Filled With His Love

Posted by Heather H. | March 12, 2007 | 12 Comments

My husband invited a couple we know and their two kids to come home to Utah with us for Christmas. He didn’t ask me first. As you can imagine, this caused some tension. But that will have to be a story for another day. I have forgiven him and he will never do it again!!!

Let me give you some background. The people he invited are our friends. (More specifically, my friends. He is friendly with them, but is mostly too busy to really be their friends.) I met the wife of this invited couple at the playground last year. We hit it off, enjoyed talking, planned outings for our four kids (two each) that we actually followed through with, did some catering jobs together, swapped babysitting, and became fast friends. She started coming to enrichment activities and playgroup with a bunch of other moms from the ward. We had great discussions about parenting, marriage relationships, and the gospel. She met with the missionaries a couple of times, started praying regularly, said she’d read the Book of Mormon. I had several experiences where I felt the spirit confirm that we had been led into each other’s lives for a great purpose, something beyond a convenient babysitting swap. It was a good thing I’d had these experiences because as we grew closer and shared more of ourselves I came to find that beautiful and awesome as my friend is, she has some issues that are hard for me to deal with. I didn’t shirk from them, but I have called for my Father in Heaven’s help more than once. I’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal; I’m sure my issues are difficult for others to deal with as well. But somewhere along the way it changed from an easy, fun friendship into one that required a lot of work. I was becoming close friends with someone totally different than me, someone with a different world- view, different family background, different set of beliefs, and it was a challenge. There were times that because of the different ways which we operate in a relationship I had to stick up for myself in a way I had never had to before. When other close friends saw how this was happening they asked why I would continue to be friends with her. And I felt calm and peaceful with the answer I gave, “I’m just learning how to have a relationship with someone completely different than me. Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it.”

That calm peacefulness disappeared after I found out what happened at a dinner party I had to miss because it didn’t sound fun to bring my two little kids to a nice restaurant, and I hadn’t been able to find a babysitter. That night they started a new discussion. One I wasn’t part of. It was about Utah, the mountains, skiing, how awesome my family is, how fun it would be if they all came to Utah to spend Christmas with us. “Great idea!” They all thought. As soon as Matt told me, I went into the bathroom and cried. Sure I don’t mind having to work at a friendship and I have faith and hope that it will bring great rewards, but that doesn’t mean I want to work at it during my rare, and to me ”“sacred– family time at Christmas! Aaargh! I didn’t know if I had it in me to disinvite them, but I had an equal amount of fear about asking my mom if it was okay with her.

To her credit, my friend asked me what I thought about Matt’s invitation before they went and bought plane tickets and, I am proud to say, I was relatively honest with her. I didn’t pretend it would be fabulous. I told her that Christmas is a busy time, we have tons of family obligations, they aren’t unwelcome, but they may be on their own quite a bit, unless they want to participate in the family functions. I told her it might be more fun to visit during the summer when we could go camping and I’d have time to just show her around in the nice weather. I told her I needed to check with my mom to see if there’d be a place to stay. She listened, went home and asked her husband, who had enthusiastically accepted Matt’s invitation at face value and was searching the web for cheap flights. I’m going to stop giving you the blow-by-blow now and just tell you that they decided to come and my mom said we could make it work. However, it got to be more and more complex as her husband invited his brother’s family and they decided to find a place to stay with him and then someone offered a free place and they accepted and the dates kept changing and it got to be a royal planning mess with dozens of people bending over backwards during the holidays to make room for these people who are friends of mine. My anxiety grew; my husband and I argued; my mom worried; my friend stressed; my husband strove to make amends; by the time Christmas came we were all s-p-e-n-t!

Even in hindsight it’s hard for me to make sense of what happened next. The free place came with strings, as most free things do, and the girls who had willingly offered their house to begin with were now behaving in a way that made my friends feel quite unwelcome. The problem was, it was too late to make something else happen, and even the things we tried to arrange at the last minute didn’t seem to be good enough for this couple. Suddenly they changed from being easy-going and excited to just come along for the ride to demanding and ungrateful. I was hurt by this, sure, but more than anything I was frustrated! Now, I’m not the kind of girl who just gets mad about stuff. But seeing so many people I love try to help out because they love me and then have them treated badly, it was just too much. So one day during our vacation when she called to complain about her lodging situation, I gave her “what for”. I didn’t try to demean her, but I just told her how her behavior honestly made me feel. Apparently this was too much for her as well. She began to yell at me and I couldn’t take it, so I just hung up knowing that we could work it out later, preferably face to face.

The next morning she called. I was ready to apologize and really figure out what we could do next. I was also ready to accept an apology. But to my utter shock she said, “We bought plane tickets and we’re going back to New York today. Tell your mom I say thanks.” They left five days early.

“Okay,” was all I could muster. My family was relieved. I felt relieved as well, but confused. It seemed so childish to not communicate and figure things out. It made me uncomfortable thinking about what would happen next. Clearly she was mad at me, and though I had shared some feelings about my unhappiness with her behavior I couldn’t think what I had done wrong that would warrant such anger.

I finished out my trip and returned to New York, unsure of how we could patch things up. At first I didn’t know that I wanted to. I felt justified in being hurt and reciprocating anger. After all, she had done plenty wrong. However after being home a few days, this grew tiresome. I began planning how I would approach my friend and thinking what I really needed to say. I prayed that I wouldn’t be defensive, no matter how she behaved. I prayed to be filled with his love. (Moroni 7:48). I received an email from her asking for some things back she had left at my place. She wrote that I shouldn’t call and that she would send her nephew to pick them up. My heart swelled and felt as if it would choke me as I gathered up everything of hers I could find, buckled my baby into the stroller and bundled my three year old. I was not going to let it be like this. I marched right over to her apartment, praying all the way. When I arrived she opened the door, just wide enough to see us and stuck out her hand to take the bag I had brought. Her pinched expression told me she was not over her anger, in the least. I kept the bag and watched my daughter anxiously waiting for the door to open wide enough so she could enter and find her daughter so they could play. When she didn’t budge I asked, “Really? This is how you’re going to be? You’re not going to talk to me or let Margaret in to play? Really?”

“I just figured we’ve fought enough. I’d rather be done with it.”

“No, actually we haven’t. We’ve only fought once, and that was more of a disagreement than a fight. Just let me in so we can talk.”

She shrugged her shoulders and the crack in the door widened. My daughter skipped past, undressing as she called out her friend’s name. I let my baby down from the stroller, took off my coat and planted myself at the kitchen table. What ensued is one of the most simultaneously difficult and beautiful conversations I have had in my life. I don’t remember exactly what was said; I just remember it had to do with expressing sorrow for any pain and misunderstanding, love for all that she is, and hope that she wouldn’t turn away my friendship, for I certainly wanted hers. I knew it was His love I felt washing through me, like a continuous circuit of clean, warm air. The tears flowed freely and I had an assurance that no matter what she decided or how she chose to respond, the Lord had answered my prayer. He had steered me away from the “natural man” within, the part that could justify cutting all ties to someone who would be dismissive of our friendship. Instead He granted me a gift from heaven and filled me with His love. Because of this, because of Him, we were able to end that conversation in a warm embrace. We have forgiven and not forgotten that as we strive to love one another we are not only acting like Him, but becoming like Him.

Read Emily Halverson’s article “Charity Unmustered”. I wrote this post because of the insights I was able to pinpoint due to her beautiful study and exploration of charity.
”¢   What aspect of charity stands out to you in this article?
”¢   How can we become charity, and not just muster it up? What helps you?
”¢   Have you had a time that the Lord literally filled you with His love?

Category: Liken the Journal

Comments

12 Responses to “Filled With His Love”

Jennifer B.
March 12th, 2007 @ 2:26 pm

Great post, Heather! I am left with so much to ponder. I suppose what stands out most to me is that charity is a gift and that we have to ASK for it. I think prayer is key to becoming charity–that, and willingness to follow promptings we receive through prayer. I’m inspired by your experience–maybe I’ll have one to share soon.
Justine
March 12th, 2007 @ 4:20 pm

OK, number one, don’t go on vacations with friends unless you are REALLY up to it. We learned that the hard way too!!!

But you are a stronger person than I! I probably would have left the whole thing alone, never to speak again, always regretting…

I’m so proud of you, and so impressed with your willingness to listen to the spirit, then actually ACT on that prompting. Relationships are so challenging sometimes. It just seems easier to go back to 7th grade where you could just get mad, stomp off, gossip to your other friends, cry to your mom, and make-up (i.e. pretend nothing happened) in the girls bathroom while sharing ultra-blue eyeshadow stolen from your mom’s bathroom.

Oh, wait, was that just my experience?
Maralise
March 12th, 2007 @ 5:22 pm

Heather–I can’t believe you had the guts to go over there. I don’t say that because I think she was right and you were wrong or vice-versa (I can’t possibly know that) but because that means that you really mean it. You mean that you want to have charity. You mean that you want to remain friends despite differences. I think it’s so easy to say something heartfelt and quite different to do something heartfelt. Note taken…
Emily M.
March 12th, 2007 @ 6:06 pm

I am amazed too. My most similar experience with charity came with a challenging mission companion; I prayed and prayed to be able to have charity for her. After it finally came, that clarity of vision, I thought , “wow. This is what charity is. If I can love her, I can love anyone.”

Sadly, that proved to be untrue. I did not automatically have charity from then on. For each new person I struggle to love, I have to muster all my charity again. It’s a spiritual gift that I have to renew; it doesn’t flow yet. But I’m working on it.
Heather H
March 12th, 2007 @ 8:57 pm

Jennifer: I agree, it is a gift. Maybe it I keep remembering how great it feels I won’t be so reticent to ask for it again. Funny how we do that, huh? So often I find that I live below the blessings our Father would willingly give me.

Justine: I was with you right up to the ultra-blue eyeshadow bit. However, when I was about ten I did secretly put on blue eyeliner stolen from my mom’s make-up drawer anytime I got to take a shower in her bathroom. I would do it just to see what it looked like and then wash it off before coming out.

Maralise: Thanks, I think you’re right, it did take guts. My heart was beating so hard. Looking back I think I was scared that she would reject my offer and that would cause me pain that I wouldn’t know how to deal with.

Emily: Come to think of it, I could have written a story about one of my missionary companions too. The acceptance with her didn’t come right away though; it wasn’t until my parents told me about a lengthy thank you letter she’d mailed to them that I realized my attempts at love were even noted.
Melinda
March 13th, 2007 @ 12:42 pm

Wow, Heather, what a great post. I admire your courage. It is so much easier to turn and ruuunnnn away.

You have set my mind to pondering charity. I have learned through family experiences that life comes down to love. Everyone needs to be loved, and the harder it is to love some one, the more they need it.

I have really limited myself to work on having charity with my family and to find excuses when it comes to dealing with others. -I don’t have any close friends that I would even consider spending Christmas with.

I am inspired. Thanks.
Courtney
March 13th, 2007 @ 7:27 pm

CHEERS Heather! I loved reading this and I love you for being brave. Charity is bravery.
Kathryn Soper
March 14th, 2007 @ 10:11 am

What an amazing story.

Heather, what jumped out at me here is a dynamic I’ve experienced many times myself, a dynamic I see primarily in your friend’s response to you: how the spirit of contention builds within us and leads us to do things that feel “good” at the time, but only result in more contention. How many times have I let things escalate, feeling totally self-righteous about my entitlement to anger? And for me the only way out it to take a leap of faith. To say, “man, here I am again. This is not where I want to be.” And pray for a change of heart. AND allow it to come (very important.)On the “other side” of the contention, I look back and think, “why did I ever want to be there, even for a minute? How could I think those dark feelings had anything to do with happiness?” It amazes me how blind I can be, how misguided. Whenever I get that puffed up “I’m so right” feeling, that’s a big red flag that I’m actually wrong.

Anyway. Thanks for sharing this. Fabulous story, and much needed by at least one reader (me).
Matt-the husband
March 16th, 2007 @ 6:42 pm

I just came across this posting, and would like to add my two cents. Simply, it was a hellish experience, and no, we will never invite friends home for Christmas again. That said, the main reason I love my wife, Heather, so much, is because she always considers others before herself. She is able to do this, because she constantly seeks a state of peace and clear mindedness through the Spirit. Her ability to forgive, and restore that friendship was something I, at this point, would never have done. She is better than I, and inspires me, every minute of every day, to be better in turn. If only all of you could experience a little bit of Heather each day like I do. It’s a real gift.
Gayle - Heather's Mom
March 17th, 2007 @ 12:27 pm

Heather, you are amazing the story brought tears to my eyes even though I had heard you tell me this before. It is truly hard to follow the spirit when it is telling you to do something difficult. I may have thought she has done this to herself and doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I guess that is why we are told to forgive seventy times seven. I appreciate the comments about charity and have felt Chris’s love through this experience. We all tried to make things as good as possible but it was a challenging Christmas. But then what is it all about? Trying to be more Christlike even when it isn’t convenient. Our family has almost forgiven Matt who we seemed to hold responsible for starting these challenging events. I think now we should thank him for teaching us a new look at charity. I am glad it won’t happen again soon . I have learned to never say never. Love Mom
Michelle
March 17th, 2007 @ 3:27 pm

This is a powerful story. Thank you for sharing.
Rachel P
April 4th, 2007 @ 1:39 pm

Heather, remembering the anxiety and stress of that experience brought back some not so pleasant memories. And also remembering how I played a part in that experience leaves me feeling somewhat sheepish. However, remembering the spirit that I felt when you told me of how things were patched up, inspires me once again to reevaluate my own life and decide if I’m really being the Christian that I profess to be. I really think that experience was for all of us to remember what the “big idea” is of this existence. Thanks for always being the good example that you are. Love Rachel