43 Responses to “When Someone Hates Your Guts”

1. Amanda
   May 19th, 2009 @ 3:54 am

   This is one I’m still struggling with.
   My MIL did not make my husband’s life easy growing up, and is still difficult to be with. To what extent do I forgive how she treated him (and us) and forget? Right now there is this precarious balance where she isn’t close enough to us that she can manipulate us or hurt us. But the relationship is still strained and painful at times. There have been months where I couldn’t bring myself to speak with her at any length.
   And sometimes the relationship does boil over, my husband has been a member of the church most of his life and his mother is still sending us books about why organized religion is a waste of our time. Do we address the issue and be more honest? Talk to her more openly about our thoughts, feelings, and life goals? Tell her that we won’t ever leave the church, no matter what she says? I think this would be effectively cutting off the foot or taking out the eye to some degree. I’m not sure the relationship would last that kind of honesty. And though I think it would be a relief to some degree, it would be painful spiritually. And not the Christian thing to do.
   You (and the Lord) are right, the pain of cutting off the foot might not be worth it. For us, it means keeping it at this stalemate or “simmering at a low heat”. It may easier to think of the throbbing hand like Paul’s thorn in the flesh. It’s a source of deep pain that we (or the Lord) may never be able to completely banish, but also a potentially powerful source of growth.

2. Malinda
   May 19th, 2009 @ 4:08 am

   I don’t have any great advice, but I’m looking forward to reading everyone else’s comments. I’m in a similar situation and this article is almost identical to the “how do I deal with this for the rest of my life?” conversation I had with my husband a couple of nights ago. I know there is a lot of wisdom in the Segullah community. Hopefully I can find some answers here.

3. Jenny
   May 19th, 2009 @ 4:28 am

   Boy, do I have the best MIL in the world! I feel sorry that there are so many who struggle with these relationships. I have felt that same angst about feeling disliked, though, and have decided that if I do MY part (which is to forgive the other party NO.MATTER.WHAT~which is the hardest part) then I can live at peace. The thought “How would Christ feel about this person?” reminds me that no matter what the offense, each person is still a daughter or a son of God, and deserves the window of forgiveness, the opportunity to recognize feelings of love from the offended party. Not easy, but it does help me.

4. Floyd the Wonderdog
   May 19th, 2009 @ 5:04 am

   One of the best things I ever did was to sever the relationship with my alcoholic step-father. He was abusive when drunk, so pretty much all the time.

5. Anon
   May 19th, 2009 @ 5:35 am

   I have contemplated severing relationships with my family so many times. I’ve written “the breakup letter” in which I instruct them to stop calling, emailing, or sending letters, cut me out of their will, and forget that I was ever related to them, but I have never sent it. I have tried so hard to forgive, forget, and move on, but there are issues that can never be resolved because my family members refuse to acknowledge or discuss them. Repentance and forgiveness are entirely one sided — mine. They still hold grudges despite their protestations of wanting to “move on and forget this ever happened.” The analogy of cutting off a hand or foot that offends you is apt — wouldn’t you amputate a gangrenous limb that threatened your life? The poison from this relationship is seeping into my blood and needs to be severed. I just don’t have the guts to do it.

6. Lucy
   May 19th, 2009 @ 7:12 am

   Forgiveness! Wow…certainly easier said than done. I have several in my own extended family. My dad is 99 and when he dies, I will just walk away from that state. I have tried the other and it has not worked. Hopefully in the next life things will be worked out. But it’s very hard here.

7. Camille
   May 19th, 2009 @ 7:34 am

   WOW! This article is hitting pretty close to home. I’m on the fence of whether or not I should still be married to my husband who has been addicted to prescription pain meds for over 7 years. He’s making a small effort by going to a counselor but when the counselor suggests other programs he wants him to enroll in, my husband complains and fights it. What to do?

8. April
   May 19th, 2009 @ 7:44 am

   Heavenly Father has blessed us with this earthly life to become more like him. In dealing with my family relationships that have gone ary I often think “How does Heavenly Father deal with his children who have gone ary?” There is so much to be learned from the insight you can recieve. I think the answer to all questions is LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. For whatever reason things have gone wrong, Heavenly Father expects us to Love one another. We can never fully understand another’s actions, but we have the abillity to understand our own. If you have been wronged take comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father is aware. Often We say,”but I just want to be heard” Heavenly Father hears. His judgements are just take comfort in that. He is also aware of your actions. We have to move past the past. Satan is the one who encourages us to hold on to the pain and hurt we feel. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone, Heavenly father knows and that is enough for me. Sometimes an apology is required to get past an altercation. It doesn’t matter if the person does not apologize back, you may need to apologize to let yourself off the hook. I say, sever the hurt feelings and the anger and find things to love about the person. For example the MIL who sends anti religious literature, you could admire her tenasity. With some people you may never see eye to eye so try not to waste another minute trying. Free yourselves cut the pain loose. Forgive those around you for being human. We once fought for the opportunity to be here in these very circumstances. If we are to become like our Father in Heaven we can expect a lot worse to come! Heavenly Father’s peace be with you! : )

9. Kellie
   May 19th, 2009 @ 8:10 am

   If there is one thing that I have learned about forgiveness it is that you don’t have to be friends with a person in order to forgive them. If a person is truly toxic in your life they should not be there. Think about how the Lord works when people are toxic in the church. They are excommunicated, does that mean that they are not forgiven until they are rebaptised? No, forgiveness comes as soon as humility does. For some that comes close to the excommunication and for others it takes years, but when it does come they do not automatically qualify for full fellowship with the saints. It takes time and effort on their part for this blessing. The Lord still loves them and forgives them, but does not give them the blessing of his companionship until they qualify for it. You have to decide how truly toxic they are. The Lord does not say to not judge, the scripture says “See that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgement which ye judge ye shall also be judged.” (Moroni 7:18) We have to make sure that our judgements are right by following the spirit, like the sister who severed her relationship with her abusive father, good for you!! If we follow the Lord’s pattern of forgiveness, then forgiveness does not require friendship.

10. Jennie
    May 19th, 2009 @ 8:21 am

    I have a relationship in my extended family like this. My family member’s view of me is cool disdain. She avoids me at all times, which is easy since we live several states away and rarely have extended family get-togethers (we had a family reunion over Christmas which her entire branch of the family tree declined attending.)

    My feelings towards her are more of the eye-rolling variety. Her feelings are much, much stronger but she is not healthy enough to deal with them, so she avoids the family altogether. I send emails on birthdays and Christmas cards, just so she knows that there is an olive branch.

    My husband and I are ready to have a normal, healthy relationship as soon as she is able. I don’t know if this will ever happen, but I don’t want the burden of knowing that it could have if only I had been willing.

    Even so, I’m not a glutton for punishment. I don’t want to try to force a relationship since her coldness and rejection cut our family to the bone.

11. Melissa
    May 19th, 2009 @ 8:27 am

    I appreciate the comments so far. Kellie, I agree about not allowing toxic people in your life. It’s just much harder when the toxic person is a relative because you really do have to cut pretty deep to sever the relationship. The amputation metaphor is so apt, and such a vivd example of how much the Lord understands the pain of this situation. But as Floyd said, sometimes it truly is the best thing. Freedom from a gangrenous hand, even if it means being “maimed,” is a huge blessing.

    I should probably point out that in context, the severing verses follow vs. 6 and 7, which specifically refer to offending little ones. Obviously, abusive relationships qualify as needed amputations. My particular situation is different, so I’m still struggling with whether the level of toxicity merits a severing. I confess that it’s easier to forgive from a distance. Willingly exposing myself to more pain in the form of a visit is tough. Jennie, I like your approach.

12. Annette
    May 19th, 2009 @ 8:41 am

    This resonates in a big way–I’ve got a couple of these. Like you said, there really are no easy answers.

13. PaulM
    May 19th, 2009 @ 9:01 am

    I think it is possible to forgive the individual and still cut them out of you life. I also don’t think it the un-Christian thing to do. Certain people can bring out the worst in other people and in those instances a certain degree of separation is desireable– you just learn to love them from a distance.

14. Sue
    May 19th, 2009 @ 9:02 am

    This answer to this question is so subjective that it’s hard to even address, and only the individual (with the Lord’s help) can know when to move from tolerating a la “thorn in the flesh” to “cutting off,” but for me a family member would have to be pretty toxic for me to cut that person out entirely. Having said that, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the cutting if my mental health (or my children’s) depended upon it, with the caveat that I would want to revisit the situation every couple of years or so to see if circumstances had changed enough to open up the lines of communication again.

    Either way, cut or no, I would strive to forgive…and (with the Lord’s help) I know I always can. Nothing is beyond Him. I do my best to view the situation from the “offending” person’s side (a trick my mother taught me), and it really does work. Even if I think the person is dead wrong, I am usually able to see why he or she doesn’t think so…or doesn’t have the skills to act differently based on his/her current state of mind. If I fall short in this, I just give it to the Lord, and He has never failed me. I also remind myself of my own imperfections and am able to remember times when I didn’t react as I might have wished.

    Finally, I’m all about talking things through with people. Confronting in kindness and with love is definitely a risk when the tensions are running high, but it’s worth it. Sometimes it is best done in writing, so that you can read every word you send and make sure that it is the right one to choose. In a verbal conversation, it is easier to get caught up in hurt or anger and say things you don’t mean.

    So far, there has never been a relationship problem in my family that hasn’t been mendable, and there have been some very difficult issues, including addiction and betrayal. Still, I have taken some breaks from people before, when I felt like it was necessary for healing.

    I am happy to say that I have been blessed with a wonderful family, but even in the best circumstances, troubles come…and the Lord is a perfect partner in determining how to proceed.

15. lee
    May 19th, 2009 @ 9:07 am

    For me, the magic ingredient in forgiveness is TIME. Even if you can no more than desire to forgive that person, let that desire work within you…

    Given some time, cooler heads and warmer hearts will prevail. Even if it takes a long time, time will do its work if you are willing.

16. Tiffany W.
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:25 am

    Well, I’ve had two experiences with very painful extended family relationships. One I chose to “cut off” the offending member and the other, I continue to love and try to maintain a relationship with the person.

    When I learned that my older sister had been molested by my maternal uncle, and that there was a web of abuse and lies, I was appalled. But the decision to cut that entire part of my family from my life did not come until I realized that they refused to change or confront the truth. I soon realized the my future children were at great risk. Because of that, I made the decision to cut off all contact with any of that side of the family. Even so, the work of forgiving and still loving from afar has continued. I’m finally in a peaceful place where I can even talk or write about it. I don’t hate them, but the safety and emotional well-being of my own children and my own mental health is more important than reopening a relationship with that side of my family.

    For my other story, I know that one of my other sisters hates me, despises me, etc. She can be manipulative and cruel–really is cruel to most everyone in our family. She has wounded me deeply on many occasions. But I don’t hold a grudge against her. For some reason, I’ve always been blessed with a deep love for her. I keep my distance so that she doesn’t spread her poison, but she remains in my thoughts and prayers. I do my best to maintain a positive relationship with her.

17. Tiffany W.
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:28 am

    Lee, I agree with part of your statement that time does heal those wounds, I would add a caveat. I think time, aided by the tools of diligently seeking for forgiveness and healing is what heals. The desire is so important as you stated. Time aided by continued anger and harboring of bitterness only serves to increase the hatred and enlarges the wounds and seperation.

18. Sue
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:32 am

    WARNING: BOOK LENGTH COMMENT AHEAD

    “If there is one thing that I have learned about forgiveness it is that you don’t have to be friends with a person in order to forgive them. If a person is truly toxic in your life they should not be there.”

    I agree – if someone is abusive, you can forgive them, but you don’t continue to allow them to abuse you.

    That said, it’s a drastic step, especially if you’re talking about relatives who are simply incredibly difficult to get along with, and not abusive.

    There was a five year period when I was having an extremely difficult time getting along with my mom. There were deep wounds. Talking about our issues did nothing – our fundamental differences on the issues that divided us were just too wide to bridge – and the “talks” we had always degenerated into ugliness.

    I wanted her to change to fit this idea I had about what kind of mom she should be to me and visa versa. I kept wanting to work things out, to make things o.k., so that we could have the dream relationship I thought we ought to have. Eventually I got tired of expending so much negative energy and drama over it. I wanted it to stop.

    The solution, for me, was to take a break for a few months – not by making a big dramatic scene, but by making excuses for missing some family activities.

    I had to realize my dream relationship was never going to happen, but that maybe we could have a different kind relationship. The next time we saw each other I decided to act like she was someone I barely knew – to be pleasant, to be polite and kind, to make small talk on neutral subjects, to just BE NICE, no matter the cost. To say something positive to her. To avoid any sore subjects. To expect nothing. At first she was suspicious and a little snarky, but after a while she realized I was trying, and she played along.

    For TWO YEARS we were polite strangers, and you know what? A combination of time and learning to relate to each other more as relief society type friends, less as mother/daughter, started to heal things. We learned to relate in a different way, to be kind to each other, to appreciate aspects of the other person we hadn’t really acknowledged before. And an actual relationship grew out of that. Actual forgiveness grew out of that.

    I never would’ve believed, seven years ago, that I would’ve ever said my mother was my very good friend, who I genuinely loved and appreciated and looked forward to visiting. I would’ve rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath. I would’ve told you she was toxic, but the truth is – our RELATIONSHIP was toxic. The way we interacted was toxic. We didn’t know how else to relate to each other. So we reframed our relationship and things eventually changed. I know that sounds very Pollyanna / Ensign / give-me-a-break, but it’s true.

    I just thought I’d throw that out there. My relationship with my mom was so painful, for so long – and now it brings me a lot of happiness. I know some people really are toxic, and working on the relationship won’t help things, but in some cases – it can.

19. Sue
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:32 am

    Egads. That really WAS long. {{shuffles away with red face}}

20. corktree
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:43 am

    I wish I knew how this applied to divorce relationships. My parents have been divorced for 8 years and my mom still can’t forgive my father. She knows that it poisons her but her circumstances have kept her close in proximity. And of course with children and grandchildren keeping them unwillingly connected, how do you cut off a relationship that you aren’t really obligated to maintain (the reason for divorce, no?)?. Even when she tries so hard to forget the past and move on, she slides backwards at the sight of him at a family gathering (blessings, graduations…) and it seems like she has to start all over again. I wish I could help her, though I know it isn’t my issue to deal with (as the oldest child I knew what was going on towards the end of their marriage and it was hard not to take sides).

    Maybe if the metaphor is extended and some people do really need to be cut off, that time really is the only answer because some wounds are so deep and ragged that they will take a LONG time to heal. It’s like a phantom limb…it’s gone, but sometimes you feel like it’s still there. I hope this will be true for my mom and that one day her ability to forgive will truly give her peace.

21. Roxie
    May 19th, 2009 @ 11:03 am

    I do not have an experience like this with a blood/marriage family member, but there is a member of God’s family who hates me in a way I’ve never seen before. She has openly stated that she doesn’t hate me, but that if I continue to live my life to find my happiness, she will hold a grudge against me for the rest of her life. (How that is different from hating someone, I’m not sure.) She hated me before she even knew me. In fact, she has hated me so much that she doesn’t know me.

    Love and forgiveness apply to all members of God’s family, not just those we are related to by law. And I struggle at times with how to react to her.

    I’ve decided I can’t live my life to make her happy, I have to live my life for me. But that also does not mean I need to go out of my way to flaunt my life in her face. I give her as much space as I can, but I’m not going to not live just so she can be at peace.

22. Christy
    May 19th, 2009 @ 11:07 am

    I have a difficult relationship with my MIL. She does not like my being LDS. My husband is not a member of my church and wants to have a good relationship with his parents. He knows she can be difficult and unreasonable at times. He knows that she has been unfair to me. He knows that I have every reason to write her out of my life. He wouldn’t blame me if I did, however, it would hurt him. And, if I am honest, it would hurt me too. I need the Lord’s help with this relationship. I fully expect (and receive) His help when I need it. I receive His help because I have promised Him that I will not dwell on the past hurts, but focus on what would really make me happy. And that is to have her with me and the rest of my family for eternity.

    I understand that there are relationships that require different decisions. We are currently struggling with my drug addicted nephew. These are definitely matters of much pondering and prayer. If you are not familiar with it, I highly recommend Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, especially the chapter on love and the story of the man and his father in-law.

    I wish you the best.

23. SilverRain
    May 19th, 2009 @ 11:12 am

    I would say, by experience, that the time to cut is when you can both cut and forgive*. Otherwise, you will be leaving infection behind.

    *Or when someone is in immediate, physical danger. That’s a little different.

24. Michaela Stephens
    May 19th, 2009 @ 11:19 am

    WARNING – LONG COMMENT, LOTS OF SCRIPTURES

    I’ve had some troubles with toxic relationships too. Here’s some comforting scriptures.

    Can anyone sympathize?

    Surely he hath borne our griefs,
    and carried our sorrows:
    yet we did esteem him stricken,
    smitten of God,
    and afflicted.
    (Isaiah 53:4,)

    Can no good come out of our bad treatment?

    The meek also shall increase their joy in the Lord,
    and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.
    (Isaiah 29:19)
    In righteousness shalt thou be established:
    thou shalt be far from oppression;
    for thou shalt not fear:
    and from terror;
    for it shall not come near thee.
    (Isaiah 54:14)

    It could be worse, but God protects us.

    I have put my words in thy mouth,
    and I have covered thee in the shadow of mine hand, [shielding from worse stuff]
    that I may plant the heavens,
    and lay the foundations of the earth,
    and say unto Zion, Thou art my people.
    (Isaiah 51:16)

    Does God care about this?

    15 Yea, truth faileth;
    and he that departeth from evil maketh himself a prey:
    and the LORD saw it,
    and it displeased him that there was no judgment.
    16 And he saw that there was no man,
    and wondered that there was no intercessor:
    therefore his arm brought salvation unto him;
    and his righteousness, it sustained him.
    17 For he put on righteousness as a breastplate,
    and an helmet of salvation upon his head;
    and he put on the garments of vengeance for clothing,
    and was clad with zeal as a cloke.
    (Isaiah 59:15-17)

    Will there be no compensation?

    For your shame ye shall have double;
    and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion:
    therefore in their land they shall possess the double:
    everlasting joy shall be unto them.
    (Isaiah 61:7)

    Will bullies escape punishment?

    According to their deeds, accordingly he will repay,
    fury to his adversaries,
    recompence to his enemies;
    to the islands he will repay recompence.
    (Isaiah 59:18)

    We’ve a responsibility to tell them to stop.

    17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper;
    and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.
    This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
    and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
    (Isaiah 54:17)

    Will they never realize their faults?

    And kings shall be thy nursing fathers,
    and their queens thy nursing mothers:
    they shall bow down to thee with their face toward the earth,
    and lick up the dust of thy feet;
    and thou shalt know that I am the LORD:
    for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me.
    (Isaiah 49:23)

    15 For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity,
    whose name is Holy;
    I dwell in the high and holy place,
    with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit,
    to revive the spirit of the humble,
    and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
    16 For I will not contend for ever,
    neither will I be always wroth:
    for the spirit should fail before me, and the souls which I have made.
    17 For the iniquity of his covetousness was I wroth,
    and smote him:
    I hid me,
    and was wroth,
    and he went on frowardly in the way of his heart.
    18 I have seen his ways,
    and will heal him:
    I will lead him also,
    and restore comforts unto him and to his mourners.
    19 I create the fruit of the lips;
    Peace, peace to him that is far off, and to him that is near, saith the LORD;
    and I will heal him.
    20 But the wicked are like the troubled sea,
    when it cannot rest,
    whose waters cast up mire and dirt.
    21 There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.
    (Isaiah 57:15-21)

    It’s tempting to not forgive, but we have to.

    19 If ye be willing and obedient, [to forgive]
    ye shall eat the good of the land:
    20 But if ye refuse and rebel
    ye shall be devoured with the sword:
    for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.
    (Isaiah 1:19-20)

25. Faith Not Fear
    May 19th, 2009 @ 11:19 am

    I am so grateful for the comments on forgiveness! It’s not always easy! But it is always freeing! (And Sue, your comment taught me a lot — no red-face necessary!)

    My thoughts go back to Doctrine & Covenants 42, where we are taught how to deal with offenses:
    88 And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled.

    Some problems can be resolved by simply explaining your feelings in a calm and loving way — many times people don’t know how we feel until we let them know.

    Other problems may require further action — similar to a church council — in that we may need a mediator, like a counselor, to help us discuss things that need to be resolved.

    Some things we must simply forgive (freeing our minds and hearts), and realize that they may never change.

    Then do what is best for your family OUT OF LOVE not revenge, including not bad-mouthing ex’s or formers. That was one thing I learned from my parents’ divorce — it doesn’t help anything!

    Most important is seeking to fill our hearts with love for all the people in our life, even the challenging ones! The Savior can and will help us with that! Remember Moroni 7:
    48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

26. QueenScarlett
    May 19th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm

    One of the best things I’ve heard was “Heavenly Father loves you, as you are, right now.”

    It’s true – no matter where we are in our progression – we are unconditionally loved.

    My husband has said that we can forgive without letting that person be a part of our life, if they’re harmful to us emotionally…etc.

    I’ve also learned that forgiveness isn’t something that occurs overnight. We need to give ourselves a break, recognize that these things take time, and allow ourselves to work through the process.

    The truth is…sometimes toxic people shouldn’t be in our lives. Especially when it comes to protecting our own little families.

27. mom of boys
    May 19th, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

    Sue said “I wanted her to change to fit this idea I had about what kind of mom she should be to me”

    You just described me.
    Everything would be okay if she would just be the way I want her to be, right?

    “I had to realize my dream relationship was never going to happen, but that maybe we could have a different kind relationship.”

    I think I’ll take your advice on that. I’ve never thought about giving up my ideal and going for something that, while different…works.

    My problem is that our personalities are like night and day so we just don’t see eye to eye on much. I’ve spent so much time wishing she would stop doing this, stop saying that, be more like this, treat me like that, and on and on that I’ve never taken the time to appreciate her for HER. Maybe if I tried to relate to her as RS friend instead of a mother, I could get to know her in a new way like you did.

28. Jennie
    May 19th, 2009 @ 1:03 pm

    Sue, great comment!

29. Blue
    May 19th, 2009 @ 1:11 pm

    at one point after arriving in the promised land, the nephites had to physically separate themselves from the lamanites. this was necessary for their preservation. i agree with sue who said it’s just so individualized that there’s no one answer that will help all. i’ve enjoyed the comments here, and can only add that if you get to the point where being in a relationship with someone is impeding your ability to function, to do what you need to do to progress, it’s time to realize that your #1 priority isn’t protecting that relationship. even if it’s a family member. that realization can give you the courage you need to take whatever steps you deem necessary in order for you to untangle yourself from the situation and start making personal progress.

    sometimes taking a break is the answer. but no one can guide you on your path better than the spirit…so follow your heart. you’ll probably know when you need to do something else.

    good luck! ♥

30. Plain Jame
    May 19th, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

    Oh how this hit home for me. I’m in the middle of a mess – a saga thats gone on since before I married my husband. His mother is messed up and he knows it. She’s manipulative. She lives in a home of a lady friend and also has her 36 year old son, and her 30 year old son living there with her too. She gathered many of her unmarried childless kids around with the intent to tell us that we were not parenting well. We left before much could be said and didn’t speak to her until a few weeks ago.
    Such as the mindless, awful communication they all experienced growing up before their dad divorced their mom (7 kids later), she came back into our lives on Easter and my husband did nothing to set down boundaries or ground rules. Now she calls and wants to come by and nothing has been said about hurt feelings and how insane that was. Husband and I have spoken about it, but it’s been a dead end. How do you communicate with someone that is mentally ill and has no accountability (her – not my husband)? Life was easier when we weren’t having to deal with them, and I had forgiven and not stewed over it any longer. My husband was content with no communication. Now I feel we have to protect our children from their nonsense, and also keep the spirit in our home. There is a wedding coming up – she’s never gone to any of her kids wedding because of her ex-husband and his new overbearing wife – but she says she’ll be at this one… I am stressing over whats to come in the future of all the drama. It doesn’t help that I am at a nonsense level with my irritability and feeling irrational, being 35 weeks pregnant. I almost don’t even want to go it’s so stressful to me…
    I’ve read over most of these comments and haven’t felt peace about my situation and what to do from this point. I’m really thankful for this post though, if nothing else, it’s helping me to see that I am definitely not alone in my situation!

31. jenny
    May 19th, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

    Sue, I love your comments and I love how you’ve accepted and changed your relationship with your mom. What a fantastic personal example of evaluation, contemplation and hard work.

    There are clearly no easy answers and each relationship is monumentally different. I myself have some not so good relationships. I’m just thinking about the amputation metaphor and this keeps coming back to me: most amputees experience phantom pain for the rest of their lives. Yes, absolutely, sometimes the amputation HAS to happen for the health of the amputee, but you might not ever be completely free from the pain that the relationship (or its absence) causes. Just a thought.

    This post is timely for me. I’ve had some unpleasant experiences just today. My heart aches for all of you experiencing similar situations.

32. jendoop
    May 19th, 2009 @ 6:01 pm

    Sometimes in the church we seek after the good so often and so diligently that we forget that this life is supposed to be hard! I’m not saying that it is good to put yourself in a position to be abused, but it is OK to have a difficult time with someone you only see once in a while. It is good to see this as an experience in which to grow.

    There are innumerable times in church settings that I’ve been in uncomfortable situations – been offended or have offended – how can you be a member of RS and not? But that doesn’t mean that anyone involved in the disagreement should have been excommunicated. When we talk about cutting someone off we need to remember that it is only for the most serious of offenses; not because they made life a little unpleasant for us. Most of those uncomfortable situations turned out to be growth opportunities for me.

    Remember when you talk about cutting someone out of your life it effects everyone around you also. How difficult would it make things for the rest of the family if you suddenly announced a severing? What kind of example are you setting for your children? And would it really not have an ounce of spite attached to it?

    Sue that was a great story, thank you for sharing it.

33. Melissa
    May 19th, 2009 @ 6:28 pm

    Jendoop, I agree with you. Of course the decision to sever a relationship would only be made under extreme circumstances. I really can’t imagine it being done with any spite–only great pain.

    Unpleasant situations with people are the stuff of life. We all have opportunities, many times each day, to refine ourselves through responding in a Spirit-filled way to those types of circumstances.

    This post was meant to address more extreme examples. While the relationship in my life is not necessarily abusive, it has caused a significant amount of pain for fifteen years. There is little hope that things will ever improve. I would not make the decision to sever ties suddenly, by myself, or without considering the effect on my children and others. Also, I do recognize that fifteen years is still a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme.

    Sue, I’m so happy that you have come to the place you’re at. Thank you for sharing.

    And thanks to everyone who has shared such tender feelings.

34. Michelle L.
    May 19th, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

    thanks for this beautiful post Melissa.

    I’m in the middle of healing my relationship with my mother right now(as you know from my blog) and it’s a truly miraculous thing. Like Sue said, I never imagined that things could get better. And they are oh-so-beautifully better.

    And now, with the Balm of Gilead healing my every pore, I’m looking at my estranged brother and begging God to help me find a way back to him. I know now that it will happen— it’s simply a matter of time, God’s time.

35. m&m
    May 19th, 2009 @ 10:58 pm

    These kinds of things are so hard.

    I agree that each situation is so different, and I believe only God can help us know what to do in different situations. When I faced something similar, I found a lot of strength, comfort, and insight by studying 1 Nephi with boundaries in mind. Nephi faced verbal and physical abuse, and there were various ways the Lord had him respond, including finally having him walk away. It illustrates that sometimes that will be the answer, but there was lots more there to ponder as well.

    I also am left wondering what the Savior meant by ‘offend’ — what would really justify actually cutting off a relationship? I don’t know. Something to ponder, perhaps. I get the sense that it may not just about offense in the way we talk about it; He refers a lot to cutting off something that could pull one down to hell. ?? Dunno…sort of mulling over that one.

    After 15 years, you have probably read and pondered a lot, but just in case these haven’t been on your list, I’m gonna include two books that have really helped me understand more about healthy boundaries:Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Group.

    Best to you as you sort through this.

36. Claudia
    May 20th, 2009 @ 7:01 am

    Your dilemma brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul. Cutting of relationships with family rarely makes the difficulties go away. You can put the persons out of your life, but you can’t put them out of your thoughts. In fact they will be there whether you want them there are not. Everyday you will think about them and wonder how they are. Holidays will be worse than ever because even though there is no more arguing over where to go or what to do there will be a memory and a longing that doesn’t easily pass. Most people who make this move reconcile within five years.

    Approaching family gatherings in a detached manner without deciding to use them to settle scores or argue about issues, just being a reporter can make them a lot easier. A good book to bury your nose in helps too.

    Hopefully you will find a safe and healing path.

37. tina
    May 20th, 2009 @ 9:49 am

    forgiveness and the cut-off are what worked for me. time too. perhaps with time the relationships i’ve ended will be renewed. but for now it’s healthier for our lives to be separate. it was so difficult at first. but i was prompted by the Spirit to sever the ties and then in turn get counseling, distance, & perspective that i wouldn’t have been able to get had i stayed in these destructive relationships. forgiveness is hard, but i realized forgiveness is more for me than for them. i wish them nothing but happiness and joy in their lives and i hope someday we can come together again. until then it was the right thing to do and doing it strengthened my testimony in following the Spirit (because at the time it felt so wrong. how do you walk away from your family when all we ever hear at church is family??) in all things, & when i do i have the reassurance i’m on the right path. good luck. i hope you find peace.

38. Plain Jame
    May 20th, 2009 @ 4:29 pm

    oooh tina, very good insight. I liked what you said: “perhaps with time the relationships i’ve ended will be renewed. but for now it’s healthier for our lives to be separate. it was so difficult at first. but i was prompted by the Spirit to sever the ties and then in turn get counseling, distance, & perspective that i wouldn’t have been able to get had i stayed in these destructive relationships.”
    So true, and great insight.
    Each situation is unique, and that we all may get a different answer from the Lord about our own situation. One may feel to sever the relationship, and another may get the inspiration to work on the relationship.
    I’ve decided to meet with my therapist that I saw last year after my mother-in-law held a parenting intervention for my husband and I. I have a lot of tender issues to deal with, and being 35 weeks pregnant doesn’t exactly help me out.

39. tina
    May 20th, 2009 @ 10:47 pm

    thanks plain jame. i totally believe in therapy. i saw a therapist from lds family services and it was nice how we worked through my “issues” within a gospel framework. talking it out with a pro, prayer, lots of time in the temple and following the Spirit were just the ticket for me. hope all goes well with your pregnancy. and go easy on yourself. i was seriously cuckoo near the end of my pregnancy–i don’t think husbands or anyone should take anything said by a very pregnant woman too seriously. and we should do the same for ourselves. dang hormones!

40. Scattered by nature
    May 22nd, 2009 @ 1:54 am

    I have a sister in law who has never liked me. I really don’t care. That’s her problem. I am me and I do what I do and that’s that. I believe when a person has a problem with you, it’s really about them. There is nothing you can do to help them. If you’ve said something that offends them that is really about them not you. We all interpret what we see and hear from a place that no one else can possibly know. Your life experience determines how you will receive what is said or done. How can I possibly be responsible for that? Now if you are being mean and you mean to be mean, well that’s different. You need to apologies for your unkindness.

41. Merry Michelle
    May 22nd, 2009 @ 12:29 pm

    Like all of you, I have also had some “toxic” relationships in my life. I had a mission companion who would not let me open the fridge, touch the phone, take a shower (without her “permission”), or speak during discussions. Screaming, force, and tense conflict was her form of communication. Her pure hatred for me was palatable and thick. It was one of the hardest times of my life. Later, I realized she had a promiscuous father, a brother in jail, and same-sex struggles which continue to this day.

    While I can’t say we hang out every weekend, I have communicated with her since the mission. I have forgiven her with Heavenly Father’s help, and I more able to see her side of the story and have compassion.

    Some “toxic” relationships of mine have been healed, some have not. The most important thing for me is to pray with sincerity, study God’s word, and feel his shield of peace around me–so that whatever situation or conflict I am faced with I can still be full of peace.

42. Angie
    May 22nd, 2009 @ 2:28 pm

    I have this kind of situation going on right now in my ward. We served in the primary together (she was the primary counselor over music, and I am the chorister), and our personalities clashed so much. I had the feeling that I was her worst nightmare, and that she was learning all kinds of life lessons through me – and not in the warm fuzzy way! The whole thing makes me sad, and also mad at both of us. What a waste of energy and resources!! We’re united in wanting to serve kids, and fighting over the “correct” way to do it. It’s embarrassing, frankly, but I’ve noticed that any interaction I have with her (including standing near her) causes both of us to be very tense, and nothing I’ve tried seems to help resolve this.

    Maybe it’s biological – you know, like on nature shows where one lioness bristles and growls at another the first time they meet? And they are sworn enemies from then on?

43. Motherboard
    May 26th, 2009 @ 9:08 am

    I loved what Sue said. I need to re-evaluate my difficult/painful relationship that I have with my Mother, and see if I can’t find some sort of “middle” ground… A different kind of ground to stand on that will work for both of us.

    I also loved what Melissa said about how this toxic relationship is forcing me to live my Faith. I had never thought of that before… but it is true. The trick is doing that, and getting caught up in the “she said/she said” drama.

    Thank you for writing this… it has given me something to ponder on.

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