‘Tis the season to give each other goodies (but I really wish we wouldn’t)

Posted by Melissa M | December 22, 2009 | 65 Comments

I know that some of you out there enjoy giving and receiving neighbor gifts at Christmas time. In fact, right now you’re putting the finishing touches on your homemade, hand-dipped chocolates or your caramel macadamia nut popcorn balls before deftly wrapping them in cellophane and gold French ribbon and delivering them to snow-covered homes all over the block. If you’re one of those people, you may want to skip this post. But if you’re like me, and the thought of having to come up with a cutsey neighborhood gift every year makes you want to stab your eyes out with your scalloped-edged scissors, then by all means, read on.

When I was young I loved helping my mother make fruitcakes for our neighbors at Christmas time. I greased the little loaf pans, added dried fruit and pecans to the bowl as my mother whisked the batter, the kitchen smelling of nutmeg and cinnamon and candied orange peel. Later I helped her deliver the fragrant loaves, freshly wrapped, to families up and down the street. Years later, as newlyweds my husband and I made five kinds of Christmas cookies one evening while we listened to Christmas music and kissed each other under the kitchen mistletoe, then delivered an entire platter of cookies to our surprised next-door neighbor.

Back then it was fun to be in the community of neighborhood gift givers. But then we started having children and Christmases became hectic. When we moved into our neighborhood eighteen years ago, I reluctantly joined in with the gift exchange tradition. Every year I tried to come up with something delicious and clever and Martha Stewartish to give to our neighbors, but the pressure was excruciating. Someone had already cornered the market on the muslin bags filled with pistachios, the chips and salsa, the caramel popcorn. We got plates of cookies, bags of clementines, homemade toffee and fudge, a poinsettia (which I always killed in under a week), a basket of apples and pears, fresh jam and miniature loaves of bread, soup mixes, muffin mixes, pancake mixes. In desperation I stuck bows on bottles of Martinellis and left them on people’s porches—where they froze overnight and burst. Year after year my gifts were the lamest gifts on the block.

And I noticed something else: the neighbor gifts we received were piling up in the pantry, often going uneaten until I guiltily threw them out after New Year’s. So one year my neighbor and I wrote a letter to the other members of our neighborhood, inviting them to forgo giving each other gifts and attend a bonfire and hot chocolate party instead, where we’d collect money and donate it to a mutually agreed upon charity. That worked well for a couple of years, until the bonfire tradition fizzled out after our ward boundaries changed. But everyone on our street liked not having to give each other gifts so much that we’ve had an unspoken agreement not to exchange gifts ever since.

Except, some new people have moved into the neighborhood and no one has clued them in to our agreement, so little by little, the gift-giving custom is taking over the neighborhood again. Every time I hear someone drop something off on our porch my heart sinks and I want to run out the door and yell, “You’re violating the code!” But I don’t want to hurt their feelings, so instead I run to Target for bags of caramel popcorn and muffin mixes. Sometimes—and I’m not proud of this, mind you—I even resort to regifting, and the loaf of cranberry orange bread that Sister Green dropped off gets a new tag and goes right back out the door to the Browns down the street.

But one new neighbor in particular—I’ll call her Sharon—has made my life especially difficult. She’s a lovely woman but she enjoys giving generous, elaborate, over the top gifts that I can never compete with, and each year I end up feeling like a tightwad loser. So last week I did a preemptive strike and gave her family a tin of plain hot chocolate and some marshmallows, tied up in cellophane with a cute bow, hoping she’d reciprocate in kind. The next day, much to my dismay, she delivered a holly-painted ceramic platter topped with a box of gourmet caramel popcorn, a tin of peppermint hot chocolate, a bag of chocolate covered cherries, and a small box of glass ornaments.

“You could look at it this way,” my husband, the businessman, said. “You could say you got an excellent return on your investment.”

That made me feel better, somehow, so I put the ornaments on the tree and we drank the peppermint hot chocolate and ate the chocolate covered cherries. And then I resolved to give Sharon something really spectacular next year. Next year for sure.

Do you enjoy giving/getting neighbor gifts at Christmas time or does it make you feel more stressed? Do you ever regift neighbor gifts? What is the worst/best neighbor gift you’ve ever received or given? Feel free to share any clever neighbor gift ideas with the rest of us.

Comments

65 Responses to “‘Tis the season to give each other goodies (but I really wish we wouldn’t)”

Kay
December 22nd, 2009 @ 6:49 am

We don’t do this in England. One less thing to worry about for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I would feel immense guilt about getting it right. I feel for you.
christine
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:06 am

I guess I’m weird! I love giving neighbor gifts- just a little something to let people know I appreciate knowing them. One year I got a letter asking us “not to give neighbor gifts but bring toys to donate instead” frankly, I was irritated. Please don’t dictate to me whether I can share at Christmas the way I want to.- don’t get me wrong-I love the food and toy drives too. And to set the record straight, I love each neighbor gift I receive and do not keep track of who brought the biggest or if someone did or didn’t. I just love the festivity. It really is just an outward sign of the friendly thoughts and feelings I have. I also never break the bank-find stuff on clearance or just a little thing-this year was a small bottle of jam and a not that said “we’d be in a JAM without friends like you” one year was a little bag of nuts “from the nuts down the street”. I have my kids help make or deliver and find it helps them “get” the joy of giving. So I say just enjoy it!
FoxyJ
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:28 am

I grew up in California and we were the only family that gave ‘neighbor gifts’ that I knew about. For years I thought it was a cherished tradition that somehow my mom had come up with on her own–we spend Christmas Eve day making cookies and taking them to our friends. Then I settled in Utah and I hear about it all the time–and this kind of angst. I didn’t even know it had an ‘official’ name or that you had to be cute or give it a cute note or anything.

I think, however, it must be a neighborhood thing because we’ve lived here for years and pretty much never received anything. The only thing we’ve gotten so far this year is a bottle of Sprite, which I feel bad about because we had to dump the whole thing down the drain since none of us drink soda. It came with some ’slush’ stuff that we’re supposed to drink it with, but that didn’t taste good either. Now I hope my home teacher doesn’t read this blog…

I still make cookies with my kids on Christmas Eve and we deliver them to a few friends, but I admit that I think long and hard about who to give them too because I don’t want them to be living somewhere where they are already getting tons of treats. Most of our family members have health issues and don’t want lots of treats either. For me, I love to bake and I hate to craft so making treats is one of my favorite traditions. I feel bad when other people feel forced to do something that isn’t what they love just because it’s ‘tradition’.
LCM
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:33 am

For me, I LOVE to bake and I especially love to share what I bake. I am really good at what I make, I think years of practice and a serious love of baked goods helps me with that. I am not expecting anything in return. I make way too much and so by the time we get through ours, the neighbors gifts have definitely gone stale and I feel bad about throwing away what the neighbors went to all of the effort of preparing.
Heidi
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:38 am

It has been a year of simplifying at my house. While last year I gave 30+ plates of treats to neighbors and ward friends (where do you draw the line on the list??), this year I printed extra photo Christmas cards and gave those to neighbors (and visiting teaching friends) instead. Just a card and the family letter. Since none of my neighbors are LDS and we have had trouble connecting on a social level, I figure it’s a good gesture…and oh-so-simple! I won’t go back to baking!
elizabeth-w
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:52 am

Love this post. Was at my mom’s house last night for FHE, and the doorbell rang. Mom jumped up, and said “Please let it be someone I’ve given something to!” Turns out it wasn’t, so she’s got another person to add to her list
It’s very stressful, indeed. Her sizable kitchen counter space is covered in stuff we really don’t need to eat.
When we moved into our current house, I did stuff for everyone on my block, and they all looked at me a bit odd, so I’ve slowed down (it was just a loaf of some kind of bread–nothing spectacular).
I just wish we could have some similar tradition in, say, late January, or September, when nothing else is going on. Wouldn’t it be more fun that way–to spread that sort of fun/surprise-y thing throughout the year? Maybe I’ll do that!! I’m trying to perfect my praline recipe. I’ll take them in January!!
WendyP.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:03 am

I am quite introverted and I’m post Mormon (don’t attend church/no longer believe). The neighborhood gift giving lets me reconnect with the LDS members in my neighborhood and show the good feelings I have for them, even if I’m no longer a member. Sometimes the politics of religion get in the way of friendships and I want them to know how much I enjoy them as people and friends, regardless of whether we share the same beliefs.
Ahna
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:07 am

I can understand your perspective, because I’ve been there, thinking that Christmas gifts are somehow a competition that I am always losing. In high school, a friend in my group brought me a hand knitted stocking. She had spent a lot of time and love making it for me. Instead of gratitude, I felt terribly guilty and ran out and bought her a calendar and went to her house. It was so obvious that I hadn’t thought of her and that I was only reciprocating, not giving. I was embarrassed and so was she. A kindly written thank you note would have been much better. She actually became a good friend, but we never did exchange Christmas gifts again.

So when this same kind of competitive drive creeped into neighbor gifts at Christmas, it took a while, but I finally realized it was like I was in high school again, reciprocating. I decided that I wasn’t going to do that. It was hard at first.

Some years we do neighbor gifts, some years we don’t. I refuse to let it stress me. And since I love baking and my family tends to really enjoy working together to create small plates of goodies, that helps. For us, it’s part of sharing our love at Christmas. If it stops being that, I’ll quit cold turkey.
Kerri
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:09 am

This year we had our first Swedish pancake breakfast for our street. We invited everyone to come over on a Saturday morning, open house style, and I cooked Swedish pancakes for everyone. We had toppings and wassail, and some neighbors offered to bring milk, juice, and fruit. We’ve only lived here a couple of months, so I was hoping to get to know the people on the street a little better. More than half of the neighbors came and we had a wonderful time. Apparently the family that lived in our home used to have a Christmas party for the neighborhood too and everyone would donate to the food bank instead of doing neighbor gifts, so next year we’ll add that tradition.

I’m not good at cute or fancy, but I can make Swedish pancakes. And I do like letting my neighbors know they’re important.
Jenny Whitcomb
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:12 am

Funny. Last night we watched Truman Capote’s “A Christmas Memory,” set in the depression era, where Sook and Buddy make 31 fruit cakes. They spend all day delivering them, and even mail one to the President and the First Lady.
Blame it on the holiday fruit cake.
Mary B
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:20 am

I’m with Ahna. Christmas gift giving is a choice. Some people enjoy doing it and express their neighborliness in that way. That’s fine. Others don’t enjoy doing it and express their neighborliness in other ways at other times of the year, and not through material gifts. That’s fine too.

As soon as you see it as a choice and an individual expression and drop the competition and sense of obligation you’ll feel much freer to enjoy the Christmas gifts of your neighbors with gratitude and peace.

You can’t and shouldn’t change your neighbors’ way of keeping Christmas. That’s their choice. But you can and should freely and peacefully choose your own path of neighborliness and be okay with that.

Have you read the book “Unplug the Christmas Machine”? It helped me a lot in dealing with the feelings you’re expressing.
Paula
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:20 am

So you’re one of those cookie neighbors. I’m not talking about giving holiday cookies. But the kind of neighbor who needs to be “even.” I don’t suppose you saw the episode of The Office where Dwight and Andy just HAD to have the last say on acts of kindness.

My advice (you WERE looking for advice, right?!?) is to stop keeping score and take the gift for what it is. A gift. Don’t one-up your neighbor who gave you a plate of “Martha Stewartish” treats. Appreciate the calories and move on with your holiday festivities.

And I absolutely love the imagery you created when you wrote “stab your eyes out with your scalloped-edged scissors.” Christmas in a nutshell! Kidding.
Michelle L.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:28 am

loved your post and the comments.

Our Bishop stands at the pulpit the Sunday after Thanksgiving and announces that as a ward we are giving to charity rather than doing neighbor gifts. It’s great! We give what we can and for those who are under financial pressure there is no obligation.

So we just happily add our donation to our tithing slip and relax.

Here’s the problem: my ward is full of kind hearted CHEATERS! They’ve all given to the ward fund and now they are all putting things on my doorstep! I think we’ve received 20 neighbor gifts already. I love these people; I love the treats; the gifts make me feel so LOVED by them.

But I’m not reciprocating. I’m sticking with the charitable donation. And it hurts my heart a little bit.
Melissa Y.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:29 am

Melissa, this was so funny! I was laying in bed this morning trying to get up the gumption to bake today.

The thing is, I really love the idea of neighbor gifts and shareing and doing something nice to spread the sense of festivity. But the reality is, I’m tired. I’m hoping that if my neighbors don’t get a gift from me, they’ll understand.
JennR
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:30 am

My parents were always great at giving goodies at Christmas. My mom usually made cranberry nut bread, which was divine! Other neighbors would make us different types of treats–candy and cookies usually. Because we were a large family (eight children), pretty much nothing ever went uneaten! We had a Mexican family move into our neighborhood and they started giving us tamales for Christmas. We really enjoyed that cultural exchange. I think it’s nice when the treats are something special from your family–for them giving tamales was sharing something special about their family with ours and ours was cranberry bread.

This year things are different because I have gestational diabetes. When my visiting teachers asked what they could do for me, I told them to NOT bring me Christmas treats. I’ve been surprised that even when people don’t know about my strict diet and bring us treats, I haven’t stressed about it. I’ve brought all the treats we’ve gotten to work and my co-workers have been so happy without any effort on my part!

I guess, the way I see it, like any other giving at Christmas we hope that the gifts are sincere demonstrations of friendship more than obligations. And if you don’t want the treats in your house, just give them away and make someone else’s day!
MollyishMormon
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:34 am

I love that we think of one another and are so kind -and I do appreciate the level of effort that these endeavors take – but I need another plate of Christmas cookies like I need a recreational colonic.

Don’t get me wrong – I love the humble kindness of someone knocking on my door and sharing some love. But the Goodie Nazis who want to make me work into their Christmas giving schedule and who suck the joy out of it, I could do without them.

What gets me is being scolded about not being available to receive the goodies that I didn’t want in the first place. One year, I had a family follow me while I was out and they made me pull over my car for the cookies. Then the cookies sat in my car for 5 hours as I ran around doing errands. They slid all over and left crumbs and got smashed up in my floor. Merry Christmas. And then there was the call, “So – how were those goodies? You never told me if you liked them.” Uhhh.

Another year, I was told that the cookies someone was trying to give me were barely good anymore because I’d taken so long to get back to them on when was the best time to receive my gift. Ho Ho Ho. I invited them in for the evening, and the sang me a song (yes they did!) that said they couldn’t stay they had more cookies to deliver. It had a harmony.

The worst part to me is that these people feel they know me so well and just simply must share these goodies….and I’m diabetic.

It’s no one’s idea of a nice Christmas to be hunted and insulted when receiving goodies you never wanted in the first place. If your cookies are coming in so I can stroke your ego – please, keep them at home.
Emily
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:54 am

I love it! I love giving something (simple, store-bought and early, with no apologies!) and I love being thought of whether the food is good to eat or not. I think the comments about receiving with grace and not feeling competitive are dead on. There are definitely ‘those people’ who see it as a contest, but in my mind that is missing the point. I figure if they get my pancake mix early on, they are in no way fishing for a gift and can give me whatever (or nothing, I don’t keep track) with no strings attached.
Melissa M.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 10:23 am

Thank you, ladies, for your comments. I’m glad many of you enjoy giving neighbor gifts—it really should be an enjoyable tradition. Some years I enjoy it more than others. I find that when I am overly stressed, giving neighbor gifts just becomes one more chore, and I wish we could all just agree not to do it and call it good (Michelle L., I wish I were in your ward—or that I lived in England!). But I do need to learn to just accept those gifts graciously and feel the love behind them, and not worry about having to compete or even reciprocate. I’ll work on it—starting next year.
Emily U
December 22nd, 2009 @ 10:30 am

Is this just a Utah tradition? My parents live in Davis County, UT, and get lots of neighbor gifts, but we don’t do that here in Illinois.

My parents really do not like it b/c they don’t eat sweets, so these gifts go in the garbage. It’s kindly meant, though. They do not reciprocate, although I certainly understand the pressure one would feel to do so.
Sue
December 22nd, 2009 @ 10:49 am

This year my friend sent around an invitation to a neighborhood cookie exchange party for the women. Our book club has been trying to do things to help the refugees in SLC, so the invitation asked everyone to come to the party and bring diapers/toothpaste/toilet paper/etc. – IN LIEU OF NEIGHBOR GIFTS.

The party was a huge hit – almost all of the women in the neighborhood showed up, there was an enormous pile of supplies to donate, and most of us admitted that it was a relief not to have to worry about baking for the neighbors. We each baked a dozen of our favorites, then got to spend time actually socializing and catching up with each other instead of just dropping off our gifts and running to the next house. Everyone loved it and I think it will be a long-standing tradition.

So if you don’t like the status-quo – try to change it!
Jennie
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:04 am

I’m one of those super achiever gift-givers. It’s totally show-offy, I admit. When we moved here to Texas I realized after I delivered 20 plates of personalized gingerbread people that nobody here does that. I was wondering if nobody liked us since no one reciprocated. But I’ve come to realize that it’s just not something that people here do. This year I was thrilled to not have that additional burden–when in Rome, right? I love my friends and neighbors but I don’t have to prove it with goodies! (although one year I made my best cookies, but froze the dough in individual balls and put them in a cute airtight container for people to keep in their freezers and bake some other time of the year. I thought that was a good idea.)

P.S. I have to say that the lame puns Mormons always put with their goodies make me want to throw up. The worst I’ve seen so far were the muffins we got one year with a note saying “you’re getting ‘muffin’ for Christmas”. Ugh.
Giggles
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:04 am

One problem with neighbor gift giving is that they are mass gifts with little thought to the needs of the receiver. My mom is diabetic and has some food allergies and my dad has other health issues. Yet year after year they receive box and plate and bag of chocolates and sweets and other things that neither one of them can eat. The giver simply made a dozen or so of the same box/plate/bag and gave them to everyone. If none of us kids come home to my parents’ for Christmas, all of that stuff gets thrown in the trash and my mom ends up feeling bad because she couldn’t use what was given her and it seems to her like the giver doesn’t even know them.
jtg
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:13 am

Why is it that people expect that gifts must be on par with one another or that people who give gifts expect them back?

Admittedly, the one time I’ve done neighbor gifts it was because I really wanted to make cinnamon rolls but couldn’t manage to eat a full batch on my own. (Ok, I could have frozen them, but it’s more pleasant to share them.)

I do like the idea of a neighborhood breakfast or lunch. That idea achieves a nice feeling of community.
jendoop
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:15 am

Wow, I’m saddened by these attitudes about receiving gifts. What overwhelming bounty you enjoy.

When people give you something, you should receive it with a thankful heart, knowing that someone thought of you at Christmas. If you don’t like the gift, donate it to a local food pantry. Put the cookies in the freezer to enjoy next month. If you don’t want to reciprocate, then don’t. Send a thank you card and be done with it. Many would feel overwhelmingly blessed to receive gifts like those you have mentioned. This is just the holiday version of keeping up with the Joneses. Where is the sincerity, integrity, and love?

My measly gifts of service to the Savior are a silly penance to him – things not needed or up to his standards. But I’m so grateful that he accepts my meager gifts and blesses me in return for them. He teaches me through example that no matter the gift, I can find a way to appreciate it.
Justine
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:17 am

Just last night we were out delivering plates of cookies, and having so much fun doing it. We ran into loads of people out doing the same thing in our neighborhood. At one point, there were about 5 families over at one person’s house, and one of the men in the group commented, “Man, us Mormons sure are weird…driving all over the neighborhood to keep running into each other and throwing baked goods at everyone.”

I love it.

My kids love running around delivering cookies, and I’m sure we don’t get even half back of what we give, but I don’t care. I love doing it, and it makes my kids giddy. I sure hope it doesn’t cause someone else heartburn, though! I would hate to think I was stressing someone else out.
Kathryn P.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:25 am

Maybe it is a Mary-Martha thing. I’m definitely a Mary and every set of Santa cocoa mugs (Thanks Melissa!) and loaf of bread has felt like a warm hug. My primary girls and their families show me love and appreciation at Christmas and I think it is wonderful. We got a cocoa-latte maker from our home teacher and my boys were fighting about who gets to take it to college because they think it is so cool. The older one thinks he’d be living on the edge at BYU, because it says it is a “hot drink” maker! I kind of want to keep it and make frothy steamed milk with a touch of almond syrup like I had in downtown Seattle once.
Course Correction
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:12 pm

Some of my neighbors let their kids help make cookies or candy and bring them around the neighborhood. Earlier this month I wracked my brain trying to think of a way to reciprocate without upping the ante every year. It occurred to me that maybe it’s a good thing for the kids to learn to give without the expectation of receiving. This year my neighbors are getting a nice thank you note for their goodies.
Lindsay1138
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:20 pm

One year my parents neighborhood took all the money that would be spent on neighbor gifts and gave it to the family that had a little girl undergoing chemo. Of course, a few people cheated and still gave gifts.

I have taken goodies around, I have taken just cards around, and I did once send some chocolate pudding mix to my husbands work with a poem alluding to a mud pie–but not anymore.

Due to the economy, and that fact that 3 of my neighbors are diabetics, I am not giving gifts this year. I am buying some chickens for some poor people in Africa, and calling it my neighbor gift.

And you know what I hate? The Christmas Star. It never comes to our house, letting me know just how much the neighbors/ward members don’t like us. Just ’cause we’re on the boundaries of the ward and live on inactive street (seriously, 2 families go to church regularly out of our 12 houses) doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings.
Catania
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:21 pm

I like making holiday goodies. And I like making them look nice. However, I don’t ever expect anything in return. I try to make the goodies early in the month – before people are indundated with treats.

It’s funny, because I rarely eat the treats I receive. I try not to eat very much sugar. My girls and I love baking, but kind of wait until Christmas to really bake – because I’m stingy about baking all those goodies any other time of the year.

Interesting Post – I don’t live in Utah, so I haven’t really experienced what you’re describing, but I understand how some people can feel pressure to reciprocate. Writing a thank-you note seems to be the best idea.
Cheri
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

Melissa, I’d feel a little overwhelmed by such elaborate neighbor gifts too. And I love the idea of a neighborhood gathering, along with donating to a charity. Besides fostering a sense of community, you’re sharing the abundance with others who really need it. If you want to, I say start that tradition again. It’s not forcing anyone to share Christmas your way–it’s just an invitation, which others can accept or they can peacefully continue their own way of sharing.
Katie
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

I’m kind of suprised that people are criticizing you for wanting to reciprocate gifts, because I totally understand where you are coming from. Around Christmas I know I have a hard time separating what I feel like I “should” do from what I really want to do and what would genuinely be good for us as a family. I find a lot of those “shoulds” (like making goodies for every family we know) just ends up being a whole lot of stress for not a lot of benefit. What has helped me is to really think about my Christmas plans and evaluate what really makes Christmas enjoyable for my family, and weed out those things that I see others do (and which may bring them and their families a whole lot of joy) but which really aren’t the best for our family.

For example, I always feel like we should give homemade gifts because I feel that they are more heartfelt, affordable, etc. But, every year I always end up in a stressful mad dash to finish everything before Christmas. This year I told my husband that I wasn’t going to make any gifts unless he helped, and he proposed making kites, which was a hobby of his as a teenager. We had so much fun working together on the kites that I don’t even care that much if people like the gifts because it was such a great experience for our family to make them together. We still had a little bit of a rush to get them out the door, but at least we were rushing together instead of just me driving myself batty trying to do everything. We still did something homemade, but in a way that was good for us.

So, I would suggest to beware anytime you find yourself saying “should”, and think a little bit more and see if you really need to do it, or if there is a better way to do it so that it is something you enjoy instead of something you’re just doing because you have to.
Mel
December 22nd, 2009 @ 12:41 pm

I’m one of those people that loves to bake and make the cutesy handmade boxes to deliver my treats in. But this post has me thinking. Who am I doing this for? I think I do it more for myself than others. While I would like to think that the recipients of my gifts enjoy them, it’s really a venue for me to exercise my creativity. I would never want anyone to feel forced or guilted into giving a gift in return.

I think that, as both givers and receivers, we need to chill out. Don’t feel guilty every time someone brings over a plate of cookies and you have nothing to give in return. But don’t go so over the top with your gift giving that you become frustrated and harried in tying endless bows and molding dozens of chocolates chocolates.

I think I prefer to give small gifts and tokens of appreciation throughout the year – when it’s less expected and perhaps more authentic.
Melissa M.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

Emily U., I do think this is primarily a Utah tradition, although my friend in Virginia gives neighbor gifts, so I’m sure it extends beyond the Beehive state. And Lindsay1138, I’d like to know about that Christmas Star tradition, because I’ve never heard of it. I think I get the gist of it, though, and I’m sorry your family has been left out. Might be worth a mention to the RS pres. Kathryn P., we love our cocoa latte hot chocolate maker, too. I have a feeling my son will want to take it to college with him, too. Sue, I love the idea of having a cookie exchange party and bringing something to donate. Love. it. If I have enough forethought next year, I might try to organize something like that. Or reinstate the bonfire tradition, as Cheri suggested. And Jendoop, I’d love to donate some of these excess gifts (and you are right, it is an “overwhelming bounty”—which makes me feel guilty—people are starving all over the globe and we have too many cookies in our pantry) to a local food pantry, but I don’t think they accept homemade items. I would love to organize a canned food drive and donate food to the local food bank. Maybe next year…… Katie, I love the kite idea, and I love the fact that it became a fun, bonding experience for you and your family. Now that’s what I’d like to see more of.
corktree
December 22nd, 2009 @ 1:12 pm

I don’t mind sharing my favorite traditional treats, and I always keep it at that – the same thing every year, something that means something to my family. But in our new super-sized ward there’s just no way to make enough, so ashamedly, I find myself only giving when I have received. It’s not ideal, but there’s just no other way to narrow people down. And I do try to include neighbors to foster a better sense of community, but we’ve felt a bit lost in the crowd and friendless lately, so I guess I’m just tired of reaching out. I do like the sentiment behind the whole idea of exchanging gifts and thoughtful treats, but my heart is less in it this year. Of course, some people have actually come out and told me that they’re expecting our traditional drop-off this year. I don’t like to disappoint, but it makes me want to impose a moratorium on the whole thing for a while.
Handsfullmom
December 22nd, 2009 @ 1:26 pm

I’m with Christine and am actually surprised that so many don’t like the stress of neighbor gifts or the competition. I guess I never saw it as a competition or worried if my little cookies or loaf of bread was “good enough.” It’s just something fun to do during the holidays, a way to show my neighbors I love and appreciate them. And to be honest, I never really notice who does or doesn’t give us gifts or care. Last year, we didn’t do neighbor gifts because we were traveling during Christmas week and we were too busy and I didn’t feel a smidgen of guilt as my family ate all the lovely plates of things people dropped off for us.

We have a neighbor who always goes over the top with her gifts, bringing me beautiful items (often breakable which don’t always last so well in a house with seven little kids) on my birthday and Christmas. I love that she is so generous and thoughtful and though I don’t reciprocate, I do show her love and kindness in other ways.

I think we need to worry less about competition and more about kindness and appreciation for one another.
jks
December 22nd, 2009 @ 1:40 pm

Wow, what kind of neighborhood do you live in? I think we are the only ones who do anything and it is only some extra cookies to one or two neighbors sometimes, depending on how many cookies we make and eat ourselves.
If all of your neighbors are doing it surely everyone is inundated and doesn’t need anything more?
You could try switching to writing thank you notes to the gift givers. Some people just really love to give gifts. A note or phone call to tell them how beautiful it was and how much you appreciate the gift is perhaps something they might appreciate.
liz
December 22nd, 2009 @ 1:55 pm

Just wanted to say that this does happen in non-Mormon and non-Utah areas. We benefitted from lovely (not LDS) neighbors who brought things to us both in Georgia and in Ohio. What makes it a little different in Utah is that your neighbors are also your fellow ward members, in most cases. I love receiving neighbor gifts (we live in Utah now) and nothing sugary ever goes to waste at my house. My ward feels very non-competitive in general (no pressure to dress a certain way, etc.), at least to me, and I think this takes a lot of pressure off. I do enjoy sharing homemade gifts, but this year, it seems a little overwhelming for some reason. I’m thinking pretty seriously about New Years or Valentines treats. I think it might feel more sincere to take something to a few people once in awhile and even visit with them for a few minutes (especially our elderly neighbors) than to only do so at Christmastime. Something I’m thinking about.
Melissa
December 22nd, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

This made me laugh out loud. I do give gifts, but feel the same way about the quality because I don’t do fancy. This year I looked at the cookie books and then thought about all the bread mixes I had. I made pumpkin muffins and cinnamon cake and added some chocolate chip cookies. So not fancy. I love to give, but receiving makes me gain too much weight. I guess I’m in the middle. I like the tradition, but not the hassle. So far, my neighborhood has been pretty low key.
Allison
December 22nd, 2009 @ 3:20 pm

#13 – “Our Bishop stands at the pulpit the Sunday after Thanksgiving and announces that as a ward we are giving to charity rather than doing neighbor gifts.”

This is very strange to me. In every ward I have ever been in, leadership and the missionaries plead for ward members to reach out to their neighbors. Church membership is shrinking in the US and Canada and it seems like mandating that one’s ward ignore their neighbors would only contribute to further decline.
Brenda
December 22nd, 2009 @ 3:45 pm

I don’t mind getting the cookies…bring ‘em on! We’ve done the plate of cookies thing for neighbors and friends, but what starts out sounding like a fun idea quickly turns to stress. This year I’m not even baking for my own family, let alone the neighbors. We’ve been doing some remodeling and unless someone wants sawdust in their cookies, it’s not happening.
christine
December 22nd, 2009 @ 5:16 pm

#39, I’m with you. It would really bother me to have the bishop micromanaging the dropping off of a jar of jam! If you don’t want to, it won’t bother me in the least but don’t deny me the joy of giving! To be totally honest, if I took the money I spent on neighbor gifts and gave it to the poor, they might be able to buy a chicken, but maybe only a McNugget. As for me and my house, we’ll just do both Because it’s fun. Really.
a non y mouse
December 22nd, 2009 @ 5:31 pm

Oh I so identify with this. I have a hard time deciding what to give–is it good enough–and I also struggle to limit my list. I’ve done as many as sixty ward thingies before, because I love all these people and I really hate to leave anyone out. Every year, the more people I grow to know and appreciate, the more I add to my list, and the more I feel daunted by the whole thing.
E
December 22nd, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

I also think it’s wrong to try to dictate to other people their Christmas traditions. A neighbor giving you a small gift is just a friendly gesture, it does not require that you adopt that as your own tradition. And it seems sort of presumptuous to announce to everyone in the neighborhood that they are now obligated to participate in a charity drive at Christmas. If you want to donate to a food bank, donate to a food bank. If you want to bake cookies and take them around to the neighbors, bake cookies and take them around to the neighbors. If you want to do none of the above, that’s okay.
Not In Utah
December 22nd, 2009 @ 7:14 pm

This post and some comments are so disturbing to me, for so many reasons. Bishops can’t tell us who to give or not give gifts to, Christmas isn’t a contest, ‘only’ 2 families on a street of 12 is an extremely high concentration of Mormons most anywhere outside of Utah, and guess what: It’s not about you! I think if more people would focus on love and charity and less on image and status, none of this would be an issue. Whew!
Blue
December 22nd, 2009 @ 8:35 pm

haven’t read the comments, but i’ve decided to stop keeping track of who is giving what to whom. giving a gift isn’t a business transaction. if you give something, own it and make peace with it. if someone gives you a gift, accept it graciously and be thankful. that is what the giver mostly likely intended.

i love the cookies and treats. this year i couldn’t manage to do NGs…but we’ve received some and been thankful for the kindness shown.

i also love cards. photos and updates are my favorites.

i just love christmas.

i don’t love being robbed though…which i was this afternoon.

♥
lee
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:42 pm

Blue, being robbed is tough. We got thru it (twice) with prayer. (Like anything) Hugs & thoughts for you.

Best neighbor gift I got this year: A package of paper plates and cups. Oh the holiday cheer! Paper goods are an indulgence for me, and it sure saved me some work. They had a cute little note saying something like “let our family do the dishes!” Cute, original and so appreciated!
Sue
December 22nd, 2009 @ 9:50 pm

E – We announced nothing of the sort. Everyone was invited – those who wanted to attend could. Those who didn’t want to, didn’t have to. It was an option, and apparently, an option that most of the women in the neighborhood were glad to have.
MissMel
December 22nd, 2009 @ 10:11 pm

I’d like to leave my address here for all those who want to get rid of their neighbor cookie plates:
MissMel
1900 Hungry Street
Famished, UT 84002
RunnerMom
December 22nd, 2009 @ 10:41 pm

Three cheers for giving!
Three boos for insecurity!
Three cheers for thank you notes instead of reciporicating if you choose!
Three boos for whining about gifts, people, GIFTS!
The end.
Brooke
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:49 pm

you need to read president eyring’s little book/pamphlet about giving. i think it’s called “gifts of love.” it will totally change your attitude about giving gifts. no need to feel pressure– just say thanks! & if you want to give a gift, give it. i don’t think most people are giving plates of cookies with the expectation of reciprocation.

merry christmas!
Melissa M.
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:58 pm

Are some of you in my ward? I’m hoping no one eggs my house tonight. Now that would be a neighbor gift to remember.
Tiffany
December 23rd, 2009 @ 8:10 am

I like giving gifts, but there isn’t really a competition element for me or for my neighbors. At the moment, I don’t have the time, energy or money to do lots of baking for tons of people,so we take a plate of treats to our neighbor (we only have one) and to our home and visiting teaching families. It gives us an opportunity to pop in without adding to the stress of the holidays and to let know our friends we appreciate them.
Kerri
December 23rd, 2009 @ 9:07 am

I like RunnerMom.
Kathryn Soper
December 23rd, 2009 @ 10:21 am

Awesome, Melissa.

I know what I’m giving to some of our commenters this year: a sense of humor. Merry Christmas, all!
Lindsay1138
December 23rd, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

The Christmas Star and the Halloween Boo Ghost are a plate of goodies accompanied by a cheesy poem exhorting you to make 4 copies of the picture and poem and pass it on. You put the Star or Ghost in your window so everyone knows you have been visited.

Here is my issue with it. We live on a street with inactives and non-members. If this is a neighborhood thing it should include everyone. If it’s just a ward thing, then it’s not really helping us reach out to our non-member neighbors.

I choose not to do neighbor gifts, but throughout the year I do send goodies around. With so many diabetics on our street, it’s hard to come up with things they can enjoy. And as my dad is a diabetic and lives in the heart of neighbor gift central, I know what it’s like for someone to receive a generous bounty of stuff you can’t eat.
Merry Michelle
December 23rd, 2009 @ 3:41 pm

Adorable! I’ll be right over with my baklava…
Melissa M.
December 23rd, 2009 @ 3:50 pm

Now baklava I’ll gladly receive, Michelle.
Melissa M.
December 23rd, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

Also, Lindsay1138, that tradition sounds like a lot of work—and you do this at Halloween and Christmas? I think I’d be relieved to be left out, although I can see why it would hurt people’s feelings if they were. I think your ward/neighborhood should either include everyone or not do it at all, and I’d vote for not doing it at all….
Courtney
December 23rd, 2009 @ 9:07 pm

I’ve done it all – lived in wards where people exchange a million things, opted with friends to do adopt a family through the children’s hospital rather than neighbor gifts and lived in places where there aren’t many members and just did goodies for our neighbors. I liked all of them and in the different situations they all worked.

This year, I made plates of treats and we took them to 5 of our neighbors (an elderly widower from our ward and four families who my kids are friends with their kids). My kids sang a short song at each house and we handed off the goodies. My kids loved it. It was nothing fancy – it was just us spreading some holiday cheer and saying thanks for being a great neighbor and friend. One person brought us a jar of homemade jam later in the week which was nice but not expected.

Maybe this is a case where it’s easier to live places without a lot of members!
heathermommy
December 23rd, 2009 @ 9:37 pm

Yes, three cheers to living outside of Utah, or Mesa Arizona for that matter!!

Seriously, this is our first year in Iowa and we are the only members in our neighborhood. But we gave goodies and cards to all the people on our street because I want to get to know them. Then we gave presents to our children’s primary teachers. That I have decided will be our family’s tradition – because I really want them to know how much I appreciate them.

We did not get anything from any one in our ward and that was fine with me.
Terresa Wellborn
December 24th, 2009 @ 2:16 am

I realize there are 60 comments on this post, and I’m coming a little late to the goodie plate party. All the same, I’m tossing in my cookies worth:

I don’t mean to sound uberharsh, but is gift giving some Olympian feat in your ward/neighborhood? And if it’s such a rat race, why not just check out? It’s OK, no one will shout “loser” and if they do, maybe they aren’t true friends.

I love the idea of the bon fire and donations to charity. Why not bring that idea up again, with gusto?

Christmas is not about out-doing each other. It’s about feeling Christ’s spirit, that of giving. But don’t feel obligated to give, either, just b/c someone else did. Just keep striving towards generosity of heart, of spirit, of mind. But not in towers of goodie filled Martha Stewart baskets.

PS: Maybe consider moving to Las Vegas. We just swap tickets to shows for Christmas. No pressure at all.

Merry Christmas!!
Johnna
December 24th, 2009 @ 12:57 pm

“You could look at it this way,” my husband, the businessman, said. “You could say you got an excellent return on your investment.”

I’m still laughing.

The way the comments have gone surprised me, but I’ve learned a lot how neighborhood gift-givers do not want their practices mocked. I’m going to make elaborate hand-made thank-you notes if I ever move into a gift-exchange neighborhood.
Stephen M (ethesis)
December 25th, 2009 @ 6:46 pm

You know, when we have time, I delight in giving gifts. When the year is hectic, I’m glad that others haven’t been giving as much

I enjoy hosting parties though, and that can be fun as an alternative.

“i don’t love being robbed though…which i was this afternoon”

I’m so sorry. I’ve been burgled and it was terrible.
Jen
December 26th, 2009 @ 10:15 am

My cousin gave everyone a package of paper plates this year with a note that read, “Let our family do the dishes this Christmas.” Brilliant, says I. And everyone else loved the idea so much, I imagine next year will bring cups and utensils and napkins too.
Harlene
December 29th, 2009 @ 11:51 pm

Isn’t it funny the posts that hit a nerve?