The Ugliest Girl in the World

Posted by Guest | January 14, 2009 | 38 Comments

Blue is a mother of two and wife to a 40 year old med student(it’s never to late to chase those dreams!). You may want to share this wonderful guest post with your children.

As far back as I can remember I felt like a social misfit. Ridicule and name calling were a common part of my daily experience. It never occurred to me to question the negative things my peers told me, or the labels they gave me. “You’re the ugliest girl in the world,” “you’re a loser,” “no one will ever marry you, you’re worthless,” For some reason, part of me believed them, even though at church I was taught that we are all beloved children of God.

I tried to be nice to kids, please teachers, and be a “good girl,” but my ability to fit in wasn’t improving. Adults would tell me to remember that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

But the fact is, labels do hurt. They are like splinters that get under the skin and fester if not dealt with. In time, the negative labels given me crowded out the positive beliefs I’d been taught. I couldn’t reconcile them with each other.

By high school, I felt worthless, ugly and rejected. Ironically, the boys from my church and their friends were the most ruthless. Early morning seminary was nightmare, after which we would wait in the cafeteria for an hour till school started. This was one of the roughest parts of my day.

The boys had a folder with my initials written in big, bold letters on the front. Every morning they’d get out the folder, and brainstorm for insulting names to call me. Their lists were long, and they took great delight in trying them out on me.

Freshman year I took beginning drama. The class included students from every grade, including two seniors named Nick and Todd, who were identical twins. Nick and Todd were nice, unassuming guys who were generally well-liked. Since I was a freshman, it didn’t occur to me that I’d ever be on their radar. But one morning when I was enduring the ritual name-calling fest, Nick and Todd walked by. Thinking the twins might play along, one of the boys called out to them, “hey, check out ‘Mutt-face’s lame outfit today,” gesturing in my direction.

What happened next literally changed my life. Rather than joining in on the ridicule, these two guys stopped, glanced at me, then looked back at the boys and said, “You mean Blue?”

“No, Dog-face over there…” another boy responded, pointing in my direction.

Nick looked at the boys and said, “Actually, that’s our friend, Blue.” His look and tone indicated to them that he knew exactly what they were doing, and that they’d better stop. With a wink and a smile in my direction, they continued on their way.

It was a very small moment for Nick and Todd; it cost them nothing. But for me it was literally life-saving. The twins made an effort to be friendly to me from then on. They gave me the first glimmer of hope that I wasn’t completely worthless. Their friendship meant a great deal to me that year before they graduated and moved on with their lives.

Twenty years quickly passed, and life has turned out to be far richer than I ever dared imagine back in those days.

A few years ago I ran across the twins and decided to share what a difference their small kindness had made. They had no idea what my life was like at that time, or what their gesture could have meant to someone in my position. It was a joyful moment for all of us.

Has a small kindness ever made a big difference in your life? How have labels had an impact on you or your loved ones?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

38 Responses to “The Ugliest Girl in the World”

Brenda
January 14th, 2009 @ 9:27 am

Wow. I’ll definitely read this to my children. Thanks for sharing this story with us.
robin
January 14th, 2009 @ 9:33 am

this is a great reminder of the impact of small gestures (and the harm of mean comments).
b.
January 14th, 2009 @ 9:44 am

That is how I am trying to teach my children to be…thanks for sharing, it hit close to home for me.
Bethany
January 14th, 2009 @ 9:53 am

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I hope that my children can be like those twins. Here’s a topic for discussion. What do we teach our children so that they will make the choice that those twins made?
Ginger
January 14th, 2009 @ 9:55 am

It is amazing to me how cruel some children (and adults) are. I really don’t understand how that happens. This will definitely be read and discussed in our home. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Michelle L.
January 14th, 2009 @ 10:12 am

I love this essay. Thanks for sharing it Blue. And your question is fabulous Bethany– I think reading essays like this to them is a good start. We try to teach our kids that “you never know what’s going on behind the scenes.” But in all honesty, I sometimes have trouble remembering that myself.
Mrs. Organic
January 14th, 2009 @ 10:30 am

This is perfect for sharing in FHE. I love the huge positive impact a seemingly small deed can have.
Kim
January 14th, 2009 @ 10:33 am

What a great example!
wendy
January 14th, 2009 @ 10:37 am

Blue, this was wonderful. As I started reading, I thought, “This sounds like me.” But then your story got worse and I was grateful my high school peer difficulties were limited to being left out of things. Because of that, I gave myself some of the labels others gave you . . . ugly, weird, geek–otherwise why was I not included, right? I was very socially awkward and shy.

Years later, a friend told me I hadn’t been a geek, but I was “embarrassing” in public. At least it was validating to hear I hadn’t imagined things.

I guess my point with that is, even if the labels aren’t spoken, not being included is terribly hurtful. It made for some deep heartaches, as well as some insecurities that still come back to haunt me more often than I like.

My voice lesson teacher and a reading teacher were two adults that gave me positive feedback and helped me feel better about myself. I am just over 6′ tall (I felt quite lurpy), and their compliments helped me stand straighter (literally and figuratively). I also read a couple of good books my Mom had from her youth (“Someday You Will Marry” and “Be The Girl of Your Dreams”–not sure how cheesy they really are). The books, my growing testimony and the influence of those teachers very much helped my sense of worth grow. Even so, it wasn’t until I left my home town that I felt really free to change. Labels, spoken or not, can be powerful.

Interesting, reading your essay and others’ comments, I realized I have sometimes unwittingly injured others in the same way. Hm–something to think about for sure.

Thanks for sharing this, Blue.
Michelle Glauser
January 14th, 2009 @ 10:53 am

I just checked out your blog and see why they gave you the nickname “Blue.” You have gorgeous blue eyes! I have no idea why anyone would think you’re ugly, I hope their help for you in high school has lasted and that you don’t doubt your beauty.

As for life-changing moments, I would have to go for the time that my boss decided to promote me, although I would be leaving soon for a mission (which didn’t happen) and although I was junior to many other employees. He showed that he thought I could do a good job and I learned so much from working in that position though it was one of the hardest things ever.
La Yen
January 14th, 2009 @ 11:33 am

Thanks for sharing this story.

I will always remember flying to Chile on Christmas Eve to visit the in-laws, and I recently found out I was not pregnant (as usual) and got violently air-sick. More than two bags, air sick. And it was a long flight.

And on the way out to the next connector, this woman wearing a cowboy hat stopped me and said “I just wanted to tell you that I have been saying prayers for you this whole flight. I know Jesus will help you get through it.”

And it was so small, but it made me feel so loved.
alanna
January 14th, 2009 @ 12:02 pm

Wow. Thanks blue.

Wendy, I feel your pain. I stand at a queenly 6′ tall. Problem is, I was that tall when I should have been a cute-little-princess. Like in 5th grade when I towered over my male teacher. Scarring.
To add injury, I wasn’t thin like all of the other very tall girls. No, I came from a family of rather large individuals- not tall like me, that would have been nice, but overweight. And to top it off, I was raised outside of the church. Translation: I had no idea that I was a beloved daughter of God. I believed I was the product of some universal mishap.

Though childhood and adolescence were rough going, I cannot regret them. Cliche’, I know, but I am me because of that past. I found the gospel because my injured-spirit had become sensitive enough to long for that goodness I only whitnessed from a distance.

I don’t know who I would be if I had “gotten by on my looks.” My husband did, and it certainly was a disservice that he feels keenly as an adult. But that is a whole other discussion.

For now, thank you. This will certainly be shared in my home.
Leslie
January 14th, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

nice post- it is amazing how one small action makes big changes.
Claudia N.
January 14th, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

What a loss on the part of those bullies. They missed out on a terrific friend. Obviously, anyone that would be so cruel must have something wrong going on within themselves. And truly, just look at those baby blues, you are beautiful, inside and out.
Em
January 14th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

Thank you so much for this beautiful essay. I’m about to deliver our first child and this has made me feel the strong need to make sure my children know their worth and the worth of others. Kudos to the twins for standing up for you – I hope others will do that for my children and that they will do that for others. We never know what our small acts of kindness can do to change other’s lives. All the more reason to do them.
Justine
January 14th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

The pain of unkindness is so hard in childhood — so hard. I am so grateful for people like those twins were for you. I so want my kids to be those kinds of people.

And Bethany, I wish I knew exactly how to teach that, too! I’m sure it boils down to “teach your children to love Christ.” “Live the gospel.” I don’t think there’s anything magic or mysterious about the way to get there. The words are all simple and easy to understand. But that doesn’t make teaching them or living them any easier! Oh, my heart aches for what our children have to go through, for what we went through as children, for how unkind we can be to each other.
Diane
January 14th, 2009 @ 2:05 pm

My son befriended a boy in his high school gym class. He always tried to reach out to those around him, but up until this incident…he had no idea what a profound effect being a friend could make in someone’s life.

It was raining on campus and he saw his gym friend across the walkways. He shouted his name, waved and ran over to chat with him. This boy told my son that he couldn’t see who it was that yelled his name, but he knew it was him…and why? Because he was the only one at school that talked to him! This experience will forever be a reminder to my son and our family.
Ian M. COok
January 14th, 2009 @ 4:49 pm

Thank you for this essay. I shouldn’t read this kind of thing at work as it would be kind of embarrassing for my co-workers to walk in on my while i’m crying.

I too was picked on quite a bit and I was pretty much an outcast. I luckily made a couple of friends in high school that helped to get me through those years.

I would love for my children to be like those twins in your essay. I really hope that you have let all that stuff that happened to you get behind you.
homeschoolin'henn
January 14th, 2009 @ 4:51 pm

I really appreciate this essay. I would like to go out on a limb here and say that our kids learn from our actions much better than through our words, or reading “inspirational” lectures/essays. When was the last time we made a point of sitting with someone new or a little bit odd at church? When was the last time we implied one calling was more important than another,thusly the person who held those callings was more important than someone else? When was the last time we befriended someone with a mental illness and treated them the same as anyone else?

My children suffer with bipolar disorder,and the social ramifications that come with that. They have been forced to move from where they were seated in Primary and Sunday School, ostracized by leaders and peers alike, called names, etc. As you can guess, this issue is very near to my heart. My children have been called “sullen” and “walking trouble” because their medications flatten their affect. These are just experiences from church, never mind the public school system. 2 of my boys are only a project away from finishing their eagle rank. My daughter carries a 3.96 at BYUI, and has a lovely voice. We need to model appropriate behavior and attitudes before our kids have a chance at becoming the compassionate adults we hope they will become.
Anna
January 14th, 2009 @ 4:53 pm

What a beautiful story!

It saddens me that those who should know better, who are taught in church that we are all children of God treat others with so much disrespect and then pass the sacrament.

I hope they learn things on their missions.
homeschoolin'henn
January 14th, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

I also would like to point out that there have been several spectacular leaders who have made time to work with my kids one on one, and to compliment them publicly on their achievements. They have made the difference and I will be forever grateful for the love these wonderful people have shown our family. May they be crowned and made great.
Colleen
January 14th, 2009 @ 5:19 pm

Beautiful post, thank you. I think we all pray for children like those twins, but I know I for one need to be a little bit better about being an example of kindness.
Blue
January 14th, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

I’ve been away all day and just got online to discover all these lovely comments. I should mention that the twins in my story were not LDS, or even religious. Just good people everywhere, and great reminders that we certainly don’t have the market corner on Christian behavior.

I think the most important thing we can do is what homeschoolin’ hen mentioned…model the behavior. Talk about how we treat others. Establish expectations for our children. Engage in service for others with them. Those are the things that generate compassion.

Everyone has had moments when they don’t fit in, feel ostracized or unwelcome. That’s just part of life. But these experiences can be useful too. We learn in the difficult moments.

I’m very grateful for the people who have shown compassion to me, and for the countless good people in this world who lift and love those around them. That is, after all, what it’s all about.
Roxie
January 14th, 2009 @ 11:57 pm

I’ve thought a lot about labels, the ones we give ourselves and the ones others give us. In school I was always labeled as the geek/nerd. And I accepted it. Nobody ever labeled me as the pretty one. And I find that now, when my 15 year high school reunion is just a few years away, I still have a hard time accepting the label of “pretty” as applying to me. It throws me a bit whenever the man I’m dating tells me I’m pretty because it’s not something I’m used to.

There are many small moments that I have written about in my journal that I am sure the other people involved have no idea what they did. It makes me pause and think about what small things I’m doing every day.
Alison Moore Smith
January 15th, 2009 @ 12:44 am

Blue, I can hardly type for the tears steaming down my face. I am so sorry for the pain you felt and so, so, so happy to hear how these wonderful boys responded.

I’ve always been struck by the power bullies exert over entire populations. If the decent people (who I’m still convinced are in the majority) would be willing to step forward, they’d far outnumber the bullies and the bullies would have no power.

A couple of years ago I wrote an article about bullying at church. But I got away it–if not the residual issues–by high school. I can’t imagine if I’d had to endure longer.
sar
January 15th, 2009 @ 10:02 am

Blue – have you thought about submitting this to the New Era?
John in GA
January 15th, 2009 @ 10:57 am

Blue, I too was a misfit [I'm a guy]and painfully shy in High School. Reading this brought tears to my eyes too..in memories. Isn’t it interesting how our perspective changes with some positive outside influence?
I admit, I did take a look at your picture on your blog. But it further reinforces my belief that all of us are unique and beautiful in our own ways. I’m not going to be a guy who walks into a room and everyone stops to look at me. I don’t want that burden.
But I am thankful that I had the experiences of being awkward and painfully shy. It has made me more compassionate with other people.
Hopefully time will continue to heal old wounds and I will continually learn to forgive my tormentors as well as understand them too.
Julie P
January 15th, 2009 @ 11:41 am

Oh,Blue, I just loved this story. Thank you!
Kevin Barney
January 15th, 2009 @ 12:15 pm

I loved the essay, and I especially love that you stil use Blue as your handle.

This reminded me of a story I included as part of a talk I gave on moral courage:

Jon Scheyer is a young man who graduated this year [2006] from Glenbrook North High School. He won the Illinois Mr. Basketball award, and he is now a freshman at Duke University. There was an article about him in the Chicago Tribune when he won the award, entitled Born to be Good. Most of the article talked about his basketball skills. But there were a couple of paragraphs where his mother related a story about a school dance, where everyone was dancing and having fun, except one girl who was sitting alone and had not been asked to dance at all. As I recall, she had some sort of a mild disability. Jon walked over and asked her to dance, and his mother said that that illustration of his character meant more to her than all of the basketball trophies in the world. Jon told her that he couldn’t enjoy himself knowing that this girl was being ignored. I agree with his mom, and I recall being very touched by this when I read the article [actually, I cried on the train]. There may be adults here who scoff at the notion that it takes moral courage simply to ask a girl to dance, but if so, I suggest they have been away from the high school environment too long to appreciate how difficult such a seemingly simple thing can be.
she-bop
January 15th, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

As one of only two Mormons in my high school (the other being my brother) I went through years trying to figure out why I wasn’t asked to dances, or even to hang out. I had friends in school, and didn’t feel bad at school, but it was the after school things I was left out of. I finally realized it was because of my choices. My choices to choose the right. All of my friends knew about my standards because I didn’t make it a secret. They liked me well enough, just not enough to ask me out or do things with me because they knew that then they couldn’t party or….whatever.

Now I look back, and I’m okay with it. But it was hard to be the head of the JR/SR Prom committee and not get asked. I finally had to ask someone I kind of knew just so I could go to the dance I had planned. Frusterating!

I have tried to raise my children to be aware of others feelings. That no matter what, they must be nice. It must have sunk in somewhat because one day I was at church and an older lady came up to me and asked me if — was my daughter. I said yes, and she started to get teary and explained that her grandson was in Seminary and had decided to quit because no one even acknowledged him. I guess my daughter smiled at him, and said Hi, and then sat by him, and that made all the difference. He ended up staying in Seminary all four years. I told this to my daughter and asked her what made her do that, and she said “Well Mom, you told me to be nice “. I guess they do listen!

I loved this essay – thank you.
Sheridan
January 15th, 2009 @ 4:32 pm

I can appreciate this, being one who was picked on in high school. Little kindnesses helped me through. I am glad those boys were kind. I teach my boys to be kind to others, I really stress that. Our family motto is “Work hard, have fun and be NICE!”

I will share this story with my boys to demonstrate the difference one act of kindness can make.

Thanks!
Kristin
January 16th, 2009 @ 12:03 pm

I was really moved by what you shared. I was so sad to think of your experiences with those you should have been able to count on for support, and yet so thrilled that those twins were willing to do what was right.

I shared it with my older girls, and one of them asked me to read it again to her hours later. They were among those who wanted to see a picture of you too.

As far as special kindnesses I have experienced…a few years ago our family was in a different place in life. We had two little girls, had just purchased our first home, and my husband lost his job. It was tough. The market was not good for his field at the time.

For a while we lived on savings and unemployment while he searched for work. I went to work very late at night as a server at a Denny’s so I could still be home with my kids. I had never been a server, and was a teacher by profession, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put my girls in daycare. My husband was able to find employement, but outside of his field, and he was drastically underpaid. (We’re talking Target here.)

We faced a number of issues over the coming months, not only financial issues, but health issues and other different challenges as well. This series of trials tore us apart personally, and greatly stressed our marriage.

Ultimately, we made the choice to take our young family across the country, hundreds of miles away from everyone we knew, for my husband to attend law school.

We have been so blessed since that time, and our lives are so different than they were such a relatively short time ago. Still, when something triggers a memory of that period of my life, I immediately feel the horrible heartache of those trials again.

I am a fiercely independent person. No one knew how bad things were for us. My parents didn’t even know I was working. We never asked for help from our families, the church, or the government. Unemployment checks were the only assistance we received. I probably should have accepted some help, even for someone in the ward to watch my girls sometimes so I could take a nap. But I am stubborn that way, something which I am finally trying to work on. (http://mindthemommy.blogspot.com/2008/12/blessings-of-service-and-joys-of-gym.html)

During that season, I remember four specific times where I was really uplifted by members of our ward there who somehow saw through to my desperation, and served me despite of me. Their small kindnesses brought me such great strength, and were what sustained me at a time when I could barely survive each day. It is the memories of these services that reminds me the Lord was mindful of me during that refiner’s fire, and brings me peace when I think about that troubling time.

1. Our RS President gifted me a copy of the RS cookbook that had been put together, and cost $10. I hadn’t ordered one because I couldn’t afford it. When she brought me one anyway I told her I would pay her for it (though I wasn’t sure how) because I couldn’t imagine taking something I hadn’t paid for. She told me to consider it a gift from a friend, and then fled my porch (probably afraid I would refuse!). I still treasure that cookbook. I served in Primary the majority of the time we were in that home, and hadn’t felt connected to RS until that moment.

2. The Bishop handed us an envelope containing $100 at church one Sunday before Christmas. We thanked him, but then explained that we didn’t need it. He told us someone in the ward, who wanted to remain anonymous, had asked him to deliver it to us with the instructions that we should buy a little Christmas for ourselves. He insisted we take it and enjoy it. I’ll never know who noticed us and did something about it.

3. One day my visiting teaching companion, who lived a few doors down, insisted that my girls and I eat dinner that night in her home. It was a simple soup that filled my soul far beyond what it did for my body.

4. When we moved out a few months later, I was beyond exhaustion. The Primary President had come by to check on our progress. I told her I was mostly packed, but just had this laundry room and storage closet left, which I would do when we returned in a few hours. We were taking a load in our rented U-Haul to my brother’s home where we would stay for a few weeks before heading out to law school. Unbeknownst to me, she stayed in our home and completed the packing while we were gone. I broke down in tears when we returned and I saw what she had done. I couldn’t believe that someone would do that for me.

The kindnesses that have touched me the most in life, are those that represent things I didn’t have to have. Times where I could have gone without the gift or the help, but my heart was so greatly touched to receive of someone’s pure charity. Remembering those acts makes me want to do better to fulfil the more hidden needs of those around me.

Sorry that was so long! I guess this gave me cause for deeper reflection than I realized.

Thanks for what you shared. You have a great gift for writing.
Sage
January 18th, 2009 @ 8:40 am

Thanks for this beautiful post, Blue. (and also all the interesting comments) It is sad that people are so cruel. I remember being called names when I moved to Utah in second grade (no one made fun of me in California). Maybe that’s the reason I was afraid to move back there now (irrationally since I know that most of Utah is not as provincial as it was in the 70′s, right?)

The small act of kindness I wanted to share happened here on Segullah’s blog, in the comments. Dalene responded to a comment I made (I can’t remember which post or what I said). It’s amazing to me how much her kind words made me feel like I’d have friends when we move to Utah in a few months (when I’m about seven months pregnant with number five). Interestingly enough, Dalene lives in the town where we are going to move! Her welcoming words, and even a mention of a house for sale across the street, made my heart calmer and more open to our imminent return to Utah. Thanks Dalene.

It takes so little effort to write a kind comment on someone’s blog! I know when I have 0 comments repeatedly, I feel unpopular and lame. One kind comment can make my day. We all need to feel loved and validated, even as adults.
Kalli
January 21st, 2009 @ 3:17 pm

it is amazing how the kindness of one (or two) person can set off a chain reaction of positive events.

i loved this. thanks for it.
mormonhermitmom
January 21st, 2009 @ 4:50 pm

It’s hard to read stuff like this because so many of us have been in similar straits. And it’s so easy to be the kid who doesn’t stick up for another in fear the bullies will turn on you too. Those twins had courage and compassion – good role models for all of us.
Ray
January 26th, 2009 @ 10:35 am

Blue, I’m reading this after the comments have ceased, but I want to thank you for it.

I have been focusing this month (in my life and on my blog) on giving alms, and that focus has changed throughout the month from the typical financial alms to “spiritual alms”. This post is the perfect capstone for the month, and I will be linking to it on my blog on the 31st as part of the wrap-up post.

Thank you for sharing this story.
Motherboard
February 3rd, 2009 @ 12:38 pm

I am late coming to the party here, but just wanted to say thank you for this beautiful post. I think that most of us can remember times when we felt picked on/bullied.

I am dealing with this on the level of seeing my child be the one who is picked on and bullied. It hurts even more now to see it happen– simply because I SEE the amazing person she is, and the potential that is hers… but she is succumbing to the labels that the girls at church are giving her. No matter how much I try to tell her she is amazing, and wonderful and beautiful and smart… all she sees is the “weird girl” label that has been given her.

I do think that if we can teach the kids to understand and know of their own divine worth– then the likely hood of them teasing and being mean to others decreases– simply because they know who they are, and in turn they understand who others are as well. We are all children of God. And when we understand that, and really know it– then we are kinder and more gentle in our dealings with others.

Thank you for this story.
Sue
February 4th, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

I’m also a latecomer to this one, but I wanted to say that I was moved by not only your post but by the beautiful comments.

Children can be cruel, but so can adults. Perhaps the adult cruelty is simply less overt. You have made me want to be more charitable, not just in my actions, but in my thoughts.

Thanks.