I’m not sure why Betty Friedan thought women did nothing beyond the walls of their homes. I know that looking at the lives of women I’ve studied, she was incorrect in that assumption.

Ultimately, it’s our choice whether we stay cloistered, or live a larger life–but I do think some of the pressure on women today to be “happy” comes precisely from such women as Ms Friedan, who assume that a domestic life *wasn’t* happy or of worth, and that we must be-all, do-all, right NOW, to be happy. I reject that notion.

As I grew up and became a mother and now grandmother, I have added a caveat to that old saying. You need to give yourself permission to be proactive enough in your life and choices to make what you have worth wanting.

Cjane wrote an essay in 2007 called “The Art of Self-Centeredness in Mothering.” In reading about her mother’s style, I found much that felt familiar. Without realizing what I was doing, this is exactly how I went about parenting. I let go of societal expectations and just did what made me (and my kids) happy as a mother. I got enough of what I needed to be a fun, happy mom, and my kids benefited. As a mother, I “wanted what I had” because I engineered it. In other words, while I couldn’t always control the wind (couldn’t always have what I want), I could certainly “always control the sails” (make sure that what I did have was worth wanting).

We have a lot more power to engineer our lives to our liking and still be nurturing mothers and wives than we give ourselves credit for. And I’m not talking about selfishness. I’m talking about being our real selves doing the role of mothering in a manner congruent with our own needs and personalities rather than adopting some perfectionistic facade trumped up by other people. Let’s face it. What works great for one doesn’t work at all for another. We need to get creative, here!

Happiness still isn’t having what you want, because some things you want just ain’t gonna happen. However, “wanting what you have” is a lot easier if you feel free to suit what you already have to your own best good. I truly believe that everyone in the family wins when mothers are empowered to do this.

=)

When he couldn’t come up with anything, I bluntly shared with him something that helped me at the same age: sometimes poor self-esteem is just good old common sense. Do something good in the world, and you have something to look on positively, no matter your surrounding circumstances.

I think it’s great that we have greater societal freedom to express dissatisfaction and sadness, but I do think people get used to complaining as a mode of expression, and then have a hard time seeing through more pleasant-colored filters.

I also think some personalities have an easier time of it. I know I have a much easier time seeing my blessings and being happy even in hardships than does my dear husband. (He also tends to be a perfectionist, so that may be a tie-in.)

I’d say part of the unhappiness is the culmination of 30-odd years of being told that not only *can* we “have it all (all at once)”, but that we *must*, and if we’re not perfect, then we must needs be miserable failures. That push to do-all, be-all, at-all-times, can lead to a lot of living in the thick of thin things, as Pres. Monson talked about this past weekend.

We recently spent nearly a whole day helping an artist friend with a photo shoot. Nothing complex; it was really just watching our kids play in a mountain creek for about four hours, while the artist snapped pictures. No phones, no clocks, no demands, no electricity… nothing but kids, some mud, and a tin pail. Driving home, we felt entirely restored and, yes, HAPPY. My husband expressed great satisfaction with watching his four children interact so happily in such a simple way… he was happy.

I think we need to redefine what constitutes “happy.” It is not the “constant giddy with delight” that society would have us believe.

I believe that we as women made covenants before we came to earth, to stand ready bear spirit children to mortality. Whether or not we are called to that service in this life, that covenant is tied to who we are. That ultimate unselfish service testifies of my nature as a daughter of Eve. Even if I had never had the opportunity to see the fruit of that particular covenant in mortality, whatever it be biology or circumstance, I am a woman, and that testifies possession of that elemental nature.

I think living in an age where we as women can exercise elements of our beings in ways not dared dreamed sometimes can be a stumbling block but most of the time it is an enormous blessing. Especially in the full light of the Gospel. To be able to choose again to follow the impressions of that nature be it though actual biological childbearing, or the myriad of ways in women’s true nature manifests itself, sometimes counter intuitively (by the mortal eye), brings the most pure joy to me.

That said I think that this scripture, we as women should embroider, tattoo or brand where we will never forget it.

Mosiah 4: 27
“And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man (woman) should run faster than he (she) has strength. And again, it is expedient that he (she) should be diligent, that thereby he (she) might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

There are times when the cause we are enlisted will be more than our strength, at the those times the Lord stands ready to “…strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand…” but most of the time we are to use wisdom and order to direct us, and we will find happiness.

Mortality can be difficult, sad and painful, especially with the myopia of mortality that most often besets me, but if we are not regularly experiencing some appreciable measure of happiness and joy in our lives their might be some blessings of chemistry or counseling waiting for us to claim from our healthcare provider.

I’ve realized lately that I search for THINGS to fill a void when maybe, just maybe, it’s the Lord showing me where I need him a little more. I’ve found things in my life that give me almost a temporary feeling or a glimpse of the feeling that only the Lord can truly give.
Remember the scripture story where all the people had to do was look at the serpent on the stick and they would be healed? But because of the ease, the simplicity of it, they didn’t and they perished.
I think of that all the time now. I am reminding myself that all he asks is for me to turn to him to feel more fulfilled, but because the ease of the turning to him part gets in the way, I suffer.
At one point, I realized that I feel as though I have to worry, I have to suffer, because once I stop -BAM- something very challenging and heartbreaking is going to happen and I wont be able to deal.
Very messed up – I know. That is just me not trusting the Lord enough to have the faith that he can help me get through anything.

So, I guess my question is really do some of us expect that life is just hard and challenging and it’s become habit to feel unhappiness over the little things?

Katie- Counseling is often as much about changing our beliefs as it is about changing our actual situation and that supports one of my main theorems- that happiness is alot about where we set goalposts.

I disagree though about the gospel. The gospel provides us with a fulness of truth- the great plan of happiness. But how we implement that knowledge is critical in our happiness. While I do know many radiant happy LDS women- their beliefs and actions are supported their pursuit of truth and things of worth. I know many LDS women who are unhappy who do not radiate this way. (Hearing truth is not same as living it or trusting it) Similarly I know many Non-LDS women (seeing as there is only 1 other LDS family in my town of 7000- most of my daily contact is w/ nm) who are very happy and radiant. I believe this comes from living truth (i.e focus on families, service, living by moral values). We don’t have a monopoly on truth, the gospel just contains a truth. Many other people have many parts and principles and I readily see this evidenced in their lives.

Jennie- I think thats a great way to conceptualize it – the if…then happiness of of our culture. Ascribing to that I find so ironic because is no many parts of the world, people have very, very little possesions, security (health, employment) etc and yet they live happy lives.