I often crave intellectual conversations and friendships with intelligent people who are very versed in doctrine or other areas where I have an interest. It is hard when I have to only draw from a pool of women and single men to meet my social needs. If I were married, I could socialize as a couple and thereby get to know more from such gifted people. Well, I know that being married would not necessarily mean that a given couple would socialize with me and my hypothetical husband. Although I do not like to eat in public or go in public as a rule, perhaps a dinner clubs might be a good idea where people rotate who they eat dinner with and there could be slots for marrieds and singles at the same home. I know my ward had a dinner club years ago, but am not sure if any provition was made for singles as I was not looking for that type of social stimulation then. I do appreciate blogs where I at least get to learn a little from some of the married men. I know that a Church, you get some opportunities as well. I say all of this knowing that one must be very careful in relationships. It is just too bad we can’t all be friends.

I think sometimes people think that single people do not want to hear about children. I like hearing about children. My best LDS friend is married with two girls that are such a delight! I am sorry that I am not able to seem them very often due to my condition.

I had a good attitude toward participation in singles and I made some wonderful friends. But I was younger than the average. It would be harder for me now.

Will you e-mail me? I thought I’d sent you an e-mail about my sister and LDS singles, but maybe I got you wrong. I need to talk to you.

Pardon that digression. I also had a good attitude towards participation in the church and had a lot of good friends in my ward.

But it is really really hard, was even for me when I was young and thin, with silky tendrils.

I’ve always thought that the “family” description of a church event meant “kids allowed”, not “no singles allowed” so I always go to all ward functions that I can. But I’m usually the only single, other than some of the retired/widowed sisters or singles who have a calling that requires them to go.

I ask other singles (never-marrieds) about it, and they usually reply “They said it was for families, so I didn’t go.” That kind of thinking really frustrates me.

The segregation works both ways. Sometimes when I have showed up at ward parties and picnics it was like I was totally invisible.

I’m glad Eliza R. picked up on the idea of reinforcements. I like that word to describe it.

I’m going to approach our stake preseidency and see if they can issue callings, or at least try to “sell the idea” to some of the lifter-type successful single people in the stake to attend single adult stake events as a group and go in as reinforcements.

There are small social groups of singles in our stake that socialize completely separately from the church sponsored singles events, and from my viewpoint, they look like cliques. They seem to be drawn on socio-economic lines too, and I have a real problem with that.

Other factors are good home-teachers and visiting-teachers. If they can be consistent, and be real friends, instead of just perfunctory visits, it goes a long way to integrating people into a ward.

Another hurdle, on the part of us singles ourselves, is that we often go to these things thinking “What’s in it for me?” If enough people would just participate with the attitude of contributing, instead of being entertained/fed/etc, that would also turn the tide of negativity.

Another negative attitude is that singles events are for the sole purpose of scouting for a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s prevalent among both the lifter-upper types and the desperate types. They use the excuse that “there’s no spouse material there” as their reason for not going. They don’t realize that the social events are for building up everyone, including themselves. I’ve even had people tell me “I have a girlfriend now, so I don’t need to go,” as if people who are dating can’t bring their gf/bf to a singles event. They think the sole purpose is to be a meet-market.

Another reason why singles should go to church sponsored singles events is to learn social skills. Group activities are the safest place where singles lacking in social skills can learn them. But for learning to occur, there needs to be a core of “normal” people who can be good examples. Otherwise, we’ll just feed off of each others’ dysfunctionality.

I would also suggest that the lifter-uppers run interference for any single sister being hit on in an unwelcome manner, and that single men who are coming on too strong be gently reminded to hold back.

There’s a lot that can be done within the framework that already exists in the church. Methods of communication are there: the weekly bulletin, the bulletin board, flyers, home teachers and visiting teachers, a male rep in priesthood, a female rep in RS. There’s supposed to be a ward level singles committee in each ward, and a stake level singles committee in each stake. Wards and stakes are supposed to have budgets for single adults for dances, conferences, dinners, etc. The challenge is to use all those things as tools to build up the singles so they can be happy and have their social needs met, and so that the single adults can also participate in building up the kingdom.

“For many singles in the church, the singles social programs provide their only opportunity for socializing with other members.”

I sense that is true but I don’t understand why. Why can’t we be a body of saints, united socially and spiritually on a westward pioneer trek to Christ.

There are a few TV shows (This is not a recommendation for the shows. I only hear people at work talk about them) that throw culturally different people into the same pot. (I.E. Wife Swap seems to put a conservative religous family with an atheistic, rock and roll family etc. Beauty and the Geek seems to pair an airhead model with a socially backward brainy male.) The end of these shows have people talking about how much they have learned about the other person and how much they respect them now as opposed to when they began the show.

Do we need a gameshow that pairs Families Forever (FF) and Not Forever Yet (NFY) in a competition so that they can learn about each other? Why don’t wards perform that function or better “How could wards perform that function so that singles could socialize within the ward?”
And peripherally:
Would that dilute the uppers/downers ratio you speak of?

Even though I get frustrated, and even though the social programs fall far short of the mark, they do provide something that some people need. Some people just need some kind, any kind, of brotherly or sisterly kindness. They need to be acknowledged. Many others need to be of service. They need to be needed.

The magic of trying to offer Christ-like service is that almost any attempt, no matter how awkward or imcomplete, can be that little something that makes someone else’s day.

Eliza R:
Let me know how it goes with reinforcements. Please leave me a private email-feedback at: http://indymormon.tripod.com/

Don’t be too down on us old geezers. Maybe check out the 31+ crowd at other events in addition to the conferences. I know those can be awkward. My favorite events are the weekly singles Family Home Evenings, and our monthly game nights. I’ve gotten to know some cool little-old-ladies in our stake. They are fun, humorous, and best of all, wonderful cooks.

We have five types of singles events in our stake and surrounding stakes:

1. Weekly singles Family Home Evening on Mondays.
These are usually divided up into one per chapel, and the singles who attend the 2 (or 3) wards in that chapel attend, or combine from neighboring ward. One group here does a pot-luck dinner every Monday night followed by a lesson. Another group does just a lesson followed by games/refreshments.

2. Monthly Firesides on a Sunday evening. Stake level.
Speaker followed by refreshments.

3. Dances, 3 or 4 times per year.

4. Conferences with dances, once per year per stake. Sometimes combining neighboring stakes. Here in Indianapolis, we are within driving distance of 4 different good singles conferences each year.

5. Monthly game night, with pitch-in (pot luck) dinner. Ours is first friday. Dinner starts at 7pm.
Table/board games start at 8pm. Totally secular except for opening prayer. Good for inactive or semi-active people to go to. People can bring their own games, organizers usually bring a few games to get things going. Also good is a mixer/group-activity to start. “Uno Attack” is great for 5 to 9 people sitting around a round table in the cultural hall.

It was sad, but it also helped me realize that being single is hard and even the very elite can fall.

I made some very good friends there, but I met my husband out of YSI, he never attended.

I firmly believe that the church should avoid social programs, because it consistently falls short of the mark.

I strongly identify with Bookslinger’s analysis of the dysfunctional and non-dysfunctional dynamic of the single adult scene. I hope that I fall into the non-dysfunctional category, but then I guess everyone assumes they’re among the normal!

I went to my first regional SA activity when I turned 31 and was so rattled by the experience that I haven’t gone back since. I had been hoping to find a group of people like me who would become friends and familiar faces as I transitioned out of my YSA ward. I was unprepared for being hit on by creepy men my father’s age and older, or for the hostility from women who seemed to resent my youth and the attention I was getting from the men. Who can blame them? I resent the 19-year-olds that the men my age are pursuing.

The event was poorly planned and organized, so that may account for much of my negative experience; however, it seems strange to me to throw together a bunch of people between the ages of 31 and dead and expect that their celibacy provides sufficient common ground.

It was clear that the influence of stable, normal, non-dysfunctional people was desparately needed in this group of single adults, but it was also clear that if a solitary normal person entered this group that it would be an extremely frightening and draining experience for that person. I intend to give it another go this year, but I absolutely refuse to go without reinforcements.