Today’s guest post comes to us from Kacy Falconer of the simply fabulous Every Day I Write the Book. Thank you Kacy! We hope you’ll grace us with a few pages from your book again sometime.
My mom was a working mom. She worked every day, made dinner every night, did housework and yard work on Saturdays, and usually had a “big” church calling for Sundays. She did all of this with pretty much no help from her husband or kids (I’m sorry to say.) I never thought about it, wondered “how she did it,” or found it the least bit interesting.
Now that I’m 35 and staying home full time with my four kids, I find myself reading every housekeeping-homemaking-childraising book I can find. I’m obsessed with routines and schedules and systems. I wonder how often other people go shopping, when their kids take naps, and if they shower every day. No one REALLY exercises, right? And planning menus—isn’t that a myth?
When I first got married Christian and I were still in school. We didn’t have our first baby for four years. There just wasn’t much homemaking to do. After we had our first baby I focused on finishing my Masters Thesis. Homemaking felt like a guilty diversion. After our second baby I focused on returning to teach part-time at BYU. And once I was teaching again I was busy preparing lectures and grading so “homemaking” still felt like something you did only if you had extra time.
Now that I’m home with this last baby it’s the first time I’ve been totally home-centric. It’s weird. I go back and forth between being really into sweeping and doing the dishes immediately and just letting it all go. After all, I know from past experience you really can get away with a lot. . . like not pre-treating stains, not cleaning up your kids’ rooms in between the messes they make, and just throwing away the grocery store specials.
My nosiness fuels my interest in other people’s homemaking. It fascinates me. I was at a planning meeting for church and this woman said that we should get the food we needed on Wednesday because that’s when the new specials come out at all the grocery stores. I was speechless. People live like that? It blew me away. Knowing about grocery store specials seems like something only your friend’s mom does.
I have a friend who walks on her treadmill every day. Again, mind blowing. I never know when I will exercise—there are way too many variables! Another friend of mine once unabashedly mentioned her daily nap. As in, “That’s usually when I take my nap.” I nap too but I never admit it. Bully for her! A couple of weeks ago we went out to dinner with some friends who suggested Zupas. Mmm’k. That’s fine. I can do soup. Or salad. What surprised me was that she said she had been saving all day to splurge on the soup (calorie-wise, I guess?) Am I just a fat hog? Is it me? Fascinating.
Are your kids pinning their socks together before you wash them? Because that would really rock my world.
This was so fun to read, Kacy!
“No one REALLY exercises, right? And planning menus—isn’t that a myth?”
I am right with you there–except that I know people who do both with at least a little bit of regularity now and then. It boggles my mind, too.
I’m a first-time mom at 40, stay-at-home, and for the life of me, I haven’t been able to do much of anything consistently. Even if there is NOTHING going on besides taking care of baby, I can’t keep up with dishes, laundry AND meals. Something always suffers–usually all three. And adding anything else that needs consistency? Almost inconceivable. I’m going to try this week to set up some kind of routine, like “baby’s first nap, read scriptures; baby’s second nap, take a nap and then do some filing.” Or something. But “too many variables” is true for me, too.
Ironically, or maybe not so, I do better at dishes and laundry than before he came along. It’s because I know there are so few spare moments, I can’t afford to let them go by without picking up or washing something (I recently hid away half of our silverware so that wouldn’t get piled up so much–that was a fabulous idea). Meals have suffered the worst. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around them. Thank goodness for 3/.99 tacos at Del Taco on Tuesdays, and a love for grocery store frozen pizza.
Rambling . . . I don’t foresee my children pinning their socks together, though I do have hopes of more order amidst this chaos. I read all kinds of things about organization before he came along, so I have some ideas floating around in my head.
Can I ask what books or articles you’ve found to be most helpful?
I have this idea that once I get to stay home full time that my life will have amazing structure. Every day has its purpose! There are wonderfully decorated charts (made by me?) I will be able to accomplish everything, from decorating and meal planning, to craft time with the kids and chore designations, and even exercise. I will be free from stress and I will practically whistle while I work. All of a sudden I’ll be cured of my lazy house keeping, finding purpose in an immaculate house.
Pipe dream? Don’t tell me, I don’t want to hear it.
I find it funny that you think those who clip coupons or walk on their treadmills each day are fascinating –because I’m betting there are things that YOU do that those exact women find fascinating.
We all have our strengths and our weaknesses when it comes to housewifery and homemaking. People who do laundry regularly? How do they do that?! Cleaning the bathrooms weekly? Having chore charts? It Blows. My. Mind. But then a woman will approach me and say “I can’t believe you blog, teach 14 piano students, have a consistently clean kitchen, and four well-behaved children. How do you do it?” At that point, I really start scratching my head because I have no idea. I just do what I do what I do.
Same with you. And what’s-her-name. And all the other mothers just tryin’ to figure it all out. I’m guessing we’ll have it figured out once our grandchildren are grown…
I agree, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. No one does it all. We have a woman in our ward who is the coupon/grocery deal queen. But it’s her passion. It’s like a hobby to her, and she loves it. I’ve done it here and there (only because there are great websites that will do half the work for you), but it’s not my passion. I’ve decided that I’ll enjoy it when I can, but not feel guilty when I don’t. There are other women in our ward who are into doing freezer meals. I tried that for a month–it was fun while it lasted, but not for me in the long run. Menu-planning escaped me for many years. Now I pay an online menu service to email me my weekly menu. I don’t have to even think about it–I just buy what they say to buy and cook it. Even though I’m spending more money on food, I have to do what I have to do to survive and not be eating hot dogs every night for dinner.
I think a lot of these things are more about personalities and individual interests than anything else. If I took the time to be as obsessed with coupons and good deals as my friend is, I would not have time for all the things I like to do. And there is NO way I’m getting up at 6:00 am to go grocery shopping so I can get the best deal before the store runs out of food. NO way on this earth.
I like Kathy Peel’s books and The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Browne Boyack. I actually bought those. I also always look in the 640s at the Library.
I think it’s true that personalities and strengths come into play with housewifery. It’s just too bad that if your strength isn’t dishes you still have to do them! Or not.
So, here I am reading Segullah while I look guiltily at the piles of laundry that need to be put away. But I also had a hard day yesterday and was exhausted and actually slept in until 10:00 today. So anyhow, I have to comment, because this is a fascinating and ever present subject for me.
I find that I function better, am happier, and have greater creativity when my house is ordered, structured and I have a handle on the laundry. When my house is perfectly clean, perfectly structured and perfectly spotless, I go a little insane and am not happy. I am miserable when my house is a mess. So I have discovered that if I do a bit everyday and keep on top of things so that they are acceptable, I’m in a good place. I struggled with this for a long time where I swung between the pendulum of complete chaos and complete spotless perfection. Realizing that neither place was healthy, I’ve tried to be more balanced. That’s not to say that I don’t have bouts where I go back to that life.
I’ve also realized that you can clean and clean forever and I have to put a limit to stuff so that I can enjoy creative things and my children.
Oh, and what I have finally done with my kids is give them a weekly job that they do once a week. The oldest cleans a bathroom, the middle cleans the basement (picks up toys and vaccuums) and the third boy helps me mop the kitchen floor. We do this on Friday after school and I spend the time with each child helping them do the work. They earn a dollar from that. The dollar is motivating and they are getting better at working.
I realize that some parents are adamantly opposed to paying kids for household chores, but we found a motivating solution to help the kids want to participate in the work of our home.
I remember that Mom used to leave us lists on the dry erase board of what we needed to do that day. Did we do them? I don’t actually remember.
I don’t claim to be a homemaker in any way, shape or form. I usually vacuum once a week because you could feed a country on what my kids haul around the house. I throw my house into a panic if I am hosting something where it needs to be clean. Laundry gets done if my son has no pants left and he has already worn the ones in his laundry basket twice.
It’s interesting that this is the one career that you really have to learn as you go and no one “company” has the same requirements.
I know–I read stuff that says, “make a list of everything that needs to be done and then divide that up among the family.” But I don’t even know what needs to be done. The dishes, I guess. Sweeping? But if Ellen is yucky I’d rather give her a bath than sweep. It just depends. If everyone is crying I do nothing. If Sam’s homework is hard I don’t make dinner–we eat granola bars. Does that sound neglectful? Because it’s actually the opposite–it’s incredibly attentive! It drives me crazy.
Right now I am eating Jet-Puffed marshmallows directly from the bag. Does that count as housewifery?
I’m amazed at the people in my neighborhood who have spotless houses all.the.time. I mean it. Every single day. Spotless. Just yesterday I went to a RS Presidency meeting at our secretary’s house (it’s always at our secretary’s house because she has the most little kids) and I walked in and it smelled like Murphy’s Wood Oil Soap and potpourri and the floor was shiny and there’s wasn’t one single solitary thing on her kitchen counter but a little vase with flowers in it. It is like this every time I go to her house, and she has three kids under 7 and is pregnant with her fourth.
Here’s the kicker: she’s really nice. And doesn’t seem stressed out or frantic. Oh, and she exercises every day and has that gorgeous taut pregnant belly, as perfectly spherical as a basketball, and killer toned arms. When I came over yesterday, she was playing a piano duet with her four year old boy, whom she has ALREADY TAUGHT THE PIANO.
But she’s also a very disciplined, goal oriented person who has decided that her whole life is going to be dedicated to making a nice home. I don’t begrudge her that goal, and it seems to fill her up and make her happy. I’ve never been able to focus solely on homemaking–all my life I have to be writing or going to school or teaching or doing something else that isn’t particularly connected to homemaking because it’s what makes *me* happy. So my house is clean enough, but the blinds are dusty and the kids’ closets are cluttered and sometimes we have McDonald’s for dinner. I’ve found a balance (usually–sometimes I really over schedule but that’s another topic) that makes me basically happy, and I think my friend has, too.
I run every day.
I mop annually.
I think it’s all about picking and choosing. I made up an exhaustive list of things that my children could do, and will just randomly assign one of them to someone whenever they appear to need structure (it includes everything that could ever need to be done to the house — wash the baseboards, wipe down walls, sanitize all the doorknobs, inventory the books, dust the bookshelves, all that kind of random stuff). Then it gets done and I don’t have to do it or even think about it!
But running is the only thing that I’ve got that’s just for me and I absolutely have to carve out time to do it. If I didn’t do it, I’d be insane.
I’m in complete awe of women like Azucar who manage to keep everything together and in orderand pull in an income. Women who decorate? WOW. Women who garden well? WOW. Those women inspire me (but don’t actually get my lazy rear end doing anything about it).
I plan a weekly menu-Can we still be friends?
My personal feeling is that homemaking is so continual that you just have to jump in and do it what you can, when you can.
I also learned that if I have more underwear than my husband he will soon put himself in charge of getting the laundry done.
I’m all for trying to be a better parent and keeping a nice atmosphere in the home, and trying to stay healthy with good food and exercise, but I really hate cleaning, dishes and laundry. I can never stay on top of it. It feels menial. My husband was surprised when I mentioned that I’d like to get a cleaner - he doesn’t seem so bothered by mess and dirt. Anyone here have a cleaner?
I’ve known several people who once baby number four came around felt this compelling need to finally really get it together and be a homemaker in an organized, intentional way. Until then they could sort of go with the flow, but it was no longer possible with four kids. I’m at three… and trying to be more organized and intentional about things but not really there yet.
I agree that everyone has homemakey things they’re natural at and others they are not. I can never understand why laundry is a big deal to some people. Mine never piles up, I don’t mind doing it, no problem (helps that I only iron like every three or four years). Washing my kitchen floor? Annual. “Washing the baseboards”?! What does that even mean? Seriously. I always see it listed as something you should do around your house. Really? Does anyone do that? And if so, why?
In a similar vein, I’m completely fascinated by and curious about how people spend their money. It’s such a taboo subject, I can’t resist wondering. And sometimes asking.
I have a cleaner! And yet. . . somehow there is still stuff to do. Does that make me seem even less together? I don’t care. Because I like it. I have had different cleaners for about a year after each of my last three babies. My husband is all for it. Then when the baby is older I sort of get it together and go cleaner-less because I feel guilty about having a cleaner. I think I should just reconcile my feelings about my cleaner and enjoy it and keep her as long as I can. But I’m somewhat conflicted. Like I SHOULD be able to get it all together. . . or like I should be jogging while my cleaner cleans.
Kacy, what you said about granola bars for dinner reminded me of an article I really like: http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-parent/article/in-praise-of-lazy-parenting.html
And whoever said we all have our strengths, thanks for that reminder!
And no, I haven’t been sitting here all morning and yes, I’m getting up to do more laundry!
Hi Kacy! You still make me laugh. I still don’t own a pair of “lady boots,” but every time some younger–and cooler, no doubt–mom walks into Relief Society in sexy knee high leather boots, I think, “lady boots, lady boots.”
But, back to the topic at hand. I’m agreeing with what everyone is saying about all having our own strengths and choosing what we spend our time on. I just want to add that we should make sure we get joy in our choices . . . and leave the judging/jealousy/comparison thing (as much as we can). Don’t you think? I mean, I actually really enjoy having a clean house (though I hate cleaning). I like it, and I’ve chosen to spend my time doing it. It’s not really fair of me to be jealous that Kacy has written a book while I’ve been cleaning. I could have made that choice, too. Or I could choose to spend time being more coupon-shopping savvy like a friend of mine. I don’t, but she loves it and now has a whole website dedicated to telling all her friends about the deals she finds. Totally great.
Laundry was invented by Satan. I hate it. I probably do it once a month whether I need to or not. Now that our house is on the market my husband was cleaning out our closet when he said, “Well, I guess we’re going to have to do a lot more laundry” (you know, to keep up the facade that no one really lives here during the day)and I looked at him as if he had just laid out a paragraph in Latin and asked me to translate it.
And he does his own laundry.
I have loved reading this post and these comments! I’m so glad I’m not the only one that’s never even thought of washing my baseboards. Seriously, it’s not a bad thing to wash your baseboards, but it’s never even occurred to me. That probably tells you right there how clean I keep my house. And man, I would love a cleaner, I wish I had one! But I’d probably keep it a secret and never tell anyone, and feel deliciously sinful about it. Like eating a huge piece of chocolate cake or something.
On the other hand, I do plan menus. But that’s only because I love to cook…and eat…
Ok, so I’m just going to say it…I sold all my dishes at a yard sale about 10 years ago. That’s right. No China, no glassware, no fancy sets of plates that match, no matching utensils, nada. I will admit to owning a few plastic bowls, plates and such but at my house it’s plastic or paper. If you can’t tell, I HATE doing dishes!!! We have no dishwasher and it became such a problem that I got rid of all of it. When we remodeled our kitchen a few years ago we didn’t even add one (duh, but it seriously wouldn’t fit in our goofy,old house). Now don’t everyone get all environmentally mad - this is just one small step that helps me to stay sane. I can do most of the rest of it (well, maybe not, we do eat out an awful lot) but dishes slay me - so I say NO!
You all should see Tonya’s goofy, old house–it’s brilliant! Quite literally.
So this is why everyone should have boys: It’s a requirement for the Duty to God Award that they learn how to do their own laundry. Wahoo!
While I secretly admire and even envy those together people who have clean houses I rationalize my crazy life with a framed needlepoint my friend made for me that reads as follows:
As for the socks, my kids leave them at their friends’ houses–that way none of us has to wash them.
Tonya, I love that you did that (environmental impact aside, of course). Sanity is crucial. When my mom came to stay with us afte our we got our son, she bought wicker paper plate holders for us. We used them a lot then. Now we don’t use them regularly, but if my sanity demands, ou they come. Well, so I guess some weeks that looks like “regularly.”
I’m a firm believer in making my children feel like slaves, and that my friends is the only reason washing baseboards is on my master list of the cleaning universe.
If I were alone or only had my husband, waaayyyy less stuff would happen at out house. And you’ve been to my house, right? It’s a disaster. So clearly, asking a five year old to clean the bathroom does not a clean bathroom make.
I will defend a clean house though, if I can attempt it. When my house is clean, my life is calmer. I can more easily feel the spirit (probably because I’m not cursing so much), and I don’t feel like the dirt is going rise up and strangle me. So, while cleaning may not of itself be a fascinating pursuit, I do it for the benefits to my mental health.
I plan menus so I don’t have to think about what I’m going to cook each week. I’ve been to Costco once in my life. I don’t do coupons, but I do bag my own groceries. I mop weekly, vacuum weekly, and laundry day is today! I work two days a week and think that helps me to structure my time a little. I exercise 4-5 times a week, but regularly fall off that wagon, and have to keep getting back on.
I feel like a complete failure at housewifery. I have not one single artistic/pretty/decorative bone in my body. My house is a decorator’s dream because it’s a blank canvas. My big project for this summer is to paint something like a wall or the baseboards. Maybe I’ll finally feel like a grown up person when I can figure out how to make my house look nice. But if I didn’t think anybody else noticed my un-decorator-worked-over home, I’d probably not care at all.
Justine–I don’t think you have to defend a clean house. I guess I shouldn’t speak for everyone, but I’m insanely jealous at those amazing women such as yourself who manage to pursue other interests–such as running–and still manage to keep children cleaning and the house clean.
Elizabeth–I just read how organized you are and all you do in a week and am sad you feel like a complete failure at housewifery. I hope someday to attain your level of organization and order. Truly. Hats off to you.
I don’t care what good intentions anyone has at the beginning of the day, it always ends up differently–we’re all making it up as we go along!
Side Note: my mother pins her socks together, always has, and irons her sheets. IRONS. THE. SHEETS.
Dalene, I was thinking the same thing about defending a clean house. I DO want a clean house. I feel MUCH better when it is clean. For all of the joking about not understanding how some women do it, it is definitely a goal I aspire to.
Thinking about strengths and weaknesses, I have made some lovely curtains and picked out great colors for our walls, so I do have SOME homemaking abilities!
My house is cleanest when people are coming over (you should see it when my mom visits!). Seriously, drop by unannounced and you will see the truth. I have a few friends with whom I have shared my mess, I have seen theirs and they have seen mine. It is nice to have friends who can’t judge! But, if I haven’t seen your messy house you might have the impression that mine is always clean. Appearances can be deceiving.
My mom’s favorite framed picture that she hung in a place of prominence was, “Martha Stewart does not live here.”
When I was growing up, my mom had a porcelain dish that hung on the wall that said, “God bless this lousy apartment.”
Our house is always messy, but we hire a cleaner once a week to help with vacuuming and dusting, because I work full time and I just can’t do it all and remain sane. I aspire to be a person who has it all together and has REAL furniture instead of stuff from Ikea made of plywood and cardboard boxes sitting around. My husband just built a stage (yes a stage) in our living room out of plywood. It has lights and curtains and microphones and everything. He’s out this very minute buying a PA system for it. I’m going to have to accept that the House Beautiful Award will NEVER be mine.
And last week I offered my kids cereal for dinner and with horrified looks on their faces went, “NO! NO WAY, MOM!!!”
Maire, that is why we entertain. So I am forced to make everything pretty. I somehow think I’m being so tricky by fooling myself into cleaning!
Segullah? Like “Seagull-a?” I am disquieted.
It’s Hebrew, Mark. No relation to seagulls, I promise.
“and I walked in and it smelled like Murphy’s Wood Oil Soap and potpourri and the floor was shiny and there’s wasn’t one single solitary thing on her kitchen counter but a little vase with flowers in it. It is like this every time I go to her house, and she has three kids under 7 and is pregnant with her fourth.”
Sounds like a scene from a book. I wonder what you would see if you just dropped in unanounced. If it smelled like Murphy’Oil soar chances are she had just finished cleaning.
My mom made us pin our socks together before putting them in the dirty clothes. She enforced it by being a very scary woman whom no one wanted to cross.
This is a great conversation. I have come to believe that figuring out homemaking for most of us is a process. For people like me, it’s little by little trying to establish some patterns that can keep things from completely falling apart. For others, I think it’s learning to let a little mess go to be able to enjoy whatever is going on at the moment (I say this because I had a friend once say she envied my ability to not have to focus on the clutter to be able to enjoy her kids, as though my clutter is simply a sign of the fact that all I do is play with my kids, which isn’t true). I think there is a balance in there somewhere for each to find, and it looks a little different for each person.
I used to HATE dishes and laundry, and I still don’t LIKE them, but somewhere along the line the Spirit helped me see that this is the stuff of life and growth and service and endurance, just as much as making it through big crises in life. Sometimes, it’s the mundane that can test me more than the big stuff…at least with the big stuff, I can sometimes get help, and talk about how hard it is, and get sympathy and maybe even a casserole. But facing the mundane, and learning to embrace it and even find the sacred in it — that’s something that evolves quietly on the stage of my own soul. And my house may never testify to the growth that has happened on that stage, but I can tell you that I’m a different homemaker than I was when I started oh so many years ago. And I love it more than I ever have. Someday, all of that may actually lead to a house that is all clean all at once, but for now, I rejoice in the little things, and I know that God knows that I care and am making progress. And in the end, that’s what matters to me…not as an excuse not to be better, but because I know that the progress won’t always be visible to others. And I FEEL the changes happening in my heart and soul, and it’s exciting.
Thank you, m&m. Lovely and true. I appreciate your gentle reminder.
M&M–I’ll know I’m a changed soul when a just-mopped floor gets orange juice spilled on it a half-hour later and I don’t think “HONESTLY PEOPLE!!!”. I don’t say it anymore, but I’d like to get to the point I don’t even think it.
I don’t say it anymore, but I’d like to get to the point I don’t even think it.
Yeah, well, you aren’t alone there.
It is about finding what balance works for you, isn’t it? When I spend ALL my time keeping the house up (and that is what it seems to take to keep it nice all the time, ALL of my time) I get so cranky when the kids mess it up. If I let it totally go, I feel icky.
My solution was to hire cleaners (and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it for one second…). I figure that on the weeks that I keep it up, gold star for me. The weeks that I don’t, the clock resets itself once a week when they come. It works for me….
I feel exactly the same way, mamma.