Do you make of the costumes?

Posted by Allyson | May 21, 2007 | 20 Comments

True story.

A woman named Claudia called the other day and in a thick Peruvian accent said, “I hear you make of the costumes?”

Although I do know this woman (we both live in the same apartment complex), our previous conversations have consisted of a handful of exchanged greetings on the playground. I was somewhat surprised by this unexpected turn in the relationship.

“Yes,” I said, “I’ve made some costumes.” What else could I say?

Because the truth is, I have made costumes before. Three of them. The bridal dress my five-year-old wore to the Halloween party was a sight to behold. And it only took me five months to construct. My son Isaac’s black cape was a little easier because, well, it was two pieces of black fabric sewn together. Then there was the box turtle costume George requested. Painful to make, but convincing. Finishing off those three costumes requests took up an entire month, but at least it was the month of October. And my children are kids. This is spring, and Claudia doesn’t have any children.

She was elated. “Oh wonderfully. Could you make for me a costume? For Thursday?” I looked at my watch (my link to the timeframe of the outside world): Tuesday, it said, 3:20pm.

Because Claudia was so desperate for a gingham number to wear in a dance concert Thursday night, and because I am something of a sucker for being desperately needed, I said Yes, I would be happy to measure the slightly too small dress you’ve already got, make up a pattern, buy material, and sew a dress for you in the next 41 hours.

When she came to pick up the finished product, Thursday morning as promised, I confess I was somewhat flush with satisfaction in a task completed, and with a sense of generosity. The problem is, she insisted on paying me for my time. The amount she thrust into my hand added up to about $1.36 per hour, and suddenly, instead of feeling generous, I felt exploited.

And what I want to know is: what happened?

Claudia was still effusively grateful, I had still actually accomplished something that would not be undone within the next 15 minutes, and now I even had enough money for the good part of a shoulder workover at the local massage joint. But the question rubs. Why does service no longer feel so good when it turns from a gift into an off-balance exchange? Am I the only one who feels this way? Has this ever happened to you?

CJane’s excellent essay in the last issue of Segullah, For the Welfare of Your Soul, charting the often choppy waters of service, neighbors, and the nagging feeling of being overly needed, gives me hope that I’m not the only one. And it gives me hope that maybe I can get past the loss of service (in inherently flawed me-give-you-take concept to begin with) and move toward actually loving my neighbor ”“ for $1.36 an hour, or for free.

Category: Liken the Journal

Comments

20 Responses to “Do you make of the costumes?”

s'mee
May 21st, 2007 @ 11:49 am

I have had this experience a number of times, and also in the reverse when someone *over* values what I have done or accomplished…either way I feel uncomfortable and or totally undone. I think it comes from my self percieved view of what I am offering and it’s personal sacrifice or value. The value *I* placed on it and the opposing value from the reciever. Or perhaps it is the differnce of “sure knowledge” and “faith”.

CLaudia had some information and when you confirmed her information she began to have faith. Her belief that you could produce a miracle for her came through, although she still had no *sure knowledge* of how you pulled it off. SHe was grateful, but still doesn’t fully understand how you did it and what the cost was to you. She won’t have that sure knowledge until she tries to sew that same costume herself.

It’s the same with all of us. Until we have the full experience we cannot understand exactly what the sacrifice or little work is needed to fulfill certain needs/requirements/costumes.

This post motivates me to try and understand what it is that others do for me, so that I can more fully appreciate it and thank them appropriately.

Thank you for being so honest and open with your feelings.
Emily M.
May 21st, 2007 @ 3:23 pm

Interesting experience, Ally.

I have not had the experience of being underpaid for my service. But, on a kind-of related note, I have had the experience of feeling that my service was undervalued. I translated for a woman who used to live in our ward; I started translating and then just kind of kept it up, as a favor, not as a calling or anything. And sometimes I was glad to do it. But she started to act entitled to my translating services, in a variety of ways. This attitude made it harder and harder for me to sacrifice my own quiet enjoyment of the meetings so that she could understand what was going on. When my daughter was born, I gratefully and guiltily passed the translating torch to someone else so I could take care of my new baby.

But this is my Great Lesson, and one I am thankful for: we measure our gratitude for something by how willing we are to give it up. If this woman had been truly grateful, she would have not had a cow when I went on vacation because she would be without a translator… She did not see my service as a gift; she saw it as a right. That made it impossible for me to give to her.

It’s been good for me to evaluate my own life and figure out what I’m not grateful for because I think I deserve it.
Kathryn Soper
May 21st, 2007 @ 6:08 pm

BIG gold stars, Ally.

I don’t know what I would have done/said/felt.
Jennifer B.
May 22nd, 2007 @ 11:10 am

Interesting thoughts Allyson. I can relate. I don’t mind giving service, but I DO mind feeling under-valued! I would love to see pictures of those costumes, by the way.
Heather H
May 22nd, 2007 @ 12:39 pm

One of the first blog posts I wrote here at Segullah involved a discussion of service that stemmed from and experience babysitting for a friend that rings of the same sentiments you shared. It started out as a you help me, I help you, glad I can help type thing until I really felt “undervalued”.

I’m still not sure how to give freely, but something I learned from that experience and the following discussion was that part of my resentment in the end stemmed from my own expectations, that maybe I didn’t realize I had.

I like Emily’s thought, evaluate my life and figure out what I’m not grateful for because I think I deserve it, or like s’mee said, understand what others do for me and find a way to really show my appreciation.
Angie
May 22nd, 2007 @ 3:42 pm

I used to be a co-leader in a homeschool group. The other leader always wanted to offer an “honorarium” (about $15) when we had special guests come and present to the kids. I always fought her on it, because the time, expertise, and often materials being shared were worth so much more than $15 that I thought it seemed insulting. We compromised by giving thank-you gifts. They still weren’t expensive, but hopefully they were perceived as tokens of appreciation instead of attempted payment.

I wonder if another piece of this puzzle is that some people have trouble receiving–just being grateful and letting that be. We feel we have to do something to merit what is given, but when we try to translate it to dollars and cents it doesn’t make sense, because these situations are about acts of charity. They often involve sacrifice that we wouldn’t have ever undertaken for money.

The bigger lesson for me here concerns my relationship with God. I also have trouble receiving from Him, accepting the magnitude of His love. It makes me think of Kristen’s excellent post earlier this week.
LAGirrrl
May 22nd, 2007 @ 4:47 pm

My rule of thumb is that is I can’t give of money, time, talents, etc. without a thank you or return of services then I can’t afford to do it in the first place. If I get mid way through the process where I feel resentful, ripped off, or undervalued it is my lesson to learn about boundaries, generosity, being blessed, etc. I continually watch my ability to give grow and have learned a lot from generous individuals in my life who have showed me the way to do this. It looks like your ego was more involved in the costume making than your spirit.
Emily M.
May 22nd, 2007 @ 5:35 pm

LAGirrrl, she didn’t expect to be paid for the costume at all. When she was paid less than her time was worth, that was what made her feel unappreciated. It’s possible that she had ego involved, I guess. I’m not her and I don’t know. It seems to me that it started out as a pretty selfless act, though, putting you life on hold for three days to frantically make a costume for an almost-stranger.

I think there’s a responsibility on the part of the receiver to receive in a way that honors the gift, with gratitude instead of entitlement. That’s the only way both parties can truly be blessed. I am not absolving us of the duty to give freely. But even God gets angry when His gifts are not received appropriately (D&C 59:21: “And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.”

When we don’t confess God’s hand in all things, when we don’t receive His bounty appropriately, it’s offensive to him. As for me, when I give and my gifts are not received, it just plain hurts my feelings. And, like I said before, when someone feels entitled to your gift, it’s impossible to really give it to them.
LAGirrrl
May 22nd, 2007 @ 6:47 pm

Emily, thanks for explaining something I fully understood…Again, if you are giving with an expectation and agenda (hidden or surprised by)the right to be insulted, hurt of upset is totally up to you. You need to know your limitations and take responsibility for them. That has nothing to do with the receiver at all.
Allyson
May 22nd, 2007 @ 7:37 pm

Thanks for all the enlightening comments. This was certainly an odd experience for me, as I am generally pretty good at saying NO when requests won’t work, going in with low-to-no expectations of return, and being happy for any return at all. And yes, LAGirrrl, I obviously overstepped on this one and ego was probably heavily involved (although not in the pride-of-product sense — this certainly wasn’t a getup I was waving to the world as an example of my not-so-impressive sewing), but yes, Emily, I think the ego was more in my pride of being The Server, and missing that this was really a chance to be one side of a two-person exchange in which both of us gave as much as we had. Maybe that’s really what the whole idea should be about in the first place.
Justine
May 23rd, 2007 @ 9:41 am

Well, if we were all perfect, giving selflessly would never ever be a problem! And it certainly is the ideal that we can give with no expectation place on the part of the receiver. But the truth of it is, we’re all learning this principle. Emily, you are so right that we must learn to receive appropriately.

But indeed it is true that we cannot hold expectations upon the receivers in our lives, just as we would not wish that expectation to be forced upon us. I think it really comes down to the idea that we need to honor each other in where we are. We’re just all in such different places, taking different paths to learn universal truths.

Respecting where a person is on that path has to be a priority, or our lives will be filled with a lot of anger, resentment, offense, and hurt. I think that’s why I like the blog so much. I get to be constantly reminded that we’re all just trying to do the best we can with the tools and skills we each have. Allyson, I respect and admire your courage to put it out there to talk about in the first place!
Tami
May 23rd, 2007 @ 10:29 am

I totally think you are valid in your feelings. You mentioned that she had a thick Peruvian accent, and I mention this because maybe in Peru $15 is a LOT of money. Possibly in her my mind she thought she paid you big smackaroos! You could always donate it to some cause and then you are back where you just gave service. Just thinking out loud.
Heather B.
May 23rd, 2007 @ 10:49 am

What happened is that a service is a blessing, a monetary exchange mistakes that for a paid relationship of customer or client. When you are blessing someone else with your gifts, with your time and talents that are too expensive otherwise… and when someone attempts to pay you, then it parcels down “what you’re worth,” which instead monetarily quantitates our existence—Making you seem worth less by the payment. Which, btw you’re not.

I agree with some of the commentary– I always get myself in a big rush of excitement about being needed and giving with joy, mwhich is good, and of feeling priceless and spectacular, which,well, not often. But there is more happening here.

If I had a friend come over to chat and use me as a layperson counselor(as often happens…),and then pay me for listening, then rather than feeling like a friend and confidant, or like a _real_ counselor (at 150$/hour or so) I would feel cheapened, and like our friendship was lessened by the quantification in dollars. Not the same as being paid for… well, prostitution (of our talents,lol), but cheapened nonetheless. The relationship would be falsified into that of worker and client, not friendship. If I was asked to bring dinner to someone and did so, only to have them force me to take a pittance of payment for my gas and meal, it would be _THEIR_ ettiquette faux pas, not my own. Nonetheless, the “fast food” payment for a home-made with love meal offered as a gift to someone in need would make me feel… well, again, the offer cheapened, and myself along with it, as if money could pay for friendship.

Sure, you might have felt a bit proud of your creation, of your talent, the same way others of us feel if asked specifically to bake for an event, or to sing at a funeral on short notice, or whatnot. There is the rush of adrenaline trying to meet the deadline (ah, adrenaline) and the joy of accomplishing the goal. But I don’t think it was in any way arrogance. I mean, after all, your expertise had been wanted, and you had offered the service. nonetheless, it was an ettiquette flaw to attempt to pay for services that had not contractually been offered for payment.

IF she had offered to pay you x in the beginning, and you had contracted for such, it would have been proper. If she had mentioned previously that she would like to give you something for your time, that would have been fine– but the “something” should have been a token “thank you” gift, not cash.

It might be a cultural difference that you’ve come up against, however. In our culture, generally, it is more polite to offer a plant, flowers, a loaf of bread, an offer of a night of babysitting, etc, in lieu of cash for a favor. In other cultures, the necessiy of omney might precede that of a toekn gift, so the clash of values may be the difficulty here, a perceived insult, not a real one.

I think it was less an offense of your pride in your great worth as a seamstress, as a clash of politeness… no matter how effulgent the praise of an item, it becomes quantified by a monetary amount when cash is given. That’s all there really is to it. And it’s culturally ingrained that way (I think rightfully so…because I’m here in the US Southern Culture, lol ).
LAGirrrl
May 23rd, 2007 @ 12:19 pm

Heather B., have you never had very little to give in return for help but felt something was better than nothing? Your words are making me cringe.
Heather H
May 23rd, 2007 @ 9:28 pm

I have been thinking more about this and agree that sometimes I just so want to do something, anything to show my gratitude for service rendered me, and it is most often that what I can offer in return wouldn’t come close to “repaying” the person for their gift. But I would certainly hope that what I did give would only be viewed as a token of appreciation and thanks and not cause the giver to wish I hadn’t tried to say thanks.

Excellent points; I feel I’ve gained some insight into how I want to be aware of what I offer and receive without judgment or expectation either way.
Kathryn Soper
May 24th, 2007 @ 8:32 am

Well said, Heather H. Makes me think of my relationship with God.
Sar
May 24th, 2007 @ 10:37 am

Heather B. – I agree completely with you. Unless in a pre-arranged business agreement, cash is much too vulgar to be used as friendly payment or a thank you.

I’ve been in similar situations as Allyson because I am a musician and play at weddings. Sometimes I will play at a friend or family member’s reception as a part of my gift to the couple. Every once in a while a member of the wedding party will give me money as a thank you, usually one-tenth or even one-twentieth the amount I would have charged. At first I was offended, because I felt like it was a value judgment of my services which I had donated. But now, since I’m not as Christ-like as some of the readers of this blog, I just shrug my shoulders and laugh at my foibles and their ignorance – ignorance of social norms, ignorance of the market value of the service, and ignorance of how misguided and arrogant this gesture was – and then I grow concerned that perhaps the modernists were right, and everything, every exchange, every human relationship has a monetary value because we act like it does.
Heather O.
May 24th, 2007 @ 5:16 pm

I mentioned to my girlfriend once that my son needed a haircut, forgetting completely that she used to cut hair professionally. She offered to cut it, and I took her up on it, then remembered that she had once made a living from cutting hair. When she finished my son’s hair, I pulled out my checkbook and asked her how much she charged, planning to pay her “market value”. I wasn’t trying to insult our friendship–on the contrary, I wanted to show her that I didn’t think I could just take advantage of her professional skills just because we were friends.

She got a little flustered, and said, “Don’t pay me! How ridiculous!”, and she said to my son, “Your mom is taking all the fun out of this!”

I realized I may have offended her, and since we had had many conversations about her struggling financial situation, I thought maybe she thought I was just trying to pay her because I knew she needed money. I said straight out, “I just don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of you because we are friends. You’re a professional, and I want to respect that.”

She smiled then, realizing where I was coming from. She joked and said, “Well then, first hair cuts are free. Second hair cuts cost a dollar, and up a dollar from there.”

I think most people don’t want people to think they are taking advantage of somebody’s professional skills. The woman who asked you to make the dress probably knew that she was inconveniencing you, that it would be a big burden to make a dress in 41 hours, and was trying to show her appreciation, or do something to let you know that your efforts did not go unnoticed.

I think it’s a clash between one person being willing to serve with her skills, and the other person not wanting to look like she’s taking that service for granted.
Allyson
May 24th, 2007 @ 8:40 pm

These comments are all very insightful — I love that we can generate discussions that are not all one big pat on the back. I am impressed with how many of you have handled similar situations much better than I did, and with those comments that were able to express differing views respectfully.
Maralise
May 25th, 2007 @ 8:07 am

Sar–fascinating comment. I wonder too…

Here’s how I handle situations with my photography. I either charge full price or I shoot for free. I don’t discount for friends or anyone else. I make that clear from the beginning so that everyone knows how much they will pay. And I don’t change the quality of pictures (whether I’m getting paid or not).

Sooo, I realize this doesn’t apply to many situations, but for me, it has worked well. That way, I don’t offer discounted services to friends who then tell their friends who then call me and want me to work for a “friend” price. There’s no such thing. I offer free services when I want to. When people ask me as a favor to shoot something for free, I weigh it in my mind to see if I’m willing and then respond accordingly. I’ve never felt comfortable working in the “middle” where the boundaries are not defined. I don’t like to haggle or bargain. So, being that I’m uncomfortable doing that, this system has worked very well for me.