Comments on: Therapy for All… http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/ Mormon women blogging about the peculiar and the treasured Thu, 09 Feb 2012 16:08:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Leisha http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113331 Leisha Wed, 05 Nov 2008 02:00:29 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113331 I am right there with you sister! I manage the best I can. Sometimes I do great and ignore the comments and problems and love her completely despite her flaws... Other times I take a break from her until I feel better able to face her. Like other commentors mentioned my Mom isn't self-aware enough to discuss the relationship in-depth (I've tried!). I try not to want more validation from her but it is an ongoing process. Not giving up is the most important thing. I am right there with you sister! I manage the best I can. Sometimes I do great and ignore the comments and problems and love her completely despite her flaws… Other times I take a break from her until I feel better able to face her. Like other commentors mentioned my Mom isn’t self-aware enough to discuss the relationship in-depth (I’ve tried!). I try not to want more validation from her but it is an ongoing process. Not giving up is the most important thing.

]]> By: FoxyJ http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113152 FoxyJ Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:50:57 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113152 I struggle with this issue now from both sides. My husband and I both grew up in families with a lot of struggles, and we've both been to therapy and can identify problem behavior from our parents. We struggle to love them and accept them as they are. It has been hard for me now as a parent to not worry about all the things I've learned and how much I'm affecting my kids. My oldest is only 5, and I do worry about our relationship long term. Our personalities are so different and we have a lot of conflict in our relationship already. I try so hard, and yet I also realize that there are things about me that she'll never like and never understand. I realized the other day that so much of my worry about our future relationship affects my parenting that I've made a conscious effort to not worry about it. As for my relationships with my mom and my MIL, they just go up and down and sometimes things are good/sometimes not. I struggle with this issue now from both sides. My husband and I both grew up in families with a lot of struggles, and we’ve both been to therapy and can identify problem behavior from our parents. We struggle to love them and accept them as they are. It has been hard for me now as a parent to not worry about all the things I’ve learned and how much I’m affecting my kids. My oldest is only 5, and I do worry about our relationship long term. Our personalities are so different and we have a lot of conflict in our relationship already. I try so hard, and yet I also realize that there are things about me that she’ll never like and never understand. I realized the other day that so much of my worry about our future relationship affects my parenting that I’ve made a conscious effort to not worry about it. As for my relationships with my mom and my MIL, they just go up and down and sometimes things are good/sometimes not.

]]> By: Claudia http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113142 Claudia Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:32:57 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113142 This post haunted me at 3 am. Since this is therapy I am going to suggest good answers to the questions above that will put an end to that conversation. These answers should administered calmly in a matter of fact tone. 1.Well, I don’t want to horn in, but don’t you think Abby would be happier if you put her in pre-school?” Answer "No." “I was talking to a friend the other day who told me that this type of fabric for pajamas is HIGHLY flammable. Aren’t you worried?” Answer, "No." “Can I borrow a washcloth? I just noticed your telephone keypad is in desperate need of washing.” Answer, "Yes." “Should the kids really be running off down the street like that? I don’t want to intrude, but there was an attempted kidnapping just one state over last week!” Answer, "So you're saying your are afraid the kids are going to be kidnapped?" “Oh, I just wanted to call to make sure you were alright. Your brothers all surprised me with a visit for my birthday and brought me presents, but I didn’t see you. I was worried you might be ill!” Answer, "Thanks for worrying about me." “Oh, I’ll just vacuum and tidy up a bit. I know you’re busy and probably don’t find the time to clean the house much…” Now this a tough one. Sometimes I would like to grab the broom at my daughters house. But, I have given up. She doesn't see the dirt. And, I would never say something like this. But, an answer like "Thanks so much. I am busy" I'm not sure I would add "I know I can count on you to help out." It might work out all right. “You’re the mom, so you know best…but do you think letting them eat that is really a good idea?” Answer, "Yes." This post haunted me at 3 am. Since this is therapy I am going to suggest good answers to the questions above that will put an end to that conversation. These answers should administered calmly in a matter of fact tone.

1.Well, I don’t want to horn in, but don’t you think Abby would be happier if you put her in pre-school?”

Answer “No.”

“I was talking to a friend the other day who told me that this type of fabric for pajamas is HIGHLY flammable. Aren’t you worried?”

Answer, “No.”

“Can I borrow a washcloth? I just noticed your telephone keypad is in desperate need of washing.”

Answer, “Yes.”

“Should the kids really be running off down the street like that? I don’t want to intrude, but there was an attempted kidnapping just one state over last week!”

Answer, “So you’re saying your are afraid the kids are going to be kidnapped?”

“Oh, I just wanted to call to make sure you were alright. Your brothers all surprised me with a visit for my birthday and brought me presents, but I didn’t see you. I was worried you might be ill!”

Answer, “Thanks for worrying about me.”

“Oh, I’ll just vacuum and tidy up a bit. I know you’re busy and probably don’t find the time to clean the house much…”

Now this a tough one. Sometimes I would like to grab the broom at my daughters house. But, I have given up. She doesn’t see the dirt. And, I would never say something like this. But, an answer like “Thanks so much. I am busy” I’m not sure I would add “I know I can count on you to help out.” It might work out all right.

“You’re the mom, so you know best…but do you think letting them eat that is really a good idea?”

Answer, “Yes.”

]]> By: tlg http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113057 tlg Mon, 03 Nov 2008 05:30:28 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113057 Thank you thank you thank you for this moment of shared catharsis. I just went to visit my mom a few weeks ago and couldn't wait to get home to my family. I dread my children growing up and feeling similarly. My mom was so incredibly difficult and childish---more so as she ages. I have given up on that relationship I had hoped we'd have and wonder if some of the pain in this epiphany is realizing that I don't really need that relationship and perhaps someday my own children won't either. I try to accept that like most of us she's doing the best she can. Thank you thank you thank you for this moment of shared catharsis. I just went to visit my mom a few weeks ago and couldn’t wait to get home to my family. I dread my children growing up and feeling similarly. My mom was so incredibly difficult and childish—more so as she ages. I have given up on that relationship I had hoped we’d have and wonder if some of the pain in this epiphany is realizing that I don’t really need that relationship and perhaps someday my own children won’t either. I try to accept that like most of us she’s doing the best she can.

]]> By: E http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113047 E Mon, 03 Nov 2008 03:50:38 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113047 This is so tough. My heart goes out you and I hope you are supported in this trial. In my extended family, it's my MIL who is the source of pain and "drama"; this has been a challenge to everyone, daughter, sons, daughters in law. Even when you are able to get some insight and understanding into what is driving the behavior, and even when you are able to feel some compassion for the pain that has led to the behavior, it can still be a draining and difficult challenge to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. Best wishes to you. This is so tough. My heart goes out you and I hope you are supported in this trial. In my extended family, it’s my MIL who is the source of pain and “drama”; this has been a challenge to everyone, daughter, sons, daughters in law. Even when you are able to get some insight and understanding into what is driving the behavior, and even when you are able to feel some compassion for the pain that has led to the behavior, it can still be a draining and difficult challenge to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. Best wishes to you.

]]> By: Claudia http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-113021 Claudia Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:43:26 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-113021 Have you tried accepting her and loving her in spite of her faults? From the other side of the relationship It is possible that it isn't easy for her to navigate or negotiate this relationship either. Developing communications skills can't hurt. She can't know what you don't tell her. It is just possible she has no idea what your grievances are. You know you love someone unconditionally when you love them more than you hate the things they do. Do loving things and love will follow. Have you tried accepting her and loving her in spite of her faults? From the other side of the relationship It is possible that it isn’t easy for her to navigate or negotiate this relationship either. Developing communications skills can’t hurt. She can’t know what you don’t tell her. It is just possible she has no idea what your grievances are.

You know you love someone unconditionally when you love them more than you hate the things they do. Do loving things and love will follow.

]]> By: ClistyB http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-112963 ClistyB Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:28:02 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-112963 my mom is weird, too. She is definitely not the kind that will come and stay after you have a baby and take care of your family for you. She will just write a check. She thrives on turning the attention to herself, no matter what. I have stopped wishing for her to be the mother she never will be. It is pointless and takes up time in my life that I will never get back, so why bother? my mom is weird, too. She is definitely not the kind that will come and stay after you have a baby and take care of your family for you. She will just write a check. She thrives on turning the attention to herself, no matter what.
I have stopped wishing for her to be the mother she never will be. It is pointless and takes up time in my life that I will never get back, so why bother?

]]> By: anon http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-112957 anon Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:32:18 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-112957 Oh man. How much time do you have? How much space is on this blog? I could write a novel about my relationship with my mother. However, I know I'm not alone my brother also has serious issues with her, but unfortunately I'm her only daughter and there's an innate desire to want a close relationship with your daughter and therefore I think our relationship is under the spotlight a lot more. Unlike your relationship I have always had a strained one with my mom--pretty much since I was 12. Some people (friends, boyfriends) have not always understood the complexities, but once you get a little closer (my husband, my SIL) people definitely see it. Like you I feel sorry for my mom. I know her life is not what she wanted it to be, but instead of rising up to the occasion, she has wallowed. Except that she doesn't know she's wallowed/wallowing...she has little self awareness. I've contemplated for a long, long time just how to navigate this relationship moving forward. I feel the need to protect my family from her craziness. I know I won't be the perfect mom, but I think I can be a good mom. I've tried to take the lessons of my somewhat sad childhood and apply them to my life now. I've also started addressing some of my issues with my mom via email. I don't want to discuss over the phone since it would easily escalate into yelling...it's been very slow going and honestly a little disappointing, but at least I'm asserting myself and letting her know how I feel. Yeah, lets just say I can relate. Oh man. How much time do you have? How much space is on this blog? I could write a novel about my relationship with my mother. However, I know I’m not alone my brother also has serious issues with her, but unfortunately I’m her only daughter and there’s an innate desire to want a close relationship with your daughter and therefore I think our relationship is under the spotlight a lot more. Unlike your relationship I have always had a strained one with my mom–pretty much since I was 12. Some people (friends, boyfriends) have not always understood the complexities, but once you get a little closer (my husband, my SIL) people definitely see it. Like you I feel sorry for my mom. I know her life is not what she wanted it to be, but instead of rising up to the occasion, she has wallowed. Except that she doesn’t know she’s wallowed/wallowing…she has little self awareness.

I’ve contemplated for a long, long time just how to navigate this relationship moving forward. I feel the need to protect my family from her craziness. I know I won’t be the perfect mom, but I think I can be a good mom. I’ve tried to take the lessons of my somewhat sad childhood and apply them to my life now. I’ve also started addressing some of my issues with my mom via email. I don’t want to discuss over the phone since it would easily escalate into yelling…it’s been very slow going and honestly a little disappointing, but at least I’m asserting myself and letting her know how I feel.

Yeah, lets just say I can relate.

]]> By: wendy http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-112890 wendy Sun, 02 Nov 2008 02:44:47 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-112890 Lilly, thinking more about exploring your relationship with your mom, it really did help me to dig a little deeper into what made my Mom tick. We had a mom/daughter getaway (that was before marriage & kids) and I asked her a lot of hard questions, trying to understand what she thought about life, her marriage, etc. I didn't necessarily like all of the answers, but I felt I understood her better. I've tried to learn more about her since then, and it has been really good for our relationship. Of course, my mom isn't (generally) critical, so the dynamics are different. I think it takes a lot of inner work to get grounded enough that those things hurt less, as well as a lot of grieving that she will not be the Mom you want. The book Annette recommended sounds good. Tannen does good research and has a lot of good insights. Good luck--really! Lilly, thinking more about exploring your relationship with your mom, it really did help me to dig a little deeper into what made my Mom tick. We had a mom/daughter getaway (that was before marriage & kids) and I asked her a lot of hard questions, trying to understand what she thought about life, her marriage, etc. I didn’t necessarily like all of the answers, but I felt I understood her better. I’ve tried to learn more about her since then, and it has been really good for our relationship.

Of course, my mom isn’t (generally) critical, so the dynamics are different. I think it takes a lot of inner work to get grounded enough that those things hurt less, as well as a lot of grieving that she will not be the Mom you want.

The book Annette recommended sounds good. Tannen does good research and has a lot of good insights. Good luck–really!

]]> By: Lawdy http://segullah.org/daily-special/therapy-for-all/#comment-112883 Lawdy Sun, 02 Nov 2008 01:37:48 +0000 http://segullah.org/?p=1388#comment-112883 What you're describing is so common. Personally, I've found that it probably doesn't help to talk to her. For some reason--I've come to the conclusion that she is doing her best and all I can do is accept her, even if I don't always feel accepted--along with my dusty baseboards. I try and plan to not repeat the pattern wiht my own children, but it must be easier said then done--otherwise it wouldn't be so common. Carry on! What you’re describing is so common. Personally, I’ve found that it probably doesn’t help to talk to her. For some reason–I’ve come to the conclusion that she is doing her best and all I can do is accept her, even if I don’t always feel accepted–along with my dusty baseboards. I try and plan to not repeat the pattern wiht my own children, but it must be easier said then done–otherwise it wouldn’t be so common. Carry on!

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