“You live in Utah now, put on some clothes”

Posted by Shelah | June 29, 2009 | 17 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, the day finally arrived when our belongings would be delivered to our new house in Utah. The truck was scheduled to arrive at the house between 9:00-9:30, so I got up before the sun, tossed on my running shorts, and headed out the door. By the time I got back to my in-laws’ house, where I was staying, I was worried about rush-hour traffic. So instead of showering, I threw my bags in the car and headed up to the new house. If we beat the traffic, there’d be plenty of time to shower before the truck arrived. Miraculously, there was no traffic, and we arrived at the house a full hour before the movers were scheduled to show up. But when we turned the corner onto our street, there they were, waiting for us in the driveway, eager to start working.

So instead of warming up with a hot shower and a pair of jeans, I stood in the drizzle on the driveway for the next four or five hours, shivering in my running shorts, checking off numbered boxes as the rolled off the truck. Pretty soon, a steady stream of neighbors started to come by the house, introducing themselves as the Scoutmaster, the Bear Den leader, the former owner’s mother, and the Visiting Teaching Coordinator.

Each time, I suppressed an inward groan as someone else showed up, and found myself apologizing for my shivering, immodest, hairy-legged state:

“Sorry, I didn’t have a chance to shower this morning.”

“I don’t usually dress like this.”

“They showed up earlier than I thought they would.”

In Texas, I never would have dreamed of apologizing to the neighbors for my running shorts. In Texas, I never would have shivered on a June morning. In Texas, I hardly knew my next-door neighbors’ first names.

I don’t feel bad about what I wear for exercise, but I’m starting to realize that maybe I hang around in my shorts and tank tops longer than is strictly necessary. Most mornings, when I get back into the house after a run, I’m met at the door by one kid who wants a drink, another one who needs a new pull up, and a sink full of dishes and unmade beds calling to me from every bedroom. Usually the last thing on my mind is getting into the shower and more modest clothing. Here, I’m embarrassed when I take out the trash mid-morning, hours after I’ve gotten back from my run, and say hi to my neighbors in my barely-there shorts. But maybe I should be embarrassed. Maybe my embarrassment is a subtle nudge to do better in this part of my life.

Last night, after Sunday family dinner in the dining room, after Family Home Evening, my DH turned on a PBS documentary about giant squids for the boys. I was sweeping up from the floor 90% of a piece of cake my four-year-old had “eaten” for a treat. We heard a knock at the door. We’ve heard more unexpected knocks at the door in the last three weeks than we did our entire four years in Texas. Last night it was a neighbor family, members of the ward with kids close in age to ours, bearing brownies. I apologized for the mess as I took showed them around the house, apologized for the tv blaring in the family room, and once I was finally done apologizing, had a great time talking to them.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been so impressed by the kindness and friendliness of our neighbors here. I’ve never lived in a place (other than BYU) where my ward members and my neighbors were the same people, and these people have really gone out of their way to make us feel welcomed. If I can just stop apologizing right and left, I think I’ll be really happy here.

But first, I need to go take a shower…

Category: Daily Special

Comments

17 Responses to ““You live in Utah now, put on some clothes””

FoxyJ
June 29th, 2009 @ 10:51 am

I envy you your ward. We moved to Utah a few weeks ago and have yet to feel like any of our neighbors/ward members have welcomed us. A few have said hello at church, but when I tried to introduce myself to our neighbor across the fence he looked at me like I was crazy. I haven’t been proactive either since I’m newly pregnant and feeling overwhelmed by the move, but I think it’s funny that your ward sounds like more like my California ward than my Utah one.
Jenny
June 29th, 2009 @ 10:56 am

I catch myself apologizing for MANY things, and have tried really hard in the last year to stop it. REAL life is not something we should feel compelled to apologize for; anymore than we want to be apologized TO when we encounter someone else living a real life moment. Although good manners are always appropriate, we shouldn’t feel bad for living in the moment. Good for you for wanting to do better! I’m striving for that, too. In the meantime, thanks for keeping it real.
wendy
June 29th, 2009 @ 11:59 am

I’ve been working on the no apologizing idea, too. I like Jenny’s explanation. A friend came over the other day and when I apologized for a mess, she said, “Don’t apologize! It makes me feel like I’m not your friend!” I think she’s right on about that.
Faith.Not.Fear
June 29th, 2009 @ 12:05 pm

Shelah — you are so lucky!

To those of you whose ward doesn’t feel inviting or welcoming, ask to speak in Sacrament Meeting! It can help break the proverbial ice .

Each ward is different, each with its blessings and challenges.

Some bishops I have felt close to, others more distant, not because they weren’t good bishops, but because of the timing — some helped us through hard times, others we didn’t need to call upon as much so our relationships were different.

Watch for the “kindred spirits,” the angels that you’ll connect with right away — some of mine are on this blog! They can help make the transition easier.

And watch for ways you can be that “angel” — maybe the ward needs you more than you know!
Mom in the Mountains
June 29th, 2009 @ 12:32 pm

This post just makes me nervous! Hahaha… I am leaving “one of those ward” like the one you just moved into, and into a branch in a small town. My current ward has been exceptional. I have made some of the best friends I have ever had, have a great support system in place with the RS, and this ward has been more active in doing things together than any ward I have ever been in. I’ve only met a couple of people from my new branch, and one of them is in my ward now. We move on Friday. This ward has been such an amazing ward, and I really hate to leave it, although it’s for the betterment of my husband’s career and our lives. But now I get to start over. I am hoping and praying it will be like my ward now, and not like a couple of the wards I’ve lived in in the past where I felt rather invisible. I hope someone’s ready to be the “friendly” neighbor, because I’m going to need one! ANd I’ll try to be that neighbor too…
Miller
June 29th, 2009 @ 1:02 pm

sigh. this post made me sad. apologies are not for the everyday aspects of our lives, they are deeper and more meaningful and should not be tossed off to deflect attention from aspects of our lives where we feel inadequate or judged.
Lulubelle
June 29th, 2009 @ 2:17 pm

I wouldn’t worry about apologizing for what you’re wearing– ever. What you wear is your choice and you owe no one an explanation at all. As for a messy house… if someone shows up uninvited or unannounced, it’s they who should apologize– not you. I have a friend marches around her backyard in her bikini bottoms and no top at all. While her yard is very private, if her neighbors really wanted to be snoopy, they could get an eye full. And if they do, it’s not her fault– it’s theirs.
m&m
June 29th, 2009 @ 4:43 pm

I am working on not apologizing, either. It’s hard, but I realize that I have to learn to be comfortable in my own life, with my own weaknesseses and trials.

I think by not apologizing, too, we can exhibit confidence in the people around us — that maybe they aren’t all judging us as harshly as we worry that they might be.

I like how this post, though, explores how sometimes we can take our fears of what others might think and look inward to think, “Should I, could I do better?” I think confidence and being comfortable w/ one’s self is important, but so is being willing to be humble, look inward and make changes where needed.
Justine
June 29th, 2009 @ 5:32 pm

FoxyJ, you’re back in Utah!? Welcome back! And congrats on the pregnancy. Sorry you’ve had an icy reception. Wards are their own animals sometimes.

I always feel compelled to dismiss the proclivities of my family life. I’ve been much better recently about not apologizing for everything, and it’s made me so much happier.

Glad to have you in this neck of the woods!
FoxyJ
June 29th, 2009 @ 6:09 pm

Justine–I feel special that you are excited that I’m here. Now I’m blushing. Maybe we’ll have to get together sometime, hopefully I’ll be feeling more social in a few weeks or so.

I’ve also been working on not apologizing so much. I think we should be aware of making others comfortable, but sometimes apologies draw more attention to things than ignoring them would.
jendoop
June 29th, 2009 @ 7:15 pm

FJ I think you’re right, apologizing brings more attention to it. Plus, that’s just the way real life is- messy, unorganized, and short (as in the shorts you were wearing.. sorry DH’s puns are rubbing off on me).

At the heart of this is why I feel uncomfortable every time I am in Utah and why I hesitate to even imagine moving back – judgement. When people around us know our personal standards we try to overcome our inadequacies by judging that others aren’t doing so hot either. It is a losing game, but still one that many people have to work to overcome – including me. It is easier to focus on what I need to do and ignore my neighbor’s flaws if we’re in essence playing a different game. Then there just isn’t much to compare. My personal struggles remain between myself and the Lord, as they in large part, should be.

I hope your desire to take a shower more quickly is more about your relationship with the Lord than pleasing your neighbor. Because in one of those relationships you’ll always end up lacking.
Melib
June 29th, 2009 @ 9:10 pm

That’s the tough thing about Utah – are you Mormon because you want to be or because you are embarrased by being human? Yes, the ward is very supportive but it’s always there and it’s always watching – that’s not a good reason to adjust your behavior.
Josi
June 29th, 2009 @ 10:23 pm

It was so nice to hear that your experience was so nice! I’ve lived in Utah all my life, there are quirks, but I get tired of people moving here and then being so critical of us. There’s so much talk about utah mormon’s being ‘judgemental’ but aren’t us Utah mormons being ‘judged’ but those same people? We’re good people and we do try, but we’re not perfect. We sometimes fall into the herd mentality like any other predominant group in any area, we get a lot of turnover in our wards and it’s hard to keep up or remember who is new this month–but we’re not horrible judgmental people, really, we’re not. Just like everyone else we are trying to do our best and trying to please the Lord and trying to keep our head above water most of the time.

So, welcome to Utah! We’re glad to have you!
FoxyJ
June 30th, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

I’ve actually lived in Utah for a number of years and never felt much judgement in any of the wards I’ve been in. If nothing else, they’ve mostly been like this ward I just moved into–a little standoffish at first. I think so much depends on your neighborhood or area that you are in. Utah is a pretty diverse place and there are many types of people here.
Sage
July 1st, 2009 @ 5:50 am

The best part of your post was that no one actually said the title of it to you! That said, the point you were making, I think, is that you said that to yourself and that made you feel just as bad as if someone had said it! I like what others have said about using that voice to make a change, but to be more motivated by your relationship with God than by a sense that you have to live up to your neighbors’ expectations. I think the Lord put us on earth with other people, though, so we would have some of tha social pressure to be the best we can be. We have to watch carefully so that pleasing the crowd isn’t our motivation or a source of pride, but just a nudge to help us reach for where we want to be. I grew up feeling a bit proud that I didn’t care what others thought of me, but as I’ve “matured” I think that this attitude prevented me from creating lasting friendships (but that’s another story).
Shelah
July 1st, 2009 @ 8:42 am

Sage– You’re right, no one is telling me to put on clothes but me and my own guilty conscience. It’s just something I notice more now that my neighbors are LDS, not necessarily pressure I feel because anyone is putting on me.

I’m also glad I’m not the only one who apologizes when I don’t need to or shouldn’t. I think “sorry” is one of the words that comes out of my mouth the most frequently. And I agree with Miller that apologizing constantly in some ways takes the power out of an apology. Is that something else I should feel guilty about?
Jennie
July 2nd, 2009 @ 8:24 am

I’m just the opposite of you, Shelah. I hated my chilly Utah neighbors and moved to Texas for some friendliness. Sounds like you totally lucked out!