Katie is a third-year undergrad college student who blogs at Creole Wisdom as a way to enrich her life with writing and photography. She says, “I am a convert to the Church as of May 5th, after a long period of investigation. Three whole years– yes I am stubborn! Writing has forever been attractive and also very intimidating to me!” She was raised in Minneapolis but loves a good adventure (like travels to Morocco and Corsica and a year studying at Sarah Lawrence), a chance to bake, and to help with her sorority.
To frankly put it, the dating world as it revolves around the singles ward greatly complexes me. Why is it that a modern, boy savvy (at least I’d like to think so) girl like myself so perplexed by all of this?
The search for an eternal companion is no light task. We have been taught that by following the Lord’s commandments we will be blessed in our lives, or in the next, with a Celestial Marriage. Um, okay… Now, if you’ve got the commandments down, which would seem like the hard part there is that lovely task of doing the searching, the praying, and the waiting. One of my most loved sayings that I continue to hear over and over again is, “the Lord’s time.” Hello! This is great; I can do “the Lord’s time.” I guess that requires me to sit around, continue being the great Mormon girl that I am and then- pop- down from the sky emerges my future husband? I would love to see a conversion method for man’s time to Lord’s, just so I could be ready.
If it were only that simple. So things are a lot more complicated than they look.
We go out on dates, lots of dates. We get to know people; we get to know these good guys as friends. Then (at least if you are like me) you go home and think: “he was nice, but um no. Nope. No chemistry there.” After all, you’ve got have chemistry to replenish the earth, no? In the meantime between this feeling that no one really exists for me, and all the fun dates with the nice, but not for me guys I start to wonder”¦
Is there anything else I am not doing? Scripture study (check), prayer (check), church attendance (check) hmmm. In Relief Society on Sunday our president slid the top white board over to reveal a question written in orange dry erase marker: What can you do today to help you prepare for marriage? We spoke and made a list: keep an open mind, learn to have your own testimony, develop a deeper relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, be willing to learn”¦ Wonderful, good thoughts. I could still not help myself from wondering though, what if you have done all these things (which I have not, if course) then what? I know building testimony and a relationship with the Godhead should and does not end with an engagement.
I have started to realize that searching for an eternal companion and dating are two very different things. It would be a great blessing for many of the married sisters to sit down with us single sisters one day and talk with us. When did you know and realize that you were ready to start the search and were done with the fun and games? How did you make sense of this complex world of dating within our Church and maintaining standards? There is no perfect man, but did you know when it was okay to settle on certain aspects?
you will know.
when you love someone you don’t feel like you’re settling. (not until later, after you’re married. kidding…)
One thing we should do is not use the word “Single”. It sounds so sad. Instead, we should refer to ourselves as “unmarried”. Much less stigma to being unmarried than to being single. I know it just sounds like semantics, but I think it makes a big difference.
Great subject, Katie!
I got married when I was 33 (while living in Utah), so I thought about this for a long time.
You ask some really good questions.
When did I know I was ready to start the search? I remember hearing about other girls setting a date for when they would get married, and succeeding at their plan. I always thought, “I bet I could do that if I knew when I wanted to.” But I didn’t know for a long time. First I was afraid of marriage, then I was having too much fun (and still afraid of marriage). There finally came a point when I thought, “It’s time to stop messing around. I bet if I really worked hard to be closer to the Lord, He would help me be emotionally ready within a couple of years.” That meant getting honest with myself about the standards I knew were right, and the kind of relationship I really wanted. It even meant stopping watching shows like Friends, that skewed my perception of what chemistry and dating were all about (please don’t read anything immoral into my actions–I simply mean I saw that I needed to become more holy). Anyway, I was still afraid of marriage, but somehow I got into a great relationship and made it through the engagement period with only one panic attack. Whew.
I don’t think I ever really made sense of the dating world, but I did read and follow the Strength of Youth pamphlet. I don’t think we’re ever too old for that. I know that the relationship I had with my husband was the best relationship I ever had, and I am sure following that pamphlet was part of the reason. A friend’s Bishop recommended she and her fiance’ have a three second kissing rule. THAT was amazing. Of course, we had a lot of three second kisses
but it was really a silly/fun rule to keep and it kept our mutual- and self-respect high. It certainly didn’t diminish any chemistry or contribute to intimacy difficulties after marriage! I highly recommend it.
Re: settling on certain aspects, I completely agree with Brooke. It’s not a list of traits you’re settling or not settling on. It’s LOVE. If I were to have continued dating and then married some of the guys I’d dated, it would have been settling because I didn’t LOVE them, no matter how good they were, and how many traits they had on my list.
One more thought regarding chemistry . . . the initial chemistry between my husband and me was different from what I expected (different from what we see in the media). In fact, I would say I wasn’t super interested in him (he wasn’t the Rico Suave’ I’d been imagining), until I started recognizing how comfortable I was with him, how at east and how MYSELF I felt when I was with him. The usual flirty, gamey sides of me literally couldn’t come out around him. I loved that. I smiled more naturally and happily at him than other guys I had thought I was attracted to. I felt REAL. When I began to notice those things, I started paying attention, and then a really GREAT chemistry grew.
I like what you said about being open minded. Being open to the Spirit has got to be a part of that. Being open minded also led me into some dumb relationships!
I hope this was helpful! And good luck!
Katie, I think everyone has a path God wants them to follow. Elder Scott talks about it as aligning ourselves with the current God wants us to have (it’s a BYU devotional, I don’t have time to look it up now, but it’s there). I feel like as I tried to be who God wanted me to be–not all stressed about it, just consistently trying–that I was led to my husband. I prayed all the time about it, though. I think that’s a good thing to do; prayer helps you evaluate yourself, makes you think about what you can do to make the blessings you desire happen.
I think of it like Lehi’s journey. It’s so interesting the way that it’s phrased: “Ye shall *be led* to a land of promise.” That’s passive voice, and the implied agent is God. So Lehi’s family did their part (with whining along the way) by traveling, by seeking the Lord’s guidance, and then ultimately He was the one who guided them.
And I think that journey metaphor is quite appropriate, because the reality is that not everyone gets married as young as LDS culture seems to want, but if you constantly seek the Spirit, then you CAN HAVE the comfort of knowing that your life choices are acceptable to him, that you are journeying in the right direction, whether or not you are married.
One more thing: I also think that the Spirit can and should tell you when it’s right to marry. So, along with that, I say [total Emily doctrine here, but it's what I think] don’t get married until you know what the Spirit feels like, how the Spirit leads you personally, and how to get answers to prayers. Once you know those things, and you’re comfortable consistently seeking and finding that guidance, you’ll be confident you have made the right choice when you do marry.
Gah. I need to go pack for vacation, but thanks for letting me tell my marriage philosophy. I like to babble about it.
Katie,
First of all, your husband is going to be the luckiest.
Second of all, I just talked to a friend who is engaged. She seemed more relieved to be getting married than being in love. I thought that was sad, and I hope that our focus in the church about marriage doesn’t take the fun out of the whole process. It should be the most fun decision as well as the most important.
(Great discussion, Katie!)
Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts!
CJane: I could not agree with you more. That kind of scares me. I never want to be “that.” KWIM?
I’m all for self improvement, both before and after marriage, but sometimes I get uncomfortable with the tone of “single” coversations that focus too heavily there. I don’t believe I got married early because I was so much more together than other women my age…I think it was God’s plan and timing. And I don’t think I’m finished just because I have said “I do.”
Along those same lines, the quality of my husband’s that has made the most difference in our marriage is his committment to me and our relationship. He never stops trying and he never stops forgiving…which is a good thing, because we are both far from perfect. I think with that kind of attitude there isn’t anything else that can’t be overcome.
What an interesting post! I wanted to say that for me it was fairly easy to figure out who I wanted to marry when the time came. I dated a lot, and there always came a point where I knew I wasn’t that interested in spending more time with this person. But during all of the ‘fun and games’ I started dating my husband, and I never got tired of being with him, never wished I was home doing my laundry instead, enjoyed the chemistry (after the world’s most awkward first kiss), and eventually realized that I wanted to be with him forever. Here we are, 20 years and 6 kids later and now our oldest child is in college and starting to think about these things. Not sure I’m ready for that!
Your post brought back a lot of memories for me. I remember when I was single - I remember never falling for the guys I thought I should, always liking the guys I shouldn’t, and being very confused about it all. Finally I decided to change my focus. Instead of “finding the right guy” being my focus, I changed to “becoming the right me.” (This didn’t mean that I stopped dating.)
I started focusing on my education - improving my mind, reading scriptures/studying the gospel more - improving my spiritual side, eating healthier, etc. I was doing things to make me feel the best I have ever felt. In fact, at the time I began dating my husband, I was even attending the temple once a week (i was lucky enough to live 10 minutes away at the time.) I feel like I was becoming the best version of myself, and was blessed to not only being open to this great guy, but allowing me to be in the right frame of mind for our whole dating experience.
To answer your statement about dating and searching - when you are with the right person at the right time, you know. I had been friends with my husband for 7 years before we started dating. I had never really thought of him as anything more than a friend (heck, I dated his best friend and his older brother), until one day it hit me. It was after both of our missions, and I had stopped by to see an old friend. It started out as just two friends having a fun time, and we ended the night holding hands. It was that wonderful electric attraction, and at the same time, this was someone I was already close to. It was finally the right time for us.
To find an eternal companion, you definitely do not have to sacrifice chemistry - it is an important part of falling in love, however, you should be sure there is more than the attraction before you let the chemistry take over. (That way you don’t end up falling for the wrong guy.) I feel lucky that I knew Kevin for so long before we got together, but that length of time isn’t necessary. Just get to know them before you get emotionally invested.
One of the biggest signs for me, personally, that Kevin was right for me, was that it all felt right. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t talking myself out of it or analyzing it too much, and he was the only one I could think of. Instantly, all the other guys I had been thinking of were gone. Yes, there are still moments of craziness, but it is different.
My last bit of advice, is live a full life now. Don’t wait until you are married - become the best version of yourself and things will fall into place. I was 23 when I got married, and although that is “so old” in mormon culture, it was still very young. I am, however, grateful for every learning experience I had before that time - school, my mission, study abroad, time with family, etc. I feel all of that made me a much better wife and mother when the time came.
Hey Katie,
My kid brother is single…
I just celebrated my 1st Anniversary in May and am going to be 30 this next week. I’m SO glad that I was older (for me anyway) it was the right timing but that doesnt’ mean I didn’t have times of struggle along the way.
One thing I did struggle with was the whole “chemistry” thing and the fact that it took me a while to have a first kiss (24, yes, that’s right, 24 and it’s not because I wanted to wait). Here’s an excerpt from an email from a wise bishop I had concerning “chemistry” and relationships:
“My girl friend from high school days met me again when we were about 45 years old. I apologized to her for “making out” (kissing intensely over a period of several months) without a mature commitment of love. She looked at me and said, “It was sooo exciting–don’t you wish everyone could have that experience?” I was dumb-founded at her sincere response. In that moment of enlightment, I had to agree with her. As long as we can keep our passions within the bounds the Lord has set, then passions are delicious
blessings like all beautiful things in this too often
ugly world.
I did not say making out at length is good for the
soul. The amount of physical expression between two
people is between them and God. Indeed, I admit truly
that the first kiss I recieved from my girl friend (New Year’s Eve 1963) brought me to tears of deep joy. It was the best kiss I ever had. I have never felt such physical/emotional happiness. So it does not take a lot of physcial contact to get the feeling.
By the way, it is a blessing, but not a requirement for long term happiness to have that passionate experience. I would NOT have been as joyful with my girlfriend as my life long companion. I found another, better suited to me, with whom to share the long term passions (less intense, more lasting) of conubial love.”
He’s a wise man and although this may not be the way it is for everyone, I think it’s to reflect on.
Good luck!! (and have LOTS of fun in the process!)
Kelly
I got married without much effort and quite young. I knew with absolute certainty that it was RIGHT. The RIGHT ONE -all in caps. So that was my experience, but I’ve noticed most people don’t have it that easy. (All the rest of my decisions in life have been complete struggles). Chalk it up to individual circumstances and divine will I guess.
I’m sure in many cases there are lots of potential “right ones”. I know many people in happy marriages who weren’t at all “sure” going in. Sometimes in decision-making I have to accept that the Lord is not going to provide certitude in this instance. (But its great when He does.)
This post raises such universal questions. Singles can easily relate and marrieds can look back with that strange mix of sympathy and envy.
And the bigger issues such as revelation, timing, knowing the Lord’s will, getting answers, will we ever have these things figured out? So relevant. Thanks.
I was actually not looking at all when DH popped back into my life. I had just come out of a frustrating and heartwrenching engagement, and was so relieved to be out of it that I was definitely not looking to get back into dating at all, much less a serious relationship. I have to say it was all DH’s doing that we got together, as he pursued me ardently and against large odds, including having my brother yell at him, “She doesn’t want to marry you, you PUNK! Leave her alone!”
DH LOVES to remind my brother of that statement.
In the end, I simply pictured what my life would be with this person, and the picture I saw looked profoundly appealing. Once I allowed myself to consider what life, what ETERNITY looked like with him, I was actually surprised to see that it was a picture I wanted. Badly. So, I asked him to marry me
Sorry, I wish I could tell you it happened with lightening speed, with a flash of revelation. Truth is, I knew DH for 6 years before we finally tied the knot. But despite all the dating I did, and even including my previous engagement, he was/is the only person I ever really actually found myself wanting to marry. And, like Lisa said, I was never scared. Once we committed, I never had any doubts. Coming out of a relationship where all I ever did was doubt, that clarity was HUGE.
I feel very nervous about writing because I do not want to offend. I grew up in a home where marriage was pretty much misery and a joke, so I decided I would NEVER marry.
I dated a lot and eventually I met my husband and all my plans flew out the window. I could see in him *and his family* all those things I thought were lost to some former time in regard to marriage. So at the tender age of 18 I got married.
The thing is, I was not naive about marriage. I knew all the disasters that could happen, and yet I felt this man was worth the risk.
We have 5 kids. All grown and on their way. Our 3 sons are all married. Our daughters, however are not. In a way it stinks that this whole situation largely still depends on men taking the lead. That said, our daughters are confident and would persue someone if they felt this was the more effective way of getting things done.
The fact is they have high standards. Standards that are not unreasonable (someone with goals and ambition enough to allow them to be SAHM when the time come, someone equal in education and Spiritual matters, etc.) They date often, however the men locally are still stuck in sophmoric mode (part time school, no ambition to finish soon, still at home with mom doing everything for them, dates that include video games, etc). These are returned missionaries. Frankly, as a mom I would rather see my daughters stay single than hook up with someone who still thinks Star Wars is a good analogy for the Priesthood, and that DDR is a good date choice.
As their educations have finished and careers are beginning they are finally able to move to a better location and search out new waters for (hopefully) more mature men to date.
I am not sure what the answer is. I look at my daughters and see the same questions you pose and wonder when the Lord’s time will happen for them. In the meantime ( and it can get ‘mean’), know that there are some of us married folk out there who see you as intellegent, talented, and Spiritual beings who are fine as you are, and absolutely should not settle (as the above comments concure)*just to get married*.
Do as these commentors advise, go see new things, learn all you can, be positive and happy, try new things and have adventures. Do not wait for a husband to enjoy your life. Build yourself and have a terrific time. Keep an open heart and open eye out for Mr. Right, but keep living well! Reflect who you want to marry and do not settle for any one who does not meet your standards, as as Elder Holland suggested during Women’s Conf. - make sure you are equally yoked in all matters.
Much love to you.
Uh, S’mee that description of the bachelors your daughters are encountering was hilarious. (the priesthood and star wars -ha!) Well it is funny but it also scares me because I don’t want my sons to grow up (or not grow up) like that and I don’t want my daughters to face that kind of market. I guess I will go get to work being a better mom now. Thanks.
Here’s an old fashioned idea that worked for me and almost everyone else I know —Go to BYU! So cliche, yet so effective!
Texasgal, your BYU recommendation cracks me up. I actually met my husband while I was attending BYU (he wasn’t), but we did not like each other or date until 8 years later. We both had some growing up to do. I would’ve never suspected him in the beginning. He attended UVSC (mock gasp) and I was a University snob. Thankfully I pulled my head out, but it was no easy process!