The Home Teacher

Posted by Guest | January 29, 2009 | 52 Comments

Juliana is originally from the Pacific Northwest and is publishing this post anonymously because she doesn’t want to offend anyone.

My cell phone rang, and the caller asked to speak to my husband. It was our home teacher setting an appointment for the next Sunday. He arrived promptly at the arranged time, sat in our living room, and made conversation with my husband while my oldest and youngest children scampered about. My middle daughter was in her bedroom, recovering from recent surgery. After about 10 minutes of conversation, he declared that he had a message for us. He shared the First Presidency message for that month out of the Ensign, made a few comments about it, and asked if he could leave us with a prayer. He gave a short prayer, and then stood, indicating that he needed to visit another family. He shook our hands and left.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain – here was a faithful member of our ward making an effort to visit our family. Many members of the Church never see or hear from their home teachers. But our home teacher’s visits have always left me cold. They were always the same – short and to the point – greetings extended, message shared, prayer given. The appointments were always made through my husband. He has rarely looked me in the eye or addressed me directly. He never asked about my middle child that had been through a recent illness and surgery. He never addressed my other children. Yet, each month, he fulfilled his duty as a home teacher.

I believe the idea of home and visiting teaching within the church is fantastic – the thought that each member has a set of men and women assigned to them to be a help and a support to them through good times and bad – embodies the spirit of the Gospel. Sadly, the execution of home and visiting teaching is often lacking. We are all imperfect beings, and despite our best efforts, schedules are busy, personalities conflict, and needs are often left unmet. Some see it as a burden and an artificial construct, forcing people who would never interact otherwise to sit uncomfortably in the same room and share their feelings about the Gospel. If home and visiting teaching were done perfectly, no one would be lonely, sad, unfed, or un-served, and everyone would be edified and blessed.

My husband and I often discussed these visits. Why did he never speak to me? Why were his visits always so short? Why didn’t he ever ask about the children, even when they’d been sick? Was he just incredibly shy? One conclusion that we came to was that perhaps that was all he expected from his home teachers – a short visit, a message, and a prayer, nothing more. Another conclusion that we came to was that perhaps he needed to come out and visit us much more than we needed to be visited. Maybe his terse visits were the result of a major struggle to overcome his shyness. Unfortunately, I need more than that from a home teacher. I need a home teacher that I can feel comfortable calling upon if my husband is out of town and a sick child needs a blessing. I need someone who is concerned about the struggles my family faces. I need more than a quick visit, a pithy message, and a prayer.

What do you need from your home and visiting teachers? How do you communicate what you need? Do you get it?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

52 Responses to “The Home Teacher”

jendoop
January 29th, 2009 @ 7:17 am

This is going to be a post with alot of comments. We all have stories to tell I’m sure.

Our home teachers are not able to do much for us beyond a visit and they stay too long, they have no clue how to relate to our kids either. They both have disabilities and one has a wife with major health issues. I am sure they were assigned to us because they need to home teach not because they’d be able to shovel our walks when my hubby had the flu and I was 6 months pregnant. Nevertheless this last week when I needed a blessing one of my HT was able to join in and he had a few words to share with me on how to deal with the unknowns of chronic illness.

I appreciate that the church gives us a basic framework of instructions to get into home and visiting teaching. But I wish more people would understand that it is just a framework. We should adjust according to the needs of those we visit. I have had wonderful experiences with visiting teaching when I go into it trying to be a friend and serve the needs I see- not do my duty with a lesson each month. I recently spoke with the bishop’s wife from another ward, she admitted that she would rather just have a short chat at church than make time in her schedule for the long visit her VTs provide. I believe if that’s how she wants it, that’s how she should have it.

I also believe that when VT and HT are done in the best possible way that both sides are wonderfully blessed. My example of this is home teachers we had in Colorado. They didn’t come every month but when they did come we had a sincere discussion about the lesson, they asked the kids questions, they played with them and even went to see their bedrooms when the kids asked (much to my horror) and even gave the kids presents at Christmas. We felt close to them, they felt close to us. I reached out to their wives because I felt I knew them through their husbands. When one of our HTs was diagnosed with Luekemia we were crushed but we also felt close enough to the family to give them most of our food storage when we moved.
SilverRain
January 29th, 2009 @ 7:44 am

I know this isn’t the point of the post, but have you thought about asking him why he is that way? (Obviously, he is more comfortable with your husband than with you, so it would probably be best for him to ask.)

I just think that one thing we lack even more than willing help is willingness to let people know how to help. Even God wants you to ask, and He knows what you need.
anonymousthistime
January 29th, 2009 @ 7:55 am

I am one of those who prefer (for the most part) a short visit from my VT’s. If I wanted to get together for social hour, I would arrange that.

If you aren’t happy with how your home/visiting teachers work, my suggestion is to ask to have someone else assigned and give your reasoning, and what you would prefer. Speaking as the wife of an elders quorum president… he does pray about who to put with whom, but there is a huge list of people and many considerations. If it’s not working, the best way for him to know is to have someone tell him!
Juliana
January 29th, 2009 @ 8:00 am

I really appreciate your comments. You’re right — we probably should talk to him and have a more open dialog about how we could make our visits more effective. Also, we have asked for a change from the EQ president, and in the past he was reassigned, but he was once again assigned to our family. As a VT coordinator, I understand what kind of prayer and planning goes into assignments like this one. I agree that leadership needs information along with information.
Kathy
January 29th, 2009 @ 8:19 am

I completely understand about home teaching feeling artificial and awkward. Sometimes it sort of works for us and sometimes it doesn’t – we’ve had years when we don’t even know who are home teachers are, and some years when we can’t get them to leave. Here’s a view from the other side of the fence: my husband sometimes has difficulty reaching his companion (he attends our local Spanish branch), so he often takes me with him. He really tries to connect with the families he visits, but at the moment he has six families to visit. Adding in making appointments and travel time since they live all over our stake in Georgia, even a 1/2 hour visit with each family can easily take upwards of 10 hours a month. In addition to being the branch executive secretary and Primary pianist, plus his regular full-time job and family responsibilities and the odd service project, 10-plus hours takes a significant bite out of his schedule. Ideally, he’d only have a couple of families to visit and could spend more time getting to know them, but it doesn’t work out that way.
Lucy
January 29th, 2009 @ 8:37 am

I’ve thought often about the home teacher program. There’s been many times in my life no one has ever come. And because I’m single/divorced I really almost appreciate them not coming. I’m very uncomfortable with them. And I can’t even tell you why. I do know that there have been times when a husband/wife comes and I appreciate that MUCH more. Yes, I could tell those in charge of my desire, however I’ve learned in the past that ‘those in charge’ do not take advice well. So I just keep my mouth shut and do whatever they want. The older I get, the less I want to fight.
Amanda D
January 29th, 2009 @ 9:26 am

I agree with anonymousthistime, you should ask for new Home Teachers and tell the EQ Pres what you are wanting. I don’t think you should ask him why he is like that. That would be an awkward conversation. Good luck!
eljee
January 29th, 2009 @ 9:49 am

I have mixed feelings about our HTs. They do come every month, which is something that hadn’t happened our entire marriage. The visits are short and sweet and mostly focused on the lesson. Part of me wishes for more personal interaction, but part of me also knows that we are all so busy that this will suffice. The one thing I wish the most is that they would interact more with our kids. We have small children, and while the HTs are friendly to them, they do not “talk” to them much, and they do not gear the lesson to them in any way. Both HTs are elderly, so I’ve chalked it up to that. I’ved wondered if we had HTs from the EQ instead of High Priests if they would be more kid-friendly visits.

My VT only comes for a visit about twice a year, though she drops goodies off at my door about every 3 months.

I’ve had some awkward experiences being a VT too. Right now I’ve been visiting everyone on my list for about 2 years, but with two of the women, I feel that we haven’t really even scratched the surface as far as getting to know each other. I’m at a loss as to what to do. In one case, I suspect that the sister is undergoing some challenges, and I’ve wanted to break the ice, but every time I try, it goes nowhere. I know it’s her choice whether to open up to us, but it does make it awkward to sit around making small talk month after month feeling like we’re not really fulfilling the calling.

The other woman once complained to the RS president that we weren’t coming often enough. We were coming about once every other month, and on the months we didn’t come, it’s often because we couldn’t get a hold of her. She wouldn’t return phone calls to set up appointments, yet she was mad that we didn’t come. We would stop by with a note or treat in those cases, but apparently it just wasn’t good enough. I feel that that incident, though we’ve never talked about it with her, has been difficult to get over. I can never visit her without wondering what she is thinking about us. And honestly, half the time we go, she doesn’t really act like she wants us there. There are some incredible mixed messages going on. On many of the months we missed, when I’d apologize to her, she’d say, “Oh, I understand. It’s fine.” Yet it obviously wasn’t, or she wouldn’t have gone complaining to the president.

So I guess I think that as much responsibility for the success of VTing and HTing lies with those being visited as it does those doing the visiting.
TJ Hirst
January 29th, 2009 @ 9:49 am

I am an active member of the church in an a rural part of Minnesota where the resources of the church are stretched so thin that priority for home teachers priority is given to strengthen less active families only, and active families do not have assigned home teachers. I can empathize with Juliana’s need for more, I would love the uplift that would come from even a visit like she described. I said as much to my bishop husband just two days ago. On days like those, I would trade with you any day.

Perspective is everything, though, and in places where the church is new and growing, or small and struggling, many of us don’t have the luxury of relying upon even the basic programs for our spiritual strength. Some react by faulting the programs or the people who run or implement them, but after years of trying to shore up the programs as a leader here, I’ve learned that I need to go directly to the source of the oil to fill my lamp. Sacrament meeting attendance, connecting to the Spirit in scripture study, meaningful fasting and prayer, monthly temple trips three hours away. It is hard to have enough oil to share every month, but somehow the Lord has blessed me with “enough and to spare” for myself, my family and those I visit teach.
Julie P
January 29th, 2009 @ 10:23 am

Several points that will probably seem scattered –

1 – I used to be envious of people who had home teachers who came…we have lived here 2 1/2 years and had a home teaching visit 4 months. But I’d rather have nothing than what you’ve got!

2 – I think it’s part of “Mormon Culture” for the home teacher to schedule appointments with the husband in the family. I don’t get it, but that’s one thing I deal with instead of fighting against. My own husband does it when he makes appointments, knows it drives me crazy, but hasn’t/won’t stop.

3 – I would argue that your home teacher is not actually fulfilling his duty as home teacher. Just showing up is worth nothing, if he doesn’t CARE. The Lord did not just show up – he ministered, he loved, he cared, he taught.

4 – Not talking to you or asking about the kids? That’s just weird.

5 – I would not hesitate, since it sounds like this has been happening for awhile, to ask the Bishop/Elders Quorum president for a new home teacher. It is not inappropriate. My parents asked to have our home teacher switched once for a valid reason (my brother was on the edge of inactivity and our newly assigned home teacher had a substantial bordering on inappropriate run in with several young men just a few months prior). Just explain your needs to the appropriate leader and how those needs are not being met, and that it is important to you to have those needs met.

My husband traveled a lot for work. We were new to the state, with no friends and family here yet. After 6 months or so we were getting to know people, but had not yet had a home teacher. I told my husband I felt I really needed one to know that I had someone to call in Priesthood “emergencies” when he was out of town. He made the phone call, the Elders Quorum president said he’d see to it we had someone reliable assigned to us right away, and we didn’t see a home teacher for another year. So it might not work. But – it MIGHT.
Emily
January 29th, 2009 @ 10:25 am

I’m a believer in telling your Relief Society and/or Elders Quorum/High Priest Group leader what you need. There have been times when I could only receive visitors at the church, could only write letters, and couldn’t do any VTing at all. Right now I VT someone who doesn’t want sit down lessons, she wants to do activities together. So we go to museums and concerts – it’s fun!

Once, when I was growing up, my friend’s dad was our home teacher. He made a harsh comment to me when I disagreed with him regarding the length of his daughter’s shorts. I told my parents about it, and somehow he stopped being our home teacher. I found out later my dad had asked for a switch because he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable. Looking back it seems like kind of a trivial reason to ask for a switch, but it was sweet of my dad to do it. Your reasons for perhaps asking for a new home teacher seem quite legit to me!
Annette
January 29th, 2009 @ 11:07 am

I’ve reached the point of not really caring if the HT or VT shows up–but deciding that if I need something, I’ll ask them for it. My current VT is great that way–she’s genuine when she says to call if I need anything. I don’t call all that often, but when I’m in a pinch, I do call her. And I know she’s willing to help. To me, that’s much more the point of the whole system, not just the monthly visit and message.
wonder woman
January 29th, 2009 @ 11:35 am

We have lived in our Utah Valley ward for a year and a half and not had a home teacher yet. A few months ago we asked the elder’s quorum president who our HTs were because we needed a blessing. When he told us, I was surprised. One is the husband of my VT companion, the other the husband of a sister we visit. All of us are active.

I know that neither of these men served a mission, so I can understand them being uncomfortable and simply lacking the experience of visiting members in their homes.

That said, I can’t guess any more than anyone else why your home teacher behaves the way he does. Does he come with a companion? It can be awkward when he feels he’s the one responsible for conversation. And since when have men been superb at getting to know each other? =D I’ve been home teaching with my husband a few times, and I know it makes things easier for him.

As for him not talking to you……my guess is that he’s simply trying to maintain propriety and erring on the safe side. I know that I personally try not to get too friendly and develop a strong comraderie with the men at church simply because it’s too easy let the friendship develop into something more. I’ve seen it happen in a different ward I lived in. Both ended up leaving their spouses, and it all started with the couples being good friends.

Is it possible that he didn’t know your daughter was recovering from surgery?

And honestly, your experience points out to me the importance of visiting teaching. I think that often, sisters are better able to discern needs in a household. It doesn’t have to be a social hour, but just an extra “How are you really doing?” goes a long way.
Juliana
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:00 pm

I think you’ve all made really valid points. I believe what it comes down to is that the program itself is a great idea in theory. Unfortunately in practice it doesn’t always work out the way it was intended. I think what’s most important in life — not just in the Church — is that we learn to love and serve each other, even if it means stepping out of our comfort zones.
Mrs. Organic
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could fill out little surveys with our preference/needs on them? Whether short or long visits or just an email would help us most.

Families with needs can be intimidating to HT/VTs(I speak from the experience of having several medical difficulties in our own family), and I’ve never figured out how to get people over that part – we don’t really need more than to be cared about. Who wants to feel like a duty, an item to be checked off someone’s list – no one.
Katie
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

I suffer from social anxiety, and visiting teaching has continuously been a huge struggle for me. Heck, I have a hard time just going to relief society, let alone calling up someone I don’t know and then going to that person’s house and teaching them about something. I don’t how to tell you how hard it is to struggle with shyness.

Still, I try very hard to do my visiting teaching even though it is so hard for me because I have a testimony of its importance. I hope that even though I appear to be very awkward and end up making the person I am teaching feel awkward, that by doing what I can Heavenly Father will make up for what I lack.

Although I have a hard time getting myself to overcome my fears and make and go to my appointments, I know in my heart that if any of my sisters needed anything I would do it in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wish they would ask me to do stuff because it would help me feel that what I’m doing is actually worth something.

If any of my sisters were to say that they didn’t want me to teach them because I wasn’t “friendly” enough it would just about break my heart in two. And, frankly, reading this post has just about done the same thing.

I really, really wish I could be the friendly, warm person that everybody loves to talk to, but at this point I just can’t. I hope that the sisters I visit teach don’t hate me for it.
Juliana
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

Mrs. Organic, I whole-heartedly agree! Some people need a quickie visit, some people need someone who understands special needs kids, some people just need a friendly face. You could do a survey for visiting and home teachers too about the type of service they are able to provide and match people up.
Nigel
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

I think part of the problem comes because different families expect different things. I had hometeachers that would stay forever when I lived with my parents. I hated it. So, I assumed that everybody wanted a half hour visit. That is what I did for a while, until one family got mad that I would only stay for half an hour. So, I made them longer, then another family got mad that I stayed too long. It obviously comes down to each family’s preference, the problem is that people won’t say what they want. They just assume the HT will be able to figure out their individual needs from the uncomfortable silence.

If you want him to stay longer, say so. If he isn’t connecting with your kids, it might be because he is shy, or not a social person, or it could be that you said your kids are scampering around. It would be easier to connect with them if they were sitting on the couch. Just a thought.
Juliana
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:34 pm

Nigel,
If you can get a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old to sit on the couch, more power to you.
anonymous
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:36 pm

I find it hypocritcal that we are condemning this man for doing his job as a home teacher. Yes, maybe he is only going through the motions, but who are we to judge? One of my favorite quotes is from Marvin J Ashton. It seems appropriate here because what our author is doing under the cloak of anonymity is calling out this brother on his lack of charity, when I think this situation calls for more charity on the author’s part.

Marvin J Ashton, April Conference 1992

“Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more.

Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again.

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?

It should come as no surprise that one of the adversary’s tactics in the latter days is stirring up hatred among the children of men. He loves to see us criticize each other, make fun or take advantage of our neighbor’s known flaws, and generally pick on each other. ”

He goes on, and its all great stuff, but my 2 favorite parts are when he tells us to give each other the benefit of the doubt and that we should expect others are doing the BEST they can in whatever circumstances they find themselves in. When I feel like someone isn’t meeting MY expectations, I remind myself that for some reason, this is all they can do or all they can give right now.

Juliana, I know you may want more from him, but maybe he needs someone to be more outgoing to him. Maybe he is unsure of how to create a more personal relationship with you. Have you ever invited him and his family for dinner? Have you ever made brownies and invited him into your kitchen to eat them with your family? Just some thoughts.
Miggy
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm

I find that we grow into the church at our own pace. For example in our ward it is not uncommon to see some of the youth in jeans and t-shirts at sacrament meeting. In other wards this would have caused quite a commotion, but here–in an inner city ward–many of these youth are the only members in their families and while I hope one day they put more thought into proper and respectful Sunday dress, I have a feeling Heavenly Father is just glad to see them at church. I think this goes for SO many areas of the church. I agree that your HT probably needs to be a HT much more than you need him–thus I think patience will be required on your part while you allow him to make mistakes on your time. With that said, I do think that our growth into the Gospel can be jump started with kind and sincere help from others… I think it would be great if you guys could talk about expectations, or at least find a way to jokingly mention that you don’t have cooties and he can talk to you too. I think home/visiting teaching is based on a celestial principals–of one heart and one mind, no poor among them, etc–but in our present state we’re just doing our best to learn the basics and our efforts often come across as mechanical and insincere.
Camille
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm

I feel really lucky right now. Our home teachers have started bringing a message from the Friend because we have four kids under 6. The Ensign just wasn’t working for them. These men are so good to involve our little ones, and I’m sure part of it is because the one is an elementary school principle. He just got a new companion – it was one of the young men and our boys thought that was so cool. The new man seemed a bit overwhelmed by the chaos at first, then opened up and had himself a good laugh. My HT’s called to offer specific kinds of help while my husband was out of town for several weeks, and I felt comfortable enough with them to acctually accept it, which is rare for me.

My VT’s are new (and I’m grateful…the old set didn’t get along well with each other and it was always tense to say the least!). I don’t know them well because they are new to our area. We’ve started getting together (my VT’s and all 3 sisters they teach) for lunch and a visit once a month. We bring our kids (24 between all of us – we try to meet while half of them are at school) and let them play. I feel like we are all starting to become friends, and that’s what I need in a VT. The lesson is fine and good, but I need to know that if I was in a pinch, I could call these ladies and not feel totally ackward. Because let’s face it, I’m not going to call them for help unless something terrible is going on. And I don’t want to call a stranger when I am at my worst.
Juliana
January 29th, 2009 @ 12:46 pm

Anonymous,
I’m not condemning this man. I appreciate the effort that he makes, and I apologize if I appeared uncharitable to him. It is a little difficult for me when someone comes into my home and does not address me directly and only speaks to my husband — I feel like a second-class citizen. I realize he is probably trying his best, and we have indeed had a number of occasions to interact with him and his family on a personal level. As I mentioned in a previous reply, he has been our HT on more than one occasion, and we have known him and his family for a few years now, and the visits and interaction with me and my family are still the same.

It was not my intention to put up this blog post to rip on my home teacher, rather to open a discussion on home teaching and visiting teaching in general and how we can improve it. It is difficult for both the giver and the receiver of the visit. As Katie mentioned, many people have a social anxiety disorder and it may be their best effort just to step out of the house and into another person’s. It was my hope that we could all share good experiences/bad experiences and get some ideas on what we could do better.

Thanks for your comment.
Judy
January 29th, 2009 @ 2:38 pm

I haven’t read the other responses so forgive me if this is a repeat, but once when I have knew someone was not right for our family I went to the Bishop and Elders’ Quorum Pres. and asked them to change us. My DH is inactive and this particular man grated on his nerves. I knew it wouldn’t be a good situation.
Mommom
January 29th, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

HT and VT really are a two-way street. It takes willingness from both parties to make it work. And sometimes that means thinking outside the box.

If either your HT or VT hasn’t been over to see you, called or contacted you, did you go to them and tell them you missed them and would love to hear from them?

If they respond that they’re schedules are horrendous and they’ll try to do better – did you ask, is there a way we can help with that? (Set a specific day, time limit, place?)

One of the first things we always do when we move into a new ward is find out who are HT are (after a reasonable time). Many times we’ve introduced ourselves to them and told them we’d love to see them and how much we’re looking forward to their visits.

This doesn’t always mean a visit every month. But it usually helps establish a friendship and then when my husband is gone, I know who I can call or who to call when we need an additional priesthood holder.

At the moment we’re actually meeting our HT in his home. He has a toddler and our home isn’t really toddler proof (and we love having the whole family over) so we go to his home on a set day of the month.

My VT have been and are some of my best friends. So have those I visit taught. Some of those I visit teach are harder than others. Mostly trying to know how best to serve them.

I can empathize though. We did have a HT where I felt he was assigned to us more for him than for us. I still think there was inspiration in that assignment on the part of the EQ president. It was not easy for us. Perhaps we were at a point that we could have him as a HT. Everyone needs to learn and he needed to be a HT.

If I’m interpreting an underlying meaning from a majority of the comments – it would be there needs to be friendship and communication.
Mommom
January 29th, 2009 @ 3:20 pm

oooo that was longer than I thought.. sorry
Claudia
January 29th, 2009 @ 3:35 pm

I can certainly identify with your frustration. It is often difficult to get just the right fit when these assignments are made.

It is part of the way the home teachers are instructed. They are supposed to be teaching the whole family, but at one time they were told they should ask the father what he wanted help with. I think this was to help with families where there was no priesthood holder. Showing deference for the father as head of the household was supposed to help home teachers develop relationships of trust and influence.

It is just me, but I would be put off by someone just up and asking me why I am not friendly enough. Mommom has made an very good point.

Ben Franklin said that the best way to get to know someone is to ask them a favor. Borrow a book. Ask for a blessing. Show interest in the person you want to influence. Ask his advice. Invite him and his family over for dinner.
sarah
January 29th, 2009 @ 4:48 pm

see, that sounds like the perfect visit to me, as i have horrible social anxiety, especially in a church setting. but if that isn’t YOUR thing, a change needs to be made. i suggest you or your husband talk to the bishop or elder’s quorum president and request a change. who knows, maybe there is someone out there that needs and could benefit from your home teacher.

i heard of a ward that did do a survey/questionaire about the kind of visiting/home teacher you are/need. it was used to pair companions too. there were some people who thrived on contacting the teachees, loved calling and setting up appointments (not me) and they were paired with people who wanted to serve but had a little hesitation taking the first step (me.) i think it’s a great idea.
homeschoolin'henn
January 29th, 2009 @ 6:02 pm

We have lived in our current home for 6 1/2 years, and had HT in our home 4 times. Ironically, it was the best HT we have ever had. We joked that we needed our big hole on our property filled in, and he showed up with a huge bulldozer and took care of it! WOW!

As far as VT, I prefer to ask them to lunch in addition to a VT appt. It seems like they open up a little more that way. Personally, the VT’s I have had, I would not feel comfortable really talking to. Sometimes, obeying the commandment consistently comes to someone before the testimony of the act. Give the guy a break, make it as easy for him as possible, and look elsewhere in the ward for the more intense needs to be filled. There are some things I just ask our bishop for help with, for confidentiality reasons.
Brenda
January 29th, 2009 @ 6:16 pm

I completely understand where the author is coming from. We’ve had HT’s that we’ve bonded with and others that we haven’t. But in the end, I have to commend any home teacher who does their job. Even when I haven’t felt a connection with our HT’s I know that I can call them for a blessing or to help with something around the house while my husband is out of town. Wouldn’t it be worse to have no contact at all?
Kaye
January 29th, 2009 @ 7:37 pm

sounds like the perfect HT. Get ‘em in and get ‘em out. They only get better if they visit you at church or don’t bother at all. I love my VT’s but HT’s are always awkward.
Jen
January 29th, 2009 @ 8:22 pm

I have found as I get older that the things that used to bother me just make me laugh now. The last time my VT came to visit me they brought their small children with them. I recently purchased new furniture in my front room and that is where we had to visit because it was to cold to go outside on the deck (to let the kids run and play). One child in particular began jumping from one couch to another couch and back again. The mom would say something and then he would start up again. I proceeded to try and listen to what they had to say as well as to some of the things they were dealing with and then they left. I had a good laugh at how hard we try to have things go a certain way and how they really turn out. It may seem that I wasn’t spiritually fed that day but I was. Laughing is just good for the soul. People are going through so many different things and have so many different types of personalities that I really think they do the best they can depending on where they are at. As LDS people we need to learn to not be so uptight about how we think everything should be. We never know if the HT or VT coming into our home is struggling with something significant and just trying to be obedient to the Lord. I applaud anyone out there who makes the effort to fulfill their duties. We live in such a selfish world that it is nice to see people even trying. Let’s all try to relax and laugh a little more….after all….it is only but for a small moment.:)
Jannet
January 29th, 2009 @ 9:57 pm

I, like everyone else, have had good and bad experiences with home and visiting teachers. It is hard to throw three women or three families together and expect that there will be great chemistry every time. Sometimes we just need to show a lot of charity to one another until the situation changes. I have had companions or “teach-ees” that turned into good friends, others who I never quite clicked with and we both were relieved when the lists changed.I assume the same is true for home teachers.
I think that if you have a specific need that isn’t being met, you should ask for help. If the teacher can’t give you what you need, then go to the leadership and get your needs met there. Maybe a new assignment, or maybe a temporary help from someone else who can be of service.
We once were assigned a home teacher who was deployed nine months out of the year, but he always came when he was home. One month, the only time we could meet was a Saturday morning, so we all met at IHOP for breakfast. When he was out of the country and we needed something, we called the EQ Pres who sent us “substitutes”. The home teacher was able to keep his calling and serve when he could, but we were able to have our needs met.
My current home and visiting teachers read my blog every week, so are very informed of what is going on with our family. They know when to show up with food, lawn mowers, or prayers. I love it. They don’t have to sit on the sofa and ask if we need anything. My visiting teachers are my good friends and I love long visits with lots of chatting. My husband prefers the home teachers are in and out as fast as possible so he doesn’t lose the little family time he has.
I think the key is flexibility and charity.
Inspired program, imperfect people.
mormonhermitmom
January 29th, 2009 @ 11:02 pm

I know I was spoiled when I was a kid. My father set up a standing appointment with our home teacher. Every fast day in the evening. It was a permanent thing on the calendar. And barring devastating illness he came every month, and not only with a spiritual message. He was a college professor so sometimes he would read something from a secular book that fit the lesson. He talked with everyone in the family. I’ve never since a home teacher like him since. These days I’m grateful if they show up at all. I don’t mind if my husband makes the appointments. Because my husband isn’t home as often, I’d rather he talk with the HT’s so they set up a time my husband can be home.

I think a questionnaire is an excellent idea for helping to match HTs to families and what they need in a visit. My new VTs gave me one to fill out just this month. I may have to do that with my teachees.
Giggles
January 29th, 2009 @ 11:20 pm

I had a home teacher who came every month, talked to himself for an hour about himself, and then left. If he talked to me or about me it was to tell me what I was doing wrong that I wasn’t married yet. He was older than my father and had never been married. I have since realized that he is the PERFECT example of what NOT to do on a visit. I could tell stories.

At that time I had great visiting teachers and they knew that if I ever needed the priesthood, I would be calling their husbands and not my home teacher.

After being basically ridiculed and belittled in my own home by my home teacher for several months, I told the bishop. It was changed the next month. The new home teacher couldn’t make it to my place every month, but he talked to me at church and I knew he cared and it was leaps and bounds better.

If I’ve gone a while without home teachers coming, I go to the Elder’s Quorum president and ask him who they are so I can call them and ask them when they want to come over. Might be a little forward of me, but it works.
JKS
January 30th, 2009 @ 1:38 am

If you would like a closer relationship, try inviting him (or him and his family) to dinner. Or offer a treat.
YOU and your husband are the hosts. Is there time after his message to discuss the message? Can you paraphrase to your children? Ask them questions? You could have treats.
There are some ideas.
We got a home teacher last month. When he came, I mentioned that if he ever wanted to bring his little kids, that would be fine with me (they have a baby and toddler).
SilverRain
January 30th, 2009 @ 8:02 am

I guess this is where I’m more like a stereotypical man than a stereotypical woman. I think that if you’re not willing to have a conversation with the person, “uncomfortable” or not, than the fault rests with you. People can’t read minds. If you don’t pipe in and say “Hey, my daughter is just recovering from surgery,” how is he to know that? If you have a need that you want filled, ASK, whether that be a more spiritual message, or whatever. Be honest, don’t just say “well, if he really wanted to home teach me, he’d pay more attention.” No one is less than busy these days. No one has less than a thousand things niggling at their minds all the time.

I would be far more offended by someone asking to have someone else teach them without saying anything to me than I would by someone honestly and charitably asking me for help or coming to me with something. You don’t have to go up to him being confrontational and say, “Hey, why don’t you talk to me?” or “Why don’t you share more spiritual lessons?” But it is ought not be far out of anyone’s comfort zone to gently turn the conversation towards a more spiritual bent during the lesson, to try to show the interest in his life that you want him to show in yours, or to ask him “Have I done something to offend you? I’ve noticed that you don’t talk to me or meet my eyes. I’d like to do whatever I can to make amends,” or something along those lines.

Sure, he may be mortified if he’s just shy, but at least you’d know why he isn’t talking to you and perhaps be able to understand a little better. And, speaking from experience, shy people get over it once you take the initiative to get through those barriers and get to know them.
SilverRain
January 30th, 2009 @ 8:05 am

And, just for the record, I think that applies not only to home/visiting teaching, but to Church service in general.

Now, the time to suffer or complain comes when you ask, and are ignored or told outright that you don’t deserve help.

Luckily, that’s rare.
Juliana
January 30th, 2009 @ 8:44 am

SilverRain,
I really appreciate your comments as well as everyone else’s. I guess I should have made it more clear in the post that I HAVE attempted to engage our home teacher. I have tried to make conversation with him, discuss our children with him, etc., and he continues to address only my husband during his visits. I am a casual friend with his wife, and we have had their family in our home — we have known him for several years, and despite my best efforts, nothing has changed. It’s something that I am working on personally, and we have asked to have a change made in our HT assignment.

Again, the point of this post was not to bash my home teacher — I know everyone has issues they are dealing with and struggles they face, especially with service in the church. My hope was to open up a larger discussion about how we can make the programs of visiting and home teaching better for everyone.

Thanks to everyone for your comments.
Annie
January 30th, 2009 @ 9:04 am

Ideally, there’s a “goodness of fit” between HTers and HTees. We’re a family who really who prefer quarterly visits and just friendly checking in other times. Maybe one thing an EQ or HP leader could do is emphasize asking the family what would be best for them. Or do a questionnaire that gets handed to the home teachers.

The HTers I had growing up were very elderly men. At the time I’m sure I rolled my eyes when they came, But now I remember when one of them stood up, leaning on his cane and sang the full hymn “O My Father” for us in his deep baritone. It brings tears to my eyes.

My favorite home teacher story is my husband’s grandmother’s HT who called her EVERY EVENING to make sure she was okay (she was a widow in rural Idaho). What a simple, loving act that took one minute a day.
anon
January 30th, 2009 @ 9:15 am

I love when home teachers get more personal. Our last couple of sets were great–one set more spiritual than the other, but both sincerely interested in us. Knowing who our current home teachers are, they will probably never come. I feel sad about that, but then I reflect on what a lousy VT I can be, more often than not, and I know I can’t judge.

I think who the comp is can make a huge difference. The more spiritual home teachers we had were actually a married couple. The husband’s partner wouldn’t come, so he brought his wife. They were amazing. My husband wants to be a good home teacher, but has found it hard to be personal with the families at times, depending on who his comps are. His last comp was superficial and wanted to be done asap. My husb. would get super frustrated with this, especially when the family really had some needs. When his comp couldn’t make it and I went with him instead, he really liked the freedom to reach out more.

When I think of how deeply I need my visiting teachers and how our lives are blessed by sincere home teachers, it makes me want to do better at my assignments.
Lori
January 30th, 2009 @ 10:22 am

A new VT asked me, “How do you like to be taught?” I assumed she wanted to know if I preferred to be visited in the morning, afternoon, or evening. Before I had a chance to reply, she continued, “By phone or by email?”

I was stunned.

She never did call or email, only shoved something at me through the front door on holidays without even entering my house. I stewed about it for a long time. She was a prominent member of the community. What did her actions say about her feelings toward me? Was I just chopped liver? Wasn’t I worth even a few minutes of her time each month? I had chronically ill children and myriad trials. Why wasn’t she ministering to my needs? (To this day I still don’t know if she even had a partner—if she did I never once heard from that person.)

Next to front door I have a picture of Christ with a caption that reads, What would Jesus do? I placed the picture there with instructions to my kids that they should consider the question as they face the inherent challenges and heartaches of daily life. While pondering the situation with my visiting teacher, the picture and its question came to mind. I asked myself what Jesus would do about my visiting teacher? The first thought that came to mind was that he would love her. I saw that the choice was mine: find fault with the VT or chose the Savior’s way.

I also became impressed with the fact that if we are instructed to “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you” it followed that we should also love, bless, do good for, and pray for those whom we perceive as austere, inattentive, or just plain clueless.

As my attitude changed, my heart did also. It became a great opportunity for learning and growth. I reached out to my VT in goodwill and friendship and she didn’t change one bit!

But I did.

Because I chose to follow the Savior in the matter I was blessed with the strength to cope with my challenges. I also learned that there were many ways I could improve my stewardship to those I visiting taught. Perhaps my efforts to do my best as a VT will have a ripple effect. Maybe one day down the road they will remember how I reached out and truly loved them. Then they, in turn, may choose to more fully minister to the needs of those whom they serve.
Michelle Glauser
January 30th, 2009 @ 10:42 am

That’s exactly what I want in a home teacher: someone who comes, gives a SHORT message, and leaves. If you want him to be more interested in the family, you should offer the information. He probably avoids your eyes because he’s afraid of giving your husband the impression that he’s forming an inappropriate relationship with you.
j
January 30th, 2009 @ 11:07 am

My VT called yesterday to ask if they could stop in today to, “get this over with.”

Nice.
Lisa
January 30th, 2009 @ 11:40 am

I can only think of 3 home teachers in my married lifetime. My husband is not active and in one place we lived, it was our Bishop who came, in another place, a good friend, and currently, we have someone who has a shy personality, as opposed to my husbands very out going personality. The guy is nice, but also doesn’t address anyone really or have lessons for the kids. But the most uncomfortable part of the visit is that my husband is so bored and can’t stand the silence that he just takes over. He makes the small talk, asks for the message, and then asks for the prayer. Bang, bang, bang. I cringe the whole time! For our families sake, I would love love love someone who could eventually be a friend to my husband. But I haven’t asked. Partly because at one point our home teacher was the EQ President and partly because he is nice and I know he is doing his best.

However, I read the Ashton comment, and now I feel like I have some work to do. Thanks for posting and for the discussion!
Paula
January 30th, 2009 @ 2:04 pm

Lots of lengthy comments! Wouldn’t it be great if our home and visiting teachers asked US what kinds of visits (and help) we needed from them? Maybe as visiting teachers we could make that same effort. “What do you want from me as a visiting teacher? What kinds of visits do you need or want?”
SilverRain
January 30th, 2009 @ 2:06 pm

Juliana—I’m sorry that it sounded as if my comments were directed at you, specifically. It’s hard to talk about concepts within the context of the post without sounding as if I’m only directing your situation.

I posted what I did, because I think that expecting others to know how to act and what to do is a common ailment in the Church. As is evidenced by comments here, as well as many things I’ve heard said over my years in the Church, many people take a somewhat passive/aggressive approach to these sorts of things. I prefer the forthright approach.

Being a person who sincerely wants to help people, but who finds herself completely unable to know how to help, as well as being a person who has a very hard time asking for help and wants people to intuit it for her, I am particularly sensitive to this.

I truly believe that one way we can enhance all Church service, and not only Home and Visiting Teaching, is to be willing to be honest with our fellow men. We must be honest about how we feel and what we need, as well as about more traditional things.
SilverRain
January 30th, 2009 @ 2:08 pm

After all, it is quite hypocritical to expect someone else to take initiative and ask us what we need when we’re not willing to take initiative on our own behalf.
Jerry
January 30th, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

Certainly sounds if HT isn’t working real well. I have found that I go through the motions when I don’t feel welcome in the home. Like when I show up I have to ask to come in, and there is very little back and forth vs. the families that invite you in and share what is going on with them with little or no prodding. I think the bottom line is it takes both sides to make it work if you don’t share and he doesn’t either than there will be no connection. I do try to take the lead in my house though and make sure eveyone that wants to be included in the conversation is. It doesn’t make sense to leave it up to them if they are struggling.
Liz C
January 31st, 2009 @ 2:02 am

I’m an intensely private person. I don’t need “insta-buddies.” I don’t *want* HT in my house on any sort of regular basis. I don’t *want* them to “leave me with a message.” I’m an intelligent person, and can read quite well all on my own (and have done since I turned four); I don’t know or like the HT well enough to *want* to have a spiritual discussion with them. I’ve a non-member husband who is definitely a challenge unto the spiritually complacent, and I’d rather not have a once-a-month visit where I spend the whole time trying to put out fires that the HT’s start when they assume that DH is not a member just because they’ve not been pushy *enough*.

So I’ve not had them come for several months, and life is really, really nice.

And then I war and war with myself, because I’m not being terribly charitable toward them, but I really don’t need the extra aggravation and annoyance of the visits. And we seem to attract really *weird* HT, too… to the point that twice, I’ve requested a set leave, and not come back, and asked to have them changed entirely, because my “creepo-meter” was dinging off the scale.

I know it’s a program that has importance. VT/HT has the capacity to expand us beyond our own lives, and teach us compassion. But DANG am I tired of dealing with it.
Kay
February 9th, 2009 @ 5:35 am

I think we all want different things from our home teachers. I have always thought that all I really need is to know who they are and that I can call them in an emergency. I still think that holds true for me. My husband works away from home most of the week leaving me with our 3 children. Today the emergency happened. Did I ring them? No, because I don’t know who they are. At 4.oo.a.m. when a 2 foot block of stone came hurtling through our back door waking up everyone and causing devestation in our kitchen, what did I do? I went into panic mode. Luckily it is Monday so my husband had not left for his week away yet. Which means that he could deal with it, with the mess, the police, the insurance, the hysterical wife and upset children. What if it were tomorrow? My first thought actucally had been to call our home teachers but we do not know who they are. We have no relatives nearby. We have close friends and they would come if I called them. My husband rang the police immediately, they came within about 20 minutes. Still, it would be nice to know who are our home teachers if we ever have a problem again, especially as I am so often on my own. Honestly, usually I consider myself to be a competant person who can handle most things. Clearly I am not good in a crisis! We have asked several times to find out who they are by the way, it is not for the lack of trying in that department. My husband says that they are asked to focus on the less active in our ward. Even so, shouldn’t the rest of us at least have a phone number and a name?
Kay
February 9th, 2009 @ 5:37 am

I know the timing looks odd on the post. 4.00.a.m. was actually hours ago here as it is now 11.40.a.m. in England.