Next to Godliness

Posted by Michelle L. | May 15, 2009 | 50 Comments

Becky’s house is immaculate. Not just clean, but a place of wonder. There is no junk, no clutter; dust and crumbs are whisked away before they hit the floor or an unsuspecting tabletop.

Her four children are all well-trained to hang up backpacks, jackets, towels; to stow away shoes and dirty laundry; to eat without spilling and to rinse the dish and place it in the dishwasher. They’re not repressed. Cookie baking and art projects are also part of their weekly routine, but without the flour explosions and paint spills that inevitably happen at my house.

Last week, my friend Cindy’s husband went to Becky’s house to help move a piece of furniture. Like most mortals, he was awed by the cleanliness and peace in their home. Returning home, he gushed to Cindy about the perfect order, the obedient children, “Maybe you could start with just one room at a time and make our house like that too?” he suggested.

Cindy listened; she stewed; and then replied, “You might as well come home and say, ‘Becky has a really hot body(which she totally does); maybe if you work really hard and put in some extra effort you could look like that too.’”

Yeah, that’s about right.

Few topics cut right to a woman’s soul like her housekeeping abilities. I’m one to claim, “Cleanliness is overrated.” or “We live here; it’s not a museum.” But I still don’t want you peeking in my closet and I cringe when neighbor kids open my fridge and cry, “Ooh, this is a mess.”

Admittedly, my house was a lot cleaner when I had four kids, but I can’t blame my children for my disorganized desk or proclivity for losing keys and cell phones. I’m just easily distracted; there’s always something more interesting to do than dust my bookshelves.

My children do chores. They clean the bathroom and wash the dishes and vacuum the hallways. But I rarely check their work and a definitely don’t redo it as so many women do. And somehow, I would feel like a better mother, a better person if they respected me enough to hang up their backpacks and to throw their socks in the hamper instead of on the kitchen floor(five boys, two socks every day, no way to distinguish them, no wonder I’m going insane).

As women we receive mixed messages. Shall I listen to:

Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;…”

For me, it’s a compromise. I happily put in two hours into housecleaning each day, but I refuse to do the eight hours it would take to keep this place perfectly organized. And I think some of Becky’s organizational skills are a genetic gift(much like her oh-so-toned body). A gift that I admire but don’t need to duplicate in my own life.

What about you? Does your housekeeping give you angst? Do you equate exemplary womanhood with a tidy kitchen? Do you feel judged by your clean or messy surroundings? And how does your level of cleanliness affect your relationships with your roommates, your spouse, your children?

Comments

50 Responses to “Next to Godliness”

Heidi T.
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:11 am

I’m a mix. I go for a while where I let things go and then kind of have a cleaning panic attack where I rally the troops and start my drill seargent routine. Basically I aim for doing the best I can, but I also don’t think that cleaning non-stop falls under the “nurturer” title.
Seanette
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:14 am

Organized I’m not (having a packrat spouse, packrat tendencies of my own, and a small apartment really don’t help), and yes, I do tend to feel like I’m not measuring up as an LDS woman. I’m currently home full-time and do not have children (do have a cat and a bird), also tend to have energy/motivation challenges.
JM
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:24 am

I have three boys who are still in the early stages of learning to clean up after themselves. My house gets messy and it bugs me. BUT, it doesn’t bug me because I feel like I’m not living up to something. It just bugs ME.

I think we misinterpret D&C 88:119 (I can’t cite scripture on demand, I only know it because it was our FHE this week). I think establishing a house of… order, a house of God isn’t about everything being perfect. I think the order being referred to is the order of our priorities and adjusting our lives so that everything we have to do fits us and what we need.

I need to have a clean house. I couldn’t do it with the amount of stuff we had accumulated over the years. Using my kitchen as an example: I felt like I spent the entire day in the kitchen cleaning. I went through and ruthlessly got rid of everything that I don’t use frequently. Specialty things found a new home in empty space that was opened up by the clean out. Overnight I went from overwhelmed by my messy kitchen to spending a few minutes a day getting it back in order.

I know that I, for one, am getting in my own way. I am currently ruthlessly eliminating the extras from the rest of the house. And my life. Time with the family and time for myself is more important than cleaning all day. So I am going to streamline the home to the point that I can have both. That’s how I interpret a house of order. Oh, also, keep the lights low and no one will ever see the dust.
Tiffany W.
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:29 am

I used to have a perfectly immaculate home. We had a tiny apartment–about 700 square feet. It was organized and clean. But I was killing myself cleaning it ALL the time. I wasn’t spending time with my children. I would yell at them for spilling food on the floor. I would sweep obsessively. Then I went the other way and didn’t clean at all. The house was gross. And that killed me too. I wasn’t spending time with my kids and I yelled at them the same. Right now, I think I have a nice balance. We keep the house fairly clean and organized. I refuse to do any cleaning (unless the kids get sick) after 6 p.m. I have a schedule and just keep up with things. We’re all a lot happier in my family. My kids are happier. We spend more time together and life is a lot better.
dalene
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:57 am

Just last night I was sitting in someone’s immaculate living room and feeling horribly inadequate (while, admittedly, enjoying the peace I felt in their home). I came home to a living room I had cleaned just that morning but which was by then strewn with math books and spelling homework and an assortment of baseball and softball cleats that had eagerly been removed after assorted practices.

*sigh*

Yet I know someday–and not as far off as I’d like–my house will get cleaned in the morning and stay clean all day because it will be an empty nest. It will be too clean and too quiet and I fear I will have nothing left to do.

As for the scripture–I used to beat myself up over it until we were reading it recently in Sunday School and I realized the context–it was given about the temple. I realize attaining that sort of perfection is a worthy and good goal, but I also reminded myself that you have to have a recommend to get into the temple. I do want my home to be a refuge from the storm and a bit of heaven on earth and I know the things I need to keep working on, but my house is not expected to be as pristine and perfect as the temple (they have a cleaning staff and a huge laundry room and little people and husbands who don’t like to be nagged don’t live there).

I’m trying to keep doing better and keep my eye on the goal w/o beating myself up over the many ways I fall short. That’s just where I am right now.
Giggles
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:11 am

It’s not an either/or for me. When my house is clean and organized my brain functions better (clear surroundings=clear head). When things are unorganized or dirty I’m a lot more irritable. But I also do not spend my entire life cleaning.

I’ve never felt that scripture was some unattainable goal. It’s actually one of my favorites. That scripture for me does not mean there isn’t something growing in the back of the fridge (there is) or that there isn’t dust on the bookshelf (there is). It’s something much bigger and deeper than just being clean.

For me, I’ve accomplished that scripture if someone can walk into my home and feel the Spirit and feel at home and peace.
Jane
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:14 am

Wow — happily put in 2 hours? Either I seriously underestimate, or — no wonder my house is often a wreck!

I am devoted to Penelope Trunk’s blog, even though she is about as opposite to me in every way as I can think of. She had this post recently: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/05/11/three-times-you-should-lie-at-work/ that talked about research that shows that people who have messy offices are perceived as incompetent, overwhelmed by their workload, not conscientious, and not thinking clearly.

This is “just” people’s perception, but explains my husband coming home from Scouts waxing eloquent about Char’s perfect house. (She has a perfect body too, btw, and only one small baby so far).

I think a woman’s house is very much considered her “office” however fairly or not.

Research also shows that people are nicer and better versions of themselves in environments that are neat and clean.

So I think cleanliness and order are definitely good goals. I need to stop almost priding myself on being too engaged in more important things (reading, writing) to keep a “clean enough” house. Lately I’ve been trying to do more cleaning/organizing while the kids are awake — getting them to work alongside me, so that I kind of combine my “play with the children” time with my “housekeeping” time. The kids are young enough that if I make it a fun, they enjoy themselves, and hopefully they’re learning something along the way . . .
Jenny
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:15 am

ACK!
To everything there is a season.
And some seasons are SHORT. Like minutes-long.
Some days have longer cleaning seasons than others, and I fight off the guilt with sword and shield (BACK!) and try to enjoy my life. My kids. My husband. And feel grateful that even though my cupboards are a disaster, at least I have cupboards that you can’t see through, and I can shut the mess away if I need to. I’m striving every day to be more like ‘Becky.’ I call my sister-in-law regularly and plead with her to come and work her mad organizational skillz in my home. I’m progressing, and recognize it. Appreciated your reference to the husband and his awe over other, immaculate homes. We are all on the ladder, and thankfully, we’re not all sharing the same rung. So pat yourself on the back. Or I’ll pat your back, if you’ll pat mine.
Dovie
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:18 am

I remember spending some time in an envy place about this gift and others I was lacking. I had spend way too much time there. In reflection a covetous amount of time. As all this was brewing in my brain I went into Relief Society. All the sisters were before me like always but suddenly I saw them with new eyes. This is going to sound weird but I was made aware of the gifts they lacked. Some in a specific way others in a more general fashion. My heart was opened to their wanting in a compassionate way. Then words penetrated deep into my heart and mind. “You can’t have all the gifts, that is the way it is supposed to be.” Then followed deep gratitude for the things that I had been given.

I believe that domestic goddess skills are a gift just as much as the masterful artist, the gifted musician, the healing touch, the poets tongue, the culinary genius, the compassionate heart, the unwavering faith. I think that we all are capable of increase in any of these areas that we desire but some things are just going to be gifts for some people. They will be able to make of those materials things that defy our understanding, while all I am able to master is a few plunky keys. I can rejoice in their gifts and be blessed by, borrow, cultivate or discover a little of them in myself, but I can not have them all.

I am a terrible house keeper sometimes it bothers me and sometimes not. Lots less not now than it use to. I have a high tolerance for chaos. It is a blessing and a curse (if I let it be). I do try and have made great strides but am so far short of the ideal. I had a friend once say to me “I love to come over to your house because it makes me feel so much better about my domestic skills.” That was a little bit of a bitter pill that has turned to sweet. At first it really stung but then I took it in light of where she was coming from. In the beginning of her marriage her husband was very critical of her housekeeping abilities and she equated on some level her worth in relation to those skills or lack thereof. I knew she loved me and recognized appreciated the good gifts in me. What she was really saying was “I can’t have all the gifts, that is the way it is supposed to be. I’m glad for the ones I’ve got, thanks for helping me remember that.”

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;…” The scripture speaks to me not so much of order in surrounding but order as in priorities. I know that a tidy well ordered home contributes to that so that is why I keep plunking away at it but it is not the whole package. The list starts with prayer, fasting, faith, learning, glory and last on the list is order. If you order it correctly it will be a house of God. I have come to believe it is a blessing to have resources and talents equal to all of good things we are commanded to do but I think greater refinement comes when we are NOT blessed with the resources equal to all of the good things we need to be about. We have the opportunity to exercise faith and discernment. We must learn to rely on the arm of the Lord when we do not have all the gifts. “Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.” If I had all the computer gifts I would know how to emphasize “…for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.” with bold or italics or something… I am grateful to at least know how to type.

I remember a story someone told of a comment a member of my Stake Presidency told to a group of women that were planning YW’s camp. “The capacity and ability in this room is astounding I am humbled by it, my only fear is that you will not seek the Lord in this endeavor because of your great talent. Seek the Lord. Rely on the Lord. Let Him direct your path.”

Short answer: I am not a good house keeper, I am doing better. I try not to feel bad about this. I admire women who are either by gift or great effort or both. I rejoice for them and with them. I have other gifts that I am very grateful for I know that the Lord is mindful of me and the things he has and hasn’t given me. I know that I can’t have all the gifts, that is the way it is supposed to be. Despite the things I lack, I know in the Lord my joy can be full.
Angela
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:28 am

My good friend Darlene (and Segullah’s own poetry editor) said something about house cleaning that has stuck with me ever since: “I keep my house clean enough to give me joy.”

We all have different levels of clean we require to function well in our day to day lives. I think most of us can acknowledge that a certain level of cleanliness and organization are necessary to feel good–too much clutter and gunk in my house can’t help but seep into me emotionally. But (luckily??) I don’t get too worked up over dusty blinds, or my kids’ messy closets. If I felt I had to live up to the expectation of my blinds being forever dust-free and the closets always perfectly neat, that would also cut into my joy (and seriously reduce the amount of time I could spend doing other things that also give me joy).

I also understand, though, that some women just can’t have joy if there’s dust on the blinds. They get a great deal of happiness over having a sparkling clean house, and so instead of silently judging them in the way that we less-than-perfect housekeepers sometimes do (“Oh, she must be totally neurotic! Oh, she must be a bear to live with!”) I need to give them credit for living in a way that brings them joy, too. Unless they really are unhappy and burdened by the whole thing and simply living up to some external perceived expectation–then they can come over to my house and look at my downstairs playroom, and feel better about themselves, and go to lunch with me.

But I am glad that I don’t *need* to have a spotless house, so I can have time to leave really long rambly blog responses . . .
dalene
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:29 am

I love your comment Dovie–you just made me feel a whole lot better about my particular gifts and my imperfect life.
jendoop
May 15th, 2009 @ 8:55 am

Great comments!

I just came back from a getaway with DH, nothing like being away for a few days to give you a fresh perspective on your home. This time it wasn’t too shocking because Grandma kept things together while we were away. But I saw a few things I wanted to change when I returned.

That said, this morning my mom and I were talking and I told her how I could spend all my time on home and family but that I MUST set aside time for my college classes each day. Because of that priority a high level of cleanliness just isn’t attainable in this season of my life. The rest of the family pitches in more, we’re more of a team, but our home isn’t what I’d like. Cleanliness does calm my brain and make me feel at peace. I don’t look around feeling like I should be cleaning instead of relaxing.

We must have an eternal perspective – it is all temporal. People are more important than things. I’d rather spend 30 minutes playing Apples to Apples with my kids than wiping down baseboards.
Emily U
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:16 am

When my son was born my mother in law gave me that “babies don’t keep” quote, and it causes me so much guilt that I can’t stand to read it. I do not care about cobwebs and dust, but if I rocked my baby all day I’d starve and live in a pig sty. I wish someone would cross-stitch something for me that said “You work hard and do your best. Good job” instead of giving me advice.
cindy baldwin
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:17 am

What a timely topic for me!

I am newly married, no kids. In a perfect world, my apartment would be neat and orderly all the time. Sometimes it is. Though I don’t really reach obsessive compulsive, I thrive much better in a place that is clean.

Right now, my house is a disaster. It has been all month. I struggle with a lot of chronic health issues, and I simply have not had the time or the stamina to clean it. My wonderful husband has made sure that we have clean dishes, but that’s really the majority of what’s gotten done.

Last week I was stewing about this all afternoon one day, thinking about all the things I really needed to get done. Suddenly I realized: the house will keep. Organizing the closet will keep. De-cluttering will keep. My health, and my life, will not. I have to be able to put my health first sometimes, even to the detriment of my orderly home.

It does kill me when people come over for whatever reason to my messy apartment. But there are worse things, right? And one day, it will be clean. Right now, it’s not the highest priority.
Jennie
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:20 am

When everything is prefect I get super upset about everyone messing it up. I yell at the kids to put things away “right this second!!!” I basically don’t like myself when the cleaning bug has bitten me hard.

It doesn’t say anywhere in the scriptures to keep your house clean. (A house of order can mean anything, honestly) And I believe there is a reason for that: It’s not that big of a deal. If it makes you happy, great. Knock yourself out. But Martha got in trouble for spending too much time working in the kitchen and not listening to the Savior. Not that we shouldn’t clean our houses, but it is kind of interesting that Martha was wasting her time doing busywork that wasn’t all that important.

I’m tidy enough, but I would rather do anything else than clean. I wish I cared more, but I don’t. I have a friend who is super clean, a fun Mom and very thin. When I look at her (and any other person who seems to have it together) I just think, “well, she’s probably really bad in bed.” And that makes me feel better. (nice!)
Sue
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:25 am

I’ve always needed my house to be hygienic, and I have preferred for it to be straightened up as well, but in my child-rearing years, the “straightened-up” part was negotiable depending upon the day. Every Saturday, I rounded the kids up and we would deep-clean, so for one day (one morning?) the entire house looked great.

Now none of my children live at home. At first, I missed them terribly…but even in the gloom of my initial empty-nest adjustment, I couldn’t help but glory a bit in the cleanliness of my house.

And now, I’m totally addicted to it!

But when the kids were with me, I was much more casual about it all.

=)
clean freak
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:27 am

I’m a clean freak like Becky. I feel like if my space is clean and orderly, my peace of mind follows. It’s not something I have to try to do or think about, it’s just something I do. I’m not trying to be perfect, I just constantly pick things up. It’s not an 8 hour a day job. It’s maybe a 1-2 hour a day job, split up over the course of the day. I’ve found that if I’m always picking things up as I move through my house, it stays clean.

Keeping my house immaculate is not a statement about the way anyone else keeps her house. It’s just my way. And I like it that way.

I have a house of order. And we still have lots of fun in it. We bake. We play games. We do art projects and crafts. We LIVE in it. And you can look in my closet any time you want. I don’t see why a clean house can’t be a cozy home as well.

So enough of the “Monica from friends” jokes!
mmiles
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:45 am

And how does your level of cleanliness affect your relationships with your roommates, your spouse, your children?

I’m not sure this is a fair question. My husband is just as free as I am in the evenings if he want to do extra cleaning. The question above puts it all on the mother. That is completely unfair. Some kids will be less tidy regardless of “training”. Some kids will be really neat and tidy, regardless of training.
We could pose similar questions like, How does my children’s level of cleanliness affect their relationship with me? or How does my husband’s level of cleanliness affect his relationship with me. I think if we pose the questions this way it may be easier to see that even if I was a super clean and tidy person, and I choose to freak out about socks on the floor (which I do sometimes), that’s not going to help our relationship. Probably I have the problem if it’s about socks–and it’s not really about cleanliness then, either.
mmiles
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:47 am

Oh, and ditto to JM. That scripture has absolutely nothing to do with housework.
Kay
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:50 am

‘Monica from Friends’, that’s me!!!!!!! I love clean. I love tidy. I thrive on it as it makes me feel more in control.

Mess drives me insane, although I do allow my children as much mess as they like in their bedrooms, and the same goes for my husband in his homeoffice. In their own personal space they can do what they like. I hint every now and again to pick thngs up and put them away but that is it. In the rest of the house what I want goes. The majority of home is tidy and organised to help us all live calm, organised lives(what a joke). I actually love to tidy thngs up. I find great joy in tidying out cupboards and wardrobes. Does that make me sound odd?

One thing that hurts though. I once asked my husband while we were watching the show which Friends character he would have liked to have married. He answered Phoebe because she is such fun, charming!
Melissa M.
May 15th, 2009 @ 10:15 am

Kay, I think you and I are kindred spirits. I revel in my clean house. I enjoy organizing my closets and drawers. I can’t go to bed unless everything is picked up and tidy, and I don’t leave the house in the morning until the dishes are done and the beds are made. I love hearing my washer and dryer humming during the day and I actually enjoy doing laundry (and I feel sheepish admitting that). We have a clean, orderly house, but I know I sometimes drive my husband crazy with my OCD ways. I’ve always felt guilty when I hear the Mary and Martha story, because I make Martha look like a slacker. True story: during the last General Conference, while my husband and children were watching Conference, taking notes, I was in the kitchen (listening to Conference, but not as focused as I should have been) wiping off counters and doing the dishes (yes, I know, I should have left the work until later and made everyone help). I realized, later, that I had neglected the “better part.” I know I need to temper my Martha ways. But, I’ve also come to accept that having a clean, picked up house makes me happy. So I’m still working on finding that balance.
jenny
May 15th, 2009 @ 10:37 am

(I always feel a little sorry for Martha. Maybe if Mary would’ve helped out a little, they could have sat down together.)

My house is “clean enough” –mostly.

And that “clean enough” definition changes on a daily basis. I feel like maybe I’m the crazy one because I don’t sit in one camp or the other (clean/cluttered) I wander freely from one to the other. I can identify with the “loves laundry” person. I don’t love it, but I do like to do it a particular way, so I don’t ever ask for help on that. (I like to fold warm laundry. Won’t even touch it if it’s cold–too many wrinkles. I’ll just re-spin it all day! jk, sort of. ) I can identify with Jennie, when the clean bug bites me hard, I bite back at my children more (but I am at least aware of this and try really hard not to!!) And I can identify with everyone who’s said that a clean house makes them feel calm and peaceful. See, cuh-ra-zy.
One thing I never do is equate my righteousness with the way I keep my house. Goodness. I have plenty of other things to do that with.
Lindsay1138
May 15th, 2009 @ 10:47 am

I try to keep my house clean enough that I can stand to be in it. Is it spotless? No. But it’s not a health hazard either. And I have found a good portion of my time is spent in the futile attempt to teach my daughter to pick up after herself. Some days the house is cleaner than others, but I haven’t had a reason to cringe at an unexpected drop in.

I have discovered I’m happier and have more energy when the house is neater.
Justine
May 15th, 2009 @ 11:05 am

I can’t stand to be in the house for long if it’s messy. It’s certainly not museum worthy, but I’m just neurotic enough to need to clean if things get cluttered.

For me personally, I can’t break through the clutter and feel peaceful and feel the Spirit if the house is a trainwreck. I know we’re all very different, though. That’s just the way it needs to be for me. I’m kind of type A that way.
Sue
May 15th, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

My attitude is to basically keep things clean and somewhat put together, but I don’t make it a battleground – for me or for the kids. The kids all have chores, and there are certain tasks that my husband and I make sure get done every day, and then Saturday is for major cleaning. I try not to sweat it when things are a mess.

I like the IDEA of a spotless house, but I know that trying to maintain that for more than a day or so – for me personally – would become an exercise in OCD uptightness and constant moodiness. To me it’s not worth it.
Sue
May 15th, 2009 @ 12:10 pm

Ooops, hit submit too soon…

There was a period of about a month when I was trying this whole ‘keep your house spotless’ deal, and I was a wreck. “There’s a sock on the floor! Whose sock is this? Somebody get this sock!” One thing would be out of place and I’d be freaking out all over the place. Good times.
Miller
May 15th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

There are some excellent and insightful responses to this post, which I find interesting, because to me, cleanliness has nothing to do with godliness. It is sort of like talking about our fingernails. Some of us like to paint them, some of us like to keep them short, some of us bite them to the quick … is there a wrong answer?

This is a culture question. There is a culture in our church of judging women by their ability to keep a clean house and every ward has different standards for what that means. If you want to “win” at being a mormon homemaker, you have to play the how clean is my house game.

Stop devoting brain cells to thinking about this. Don’t ever even think about what someone else’s house looks like dirty or clean.

And a big AMEN to those who said that if you use “a house of order” to talk about your actual house and its level of cleanliness you are misusing the scripture. We have to be more careful about using scriptures out of context or we end up with admonitions to regularly partake in Almond Joys because, you know men are that they might have joy.
Morgan
May 15th, 2009 @ 1:17 pm

I hate clutter….and I have it at times in my house more often than I prefer. We have a high counter in my kitchen that somehow accumulates junk mail, school papers, and receipts. I hate every bit of it and am cleaning it off all the time. With that said, I am in no way a perfect housekeeper. However, I do find clutter in other peoples home distracting and I find myself wanting to organize for them. I think homes that are less cluttered and tidy are a lot more inviting for others to feel welcome and for the spirit to be there.

I only have 2 children, I don’t feel like I have an army yet to take care of. However I do know that only a few minutes a day of tidying up the kitchen and living room, it goes a long way.

A funny thing my 4 year old daughter says when I make a big deal to them about cleaning up their toys and bedroom is “Who is coming over?” I have to remind her that we like to keep the house clean for ourselves but that quesiton always makes me laugh!
kristine
May 15th, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

i think the scripture *kind of* has to do with your house/organization. Not spotless wise, but is there order in your home sort of thing. I think there is a reason the temple is spotless and you feel peace there.

That being said, I have a 2 & 3 year old and have to sweep 3-6 times a day just to avoid tracking bfast, lunch, & dinner into the rest of the house. My main goal every day is to have the kitchen clean because I feel good when my kitchen is clean. The rest you can take it or leave it. Oh, I need my front room clean, too. Then the whole house feels clean, even if it isn’t
Michelle L.
May 15th, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

ooh, I love your responses. And we’ve had some fantastic advice here– to clean just enough to feel joy and to recognize that some people have a talent for it.

I hope no one read any disdain for “Becky” in my original post. She truly is fantastic and balances her life beautifully.

mmiles– I’m so glad you picked up on that question(I always try to put something a little ridiculous in my posts). Why does so much of the pressure to train children and keep a tidy house fall on the mother? ‘Cause like it or not, it does. I do have friends whose husbands are more concerned with cleanliness than they are but I think that’s rare.

Oh, and sadly, with 6 kids and a sprawling house that all the neighbor kids run in and out of, my two hours a day is merely a drop in the bucket. If you come by at 3 p.m. you’ll think I’m a neat freak; if you come at 4, you’ll swear I’m a slob.
she-bop
May 15th, 2009 @ 2:16 pm

I love a clean house. But it seems that I can’t seem to get it. Life Happens.

My house is clean when I have parties, and I do a great job at hiding the evidence of my mess. Just don’t open the closets, or look in the oven. One time we had a party and I didn’t have time to do all the dishes, so I took all the dirty pots and pans, and rubbermaid stuff that I didn’t have time to clean, and put it in the oven. My friend came with some food that just needed to keep warm in the oven. She turned on the oven to preheat and a little later we smelled something awful. Let’s just say, rubbermaid products melt! Stinky house, my secret was out…oh well, the party was still fun. Another time during a big extended family party I hid dirty dishes in the bathtub and closed the shower curtain – duh, I had learned my lesson from the oven – and I thought “who would ever look in here?”. Well, my mom had decided that since my house looked great she would show off the remodeling we had done in the bathroom. You guessed it, she opened the shower curtain and showed my dirtiness to everyone on the home tour. Nice.

I have made it a point to always have the living room picked up and looking fairly good. I decided I need one room I can always sit and just relax in. I am very bossy about keeping that room clean. I just throw stuff left in there into my kids rooms. I like to have a clean kitchen too, but that is a little harder to keep on top of.

The other night I had a big party at my house. Clean? Kitchen – check, Living Room – check, Bathroom – check. Just don’t go anywhere else, or open any bedroom doors for heavens sake. And don’t accidentally wipe your finger on a shelf or you may realize just how long it’s been since I dusted.

I wish I had kids who cleaned and helped more, but hey, I’ve got awesome kids and I know they’ll be gone before I know it. So I need to relax. And feel okay about it!
Merry Michelle
May 15th, 2009 @ 2:56 pm

I am a reformed “super-Becky”. I would invite both sides of the family to my house for Thanksgiving and follow them around, sponge in hand, to collect the dishes. I would follow their children around to clean up the toys they would dump and abandon. I would watch everyone messing up my perfect, spotless house and seethe inside. I wouldn’t eat anything or visit, just clean and serve as everyone talked, played games, laughed and made memories. It was miserable–I was miserable.

Slowly, I learned that in reality–no one really cares. What people feel in your home is so much more important than what they see. And much of what they feel emanates from you.

People really are more important than things, as Jendoop pointed out. We all have gifts like Dovie said–we just need to be careful that they don’t turn into obsessions. The Spirit will guild us into the right balance for us, which may be very different than someone else–and that’s ok.
Ellen
May 15th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm

I clean for occasions (parties and guests)! And, most of my entertaining is at night and you can’t see the dust as much when it’s dark.
Terrie
May 15th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm

I strive for and thrive in a clean house. I have gotten a reputation among my friends as the one with the perpetually clean house. While I love that they think that I am an amazing house keeper, it is also exhausting. If I know someone is coming over I obsess about cleaning my house before hand. If someone just drops by I am mortified if the kids have left a path of socks, shoes, toy cars and books in their wake; as they inevitably have. When the door bell rings I panic if it is unexpected and try to grab as much as I can on the way to the door. I have a hard time having too many kids over at once because of the aftermath. Sometimes I feel like I am competing with the image of the person everyone thinks I am. I do love having a clean house, and most of the time I enjoy the actual cleaning, I don’t however like the pressure. Pressure which I know logically is only placed there by myself.

I am trying to find balance. It is impossible to have an immaculate house with a 2 year old. I am on my 3rd 2 year old and know this time around to let toys into the living room and just clean them up all at one time, instead of taking them back to his room every ten minutes just to have him bring them out again in two. And over time kids are teachable. My older kids know that everything has a place and the living room is not the place for everything. Does this mean they hang up their back packs and put their shoes away as soon as they get home? No. But with a reminder they do. And if something sits on the living room floor for a bit longer than I would like it is not the end of the world and that certainly does not make me a bad mother. I would love to have a perfectly clean house at all times, but more than that I want a house that is comfortable. I have found that what that means is a mostly clean house and a lot of love and just a little bit of looking the other way.
Dovie
May 15th, 2009 @ 3:49 pm

One step ahead of the health department that’s what I always say! JK
Proud Daughter of Eve
May 15th, 2009 @ 5:10 pm

Clutter drives me nuts. This is not to say my house is never cluttered – esp. with Dear Hubby, who honestly just does not notice. A couple of years ago we reamed out the den. It ended up in the middle of the living room floor, where it looked like it was content to stay. Eventually I gave up, threw out everything I know I could toss and lined the rest up between the bed and the wall on Hubby’s side. I figured eventually he’d get tired of it in his way and finally sort through it.

It’s still there. It has more stuff on top of it, including a precariously-perched and often-falling trash can. He doesn’t notice.

My mother used to drive me nuts with her cleaning. She was one of those that would clean (and make me help!) before the cleaning lady came.

I don’t insist on museum or show-home level cleanliness either. Basic hygiene, yes. Kitchen and bathroom must be clean. I’ll get to the rest of the house when I get to it but I can’t stand it when neither of us does the dishes for a week. (Not to say it doesn’t happen, but I’m terribly irritated with myself when it does.)

The thing is, I can sympathize with people who “just aren’t domestic” but there is a huge difference between “being domestic” (as seems to be perceived by most people) and “basic, adult functionality.” Too often I see the latter excused as the former.
Annalise
May 15th, 2009 @ 5:34 pm

It is nice to know I’m in the same boat as so many of you out there. Sometimes I beat myself up over how messy my house is (usually after visiting a clean one!), but I’m not going to drive myself insane trying to stay on top of it. Laundry and dishes are my biggies. If they are in good shape, I feel good. I also tend to go in cycles–sometimes it’s easier to be on the ball than others. But as long as my kids feel comfortable and loved here, that’s what counts.

Michelle, I also have 5 boys. Please NEVER ask to use one of my bathrooms! However, tonight 4 of them are gone with my husband to the Father/Son campout. Part of me wants to clean & tidy, the other part just wants to veg out. So far the “veggin” is winning!
mmiles
May 15th, 2009 @ 5:38 pm

Annalise,
I went to town on the bathrooms when my sons were at the father and sons camp out. It is usually part of their Saturday cleaning to do the bathrooms, but sometimes they need to be cleaned like I clean them. I know how you feel!
mormonhermitmom
May 15th, 2009 @ 9:39 pm

I hate housecleaning, but I like a clean house. I do the basics to keep everyone healthy and uncluttered enough to feel like I can breathe. I do the “spring cleaning” when I don’t feel I can do anything without getting the place superclean.

I may not be the best cleaning lady, four kids see to that, but I’m not the worst either. I don’t judge the moms who have more piled up against the walls than I do, because I know now that there may be much beyond their control (husbands).
Heidi
May 15th, 2009 @ 10:21 pm

I’d like to say that I’m choosing to be with my kids over having a spotless house, but people like Becky force me to admit that that’s a false dichotomy.

I just wish I could go stalk Becky. She oughta charge admission and let people just WATCH her to see how she does it.
izzy
May 15th, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

Great comments so fun to see how different people are. I believe keeping a clean house is a talent some people can do it easily, some people have to really work at it. I am not so great, but I keep working on it just like I do with some of my other weaknesses. I try to just admire people that do it well and learn from them. There are things I do well, they just don’t include organizing my linen closet. Oh and I also hate socks on the floor, my current pet peeve, why is it so hard for kids to put them in the laundry.
Douglas
May 16th, 2009 @ 7:53 am

That could have been word for word my a blog by my wife (she emailed it to me!).

BTW…she (actegratuit) does have a hot body!
Dovie
May 16th, 2009 @ 10:20 am

Dalene thanks for the kind comment. I’m glad it brought you some comfort and peace. You are an incredible woman. One insomniac night I spent some time perusing your past posts on your CW blog. You have indeed been given many gifts rejoice in them.
Leslie
May 16th, 2009 @ 7:27 pm

I have long been of the opinion we should let our friends husbands see our homes at their worst- so they will all think their wives are the best housekeepers around.anyone else in?

While I am currently thwarted at every turn of cleanliness by 17 mo old who hangs from my legs wailing when i clean up. I am somewhere in the middle. I try to accept entropy but of it’s hard. The artist in me is very very prone to “projects” and inspirations and not a fan of task completion. I am a totally split left brain/right brain and it is toturous because they war constantly– organize vs. create!

I can leave dishes in my sink overnight unlike my mother.

while I really love to see a spotless house- I couldn’t give up all my rolling on the floor with my boys, painting, baking, writing, I would need to achieve that in my home.
Selwyn
May 17th, 2009 @ 4:40 am

I arrived home from District Conference today to find that my Mum had been and cleaned my house. I used to think that she did it because she thought I was awful at housekeeping, but really she does it “to be a blessing”, and because she does her best thinking and praying while she’s doing housework. THAT I can’t understand, but I reap the benefits so I don’t mind!

My house is healthy. I don’t stress about cleaning, and I don’t have a schedule or roster for cleaning either. I get my boys to vacuum the hall or their bathroom when they vacuum their rooms, but that’s not daily (or even weekly). My son wrote his name in toothpaste on their bathroom mirror and I left it there for over 2 weeks. It would have been longer but my Mum wiped it off in her next cleaning jag =)

I have a level of cleanliness/tidiness that helps my mental and emotional wellbeing. If I’m feeling overloaded, my house gets messier. It was an absolute mess this morning, but in a good way – bits scattered around of my work, my sons day at home relaxing, going to district conference yesterday afternoon, having come back from taking my Mum out for her birthday last night, evidence of my loves and plans and my/our LIFE. It wasn’t at a stage where it was getting on top of me, but wonderful proof of the interests and chaos of my family and our lives, without pretense or guilt.

I no longer say “excuse the mess” when people come over. I think they’ve either come to see me or the boys, or they need my help. If they get upset by the way we live in our own home, then they can leave because I’m not interested in hearing about it.

I’ve seen a fridge magnet that says “Boring women have immaculate houses”. I can’t imagine wanting to be at the immaculate level, but am happy for others to knock themselves out if it fulfills something in them.

I bet if you asked any woman who was perfect/excellent in an area, she would look at you wide eyed and profess total inability/fear/avoidance of another task or “should” she thinks she’s failing at.

I’d rather make a home than keep house. Moderation in most things works for me.
Dovie
May 17th, 2009 @ 9:31 am

I was thinking a couple more things about my often less than immaculate home. First that quote is on my kitchen/family room wall and let me tell you I am always fabulous and intriguing and never dull! Secondly if I let you all the way into my home when it is a disaster it is a sign that I love you and trust you enough to be there. I am by no means reclusive but there are a few people that I would be a little and uncomfortable opening the heart of my home to.
Amanda D
May 19th, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

I’ve not read all the comments yet, so I hope I’m not repeating, but the scripture about the house of order is not a list of things for women to do in their homes, it is a list of things for the temple. Of course, we want to order and cleanliness but it doesn’t have to be to the extremem of the temple. Our homes are where our children play and people eat and memories are made. It doesn’t have to be spotless. And, keep in mind, there are dirty dishes at the temple – they are just out of site of the people purchasing food!
Heather O.
May 20th, 2009 @ 1:09 pm

I am in awe of clean freaks. I’m a particularly neorotic combination of a slob who feels guilty about it. If I could just give up the guilt, I’m sure I’d be much happier. But I feel like I need the guilt, because then I feel more righteous about being a slob. I mean, if I didn’t feel guilty, than I would just be a slob. Feeling guilty means I can torture myself about it, and thus not get off scot free.

See? Toldja I am crazy.

I go in waves, though, like everybody else, and some days are better than others. I made a comment, though, in RS, about how difficult being a homemaker is for me. A woman came up to later and said, “Let me get this straight–you garden, you can your own produce, you make home-made bread, you pick strawberries every year and make a year’s worth of home-mad jam, you are constantly working on your food storage, and you have a 72 hour kit and are working towards emergency preparedness. And YOU think you’re a bad homemaker?”

I realized that I was equating housekeeper with homemaker, when they’re not synonymous. I think that was my biggest problem with Sis. Beck’s talk–she included housekeeping with nurturing, and that makes me feel like a failure sometimes. But I try to remind myself that my own mother didn’t keep a clean house, and her kids all turned out pretty darn okay.

Still, I struggle….
Heather O.
May 20th, 2009 @ 1:13 pm

Although I do have to say that living in a cockroach infested house with no dishwasher cured me of the habit of leaving dirty dishes in the sink over night FAST. The ants that have shown up in my sink lately if I even leave a knife with jelly on it have also broken me of some habits, and doing food storage does make you want to organize it so it looks pretty in the pantry. So, you know, there are some things I’m getting better at….
Disciplining Children Wrap Up
January 15th, 2010 @ 2:52 am

[...] Dacia talked about her 5 Finger Rule for bedtime and also how to use “Date Night” with Mom or Dad as a reward for good behavior. Vanessa went on a bit of rant about the form of parenting that drives her bonkers and how she thinks it leads to disciplining our children MORE. Rebecca shared the trick of the trade she learned through teaching piano to 25 children. Cindy posed the questions, “Is the discipline RESPECTFUL, is it RELATED, and is it REASONABLE?” [...]