The Politics of Exclusion

Posted by Justine | February 7, 2008 | 21 Comments

Who do you exclude? I’m pretty sure everyone does it. I’m afraid I must admit I do it. I’m not even really sure why I do it. But I know that I do. I don’t think I do it very often, but I still know it’s there.

The rotten thing is, everyone knows how rotten it is to be excluded. Why on earth would we want to be the one doing the excluding? And come on here people, isn’t it just a bit, well, junior high-ish?

Maralise got me thinking more about this with her discussion of “Utah Mormon’s” and “Mission Field Mormon’s”. Are we trying to put ourselves in a happy place by relegating other’s to a lesser status?

I sit in our chapel at church and watch the community of people flutter around. I see the machinations of neighborhoods eek out their fruits. Some neighbors naturally gravitate toward others, some seek solitude, some seek acceptance from everyone they meet. Our neighborhood is no different from so many others. We have movers and shakers, we have gossips, we have people that race each other to shovel the widow’s driveway after a storm. We have party-throwers, families with more cars than people, aloof and solitary families.

And I don’t really expect that we’re all going to be bosom, pinky-shake best friends and share secrets and have sleep-overs. But I would expect a certain level of kindness and neighborly love. Sometimes, though, that’s a bit to much to ask. I have been a newcomer, trying to break into the pack of girlfriends, feeling wholly inadequate, wondering how I will affect the delicate balance of their friendships. I have also been a member of the pack, stingy and selfish, judgmental and unbending.

I currently belong to no pack. I am also, however, no newcomer. I watch, sometimes amusedly, at the friendship dances women do to court each other. I watch playdates form, carpools evolve, Pampered Chef parties unfold. Some are accepted, others rejected. I wonder why. Why was she chosen? Why was she snubbed?

Sometimes money brings people together, sometimes lack of money does it. Sometimes it’s hobbies, shared children’s ages, callings, geography, PTA assignments, or book club membership. It really doesn’t matter what the catalyst is. We still gang up and pick on the other kids in the playground.

So, I’ll re-phrase the question Maralise asked. Why do we do this to each other? Why does one pack have to dominate another? Why do we have to dominate at all — isn’t that kind of, umm, testosterone laden? Where does the threat come from? How do we change?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

21 Responses to “The Politics of Exclusion”

Suzy
February 7th, 2008 @ 9:35 am

This is something I have always struggled with and will never understand. I have experienced this in Idaho (as a newcomer) and in Michigan (where I grew up) and no matter where you are this dynamic of our church culture exists and thrives. It’s almost a primal instinct, how certain people just gravitate to each other. I don’t get it. I try to be a neutral party and socialize with whomever, but it is difficult to hear about parties and play groups that “were so fun” and know that you didn’t get invited to them. I tend to think that the solution lies within each one of us, and a lot of it is attitude. Too much cattiness, not enough kindness. Too much selfishness and not enough sharing. Change can only happen 1 person at a time. I’m still trying and waiting, although pretty darn impatiently sometimes. Can’t we all just get along?!?
Dalene
February 7th, 2008 @ 10:49 am

It’s important to realize this is not something unique to our faith. People in general seem to be drawn toward people with whom they have something in common. While I recognize some people are territorial, snobby (is that a word?), selfish, threatened and/or unkind, most often it just happens. And once people are comfortable sometimes they have little motivation to mix it up a bit and make room for new people.

As for the economic aspect of it I understand how that happens as well. In my ward I notice couples who go out to dinner a lot together and who even vacation together. It’s natural the more time they spend together the more of a bond will form. Also, people who can’t afford to share some of the same interests are not likely to join them. Some people manage to reach out to others anyway. Others not so much.

As for how to change it? We can’t change other people. We can only change ourselves. I try to be inclusive, greet new people and invite them to things and unless I sense an event I’m hearing about is meant to be exclusive I get involved in it and join in and make sure others are included as well.

I remember in high school when I had friends from and was friends with people from all the different social clusters–even those that were taboo. I was aware of the groups, but not aware that it was unusual to be crossing over. I never understood why you couldn’t just be friends with everyone. I still don’t.
cheryl
February 7th, 2008 @ 11:20 am

I was ready with my words, but then I read Dalene’s comment, and I want to echo what she said (okay, and add some more).

I honestly don’t think snubbing happens on purpose (usually. Hopefully!). Sometimes, when I’ve reached out to differen types of women, it is made very apparent that although we can respect each other, we will never be close friends. I feel the same way about some family members. It’s not really about judging someone or intentionally having hard feelings towards them, we just don’t share the same interests. We disagree on several points of…well, life.

Should exclusion (the type you are speaking of) be a conscience thing? Absolutely not. Should we try to change it? Of course! But like Dalene said, we can only change ourselves.

When I moved last year, the new women around me accepted me immediately. I joined a book group, and within 6 months I became the “communicator” (emailing everyone the details each month). I overheard a conversation with a sister that did not usually come to our book group, and she said that a former member (now moved) had told her that it was “pretty exclusive” and couldn’t say whether or not this sister could join. I was shocked, to say the least. I immediately added this sister to my email list, and nobody else in the group cared. I’ve since added about 5 more women to our group within the last two months. And why not? Why can’t we include everyone? The more people, the better the discussions, I say!

But please do not think that this story somehow paints me as a perfect “includer”, because I have been guilty of exclusion. Like you said, I think we all have been guilty.
annahannah
February 7th, 2008 @ 11:30 am

In my ward, a friend and I decided to go to the temple monthly (2 1/2 hours away). We opened it up to everyone, making sure that Primary and YW knew about it. That is not the inclusive part, actually. While driving home, several times we talked about people who might not feel included or welcome in our ward. Then we made a commitment to either sit by them or make an effort to speak with them on sunday. The first trip identified 2-3 people. This last trip we identified 4. Hopefully on Sunday, and Sundays to come, the 5 of us in the car will seek opportunities to fellowship.

The temple trips, I guess, exclude those who haven’t been to the temple, but the fellowship activities certainly have the potential to make everyone feel welcome in our ward.
Family of 7
February 7th, 2008 @ 11:48 am

I love this post as, our Enrichment committee has been asked by our Bishop to also be the fellowshipping committee. I’ve had mixed feelings about this as we were not given much direction. I really love all the comments to this post as well as, they all describe my feelings.

Any ideas of how our committee can fellowship and encourage fellowshipping? You can’t force people to like each other and be buddy buddy friends but, how can we help determine those sisters who might feel left out and reach out to them? I live in the south where our ward is spread out over miles. It is a little different from neighborhood wards of the west and not as easy to pop by to see someone. I myself have always felt that if I felt left out or without a friend that I needed to take action to pray and look for one. I would love any of your thoughts?
Justine
February 7th, 2008 @ 12:16 pm

I, too, really believe that we each need to make an effort to involve ourselves, but there are just some people who are absolutely not going to do it — whether for reasons of shyness or defiance, or whatever, they are sometimes the hardest to include!

And I agree that different common ground will always make for small groups of like-minded women, but I’ve always been so bothered by how quickly it seems to become exclusive feeling. I was invited to a playgroup once, and the only person that even spoke to me was the woman that invited me. It was obvious that I was the spoiler on their intimacy.

A ward or branch, more than any other group on earth, should be the one place that we can go and feel loved and encompassed. It’s just so disappointing when that doesn’t happen.

I’m sure it doesn’t even happen on purpose most of the time. It doesn’t make it less painful to watch, though.
Liz
February 7th, 2008 @ 12:54 pm

I feel excluded a lot of the time at church. It’s mostley because I’m old (but not old enough) and single.

Enrichment is a good example. We’re having our R.S. celebration next month (as are most of you) and I’m dreading it!

If I sit with women my own age, they tend to talk about husbands and children.

If I sit with women who are single, they are the widows or divorces, and talk about what once was, or what went wrong.

If I sit by myself, I just feel like a pathetic loser.

So, I normally don’t go.

I have a few single friends who are in my same situation, and it’s tough.
Liz
February 7th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm

Sorry for spelling “mostly” wrong. That bugs me.
Heather
February 7th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm

I try to reach out to people but I’m not extremely close to anyone in my ward. I think I have high expectations. I’m looking for a kindred spirit and I haven’t found one in my ward. For me it is not about economics, loks, etc. It is about personalities clicking.

There is one particular sister in my ward who I know has not felt welcomed. I have reached out to her, invited her family for dinner, taken her to enrichment, and a girls’ night out but I wonder how much am I expected to do. We do not click at all. There is a big age difference and quite frankly she kind of gets on my nerves. Sorry if that is too honest. I just wonder do we have to be “friends” with everyone? I don’t have time or energy in my life for that. Is it enough to just be friendly?
Justine
February 7th, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

Liz, I’m sorry to hear about your experience. I know we’ve dealt with this in our ward. We have a sister who is now in her late 40s who has never married. She has really made this ward her own, though. We have a wonderful ward leadership who had her serve as the Primary President for almost 10 years! She became an enormous role model to so many children. I’ve often thought about the private isolation she must be bearing, but she is an enormous example to me of so many different virtues.

Your comment, though, made me remember that she needs to be reached out to in her own place, so feels she has friends who won’t just blather on about their kids.

Heather, I certainly hope I don’t have to be friends with everyone. I think being friendly is perfectly acceptable. But, like you, I feel the pain of isolated sisters. We don’t always have much in common, but I feel some sort of compunction to do something anyway!

Family of 7, I’ve been thinking a lot about your comments. I think we all have a responsibility to reach out to others, but we don’t have their responsibility to respond. The biggest goal we set as an Enrichment committee recently was to “provide opportunities for all our sisters to feel the Spirit.” That statement purposefully encompasses every sister, and it qualifies everything we do. We won’t do anything as an organization unless we are providing an opportunity for spirituality. Beyond that, we have to let the sisters decide if they’re going to take us up on the offer. We’ve had amazingly successful Enrichment nights with only a handful of sisters — but those sisters in attendance (including me) were deeply enriched indeed.
Naismith
February 7th, 2008 @ 3:36 pm

I confess, I never got the issue with “sitting alone.” To me, that is the height of luxury. I had a baby when I joined the church, and nowadays in Sacrament Meeting I am bouncing a grandbaby or the child of a bishopric member, etc.

I LOVE sitting alone in Relief Society, concentrating on the lesson.

I’m sure I appear rude to lots of folks if I don’t sit by them…but at least I am an equal-opportunity excluder:)

Also, I think this shows the downside of the golden rule: Doing unto others as you would have done may not be enough, if you are a weird introvert.
Family of 7
February 7th, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

Thank You Justine. I was thinking about our committee setting some goals to help us with our assignment. I love your thoughts on providing Sisters opportunities to feel the Spirit. The Spirit is the key we need to invite and listen to when trying to reach out to others. If we listen to the Spirit we can help ourselves as well. Thank you again to all who have posted.
Angie
February 7th, 2008 @ 3:59 pm

It’s interesting how different wards develop their own cultures. There are so many factors that can contribute to that, and I think many of them are not related to good or bad intentions of the members. I don’t think my current ward is at all cliquish. It is small, and everyone seems to be invited everywhere, rather than being divided by age or interest levels. Because we are in a remote geographical area I think there is also more of an expectation among the members that we will support each other and function as a ward family. The ward where I felt the least welcome was very large and growing very quickly, and I think that none of us could really keep track of who was who. Also, many people in that area were very involved with their extended families and with LDS friends in other local wards. I can think of a handful of times that I felt intentionally snubbed over the years, but overall that experience has been the exception for me.
Natalie
February 7th, 2008 @ 5:19 pm

I felt snubbed sometimes while I was growing up. I figured it was a combination of our ward’s caste system, our family problems, our level of activity and my parents being converts vs. people who had pioneer ancestors – they hadn’t been members all their lives and didn’t know how to “play the game.” We weren’t the typical LDS family. It’s too bad, because I think if we had been shown more kindness, more of my family members might be active now. When someone is struggling with his testimony AND doesn’t feel wanted or welcome, the desire to show up at church drops way off.

We all had our choices, and it wasn’t our ward’s responsibility to hold our hands all the way to church. But there were times when we felt like the ward’s “problem family” – and instead of trying to help, some ward members’ attitude seemed to be “Avoid them, or you’ll catch what they have.”

The ward I’m in now could not be more “ward family.” Those people have our back.
Angie
February 7th, 2008 @ 9:05 pm

Yeah, I certainly felt snubbed alot growing up. I think it had everything to do with my family not being active in the Church. I was the only religious one until my early teen years, then I left for a period of years, and my leaving had alot to do with not feeling welcome. It was interesting when i became active. I had lived in the same neighborhood for 5 years and not gotton to know anyone except my single mother and gay next-door-neighbors. Then in a period of a couple of months I had a dozens of Mormon neighbors inviting me to do different things. I imagine they didn’t think i was interested in them until I started showing up at church. I hope those friendships would have continued if I had stopped attending, although I didn’t have the opportunity to find out.
Amy
February 7th, 2008 @ 10:05 pm

Honestly, I think this is part of the “natural woman.” I’ve been watching my daughter and the girls in YW in our ward, and it is so clear to me that the motivations behind exclusion are to make yourself somehow SAFE in a friendship—if I leave you out first, then you’re OUT and I am, at least, IN. I think that some of it is based on personality.

I do remember very clearly when my mostly-inactive family decided to return to church activity. I was so angry that my mom expected me to all of a sudden be friends with the girls who had exluded me when we weren’t active.

I think I’m now one of those women who seems like she’s snobby and isolated and maybe hard to make friends with—like I enjoy solitude—but in all honestly it is simply hard to reach out after too much exclusion. I have made some friends in my ward who I value SO much, but I’ve never really felt like I “fit.” It’s sometimes less painful to keep to yourself.
John David Payne
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:25 am

>>
Why does one pack have to dominate another? Why do we have to dominate at all â€” isnâ€™t that kind of, umm, testosterone laden?
>>

As a testosterone-laden male, I feel excluded by your characterization of my sex as a pack of dominators. Just, you know, FYI…
Justine
February 8th, 2008 @ 10:55 am

So sorry, John. But whenever the word ‘pack’ arises in a conversation, I just get the irrepressible inclination toward all things masculine.

I’ll work hard to get over it.;)
Dalene
February 8th, 2008 @ 5:40 pm

Interesting, because I have rarely seen “pack” behavior displayed by men (except maybe on the basektball court), but I’ve seen some women be pretty adept at it ever since I was in jr. high. Women can be very territorial.

Just an observation…
Claudia
February 10th, 2008 @ 5:26 pm

When I was in high school my best friend moved away one summer. I remember on the first day of school in the fall I didn’t know anyone in any of my classes. It was horrible I was so distressed. It is one thing to sit alone in a class and another to sit alone at lunch. So I was really down in the mouth.

When I got home my mother asked how the day had gone. Since I was feeling pretty sorry for myself I told her my story of woe. She told me I didn’t have to be lonely and left out. Surely there were others in my school I could be friends with. Surely there was someone who had moved in who was looking for a friend as well.

So, the next day I made just a little effort during PE and found a girl who was new. Together we found another and before long we had our own group.

I learned from that. I never turn down an invitation. I never sit on an empty row, unless I want to be alone. I try to smile and be friendly–this does not come easy as I would rather sit out in a corner and wait for life to come to me. Although I rarely feel like part of the in crowd most of the people don’t know that. I just hang around the edges when I am really scared. Sometimes I manage to get right in the thick of things. I am really bad at this making friends thing. I feel threatened even as I write about it, all the while knowing that there are some people who don’t understand and believe I am an unfriendly snob.
Leisha
February 15th, 2008 @ 12:23 am

I’m always a bit late commenting…darn it!

I truly think it’s human nature. I find the same inclusion/exclusion problems within companies and school room mothers and in my kid’s preschool and 1st grade classrooms as I do at church.

For me…when I have been one of the members of the girlfriend clique that excluded others…it was mostly about insecurity and fear of losing friends. It sounds silly to say that out loud. But it’s true. I’m such a shy person and it takes a lot of effort for me to make close/good friends. Once I have them…I don’t want to lose them to others. Selfish and petty and ridiculous? Yes.

I also think you lose out on something if you spend all your time being friends with everyone. I crave close and intimate friendships…not just gabby girlfriends. It’s always been a struggle for me to always include everyone, even though I know exactly how craptacular it feels to be excluded.

I don’t know…I expect if including people is a struggle for you personally, it is like most things. Whatever is most comfortable isn’t the “right” thing to do. I would feel most comfortable sitting in front of my tv in jammies all day stuffing chocolates in my mouth…but I have to actually get up and exercise and eat oatmeal and do what is right.

I think including everyone is the same thing. It may not always feel comfortable and it may be difficult, but it’s the right thing to do. We have to go against the grain of the “natural man” or our “instincts” and do what’s right. I admire those that do it well.