First time blogger Heather Bennion Judd shares her recent “tough day” cathartic writing at the coaxing of a friend. Not the B.A. in English from BYU, but rather the small stack of short stories, poetry and essays that she’s written since the 4th grade should have been a clue that this day of virtual “publication” would inevitably come. Mother of three children and wife of the gentle and attentive Dr. Marty Judd, Heather’s favorite pastime is baking—wait—shopping—or perhaps just talking to friends. Her sister calls her “Elasta-Mom,” but she also responds to an enthusiastic “ELASTA!”
Today I went to help my mom. I helped her take a shower, washed her hair, gave her a haircut, and did laundry. Okay, I even cleaned up the poop and pee in the potty chair. I cleaned the toilets, even though I had cleaned them the day before. I witnessed her shaky hands and weak legs as she attempted to get out of bed. I held her up as we walked to the spare bedroom so that I could change the sheets on her bed—again something I had done the day before.
As I sat on her bed and chatted with her a few moments—she eating a lettuce and tomato sandwich I had made her—I was taken back 30 years to when I was about 17 years old. After a few weeks of excruciating pain, Mom had finally had surgery on her neck. She recovered for—again—I don’t know how many weeks. As a busy teenager I ran in and out of the house, occasionally stopping by her bedroom, but then I was off doing my own thing. I remember pangs of guilt for not doing much for her. In retrospect I know that I was in denial that my mom was “broken,” that she might need my help. I am sure I have tucked away what really happened, but memories I am able to yank from my subconscious mind remind me that I was self-centered and weak.
During those selfish teenage years my favorite scripture became Ether 12:27: “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble….and my grace is sufficient…for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” I remember rejoicing at the understanding that I didn’t have to beat myself up about my weaknesses. They were there to serve a purpose; and with humility and through the Atonement, those weaknesses could be made strong.
So, for years I have relied in the Savior to help me be less selfish. I believe He has often given me the gift of charity toward others. I believe that He has forgiven me for my selfish neglect of my mother when I was 17. His forgiveness might have been enough. But through His love and wisdom He has given me an opportunity to accomplish my own redemption—to ransom my own actions. Even though the opportunity to comfort, dress, clean and feed my Mom is at times sad, it is also a satisfying moment to love in a way that I was not capable—or at least did not choose to—30 years ago.
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Tags: aging, atonement, caregiving, grace, growth, humility, mothers, pain, service, sickness, weakness, women
This is so beautiful and true. It brought tears to my eyes. What a wide and beautiful circle mortality makes. Even though I regret and curse the selfishness of my youth, how grateful I am for it at the same time. Though it I see the tender mercies of the Lord, I see and feel the power and work of the Atonement as I have become more than I was before. So even though it hurts sometimes to look back at the same time brim with gratitude. I was just thinking this morning about the regrets I had when earlier this year when my Dad passed away. I thought that perhaps I was finally at a place where those regrets could school me rather than consume me and I was so grateful for that. That place I know is made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that all things can be made whole and be perfected through Him. Not just myself but my relationships too. Perhaps not entirely in this life but I know that all things through Him will be made whole.
I was a terribly selfish youth, I’m sure. But are there children that aren’t? I’m just not sure there are! Don’t be too hard on yourself, and I won’t be either. Thankfully, we’ve got this time to plod forward and grow; if it were required to have it all figured out at 15, I’d be in a lot of trouble.
I know there are always opportunities missed, even now in my life, but I can always keep trying, always always always!
Last weekend my sister and i took my mom, who has parkinson’s to 1st Care. It was hard. It was our 1st time together, my sister and I, taking care of mom since dad died. Mom was difficult, my sister thot she was going to faint, and i saw this as the 1st of a long line of events to come.
when my dad was dying i was not working. i was able to go to church w/my mom so she would not be alone. i went everyday to the hospital or house that we were allowed – with infection issues. one day my dad thanked me that i came. i then realized that he didn’t expect that of me – they were surprised. humbling to say the least. we can do hard things – i did and i will – so will we all.
beautiful post!
The caregiving at the beginning and end of life (and sometimes the middle too) is such a powerful teacher. It evolves us in powerful ways. Thank you for your post!
So glad you posted this! It is wonderful! I look forward to many more blogs.
I hope none of us are judged according to our lives as teenagers! Your mother is blessed to have you; that’s all that matters. Thanks for this beautiful post.
I agree beautiful post! I have some idea of what you mean. When I was a 16 year old teen, I recall one selfish night. My parents had gone to a “sports award” night /banquet w/my other sisters.
I was stuck at home w/my few months old baby sis and my grandma visiting from India. Both were crying (well grandma was calling for me to “gently pound her head”- something that gave comfort to her. ( In retrospect, I think it was love she was seeking, as I recall a time she held my hand). I was frustrated, I had a test for which to study and I felt stuck.
I regret not having been a better granddaughter to the only grandparent I ever met.
I now work as a therapist in a nursing home and try to do my best to help other grandmas/grandparents. But I see the love of those families and I feel bad that I wasn’t more loving to my own grandma. But like you, somehow I find a sort of redemption in working w/the folks at my workplace.
I, too, am grateful I’ve been able to redeem myself somewhat after the teenage years. Some of my memories of my behavior make me wince! But thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father who gives us chance after chance to repent and learn and grow. Thanks so much for this post.
Teenagers will be teenagers…and we’ve all been there. (The fact that you even remember the situation so vividly and regret not being more available shows that you were more thoughtful than most.)
What’s important is that you have grown into a lovely and loving woman, and your mother is fortunate to have you so squarely in her corner when she needs you. I’ll be very grateful if my children are able to be there for me in a similar way one day.
I haven’t had an experience like yours, but I have had some experiences that are teaching me about God’s amazing grace in the (sometimes very slow) process of becoming better.
This was a beautiful post. Thank you.