wonder woman,
You are very lucky to have such a good example in your own mother. What a blessing.

Sage,
(thanks!) And that’s one of the biggest challenges to motherhood, isn’t it? Each child is SO different and we have to try and figure out what is going to help each one of them.

Jill Shelley,
Late night, so far, is definitely what happens around here. I agree about the ‘not reacting’ alot; it’s paramount to keeping those flood gates of information open!

Coffinberry,
You sound like a great {and dedicated} mother.

she-bop,
I laughed at your description of your “fast and furious” daughter. My sister was {and still is} just like that.
I do think that for the most part this does seem like a mother’s territory. I think we, as mothers and women, are just sometimes more in-tune to the unspoken things that our children need and we tend to hover and hang around–waiting for the right chances. I’ve heard wonderful stories of fathers enjoying the blessings of being involved with those “talks.” I would have been more inclined to spill it to my father, had he been more available to me when I was a teen. I am the oldest of eight, and there were toddlers and babies needing lots of attention. My father also went to bed very early because he got up so early every morning. Just recently, my mother said to me, “You don’t realize what you’ve missed with your oldest, until you have teenagers without the toddlers and babies. Then it’s too late…”
She’s right. I used to feel sorry for me, because of that. But now, as a mother, I feel more sad for her. I know how sad she is that she missed it.

Michelle,
You’re right, my oldest kids do seem to tell me things over that afternoon snack–before the younger kids burst into the house.

Course Correction,
“Go to sleep, your mother will be back in the morning.” (loved that!)

sc,
I completely agree with your conclusions about the eye-contact and the time it happens {whenever that may be} feeling like “free time.” Thanks for your thoughts.

I loved hearing what works for different people.
I seem to soak up any hints, helps, or advice on parenting older kids these days! {For better, or for worse, I felt much more confident when my kids were younger.} Being the mother of teens has been wonderful and scary and humbling all at the same time.

Maybe lack of eye contact provides a sense of privacy and freedom (or, freedom enough) from ought-to expectations, in a similar way to how talking late at night does. Back when I was awake for them, early mornings afforded such luxuries to me (for myself alone); late nights are more likely to do the trick now, partly because said sisters and roommates’ talking-time preferences shifted my sleeping schedule. And during that one bizarre period of my life, that one semester I when went out every week for like, two months straight, I found myself missing my solitary Friday nights fiercely. Who knew that being un-dateable to so many of the men around me could have had such a salutatory effect on my overall sense of peace and happiness? I myself would never have guessed had not the Cloak of Invisibility To Date-able Men been mysteriously whisked off my shoulders for that brief period.

I read (in some magazine? maybe _Fine Homebuilding_?) about an architect who deliberately built a nook into the side of a kitchen which was placed in such a way that a teenager could be heard without being seen. If I recall correctly, it worked as intended.

I tend to talk to sisters and roommates in/into the wee hours of the morning; my theory is that, since we don’t normally have anything scheduled for that time, it feels “free”; all of the jumbledy ought-to-do list that prevents us from thinking clearly so much of the time begins to lift as we prepare our minds and bodies for sleep, and as that clears, we are able to more clearly see the things which truly matter to us. Also, because much of the rest of the world is asleep at that time, true privacy and uninterrupted-ness is available in ways that they just aren’t during the day.

For us it’s the kitchen counter after school. There’s about an hour and a half gap before the younger kids come home and my older boys like to talk then. Not every day, but often.

For the tweens it’s during ping pong, UNO or chess. All of which feel like a sacrifice. Why can’t it be Scrabble?

LATE night is when it happens at our house. I like to stay up, and be the last one in bed. My mind needs some time to turn off. So the later they talk, the later I’m up. Last night I finally relaxed about 4am.

High schooler always wants to talk, after her bedtime. I used to think it was an excuse to stay up later. Now I realize it’s her way to unwind. I guess I should be glad she’s sharing at all. And “listen mom”, “don’t talk” is usually what she wants. That’s hard for me. I’m a fixer.

Two college girls at home. One is fast and furious. Meaning – she wants to get it all out fast and walk away. No discussions. Just throw it all over me, and then she’s done. It’s hard to recover after her “talks”.

Other daughter is the one who just wants to talk, and talk, and talk…..She gets home late and then it begins…for hours, if I’ll let it. I try. I really do. But sometimes I am just so tired. But I love her. So I try to be attentive.

One question – why does it seem like this is mom’s territory? Do any husbands talk and talk? Just wondering….

that’s what’s been so hard about my 21 year old RM’s job at Walmart… he gets home at 1:30 AM, but I have to get up at 5:00 AM. I miss our late-night check-in chats.

This was so well-written. I could feel your impatience, and then, at last your love and gratitude that you made room despite your need for solitude.

My oldest doesn’t open up as much as I’d like. My second will do very similar waiting around in my room.

Thanks for the reminder to be there and even to seek out those important moments.