Turn the other cheek

Posted by Michelle L. | January 14, 2012 | 18 Comments

Elementary school can be a tough gig.

Early in September, my little Mary sobbed into my arms, “Alice told everyone not to play with me at recess. She says I’m mean.”

“And what did you do?” I asked, my mother heart constricting.

“I just walked away,” little Mary replied, “and found some friends who like me.”

Hugging my little sprite, I told her, “Walk away every time. No matter what Alice says, don’t get mad, because then you’ll turn into a mean girl.”

Now, I know my Mary isn’t perfect. I’ve seen her boss her friends while playing tea party or fight about who get to wear the favorite princess dress, but in general she makes friends easily and is adored to an almost obnoxious degree by her school and primary teachers.

As an adult, it’s easy to see the wisdom of turning the other cheek on the playground. If Mary responds to Alice’s taunts, she validates the accusations. Walking away is the wisest recourse. Over the past months I’ve asked Mary often about the ‘Alice situation.’ Mary continues to keep her resolve and ignore the taunts. And I’ve seen in Mary a new sweetness and increased compassion as she’s comforted other girls on the playground and beyond.

Observing Mary has given me a renewed understanding of our Saviour’s advice to “whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” I once believed it was for the other person (and wondered why they could get away with doing whatever they want); I now understand Christ wants me to turn away for my sake– so that I don’t turn into that mean girl.

Alice will grow up or move away, she won’t be part of Mary’s life forever, but Mary’s character and disposition is formed every moment, by every choice she makes. I too, want to form a Christlike disposition with every choice, every moment.

Please know, I am not saying this lightly, I have been hurt (and will continue to be hurt until he dies) by someone who should have protected me. No letter I write, no three hour phone call, no ranting and raving will change his behavior- I can only change mine. Reacting to his abuses will only canker my soul.

I believe in Christ. I believe God will set things right in His time.

And oh how I await that glorious resurrection day.

Have you been strengthened by turning the other cheek?

Have you worried that someone’s abuses might destroy your soul?

Does your heart break when your children come home in tears (silly question!)?

Comments

18 Responses to “Turn the other cheek”

Ginger
January 14th, 2012 @ 11:27 am

Without going into the painful details of my own family’s experience of being severely mistreated (by someone in our ward, no less,) I will say that my testimony of Christ, and the Atonement, was greatly strengthened and shored up. I did not want to forgive the couple who wronged us, but I came to realize that I must. And when I relied on Christ, and only Christ, I was able to (granted it took many, many, months.) It is amazing how the Atonement can do that for us.
Something else that I thought about during our ordeal was part of your last thought, where you say that you believe God will set things right at the last day. And although I believe that what this couple did to us is worse than anything I have done, I was filled with a sense of gratefulness at the MERCY portion of the Atonement, because if there was only justice, I would have much torment coming my way. None of us is perfect, and I am so grateful for the Atonement and the mercy that God shows us through the gift of our elder brother.
Grandma Honey
January 14th, 2012 @ 12:02 pm

“so that I don’t turn into that mean girl”….I have never quite thought of it that way.
Thank you!
Nancy R
January 14th, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

In the last few years I had to walk away from a close relationship with a family member. They were causing me a lot of pain (and had been all my life) and it was getting to be unbearable. One of the reasons I felt I had to walk away was because I didn’t think I would be able to forgive them anymore, not when he continually hurt me. Walking away wasn’t, from my point of view, a hostile act. I’ve finally come to a place of peace with my decision to walk away and it is a strength. I know that I can protect myself from the bullies in my life. In some situations, there are no perfect options and walking away is the best one.
Tasha M
January 14th, 2012 @ 1:00 pm

This is beautiful, Michelle. My heart still breaks for your family and the tragedy that has happened. I don’t know if I could handle the pain you’ve gone through.

I hope that I can learn to truly forgive the much smaller offenses in my life. I know that if you can do it, I can too.
she-bop
January 14th, 2012 @ 2:28 pm

This is beautiful. Thank you, I wish we could all just get along. I wish there were no mean girls. I wish people would grow out of it. I wish, I wish, I wish.

But reality is harsh. I had someone REALLY hurt me a few months ago. I still struggle with what happened. It hurt my heart. I went to the temple and begged to know what to do. The answer that kept going through my mind and still comforts me was this, “She is my daughter, I will take care of her, just let it go”. The Lord has calmed my troubled heart. I am not so mad. I am still sad about it, but I have realized there is nothing I can do. I just need to let it go.

Life is hard. I am soooooo grateful for the gospel, it gives me hope.
A
January 14th, 2012 @ 7:17 pm

I love this. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for helping me see how turning the other cheek keeps us doing right and staying nice.

I have learned, also that holding onto the hurts of those that offend us really is the greater sin. Those hurt feelings made me so miserable. What a blessing the Atonement is! The Lord has healed me and continues to heal me as I keep using the gift of the Atonement in my life.
Stacey Valderama
January 14th, 2012 @ 7:43 pm

“And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold; but he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.” (Matthew 24:12-13)

It is incumbent upon us to not allow the abundance of iniquity in this world to destroy our love for our fellow beings.
FoxyJ
January 14th, 2012 @ 8:36 pm

I remember reading an essay a few years ago about war and violence, and the writer’s main point was that the real problem with war is what it does to the psyche of those involved. In the eternal scheme of things, it is much worse to be the inflicter of violence than the victim (and in his opinion there were very few cases, if any, when war was really justfied). I know it seems a far stretch between war and playground slights, but I’m not sure it is as far as we think it is.

Turning the other cheek is hard because we often think it gives the other person power over us, but in truth it does not. When I was going through a difficult time with someone who hurt me deeply, a wise person counseled “your love and forgiveness are the only gospel message they may see, and they may be the only bit of the Spirit they let into their lives”. That has stuck with me; it’s true, my life has not been easy and sometimes it seems like others are getting away unpunished, but when I turn away from them and look to myself, I can see all that God has blessed me with.
FoxyJ
January 14th, 2012 @ 8:37 pm

I was going to add that my heart does break when my children come home hurt or offended, but it breaks even more when they hurt other people (especially their own siblings). I think you gave your daughter wise counsel and I am trying to teach my children the same lessons. They aren’t easy ones to learn.
Michelle
January 15th, 2012 @ 12:43 am

This makes my heart both hurt and rejoice at the same time. I’m so sorry for your pain, but resonate with the truths you have captured here. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Shelly
January 15th, 2012 @ 3:31 am

“Forgive them for they know not what they do..”
I love your words and I find comfort in them. I am so very sorry for the what you have do to endure and so glad you walked away. Sometimes we just have to walk away to end it all. Which is okay to do. I have learned it is okay to not have certain people in my life even though I have forgiven them. I will not let them hurt me again and sometimes it comes with severing ties.
Melissa dalton-bradford
January 15th, 2012 @ 5:26 am

Michelle,

Thank you for your frankness and willingness to take us vicariously through this process. One day—if not in this life, in another one?—there’s got to be the possibility of understanding.

Two things I am convinced of thanks to direct, personal experience: 1) the family is, more often than we can bear to acknowledge, the toughest playground with the hardest asphalt top and the most complicated game rules.

And 2), Relationships are what bring us to Christ.
Anne Marie
January 15th, 2012 @ 9:49 am

Thank you for your thoughts here. I am very sorry for all the pain someone has caused you.

I just wanted to throw out one more thought. When I was young, my mom ran away for several days. At the time, we weren’t sure if she was ever coming back. Obviously, this was a traumatic experience for me and my siblings. It is only years later that I can even understand her behavior at all. She had some serious mental health issues which were left untreated, she had no social/outside support at the time, and she was dealing with some extremely stressful events. She just kind of imploded and fled the scene. So, when I look back at the event, I’ve developed compassion for her and compassion for the children she ran from (including myself).

I don’t know why people do stupid/crazy/mean things. There are times when people truly do “choose” evil, but I think there are many, many times when people are in so much pain themselves they can’t see straight. Only God can judge our hearts and know how free we actually were to choose kindness. So, it makes it a little easier for me to forgive and to move past others’ stupid actions when I realize that I do not know their hearts and their minds. And, I absolutely agree with Shelly that there are definitely times to sever ties with people who continue to hurt or abuse us.
Anne Marie
January 15th, 2012 @ 11:42 am

One last footnote to my comment….when my children have had experiences with children exhibiting mean/strange/out of control behavior, I have often tried to remind them that often when kids do these kinds of things, they are having a hard time with something in their lives. It doesn’t mean that I tell them to be best friends with someone like that, just that they need to be gentle with other human beings, including this unlikeable one.
Carina
January 16th, 2012 @ 4:17 am

It is so much easier to forgive the people who hurt me, than to forgive those who hurt the people I love.
Sarita
January 16th, 2012 @ 7:52 am

Once while I was preparing for a talk, that people generally spend inordinate amounts of time trying to change others when all they should really be concerned about is changing themselves. It’s advice I’ve obviously forgotten about as I’ve let myself get away with being offended by things friends/family members have said/done. But I’ve also found that when I encounter situations like these,asking myself this question–”How would the Savior handle this?” or WWJD?–it suddenly puts things in perspective and clearly shows me that I have to just worry about me.

For more serious matters, I think it was President Faust who gave a talk about forgiveness in which he addressed those who’ve been victims of abuse–forgiving those who’ve hurt them is a must, but forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to keep associating with them in any way.

Thanks for sharing!
Melanee
January 16th, 2012 @ 11:24 pm

This is not a simple conversation, but it strikes at the very heart of the atonement, which makes your questions, and sweet little Mary’s playground experience, so ever-present and provoking.

Sometimes we equate turning the other cheek with not speaking up. I have experienced the peace and wisdom of waiting with my words, and then feeling the energy dissipate as time passes.

I have also come to believe that there are times we are called to speak up and out for our own dignity, and for the dignity of the other person.

I am grateful for the 1000 times I have let it all go. But there have been times I’ve been called upon to speak out, even as a child. For my own dignity, and for the other too, I am grateful I chose that course. It is because of this that I believe we can simultaneously turn the other cheek while speaking out. In the end, most of all, it’s about the intent of the heart.

What a joy it is to be here with you all, seeking His truth. Thank-you for sharing your beautiful hearts here.
Catherine A.
January 24th, 2012 @ 12:19 am

Michelle, I’m just reading this. It is wise, and sound, and beautiful. I love that the Mother (you) can teach her daughter what is right because she knows the choice one has to make, with each hurt, each sorrow, each wound. I love you for your goodness.