally raped her and then most assuredly killed her had he found her. Yet she looks at him, and forgives him. She knows that no healing can ever come to her or her country if she doesn’t forgive and let go, that the result of revenge would only be more spilling of blood.

Overt aggression that threaten our national security is a tricky issue, though, and many people would argue that the only reason our world wasn’t involved in an atomic war was because the Soviet Union knew that America would immediately respond in kind if they sent an ICBM at us. Not exactly a ‘turn the other cheek’ kind of philosophy, but the world hasn’t been nuked. Not yet, anyway.
Brad Kramer
November 20th, 2007 @ 11:22 pm

I still remember Richard Gere standing up at one of those 9/11 benefit concerts 3 or 4 days after the attacks. He actually had the audacity to suggest that real healing as a nation would come not from revenge but from forgiveness. He was booed unceremoniously off the stage, and I felt a distance from America that seemed like vertigo. My patriotism never quite recovered from that blow — not that I’m a particular fan of Richard Gere’s work or anything, but it’s a good thing James E. Faust wasn’t asked to participate in the event that evening.
maralise
November 21st, 2007 @ 3:18 am

Brit.–I’ve felt that undercurrent also. One of the reasons why I’ve chosen not to put a ribbon up.

Kristen–how? The TRC was formed in extreme times, the people allowed to testify without fear of being charged with a crime themselves. I think it was a fitting idea for that country, in their situation. But, how could that possibly work in the United States? And how could something like that be the foundation for a long-lasting judicial system? I’m interested to know…really.

Heather O.–The argument you put forth is a “Realist” explanation of those events (Realistic theory posits that States always work in their own self interest. Therefore it would be wise for a State to avoid action that would eventually damage itself). It’s an interesting theory…explains mass action/motivation for action quite adequately in this case. Applying the realist approach to Cold War politics is a popular/well accepted method of analyzing the time. (although I’m sure other, contradictory theories could be applied also).
Justine
November 21st, 2007 @ 8:25 am

Heather, Left to Tell changed my life, too. You’re not alone. I’ve made everyone I know read it.
brittney c.
November 21st, 2007 @ 11:45 am

Brad, thank you for your comments. Two years ago, researching an essay I am still trying to write, I was invited to attend a slide show at our hospital, where a surgeon, recently returned from 18 months with the 2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment was showning photographs of the wounds he treated in Iraq. It was a very clinical presentation, geared toward other surgeons and specialists, and I was not professionally qualified to be there. Much of the medical speak eluded me, as do the complexities of war politics. I am not professing to know. But I saw things I will never forget that night. Mostly photographs of children, many of them carried into the surgical tent by the Marines who had run them over in their humvees or shot them, or maimed them with grenades. Some children made it and some didn’t. Some of the marines ended up taking their own lives. I saw the pictures, and though I’ve never wished that I hadn’t, I haven’t recovered from that blow. I don’t know what Elder Faust would say. Like most of the doctors in the room that night, all I could do was cry. For as pathetic and soft as that may be, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sorry about the vertigo. It seems like we’ve been spinning for years.
Kristen
November 21st, 2007 @ 1:55 pm

Maralise,

Yes, the TRC was uniquely created for the South African situation. People were granted amnesty for full disclosure of crimes/violence committed, and measures were taken to rehabilitate and restore human dignity of victims. It also did not end up being the foundation of their justice system—it was a separate commission created with this sole purpose—While I agree with you that copy-cat of the TRC wouldn’t be appropriate for the U.S., I do think some principles of it might work. Obviously it wouldn’t be a foundation of any sort for our justice system–we already have one. One thing S.A. did was pass the Promotion of National Unity and Reconciliation Act. (1995) which defined specific goals and strategies for what their nation needed.

This isn’t something I’ve been brainstorming about for more than a few minutes, but maybe our country could create an amendment focused on what US citizens need/want, and that could lay the foundation for forgiveness and change as we need it. One portion of the South African amendment says that it’s purpose is to be a

“bridge between the past of a deeply divided society haracterized by strife, conflict, untold suffering and injustice, and a future founded on the recognition of human rights, democracy and peaceful co-existence for all South Africans, irrespective of colour, race, class, belief or sex…”

Certainly we, as well as dozens of other countries, could benefit from finding a way to heal our deeply divided societies. Like I said, I don’t have a specific plan in mind. But the principles that the TRC were based on, and what it did for their people, could be very helpful for us.
Andrea
November 21st, 2007 @ 2:19 pm

On a more personal level, rather than a global one, I WISH that I could forget as I work to forgive. The Lord says He remembers our sins no more, but as I work through trying to forgive the extremely hurtful things that family members have done, I really want to forget that they ever happened. I can forgive the things that have happened, but the damage to our relationship is real, and I find myself not being able to trust them and hence repair the relationship. Maybe it’s that I can’t completely forgive? I don’t know. I struggle with this issue a lot.
Tiffany
November 21st, 2007 @ 3:00 pm

This was a great post. I’m trying to formulate a response, but my own feelings about forgiving and forgetting are very conflicted. I appreciate the comments and fantastic post.
Heather O.
November 21st, 2007 @ 11:03 pm

Of course, you can look to our own American history as to what happens when you don’t forgive. After the Civil War, Lincoln was prepared to completely forgive the South for the secession, and allow all states back into the Union, no questions asked. Radical Republicans in Congress, however, wanted to treat the South as they saw them–a conquered territory. Andrew Johnson was impeached because he was hoping to oppose such actions and carry on what Lincoln had started. Instead, the Radical Republicans got their way, and the South was harshly punished. It makes me wonder what our country’s race relations would look like today if things had gone a bit differently.