Article discussion:Keeping Attendance

Posted by Heather O. | October 20, 2008 | 27 Comments

Yesterday, I left my husband in charge of the kids, and went to church early for choir practice. When choir was over, I sat down in a pew, saving it for my family. At 9:00, when the meeting started, I was still sitting solo in the pew. 9:15 came and went, and I found myself taking the Sacrament alone, and, for the first time in years, able to actually think about the sacrifice of the Savior rather than trying to stop little hands from dumping the whole dang bread tray onto the floor.

At 9:20, my husband walked in, toddler in tow, bow in place, with the 1st grader looking especially handsome. I beamed at them, not only because my husband had managed to make them look presentable, but also because I knew what a job it was to get 2 kids ready for church on your own. When DH served as Young Men’s president, the kids and I always had to make our way to church sans dad, and although we got into a fairly successful routine, it was never easy. It was just sort of nice to see the Sunday shoes on the other foot.

But the beaming didn’t last long, as my kids started to tussle about goldfish (who knew that a toddler and a 1st grader could tussle?) and I spent all of Sunday school in an empty classroom with the baby as she amused herself with a baby stroller I had surreptitiously swiped from the nursery. At one point, the harrassed Primary president saw me and asked if I could watch her daughter for a moment, a girl only days older than mine. I readily agreed, and spent a half an hour or so with two little ones, my only company their babbles and squabbling. And again, I asked myself, as I have on so many Sunday mornings spent in isolation with my babies, “What am I doing here?”

I’m sure y’all can relate.

The universality (wow, is that a word? Well, it is now) of this situation is one reason that this essay resonates deeply with me. Not only does the author, Julie Ransom, use vivid detail to describe the scene, she also perfectly echoes what I know so many mothers experience as we stuff our children into itchy clothes and drag them to a place where they have to sit and behave for far longer than should ever be expected for a child under a certain age. Elder Oak’s recent talk about Sacrament meeting was inspiring, but I couldn’t help but think, “Yeah, it’s been a while since he had little kids to herd.”

Julie Ransom captures perfectly the reasons why we do what we do, why we continue to drag our families into back rows in the gym, or sit on the stained couches in the foyers, why we offer ourselves unto God amidst the chaos. Read it, and then tell me what gets YOU in that pew (or folding chair) every Sunday.

Comments

27 Responses to “Article discussion:Keeping Attendance”

Annette
October 20th, 2008 @ 8:30 am

I loved Julie’s essay. So many of us can relate.

I had the same reaction to Elder Oaks’ talk–on one hand, it was a good reminder, and since hearing it, I’ve made an effort to make sacrament meeting a bit more worshipful. On the other hand, the talk almost made me cry–I’m out of the baby years (barely), but I remember them well. There were times I was lucky to just GET to church and survive through the entire 70 minutes of sacrament meeting without killing someone. Arriving early (and forcing the tiny ones to sit still even longer?!) was out of the question. There were months (years?) on end where I was there just because I was supposed to be, and I went home hoping I got “heaven points” for it because I certainly didn’t get anything spiritual out of it.

I’m glad Julie wrote so clearly about this. It was funny and poignant and painful to read. I love how she said that organized religion is hardly for the weak. It takes strength to keep going back when you’re a young mom.
jendoop
October 20th, 2008 @ 8:41 am

This week I had a temple recommend interview, the stake counselor asked a side question, “Do you find sustaining strength in your temple covenants and meeting attendance?” I admitted to getting great strength from my covenants but meeting attendance is a matter of faith. Sunday meetings are just an extention of my life as a stay at home mom with a husband in leadership. I try to care for 4 children while DH sits on the stand then file off to primary where I take care of more children. I wonder how long I can keep up my faith with this routine.

The essay gave me hope that it is just a season and soon I will receive more blessings from my sacrifices.
FoxyJ
October 20th, 2008 @ 9:52 am

My husband stopped attending church last year, so part of my motivation to attend is to set an example for my children. We generally do get there on time, but yesterday we didn’t make it until after the sacrament. We had family visiting that didn’t leave until early yesterday morning, so I let my daughter sleep in a bit since we’d had a hectic few days (we have church at 9). I felt a little bad because I could have woken her up and been there on time, but it just didn’t feel right to me yesterday. I will also admit to leaving my two-year-old home with dad fairly often, especially for stake conference. He stayed home yesterday due to a green runny nose that shouldn’t be in nursery. Anyways, we struggle with getting there and with behaving in church. But most weeks I generally feel better once I’m in church so I always remember that feeling during our frantic rush to get there in the mornings.

And Jendoop, personally I think it’s lame when they call young mothers to Primary. I know in many wards most of the women are young mothers, but I’ve been in some where the default seems to be young mothers for Primary and older ones for RS callings. I think we should be more aware of families and their needs and not always call young moms to Primary.
Andrea R
October 20th, 2008 @ 9:52 am

This was just what I needed after my Sunday yesterday. Thank you.
wendy
October 20th, 2008 @ 10:38 am

I’m not there yet . . . I mean multiple children and husband on the stand. We take turns with ds, so unless it’s my turn or I’m being too entertained by the cute disruptions (you know, that fun stage just before he gets too tired or antsy), I am still getting something out of my meetings. My day will come and I’m going to have to refer back to this!

I would say, though, that even if it’s a rough day with ds and dh is home sick, the fellowship of my friends is a tremendous strength. I sometimes need that at least as much as I need the spiritual nourishment. Even when I have spent the better part of three hours in the foyer, there are enough other mothers/fathers out there that I feel lifted by our contact.

Ask me again when I have multiple kids and pre-schoolers.
Julie P (rarely home mom)
October 20th, 2008 @ 10:48 am

I read that article about a week and a half ago. When I was fighting the serious “why do I go through all of this getting ready just to not be able to listen to a word in Sacrament meeting” thoughts, remembering that article was the one thing that pushed my butt out the door.
Janet
October 20th, 2008 @ 11:18 am

I loved Julie’s article. As a mother of six, with a husband often in a bishopric, I spent YEARS getting my children to church and sitting with them alone. It was hard. But now that I am a 50-year-old grandma and all my children are adults, I can say that I’ve come through to other side and it IS worth it. I love going to church, I always feel the Spirit and I’m proud and happy I made it to this point! To all you young mothers out there: Don’t give up; it is worth it and one day you will enjoy church again.
courtney
October 20th, 2008 @ 12:01 pm

I have just one six-month old daughter, and after she spit up all over during sacrament meeting yesterday, I thought the same thing. I’ll admit that we sometimes only stay for sacrament meeting because we know staying the rest of the time will make all three of us very cranky. But I’m trying to have a better attitude. I should probably set better habits now while I still have only one!
cheryl
October 20th, 2008 @ 12:02 pm

I agree with Janet. My husband doesn’t “sit on the stand”, but he always has YM’s meetings on Sunday morning. I’m always getting myself and four kids to church and miraculously, we’re always on time! But it doesn’t happen with calmness; there’s always a bit of yelling going on.
But it is worth it. It’s always worth it!

And fwiw, Elder Oaks wasn’t talking about the exception; he was putting forth the rule. He was talking about the ideal of what we should try to live up to. It’s easy to say “Oh, that’s impossible!” but I have a feeling we’d all do well to at least try, you know?
Aubrey
October 20th, 2008 @ 12:49 pm

Since our first daughter was 4 months old, my husband has been gone on Sundays. Fist EQ pres, then exec secretary, and now in the Bishopric. And in that time I (we) have had 3 more children, (and had to bury one of them) and gone to church every single Sunday by myself. Until this last June I haven’t had to sit by myself, but getting kids ready and in the van and then to church and getting them home by myself is a chore. Now I have to sit with them alone as well.
There is rarely a Sunday that goes by that I don’t say to myself “I hate Sundays.” But I go anyway. Cuz it’s the right thing to do. And I trust there will be blessing along the way for it.
Mommom
October 20th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm

There is definitely a blessing for attendance – that is what gets me there every week – now.

There was a time when our family allowed life to beat us down. When I couldn’t imagine attending if I couldn’t even make it through the opening hymn without crying. And those things that we went through then would have still been difficult even with attending as much as we could (one thing going on involved the health of a child).

So when we reached a point that we made the decision that enough was enough and it was time to be in church on Sunday again, wouldn’t you know that’s when my husband was on sea duty again? 3 children, one with special needs (and she doesn’t want to be at church) and we’ve decided now is the time to be back at church?

I am so glad that we did. It didn’t happen completely overnight either. We missed some Sundays. Stake Conference was a Holiday at first (I LOVE the adult session now, it’s one of my favorite sessions). I’m not actually sure why but in the last 3+ years now I’ve missed I think 3 Sundays. (That just means if I get sick it’s during the week! – I’m in Primary – I DO get sick!) There have been other things our family has been through since making the decision to be there each week that I know my attendance at church on Sunday helped me endure and weather better than before.

I think it’s another tool in my arsenal against the world. And yes – there are still Sundays that are just plain work. Some I finish the day and I’m just glad it’s over and just keep praying until next week when I have another opporutunity to go. Because NOT going is even more difficult.
Leslie
October 20th, 2008 @ 6:33 pm

I read keeping attendance the other day and loved it. My husband is on stk assignment and away from our ward 3 sundays out of the month, often 14 hr sundays, while I wrestle a 7, very lively 3, and nursing 10 mo old. I make it through each week by telling myself- God keeps attendance, he also keep track of my 25 min drives each way. I believe there are great blessings in the doing! As I was telling one of my exhausted VTers this week, he does keep track of our efforts and sacrifices, every single one.
Heather H.
October 20th, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

Last Sunday we sand, “Do What is Right” in RS. You know the line, “Angels above us are silent notes taking, of every action, then do what is right.”

For me it was less about being afraid they’re going to see what I’m doing wrong and more about what I’m trying to do right, like Elder Uchtdorf taught us.

Good article.
Heather H.
October 20th, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

sang, not sand
mobile sloth
October 21st, 2008 @ 6:46 am

Husband on the stand? away 3 Sundays of the month on Stake assignments?? Sorry, but from my point of view, LUCKY YOU!!!! Your husbands are active priesthood holders! I joined the church after getting married, so it has always been me and 1, then 2 and now 3 kids to church. I would LOVE to have a priesthood holding husband who even knew what a Stake calling was, let alone hold one! Even being a mamber would do lol. ?Count your blessings (^-^)
mobile sloth
October 21st, 2008 @ 6:47 am

oops, sorry, that should of course be “member”!
jendoop
October 21st, 2008 @ 7:44 am

I also understand the flip side of the coin, my Dad has been inactive for decades. Having seen and lived both sides, they are both difficult. No one has the right to tell another that their trials are more or less trying.
Leslie
October 21st, 2008 @ 8:09 am

mobile sloth- I have such greater appreciation now for my friends whose husbands aren’t members after spending alot of time solo- The thought of doing it alone every week- those moms who do certainly have my respect for their dedication and sheer endurance! extra credit for your efforts!!
eljee
October 21st, 2008 @ 8:44 am

My dh is in the bishopric, and it is very hard. I think most of us bishopric wives are very aware of the women who do this year in and year out due to spouses who are not members are not active. If anything, I think that this makes us more empathetic. One thing I’ve noticed that isn’t fair at all is that I get a lot of help from other members of the congregation, while many other women don’t. It makes me wish that I was in more of a position to go sit with someone who needed help. I hope I can pay that back when my kids are a bit older.

However, not all wards are so helpful, even to bishopric wives. My sister-in-law almost never received help with her four wild kids when her dh was in the bishopric.

The thing with bishoprics, is it is not just church, but all day Sundays, and all the other nights of the week, and all the Saturdays gone with youth activities, and all that kind of stuff that builds up. And yes, I am aware of the single moms who do it alone all the time. I do feel blessed. But it is still hard, and I think it’s OK to need to express that and get support for it.

Now, back to the original topic. A couple of things have helped me. I’ve learned to accept and enjoy my spiritual moments in Sacrament meeting in spurts. It’s rare that I can sit through a whole talk and hear the entire thing. But I’m trying to be able to recognize those small moments, like looking up at the deacons passing the Sacrament and feeling the Spirit whisper to me that they are engaged in a sacred duty.

I’ve also tried to look for the ways in which I contribute to my children’s distraction and irreverence. And I’ve tried to focus on handling my children with more love and patience at church (which is no small task). I fail at this often, but we are slowly getting better, and I think that my own attitude does have an impact on theirs.

A friend of mine with four small children and a dh on the high council said that she finally realized that she needed to adjust her expectations of Sundays. Sundays just were not going to be a day of any personal reflection time for her, and when she stopped counting on it, she was much happier. She made efforts to get personal spiritual uplift at other times of the week, and devoted Sundays to focusing on her children’s experiences.
Lucy
October 21st, 2008 @ 9:01 am

I so agree with mobil sloth. All you guys that complain about husbands being away at meetings, husbands having to sit on the stand in the Bishopric, husbands having to do Stake detail…get a life! This just makes me furious. For want of a less stronger word, be damn glad that you have a husband that does all that. I have had to go to church alone my entire life….and that was also through a very bad marriage and I had to raise kids in the gospel while he was trying to teach them how bad the church is. Now I’m divorced and out of that situation. And I STILL have to go to church alone. My kids are now raised. Now I find that divorce is a terrible stigma in the church even though they try to tell you different. Divorce is a second class citizen. But I still go. Sure Sundays are busy for you. When wasn’t it busy for any woman in the church. Kids have to be raised and have to go to church to learn and that goes by so fast that when they are all raised you will look back and realize that those years were a mere minute. You’re all much to full of yourself. Get over it and concentrate on something worthwhile!
wendy
October 21st, 2008 @ 11:12 am

Eljee, I like what you said very much. I often find myself wondering, in my own stressful times, how single moms (or women with non-supportive spouses) do it; it doesn’t necessarily decrease my own stress level or the need to reach out and ask for help, but it does help me remember to be grateful and not take that step towards self-pity. I like your idea to enjoy spiritual moments, too.

Mobil sloth, thank you for your gentle reminder to be grateful for our active husbands.
maralise
October 21st, 2008 @ 11:52 am

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Anon
October 21st, 2008 @ 11:56 am

Piping in here with the same thought as several others:

I dragged lots of little kids to church alone–while pregnant, having morning sickness, and often with a migraine to boot–while my husband stayed home week after week. It was brutal going alone and doing all the work myself, just getting there and as well as managing the circus. I felt like a single mom.

But I did it because it was the right thing to do. The kids are a bit older now, so it’s somewhat easier–and my husband does attend more often (although still not regularly).

I would give a lot if my husband could even be considered for a job that would put him on the stand. Five years ago? It would have been a dream come true.
mobile sloth
October 21st, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

Sorry, my intenton wasn`t to threadjack – just a bad case of envy at times. And having had very clingy babies who only wanted Mom and wouldn`t go to anyone even when they did offer to help was no fun either. Now they are older and we have new problems – teens/tweens texting through Sacrament or more interested in talking with their friends than listening to talks! However we go for the reason everyone said – its the right thing to do, and (for me anyway) because I feel raising children IN the church offers them a better life than raising them OUT of it – because I want them to see the missionaries and other wonderful young people in our ward, and have them know that there is a different way to the way their friends at school do things – and I feel rewarded when my older daughter tells me her friends at church are much more fun to be with than the kids from school – moments like that make it all worth it (^-^)
Heather O.
October 21st, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

Lucy-

Please don’t swear at us.

Although I and other have discussed going it without husbands because they are fulfilling priesthood callings, the original article is not specifically about being without a husband at church. Rather it focused on the sacrifices that are made by people who are adhering to a religion that requires much of us. Sometimes, even when we do what is asked of us, it feels empty and thankless. That’s how much of life is, and you seem to understand that as well as anybody. And I’m not sure what else would be MORE worthwhile than concentrating on why and how to worship Christ, but hey, I’ll just let that one go.

The point of the article and indeed, this entire discussion, was to highlight the reasons WHY we continue to do what we do, even in the face of difficulties. I would assume that you have much to contribute to this discussion, with a situation as difficult as yours. You obviously feel strongly about this, as well as think we are misguided and whine too much. I’d love to hear how you have found the strength over the years to get up and keep going, as surely the rest of us young mothers could benefit from your experience.

Without the profanity and insults, of course. Thanks.
maralise
October 22nd, 2008 @ 1:08 am

mobile sloth–you’re fine. I think it’s nice/valuable/necessary to hear many sides to this dilemma. Thanks for commenting here.
mobile sloth
October 22nd, 2008 @ 2:47 pm

Maralise, thank you for your kind words – that made my day (^-^)