Comments on: Will Work for Food….I mean, Feedback

By: Angie

Angie — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 23:00:55 +0000

I think it would become a burden to my children if I expected them to fulfill my every need. I don’t want them to have that sense of obligation. I also think that seeing me interested in various things and contributing in various ways is good modeling.

The tricky part is how quickly those various things can suck time and mental focus away from the family. I have had to commit and recommit to keeping my family at the center. There is a big difference in the quality of what I do as I mother when i allow myself the time and mental space to plan and reflect on what I’m doing instead of functioning in survival mode.

I also find that I enjoy mothering, and homemaking, more when I take the time to do them well.

By: jenica

jenica — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:01:05 +0000

i don’t think that the lord wants drones. i think that the lord expects us to use our talents. i think that every woman should seek out education (pres. monson encouraged this in our last RS conference). i do think that women are the primary caretakers, but does this mean that you can’t ever have a bath on your own? does this mean that if you spend a few hours outside of the house doing whatever you need to replenish yourself, that you’re a bad mama? NO! i think it means that as women with tender hearts we are better at sensing the needs of our children. we are better at encouraging our childrens growth on a daily basis. just follow the spirit and let go of guilt. i believe that our heavenly father wants strong, happy, educated, talented women!

By: cchrissyy

cchrissyy — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:56:25 +0000

I don’t think it’s exactly the outside feedback. I am a mom at home and I’m self-employed, and I find that tremendously validating and exciting and rewarding. I just don’t think it is the “others” who make work validating. You don’t need a boss’s feedback when you can see for yourself the quality of your work. You don’t need a performance review or raise when you’re exceeding your own financial targets. Self-employed people still hear how they’re doing by the praise or concerns of your customers, clients, mentors, and suppliers.

Maybe it’s a personality difference, and some of us are more motivated internally and suited to working along, and some of us are motivated more by our social interactions and work best under direction. In any case, I know I was not such a happy, confident, patient person when I didn’t have the ambitious goals to meet, the demanding projects, the occasional business crises, the knowledge that my resume is anything but stale. All that stuff gives me energy and confidence, and that makes me a better mom.

By: m&m

m&m — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 19:20:35 +0000

When a prophet says â€œprimarily responsible for nurtureâ€ we read â€œdonâ€™t do anything but nurtureâ€ or when he says â€œfathers provide the means for the homeâ€ we read â€œfathers and no one elseâ€. Similarly, itâ€™s easy to take â€œspend some time for youâ€ and push it to â€œdo whatever you want to doâ€. No extreme is healthy.

I think this was a key message in the Worldwide Training. I am sensing more and more that our leaders are reminding us that it is their job to teach the general principles, and our job to get the specific answers. That means that the responsibility for finding the balance lies with us, and so does the responsibility for our choices in that regard. I agree with SilverRain that going to extremes is a natural thing to do, and it’s living with the Spirit that can help us find the balance we need to have.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:21:00 +0000

Wow, this has been an amazing discussion. Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and wisdom shared about your own experiences. Silver Rain, I think there is a lot of truth to your comments about how our nature is to interpret certain principles spoken of, in an extreme way. Very insightful.

Thank you! This has been most helpful for me, and hopefully for all of us.

By: SilverRain

SilverRain — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:43:04 +0000

I don’t think it’s Church culture alone that drives us to these sorts of attitudes. Most of us are pretty strong people. I don’t think many of us would let our opinions be solely dictated by the opinions of those around us. However, I think it’s human nature to take counsel within ourselves and push it to extreme. So often when things are pinned on Church culture, it is the perception of the speaker which may be at least equally at fault. When a prophet says “primarily responsible for nurture” we read “don’t do anything but nurture” or when he says “fathers provide the means for the home” we read “fathers and no one else”. Similarly, it’s easy to take “spend some time for you” and push it to “do whatever you want to do”. No extreme is healthy.

If you are living the gospel, the Spirit can help you balance all of that. We can’t know the future, but God can. That’s why we need His help deciding what is bestâ€”even if that decision hurts us in the short term.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:05:52 +0000

One more thought–a friend threw this out to me as we were discussing going back to work. She has a 4 month old, and she is the primary bread winner in her family. She has been able to take an extended leave of absence, but that is coming to an end. She said she would love to even have the choice to stay home, but she doesn’t. I don’t know what kind of arrangement she is going to make, but she said to me, “If you don’t HAVE to work, don’t. Your baby won’t be a baby forever, and if you can financially swing it, stay home.” Not having choices changes the perspective somewhat, and I feel very blessed that I am in the position to choose to stay home. Sometimes I forget that in a lot of ways, it is a luxury.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:01:13 +0000

I love being a mom. I feel so blessed being able to have these little people in my home. And sometimes I want to yell, “Would you just leave me ALONE for 5 minutes, please?”

Motherhood is all consuming, and I think some of us long for different things because quite simply, we need a break. DH doesn’t like to work long hours, and when I worked, I didn’t like it either. Nobody likes to do the same thing day in day out, and there is nothing so repetitive as a mother’s days who is in charge of small children.

I don’t like being away from my children for long periods of time. I almost had a panic attack when we took a trip to London for a week and left my then 12 month old with my mother. However, short breaks are fabulous, whether it be to work from home, work a little while kids are at school, or just go to a book group. Everybody needs a mental health break from the daily grind.

By: Wendy

Wendy — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 22:53:31 +0000

I love the time and season aspect of this, Kylie. Thanks for bringing it up!

By: m&m

m&m — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:29:50 +0000

I might as well throw in Ecclesiastes 3:1, which is what helped me decide about my personal mothering/working balance: â€œTo every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.â€

Pres. Faust talked about this as well. We live in a culture that tries to suggest that we can have it all all at once. It’s just not so. But I’m amazed already at how different seasons bring different opportunities. Sometimes that means being patient through certain seasons…and trying to enjoy the seasons while they are there. As much fun as I’m having, I still sometimes miss their littleness. That proverbial ‘they grow up so fast’ really is so true. I’m trying to savor the stages more and more because I realize how quickly they really do go. It just doesn’t always feel that way when they are sooo little.