When a Three Letter Word Becomes a Four Letter Word

Posted by Marintha | June 9, 2010 | 28 Comments

When I was nine my grandma made me a quilted fabric book bag, the kind with two handles that I swung back and forth on my way to and from school, ducking under the chestnut tree and brushing past the untrimmed lilac bush on the corner of Main Street and 850 North. The lilac print of the bag was as purple as the bush, changing shades in the outline of the flowers. My initials were stitched on neatly in green fabric, and stood out in contrast to their purple background. M R R— It didn’t take long for the other kids to realize that M didn’t have to stand for Marintha, and that R’s could be easily transformed to stand for words of cruelty, satisfying the appetites of children in want as they ran out of banal taunts toward one another. M R R instantly became Mental Retard Reject.

One day my book bag disappeared. It wouldn’t have been so bad if my glasses hadn’t been in it. It was returned two weeks later as I sauntered home from school one day with my two girlfriends, one of whom claimed to have found it, broken glasses inside, the lenses popped out too neatly, the frames twisted in half and an earpiece torn from its hinge.

I suppose most of us experienced such boorishness growing up, and many of us inflicted it on others. I navigate this world now as a mother, guiding my own children through the minefields of the social landscape; helping them dodge bullets fired from the mouths of middle-schoolers, raining like the fire bombs of World War II upon their pre-pubescent heads. I have wondered where the line is between assistant navigator and pilot. But then one day I found it, a border marked like the barbed wire that separates harmful criminals from the rest of us, the line of social mores drawn clearly and enabling us to live together and thrive as a society without inflicting ill onto those we share this world with. The line isn’t so clear for middle-schoolers.

I picked up my sixth-grader along with two others in the afterschool carpool. He ran his fingers through his hair and slung his heavily loaded backpack onto the floor with few words and head hung low. I dropped the other two off, happy to be able to break the uncomfortable silence now that we were alone. I went through the usual list, “Kids hiding your stuff?”

“Yes.”

“Taking your hat?”

“Yes.”

“Where in the world is the teacher during all this?” And then the serrated words sunk deep, knocking the wind out of me.

“Jimmy* and other kids have been saying I’m gay.”

It didn’t matter that we were almost home, or that I still had on my gym clothes. It didn’t matter we’d be late for piano. It didn’t matter that this diversion would leave my nine-year-old and my two younger children locked inside with a movie for more minutes than I had calculated. I turned the car around and reminded myself aloud that I was still in the neighborhood, that there is a 25 mph speed limit as I drove back to his friend’s house. I could barely contain the tears when his mother came to the door.

“Jimmy has been telling kids that A. is gay, and calling him gay.” My son had tried to stop me. But I knew her. I knew she needed to know and would have wanted to know. After the confrontation, the door shut. It had been awkward and floundering, and not yet resolved.

“It’s just what kids do,” my son explained. “They all do it, er, mostly. The thing is he tells people I said I am gay.”

“Wait—kids just call each other gay? As a joke?”

“Yes…”

“Do you call kids gay?”

“No! I wouldn’t mom!” He protested as I drive now over railroad tracks, grateful no train was there to infringe on my hurry, to encroach on my anger and force patience that I didn’t desire.

“ ‘Gay’ is not a slur,” the short lecture quietly seeped from my lips. My child gazed out the window as I assured him he could wait in the car, he didn’t have to come in with me. “This isn’t about you. I won’t even mention you. It’s the principle of it. You don’t use ‘black’ as a slur, you don’t use ‘gay’ as a slur.” It isn’t ok to employ an aspect of human identity as a derogatory term.

His fingers tugged on his hair, “I know, I know,” he interjected.

I pulled back into the middle school parking lot, rolled the windows down for my son and handed him my phone to keep his fingers busy while I was gone. I glided into the office and the conversation began.

*Name has been changed.

As parents, how do you know when to intervene in your child’s interactions with his/her peers as opposed to coaching from the sideline? When is it time for school intervention?

Comments

28 Responses to “When a Three Letter Word Becomes a Four Letter Word”

Kristy
June 9th, 2010 @ 6:55 am

I can’t even tell you how appalled I am at what I hear in the halls at my middle school. I’m 27 and a teacher and these kids say all kinds of things to each other. I hear them saying things like “gay” and other slurs that probably weren’t in my vocabulary when I was in high school.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I have a “liberal” vocabulary compared to most my friends but it absolutely makes me so sad to hear 12 year old girls swearing, 15 year old boys not even caring who hears them, and 15 year old girls think its funny when they swear.

I wish more parents would take the initiative and get involved in their kids lives. Even though the kids kind of hate it, it makes for a much more respectful, capable, responsible child.
Ana
June 9th, 2010 @ 7:45 am

Yikes; reading this has made me dread the school years even more. My oldest is headed to kindergarten this year, and I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t want to homeschool, but if this is the kind of stuff he’s going to face, I might have to revisit the idea.
Jennie
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:15 am

We’ve had the whole issue with my son and his best friend this last year in 7th grade being called gay. Apparently you can’t hang out with other guys without being accused of being gay which is absurd.

Fortunately he is a pretty strong person and the teasing usually rolls off his back. My husband and I kind of differ in how we think he should respond to the mean kids, though. My husband tells my son he should try to fit in better, just ignore people who are being mean to him and not be a tattle-tale. I think my son should be interested in anything he wants even if it makes him less popular (which is Star Wars lately) and not be afraid to stand up for himself. And if tattling gets kids off his back, then do it.

Really, my son has to find his own way, I think. The principal has had to step in a few times when the teasing has gotten unnacceptable (my sons best friend is Muslim and they tease him about being a terrorist). The school takes that sort of thing very seriously.

My daughter who is in 8th grade had an awful 7th grade year and we pulled her out to homeschool her. By 8th grade she had gotten her bearings and went back. Just giving her a little break from the drama helped a lot.

I suppose there isn’t one way to help every child in middle school. I just tell my kids that this is the worst part of their entire lives.
mom o' boys
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:17 am

So heart-breaking as a mom to see your kids go through this stuff. Middle school is the absolute pits. At least your kid tells you what’s going on. That is so important. I had kids tease me and swear at me every day on the bus during middle school and didn’t utter a word about it to my parents (they were so un-involved and distant and overwhelmed with their own lives). I think talking to the principal might be worthwhile…just to give him or her your input. Our middle school here has a zero tolerance policy for bullying, and it makes a HUGE difference in my son’s experience. He tells me there is virtually no bullying that he is aware of. Yes, I know there are always more subtle forms of cruelty at that age that escape notice, but it is amazing how powerful a principal can be in setting the expectations. I know from some personal experience that the more indifferent a child can appear to the bullying, the better. Bullies typically are looking for a reaction of some kind. I love the books “Real Boys” and “Raising Cain” for general ideas on raising boys, and I believe they have sections on teasing and bullying. Best wishes to you and your son. Having you as his advocate will make a tremendous difference in this.
April
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:23 am

We suffer with the same kind of taunting here and I am at a loss at how to deal with it! It seems as if when the cool kids can find no other way to taunt you they simply tell everyone your gay! It’s like a scarlet letter ! No one wants to be the one every one calls gay so they all ostracize the one who is called it! Why does middle school have to be so bad and why do parents not see their kids behaving this way?
Eliana
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:48 am

RAISING CAIN which someone else mentioned is very good. I’ve been a teacher for a long time and I go a little crazy in situations like this. I’m scared for my sons…we have all survived mean kids but we bear the scars. You have to read your kid to know when something is more than usual or has crossed a line–it sounds like it here if he was crying. My hope is to instill my boys with enough confidence in who they are that yes, they will be different, but they will feel good about it. A long term goal certainly, but really all I feel like I can do. Talk to me in eight years though.
Marintha
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:53 am

Jennie,
So where’s the line? We think our son tends to be overly sensitive sometimes, so we have to weight our responses carefully. Sometimes the guys just joking around, he’ll take personally–even when no insult was at all intended. We want him to have good social skills, but still be himself.

momoboys,
I am really grateful my son tells me. He’s definitely a talker. It might be more difficult with my second child who tends to give yes or no answers and no details.

April,
Part of the reason I am so sensitive about the whole ‘gay’ thing is that I have a gay family member, and secondly, I am sure there are kids in middle school struggling with sexual identity. It breaks my heart that it has become a slur. I think when that kind of thing is going on, the school needs to take action. They need to implement a tough no toleracne policy.

Where’s the line between bullying and teasing? When is it bullying?
Marintha
June 9th, 2010 @ 9:55 am

Eliana,
He wasn’t crying. It’s not the way he expresses himself. He was really discouraged. I think if I waited until he cried, I wouldn’t ever do anything, and I wouldn’t be reading him very well.
MelissaPete
June 9th, 2010 @ 10:13 am

So hard. I worry about my daughter because she is very kind and sensitive. She’s also very obedient, and that makes me worry that she is a target for bullying. So far, she has great girl friends. I try to listen to her stories without immediately reacting. Emotions tend to alter our judgement. I usually take a deep breath and think for a little while. So far, the worst thing that’s happened is that a boy that likes her, who has in the past slapped her on the back and poked her legs with Sharpie when they sat next to each other, finally left a welt on her arm. Fortunately the teacher was on it and had him write an apology. But I went a step further and asked for him to be no where near my girl in the seating arrangements. He’s a nice boy, but has some misunderstanding of what is appropriate. Anyway, listen to your heart and if you need to, say a prayer. Sometimes the social stigma of having a mom involved is worse. Sometimes we have to step in to protect. It’s such a fine line. If it were a good friend, I would want to say something too. Even that gets sticky. So hard. Good luck!
April
June 9th, 2010 @ 10:23 am

I don’t know where the line is. In my opinion it’s all bullying and in this case even sexual harassment.
In the work place you would be protected from this kind of treatment, yet in school they consider it a right of passage.
I agree there needs to be a tough no tolerance policy. I feel like the popular kids will still get away with it though.
Jill Shelley
June 9th, 2010 @ 10:40 am

I think the trick is to keep our kids talking to us. If they fear we will “report” things they will become more and more selective about what they say around us. I like how you kept your son anonymous.
Marintha
June 9th, 2010 @ 10:52 am

Jill,
Let me clarify, my discussion with the school officials did not revolve around a specific child being called gay at all (I’m sure if the conversation went that way, they would know I was talking about my child anyhow). It was more to the point of rampant use of the word gay towards eachother as a slur, harrassing kids about being gay, and my fury that this was being ignored and tolerated.

I am in a difficult position too because I live in California. They know at the school that I am Mormon, they also know Mormons heavily campaigned for Prop 8. So when I go into the school and approach the issue, they have preconcieved notions that I am complaining only because I think all gay people go to hell, not because it really is a problem. Frankly, they are a bit dismissive.
This was a line for me because it affects all the kids and their attitudes, not just the taunted child.
jks
June 9th, 2010 @ 11:25 am

It is important to be careful when confronting another parent. The calmer you can be, the better. It is also important to realize that you ARE confronting them and they don’t have time to think about it before reacting….and they don’t have time to talk to their kid to find out what their kid says.
So, it is better to be calm and give them some space. Give them the opportunity to think it through before anything is decided.
It this case, saying that apparently it is commonly used at school but you don’t think it is appropriate and you think she would agree with you and so perhaps she could talk to her son to find ut what is going on and then maybe I can call you tomorrow/later tonight so we can put our heads together….we don’t want this to become a bigger problem, etc. That sort of thing.
Just don’t expect confronting a parent dramatically to go well.
jks
June 9th, 2010 @ 11:27 am

Cont. from above
It helps when talking to teachers to. Approaching them nicely to ask for their input, their observations, their insight into the situation…..rather than telling them you know everything and telling them what they should be doing.
Marintha
June 9th, 2010 @ 1:24 pm

jks–
Thanks for your comments. You are right, it helps to be calm. I think I error on the side of caution.

In talking to the boy’s mom, yes it was uncomfortable and, no, it wasn’t immediately resolved. How could it be? It was something his mom and dad would have to approach with him. He is from an amazing family–one of the best– and is really a great kid. This wasn’t the only thing discussed because it wasn’t the only thing going on, but the other things are less important to this discussion. Kids this age don’t realize how calling someone gay is much worse that calling them an idiot. It’s our job as parents to teach them, and I’m sure his parents took care of it. There aren’t any hard feelings. Our boys are still friends. It’s over and done with.

I think sometimes when things go on for a long while and can’t be resolved, it’s appropriate to take the bull by the horns. The question for me is how long do they need to go on before I do that? What kind of things cross the line? When do you go to the parent? and when do you go to the school?

I went to the school, because as I mentioned before, that was a clear line for me. Everything else going on with my son and the teasing he was enduring wasn’t to that level.

When I see all the reports in the media of kids being bullied in terrible ways, and sexually harrassed at school (particularly girls), and kids taking their own lives, I really wonder, How did it get to that point?
If it was that bad, why were their parents still sending them to that school? Am I as a parent doing enough to protect my child’s emotional well-being?
anonomous
June 9th, 2010 @ 1:26 pm

This just breaks my heart. And I hate to tell you, but it doesn’t end with middle school. My child just finished 10th grade. Halleluyah. It has been awful! I thought we were over the worst of it and things were looking better and then I learn my straight A child failed two classes the last term. And barely passed another. Just gave up. Too many bad things had piled up, and this child just gave up. Went to class. But stopped doing anything for class. I thought all was well. duh. So I snooped. I admit, I thought the worst – drugs, drinking, what? And I found a journal, with very recent entries wondering how, if Jesus really loved this kid, did bad things keep happening? I am at a loss. It seems like this child is on the precipice of going one way or another. How do I help this kid feel God’s love? We have a tight knit, happy family (or so I thought). How do you teach your kids about God’s love for them, when all around them at school and with friends is ugly?
jks
June 9th, 2010 @ 2:32 pm

You definitely have to approach each situation differently.
When to stay out– when the child can take care of it themselves.
When to go to a parent–children are younger or when it is too big for the child to take care of or when the child has failed in his attempts to take care of it, when you think the parent would be helpful, when you think the parent would be receptive, when you think it is something that would signal to the child that they have crossed some sort of line
When to go to the school – when they have broken any kind of school rule (many schools have anti bullying rules and they can intervene even when it is off school property….just depends), when your child’s safety is at risk, when you can’t approach a parent, when you know it is wider spread than just your child, etc.
Going to a parent or a school does not necessarily end it. However, it can help the bullied child to know that there are people who are on his side. It can also let the perpetrator know that they have crossed the line and their behavior is not going unnoticed.
jks
June 9th, 2010 @ 2:37 pm

anonomous,
Definitely find out the options for a different school environment for next year.
Private school? Homeschool? A different school in the district? An alternative program? Discuss the possibilities and pray about it. See what your son thinks. Even if he ultimately chooses to stay at his school, it might mean a lot for him to know that he has some control over the situation because he can remove himself.
Also, consider counseling.
Also, find out if there are any adult men that he looks up to. Teenage boys need mentors (read books about raising boys). If there are some family friends or scout leaders who he gets along with, let them know what is going on and specifically how they can help, not general, specific.
Stephen M (Ethesis)
June 9th, 2010 @ 6:08 pm

My daughter caught hell this year. From other kids giving her “gifts” (empty boxes) so they could mock her when she opened them to other events.

However, there are real limits to what you can do. Her neurologist just said our goal should be to get her into her late teens with the least amount of permanent damage as possible.

So, we love her, her psych consults with her neuropsych and her neurologist about her disabilities and we make progress.

But there are real limits to what you can do without making your reaction more of a story than the problems.

If I had solutions, I’d post, but I don’t, only sympathy.
carriem
June 9th, 2010 @ 8:59 pm

Love this post! I hate hearing lds kids use slurs like this.
Natasha
June 10th, 2010 @ 8:53 am

I had to correct our 19-year-old LDS nanny when she kept using “gay” as a slur.

A neighbor’s 12-year-old son was being called gay AND a pedophile. I wanted to find those kids and threaten them to the point that they were terrified until their 40s. But I didn’t, of course. So, so upsetting.

I thought it sounded like you handled this situation very well.
annegb
June 10th, 2010 @ 10:32 am

“Gay” started to become an insult oh, about 1985? My kids were having an argument once and James called Jared “AIDS victim.” Of course, I corrected him, but the kids at school said that to each other. Before it became politically incorrect to be insensitive to HIV positive people. That was when AIDS scared people to death.

Marintha, this will put people off. But purely looking at your son’s point of view, this is what will solve his problem. The next time somebody calls him “gay” or “homo” or whatever they say, no matter who that kid is (unless it’s a girl) he needs to sucker punch that kid in the face as hard as he can.

Odds are 99-1 that there will be no following conflict. A good hard punch to the face usually stops a fight before it begins. But it says, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

This is a very good way for your child to nip bullying in the bud. You talking to the mom probably didn’t do much good for him in his everyday school life.

I know, I know, violence is never the answer. He can get in trouble in school…yada, yada. It will solve his problem and buck him up immensely in the self-esteem department.

A good stiff sock in the nose. Only have to do it once.
jks
June 10th, 2010 @ 11:50 am

annegb, that strategy is a very good strategy for some cases. However, it depends on the kid and it depends on who is teasing them.
A child has to have the right “attitude” behind a punch for it to some off successfully. If your child can’t pull it off, it makes them look more ridiculous. Same with a sarcastic retort. Some kids can come back with something quick and with an attitude and it makes the other kid find someone else next time. (this is my daughter) However, if you child is like me there is no way I could process what someone did and make a decision on what to say back and say it quickly enough to pull it off.
So, you have to keep that in mind when giving a kid advice.
Also, it makes a difference if this is a friendship or family friendship, vs. a random other kid at school.
Sue
June 10th, 2010 @ 1:05 pm

Heartbreaking. And so difficult to navigate.

When to let them fight their own battles?
When to enter the fray?

(I think you got it right on this one.)

=)
Mary B
June 10th, 2010 @ 3:17 pm

When to intervene? When it’s more than your child can thwart on his/her own. Sounds like your son had reached that point. Kids need adult allies and they need to know that they exist.

Adults may not be able to stop every kind of bullying, but the fact that they know it’s going on and will stand against it, is helpful to a child.

General rule of thumb: make your children’s teachers and school administrators your allies, not your scapegoats. (Talking with them after you’ve cooled off a bit is a good idea.)

My parents enlisted the help of the adults at school when I was bullied in middle school. Their involvement didn’t stop the bullying, but it stopped the most egregious aspects of it. Knowing that I had adults who were interested in my welfare helped. And that experience empowered me to step up and do the same for kids in our middle school as an adult.
Jennifer
June 10th, 2010 @ 11:43 pm

Mothers are often blessed with a special ability to immediately notice a child’s hurts. This does not mean, however, that we have to ACT immediately — to do so in haste tends toward retaliation rather than resolution. I learned this the hard way with my own middle school-aged son. I was so hurt, so outraged when told me he had been bullied. Rather than asking him what he needed from me, I set out on my own angry agenda to contact the school, leaving him more upset and confused. I worry now that he will be less inclined to confide in me.

Because you opened this post with the story of your own childhood pang I sense that your hurt is double: your son’s experience made the memory fresh. Draw from your past experiences to teach your son empathy (he undoubtedly has a very compassionate mother), but even then do the teaching when you are cooled down.

I honestly don’t know how I would have acted toward the friend’s mother. I do know I would hate to be on the other side of that confrontation! Maybe instead a call to say, “Is there a time we can talk? I’m really upset about something that happened between our two boys and need to discuss it with you.” That shows some hope in her ability to work with you toward a solution.

It’s hard to be a mama bear, isn’t it? Good luck to you.
Marintha
June 10th, 2010 @ 11:55 pm

Jennifer,
I’ve realized that I haven’t communicated well here. My own childhood had its moments, but actually I never felt bullied. That’s pretty much the only little moment I can think of. I was trying to make it a lead in to the broader issue of bullying.
Really, I think I handled the situation well. I just wanted to know where others draw the line, what they would do–share their own experiences. But it’s just become a commentary on my life. So hopefully I’ll write a better post next time.
Cheers.
jks
June 20th, 2010 @ 4:40 pm

Marintha, it was a great post. It was perhaps lacking in a few details so us readers had to fill in the blanks. We weren’t sure how the situation turned out. We couldn’t be sure if you rushed in too quickly or too strongly. We couldn’t tell if you discussing it with the parent was too much, or not enough, or what, especially when you hinted at other things besides the slur.
However, I think it has been a great discussion of what are the choices? What do you weigh when you make the decision?
I appreciate many of the comments here, as well as the initial post. While we might have guessed wrongly as to how the “talk” with the parent went (or whatever) all of the advice, caution, food for thought is probably useful for many other readers. There are many of us with kids and who knows what situation we moms face in the future. It is good to be mentally prepared with some ideas for how to decide on how to proceed when our kids come home with these kinds of problems.
So, thanks.