Declaring War

Posted by Kellie | September 11, 2009 | 38 Comments

I don’t know when I decided to be an adult. I suppose there must have been a decision that meant I chose to “grow up”, but I cannot remember what that decision was or when it happened. I know that I am an adult, with the responsibilities and demands that such involves, but how much of adulthood is declaring war on our own childhoods? In the latest issue of Segullah, Kylie Nielson Turley’s “A War Poem” has set me to thinking, to considering where my motives come from, and celebrating the freedoms that we often overlook as adults.

In primary school I had to run sprints, from the wattles at one end of the school to some indeterminate spot far off. I hated sprinting. I sprinted like a hanging scarecrow, elbows and knees flying but going nowhere. I hated sneezing through the pollen clouds, loathed watching everyone’s back get further and further away, stared intently at the gum trees off to the side as my classmates ran back towards me. I never reached the turning point, my teacher would always call me back to follow my classmates. One of my first declarations of war in adulthood was to not ever sprint again.

But like Kylie in her poem, I didn’t give up the task or end goal. Kylie rebels against hoeing, choosing instead to “nip and tuck weeds between thumb and finger”. I fight sprinting, and instead run at a measured pace over several kilometres, still looking at the gum trees I run past, enjoying them even more now without the pressure and fear of death by internal explosion.

I am a woman now.

Tasteless brown slimy vegetables,

I do not have to eat

if I don’t want to.

I do not want to.

The one line heard most often in our kitchen growing up was “No afters if you don’t finish your dinner.” It didn’t matter what was on the plate, or how much, I had to choke it all down if I was going to lay claim to dessert. Qualifying for my afters usually killed my appreciation of it, and I would remind myself that things would be different “when I grew up”.

Now when I’m out for dinner or lunch, I ask to see the dessert menu before I order my meal. My friends and family are bemused at the shimmy-wiggle I do in my seat when dessert is placed before me. I order my main after I’ve chosen my afters, I won’t eat the entire main if I don’t feel like it, or if room for dessert is threatened. Yet I don’t make a big deal of any of this – as Kylie writes, “Now I sit small” and quietly make my choice of dessert, and continue to enjoy the conversation.

As an adult, I have the freedom and opportunity to wage war on my childhood, my youth, my younger self, to change the way I live to be different to how I grew up. I can choose my battles, run the race, and usually eat the spoils. I am a woman now, and it can be fun.

What have you chosen to rebel against? How does that manifest in your everyday? What is something that you did as a child and now deliberately wage war against? You are a woman now – what is something “you do not want to”, so you don’t?

Comments

38 Responses to “Declaring War”

Patti
September 11th, 2009 @ 11:34 am

When my kids were teenagers I let them sleep until they didn’t want to sleep anymore. That wasn’t an option in my home. Small thing, but I didn’t want to be THAT parent.
wendy
September 11th, 2009 @ 11:50 am

Great post, Kellie! And I LOVED Kylie’s poem.

I refuse to eat lima beans and most cooked peas & green beans, so the mushrooms made me laugh. I often eat dessert first or sneak things from the banquet table while food is being prepared. I think I do the dessert shimmy, too, and often eat it with lots of yummy noises.

I love your questions and will be thinking about them all day.

The two things that I wasn’t expecting to come to mind are that I wage war against too much tv and against repressing emotions. Both of those were a huge part of my family growing up; I started rebelling against them shortly before leaving to college. I’ve won some battles, lost a few, been a bad soldier here and there, but overall am much better off in those areas than I was 20+ years ago.

I also rebel against having summer and winter clothing color schemes. I don’t even know how much people pay attention to that anymore, but when I was growing up and in college, it was a big deal and I refused to comply. I’ll wear floral prints or browns & blacks whenever I feel like it, thankyouverymuch.

I rebel against the idea that makeup is essential to look beautiful. I do fill in my overplucked eyebrows most days, and on an occasional Sunday I wear partial makeup, but I’m generally probaly pretty pasty . . . but I still feel pretty and it saves me a bundle of time and money.

I also rebel against shaving my legs like it matters. I shave on Saturdays or Sundays in case I wear a short skirt without hose, but that is IT.

I rebel against fashion magazines and $100+ jeans and having to be perfect at everything I do.
Michelle L.
September 11th, 2009 @ 11:52 am

I love all your Australianisms in this post!

As for what I wage war against? Oh my. I’ll be back.
jenny
September 11th, 2009 @ 11:55 am

After reading the last line of the first comment: “I didn’t want to be THAT parent”, I have a feeling that many of the comments here are going to {pretty much *have* to} involve some type of rebellion against our parents’ many different parenting styles, strategies and choices. I have a huge laundry list myself. But I find myself thinking, as I read this post, that THAT is one of the greatest gifts I get to have as an adult. I get to decide which of the things my parents did right (and there were plenty) and keep those for my own family; even build upon them to make them uniquely “mine”. And I also get to decide which ones I will happily reject.

Now, I just have to remind myself in 15 or 20 years from now, that my children will be allowed that gift as well.
angie f
September 11th, 2009 @ 11:59 am

I generally rebel against dinner table dramas. Too many dinners during my growing up were ruined by children made to sit until they cleaned their plates. Ironically, my children are worlds pickier than any of my siblings or I ever were, but they are free to eat or not (breakfast is in the morning) and that ends the discussion. Most of the rebellion against my youth will likely happen in how I deal with my daughter as she becomes a teen–my disagreements with my parents during my teens were epic and lasted pretty much from puberty onset until mid college.

I definitely rebel against hosiery worn in the summertime.

My first thought when reading this post was of an altercation my uncle had when he moved back in with his parents after a stormy 25 year marriage and subsequent divorce. My grandmother made one of her usual meals and my uncle just said no: I’m sorry mom, I never liked x dish then and now I am finally old enough to never ever eat it again.
Catania
September 11th, 2009 @ 12:21 pm

Love the post. It’s funny – While growing up, my family didn’t have much structure. In some ways, my rebellion has been clinging to structure. For example, when I was a child going to private school, we were at least 15 minutes late every single day. I have recorded in my Ramona Quimby journal (from second grade), “My wish is that for once, we’d get to school on time.”

I wasn’t an anal kid, and I don’t think I’ll ever be, but it’s funny because when I graduated into adulthood, and especially motherhood, I looked forward to having some parameters – like mealtime and bedtime.

Oh – and the one rule that actually was staunch in my childhood house – no sports (viewing) on Sundays. I have to admit, we now watch a lot of football every single Sunday after church.

Thanks for the post!
Nan
September 11th, 2009 @ 12:36 pm

Lovely post. I was homesick for a moment–I was a missionary in Australia and started running in my last couple of months to fight the 18 months of “afters.” I’d never run before and then, every day, there were the gum trees and the Blue Mountains and the view of the Three Sisters just before coming back up the hill at a much slower pace.

When I’d been home from my mission about six months my mother said to me “You’re different.” Almost accusingly. I was confused. Isn’t that point? Isn’t that a good thing? She shrugged and replied, “I saw the same thing with your older brother too; you both came home so strong, but you are different. There was a price to pay.”

I think it is this putting away of childhood that she is talking about.
Andrea R.
September 11th, 2009 @ 12:53 pm

So many things to rebel against! Nylons, slips, and football on Sunday! Mostly what I’m trying to change is to have open, honest communication between me, my husband, and my children. That was something that was lacking in my home and it took me a long time to be able to say something simple to my husband like, “No, I’d rather go here for dinner…” silly, I know.
JillM
September 11th, 2009 @ 12:54 pm

Hmm. I love the idea of using our adulthood to “heal” our childhood wounds. The trick for me has been rather than making choices that are an act of rebelion,to try to simply choose those things that are authentically ME. Somethings my parents (and others who influenced me) are, I am also, and others things, I am not. And I like making choices despite them, not TO spite them. Does that make since?
Angela
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

Nobody is ever going to make me play softball again. Or volleyball. Or basketball.
I do not want to.
I just had a long talk with my daughter the other day about how much she hates playing team sports at school and the only thing I could say to console her was, “Don’t worry. One of the awesome things about being a grown up is you’ll never have to play team sports again.”
Unless you want to.
FoxyJ
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

I have mostly declared war on apologizing for being myself. I have decided that as an adult I don’t need to do things that I don’t care about just to please others or to pretend to be something I’m not. It’s not really in a rebellious or rude way, but I’m much more comfortable with myself than I was 5 or 10 years ago. There are some things I do that my parents didn’t do, or things they did that I don’t do, but mostly because I’m becoming more comfortable with who I am and what I like or don’t like. Interestingly, I actually find myself trying more new things because I’m less rigid about being a certain kind of person. I like mushrooms but refuse to eat canned green beans.

I also declare war on having to eat all your food before having dessert. In our house we only really have dessert once or twice a week anyways, and as long as my kids have at least tasted their dinner I don’t care. My husband has a different attitude so sometimes we have a bit of a disagreement there
Ardis
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:28 pm

My high school graduation gift to myself was never having to play volleyball again.

That aside, I’ve struggled to think of something to add to the list given by other commenters. I can’t! The strangest thing is that now I’m happy to eat the carrots I hated to eat as a child, I like to chop vegetables (as a teen I would volunteer for anything as long as Mom would cut the veggies herself), I actually enjoy housecleaning now. And on and on with everything I can think of

For me, I guess becoming an adult meant giving up the loathing and learning to enjoy doing things that adults do.

But no volleyball. Real adults don’t play volleyball.
Justine
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

I’ve never been that much of a rebel. I think I just don’t want to have to make my bed every day.
marta
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:52 pm

i would occasionally tell my children if they didn’t finish their ice cream they couldn’t have any dinner.
Jenny
September 11th, 2009 @ 1:55 pm

I choose not to make my kids eat liver. And my mom smiles and likes that I don’t have to worry as much about getting iron and protein in more affordable forms.
Krista
September 11th, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

I don’t make my kids clean the house before their friends come over. I know they will just go to their friends’ house instead… and I love it when they come to our home. I have Mexican food for Christmas Dinner. I do not ground my daughter for being two minutes late for curfew. She is trustworthy. I let the housework go if a book is calling me. SOmetimes, even though I shouldn’t because of a back injury, I break into a short sprint when I walk the dog. Because I love to run, and I miss it. I miss it like I miss being 23, before the accident.
Melissa M.
September 11th, 2009 @ 2:51 pm

Like Angela, I do not ever want to play a team sport again. And I don’t have to.

I also don’t have to eat oranges and cashews for lunch or cottage cheese loaf and lentils for dinner—we had a weird, strict diet growing up, and I am so glad I don’t have to eat that way now. My sister keeps stashes of candy around the house because she felt so deprived when we were little (we got honey sesame treats from the health food store in our Easter baskets).

Nan, I lived in Emu Plains growing up and we used to drive to Katoomba and camp in the Blue Mountains. There is nothing lovelier than the Jamison Valley! Thanks, Kellie, for the Aussie references.
Peyton
September 11th, 2009 @ 3:02 pm

I put away the need to keep a flashlight in my bedside table for after-bedtime reading. Because I put bedtime when I want it (earlier than I would expect these days, but if I’m ready to go to bed, that’s my prerogative).

I linked to this on facebook. Love, love, love the poem. Hate the mushrooms.
Selwyn
September 11th, 2009 @ 3:25 pm

Such excellent comments!

Angie F – I’m with you about the tights/stockings (hose). Looks like lots of others are as well.

JillM – “despite not IN spite” – I absolutely understand and agree!

Ardis – loved “real adults don’t play volleyball”. I’d add badminton to that as well.

Marta – “if they didn’t finish their ice cream they couldn’t have any dinner.” I’m still giggling (and making notes)

Nan and Melissa M – were you ever served “sweets”? Same as dessert and afters, just by a different name. The rosellas are going nuts outside this morning too – spring is coming =)

Peyton – I keep a torch by my bed in case the power goes out while I’m reading.

Oh, and I’m commenting like this because I wrote the post =)
April
September 11th, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

When I was a kid my Mom sent us out to play in all weather. As an adult I reserve the right to stay in climate control whenever I want to. One of the best decisions my husband and I have made as a couple is to not worry at all about what our kids eat at family parties or on the holidays. If all they want to eat is rolls we are fine with it! It’s been fabulous for us. While other mother’s are checking plates and battling over a few more bites we are smiling and enjoy the holiday!
Blue
September 11th, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

funny, as i was reading this i thought “whoever kelli is, she sure reminds me of selwyn”

i make a big deal out of my kid’s birthdays.

they’ll never wake up on a holiday and wonder if it is going to be celebrated this year or not.

i don’t own a slip and only wear nylons if it’s a black tie event and i feel like it.

i don’t make my children put food they can’t bring themselves to swallow into their mouths…to be held there without swallowing for up to four hours after dinner is over, before letting them get up from the table.

if my DD had wanted to do girls scouts, even though the church doesn’t endorse it, i’d have let her.

if my son doesn’t want to take piano lessons, he doesn’t have to.

instead of dictatorially assigning chores to my kids, we discussed all the things we need to do in our family, made a list we all agree on, and then we hold ourselves accountable.

i buy cereal with sugar in it.

dessert isn’t only for birthdays.

i tuck my kids in bed, read them stories, and even sing them lullaby’s some nights…still (they’re 10 & 12).

i say “yes” as often as possible, and “no” only when there’s a reason to say no.
Kathryn P.
September 11th, 2009 @ 4:14 pm

A fun post… I think I lost my innocence and became an adult shortly after my father was killed when I was a little girl. Five years later, my mother took me and my four siblings to her psychologist and he decided that my mother and I had switched roles. She was playing the role of the rebellious teenager and I was playing the mother role. Everyone in our family played their respective roles with lots of anger mingled with tears. Now I rebel against all the darkness in my childhood by fighting my battles with kindness, love and light. The gospel of Jesus Christ is amazing!
she-bop
September 11th, 2009 @ 4:34 pm

I love this post. I’ve been having one of those kicked in the stomach kind of days. This is a good way to take my mind off life right now.

Anyway -

I buy Captain Crunch and Reeses Puffs because I want to. And it’s not even my birthday. I do find it very funny that my kids prefer Grape-nuts and Oatmeal. Whose kids are they anyway?

I go to bed when I want. My husband tries to reason with me that an earlier bedtime would be smart, but guess what? I’m an adult and I get to choose for myself. And if that means I climb into bed, after a night of sewing or reading, just when he gets up, so be it.

I wish I could say I wear what I want to, but with 3 teen daughters in the house, that’s not the case. I do wear alot of black though. Even though my mom always said blondes shouldn’t wear black. Haha.

I listen to whatever music I want. I remember when I was 17 or so my dad came in and looked at all my tapes (hey, it was the 80′s) and didn’t like some of the names of the bands. So he took them. Now I can play loud punk music if I want to, and no one can say anything.

I agree with the no nylons and shaving if and when I want to.

I’m sure I’ll keep thinking of more things – fun to think about.
m&m
September 11th, 2009 @ 6:18 pm

I liked JillM’s comment; I think ultimately, to really ‘grow up’ we have to do things proactively, not reactively. “Rebellion” is *against* something, and that means such a choice is still bound/tied/determined by something/someone else.

So, in that sense, I’m still in the middle of trying to grow up in about every way in my life. I recall Sis. Hinckley talking about getting to her 50s and feeling free to be herself — and I sense it wasn’t in a rebellious way, but more in a genuinely comfortable-with-herself way. That’s the person I want to grow up to be like. And I think that just takes time and lots of experience.
Nani Lii Furse
September 11th, 2009 @ 6:28 pm

I’ve always loved Christmas music but my family had one reel=to-reel holiday tape. (Yes, I am dating myself!) They wouldn’t allow me to play it until December. Now I buy a new CD almost every year and I can start playing them before Thanksgiving if I so desire!
Leslie
September 11th, 2009 @ 6:50 pm

I was never a rebellious child (seriously my parents had it so easy!)

Ha! I’ll join the slip rebellion- DETEST! only if you could say read a newspaper through the fabric- then that merits one IMO. I like to stay up late and have treats when I want them and watch TV in bed! I watch christmas movies/music whenever I want!
Melissa M.
September 11th, 2009 @ 7:09 pm

Kellie (Selwyn)—I wish I could hear those rosellas. And kookaburras……
m&m
September 11th, 2009 @ 7:19 pm

Now I buy a new CD almost every year and I can start playing them before Thanksgiving if I so desire!

That’s my fave one so far.
traci
September 11th, 2009 @ 8:47 pm

My husband and I always say when we want to do something – What do you really want to do, our mothers don’t live here!

I totally relate to the dessert thing!

Hey! Great post! Really proud of you!
JM
September 11th, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

My family tried to hide our disfunction. It was smothering. Today I am an open book. I don’t dump TMI on people, but I don’t try to hide anything. It is liberating, and it has allowed me to be of some help to others who are where I have been.

I tried to think of some things that were a little lighter in nature, but it just got me thinking about all the things growing up that I hated and how much better life is now and how much I need to have some therapy to get over my childhood baggage. Whew! That started out to be a simple question!

Well, here’s one. I only answer the phone when it’s convenient for me. Oh, and I frequently throw out the remains of dinner that I know no one will ever really eat. Yes, I’m wasteful. And part of me loves it.
Ashlee
September 11th, 2009 @ 9:39 pm

I wasn’t allowed to pierce my ears until I was 16. Both my daughters had theirs peirced at 3 months.

I didn’t even connect the two events until it was done.
And then it was so clear.

It’s funny how natural it is to claim things for our own.
m&m
September 11th, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

btw, sorry if my comment came across as heavy. i AM in therapy (a lot for my health issues, but other stuff obviously comes up, too), and sometimes I get a little too philosophical about life.
Sage
September 12th, 2009 @ 6:32 am

Great post, Selwyn, and question! I think asking ourselves what we fight against from our childhood is so important to becoming an adult. Being aware of why we choose certain things gives us greater control. I’ve heard adulthood described as being able to say no when you want and yes when you want.

Reading all the comments has been so interesting. I identified with most of them (except I’d love to play volleyball again–but I played varsity by choice in high school).

I think for me I rebelled by giving up so many of the good things my mom did: making her bed, cleaning regularly, eating dinner at the same time.

I’ve had to work on my own to find a way to clean out of love instead of just a sense of duty. And strangely for me, I used to clean only when I was angry.

I’ve tried to be open and honest with my spouse and kids.

I also read all day if I feel like it and go to bed whenever I want.

But I also kept things I didn’t want to do as an adult subconsciouly. Ways I treat people in the pattern my parents did, I am still struggling to war against sucessfully. Especially with my oldest son. At least now that I’m more aware, I am starting to ake progress.

Thanks!
Tay
September 12th, 2009 @ 10:30 am

Let’s see, things I’m rebelling against…

Having to stop reading because it’s bedtime. Baking delicious things even if it means being too tired to make a *real* dinner (you know, the kind with vegetables and stuff). Letting the child go to bed hungry if he doesn’t want to eat his dinner (oh all right, he’s only 1, but it will happen). Talking about how I feel and not holding it all in until I take it out on everybody around me.

I also love learning from my little mistakes on my own without getting in trouble for them. Like when I don’t clean my house for a few days and I feel stressed because of it. I might be relishing natural consequences a little too much.
Kylie
September 12th, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

Interesting, Jill and m&m. I can see why you assume rebelling is necessarily rebelling against something; the poem and some comments do seem to read like that. Reading these comments, though, made me realize that for me, the poem is more about taking control of one’s life and allowing oneself to choose. Some part of growing up is authentically knowing yourself well enough to know what you do and do not like, not to do or like ssomething because of familial,cultural or other pressure.

For example, I did not write that I rebel against cooking dinner. I spent the first two years of my marriage rebelling against cooking before I realized that I actually like cooking, despite it being women’s work (that was in my feminist phase). I had to grow up enough to realize that (1) I don’t have to love cooking dinner because I was taught my family and religion to do it and (2) I don’t have to hate cooking dinner because feminism told me it was demeaning to me when others expect me to cook for them every night.

No, the answer was (3) I like to cook. I just do. Sometimes it gets hard to think of new things to tempt 3-year-olds, but I truly enjoy a colorful, healthy meal. I love the social aspect of eating as well as the social aspect cooking (when I can get children to help me, anyway). Well. Whew. That was more than I planned to type. Apparently I have words left to say about food. Another poem, perhaps?
Melissa M.
September 12th, 2009 @ 5:23 pm

Kylie, it took me until I’d been married for five or six years before I could own the fact that there were certain aspects of “women’s work” that I actually enjoyed–like cooking. Doing laundry is another one (go figure). Of course, there are chores that I also despise, like grocery shopping. But it took me until I was in my thirties to realize I could actually embrace my homemaking role without betraying my feminist leanings.

BTW, I love this poem, and I think you should write one about cooking.
m2theh
September 15th, 2009 @ 9:58 am

I do not force my daughter to eat foods she hates. I encourage to try them, but if she doesn’t eat dinner, there will be another meal at some point. I once sat on a chair for 6 hours because I wouldn’t eat the french onion soup that we were having. We’re not repeating that at my house.
Ariana
September 15th, 2009 @ 2:56 pm

Selwyn I always love everything you write. It inspires me. This post got me really thinking…strangely enough, there aren’t a lot of fun things I do in waging my war. I have a lot of fun, but I think most of my focus and energy goes towards waging a war on mental health. Neither of my parents took care of their mental health and they both have struggled with depression severely. I fight that by trying to make my own mental health a priority and not feeling shame in seeking help when I need it.

Also, I am determined to love and enjoy my husband and marriage. Not fall victim to things in life but to live and love. I think just dreaming is one way we wage our wars. Allowing ourselves to dream and create. That’s the path I’m going.