The Pleasures of the Flesh

Posted by Brooke | March 3, 2010 | 25 Comments

He seems to love Wii more than me.

And he is six, and who knew this rampant need to play video games was buried inside his fingertips and probably stretches deep: up his limbs to his firm, round shoulders?

I’ve lamented this fact since the Wii arrived for Christmas, and I have people try to console me with the notion that he’s being “active,” but I just wish he was in the backyard gulping fresh air and using his thick legs in long strides. Playing real sports. Running real laps. Using real rackets.

Our only defense and power over Satan are these luscious, strong bodies. And I wonder, in this virtual age, if we sacrifice the pleasure of doing something physically because it’s so much easier to do it virtually via avatar or mii.

Has pornography replaced sex? Would people rather engage in a false identity perversion than work on marriage with an emotional/sexually unexciting/perhaps difficult or unattractive (read: very human) spouse? Has creating an ideal online persona via sprightly blog and Facebook account become more important than working on a real, live person forging their way through experience? Would my kids rather play with a Wii than a live he or she? Has a simulated universe replaced our own yucky, messy one? And do we prefer that?

And I’m not talking generally of course, I think a healthy online persona is easily grasped for most people—I’m talking about the margins. Those I know who have fallen into these virtual worlds. It scares me for myself, my children. Sometimes it’s not a moral choice, I just feel the easy pull of melting into the mindlessness of Stumble Upon or babysitter Wii.

But: when Satan says he will take up those who follow him and posses their bodies, is this what he means? That we’ll give up our physical lives for fake ones?

That’s the complicated question. These easy ones are these:

How do you limit screen time in your home—for yourself and others?

How do you keep a real, balanced, healthy online persona?

Comments

25 Responses to “The Pleasures of the Flesh”

traci
March 3rd, 2010 @ 9:28 am

Wowsa! Hard Questions. Anxious to see others answers.

We do not have any tv stations,and made that decision about 3 years ago. We felt we would watch life instead of live it. We don’t think others are wrong, my husband says it is just too easy for him to sit in a chair.
We do a lot of internet! He can easily spend 5 – 8 hours on it on a weekend. I really work at limiting mine to when work is done, – ok mostly (smile).
Internet is often good for me with educational and community communication. Like this blog is very fulfilling. Especially with my physicalness and not always leaving the house often.
We do watch movies on the tv – about I’d say 2 – 4 hours a week on a good week. Sometimes 2 weeks go by with nothing.
We also don’t do any gaming, newspapers (except online obits etc) and npr radio.

One thing I learned tho, hanging around some extremely disciplined religious women I know. No matter what you give up, someone has trouble with what you kept. (Some are very offended that I listen to radio, read novels, watch movies and have a Christmas Tree.And I’m sure if I would do those things there would be more of a list.) So it really has to be a personal decision for your family.

I really liked what I read here once. That explaining to their children – each family has their own rules.
Our friends often make fun of us – but we are very comfortable with it. Ok, most the time. Sometimes when we are in a group of people talking of current things – Olympics, new tv shows, etc, – when we leave my husband will say – Now I know how the Amish feel in public. (Smile).
Jennie
March 3rd, 2010 @ 9:37 am

I love grounding my kids from the wii. They actually do things and play! It’s great!

A couple of weeks ago we were having our carpets cleaned so for a few hours we had to stay trapped in the kitchen/family room where there is no carpet. We played games and had such a good time with everyone getting along (sort of). It was magical! I want to do that more often. But it’s so easy to just let them veg out in front of a screen.
Angie f
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:09 am

Elder Bednar’s CES talk last year on this exact topic is powerful and has been the subject of great concern and planning by our stake president. So we have thought a lot about it as a ward and stake family and as our own individual family. I think anything that separates us from or causes us to diminish the power and importance of our bodies is something Satan will try to use to relieve us of our agency and our second estate.

My family is young still. We have Wii and cable and internet (and we are information junkies, all of us) and we are constantly re-evaluating and revamping our rules about screen usage. It is so easy to slide into mindless use. Our best family plans seem to involve planning–both the the time we will be spending and how it will be spent: not just surfing, “seeing what’s on” or playing just to be playing. Very rarely is anyone on the Wii alone (well except for me and my early morning Wii Fit attempts)–we try to use it as a family or father-son interaction time (DH is currently laid up post-foot surgery, so it has been fabulous). TV usage is to watch a specific pre-planned program and then turned off. We try to similarly plan and limit computer usage. We seem to be more balanced and happier when we stick to these guidelines. When the guidelines erode due to sickness, exhaustion and/or laziness and we fall into all screens all the time, we argue more, the kids are crazy more and we have to enforce some screen fasting time, sometimes just a day, sometimes up to a month of no screen time. The first day is always the most difficult, but after that everyone re-sets and we are better able to make more reasoned choices. Perhaps what we need is a monthly screen “Fast day” like Fast Sunday is for food?
jendoop
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:25 am

We’re pretty liberal with the use of electronic media in our home. We’ve got it all – Playstation3, Wii, 3 TVs with DVD players, satellite TV, Iphone, etc. Our biggest rule is no screen time until after 5pm on school days. The kids go to bed at 8, so with dinner, chores, and showers there isn’t a ton of time for them to “plug in”. Our teenage daughter has a cell phone but never uses it, not even for texting. She also has a MP3 player but uses it rarely as well, so we never have to compete with ear buds. We try to teach our children to do all that is necessary first, then let them make choices about how to spend their free time (our teenager often chooses a nap because she’s got early morning seminary). I feel that our trust and gentle guidance goes a long way towards teaching our children to monitor themselves.

My husband grew up in a home where TV was the touchstone of the family. They connected through watching sports and movies together. He and I disagree about how much of a family activity it really is to watch TV and about what is appropriate (I hate it when my kids quote The Simpsons!).
Gwenevere
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:28 am

To say that that TV, Internet, gaming is ALL EVIL is an untrue statement. Shunning them completely, although necessary for many, is not prudent for all.

As we all are aware (because we are reading this post) If it were not for these advances in technology, we would be unable to communicate our messages with millions of people. The trick, like all things we have been blessed with, is learning how to manage it within righteous limits. You used the example of sex. Sex is not bad, we just need to use it within the bounds the Lord has set.

We are not asked to live a cloistered life and in order to reach the world with our message we have to be apart of it to some extent.
mom o' boys
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:31 am

Clearly, what works in one family may not work in another, depending on ages of kids and your spouse’s preferences. I have four boys aged 4 to 12. We’ve chosen to own no video game devices, either portable or other. It wasn’t a conscious choice at first. Mostly, I could never bring myself to spend the money on the equipment that would be outdated within a few years and then all the games that needed to go with it. At this point, my older boys have just resigned themselves to being a “no video game” family. They don’t even really bring it up as an issue. That might change in a few years. When their friends come over, they play Legos, go outside, play board games, or run around with Nerf guns. My boys are allowed some time to play some games on the Internet each day (only on approved websites). We do not have cable for our TV. We check out DVD’s from the library or use the RedBox or Netflix. I try to limit my school-age boys to about an hour or less each day watching movies. If they complain about being “bored”, I just remind them that I always have things for them to do (i.e. chores). That seems to always get them motivated to figure out something to do. I do think it’s much harder to limit screen time in our day since there are so many ways our kids can sit in front of a screen (i.e. DS, portable DVD player, Wii, internet, etc.). After doing some reading, I’d say that boys are much more likely to be sucked into video game addictions. I think the limits we set for boys need to be particularly firm and clear. Much of the achievement gap we’re seeing between boys and girls is due to the fact that boys are spending more screen time and having their attention spans shot.

I don’t think the choices we’ve made as a family are right for everyone, but it’s important to have limits so you really can have “real” time together as a family. Thanks for your post and your questions!
Melissa
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:59 am

These are tough questions. I equate media usage for others equal to putting me in a room full of really good chocolate and asking me not to eat it. My personality would probably want to eat it non-stop! We try, like many families, to save video or computer games for when homework and jobs are done. Sadly for my youngest, her older sister needs more time with homework, and because we can’t have the distraction in our small house, the youngest finds some art project to do or a friend to play outside with. Many times the virtual games are forgotten as the older one finishes and goes outside to play. We have our moments where technology gets in the way. Limits are the best way I’ve found to deal with it. The potential for addiction is really scary. We have to set the limits–our kids don’t know how. For ourselves, it’s harder, but it can be done. I moderated on a website during 2008 and it became an addictive type of thing where I was always on and checking things. It was fun and brought me joy, but at what expense? The Spirit nagged and I ignored, but I finally saw what was happening. Moderation may be the biggest, hardest thing we ever deal with in this life and technology can be such a slippery slope!
Rose
March 3rd, 2010 @ 11:30 am

Intersting take on things. I have a hard time limiting TV time, but I won’t allow any video games in my house. Ever!
mormonhermitmom
March 3rd, 2010 @ 11:51 am

I’ve held off on video games systems (no money, there are free games on the internet for kids). I’ve held off on extra t.v. channels (no money, you get a lot a crap along with the one or two good channels). I limit recreational computer and videos for the weekends after chores, the kids can easily be grounded from said computer/videos if they mess with me, and there isn’t anything on broadcast t.v. I want to watch anymore. I read more often than I watch, and I probably use the t.v. as a babysitter more than I should. It’s hard to balance the internet time because I can find useful information on it and it’s my cheapest way to stay in contact with my extended family. But media is just like anything…you get into it too much, and it takes you away from your family and God. That can happen with food, sports, academics, career, hobbies, just about anything taken to extremes can throw us out of whack.
Annie
March 3rd, 2010 @ 12:21 pm

We have t.v., computer, and (recently) a Wii. These aren’t inherently bad items but we do try to limit them so our kids can experience *life* rather than sitting passively in front of a screen for too long. Our best brainstorm was when we came up with this rule:

practice time = screen time

In order to get on the computer or a video game, my kids have to practice their musical instrument first(you could substitute with homework time or helping time or whatever) AND however much time they practice, that’s how much screen time they get*. This has transformed our family life for the past several years…it removes me from the equation (no more begging and negotiating) and keeps screen time to a minimum.

*we do allow longer for homework assignments on the computer.
m2theh
March 3rd, 2010 @ 12:43 pm

As I write this, the 4-year-old is in the other room playing Mario Kart. She absolutely adores the WII. She would rather play WII than watch tv. We limit her amount of time, and when she is really bad we take the WII away. Which works fantastic!

We enjoy playing it as a family, and I really don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s in addition to other things we like to do–it isn’t the only thing we like to do.

My husband grew up in a no video game family and one of his brothers is absolutely addicted to video games now. Perhaps if he’d had access to games as a youth along with a structured allotment of time to play he wouldn’t have such trouble peeling himself away from the games now.

And what I really like is that today’s games allow you to save your progress so you can come back to it later and resume. You don’t need to sit and play for 4 hours to beat the game. You can break it up over time.
Brooke
March 3rd, 2010 @ 1:03 pm

i don’t think computers and television and video games are inherently evil either. i guess my concern is when it replaces living life. i have no problem telling my kids no and being told i’m mean, but i realize this means i have to tell myself no a lot of the time too… which can be tricky. i do a lot of writing on the computer (and daddy works from home on his computer) and i know all of my friends blog or read lots of blogs and for me, it’s a time suck– it’s hard for me to balance it. i’m not saying that it’s that way for everyone. nor am i saying it’s bad. i think it’s a positive way of communication and a blessing to many, many people!

it’s just been strange to have my kids call me out on the very things i’m nagging them about…
rk
March 3rd, 2010 @ 2:16 pm

I think video/computer games are wonderful. I have a strict rule that my children do not get any game time until they finish a chore. Then they only get game time in half hour segments. Once the timer goes off, games are over. Sometimes my children beg me for chores to earn game time. I feel great about them playing away, because it means part of the house is cleaner.
In order for this to work, game time has to be strictly tied to work.
eljee
March 3rd, 2010 @ 2:21 pm

I’m one of those moms who thinks that media should be severaly limited for kids, and I feel quite alone in that. I have grappled with this for years (not so much believing that the media was detrimental–I’ve always believed that, but just having the guts and self-discipline to change things). About a year ago I took my children almost all the way off of TV and video games. They are only allowed to do either on Saturdays (and church videos on Sundays). We had just gotten a Wii when I did this, so it was tough, but I felt very strongly about it. I think it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, even though it is still hard to enforce on school vacations.

My frustration is that my son is saturated with media everywhere else he goes. He can’t watch TV or play the Wii at our house, so he just goes to his friends’ and does it. This is where I feel alone. I can’t ask other people to change the rules at their house; but I sure wish there were other moms who thought that kids should be doing other things besides playing video games all day long. My son is only 7.

I agree that these things aren’t inherently bad… but I feel they should be one or two things amongst a myriad of things that kids can do. Unfortunately, that’s not how it is. It becomes the only thing that kids want to do, and I think that’s really unhealthy. The only way to counteract this is to set limits. I definitely notice a change in my children’s behavior when they get too much media. And I think the very fact that they whine so much about not being able to watch more TV or play more video games is evidence that we need to cut it down even more. My kids did great in the summer, but now that my ds is playing the games at other people’s houses, I’m hearing more and more whining about my rules. It drives me crazy!

As far as my own screen time, I cut it way down when I required my children to do the same. When I instituted their no-tv-during the week rule, I also stayed off the computer until after they went to bed at night. Right now I stay off during the day except during my dd’s quiet time. Weekends are free media time.
jendoop
March 3rd, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

Momofboys, I feel that boys are just different than girls – their attention span and love of physical activity was a part of their gender long before screens were invented. I don’t think these differences in genders are bad things, they are talents to be developed for good. But that’s another topic for another day…
mom o' boys
March 3rd, 2010 @ 3:34 pm

Jendoop,
I hear you on this. I do think many of the gender differences exist starting at conception (and really in the premortal life too, I’m sure). There are two books, “Boys Adrift” and “The Minds of Boys”, which are particularly enlightening in showing us how things are actually changing for boys. The rates of high school graduation and college graduation are dropping for boys, among many other things. Clearly, screen time is only one of many factors at work, but it is not an insignificant one. Anyway, I don’t want to change the turn of this discussion. You’re right…it’s another very big issue. I just feel particularly protective of boys since I have four of them. Each family will have to find what works for them, but as everyone is saying here, limits are essential.
Carin
March 3rd, 2010 @ 4:15 pm

I had never thought of it that way…but it is really resonating with me. Great insight!
Michelle L.
March 3rd, 2010 @ 4:20 pm

Hi mom o’ boys, I have 5 sons and I hear you loud and clear. I feel like we have to be more strict about some things at our house because of the overabundance of testosterone. My worry with gaming is the violence in so many games. Which is also why, when my oldest was 15, we bought a Wii. It IS a great social tool.

I like online life, but I do try to restrict myself. I don’t want my kids to remember me as always sitting in front of the computer.
Sue
March 3rd, 2010 @ 9:29 pm

I am a total media hypocrite. I let the kids watch ONE half hour show per day, if there is time. But we got a Wii for Christmas (don’t ask me why) with only one game – Wii Sports. The rule was that they got 15 minutes each, but since they would then sit and watch the others play… And the WHINING about wanting to play more, GOOD GRAVY it drove me nuts. Anyway, when the CD got scratched two weeks ago it was a total relief. They’ve been outside riding bikes every day this week. YAY. I don’t think we’re gonna replace that CD.

As for myself – I won’t lie – I struggle with balancing it sometimes. For most of last year I was barely online at all, barely blogged, didn’t read many blogs – nada. But since the birth of number four it’s been much harder to get out of the house and the siren song of the internet has been harder to shake.
I blog and use Twitter, but I try to set limits for myself. I work in the mornings PT, and once work time is over my rule (that I sometimes break and sometimes don’t) is that there is no more computer til the kids are in bed. I actually have to turn the computer off so that I won’t be tempted to “just check one thing.” (Although I often cheat and read email and stuff on my phone.) And after they ARE in bed, I have to make sure I spend enough time with my husband, reach out to IRL friends, do the laundry, etc., etc.

I think you’re right, it can become all consuming. Thanks for the reminder.
m&m
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:45 pm

We also have a pretty limited media home — we don’t have a TV connection, and I have pushed off internet access (even games) until kids had to start using internet for school projects. We have started a little work time in exchange for screen time arrangement as others have as well. I still try to hold them back from too much, though.

We did decide to get a Wii because of the physical/social element of it, and so there was the option so that we could have friends over *here* for fun time. I didn’t want our home to be so barren in that way that kids always wanted to be elsewhere. I would rather have them here.

I resonate with this:

My frustration is that my son is saturated with media everywhere else he goes. He can’t watch TV or play the Wii at our house, so he just goes to his friends’ and does it.

For us, we have some pretty frank discussions with our kids; ultimately, I think they have to learn to self-regulate. This is a sobering thing to me and something I am deeply concerned about. No matter how controlled our home environments are, they need to ultimately be able to keep themselves in check wherever they are. As a bishop of mine once said: “We can’t put them in an armored car; we have to help them put on the armor of God.”
al
March 4th, 2010 @ 2:53 pm

Great post! My husband just introdused my four year old to his old Nintendo 64. It scares me how much he wants to play! Its ALL he talks about now.

I don’t want to have the “weird kids” who don’t have video games or internet, so yes, this absolutely concerns me.

Oh, and I like the “online me” way better than the real me. She always looks great on my blog and is usually doing fun things with her kids. I try to be more like her.
heathermommy
March 4th, 2010 @ 3:31 pm

What’s wrong with having “weird kids”?
Gwenevere
March 6th, 2010 @ 7:55 am

I’ll never forget the institute teacher who taught us that if we wanted to be an effective seminary teacher, we would have to get on the kids level. That means, know their music, the books they read, the movies they watch, the language they use. You have to be able to identify with the or they will NEVER trust you to teach them.

Don’t let your kids play alone. It’s an interactive system. PLAY WITH THEM.

In my later high school years my family LOVED Dr. Mario/Tetris & 007. We had competitions all the time and I knew that if I was out in the evenings with my friends and having a crumby time because my friends were watching movies I knew I shouldn’t be watching or engaging in other activities that were not uplifting, I could go home and spend the evening with my family, laughing and making awesome memories. I made it home WELL before curfew on a regular basis.

To those parents who are worried about their kids playing games all day at the neighbors house. They will. However I beleive that denying your kids the opportunity to interact with other kids and eventually learn to share what they know isn’t quite right either.

I’m going to say it again, I do not believe isolation is good for anyone. If fact, it’s one of Satan’s greatest tools. We must learn to live amongst the differences and guard ourselves against them. I am certain I’m saying this all wrong and someone is going to take offense. If that is you…I’m terribly sorry and if I’m wrong…help me understand.

Gwenevere.

P.S. How do I get a photo to post next to my comments.
Sue
March 8th, 2010 @ 3:14 pm

Actually, I don’t manage my media use much now that my kids are adults and don’t live at home. I probably should!

=)
bth
March 9th, 2010 @ 5:56 pm

“But: when Satan says he will take up those who follow him and posses their bodies, is this what he means?”

Good question.

(And just because you own a Wii, that doesn’t mean momma bear can’t put time/day limits on baby bear playing it. Good luck!)