To judge or be judged

Posted by Jenny Whitcomb | January 27, 2010 | 23 Comments

You’ve all experienced this to some degree…
to judge or be judged.
I remind myself today
that
We are all fighting a hard fight.

About others, we do not know the whole story.
Others do not know the story of our struggles.
A good friend told me that she tries to keep this thought in mind:
Treat everyone as if their heart is breaking.
(in most cases you are probably right)
so here’s to refraining from judgment
and remembering that when others judge us,
they can’t see the whole picture.

Comments

23 Responses to “To judge or be judged”

JoLyn
January 27th, 2010 @ 1:31 pm

“Treat everyone as if their heart is breaking”. Perfectly put.

I had someone say to me once when she found out about a huge trial I was dealing with, “But I thought you had the perfect life.” We all have something…. We may wear a smile, but perhaps only so we can try to “be of good cheer” and “endure it well.”

Thanks for the reminder.
Rose
January 27th, 2010 @ 2:29 pm

This is a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately. Back in the day people who were greiving from the loss of a loved one wore black. Sometimes I think it would be easier if things were still that way and we wore a color to represent what we were going through.
Terresa Wellborn
January 27th, 2010 @ 2:48 pm

This is the truth. What we see on the outside is only a fraction of what goes on behind the eyes, the heart, the closed front door.

Thanks for the reminder.
Natalie
January 27th, 2010 @ 2:56 pm

Yesterday someone left a self-righteous comment on my blog when I mentioned an R-rated movie. (They are going to pray for me though so it is OK)

I felt judged. And then I realized I was judging her too. (There may have been some rants about why I’ll never live in Utah again) So maybe she felt the same way.

We’re all in this together. New mantra.
Angela
January 27th, 2010 @ 3:11 pm

Yeah, Natalie, I’m with you. It was quite the epiphany when I realized I judged judgmental people. But I totally do! It’s good for me to remember that judgmental people are probably that way because they’re hurting in some way. Or they’re afraid of not being in control. Or they’re frantic to define themselves by how much better they appear relative to other people. Or–sigh–they just get a lot of joy out of delivering a good smackdown. (See, there I go again!!!) So don’t judge me for judging judgmental people. I apparently have my own set of issues I haven’t adequately worked through.
RunnerMom
January 27th, 2010 @ 3:55 pm

Well said, Angela. I think there are no “judgemental people;” there are just people. We all judge, whether judging from the bottom looking up or from the top looking down. My motto is similar to the one of your friend. I try to treat everyone as if they are doing the very best job that they are able to do. That helps. If only it were easier apply the principle to my good hubby and kiddos.
Melissa
January 27th, 2010 @ 4:59 pm

The greatest spiritual growth in my life began with me trying to see my mother like the Savior sees her. It really helped me let go of my frustrations and judgement and begin to endure the end of her life with a happier heart. Judgement gets in the way of our personal growth. If we are so concerned with judging another’s life or actions, we lose the brain space necessary to process our own growth and progression. Not to mention judgement breeds a negative spirit in us. Who wants to walk around with negative feelings? Not me.
jendoop
January 27th, 2010 @ 5:58 pm

I agree with your post.

Something I do want to point out though is that on blogs like this, when a subject is offered up for discussion it is not judgmental to state your opinion about that subject. There are good and kind ways to assert those opinions, which we should embrace. It drives me crazy to have a lively and respectful discussion going and someone throws out the accusation that others are being judgmental.

There are times when we have to judge what is right and wrong for our lives. If we don’t make some kind of personal judgment calls we’ll make unwise decisions because we haven’t pondered carefully. Maybe the problem comes when those judgments about abstract concepts are applied to specific people.
Merry Michelle
January 27th, 2010 @ 6:31 pm

“Be kind, for everyone you meed is fighting a great battle” ~Phyllo of Alexandria
Jenny
January 27th, 2010 @ 8:10 pm

Michelle,
AMEN.
Be kind.
Thanks~
Kathryn Soper
January 27th, 2010 @ 8:13 pm

Thank you, Jenny. I really needed to hear this today.
Danielle
January 27th, 2010 @ 9:14 pm

This was so well put. Thank you. I find the older I get the less I judge. This is probably because I usually end up doing something similar to whatever I was judgmental about.
Melinda
January 27th, 2010 @ 10:04 pm

I was at a YW activity tonight. One of the YW went off on a mini-rant about how judgmental the people in our ward are, and how she wants to speak in sacrament meeting about not being judgmental.

Not five minutes later, she started ridiculing a young man in the ward, calling him names and mocking some of his mannerisms. I mentioned that now she was being judgmental. Her reply was that he really is that way, so it’s okay to call him that. I asked her if it’s only judgmental if you’re wrong. That pretty much ended the conversation, and I’m sure she thinks I judged her.

I liked the post, and think it’s a good message that bears repeating. It was just funny that I’d had that conversation an hour before reading this post.
Angie f
January 27th, 2010 @ 10:36 pm

Melinda, your comment made me think of a branch on my mission that was almost decimated by vicious gossip. The people doing the gossiping felt justified in their actions because the info was “true.” We had to do a lot of teaching and re-teaching to root out that idea. I find that gossip and judgmental behavior often go hand in hand. I tell myself that I am trying not to be judgmental or close-minded, but I know that sometimes I’m just ignoring those habits in myself. The flip side of being unrighteously judgmental that I see rampant in the world and increasingly problematic even in the church is the idea that we should make no value judgments–that any choice is a good choice (‘it’s all good’). It takes great power to willingly stand up and call good good and evil evil. It takes great humility and spiritual maturity to extend love instead of judgment to those around us–perhaps a spiritual hippocratic oath: first, do no harm.
j. vorwaller
January 27th, 2010 @ 11:09 pm

I love this, I’m going to keep this in mind, thanks (as always) for the uplifting thoughts!
Bonnie White
January 27th, 2010 @ 11:41 pm

I agree with jendoop – sometimes we do need to judge. The operative word here in “unrighteously” and perhaps that is where we often fall short because we don’t know the whole story or the broken heart.”We judge people by their actions and ourselves by our intentions” resonates too true sometimes. I really enjoy these discussions.
Kay
January 28th, 2010 @ 3:13 am

Kindness is everything isn’t it. We want love and kind thoughts from others, and they all deserve them in return. Thank you for giving me something to think about today.
Heidi
January 28th, 2010 @ 9:43 am

I just read “Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute. It was life-changing for me. The core principle is to avoid judging others. What a fantastic way to live.
Linda
January 28th, 2010 @ 10:23 am

Years ago I had a son that made a very poor choice. As my husband was in a leadership position in the church it seemed as if everyone knew about it. My heart cried out, “Don’t judge me. I taught him better.” Then I thought of him and my heart cried harder, “Don’t judge him. He is a good boy that made a bad choice and is dealing daily with the decision he made. I am watching him suffer and learn and realign his life.” There was my lesson in judging others. I can honestly say that rarely do I judge people anymore. Instead my first thoughts are thoughts of sorrow for what they are going through. Happy ending. My son, triumphed and he is totally awesome.
Kathryn Soper
January 28th, 2010 @ 10:31 am

#9, I’m going to write that quote on a post-it note and stick it to my laptop monitor. Thank you.
Merry Michelle
January 28th, 2010 @ 11:53 am

You bet.
And that’s “meet”, not meed–but I’m sure you all got the idea. I have boys, so the quote is attached to a picture of a weary knight–I can e-mail Melissa M. the picture and she can e-mail it to you.
bth
January 28th, 2010 @ 5:25 pm

My first reaction to this post was that I do fine refraining from judging harshly. But according to Angela’s comment, I’m quite good at judging judgmental people. Dangit!

My pet peeve is ignorance. But is “ignorance” just a flashy way of saying “judgmental people are brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble” [Conan O'Brien nod]?
rk
January 28th, 2010 @ 7:11 pm

I once heard a stand-up act by a particularly funny Christian stand-up comedian. He said,

“I hear people say, ‘I just want to got to a church where no one judges me and where they accept me for who I am.’. . .Your in a bar.