“If a non-member family moves into your neighborhood, don’t just automatically assume that they are different and that you can’t associate with them. Listen to the spirit and maybe it will tell you to be friendly. You may be able to give them something so precious that will completely change their life.”
Quote from a young woman speaking in sacrament meeting at a ward in a town in Utah last month. (Okay, it’s not an exact quote, but it went something like that.)
I want to talk about this. Not to criticize this girl, who is speaking only theoretically, since she is sixteen and has never had a neighbor or friend who doesn’t belong to the church. I find it so fascinating to think about our roots and how our families are being raised, no matter where we live and who our neighbors are. How do the roots we inherit help us grow, keep us grounded, allow us to reach new heights? Do they sometimes stifle our growth?
I feel such a strong connection to Utah and the roots that I have there. I want my children to know that and have it be a part of who they are. But I also love that we live in New York City, surrounded by different people. For us, something “other” is not theoretical; it’s across the hall of our apartment building. And I have also learned that it’s not simply about what I have to offer, but it’s about real relationships and friendships with others. They have so much to offer me, and have given me precious things that have changed my life. However, the roots that were nurtured by my parents when I was a young girl have given me stability that I cherish. I hope my kids get the best of both worlds.
Read Melonie Cannon’s essay “Out on a Limb” from the current issue of Segullah.
I love the picture she gives us of a strongly rooted girl chopping herself into a stump. More than anything, I love that she persevered in listening to her Father in Heaven’s answer and allowed her roots to sustain new growth.
How are you strengthening roots as a parent? How do you broaden the world view of your children, yet help them stay grounded? What do you love about Melonie’s essay? Answer some or all!
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Not to criticize this girl, who is speaking only theoretically, since she is sixteen and has never had a neighbor or friend who doesn’t belong to the church.
I have to take issue with you on this because it is slightly offensive, and largely laughable. Over 60% of Utah is now NON-Latter-day Saint, (translation: We are no longer the majority) and of the 40% remaining LDS about a third or more are not actively practicing, or are actively practicing but have their own definition of LDS standards! So therefore, it is highly likely that this sweet-16 does in fact have ‘different’ neighbors, and ‘different’ friends, and was not speaking theoretically. I myself live in what would be considered a “highly concentrated” Latter-day saint Utah community, at least historically. However, all 10 homes within our immediate radius are filled with good friends of other faiths, many of whom are are multi-cultural. One home nearby is LDS (non-practicing and non-friendly)
It is a common misconception among latter-day saints who live outside of the “holy-of-holies” (namely, Utah) that fellow members who live within lead some sort of communal non-culturally diverse lifestyle. It just is not so. Yes, we enjoy being associated with a very large number of friends and neighbors around us who share our same belief system. However, in many ways it is just as difficult (or more) for our children to grow strong roots here as anywhere else in the world.
As parents, my husband and I make sure that we hold our weekly FHE and we say family prayer morning and night. We talk about our family histories, and we spend a lot of time with extended family. We invite our children’s friends over often and help them feel loved and welcome(many of whom are not of our faith, and two best friends who are of our faith but come from extremely disfunctional home life). We enjoy going to cultural events together as a faily, and we travel together as often as we can. The very best way, and really the ONLY way I think any of to keep children grounded is by doing what the prophets have told us over and over and over. The “simple” things that are hard to stick to. Weekly church meetings, weekly FHE, daily scriptures, daily prayers. Once your children turn into teenagers, trust me, you just have to hope it all took root. My children are teens now, so we have instituted a Q&A every night at dinner where they can ask open questions about any subject, including gospel doctrines. We keep the lines of communication open and we hope they will stay strong. Perhaps the most important thing is just to love them no matter what. (And pray for them continually) – if you are a mother to young children, please take it from me – Don’t stop doing the daily habits. It’s all worth it. If you want a strong tree, it takes a daily investment over a long period of time.
I appreciate the perspective of MormonSoprano, but I think that the ignorance underlying the girl’s comment belies the fact that she likely does not have much experience with diverse neighbors. The girl is preaching against the idea that she assumes exists in the minds of her listeners to to automatically write off neighbors who are non-members or are inactive. “Listen to the Spirit and maybe it will tell you to be friendly.” Of course the Spirit would give such direction! I have been warned away from individuals only on very rare occasions, and when it did happen I feel it was because of my own weakness.
I loved Melonie’s article, though it scared me just a little. I guess I just have to trust that the roots we are trying to establish with our children really will sustain them, even if they do make a stump of themselves (that phrase still haunts me).
I didn’t mean to offend and I am aware that there are many non-LDS people in Utah. However, from the context of this girl’s remarks, it seemed that she actually does not have any friends outside of the church. And though on the whole Utah is more diverse than it once was, there are areas (the neighborhood I grew up in as an example) that don’t have one single household within the ward boundaries that is from another faith. I love Utah and I’m not saying at all, “Wow, I am so much better off because of what circumstance I am in,” or “You are so much better off because of yours.” I have been back to visit often enough that I know you don’t lead a communal non-culturally diverse lifestyle. I just want to talk about people in different circumstances. When I grew up in Utah, fifteen years ago, it really wasn’t culturally diverse. And I don’t think either one of us have it easy as far as raising children. That’s why I am so excited for people to share their ideas.
I’m pleased for you that you have such a diverse group of people to associate with. And thank you for sharing your ideas. I have felt strongly that the simple things will be the most binding in the end. We’ve got FHE going, and nightly scriptures and prayer. My frequent goal that hasn’t become a habit yet is morning family prayer. I admire families that have it together twice a day.
And I know, though it will be a bit of a sacrifice, that I want my children to be in Utah with their cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends to build those relationships for a nice chunk of time every summer. It will give us a chance.
Family History . . . great way. Do you read stories from journals? Tell stories? Work on family history together? This is an area I’m just starting to work into our lives.
And Melissa, I hear ya. I edited out a line from the post, but now feel like I can share it, “If they can avoid a year climbing trees in Italy, that would be okay too.”
Love ya Melonie!
And the girls comments really struck me most for that reason, “maybe be friendly,” OF COURSE! And when I hadn’t had a lot of interaction with people from different backgrounds I really didn’t understand all that they could offer me. I just hope that my children will be open-minded enough to really value others, no matter if they accept the truths we try to share or not.
That is a great point. It is entirely possible that she was speaking from some experience and trying to help those around her understand without elaborating on the experience.
Another great point you make about strengthening roots. Family Home Evening, Family Prayer, Family Scripture Study and Family Council really are essential. They help provide opportunities for discussions of all types. There are opportunities for just plain fun as well.
Each family is so individual beyond those essentials. There are so many ways you can broaden your children’s cultural horizons, spark discussion, and educate them about the world around them so they aren’t completely broadsided by it when they are out in it. Whether it’s talking with neighbors (which have quite a few cultures here as well), cooking foods from another culture, going to museums, watching the news, reading, etc. Even talking with family members who have been to different countries and experienced. And many other things I know we did or didn’t do as family. All of the above brought about some lengthy talks.
We’ve tried to teach our children what we know to be true. We’ve also given them opportunities to choose. We have times now that we don’t always agree and on some of those things – you know, that’s ok. They also need to know how to think and make decisions as well.
There will still come times when they won’t have us around and we hope they are grounded enough to make wise choices. There are a LOT of times I simply pray for my children and their well being and simply trust the Lord is watching over them because dh and I aren’t there.
Great post!
Thanks, Heather. Love you too! I hope my kids avoid climbing trees in Italy too…well, at least climbing them for the wrong reasons.
This is very timely. This morning, my next-door neighbor came running out of her house yelling, “Melonie! Diversity is coming! Diversity is coming!” (That could be an opening to a great blog entry, by the way). She then proceeded to explain that a couple from California is going to rent the house down the street and they are not Mormons! She was so happy. It is something we complain about since we have both lived out of state for a long time. Mormonsoprano, I do not have ONE house in my neighborhood that does not have a Mormon family in it. That is 90 houses. I know because I’ve delivered the Enrichment flyers. My sister says we have diversity because we wear different shirts.
However, back to the roots. We moved here to give our kids what we saw lacking in other places around the world. Whether that will be a disservice to them, we won’t see until later. I am grateful for the grounding I did receive. It gave me clarity through difficult times and some guilt, which can be a very strong guiding force.
Thank you to all who took the time to read my article. I was VERY hesitant to publish it, but maybe it will serve to remind someone that no matter where she goes that she can come back to God after wandering and He will be there with open arms.
Thanks, Heather.
Great story and such a thought provoking post.
My mom has been on my mind a lot lately. She grounded me, explained to me the value of being descended from the ancestral lines I claim, taught me the value of independent thinking and watched patiently on the sidelines as I exercised my agency. She was an educator, a successful careerwoman and a “missionary mom”. When the missionaries explained to her that most if not all of the new converts baptized in our area had never read the Book of Mormon in its entirety, she organized a study group where investigators and members new and old were welcomed and encouraged to learn more of the teachings contained in our unique volume of scripture. Roots were important to her and she knew that members of our faith, new and old, lacked something vital to their life in the church without nurturing the new growth, having cut off from a part of their old selves.
It should also be noted that my mom was Catholic. She died almost 3 years ago now.
Her parents were pioneers in their own right. My grandfather was Irish, my grandmother English, and they raised their family in Scotland. My great and great-great grandparents from my father’s side emigrated from Sicily at the turn of the 20th century. They did things differently than their parents, striving and reaching for the something “more” we all want knowing that to find the new, they needed to cut off from the old. They each found their happiness, some in measures greater than others. Pulling out those axes were hard.
My mom married an American and moved from her home in Scotland to raise us here. Our life is different because of that decision, better (imho) I would say, though belonging to two worlds conflicted her somewhat.
We have culture aplenty. Fresh English / Irish genetics mingled with Italian, German and the spice added by my grandmother from Kentucky sometimes make for a volatile mix. I look to find ways to teach my children to celebrate their heritage. Not just the ethnicity bits, but the heritage of striving, reaching and finding that something more.
I like to think I’ve found it for myself here in the church. I struggle to nurture some shoots damaged a little in the conversion process from my own neglect and from weathering the storms of change. I’m working on that. What I don’t know is if my ancestors would have found happiness in the church or if the something more I enjoy might have pushed them over the edge. Their changes were maybe big enough already.
I struggle with making friends to “show them the way” or otherwise encourage the comparison of lifestyles, LDS vs. Not. If they like what they see here, fine. If not, I’m more than happy to sit with them and drink a cup of Postum (I so miss my coffee!) while they have a beer and let our kids play together in the yard.
We are not a perfect family and by our being LDS we do not necessarily have a corner on happiness. But we try and we work to implement changes, little and big, which encourage joy. It’s the bold and daring culture of change (call it moving, repentance, education or conversion) that is my real inheritance. That’s what I see looking back on those from before. That’s the parts I would like to claim.
Though a clear complexion and petite frame would have been nice!
Thanks so much for sharing Lindsay! When I do start talking to my grandmother and aunts about family stories I love to hear about the women I can only know through them so I can claim the legacy they’ve left: thrift, hard-work, faith . . .and try to implement them. It’s amazing to look to our roots so we can find the legacy that is ours.
Mommom, you have such a great attitude. Being in a family, having a family can be just plain fun! I agree. There is so much to be experienced together.
MormonSoprano, if you come back, I’m curious which part of Utah you live in. This particular meeting was in a ward in Pleasant Grove. Some parts of the state are definitely more diverse than others.
And Melonie, thanks for sharing a story, that was difficult to share.
I love it, “Diversity is Coming!”
Heather, I live in Tooele. I’d say my neighborhood is about 1/3 active LDS, 1/3 less-active or completely inactive, and 1/3 non-LDS. I was a little surprised to read the beginning of your post too, as it doesn’t describe my neighborhood at all. But I can see that there are probably still places in Utah where most people are active members.
Very interesting topic…
Hey, middle of Provo here. I can count on one hand the non-members in our 4 block radius. And yet, the comment still chafes me, because I view my non-member neighbors as really great neighbors and friends, not just conversion possibilities. I’m not from here, though, and remember far too well what it feels like to be the outsider.
Just to offer a different thought on the girl speaking in the PG ward, it seems that many youth–not only in Utah–lack the ability to talk about the gospel and its relationship with the world in realistic and/or observant ways. They are aware of their world, and often only their world. If her close friends were not members, that her world would automatically exclude other points of view. I think it is an element of youth and inexperience rather than a sign about the Utah she is experiencing. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear such a comment from a certain youth speaker in my ward in GA who regularly brought her non-member friends to young women’s activities.
Maybe that is something that Melonie could have been expressing with the relationship with Paulo. It isn’t until you reflect on yourself and your experiences that you are able to understand the place of the gospel. All of us who have been converted (and not just to the Church) have that ability to reflect about what and where we are on the continuum of salvation. That is why Heather can point to her desire for morning family prayer, and others think of where their children will be when the leave “the nest”.
Just a thought.
I loved Melonie’s essay. I love her honesty and that she learned from her experience. I love the symbolism of the tree (I am terrible at symbolism).
I’d say being married to a non-LDS person pretty much takes care of that for me. On a daily basis my children are aware there is more than one way of being in this world. We live in an enviroment of about 1/3 LDS folks (active or otherwise), so they are exposed, but not too exposed, and I like it that way, and will like it even more as they move into junior high.
But, I do want them grounded in the gospel. So, I do what we’ve been advised to do–all the basic, busy things that keep us connected and grounded (FHE, Faith in God, scripture study, etc.). I find I keep telling my older daughter who is not quite 8 is that we can’t know everything right now, that faith for some of us is a life-time struggle.
As one who grew up as firmly rooted as one can be, meaning my parents did their best to ensure that happened, I still struggled for many years to figure out what I truly believed. I think that as parents we can do a fantastic job, but our children still have to find their own way.
As for the young woman’s statement–we can hope that 30 years from now she’ll write an article for Segullah speaking about how her world view has become more nuanced from when she was a girl.
I was raised in a Mormon-dominant neighborhood in Orem. Now I live in Kansas where we are a minority. On a recent trip to Utah I was taken aback by belittling comments about people of other backgrounds made by people who are Mormon and live in Utah. I wonder if I would have been so shocked if I had lived there in Utah my whole life in that same neighborhood. I understand that I can’t group all Utah Mormons into a group and say that they are close-minded, that wouldn’t be fair. But I do think that these people that made these derogatory comments wouldn’t have said them if they actually had neighbors and friends of these certain different backgrounds. I feel like living outside of Utah has helped me open my eyes to the wonderful richness of Heavenly Father’s children. It has helped me overcome that predominant feeling that any non-member is a conversion opportunity (though I still believe in member missionary work). I hope that we are strengthening that root that says “Love thy neighbor,” by loving our neighbors that are different whether they be a different ethnicity or a different religion, or even a different political group. Garrison Keillor said that God told us “Love thy neighbor.” He didn’t say that we should pick who we love: a great blues singer, or the neighbor that is easy to love. He said we should love everyone. I agree.
I agree with the very first commenter. I live in GA now but spent 10 years in Utah. My last home (there in UT) was in a cul de sac and my family was the only active LDS family. And it seemed more culturally different than the street I live on now where I am again the only active LDS family and 1/2 the families are black.
Folks, Utah IS a mission field!
Good point, Daina. We do need to look at people and neighbors as something other than a potential missionary experience, yet well-intending missionaries and others encourage us through member missionary programs to think of all non-member friends as potential members and ask ourselves what we can do to bring them into the fold.
I also agree that we cannot make blanket statements about any group–Utah Mormon, Mission field, non-member, etc.–that will hold up. Sometimes we are limited in our ability to understand others by experience, sometimes by fear, sometimes by education, sometimes by misunderstanding, sometimes by language. All we can do is learn ourselves, try and teach our children, and love our neighbors to the best of our ability. (But we are all trying to do that already.)