So, last night the mutual kids had a Halloween carnival for the primary kids. I went to pick up my brood at the appointed time and the carnival was still swinging, so I went to find them in the cultural hall. I noticed that some kids were eating chocolate cupcakes. I wanted a chocolate cupcake. In fact, I wanted one so badly that I asked my kids where the cupcakes were. The YM leader in charge of the game that offered cupcakes as prizes overheard me. He held out the tray in my direction. I approached him with my arm outstretched. “I love you,” I murmured as I chose the biggest cupcake on the tray. I wasn’t sure if I was speaking to the YM leader or the cupcake. (I’m still not sure.)

Unwilling to take the time to unwrap the cupcake, I bit the entire top off immediately. It was a mix cake with canned fudge frosting and crunchy technicolored decorative bits. None of this qualifies as real food, but that was hardly the point. As soon as I swallowed the cupcake top I scraped the bottom part of the cupcake out of the wrapper with my teeth. (We were still walking toward the van and I didn’t want to stop for anything logistical.) Then, unwilling to let the remaining chocolaty goodness go to waste, I stuffed the wrapper in my mouth and chewed it all the way home.

By the time we pulled into our garage all edible material was gone, and I spit the papery wad into the trashcan by the back door, feeling immensely satisfied by my thrift, but wishing for another cupcake.

Anything you’d like to confess?

October 14, 2010
October 16, 2010

Kathyrn Lynard

(Founding Editor) is the author of the memoir The Year My Son and I Were Born (Globe Pequot Press, 2009) and the editor of four published anthologies. She contributes to Mormon forums from Meridian Magazine to Sunstone on a variety of topics including gender issues, disability, mental health, sexuality, family life, and spirituality.

45 Comments

  1. Eliana

    October 15, 2010

    Not in public…You are a brave, cupcake paper loving woman. If you lived in my neighborhood I would bake you something.

  2. Chris H.

    October 15, 2010

    “….I stuffed the wrapper in my mouth and chewed it all the way home.”

    I do that, too!

  3. that1girl

    October 15, 2010

    Okay, that was kind of awesome.

  4. FoxyJ

    October 15, 2010

    Ha, ha, ha! I would have done the same thing.

    The other day while my 7-year-old was a school I packed up about half the dresses in her closet to take to DI. She gets a lot of hand-me-downs from cousins and friends, and some things in there are totally not my style but I let her wear them because she likes them. I finally got sick of some of them and so I decided that I was going to get rid of them without her knowing. So far she hasn’t said anything. Yesterday I got another bag of hand-me-downs and I waited to go through them until after she was in bed so she had no say in the matter. I knew if she had seen that leopard-print skirt she would have wanted it badly, but I just can’t live with that…

  5. Charity Jeffs

    October 15, 2010

    Here’s my confession: Yesterday after helping set up at the school for an event, and before the kids started coming home from school, I didn’t clean, work on Halloween costumes, go to work out at the gym or even work on my RS lesson. I took a nap.

  6. Heather O.

    October 15, 2010

    I accidentally paid my overdue Verizon bill to the gas company—they both start with V (Virginia Natural Gas) and I do my bills online. I also must have been REALLY tired, because I also paid my Verizon bill on that same day. I didn’t notice any of this until my gas bill came, with a substantial credit (because, you know, my gas bill was under $20 and my verizon bill, um, wasn’t.) I guess the good news is that I won’t have to pay my gas bill for a long, long time.

    The worst, though, is when I accidentally pay the wrong credit card. That one I notice immediately, and takes a few more phone calls to correct :).

  7. Heather O.

    October 15, 2010

    Charity, I think “taking a nap” falls under “strengthening home and family”.

  8. Andrea R.

    October 15, 2010

    I have been known, in the midst of a sugar craving, to make frosting and eat the whole batch on graham crackers. By myself.

  9. Jen

    October 15, 2010

    I came just to read other confessions, but they have reminded me that I frequently hide sugary treats from my children and eat them when I know they are not looking. Nerds are my favorite, even though they give me a headache.

  10. Mendy

    October 15, 2010

    2 nights ago I made cinnamon rolls and barely managed to snag one for myself. I scarfed it down and then took my son out to the Halloween mega store to look for costumes. While he browsed I fantasized about gooey cinnamon rolls.

    Luckily when we returned home an hour later, the dishes were still not done. I sent my boy upstairs. I was all alone with that corningware dish with no one to reprimand me. There was still creamy icing/cinnamon goodness covering the bottom of the pan. I couldn’t really let it go to waste, could I? So I bent over and licked it until I heard the sound of my husband on the stairs. It was a narrow escape, but so worth the rush. And the calories.

  11. Kathryn Soper

    October 15, 2010

    Heather, if you’re sending out random checks, put me on your mailing list.

    Charity, rock on!

    Foxy J, I’ve done that many times, with toys as well as clothes. And I’ve been caught red-handed more than once.

    Fellow chewers/lickers, I love you.

  12. kristin

    October 15, 2010

    giggle . . . I must confess . . . it’s noon here and I’m still reading this in my PJ’s. How’s that for a confession 🙂

    Kristin

  13. Kerri

    October 15, 2010

    Kristin, I can beat you. It’s 1:19 here and I’m still in MY pjs.

    It IS my birthday, though, and so I think I deserve it. 🙂

    Kathy, I’ve never chewed a cupcake wrapper. Is it worth it? Sometimes it’s probably worth it. I’m afraid I’ll have to try it next time someone offers me a cupcake.

  14. April

    October 15, 2010

    I’ll confess as long as I don’t have to sub 3 primary classes as penance! or for that matter run 6 miles to burn the extra calories!
    I bought 3 Twix bars the other day in the grocery line they were on sale 3 for a $1.00. I thought they would be perfect for after FHE as a little treat. After I lugged in the groceries and put them all away, I ate a package because they looked so good! I had to hide the other two because there wasn’t enough for FHE! Guess who ate the other two packages?

  15. Paula

    October 15, 2010

    I have to confess that I’m eating chocolate that no one else in the house knows I have and I DON’T feel at all guilty about not sharing. Sometimes a woman just has to do that!

  16. Strollerblader

    October 15, 2010

    FoxyJ, I’m right there with you! When the kids are in bed Happy Meal toys (aka school prize box toys), graded school papers, month-old art projects, and outgrown clothes all disappear. Also, sometimes my dh will put an ugly or outgrown or torn shirt in the wash and it will mysteriously disappear!! Maybe with all the missing socks?!?

    A friend of mine hides chocolate chips in the freezer in frozen vegetable bags. :o)

  17. Angela

    October 15, 2010

    Sometimes I stuff candy wrappers between the couch cushions. Then blame my kids. Double whammy!

  18. dalene

    October 15, 2010

    Imported chocolate. With hazelnuts. In my underwear drawer. (It’s the last safe haven in the house.)

  19. Tasha

    October 15, 2010

    Today when I got home from school, I ate tortilla chips with salsa con queso. And chocolate syrup straight from the bottle. And I felt no shame.

  20. mormonhermitmom

    October 15, 2010

    My goodness. It’s mostly choco confessions here.

    My hubby bought me a BIG brownie and said, “You need to nibble at this, it’s a little rich.” Well the first nibble took care of half of it and then 15 minutes later the second nibble downed the rest.

  21. Jen LeBaron

    October 15, 2010

    Confessions. Hmmm….I have cleaned the bathroom with baby wipes. I have washed the same load of laundry without removing it from the washer because I forgot about it…3 times. My child has slept in a sleeping bag for more than one night because I didn’t get the sheets back on the bed. The list of “welcome to real life” confessions could go on and on. It’s just so good to know that there are others out there with their own little secrets.

  22. Kathryn Soper

    October 15, 2010

    April, you were just doing your motherly duty.

    Tasha, they say if you drink straight from the bottle that’s a red flag. Remember, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

    Jen, you’re in good company. The only problem with baby wipes is that they smear the mirror.

    And Kerri, yes. It’s quite enjoyable to chew the wrapper and squish the remaining bits of cake outta there. Just make sure it’s a paper wrapper and not a foil one.

  23. NightingaleTamar

    October 15, 2010

    Segullah and Facebook are my confessions.. ..I’m such a hermit, and I sneak time as I can. Oh, and chocolate. I’m laughing at all the chocolate. If it’s a lindt truffle, and I can buy it at a store and sneak it home in my purse and hide it from my spouse, I will snarf it with no guilt. I don’t think chocolate is supposed to have guilt attached. calories, yes. chocolate itself, no…

  24. elizabeth-w

    October 15, 2010

    Dalene, that was the first place my kids looked. Then, it was the jewelry drawer. But they found that one, too. Newest hiding spot is (drum roll….) in the canning pot–you know, those pots you could bathe a kindergartner in? Yep. Takes a step stool for me, too, which was part of picking that spot. Nobody will ever be home to see me getting up to it, and I have to realllly want it.

  25. Mitch

    October 15, 2010

    After reading all these confessions, I must say that I’m scared as hell that my wife is wolfing down treats all day while I am at work. I need to get off the computer and check between the couch cushions!

  26. Sage

    October 15, 2010

    Ha! This was fun. Today I bought one of those Christmas-gift sized bags of Lindt truffles for myself. Felt no guilt. I only ate one though. And stuck it up in the cupboard with my Trader Joe’s Pound Plus bars (that get a few squares smaller every day when no one is looking)!

    I also love to dip pecans in my cream cheese frosting (can’t do wheat-so no crackers).

    My rest today was talking on the phone to my dh who’s on a business trip while I folded laundry. I think I needed a nap!

    We moms need chocolate!!!

  27. Sean WR

    October 15, 2010

    I soaked the techicolor decorative bits that I put on some chocolate cupcakes in a mild hallucinogen before I took them to church and gave Kathy Soper the munchies!

  28. Catherine A.

    October 15, 2010

    I’ve been known to eat entire boxes of Thin Mints (Girl Scout version) – alone.

    But here’s a confession I heard while driving three five-year-olds to dance class:

    My daughter: “Sometimes I still suck my thumb.”

    Friend 1: “I don’t suck my thumb and I don’t bite my nails anymore either.

    Friend 2: “I don’t suck my thumb or bite my nails. But I still pick my nose.”

    There’s honesty for you!

    You’re awesome Kathy. Thanks for the laugh! And here’s to occasional indulgence!

  29. Blue

    October 16, 2010

    once i baked a pie and we had some for dinner. the next day while everyone was at school, i ate the rest of the pie. feeling ashamed, and unwilling to own it to my family, i baked ANOTHER pie. of course i had to eat half of it so it would be the same size as the one that was in the fridge when they all left that morning.

    and that didn’t stop me from eating my slice of it at dessert that night.

    i did the cupcake wrapper thing all the time when i was a kid. same with lollypop sticks…but i haven’t eaten paper in a couple decades now. i did love it back in the day though! why waste good cupcake just cause it’s stuck on paper?

  30. Beatta

    October 16, 2010

    I eat the frozen cookie dough my husband makes in advance during rough days. (he always notices the fork-tine markings on the edge of the dough weeks later)

    I drink entire bottles of blood orange soda without telling my husband we have it in the fridge.

  31. jenny

    October 16, 2010

    Kathryn: gross! You had me at scarfing down a cupcake, even a sub-par mix one, but lost me at the paper. But you made me laugh! You are one hilarious and brave woman. You go. 🙂

    As I started reading, I was thinking of all the naps I sneak in to my week and I love you HEATHER O.! [naps=”strengthening home and family”]
    Awesome.

    When I get a box of See’s candy (which is rare because I live in the East), I hide it and rarely ever share.

    And it never lasts more than two days.

    eek.

    Why doesn’t a pound in the box = a pound on your body?? Why?!

  32. Stephanie

    October 16, 2010

    I smell books–I love the scent of libraries and print and crunchy pages. And I smell pencils right after I sharpen them.

  33. Grandma Honey

    October 16, 2010

    Here’s my confession.
    My husband and I love to pack an entire meal, stuff it in an extra “purse” and then carry it up to the very back row of the movie theater. Nothing like dinner and a movie!

  34. Strollerblader

    October 16, 2010

    Blue, you win!!! ROTFL!!!!!

  35. Blue

    October 16, 2010

    It’s pretty reprehensible. Not my proudest moment to be sure. (But oh! I do love me some good pie!)

  36. Kathryn Soper

    October 16, 2010

    Sean, that explains a lot.

    Stephanie, I smell my leather couches.

    Blue, there’s only one question to ask at this point: what kind of pie was it?

  37. Michelle Glauser

    October 16, 2010

    Hmm, I can’t think of anything interesting at the moment, but I love how you just chewed the wrapper, too. Too bad they didn’t give you two.

  38. Blue

    October 16, 2010

    French Silk Creme. Why did you have to make me think of that again?! 😉

  39. Amy

    October 17, 2010

    Once bought a giant bag of chocolate chips from Sam’s Club. Only made one batch of chocolate chip cookies, calling for the usual amount of chips. Guess what happened to the other 12.5 lbs. of chips? Yep. You know. But not all at once. Just a few, here and there. . . and there. . .and there. .. .

  40. Liz C

    October 17, 2010

    I have diluted hair conditioner with water, and sprayed it on my little girls’ unwashed hair, then tightly braided it. They smelled clean for church, at least.

    I have also justified feeding my children homemade cream pies for breakfast. It’s almost like cereal and milk, right?

  41. Charise

    October 17, 2010

    I have found that there is no drawer in my room that will go unrifled when a kid is searching for my stash. New spots will last for a while, maybe a month or two, but the inherent bloodhound in my children always wins out. My best spot was a little cupboard on the wall above my toilet. That one lasted several months. How they figured it out I will never know. The worst is when I forget where my stash is , though it is always fun to find it much later. Though the caramel apple stash was kind of ugly when I found it several months later. Oh well.

  42. JennR

    October 18, 2010

    I bought a 2 lb. bag of candy corn on Friday. Yep, it’s gone.

  43. Kathleen Dalton-Woodbury

    October 18, 2010

    What Paula said.

    We used to eat the cupcake paper when we were kids, and recently I had the opportunity to have a cupcake in paper, and I ate it this time, too. Tasted fine, and it provided added fiber to the cupcake.

  44. Melissa M.

    October 18, 2010

    I ate a giant piece of cheesecake today for lunch. That’s all I had. When I told my family about it tonight, my daughter said, “I’m so glad you do things like that, Mom.” I guess I should eat cheesecake for lunch more often. =)

  45. Sundance Kid

    October 22, 2010

    And I thought I was bad… I will buy raspberries/blueberries/blackberries when they’re on a two-fer sale and eat one whole container on the car ride home just ’cause I don’t want to only get a few berries once the kids start inhaling them.

    I used to be what my husband calls a “closet eater”, in that, I would “sneak” bad food while out and destroy all evidence. I told him this one night and he really helped me feel better about it – I was harboring a lot of guilt, not to mention, not losing the weight I wanted to – he encouraged me to just think of it as a quirky part of my personality, not as some “bad” thing I do. It totally helped – I’ve only done it once in the last few months!

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