Change Is Coming

I can feel change coming, taste it like dust and jasmine on my tongue, but I can’t work out the direction, or what it will mean, or how it will cause bits of me to crumble away and reveal the pink and twitchy bits I try to hide. From everyone.

Change is coming, and I’ve been sniffing the air, trying to identify which area it’s going to bite first. There’s a couple of contenders. One scares me more than the others though.

For some time now I’ve been recognising things I like, enjoy or love about being single.

I can have my chair, my lamp, my pillow the exact way I want without having/wanting/needing to be considerate of another person’s preferences.

I take huge amounts of delight in having no idea of which way I’ll be facing when I wake up. Some mornings I’m neatly on one side of the bed, the other half barely interrupted with a bump of linen. Other mornings the bed is a mountain range after avalanche, pillows clinging desperately to the side, sheets pulled free and I’m a monster starfish claiming sovereignty over every thread and surface. The headboard is just a suggestion, a signpost, not a magnet or alignment.

The household budget is mine. I can spend, save, splurge and systematically allocate however I see fit, and not have to juggle anybody else’s spending amid the columns and tallies.

I can pick and watch whichever weird and wonderful movie strikes my fancy, or funny bone, or fickle mood. I can watch the same move over and again, or just bits of it, and watch according to my timetable and wants.

I choose the groceries I buy, and don’t have to buy or cook food I dislike. I can read as late or as early as I want, wear my favourite raggedy shirt, have the entire wardrobe to myself.

I haven’t had a brain cramp working out what to get my monster/mother-in-law for her birthday or Christmas “From us” and all the emotional damages that would be loaded with it. I haven’t had to sit through barbed conversations at “family” dinners, or carefully word sentences dodging offences and verboten subjects.

I have no need to look good for anyone but me. Shaving my legs is a love note to myself, wrapped in smooth skin and moisturiser. Putting on makeup is an in-joke between me and the woman poking out her tongue half a breath away.

I can make decisions and just GO, no discussion necessary or negotiation required. What I say goes with the boyos, with no other power to present their case to. (In this instance God doesn’t count – we have established cases and rules concerning this in our household.)

I don’t have to wait ten minutes to use the already vacant toilet, or fight for the doona, or be irritated by the gnats born of sharing a bed and life and forever with another annoying, bewildering, frustrating individual.

Change is coming. I can feel it like a nosebleed, a muted weather warning, a burnt finger, a muttered curse. I can fight it – whichever form it takes, or whatever chunk of my life ends up in its jaws – I could be fearsome, all spit and vinegar. Or I could dance, hold onto the ebb and shadows and whirl into the new. Change is coming.

Fight or flight. Change.

Do you sometimes know when life is going to change for you? Have you ever had a prompting or premonition that life was about to get very “interesting”? How do you react to change? What is a part of your life that you are appreciating, enjoying, loving right now?

About Kellie

(Blog Team) lives way on the other side of the planet in her native Australia and gives thanks for the internet regularly. She loves books, her boys, panna cotta, collecting words, being a redhead and not putting things in order of importance when listing items. She credits writing at selwynssanity.blogspot.com as a major contributing factor to surviving her life with sanity mostly intact, though her (in)sanity level is subject to change without warning.

16 thoughts on “Change Is Coming

  1. Yes, a few months ago I was going about my daily duties when out of the blue, a picture came into my mind’s eye of myself on a tiny boat in the middle of a huge ocean, with pitch black storm clouds rolling towards me. And the the words came into my mind, “Sometimes He calms the storm, but sometimes He calms His child.” The scene left my mind just as soon as it has entered, but the feeling of it all left me perplexed. I kept thinking, “Was that for real?” About a week later, my husband lost his job. We’re in the middle of that right now. It actually wasn’t the first impression I’d had related to him losing his job, I’d had several small ones over the past six months, the kind of promptings that are so small you just dismiss them as being the figments of your naturally anxious mind. But because of those feelings and others, I’ve been able to be remarkably peaceful about this whole experience, knowing that God KNEW it would happen and is clearly in charge of all this.

    Now change is clearly in the air. It’s almost guaranteed that we will be moving, we just don’t know when or where, and sometimes the not-knowing really makes me insane, yet again knowing that God is aware makes it possible for me to be able to feel that (almost) anywhere God sends us will be good and will be for our growth.

  2. Everything you listed were things I LOVED about being single, and almost every single one of them are things I am struggling with now that I am married again. When I was single, I said more than once that I would love to be married again for the sex, as long as we could live in separate houses and maintain separate finances. That’s not how my marriage is, but there are days where I wish it was.

  3. We moved a couple years ago. I remember telling a friend that we wanted to move because life where we were was easy and that wasn’t going to turn us into good people. I prayed to live in the place that would best make our family end up happy and righteous, together. Even if that meant hard things in between. I wasn’t sure what would be in store in a new place but I felt like there would be a few swords to drop. Sure enough, we moved and things feel like they’ve been exploding ever since. I have come to realize, however, that I love change. I always assumed I didn’t and I often confront it by, well, running away… But almost always come back to embrace it as better. Generally I am a person with muted feelings I think, so even negative change helps me feel more alive than I otherwise am because I have to fight and grow.

  4. Not the same, obv, but…I began to scent change in August, before my adventures began, and let me tell you- once you scent the petrichor of change, there is no running, no flight, of value that can flee you far enough away to escape. Like the ancient Arabians story of fleeing from Death, if you see it in one city and flee to another to escape, it will find you and explain how surprised it was to see you t first, when it knew your appointment was hundreds of miles away.

    And, I so loathe change, which always happens just as I’m nicely settled and feeling comfy….

  5. When I had that feeling, my Alan was born and I stopped sleeping for a year, my brother got married, my parents split and I got called into the Rs presidency.

    Right now with trying to sell the house, I feel like I’m trying to force the wins of change blow. However this force doesn’t seem to be able to be manipulated right now. But I love the place I live and the people I live by and my surrounding family. These are all things I’m trying to keep the same add I try to change up my life. It’s not really working. :)

    I weather change with dignity most of the time, but I’m not sure that I embrace or even like it.

  6. My motto lately has been “A lot will change in the next six months.” My girls start rolling their eyes every time I say it, but it’s true. I have an unplanned for fifth baby due in June, my husband is job hunting, our lease is up this summer, and we’ve had other spiritual whispers that there are other things on the horizon. For someone who doesn’t do well with change, if I start thinking about them too much I start hyperventilating. This pregnancy put the fact that The Lord has a plan for my family into sharp relief, and right now my husband and I are doing our level best to sit back, have faith, and know that things will be ok.

  7. change is scary and exciting…. without change we don’t ‘grow’… and we need to grow to ever be able ‘reach’ our full potential :)

  8. I don’t really ever really get a “sense” that change is coming – possibly because I am not overly sensitive to spiritual promptings and such, but I rarely have a spell where we’re not in the middle of some kind of change. With teens and young adults, it is a constant. The latest is the YSA scene and constantly having extra bodies crashing at our place over night and for meal times. For someone (meaning me) who struggles with entertaining, this has been a steep learning curve but it’s a good one. I’m learning to embrace certain things and discard others. There are always things we have to let go of with change. That’s the hardest thing, in my experience, but it’s always worth it. Good luck with whatever comes your way, my dear ;)

  9. I feel unsettled when life gets too regular. I dislike the sameness of routine. I will cause change if it doesn’t come into my life quickly enough to keep me alert and growing. Three years is about my limit in the same neighborhood, the same job, or the same church calling especially the same house.

  10. Kel, this is SO well written! Your imagery is wonderful. And I love the way you describe change in your final paragraph.

    “I could be fearsome, all spit and vinegar. Or I could dance, hold onto the ebb and shadows and whirl into the new.”

    I tend to resist change, unless I get that muted warning you wrote of. If I can taste it like dust and jasmine (oh the jasmine in NZ! the smell!) then I am less resistant. If I know it is God’s hand at work, I might worry it will be new or painful, or scary, but I tend to trust that augur on the wind.

    So curious as to what might be coming your way. This deserves a follow-up post. xoxo

  11. Eljee – what a wild ride for you already! I hope the upcoming change is as painless as possible for you, and that work is found soon too. I love the reminder of “sometimes He calms His child.”

    LLH – I’m sure married again comes with all sorts of change and adaptation that I haven’t even thought of, and struggle in not being single after all. (And I’m with you re the sex, houses and finances!)

    K34 – I’m trying to “love change” as you do, but it’s a work in progress. It does get the senses singing, making you feel alive though, I agree.

    Heather B – I love that fable, even knowing I am often running fast and far in denial ;)

    Tay – I hadn’t even thought of weathering change with dignity (it’s more a drenched cat look for me, I’m afraid).

    Stacy – All the very best with the baby and all the changes galloping around and towards you!

    Caryl – scary and exciting absolutely.

    Stephanie – “A New England Nun” was captivating, thank you for sharing. One of my favourite parts: “When Joe Dagget was outside he drew in the sweet evening air with a sigh, and felt much as an innocent and perfectly well-intentioned bear might after his exit from a china shop.

    Louisa, on her part, felt much as the kind-hearted, long- suffering owner of the china shop might have done after the exit of the bear.”

    Marnie – YSAs seem to have change around them constantly. Good luck!

    Jennifer Rueben – you’ll cause change? I’m interested to know how and why! (Have you thought of writing a guest post for Segullah?)

    Catherine A. – I shall try, as you wrote, “to trust that augur on the wind”. I’m sure there will be a follow up post, whenever the change hits!

  12. I was truly craving change last year. And the night before we moved I was giddy.

    I’m loving my new life! So sometimes change is great. The best part is that my teenage son is happy now.

  13. Sage – isn’t the giddiness such fun and delight? Congrats on the change, and it working out so well for you.

    Misshoney – Change has certainly started to arrive, and in some ways I never expected or dreamed of – but all fantastic. Next year is looking spectacular already, and I welcome it (and the changes) with arms wide, waiting and full of deliciousness. Change comes in many sizes, outfits and (in some wonderful cases) aftershaves…

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