Your Own Tree of Life Vision
Posted by Catherine A. | September 27, 2012 | 14 Comments
I wake to the sound of rain on the roof. My husband pulls me close, wraps his arm around my waist, and we stay there for a moment, linked in the stillness. I look at my alarm clock, ready to blare, and anticipate the rush. Shower, get the girls moving, make breakfast, pack a lunch, find raincoats. The list is already forming, raking my bones into motion, but under the routine of combing hair and pouring milk, flows a current of instability – an uncertainty that gnaws deep in my belly. So deep I can hide it most of the time. But the longer it stays, the more it seems to move in permanently, smother my peace. I don’t know where or when we will buy a place of our own, a place I can fully unpack, plant a garden, sink roots like we’re going to stay.
I stand in front of the mirror and examine my face. I look tired, feel tired, and as I wash my hands, I remember Eliza’s eyes the night before. The conversation we had about her seven-year old life, her desire to read two verses of scripture instead of one.
Her face replaces mine in the mirror and I see her lips, her hazels, alert and furtive, as she tells me she wants to illustrate children’s books, oh! and be a mother, and “isn’t it sad, Mom, that you’re the only one who’s read my first book?”
I sat on the edge of her bed, amused at her innocence, listening and wondering what kind of joys and challenges will find her, who her friends will be, how she will remember her childhood home.
I watch her eyes. His light is there. He abides in her, and I remind myself again, it doesn’t matter what we possess, only what we become.
But the stuff of mortality is always with us. Decisions must be made, and I can’t help but think of where we will move, my husband’s career, schools, professional pursuits, what kind of a mother I want to be, and as I do, my desire to hear God’s voice swells.
So I revisit the notes I took while listening to Tina Peterson speak at an event sponsored by the Mormon Women Project last June. You may remember Tina from this post – a topic that sparked such a buzz she was asked to present a second session. Tina graciously allowed the audience to select the topic of discussion, and it became apparent after several questions, we were going to talk about personal revelation. How we receive it, and why.
I thought you might be interested in what I learned during Tina’s presentation.
- God is always talking. You cannot stop the flow of revelation except by your own choice not to listen.
- Consider any dead time you have in a day. How are you spending it? Are you spending it learning to walk with the Lord? Your time with God, particularly in the scriptures, is like your personal urim and thummim. Content is important, but even more important are the impressions you receive regarding your personal life while reading or listening.
- Pray before reading that God will tell you what you need to know.
- Write down impressions, stop and pray about them, then ask, “Is there more?”
- The catch to personal revelation is being willing before you ask, to do whatever it is the Lord tells you.
- When we don’t follow God’s instructions for us, we must earn back our ability to commit to him. If we don’t act, we miss out. And over time God has nothing more to say to us. He won’t talk if we refuse to follow.
- Can the scriptures be addictive? Considering the previous post you might think yes. But the answer is actually, no. God will never infringe on our agency or compel us. Nothing from God is addictive. We can make scripture study a habit, so much that it becomes a natural part of our day – something we long for – but truth and light will never overload us as addiction does. Instead, God’s words increase our peace.
- Our multi-tasking and list-making (natural coping mechanisms to function in today’s world) must be subdued so we can slow down and hear. Unless we train our brains to listen, when we try to be quiet, our brain will say, “what next?” Sometimes we may think Satan is trying to distract us, but it is likely our own lack of practice that prevents us from hearing. If you can point your finger at Satan, it is probably not him. He is too subtle. But if he can override our sensibilities by bombarding us with a deluge of images and quick information, he can impair our moral judgment, diminish our agency.
Tina then explained that the difference between Nephi and his brothers was that Nephi desired. He wanted to see what his father had seen. So he asked. And he received (1 Nephi 11: 1-3). Desire, Tina said, affects the synapses in the brain, clears the way for new information, and can actually change neurological patterns.
So the question is, “What do you want to know?”
In ancient texts, when an individual received a tree of life vision, three things were shared. Something about their posterity, something about their personality, and finally, what God wanted them to do.
“So what about you?” Tina asked. “Have you asked for your own tree of life vision?”
There was a rhetorical silence. “And why not?” Tina queried, as if she already knew the answer.
She continued,
“God talks to all of his children, according to their level of knowledge. He doesn’t give us revelation solely to get us back to him. He gives us revelation to show us the greatest path of joy.”
After reading this, I stepped out into the rain, kissed my girls goodbye, and looked up at the clouded mountain with new faith. I felt as Peter when the Lord asked him, “Will ye also go away?” And Peter responded, “Lord, to whom shall [I] go? Thou hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).
There is only Christ, and I am going to trust Him, believe He can give me my own vision, my own tree of life.
Does fear ever inhibit your asking, because you are afraid of what you might have to do? What have you learned about personal revelation? And what about desire? How do you think it affects our ability to hear and learn spiritually?
Artwork: Lehi’s Vision of the Tree of Life by Jill Spurlock
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14 Responses to “Your Own Tree of Life Vision”
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September 27th, 2012 @ 7:29 am
I like this, “He [God] won’t talk if we refuse to follow.” It might seem as if God is being spiteful, turning his back on a disobedient child. In reality he is keeping us from coming under greater condemnation. If he continues to give us revelation, we are responsible for it. We are judged according to the light and knowledge we have, if he continues to reveal truth which we don’t act on our burden of sin increases. Just an little amazing example of how good and loving God really is.
I disagree with one little point, “If you can point your finger at Satan, it is probably not him. He is too subtle.” Satan uses every tactic in the book, subtle, overt, yelling, flashy, quiet, even lies mingled with scripture. He throws the whole toolbox at us because these are the last days, he’s running out of time, and he’s desperate. Never underestimate him!
Yes, I have definitely refrained from asking because I was afraid of what I might have to do. But, even that I take to God; sharing my fear and asking for help to get to where I can ask with real intent.
Your mention of sincerity is great, it is vital to continuing revelation. Which is why our journey cannot be a lackadaisical affair. Every day must be lived with real intent, as Moroni taught. (Shameless plug here for a new site I’m involved with, RealIntent.org)
September 27th, 2012 @ 8:38 am
This will be slightly off-topic, but I wanted to comment on your yearning for “permanance.” For the first 30 years of our marriage, I knew that “here” was temporary. My husband’s job required that we would move, on a random schedule. At first, that wasn’t bad–I liked the adventure. Children complicated it, and a couple of moves were very difficult for them. I learned from a wise woman, however, that you should just jump into the new place as though you are going to be there forever. Plant the garden. Join the PTA. Volunteer to do things. Introduce yourself and ask to help. That advice made all the difference and every place has felt like home. Everywhere we lived we met lifelong friends. Temporary can seem permanent if you burrow in where you are and act permanent. Maybe that was my revelation. Maybe God was speaking through my friend.
September 27th, 2012 @ 8:38 am
Jendoop – I appreciate your extended insight into God’s “silence” (if we can call it that). I agree, when we refuse to listen, his pause in speaking is a measure of his mercy and love for us. Beautiful. Thank you.
Let me offer some clarification to the Satan reference, which was given in context to the line above it about being distracted when we try to read. A woman attending the session asked Tina why it is that every time she sits down to study she feels bound, like she is unable to read her scriptures – alluding to the fact that it might be the Adversary.
Tina suggested that much of the time, our own weaknesses or lack of practice keep us from focusing. Satan (meaning himself – his direct power) is not that overt. He is much more subtle. She mentioned how he has so many people working for him that don’t even believe in him. And my experience with his influence actually supports Tina’s statement. I can only think of one time when I was confronted directly with his power. The other times it is only in retrospect that I realize how slyly he has worked his way into my thoughts. To say he is subtle is not to say his tactics aren’t powerful. Just the opposite. It is his surreptitious nature that makes his blow so deadly. Like Nephi says, he “cheateth their souls and leads them carefully down to hell.” So yes, we can never underestimate him. Thanks for starting off the discussion Jendoop.
September 27th, 2012 @ 8:45 am
jkfrome – “Maybe that was my revelation. Maybe God was speaking through my friend.” So very beautiful. Thank you for hearing my angst as a medium for this post. Not off topic at all! We have been renting for four years in a neighborhood where we desperately want to buy a home. Nothing is working out and I am beginning to think what I want isn’t going to align with the Lord’s will for us. I am trying to be open. I have gone the route of temporary permanence as you put it. Shelled out money for flowers and new paint, worked on the yard. But it’s hard to keep putting money into someone else’s house. I can’t imagine how you did it for thirty years! We have several friends who work for the state dept and manage similar lives. I admire them. And you. Thanks for your understanding comment. I appreciate it so much.
September 27th, 2012 @ 12:28 pm
It is interesting to me how our mortal needs and concerns can so easily drown out the spirit. Once we went to the Alberta temple on our way to a camping trip. B/c the temple was 3 hours from our home and we had small children, we decided to set up our tent trailer in a park so we’d have a place for the kids to rest and play while we took turns in the temple. My husband had started to set up the tent trailer but couldn’t find a very necessary support pole before I had to leave for my turn in the temple. The whole time I was in the temple that pole was front and center in my thoughts–despite my best efforts to push it out. I prayed and prayed that he would find it (or that someone would be inspired to walk an identical pole over to him in the park) b/c I had no idea HOW we were going to camp with six young children and me very pregnant with the 7th (do NOT ask me why I was going camping at that point!
) Finally at the end of the session, after mentally wrestling about that stupid pole for nearly two hours these words came into my mind–”I am aware of your temporal needs” along with a very reassuring feeling of not being alone in dealing with those needs. Even now, a number of years later I feel overwhelmed when I think about that experience. There was no promise that we would find the pole (we did) but to know that the Lord was aware of us and our needs was very comforting. I have thought back on that impression MANY times when other pressing “temporal needs” have threatened to drown everything else out. It has been a great source of strength and comfort to realize that no matter where we go or what we do, He is aware of us, loves us and will help us.
September 27th, 2012 @ 9:44 pm
Oh, Cath, I needed this one today. I’m not sure I want to think about it, which means I probably do. Working to be in the right place for continuing revelation is such hard work. HARD. But worth it, right?
I have had three times in my life that I was told to do things I very much did not want to do. I tried to fight the revelations for a time, but finally submitted, and have found that while hard times came as a result, they were times that shaped and formed me and created a more compassionate, more humble heart.
I have also had times when God has given me the blessing of an unexpected yes or an unexpected no to a question. Once, I assumed He would expect me to have a baby as soon as I was healthy again after my second. I was so stressed about it, and felt so overwhelmed. I was too scared to ask for personal revelation on this decision because I just didn’t think I could do it, but I thought it was what He would want me to do. Finally I decided I had to know and asked and had the most delicious “no, you’re really not supposed to have a baby right now. Really.” answer. Oh, I felt cherished.
My belief (and my experience proves it) is that the Lord will give us revelation upon revelation, inspiration upon inspiration, when we prepare ourselves appropriately. It’s hard to find the quiet time to submerse myself prayerfully in the scriptures, but that is when I find my answers. I LOVE the idea that God is always talking, and I can tap into that whenever I prepare myself for it.
Thanks again.
September 29th, 2012 @ 11:02 am
Catherine, this is lovely. I hang on God’s every word, moment by moment. He IS always speaking to us and I seem to have the hardest time hearing when I think I know what He SHOULD say, but it’s not actually what He IS saying. Like Kerri’s baby story above. To be completely open, to shed our cultural/mortal training seems key to understanding divine things. And deep desire, yes! — that in-your-bones longing for God, who is our Home.
September 30th, 2012 @ 1:21 am
Hi Cath- it’s been a long time- too long!- since we’ve seen each other but I appreciated reading your words tonight. I appreciated your expressions of faith during a time of personal waiting and wondering and challenge. I feel we all, each of us, will have periods of trials but it is the question “How long will this last? Is this Heavenly Father’s will for me or do I need to make a change?” That resonates with me. I developed Type 1 Diabetes while on the mission and was diagnosed shortly after returning home. I had big plans for my life and I was not going to let this minor irritation stop me in anyway- but it has in lasting ways. I was going to go to law school and save the world! But the Spirit told me very, very clearly not to pursue this course and become a teacher instead. Fortunately, I listened and now married, with two beautiful boys, I am still a teacher- But I’m sad, and angry, and very, very disappointed that I’m still working when all I want to do is be home with my children. My husband wants me home, my kids want me home, and that’s all I want, but even though my husband has a great career as a structural engineer, his job provides subpar health insurance that will not even come close to providing the care I need. So I keep working, not for money, or status, or professional pursuits, but because of healthcare. I wonder how long will this be my fate? How can I change it? And is this really the Lord’s will for me? It’s hard to feel gratitude when I’m battling sadness and anger and frustration. But i am grateful that the Lord lead me down a path that would allow me to have access to healthcare that we need and my husband’s job does not provide even if its not my favorite way. I’m not sure you wanted to hear all that but thanks for letting me share! So, again, I appreciated reading your words tonight. I hope you find what you are looking for and everything works out for all of us- on the Lord’s timeline with our faith held strong and close to our hearts.
September 30th, 2012 @ 9:13 am
Catherine, thank you so very much for sharing some of Tina’s insights here. Her wisdom seriously changed my scripture study months ago when you shared it. The follow-up presentation contains so much to think about too.
I have more I want to write to you about this. I will e-mail my thoughts instead. One of my favorite scriptures the past few months is found in the Doctrine and Covenants 59:4: “And they shall also be crowned with blessings from above, yea, and with commandments not a few, and with revelations in their time”, the last phrase being my favorite part. Sometimes, it seems the wandering and waiting are an integral part of our mortal experience….I’ve been thinking about that idea a lot the last several months. I think of all the people in the scriptures and Church History who spent years in their own personal wildernesses, waiting for God’s will to be manifested to them.
I love you, friend.
September 30th, 2012 @ 10:31 am
This is so what I needed to be reminded of. Your story at the beginning was beautiful.
September 30th, 2012 @ 10:43 pm
Ana of the nine (have I mentioned before that I love your user name) – your story was very comforting to me. “I am aware of your temporal needs.” I will believe this and think on it often. Thank you so much.
Kerri – I am so grateful for your perspective. A unique one, in that sometimes the answer is a relief. I chuckled over your story. Similar to a time Doug and I were asked to teach early morning seminary, soon after we’d had our twin girls, and I just couldn’t wrap my brain around how we were going to do it. We felt like it wasn’t right. Before we had to tell the Bishop no, he came over and told us no first. We both had received the same revelation. And I was so grateful. Thanks for sharing your experience here. And these lines are prudent; they comforted me: “I LOVE the idea that God is always talking, and I can tap into that whenever I prepare myself for it.”
Lisa – I always feel swept up by your words. Shedding that cultural training is a great description. And “in your bones-longing for God” is a phrase I understand well, resonate with. You are dear. Thanks for leaving a comment.
September 30th, 2012 @ 11:13 pm
Marissa – oh my goodness, dear long lost missionary companion! Yes, it has been far too long! I was so moved by your sharing here. My heart leapt out for you. I don’t think I knew you developed diabetes on the mish. And what a hard road you have plowed and are still plowing. I do not know but can imagine your longing, as well as the longing for your children and husband to have you home. It is so difficult when what we want just isn’t made available to us. I do believe, however, that the Lord hears our longings, every pleading, and is at work all the time for our benefit and happiness. (DC 98 – “thine prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabbath and they shall be answered.”) And like the people of Alma, sometimes the burden is lightened and we are made capable rather than delivered.
I will be thinking of you. Sending your wishes heavenward and hoping (as you said) we can find what we are looking for… along the Lord’s timeline. Your expressions of devotion and faith here were a beautiful gift. I love you.
Anne Marie – Tina has altered my thinking about and studying of spiritual matters in huge ways. I too am so grateful for her. That phrase from DC 59 is so apt. “revelations in their time…” Thank you. I’m going to study that section, and I would love to hear any further insights you have. You are a compassionate soul, always able to hear and understand. Love you.
Jennie – so fun to see you last month. Thanks for reading.
October 1st, 2012 @ 12:52 pm
Words can’t express my gratitude for this, Cath. I know you sacrificed sleep and playtime with your babies to share these words. And I’m so grateful to Tina; she is remarkable.
October 4th, 2012 @ 9:31 pm
Cath,
I re-read this tonight and reading it has been the most productive pre-trip thing I have done. This is exactly what I needed to fill up my heart and mind with before trying to make some big decisions on this trip. Thank you so much for sharing this. It has truly moved me. I need my tree of life vision and I need to be willing to accept the vision God lays before me.
Can’t wait to see you this weekend.