Comments on: Together and Apart

By: anotherben

anotherben — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:45:08 +0000

This is wonderful. My wife and I have worked with the same bishop and (probably) the same counselor, and that they suggested divorce is a surprise to me.

While I’m grateful for leaders who seek inspiration and professionals who excel in their field, it’s good to be reminded of their humanity. I’m really glad you two are still together.

Bless you both.

By: Tiffany W.

Tiffany W. — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:25:24 +0000

Thank you so much for this post. I have been meaning to comment, but life keeps getting in the way. The husband of a dear friend of mine left the church. It has been so difficult for her. I don’t think she ever received advice to divorce him. And honestly, why should she? He is a good person, a wonderful husband and father. His own feelings about the gospel haven’t changed those aspects of him. They keep moving forward. I know there are moments of tension, but they are both trying. And I admire both of them.

Anyhow, thank you for being honest as you described your life. For many of us, life doesn’t turn out as expected. We all have moments which seem to tear at the very fabric of our beliefs. To me, true strength and courage comes when we press forward, in spite of shattered dreams or changed realities. We find happiness in what is and continue to hope for good things.

By: m&m

m&m — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 08:24:02 +0000

Thanks for this post. I appreciate your honesty. I stumbled on this article on the topic, fwiw. I was moved to read it, and immediately thought of this post. Marriage is such a journey!

By: Carina

Carina — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:30:54 +0000

FoxyJ,

I like to think that if you two can make it, the rest of us should hush up and love our spouses. Having been a faithful reader of yours for several years, I’ve been through the ups and downs of your relationship. I’m always impressed by the care and thoughtfulness the two of you devote to your marriage, and how open and honest you are about the choice you’ve made to be together.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:23:05 +0000

Great post. Some of my friends are going through a similar struggle.

By: Kelsie

Kelsie — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:37:56 +0000

I never said, “Never divorce.” In fact, I do think that abuse is one of those situations where priesthood leaders may advocate a dissolution of marriage. Furthermore, there are probably numerous individual situations that could be listed here where divorce is far and away the best option. But, I opted not to list those out.

What I meant by my *general* comment, and perhaps, did not do a good enough job at conveying was that I can see why couples or individuals stick it out. And I ADMIRE THAT. I surmise that they do it because they are keeping their covenants.

And I was not trying to imply that those who don’t stick it out, are out and out “covenant breakers.” That’s not what I said. Please don’t read into my comment or take anything personally.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:01:27 +0000

Thanks so much.

By: Melyngoch

Melyngoch — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:55:00 +0000

FoxyJ, I always find it heartening to see you write or talk about your marriage, which I know has been complicated for both of you, but is a marriage I love hanging out with. It’s encouraging to see two such good, honest, genuine, and hilarious people find a way to make it work despite the difficulties. You’re my heroes. (please read that in the voice of Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.)

By: Merry Michelle

Merry Michelle — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:36:56 +0000

What an amazing post. The comments have also been heartfelt and thought provoking. It’s funny how life never really rolls along how we planned. Hearing all your stories really helps me realize that there really isn’t such a thing as a “normal” marriage. We just follow the spirit the best we can.

By: Melissa M.

Melissa M. — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:12:41 +0000

Whoa, polygamy—let’s not go there.:-) As far as keeping covenants go, I agree that sometimes in our marriages it’s a matter of hanging in there and keeping our covenants. I also agree that the Lord will judge us on how we kept those covenants. But I am leery of advocating keeping covenants at all cost (which I don’t think you were doing, Kelsie). What about situations of abuse? I know of several sisters who have stayed in physically or emotionally abusive marriages for the sake of their covenants—to the great detriment of their children. I have a friend who was contemplating leaving an abusive spouse, but who was afraid to break her temple covenants. As she prayed about it, she felt she should get a divorce. She told the Lord, “But you hate covenant-breaking.” And the response she heard in her mind was, “But I hate abuse more.” I currently have a friend who is suffering in an emotionally abusive and very unhappy marriage. Her children are suffering and the effects of their dysfunctional upbringing will no doubt haunt them the rest of their lives and shadow their own marriages. But my friend keeps clinging to the idea that she made covenants, and she needs to keep them. Keep them at what cost?

Anyway, sorry about the threadjack but I think we need to be careful of advocating keeping our covenants no matter what, because it makes those who struggle in abusive marriages feel even more confused and guilty.