“I’m bored. I’m so excruciatingly bored that I can’t stand it.”
I tried to muster up some sympathy as Don looked up at me piteously.
“I need to be splitting wood. I want to be outside working. Last night I had a dream that we were vagabonds, wandering the streets, sleeping on other people’s front yards. In my dream we stopped by a lawnmower store. I was so sad, because I wished that I had a lawn to mow.”
This is the latest lyme disease challenge—boredom. Of course Don does have a lawn to mow, it just isn’t very big. And that was the whole idea. When we sold our country house with its half acre lawn and wood stove last summer, we did it largely to reduce Don’s workload. You’d think he could be a little bit grateful—but not so.
“I feel so unfulfilled,” he finished.
In response I’ve found myself wondering, “What about me? Am I feeling fulfilled?”
Fulfillment is a hot topic among many mothers I know. Fulfillment as in, “I want to make a contribution to the world outside my family so that I can feel more fulfilled,” or “I feel so unfulfilled staying at home sorting socks all day. I think I’ll get a job.” I resisted becoming a full time mom myself for two years after my oldest was born, because I (mistakenly) expected to find motherhood unfulfilling. Maybe that’s why I was fascinated by Courtney Kendrick’s essay on “Infertility and Fulfillment.” I had to ask myself, what do sick men, frustrated mothers, and a woman struggling with infertility really have to do with one another? What is the key to fulfillment?
The sad truth is that most of us will have times in our lives when the worthwhile opportunites that we had in mind don’t materialize. Don wishes we could be more physically active. I wish that someday I could get all the laundry and the dishes done at the same time. Courtney wishes she could be a mother, and for the moment, we are all coming up short. I don’t buy that that means we are all doomed to a life of emptiness.
Most of the time I do feel fulfilled. There was a time when I didn’t expect to find meaningful challenges in full time homemaking. Silly me. Not silly because mothering is the single most meaningful task on the planet (which it is) but silly because there are meaningful challenges everywhere. I’ve discovered satisfaction in doing things I never expected to care about, when I have been guided to those things by the Spirit and I have used them to bless the people around me. All the same, I do have days when I look around myself and wonder “Five children? What on earth was I thinking?” Days when baking bread sound less appealing than taking a class, reading a book, or writing an article. Days when there is too much challenge and not enough (readily visible) meaning.
Some of my favorite writers (Victor Frankle, Corrie ten Boom) have tackled the topic of finding joy in horrendous circumstances. It seems that a good percentage of us are still trying to figure out live with joy in ordinary circumstances. What about you? What’s your favorite part of Courtney’s essay? What chapter of life are you in? Are you feeling fulfilled? And what helps you when you aren’t?
I love Courtney’s conclusion that “this time has not been wasted.” It’s so hard to let go of our expectations of life when we are faced with unplanned, especially unwelcome challenges.
I’m in the chapter where young mom of toddlers is becoming middle-aged mom of tweens. I’ve been taking care of babies for almost 13 years now and just today I was feeling a little anxious about my children moving into their teens.
I feel most fulfilled when I am disciplined and working hard. (Too bad I think I’m lazy so much of the time!) It’s also fulfilling to do something as a family and see my kids getting along. Finally, having something like a book club, blog, or mom’s group helps me.
When I’m not feeling fulfilled I usually gripe to one of my sisters until I feel motivated to face my life and try again.
I’m a pretty happy person, I think. Somehow, long ago, I was taught that there’s not much point in complaining. Somehow, that message stuck (it’s a wonder, considering how many other messages slid right by).
So fulfilled? Yes. I like Courtney’s comment that no matter what phase of life my body is in, it can always do the work of the Lord. So, no matter how my body rebels against my size 8 jeans (ok, size 10), I can still serve the Lord.
I find that when I am not fulfilled it is usually because “my plan” for life has been waylaid. For example, during hell-year 2 years ago when my daughter’s illness manifested itself I was not fulfilled. I pretty much hated life during that period. I was not able to do any of the things which help me to feel fulfilled because my life was consumed by her illness.
I was never able to come to terms with what my life was during that period. Thankfully, the worst passed and I am able to deal with what my life has become.
My aunt (who is a quadreplegic) has come to terms with “God’s plan for her”. It wasn’t what she wanted, but, after 15 years of readjusting her life plans, she is fulfilled with what she can do. (By the way, she does amazing stuff with family history research).
Cheesy as it sounds, I think that is what fulfillment is. Finding God’s plan for us and aligning our vision with His. That usually takes time.
I agree that for me fulfillment has everything to do with spiritual connection. I had a season of my life when i tried to find satisfaction by doing what I thought I was best at, what I thought I enjoyed most. Briefly, I worked full time and my husband stayed home. The results were very negative for our family; in fact, Don and I almost ended up getting divorced. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, butl me tell you, fulfilled wasn’t the word.
Since I became a full time homemaker I’ve put energy into things that were never my passion before. I’ve learned to make jam, sprout beans, and remove melted crayons from the laundry, In themselves those things aren’t especially exciting to me, but looking at the big picture of my life I am so much happier, so much more fulfilled, Maybe it goes back to that scripture about how in loosing our selves we find them.
I think for me it also goes back to gratitude. If I had never lived the other side, perhaps I would always be somewhat unsettled about homemaking, wondering if I was really making the best use of my time and talents. At any rate, I know other women who haven’t really taken that experiment to its natural end, and who seem to have a feeling of constant low-level frustration and doubt about themselves and their roles.
I agree that it is hard to find fulfillment without knowing what God’s plan for us is. If I could just figure out what he wants me to be, I could work on accepting it, but He has not even seen fit to make it known to me what I am supposed to be doing just yet.
I agree, sister alone.
When my daughter’s illness came along I had no idea how this could fit into God’s plan for me or her. I still don’t. But I’m trying to turn it over to Him, trusting that he has a plan.
I know you are trying to do that too. Not having God’s omniscience is hard.
Hugs to you in your challenges.
A sister alone,
I just re-read your post under a living sacrifice.
I wanted to share with you that my daughter’s illness is mental illness (OCD and bipolar). I don’t know your particular situation, but I know the physical and emotional pain my daughter’s illness has caused in our family. I don’t know how it ties into God’s plan, but I am trying to trust that He does have a master plan.
Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief.
Again, hugs to you in your challenges.
I have absolutely loved reading these comments and thanks to Angie for the honor.
Last year I hit the phase of “just tell me whatever the plan is and I will go for it with determination and passion!” I studied the great prophets who were able to see the future (Nephi, Lehi, The Brother of Jared) and prayed for that ability. I wanted to see a vision of my entire life played out so that I could be happy either way. Childless, adoption, freezing eggs, whatever it may be.
At some point in all of this seeking, it occurred to me that the Lord had given me the answer and I just refused it. Like Elder Holland says, sometimes we deny ourselves personal revelation.
Good Luck A sister alone. At least you are not alone in this “what is the will?” boat. On most days, I am there with a paddle.
Where does my fulfillment come from? Wow..what a question. for me, part of it comes from my relationships. If my relationship with God feels good, and my relationship with my husband feels good, then I feel fulfilled. When my human relationships experience tough times…then I have a super hard time with it. I almost have to compensate by putting energy into a different relationship, or different endeavor, temporarily, to keep myself afloat.
I feel fulfilled as a mother, again, because of the relationship that I am nurturing with my daughter, and all that I do to serve her. But…I do not feel fulfilled intellectually, and that is one thing I really miss about my pre-child life.
I struggle with this, because I feel that I am “supposed” to feel 100% fulfilled in all the homemaking and mother stuff—and not need any other stimulus. I also feel like perhaps I am not expressing gratitude for the blessing of having her, if I admit I need more to my life, than my role as a mother. Crazy, irrational…yes, all of that!
I can’t imagine feeling totally fulfilled in every dimension by caring for one infant…but I think I expected that of myself early on too. Of course I was working when I first was a baby, but when i was home I felt guilty if I wasn’t gazing into her sweet little eyes every moment. She could be happily snoozing in her swing, and I’d say to Don “Don’t I need to pick her up?” “Why? She’s sleeping peacefully.” “”I don’t know. Aren’t we supposed to be bonding?” It was just all too easy, in one sense. I had more energy to give, and I needed more challenge. I think that’s one reason I started homeschooling when my kids were preschoolers. Reading and implementing everything I could find about learning gave me a challenge. That is certainly one reason I got way into cooking from food storage and some of the other homemaking stuff I do after I came home full time. It’s not that I love making powdered milk cheese for itslef, it’s that doing something new kept me engaged on the home front. Bean sprouts themselves didn’t save my marriage–but finding a way to do the essentials that my family needed and keep myself sane in the process did.
oops. first had a baby. But then, if you’d known me then you might agree with the first version.
I attended a stake women’s conference on Saturday and went to a workshop entitled, “Lifelong Learning”. Initially I thought I’d skip it and do something else, because I was sure that hearing from a panel of sisters with multiple degrees, one a professor, one a high-powered business woman, one an editor, and the last an investment banker (two of whom are also raising children) would make me feel guilty. In the end I changed my mind hoping to glean some wisdom and encouragement from women who had been able to accomplish so much. But I should have followed my gut, because in the end I did feel guilty. Actually maybe guilty isn’t the right word. I felt like I was less than them, with my one degree and my two small children with whom I choose to stay home. Maybe it’s me and my own insecurity, maybe it’s the tone they are used to using as they defend their choices that take them away from the home, maybe it was just PMS. But it has led to a great self-discussion about the choices I am making and why. I was able to leave and pray and think about all the feelings and questions that had been raised. And with a little help from the spirit I found the right questions to keep pondering. And I have felt his love and encouragement regarding my choices as a woman, mother, wife, as His daughter. I would never presume to say that I feel fulfilled 100% of the time, but life is a sequence of events and like President Faust said in a talk to his granddaughters, we should sing each verse with all of our hearts. It was something like that, something about really enjoying what we have in the present and knowing that life would bring changes, and we’d be able to experience it one thing at a time.
(Continued from above, operator error) I love that idea, then we stop waiting for it to get better, or to reach a certain point. I think that’s at the heart of what Courtney discussed in her essay as well. What a powerful concept.
Hey,
I love what you’e doing!
Don’t ever change and best of luck.
Raymon W.