Editor’s Note: Emily Milner graduated from BYU in Comparative Literature and now lives in Lindon, Utah with her three kids and husband. She has spent much of this past year nursing a new baby while reading the Wall Street Journal.
Three weeks after I returned from my mission to Ecuador I received a letter from MarÃa, one of my last investigators. She and her husband had lost a daughter when their house burned down; they felt bitterness because of her death, and the harshness of life. I was so excited to teach them about the plan of salvation and eternal families. They listened to the first two discussions; the husband particularly seemed to be searching for something. They fed us, invited us back often. They even gave me a going-away party, with presents: pictures of her kids, a ceramic figure, and an Ecuadorean presidential campaign t-shirt (she knew I wanted one, a souvenir of the vans driving down Naranjito’s dirt roads, blasting salsa campaign music). I knew the gospel would change their lives and replace bitterness with peace.
But MarÃa’s letter said nothing of the gospel or missionaries. Instead she asked, begged, that I would send for her to come to America. She would be my parents’ maid. She would do any kind of work, or accept any kind of money, because they were so poor. Feeling betrayed, I saw the going-away party in a new and painful light: she did not celebrate my departure because she had felt the Spirit and loved the Gospel, but because she meant to ask for help as soon as I got home. I did not know how to respond. My parents did not have or need a maid. I wrote back that she should keep going to church and reading the Book of Mormon, and that God would help her family.
I had another going-away party. When my parents came to pick me up, we visited my favorite branch, Cipreses, in Guayaquil. The members, including three I had taught, gathered together to say goodbye, and also brought gifts: a decorated tablecloth, a padded picture frame. The Spirit felt thick and sweet as we expressed our love for each other. In the years that have followed I’ve kept in touch off and on with them; more off than on, but I have sent Christmas cards most years. They have never asked me for a thing, although I know they also struggle financially. I have felt only their warm and sustaining gratitude for the gift of my mission to them.
In Johanna Buchert Smith’s “Becoming We,” she visits Ethiopia expecting to create memories of service that she can “quietly mention in moving ways on Sundays” (love that line!). Instead, she finds an abyss of need, so much need that she feels paralyzed by it, emotionally distancing herself from those around her because she can’t help them perfectly, because she can’t help them all. But the gratitude of one woman, who sees past Johanna’s American exterior to the service she renders, begins to heal her.
I must have seemed cold to MarÃa, to respond with a suggestion to listen to the missionaries and read the Book of Mormon. I think she saw me as her only chance out of a grinding life. What I had to give was not what she wanted to receive.
I don’t think anything I wrote to MarÃa changed her feeling that I should have done something to help her. I felt guilty for not doing what she asked; maybe I should have sent her money. But it seemed, to my closed heart, like a dangerous step: I did not want to support her family financially. Doing so was even against the Welfare System, I told myself. if I sent them money and they did not work to earn it, they would feel entitled, not grateful. Clearly they already felt entitled to a degree.
I read “Becoming We” and resonate with Johanna’s story. When someone asks of me what I’m not prepared to give, or worse, acts entitled to what they imagine I could offer them, I feel my heart close towards them. I have a hard time distinguishing between necessary boundaries for my service (I can’t help everyone) and my own selfishness (sometimes, I don’t even want to).
I have also felt the connection between spirits that comes when I give what I can, willingly, and others receive my gifts. Like Johanna, I am torn between closing myself off due to “sheer vastness of need,” and opening my heart to create a bond with those I serve.
Read “Becoming We.” What have you given that has created “we” between you and the receiver? How have you handled it when others ask or expect more than you are able to give?
Johanna’s and your stories were beautiful. To me, Johanna’s story is very similar to Kathy’s in Dean Hughes’ “Hearts of the Children,” when Kathy lives in Polynesia for two years as part of the Peace Corps. She believes she has all the answers for the backward people living in their dirty, disease-infested huts, but as she tries pushing her American ideas on them, they push her away and won’t listen. It is only after a year of struggling and making a fool of herself that she finally starts loving the people, singing with them in a ward choir, mourning with them and praying with them, whether or not they listen to her new ideas, that they DO start to listen and make changes.
I have usually been on the receiving end of service, and have always dreaded overstepping my bounds. I know my friends, ward members, and family have served me much more than they wanted to in the past, and I have always been appreciative, but I have never felt like I was deserving or “entitled” to the help. I hope that all those who receive would realize that service is never a right bestowed on the lucky or the needy. It is a two-way street, a tool we use to grow closer to each other, and a way we can become more like the Lord. We should never expect compensation for service we render, but we should also never expect service toward us without giving of ourselves in some way.
I love Johanna’s article—in a way I didn’t want to comment, because it brings back such a rush of emotion and memory from my own time spent in Ethiopia, and also South Africa. It’s been almost ten years now, but for some reason memories like this don’t fade with time.
Whether we’ve been abroad and felt disillusioned by the impossibility of meeting people’s needs, or, whether your own brother (such as in my case) refuses to accept any love, any act or gift of kindness, and has estranged himself from you for going on 15 years—this topic has applicability to all of us.
To start—Johanna hit it right on when she decided to set boundaries for herself. When the man approached her asking, and she declined, I believe she did the best thing she could have done. You can’t save everyone. You just can’t. And if you don’t come to truly believe that for yourself, you will suffer, greatly.
But what do you do when what you have to give, someone does not want? Such as Emily giving love, but not money? Or, someone not thanking you for what you gave? Disillusionment sometimes seems to just swallow us up, and anger, resentment, or confusion are not far behind.
The thing I have found the most peace at with this topic, is the following by Albert Schweitzer:
“…It does not matter so much what you do. What matters is whether your soul is harmed by what you do. If your soul is harmed, something irreparable happens, the extent of which you won’t realize until it will be too late.
These three great temptations unobtrusively wreck the presupposition of all goodness. Guard against them. Counter the first temptation [indifference, followed by uselessness] by saying that for you to share experience and to lend a helping hand is an absolute inward necessity.
Your utmost attempts will be but a drop in the ocean compared with what needs to be done, but only this attitude will give meaning and value to your life…
The small amount you are able to do is actually much if it only relieves pain, suffering, and fear from any living being, be it human or any other creatures. The preservation of life is the true joy.
As for the other fear, the fear that compassion will involve you in suffering, counter it with the realization that the sharing of sorrow expands your capacity to share joy as well. When you callously ignore the suffering of others, you lose the capacity to share their happiness, too….
So I tell you, don’t let your hearts grow numb. Stay alert. It is your soul which matters.”
—
I love this. I only put part of it up here. It is so true. I especially like what he says about sharing in suffering. If you can’t relieve another’s suffering, you can at least share it with them. You may not be able to, or need to, heal or fix their agony. But, you can sit with them a while, and share it. Like Johanna said–what we tend to do is distance ourselves when we can’t fix something. It hurts so much. But Schweitzer is right–SHARING sorrow is an enabling power.
It goes against the natural man, that’s for sure. But I’m working to practice it.
Amy–I think you are good at reciprocal giving–you are one of the most sincerely willing-to-help people I know. Being on the receiving end can make you more aware of others’ needs, and I think that’s definitely true of you.
Kristin–What a great quote. “What matters is whether your soul is harmed by what you do.” I also like the concept of sharing sorrow as an enabling power. The Bible Dictionary defines grace as an enabling power, so when we share another’s sorrow, I think we also extend them grace.
There is always the challenge of how much to help those in need. Evan as King Benjamin counseled to impart of our substance, he also said to do things in wisdom and order, not running faster than we have strength. Clearly the best thing we have to offer is the all of God’s children is Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through the church programs we can elevate with the Perpetual Education Fund, fast offerings, welfare, and various literacy activities.
Within the community of the church there are mentors and a network of potential business contacts. Of course this is a risk that those of good will be exploited. From time to time we read about someone who used his church position of respect to enlist ward members in some scam.
When I was on my mission a member approached the church asking for a small business loan. He could have gone to a bank, but the banks in Taiwan at that time charged about 20% interest. We had no program within the church to loan him the money. We know that sometimes folks just need a little capital to get them started to have a successful business.
We can and should do private charity, but working within the church programs ensures some safeguards as to the validity of individual needs and accountability.
That reminds me. There was another woman on my mission, Lupe, who needed money to start a business… when I hear about microcredit I often think of her and wonder how she’s doing. She moved around so much that I completely lost track of her, and have never heard from her at all. She needed $200 to start a jewelry-making business, and if I could find her again in Cuenca and give it to her I would.
Thank you for mentioning the Church programs such as the PEF. To me that’s a perfect example of how we can give effectively. And it’s interesting, now that I think of it, that the Church does indeed set boundaries on the way that it gives.
I know that giving to private charities including the Church’s programs helps ensure that the proper recipients will receive the aid. In this way we can avoid inappropriate dependence and other harmful situations. Still I think we (I) need the sanctifying, humbling experience of one-on-one giving.
Often I get so wrapped up in my daily checklist and my own needs that I neglect those around me who may be in need, even if all they need is a smile. If I am not careful, I can begin to think of service (hometeaching, church calling, donations to charities, etc.) as another item to check off my list. A celestial life isn’t about jumping through all the hoops, it’s about the nature of our relationships with others (even strangers). Elder Ballard during last General Conference mentioned that the programs of the church must not overshadow the people. Me completing the minimum requirements of my church service and/or offering money does not exempt me from sensitive service to those around me.
I am not discouraging donations to charities. I just believe they should happen as a natural extension of the love we show to those around us daily. Of course, everyone has different constraints, both of time and money, that may limit their capacity to serve. The proper balance for each individual should be a matter of personal prayer.
After reading this thread I’m struck with the fact that most people have not endured true need and the way it is discussed sounds so very pious and naive. The conditions set reflect all that is arrogant and selfish in the way the world serves not in Christ’s mission.
LAGirrl,
I am interested to hear what solutions and ideas you have. From what you wrote, it seems that you are quite frustrated with the post and our responses so far. What are your thoughts on these issues?
LAGirrrl,
Actually, I think that the article itself tries to address the question, “What is true need?” I think it is obvious that there are varying levels of need. On the most basic level, you have the basic needs of life: food, water, shelter, etc., and until these basic needs are met, attempting to address other needs will likely be futile and a waste. When the world thinks of “charity,” it generally refers to helping meet these needs.
Then there are spiritual needs–the needs that help us to progress, learn, grow, and (hopefully) become better people. The need for love, kinship, friendship, for spiritual and moral support are at a different level entirely. In my experience, our charity and compassion are more frequently needed in relation to these needs than they are to the more basic needs. Helping others meet their needs on this level can become much more complicated–I cannot write a check for moral support, nor can it be administered through my bishop.
Isn’t it interesting, though, that Christ himself, though able to fully comprehend and see all need, and further able to satisfy all needs of all people at all times, chooses not to do so? I believe that it is as we attempt to learn from Him that we are able to find true charity and compassion within ourselves.
I plead guilty to being pious and naive. LAGirrrl, enlighten us. How can we be less naive and pious? What should we do to be more Christ like?
Nick–I like the idea of charity as a natural extension to the love we show around us daily.
Matt- Wouldn’t that be great if we could write a check for moral support?
Dad–I don’t think you are pious or naive.
LAgirrl–I have not experienced true need. Ever. You are right. So I speak from naiveness, for sure. But I have seen need, and felt a desire to help, and helped in the wrong way. One year we gave a significant sum of money, anonymously, to someone who was struggling with paying rent. We found out later that this money, which we gave assuming it would go to pay rent (knowing that this was a clear need), caused contention between the husband and wife. He did not want it to go to rent. I don’t know how they ended up working out the rent, but they did.
Now, we didn’t attach strings to the money we gave. When it left our hands, it was theirs. But this experience taught me that I had not given effectively. Maybe better,although perhaps arrogant, would have been to contact the landlord, which we could have done, and anonymously pay that way. There are probably even better ways than that. Instead of them, our ineffective giving caused contention, and solved neither the symptom–inability to pay bills–nor the underlying cause–insufficient income.
So I’m wondering, how should I have responded to this situation I knew about? What would have been more effective? How can we avoid being pious, naive, arrogant, and selfish?
Well, I guess I outed myself so I better start talking!
I have played the part of the chipper “white” girl that knew the gospel is enough for all of those who will listen and happily and naively served a mission with my testimony in my back pocket. I thought I saw cases of need and quickly realized that our help as missionaries..i.e. clothes, food for a Thanksgiving meal,teaching the gospel etc. was met usually with a bit of embarassment and contempt, though I never quite understood why. The comment about feeling betrayed by the family that asked for help after you left to America, they may have been the one’s to feel betrayed, possibly? For a long time I served in the church and had nothing to do with a global or reaching outside of my community to serve anyone. I honestly was struggling with finding a husband and being a returned missionary in a single’s ward to notice or care.
At age 26 my Dad passed away and I saw how members served my Mother, which at times was desperately needed as many women have few skills to deal with a house and other such issues as finances, pumping one’s own gas, etc. My Mom fell under this category. And people came and helped. Most people got it. So it opened my eyes a little more to serving in my own ward and close to home. The problem for me was that because I was married everyone assumed I had all of the moral support I needed in my husband and his Priesthood. I did not and the support I needed while attending to my Mom’s grief and my Dad’s death was sorely lacking. But I understood how and why the general moral rally was around her. Really, I did.
Within a year I went through a divorce and realized that I was very much on my own now cuz no one really really wants to be involved in a single divorcee personal life…too sticky. And I withdrew all efforts, however small, to be served. Between my unresolved grief with my Dad’s death and my divorce I was in too much pain to begin to ask for what I needed, had I even known. I’ve struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety off and on through my adult years which has kept me away from church more than anything.
That is a little history but my greatest learning happened after 2000. I lost all of the key male figures in my life, 3 men in 4 months. That along with 9/11 really put my life in a tail spin. The economy plus my state of mind was all it took for me to eventually find myself homeless. So this is the part that I can speak on this topic. When you can’t take care of yourself due to circumstances that are literally acts of God or not of your making it changes your view point upon charity and who gets what and how it is handed out. People mean well and want to help but if it gets too messy or looks like the person can’t or isn’t willing to help themselves people, rightfully so, get discouraged and don’t want to be taken advantage of. People find themselves in many different places in life and it is very easy for us to judge or to think we know what would be needed.
My main frustration from this article is that people in need can tell you what they need. A ride, money, a blessing. A job lead. And it may be a place to crash for 6 months while they get their heads straight. I understand boundaries and think they are important. I do. I work at a homeless teen shelter, I’m paid to keep boundaries and motivate youth to think and move on their own.
I recently spent one whole day off racing around town finding scrubs, clothing, resources for a homeless man I met by my local store…I did this twice as the first bag got stolenm he said. I felt liberated that after such a long run of being unable to help myself that I could help someone else and work in a field of social service. But I ran into him several months later and he gave me a big hug and profusely apologized that he had the second bag of belongings stolen. So now it was my turn to realize that my help wasn’t enough to get him on his feet in spite of his and my intentions. But it didn’t take away the thrill of stretching myself financially, emotionally and spiritually to see if my attempt could lift him to a new level of living. That part remained truly great and I got to experience the disappointment that others must have felt with me when I didn’t take their gifts and run into employment and security. But each offering made me stronger and able to see that serving is the only way to my true self, my patriarical blessing self. So the main point that I want to say to those of you who feel that the need is too big or you feel like it caused more pain or wasn’t appreciated is to lower your expectations. Realize that not everyone has the ability to think with common sense and in a linear fashion and that it will require you to be left hanging in the fray of service which can be uncomfortable and unrewarding.
I don’t know if this helps give any understanding but a front row seat of tragedy is the best teacher unfortunately.
This post made me think of my favorite book ‘the poisonwood bible’ by barbara kingsolver. ever read it? it’s amazing.
i wonder what kind of charity person i am? i have been on the receiving end for so long as my husband has trudged through nine years of school. let me tell you, the foodstamps and medicaid office is a thrilling place. this has made me think about what kind of ‘giver’ i can be now and what i can do whem my husband gets a ‘real job’. it is between us and the Lord how we respond to the promptings we are given. and i think we receive many promptings. there have been days when an invitation to take my crazy and wild kids to the park with another mom has meant more to me than $100.
LAGirrl–Hey, thanks for responding. You have been through a lot. What I get from your story is that you’re saying any kind of service is ennobling, whether or not the end is what you had planned. We need to be less concerned about whether our service turns out the way we had hoped and more concerned about serving in the first place. Kind of like what Mormon says in Moroni 8:something, “perfect love casteth out all fear.”
It seems that the things you have suffered have taught you to expand the boundaries you would have set otherwise. I love your line “not everyone has the ability to think with common sense and in a linear fashion.” This thread has had common sense and linear thinking all over it; most of us are like that. But it’s true that many of the ones who need our help will not perceive the world in the same way.
I’m sure MarÃa felt betrayed… it was not in my power to bring her to the States, though, which was what she hoped for. I also felt that if I sent her money she would come to depend on it. Given my student budget, and resulting irregular ability to send money, that would not have been good for her family. It would have created more harm than good.
As in all things, I think there needs to be a balance: We can’t help everyone. But we all need to seek what you call “the thrill of stretching myself financially, emotionally, and spiritually to see if my attempt could lift him to a new level of living.” Maybe a problem with my boundaries, and the reason they make me feel guilty, is that I’m not stretching myself enough before I set them.
You should write about your experiences… hey, I even know a place you could send essays to!
Noelle–Love the Poisonwood Bible. I see the resemblance to this thread, it’s true. It is also true that not all valuable gifts are monetary… thank you!
It has been important for me to realize that just because my efforts at giving don’t change anything, I should still give what I can.
My anecdotes (perhaps too long, sorry):
When I had postpartum depression, there were lots of times that I needed Priesthood blessings. My husband is a worthy Priesthood holder but sometimes, he didn’t realize or he was just plain overwhelmed and truly could have used someone (who we felt comfortable with) to help him administer to me–and probable administer to my husband too.
We did the best we could. We both stayed active in church, fulfilled callings, etc. But, I have sometimes thought that it would have been nice to have a hometeacher who could have checked in on us (we live 1000 miles away from any family and were new to the area) and that I might have felt more comfortable asking for a Priesthood blessing from someone like that. I understand that having a home teacher wouldn’t cure me of depression, that his service to us probably wouldn’t have made a big dent. BUT, we could have used a friend anyway. –someone to whom we would owe nothing, someone who would care about us and get NOTHING in return, like a father figure.
And then from the other end of things, my grandmother has alzheimers. She lives 2000 miles away. For us to travel to see her for even a week or two requires a lot of money and effort. (We’re living on student loans while my h. is getting his doctorate.)
Then, once I get there, even if I go everyday to see her, it will change nothing. She will not be cured. She might not know I belong to her. She might not know I’m there. But I’ll know. And my Heavenly Father will know. And therefore, we will spend money we don’t really have to get there.
Will it be “effective service?” No, not if you look at things from a commerce standpoint. (Or if you’re valuing results.) But someday I will see my grandmother after we have both passed away, and she will know that I loved her with action and that I tried to give back to her the love she gave to me as a little girl.
Carrie–I like the eternal perspective in your service. When you see your grandmother again you will look at each other with clear eyes.
What a great discussion! Loved your post Emily. It has given me a lot to think about. I want to serve, but in some situations I fear becoming an “enabler” which doesn’t help anyone. It’s tricky to know how to set boundaries–of course, this is why we must rely on the spirit. Sometimes it seems that giving service makes me feel like I am reaching down to help someone; but when I view the person I serve as a friend in equal standing, (or worth, maybe) then I feel more like the two of us become “we.” Perhaps because then my service is more motivated by love than duty. Thanks for your thoughts.
Jennifer B.,
I think that the problem of becoming an enabler is largely out of our hands, and is primarily dependent on the person you are serving. If the person needing help perceives themselves to be a victim, then it will be for ANYONE to truly help them. As LAGirrrl said, there will always be those who do not think rationally or linearly about their situation. Thus, the need to help others regardless of situation, but with boundaries set.
I don’t really have the time to do justice to this, but Emily and I have often talked about the concept of a “service handicap,” similar to a golf score handicap. There are some people who will accept your service for what it is: an expression of love and support. Such people do not have a “service handicap,” and thus it is much easier to serve them. Someone with a high handicap does not see service rendered to them as an expression of love, but rather feels entitled to any service they receive. They take whatever you give and still expect more. The irony is that this makes them more difficult to serve.
We call this a handicap because the person receiving the service has an important part to play in how service is given and received. Someone with a high “service handicap” is in a very real way limiting the kind of service that can be given to them.
That is exactly the attitude that stinks, Matt. It is not for us to calculate how and who needs service. That is the smugness I’m furious about. If you can’t serve freely, than don’t serve at all. Really. Being the receiver does not leave you vacant to the energy and mood of the giver. They are in need not a lesser species or “handicapped”. It just screams of “Ugly American”–so pompous and berating.
This whole issue is why it’s just easier for me to do service annonymously. It’s just easier. Maybe that’s a cop-out, but I don’t want to artifically place myself in some position of false judgement.
I’d just rather donate/serve/whatever and not have to worry about where it’s going or if the person will be “grateful” for it, because on many levels, it doesn’t matter if they’re grateful. If they need the help, they need the help.
The church’s programs are a good start to doing something annon. There are lots of other great places too.
King Benjamin certainly would agree with you, LAGirrrl (though he might be a bit less attacking in his delivery ;-)).
But the truth is that in one of the greatest sermons ever preached we are commanded to impart of our substance to those in need without judgment or condition. Furthermore, we’re told that if we do not, we have “great cause to repent.”
It’s tempting to try and rationalize our way around this, but King Benjamin leaves little room for misinterpretation: “And if ye judge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your condemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God” (Mosiah 4:22).
Of course, we’re not expected to give what we don’t have: “And again, I say unto . . . ye who have not and yet have sufficient, that ye remain from day to day; I mean all you who deny the beggar, because ye have not; I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give” (Mosiah 4:24).
But the bottom line is, if we have, we should give–without qualification or judgment.
It’s a hard truth, but a truth nonetheless.
I don’t mean to sound all pious here. Believe me, I am not even CLOSE to being perfect in this commandment. I struggle and grumble and “yeah, but” far too often when confronted with opportunities to give. But the commandment is clear. Many times I have looked the other way and walked right past beggars on the street, but each time I have done so, I have sinned. I know it’s not always prudent to give money in such cases, but I can usually give something–food, a pair of gloves, even just a kind word. One of my husband’s colleagues once took the coat right off his own back and wrapped it around a man who sat, huddled over and shivering, in a corner on the sidewalk. “I’ve got another one at home,” he said when my husband questioned him about it.
There is so much need in the world. It truly can become overwhelming. We can’t do it all, but we can do what we can do.
And we should.
And thus ends our sermon for the day . . .
I love Sharlee Sermons! Thanks Sharlee
LAGrrrl and others,
Perhaps we will have to agree to disagree, here, but I believe that the more you can understand the person you are trying to help, but better you will be able to be of service. It’s like the example Emily gave above, where a large sum of money was given with every good and sincere intention, and yet it turned out to cause marital discord within the family. If I simply go out and pass out the same “charity blanket” to every person in need, am I really doing any good? Perhaps to some, but not to all.
I’ll try to explain myself a different way. Think of the old cliche about teaching a man to fish instead of just giving him one to eat. My point was that, just because I didn’t give someone a fish didn’t mean that I wasn’t charitable. However, someone with a high “handicap” (I guess that word has too many bad implications, thus the encouragement to think of it in golfing terms) will not accept anything less than a fish. They are unable to see beyond their immediate situation.
Sharlee,
I don’t think that I am saying anything at odds with what King Benjamin said. We are commanded to serve others without judgment and without condition, and are also commanded to not run faster than we have strength. Does this not imply that certain limits will need to come into play in some way?
The “calculation” that everyone seems to object to seems to me to be necessary. How do you get around it? Do we not need priorities in our lives? How do you prioritize charitable acts when there are many choices placed before you?
Sharlee, I’m sure that is not the only difference between King Benjamin and I but thanks for the comment and the sermon.
Jennifer–Thanks so much for your comments. I think relying on the Spirit is key in all of this. I like the idea of viewing the people we serve as friends in equal standing. Very nice. I hadn’t put it that way before, but I think that is a very important aspect of becoming “we.â€
Matt–This way of viewing those who need help was really useful to me when I was trying to find wisdom and order in serving. I also like your fish example.:)
LAGirrrl- I think Matt was referring to golf handicaps, not actual disabilities. He’s using the term in a completely different way than “handicap†as a developmental disability. I know he meant no disrespect to those in need.
I have to take issue with the idea that if we can’t serve freely, we shouldn’t do so at all. There have been many times in my life when my service has begun grudgingly, but my heart has changed in the process.
jabber–I like the Church’s programs too. We do give anonymously through them (love the PEF!), but I think it’s hard to “become we†with someone when we serve anonymously. Nevertheless, it makes me feel good to pay fast offerings and humanitarian aid. I trust the Church to administer it wisely.
Sharlee–Thank you for bringing King Benjamin into this. He preaches a great sermon and so do you :-). I have been thinking about this discussion all day, though I haven’t had a chance to really respond until just now, and I think that within King Benjamin’s speech are the two key issues in this discussion: 1- we are commanded to give of our substance to those who stand in need, and 2-we need to “see that all these things are done in wisdom and order.†What if I replaced every use of the more-limiting word “boundaries†in this discussion with the phrase “wisdom and order� I think that makes a difference in how we perceive it, even though the ideas are similar.
In my experience, often those who seek “wisdom and order†in their service are not those who don’t want to serve in the first place, but those who are worn out through their attempts to help others. I had an experience in which my service to someone became emotionally and spiritually draining. I needed to set boundaries, or, in other words, find wisdom and order to my service. Not stop serving altogether, but find a way to serve that didn’t affect me so negatively.
I think the blessing of “becoming we†with someone is knowing through the Spirit that I have found that perfect balance of sacrifice, serving, charity, wisdom, and order. I can think of only a few times in my life when I’ve experienced that pure heart-melding. In fact, I realize now that my initial question, “what have you given that has created ‘we’ between you and the receiver?†is one that everyone who has posted has found too personal to answer. Becoming we is a holy experience, and when we find it, we want to cherish it to ourselves.
Oh, Matt, I didn’t mean to suggest that your comments were contrary to King Benjamin’s teachings; I was merely pointing out that King Benjamin and LAGirrrl were on the same page in their insistence that service should be given without judgement. And then I just sorta got carried away in my own pontificating!:-)
Emily, this has been a great discussion. Thanks.
No offense taken. Though, there have been times when I have wondered if a person could write a blog or a comment with one word–say, “juice” or “beans”–without having SOMEONE take it the wrong way.
Sharlee–thank you! And thanks to everyone for your comments. I have enjoyed the discussion as well.