True confessions: What is your shrimp salad?

Posted by Dalene | February 20, 2009 | 50 Comments

One of my favorite books is The Ladies Auxiliary by Tova Mirvis. When discussing Mormon lit on Segullah–well, anywhere really–I often say I will know we have finally arrived when I read the Mormon equivalent of The Ladies Auxiliary. I love many aspects of this story about discovering true faith, finding meaning in your obedience and what can happen when a number of worlds collide in a small Jewish community in Memphis. (But this is not a book review. If you haven’t read it already, come back after you have and we’ll discuss.)

I enjoy identifying certain characters in the book with people I actually know in the highly concentrated community of Mormons in which I live. But there is also a character who, to me, is sort of an everywoman. Her name is Jocelyn. Jocelyn has a secret. In a world where women painstakingly endeavor from dawn to dusk to keep kosher (read, be perfect), Jocelyn has an intense craving for completely non-kosher shrimp salad. And so she keeps a small Tupperware bowl of shrimp salad hidden away in her freezer. It calls to her. She needs it. And yet its very presence seems to haunt her almost relentlessly. She is keenly aware of it when the discussion turns to keeping kosher during a dinner party. She thinks about it almost constantly. She almost can’t live with it, but can’t live without it, either.

What I love about Jocelyn is that despite her bowl of shrimp salad, she is still faithful. Most of her intentions–the desires of her heart–are pure and good. She tries to be kind and understanding. She works hard to be obedient. She searches her soul to understand and be sincere in her faith. But she simply cannot let go of that shrimp salad.

I believe that when we are being emotionally honest with ourselves, it becomes apparent that many of us may have little Tupperware bowls of shrimp salad hidden away in our respective freezers. This does not mean we are not faithful. It simply means we are human. We are still working out our faith. Our struggles may not be over the Word of Wisdom. They can be over just about anything.

As I contemplate this fact in terms of my own life, I sometimes wonder if it’s not so much an inability to give up the shrimp salad, but rather a reluctance to fully commit myself. Or perhaps it is pride or fear holding me back.

Tell me about your shrimp salad.

I don’t mean anything you’d have to confess to your bishop about. I’m talking about those little vices or guilty pleasures (or sins of omission) we hang on to and justify to ourselves. You can comment anonymously if you’d like. I don’t really need to know; I’m just interested in exploring the topic of those little things we hang on to. Why do we do it? Are they really no big deal? Or do they hold us back?

Category: Daily Special

Comments

50 Responses to “True confessions: What is your shrimp salad?”

FoxyJ
February 20th, 2009 @ 9:19 am

I’ll go first–I haven’t fasted for a few years. And I stopped breastfeeding over two years ago, so I don’t have a good excuse. It’s hard for me, plus my kids are too little and my husband is inactive. And every month I get that little feeling that I should try fasting again. I’ve been really trying to get more spiritually on track and I know that fasting will help, but I still hold back because it’s really hard. I liked this post and now I’m going to try and think about fasting the next time Fast Sunday comes around.
cabesh
February 20th, 2009 @ 9:26 am

I love that book (read it after your recommendation)…..

Shrimp salad=not attending the temple. Since I had kids I’ve had a hard time making it a priority…it started with ” I have to feed the baby every two hours” and now it’s finding a babysitter, having a free day, etc….. Excuses. I know. But it’s there, like you said.
rebekah
February 20th, 2009 @ 9:36 am

ah, my summer cottage in babylon…fully furnished, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, marble counter tops, in a lovely neighborhood…

i have foibles and faults and stupid things that i keep doing even though i certainly know they are wrong. my endeavor is not to nurse these shortcomings and be cute about them. i think that’s where it crosses the line between being an honest weakness and being coy about a transgression.

i will join ranks with foxyj who hates to fast. anything but fasting, i can do almost anything but fast with a happy heart…
Cindy
February 20th, 2009 @ 9:51 am

I loved that book! I made our book group read it and was surprised by the wide range of reactions to it.

The shrimp salad reminds me of I believe it was Elder Maxwell talking about our favorite sin–the one we just can’t give up.
Michelle L.
February 20th, 2009 @ 10:39 am

Hmm, what do I want to confess? This is a deep thinking one Dalene… I’ll be back.
Sue
February 20th, 2009 @ 10:49 am

I have so many kinds of salad it would be hard to list them all, but the main one is being too worldly. (Occasionally I will cross the line with my sense of humor. Of course, the main problem is that my mind even “goes there.” I’m pretty sure this is a legacy from my college days, when I was inactive.) Another one is going out to dinner sometimes on Fast Sunday. This was considered acceptable when I was a little girl, and I’ve never quite been able to let go of it, though we do it a lot less, thanks to my husband’s influence. I’ve also been known to run to the grocery store in a pinch, though I’m doing better on this one, too. I should go to the temple more often and tune in more fully when I’m there. (No dozing.) Setting aside a specific time for prayer and scripture study would be good, too.

Yikes. My freezer is more crowded than I thought. Guess I’d better follow Pres. Hinkley’s dad’s advice: Forget (get over) myself, and go to work.
Kristin
February 20th, 2009 @ 11:06 am

I think the shrimp salad that I most need to dispose of at the moment is not appreciating the value of the temple that houses my spirit. And not treating it accordingly.

I let it stay up way too late all the time…sometimes on things that are worthwhile, but sometimes not. I feed it a tasty and unhealthy diet to fuel it when its exhausted, and wonder why it doesn’t perform the way I want it to. I marvel at the dull headache that won’t go away for days at a time. Or at the ache in my lower front teeth. These, along with others, are the signs of deep fatigue for me.

No, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol, or smoke or break the Word of Wisdom in terms of the temple questions.
But I know the way I have treated my body is a stumbling block to my ability to feel the spirit. I am working on it, and did better this week than I have in a while. In fact, I haven’t had the headache for three days. Go me!

And honestly, isn’t anything that hampers our ability to live by the spirit a type of shrimp salad? Of course, mine would actually be chocolate salad…since we all choose different favorite sins.

Thanks for the book recommendation and thoughtful post.
Brooke
February 20th, 2009 @ 11:37 am

oh dalene, i have so many bowls of shrimp salad in so many varieties. but the one that sticks out to me most is my lack of daily scripture reading. i feel especially guilty for this because i read all the time, every night… but the scriptures are always (mostly) (ok, always) neglected for the latest novel from the library.
Mrs. Organic
February 20th, 2009 @ 11:57 am

Ok so it’s a molding shrimp salad that I really despise partaking of, but it’s in my freezer anyway – I totally could’ve been a sailor. If you know what I mean.
QueenScarlett
February 20th, 2009 @ 12:15 pm

I haven’t read this book yet…but now I’m going to…and recommending it to my book group. I have a plenty of shrimp salad…

As for why we hold onto it… nostalgia? familiarity? I dunno. Can’t wait to read the book and then discuss further.
kannie
February 20th, 2009 @ 12:16 pm

Ditto to Kristin’s thoughts, and add oversleeping. I woke up this morning at 6:30, just like I’d prayed to, and then went back to sleep because I figured I couldn’t POSSIBLY be feeling that awake, that “early.” Wow. Talk about missed blessings… thank you for such a timely post!

The shrimp salad analogy is really great, because while it’s not inherently a big deal, it provides that stumbling block to looking up to God (or operating at our best) with a clear conscience, clean heart, etc.
suedonym
February 20th, 2009 @ 12:24 pm

Imagine a Chuck-A-Rama. Now imagine it filled with nothing but shrimp salad. Get the visual? Now, you have just seen inside my fridge.
My faith is strong, the rest of me needs much work.
Strollerblader
February 20th, 2009 @ 12:29 pm

I LOVE this book! I want our book club to read it, but the library system here only has 1 or 2 copies of it. I love comparing it to my ward and Mormon life, in general, and I loved learning more about Kosher Judaism. Fascinating!

My shrimp salad? Too much internet/computer time comes to mind.
Sharlee
February 20th, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

“My shrimp salad? Too much internet/computer time comes to mind.”

Reply

Ouch! I think that’s the biggie for many of us.
jendoop
February 20th, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

This book is a great bookclub read. It may have been our largest bookclub turnout ever. So many parallels to Mormon life!

My shrimp salad? I hate conservative!! Hate Hate Hate. It’s a good thing I’m not a guy because the suit would kill me. I can mix it up with skirts and shirts of every shape and size (modest of course). Another reason it’s good I’m not a guy is because I’d get so sick of the same old short hair cut all the time, it’s great to mix it up and try new things. It’s a good thing I’m not in the running for any of the general women’s callings because if I had to wear a woman’s blazer to speak I think I’d gouge my eyes out with the microphone. I’m still thinking about getting a Henna tatoo, it would be easier to justify if I didn’t have a teenage daughter. Variety is the spice of life.

Ditto on the computer time.
Michelle L.
February 20th, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

OK, here’s one, and I hope I still have friends after admitting this: I resent God for certain things. Not the big trials, but small everyday grudges like “Why do I have to diet every #$&% day of my life when my friends can eat what they want?” Seriously, that’s a big one for me and I could get a lot closer to God if I would stop resenting my genetics.
Heather O.
February 20th, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

TV shows. We actually don’t have a TV, only one that is hooked up for DVD use, but with Netflix, Hulu, and other internet sites, I can pretty much watch whatever I want. I find myself obsessing over a show, and going through entire seasons in just weeks. Sad and pathetic. And not productive. ANd not very spiritual building–quite the opposite, really.

Although, just looking at what I wrote, I suppose it’s not really TV shows that I’m addicted to, but rather the internet. Now that’s really pathetic.
Julie P
February 20th, 2009 @ 1:42 pm

Oh, I love this post! Possibly my favorite ever on this blog. Possibly because that is one of my favorite-ever books, and possibly because the question hits a nerve. My shrimp salad? I am terrible at scripture study. I haven’t fasted since I stopped nursing in December. I haven’t gone to the temple in over a year, after having been a very regular attendee for the previous 7- 8 years since my own endowment.
Angela
February 20th, 2009 @ 2:02 pm

Certain rated R movies. (For example, has anyone seen _Slumdog Millionaire_?? Brilliant!). There are plenty of rated R movies I won’t see, but I don’t feel guilty about the ones I choose to see after thoughtful consideration. And I suppose the reason this would be a “shrimp salad” kind of thing is that even though, in my heart, I don’t feel one bit of guilt about seeing _Slumdog_, I feel a hint of trepidation for admitting it, like I should keep the revelation in the back of my metaphorical fridge. Which makes me feel like a hyporcrite and a poser, which makes me feel MUCH worse than being a rated-R movie watcher ever has. If that makes sense.

Not that I want this to turn into a “why it’s okay [or not okay] to watch rated-R movies” thing. I have nothing but respect for those who choose not to see rated R movies, ever. But I don’t have a lot of respect for myself about being so, I dunno, weirdly secretive about my own movie choices. So now it’s out there! Slumdog, Fargo, Grosse Point Blank, Jerry Maguire, Three Kings, Good Will Hunting, Out of Sight, There Will Be Blood, Mystic River, The Matrix (pt.1), Unforgiven, The Breakfast Club, Glory, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Crash, Frost/Nixon . . . I could go on, but these are all some of my favorite movies that I saw in the actual theater, NOT on TNT.
The truth will set you free . . . ??
Kristine
February 20th, 2009 @ 2:37 pm

hey! I am hosting this book for bookclub this month! so this is a great discussion question I will use. Thanks.

p.s. I’d say scripture time/internet time .. . .
Justine
February 20th, 2009 @ 2:47 pm

I spend too much time on the computer. And I’m terribly self-absorbed. I wonder if my parents spent a little too much time boosting my self-esteem when I was a child. I remember my mom owning one swimming suit for like 20 years, having sacrificed all those things she wanted for us kids. I would just never do that. And I sometimes feel really badly about that.
m&m
February 20th, 2009 @ 2:53 pm

I will put this book on my list.

I think too ‘puter time is one for me on many days.
Emily U
February 20th, 2009 @ 3:51 pm

What a great metaphor. I’m going to suggest this for book group.

I hate to admit it, but I buy things on Sunday, and don’t even feel racked with guilt about it. With afternoon church and my son refusing to nap in the morning at home, I drive around for at least an hour before church so the car will lull him to sleep. I’ve been seen at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through more than once.
Armanda Hammer
February 20th, 2009 @ 4:12 pm

I was going to say “flirting” but I’ll continue to keep that one in the back of the fridge.
CatherineWO
February 20th, 2009 @ 4:19 pm

It seems like for many of us (me included) our shrimp salad is really just a little thing that nags at us and sometimes becomes an obsession of guilt. Obsessive Computsive Disorder (OCD) is a strong genetic trait in my family and I see this a lot. For me, the obsessive guilt is often more destructive than the shrimp salad.

With that said, my shrimp salad has to be Sabbath observance. Because of my health, I am often unable to go to church. My husband is usually in church meetings most of the day, so I’m all alone and it’s easier to just turn on the television or surf the internet than do something worshipful. Like Michelle L, I think underneath it all I resent not being able to go to church, so I’m not willing to give God His due.

Interesting post. You’ve made me think–a good thing.
m&m
February 20th, 2009 @ 5:18 pm

For me, the obsessive guilt is often more destructive than the shrimp salad.

Thank you for saying this. I wasn’t sure how to approach that with one of my apparent shrimp salads — my late-night habits. This “habit” is a complex mixture of things…it’s not just choice – I have major brain chemical issues when it comes to sleep, and have had insomnia problems since childhood. I am in the middle of trying to find meds that can help. But nearly every night, or when someone talks about it in a casual way (“well, just go to bed earlier” — as though it’s just that simple), always lurking in the background is the doctrine about taking care of our bodies, etc. And it’s hard to discern how much I’m accountable for at this stage in the game.

For now, I am having to just let a lot of it go, and hope that maybe someday if I get the chemical issues taken care of, I can work on changing the habits. Not that I don’t care, but I try not to beat myself up.

There’s also a difference between guilt and shame, and I’m trying to figure out what is what with me. I think guilt can hurt, but drives me to the Lord and leaves me with hope that He can help cover me as I am working to progress. Shame leaves me hating myself and fearing God to the point that I am paralyzed and stuck.

And CatherineWO, my heart goes out to you. While I am able to get to later meetings, I understand health issues that affect your worship and it is all hard stuff, on many levels.
I know it's my fault
February 20th, 2009 @ 6:25 pm

When I get cross and loose my temper I swear. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. I am a terrible example to my children. I feel guilty and a hypocrite, and would die if everyone at church knew. There, I’ve said it.
Brenda
February 20th, 2009 @ 7:33 pm

I’m addicted to this ridiculous soap opera. Definitely not something that a good LDS girl should be filling her mind with. I keep thinking, “I’m going to stop watching this…as soon as this storyline finishes out…” And then I’m wrapped up in the next storyline. I swear I will stop watching…soon.
Asha
February 20th, 2009 @ 8:07 pm

jendoop, why is not being conservative shrimp salad? You said you are modest – so I don’t see why that is a vice in any way..I’m just curious. And wildly not conservative myself. I don’t see a conservative skirt suit as bringing me any closer to Heavenly Father.
Angela, I know what you mean about the R-rated movies. I completely respect those who don’t ever watch them. I personally just don’t let the MPAA make the call for me. There are plenty of PG13 movies I won’t watch, and I will watch an R-rated movie if I feel it is “of good report or praiseworthy.” (LOVED Slumdog Millionaire!) My shrimp salad used to be like yours – I hid it, but I’ve since cleaned that Tupperware out of my freezer and I feel so much better!
My shrimp salad now is mostly Sabbath observance and fasting. I’ve been breastfeeding and/or pregnant for 4 straight years, and during that time I’ve repeatedly made the resolution to find a way to at least keep the spirit of the fast by eating simply or something – and I haven’t brought myself to do it. For 4 years! And I often, way too often, watch or read everyday things when I could be so much more worshipful on the Sabbath. I often treat it like just another day.
What a great post! It brought me out of lurkdom.
m&m
February 20th, 2009 @ 8:28 pm

I’ve repeatedly made the resolution to find a way to at least keep the spirit of the fast by eating simply or something – and I haven’t brought myself to do it. For 4 years!

I go w/o sweets and treats as my “fast.”
lynnie
February 20th, 2009 @ 9:21 pm

My shrimp salad,and I too have many bowls to choose from, but the one I will fess up too is being too critical of some of my local church leaders. I’m trapped in feeling like I have been treated like crap and wondering what’s wrong with me that they can do this to me but seem to coddle and gush over other people. I need to let it go and quit worrying about it and yet every once in a while I will have the scab picked and I will think of that bowl of shrimp and it hurts all over again.

A few weeks ago I came across this CS Lewis quote – and when I started reading your essay I thought of it – I think Jocelyn shows a lot of strength in not partaking of her salad… here’s the quote..

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.”

I’m definitely reading this book!
Mrs. H-B
February 20th, 2009 @ 10:18 pm

There are a lot of things I do that I probably shouldn’t–watching certain R-rated movies, having a potty mouth and on and on–but I don’t really feel all that guilty about those.

The one I feel the most guilty about? (And rightly so.) I am a horrible visiting teacher. I have never even tried to visit teach since we got married and moved into our family ward. I feel so guilty about it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I fulfill my other callings, but this one is beyond me. The worst part? I was the VT supervisor in my singles’ branch.

Ugh. If I just did it, the guilt would go away. Perhaps I just enjoy beating myself up about something.
Lisa
February 20th, 2009 @ 11:42 pm

Don’t we all have a guilty pleasure? I just hope my neighbors will be generous when they peek in my fridge an see my “shrimp salad” I am reminded of the saying -
Lord, please help me to forgive those who sin differently than I
anonymous chicken
February 21st, 2009 @ 7:55 am

I hate visiting teaching.

I still do it (mostly) and I do pray about and grow to love the sisters I am assigned.
But still.
I hate he whole program.
I hate setting up the appointment,
and I even hate being visited.

And I saw Slumdog Millionaire last night.
(and loved it.)

(loved it.)
Dalene
February 21st, 2009 @ 8:21 am

What an interesting discussion. Thank you–please keep it coming.

I hope to have time later to come back and respond to specific comments, but when someone brought up the obsession w/ one’s guilt it reminded me of also contemplating as to whether it is the shrimp salad or the obsession over it (or, over her guilt over it) that affects Jocelyn the most.
Dalene
February 21st, 2009 @ 8:31 am

And anonymous chicken, thank you. Your comment is so relevant to another aspect of the book that really made me think. I’m not quite sure how to articulate it, but I guess it has to do with finding meaningfulness (and even joy) in our obedience–particularly with the parts that are difficult for us–and admitting that we don’t always and questioning how to achieve it.
anonymous chicken
February 21st, 2009 @ 9:44 am

Dalene:
Yes.
That’s exactly how I feel about VT.
It is a program of the church. I still hate it, but I am going to make the best of it and hopefully still receive some of the blessings in spite of my loathing attitude about it.

thanks.
Michelle L.
February 21st, 2009 @ 10:37 am

“Lord, please help me to forgive those who sin differently than I.” That’s a classic, Lisa.
jendoop
February 21st, 2009 @ 3:37 pm

Asha- I thought about why the conservative thing bugs me so much- why did I even consider it a shrimp salad? It has more to do with the fact that I’m taking BYU classes right now so I have to abide by those higher standards even though they are via internet and I’m thousands of miles away from campus. When I see General Conference I see their physical appearance as an example as much as what they say is our standard. There is alot said in the Ensign and For the Strength of Youth and etc. about conservative dress and grooming. It’s especially on my mind as I have a teenager and I want to encourage her creative side; and honestly my own as well. It comes from my in-laws and a few others that I serve closely with as well, I feel a bit nit-picked.

How’s that for a threadjack?

I also liked the whole idea about the guilt/anger at God about the temptation/sin as more of an issue than the actual sin itself.
A few weeks ago we had an 11 year old investigator in primary. She asked me what a “sin” was. That was an interesting sharing time.
cms
February 21st, 2009 @ 3:52 pm

This is an interesting post and I’ve added Ladies Auxiliary to my must read especially since I live in Memphis. So many of the shrimp salads mentioned here are things that we as women are NOT doing, but have been told to do. The whole idea of the shrimp salad to me is the opposite, thing we were told NOT to do, but do anyway. (like watching rated-R movies)and then hide from other faithful folks. So within those narrow parameters, I still on occasion take the Lord’s name in vain.
jen
February 21st, 2009 @ 4:12 pm

cms:
I guess that means our shrimp salad is really just a tupperware container full of the “mormon special”: guilt.
It is our shrimp salad because, for the time being, we have no intention of changing that thing we don’t do. We know maybe we shouldn’t feel this way or have these thoughts,
but we are still hanging on to it.
Kay
February 21st, 2009 @ 6:06 pm

I must get my hands on this book. And by the way, shrimp salad? I have a whole seafood platter on my table!!!!!!!! Where do I start?
Geo
February 22nd, 2009 @ 3:10 pm

I for one seem to have a fridge full of the ghosts of shrimp salads past.
Inner Reprimand
February 24th, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

My initial response to this question was that I couldn’t think of anything–which probably means I have so many that I’m in denial! I do feel like living with my husband has rooted out a lot of my shrimp salads, but he’s not perfect either and I think I’ve rooted out a lot of his too. It seems like each of our bad habits were the other’s strength, which has really helped me become better.

But just as I was puffing myself up with no problems, the Spirit pricked me in the behind with this one: I’m really critical of my siblings and family members. Even though we’re all grown up, I guess I have a hard time acting like it. It’s not that I hate them, I love them to death, but I have a hard time holding on to grudges, especially when they start the “you always” or “remember when you” games, and I keep fighting back even though it’s immature and stupid. Family get-togethers aren’t fiascoes or anything, but I leave feeling like I’ve been defensive and selfish when I should have been selfless, forgiving, and full of love.
Brooke
February 24th, 2009 @ 9:21 pm

i loved slumdog millionaire. and i tell everyone to see it– a shrimp salad worthy of partaking of? perhaps.
Tori
February 27th, 2009 @ 10:12 pm

Unfortunately, my shrimp salad is visible on my body. IT’s a general difficulty with self-control. More specifically with eating too much and too often and making wrong food choices (read: liking sweets too much)!
dalene
February 28th, 2009 @ 8:33 am

Thanks for all of your comments ladies–I appreciate the candor.
dalene
March 1st, 2009 @ 8:56 pm

p.s. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that we had this entire discussion without anyone saying “Diet Pepsi.”
Clarice
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:56 am

I’ll be honest! (Great post, by the way) And this IS Word of Wisdom related. I SO wish we could drink! I don’t know how many times after a frustrating day I think a nice drink would have made me feel better. Not that I would know for sure. (The only drink I ever had was a wine cooler I had in high school) I just think that sometimes I need an escape. Last time we were in Vegas, I SO would have gone to the cocktail bar and had a drink, but thanks to my ever patient DH, he somehow convinced me NOT to do it (without making me feel guilty at all, you know, the “Whatever you want to do” attitude DH’s can have which then make you rethink why you want to in the first place), even though I really WANTED to do it. Hey, first time in how long without the kids, why NOT try it? I won’t be going out and putting some wine in my pantry, because then the temptation would just be too great. It would make it a constant struggle to stay away from. You have to stay far away from temptations, so I’m curious how having that shrimp salad in her freezer helped her cope. Off to read the book, well, to add it to my TO READ list at least!

Oh, and I would drink coffee if I could too…but not SMOKE, lol!

As far as what I always feel guilty about, (I don’t really feel guilty about my feelings above, they just are what they are, and so far I have stayed away from those temptations) that would be a messy house. I can never quite keep it as clean as I wish I could, and I agonize and torture myself over it many, many times a day. I compare myself to others and think I am nothing for not being able to do better. I would just MUCH rather be doing something interesting like reading a book. And don’t get me started on how much I HATE to clean bathrooms, it physically makes me ILL!
dalene
March 2nd, 2009 @ 4:58 pm

Clarice–I want to hear what you (and other readers) think of the book after you read it. I’m always nervous when I recommend something that it won’t speak to others the way it speaks to me and they will hate it.

Oh and I feel exactly the same way about housework.